Stopping Life Support

[suelowe]

Mark, i was worried about how you would react to what i'd said, especially about the promises. it just goes back to my mother who tried to keep them and didn't, so it kinda scarred me emotionally. i hate it in programs when people say 'i promise', then i shout at the TV cos half the time it goes wrong. But having said that, i thank you for taking the time to care and think of me through here, and as i've said, our friendship gives me hope. The fact you and mary send me love and hugs gives me hope too.

Grief can be so damn complicated and painful at times that perhaps a snail would make more sense than me. i'm surprised my closest friends put up with my grief phases. It scares me sometimes, so when i'm scared, i wail like a banshee. well, not quite, but it's enough to make people think i'm singing in opera....god help us all!

mark and mary, i love you both lots, and thank you....could you email me a nice soup recipe??? something nice and easy, something that makes me smile..

luvs and hugs

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, let the neighbors think whatever. You just cry when you need. If they want you to serenade them, maybe they can play a cd of LaBoheme. Rest your heart. You have seen so much, and it's difficult for you. I don't want you to think that of me or my wife. In time you'll get to know us better. I'm just little old me, and what's here is you'll see under the hood (I'm not a used car, but . . . tee hee). But, do get some rest, and please take extra special care of yourself. We do care. Many hugs for (((((Sue))))), with luv, M&Ms

[suelowe]

mark, i think of you and your wife as very caring people. i'm resting more than my heart, i'm also resting my foot (see email!). i had a difficult time a couple of days ago, i was out shopping with denise and her mum, and i found it hard being with her mum. i kept thinking 'i can't deal with this. i want my own mum'. when i feel down about my mum, i stroke her ring. i wear a ring of my mum's so when i'm down, i stroke the ring on my finger. it helps a little bit.

i can serenade the neighbours a lot now, cos i have my own electric guitar! only got it yesterday but it's something i've had my heart set on for the past 2 years.

love u both lots

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, I am soooo happy you have that guitar! Please have a lot of fun with it. This is the whole idea of music. I'm sorry you have to face emotional turmoil when you're with Denise's or anyone's mum. I know you want your own mum back. It hurts, and I am truly sorry. To have something of hers, a sweet, gentle reminder of her love, is good. This is good. I truly do hope you are resting your achy foot. You can keep your foot up, rest your new guitar on your leg, and play all night and day, driving everyone nuts! Well, keep it down while they're all asleep, please. I don't want you getting evicted (I mean, you're always welcome here, but you don't want to leave an flat on bad terms). At night, play without plugging in. Now, if we can figure out this foto issue, I'd love to see you with your new guitar! we love you, dear Sue, lotsa hugs, Mark n Mary

[suelowe]

mark, i'll have tons of fun with my guitar, don't you worry! it's an amazing instrument! this is a short message cos i gotta rest my foot (d'you know, i think i'll chop the damn thing off, save me hassle...mind you, i'd have a lot of hassle without it!)

Yes, i do want my own mum back. i don't want anyone else's. Wherever i am, my ring gives me comfort, as do the memories, all the time. it's just the feelings of utter emptiness that get me during those times.

right, this foot is going up (huuup!) and it's staying there till it gets better. well, ish. and yes i'll have my guitar right beside me, and thank you for the advice for volume settings at night. the neighbours will be fine! i think they're used to me during the day fingers crossed for the photo saga!

lotsa love

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, please don't chop the leg off. Oh, what am I going to do with you? ((((hug)))) And I can't wait for a photo, girl (I really would like to see this rather beautiful young womnan I've been talking with for a couple of months. Yes, the neghbours will survive your excellent guitar playing. Oh, just serenade away. Please take very good care of yourself. I do care about you so very much, so please take extra care of yourself. My prayers are with you, and always for what you need one of these days. My prayers are that you get the things you need. Til tomorrow, I love you. Alwyas. Mark

[suelowe]

mark, my foot is feeling a bit better, i still have the tubigrip on it, but the swelling hasn't gone down which worries me a bit. anywayeee, i'll email you tomorrow, i'm passing through the library again this morning, cos i'm out for most of today. i'm taking extra care of myself, i'm sleeping more than usual,i find it a comfort to sleep, so don't worry. thank you for your concern!

i'm still half asleep cos its still morning (yaaawwwnnnn!),you'll get my photo soon, i may try sending it again with my next email.

take care, luvs an hugs, and thank you for your prayers, i actually do need them to help me deal with the rubbish i've been through for the past 48 hours. ahem.

sue xx

[suelowe]

mark, i've left you a message in Prayers and Blessings, i hope this helps you and your family at this difficult time.

Love u both

sue x

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Well, I found you stil here, though. It's a nice, comfortable place, kinda like your flat. Oh, maybe the walls could use some yeast to make them rise (or thicken), but that's ok. Thank you so dearly for sharing your photo. You have my prayers, completely devoted to your needs. I understand, Sue. Friends do. love you, Me

[suelowe]

mark, i feel i'm being a bit of a nark at the moment. it's not at you, so don't worry. as i said in my last email, a close member of family told me things that i found hard to, like, accept. i'm going to discuss these issues with my doctor early next week, to find out the ins and outs.

i still have my hugs in my cushion to use, so i'll be squeezing that lots over the coming days. i know i'm being cagey about this at the moment (private) but it's something that i have to get my head around. it's sinking in slowly, but i'm dealing with it by being quiet and just thinking.

love you and mary x thank you for your thoughts and prayers, i send mine to you.

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, be patient with yourself. Sue is a very unique, caring, dear person. I'm honored to be your friend. Spend time meditating, and you'll receive your answer. I'll keep a happy thought and a prayer for you. lotsa hugs 4 u, with luv, Mark

[suelowe]

mark, it's difficult being patient with me. honestly. i know i have to though...i'll receive my answer through medidating??? um, i'm not actually that big on medidating, but i'll give it a go. you know what i want to do? i want to tell you about THAT fateful day my mum went to heaven. if i annoy you in anyway, please tell me, but i wanna go blah blah for a bit..may i?

luvs and hugs

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, my dear friend, please tell me. It's not blah blah blah, but what is so very important to you. And please know that I do want to read this one, and it's not just that I'm saying it to make ya happy. I do want to hear from you about this. You may write as much as you like. If it's long, use a word processor and paste it here, or email it. I know what ya mean about meditation. Someone told me once, meditation isn't sitting naked on a mountain staring at your naval. It's more like sitting quietly, observing such beautiful small things as your heartbeat and breath. It's listening to your own soul. Hope this description is better than what I gave you before.

luv ya, with lots of hugs, Mark

[suelowe]

Hi mark, iv decided to write about my mum here, cos it’s long. Anyway, I went through 2 weeks of utter crap and uncertainty when my mum was ill. She had a massive stroke, multi infarct dementia, pneumonia and MRSA. It was a Friday afternoon when I was told my mum had minimal chances of surviving. She could live longer on a ventilator, but the doctors felt that she had been through enough. I had a nurse from my mum’s home to support me during this time, but the blood just drained from me. I remember wandering round the shops afterwards to get something to eat, but I couldn’t see straight. I chomped on grapes for my snack and that was it. Saturday and Sunday I think I rested a lot and cried my eyes out.

On the Monday, I went to the dentist for a filling, but we delayed it till the following week cos I wasn’t up to it. When I came out of the surgery, I somehow knew deep down that my mum wouldn’t last that week. That evening I went to college for an English lesson, but mind wouldn’t register anything, I couldn’t read anything so I went home and had porridge for my tea. Tuesday morning, my mum got moved from intensive care to a normal ward, which I thought was palliative care. My mum’s friend Norma said she’d join me to visit my mum at 3pm that afternoon. I got to the hospital at 3pm, rang norma’s mobile (cell phone) to see where she was. It was off, which meant she was already in there. It was such a relief to find norma there cos she could help keep me sane. We had to wear white aprons and gloves to minimise infection. I still don’t know to this day if my mum could hear me and norma, but physically she knew what she wanted. She struggled to breathe, so she opened her mouth wider to get more air in. The only machines left was the oxygen mask and feeding tube. We left about 3.40pm cos I couldn’t take it anymore. That was the last time I saw her alive. Once out of the room, I looked through the little window and she looked as though she’d run a marathon.

Wednesday morning (Tuesday evening is a blank for some reason), I dressed in black cos I felt rough. I wore black trousers, a pink blouse, black cardigan and my long black winter coat, with matching shoes. It was cold anyway. I kept my mobile phone off cos I couldn’t be bothered with it. I got to my local resource centre, signed in at 10.25am and noticed a jobsfare going on, so I had a look around. About 15 minutes later, I went to the canteen to turn my phone on (I’m getting stomach pains here!), and the minute it did, it rang. I thought ‘blimey, that’s quick’, followed by ‘oh god, no’. The nurse asked where I was, and could I get to the hospital quickly. I said I was out and asked if everything was ok. Then she said ‘she’s passed away’. I can only remember the room spinning, feeling sick and panicky, voices getting louder, my legs feeling like jelly and mumbo jumbo coming out of my mouth. I phoned my friend, denise, I couldn’t get my words out and she was sorry but she couldn’t get out of her computer lesson. So I rang my step mum who said ‘get a taxi home’ so I did. And I sobbed my heart out all the way home.

My uncle and step mum came with me to hospital, but my uncle had to rush to work, so it was just me and her. Because she’s in a wheelchair, I had to push her to the ward, while willing my legs to work and at the same time wanting to collapse with tears and exhaustion. Once there, I noticed a notice on the door to my mum’s room saying ‘please speak to a member of staff before entering this room. Thanks!’ A nurse opened the door to the room, I turned my head to the right……and there was my mum, all neat and tidy but lying so very, very, still. I went in there by myself. The windows and blinds were shut but there was a gentle light on. My mum was lying down, one pillow underneath her head her hair pushed back and she wore a hospital gown. She had a plain white cotton sheet covering her, folded neatly just below her shoulders. There was a small, delicate flower resting on her chest. I took my opportunity to say sorry for making her life hell at times and to tell her I loved her. She had an air of authority about her as I spoke to her. I kissed both her cheeks, walking round the bed to kiss each one cos I was terrified of moving her in case she woke up. I spoke about other things too, and then I sat down in a nice comfy chair and I felt very heavy. I got back up and gave her a gentle hug and I felt her arm around me, but then I jumped back slightly cos I realised then that she was gone.

I think after describing this mark, it’s brought everything back for me. I’m not crying or anything, but I’m feeling very quiet. I think I’ll leave it there. I just felt like i had to say what happened.

What do you think mark??

Luv u

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, rest. Tonight, the tears between us are mine. You are a wonderful daughter to your precious mum. She knows your heart, maybe even better than you yourself. She loves you. I'll send you more hugs, and love. (((Sue))), just rest yourself for awhile, and let your heart heal. luv ya, Mark

[suelowe]

mark, after i wrote about my mum, i felt very numb. i had to go home, lock my door, turn my mobile phone off, get my orange juice drink and i just lay there on my bed in complete silence for an hour solid. i just couldn't move or say anything. i know i said i wanted to tell you what happened, and i'm glad i did, but at the same time i felt really tired after explaining it. That's weird isn't it?? i didn't cry any tears whatsoever. i just felt numb.

thanks for your hugs and love, i'm sending mine to you

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, to feel numb is natural, a part of our emotional state through grieving. It's where our minds go when we've had an overload, a time of more than our emotions can handle. This is your spiritual side protecting you from the pain. For you, more hugs. Rest, and let your feelings catch up with Sue. Til tomorrow, luv ya, Me

[suelowe]

mark, maybe i'm being a little impatient here but i'm hoping you're ok. im dealing with an inner ear infection so i'm slighly distorted. feeling yuck because of it!

just wanna say i luv you too...

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Oh, am I ever out of it, eh, Sue? It's been far too long to write. Sorry. Yes, I'm alright, but tending to my other half being very weak and sick. Just the way the dystrophy is. Take care of your ear infection. You don't want me to get all worried, do you? (smiles). Feeling yuck isn't good, though. Maybe a big hug will help. (((((hugs))))). luv ya, Me

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, it's a weekend! Yippee! I'm getting everything planned out and ready, packed up to go. Next Monday is Jenni's birthday, then Tuesday I'm leaving to visit the kids. I'll stay in close touch, but may not be able to write on Saturday and Sunday next. I'll write most other days though. My wife has been having a few bad days, mostly related to her heart. I hope the aides can keep everything under control whilst I'm away. If I need to return home early, I shall, but I'd rather spend the entire holiday with the kids. Can't wait to be there. I need the break from this stress. Even though I love her, it's stressful going through all this every day. I won't deny this. But, still, I can't wait to be home again, so I can be here, with her, and be able to take care of her again. I worry about her. I'll talk with you tomorrow. Have a good night. love ya, with big hugs, Mark

[suelowe]

Mark, my heart goes out to you at this time, and i understand you're having a tough time at the moment. I want you to know that i'm thinking of you and your wife. i know its very difficult for you but go and enjoy that holiday. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel and think what you were thinking and feeling (god, that was backwards wasn't it? hehehe) you know what i mean though?

i'm sending you love, hugs and i'll keep a prayer for you, and members of your family. Take good care of yourself, love you lots.

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

No Sue, not backwards, kiddo. You are amazing! It's so good to be home, so I can get back to work in my studio, but I love being with my grandson. He is so absolutely beautiful! I met my daughter in September, 2004. This is the first time I have seen my grandson. WOW! I'll write soon. luv ya, girl. big (((((hugs))))), Mark

[suelowe]

Mark, i'm glad you're well, and that you got to see your beautiful grandson! i'm amazing?? why, thank you! so are you, my friend ((((((((mark))))))))), have a nice bunch of hugs as a welcome home present....

take good care of yourself, my luv to you and mary xx

talk soon

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Sue, haven't seen you here in . . . what?. . . almost a week? Just being silly old me, ya know. I am curious about the shopping trip though. Last time you said you were going shopping, someone bought a new car, if I remember correctly. You didn't buy that Jaguar, did you? hehehe. See ya soon. hugs, luvs, me.

[suelowe]

hi mark, hey i been a busy little bee u'know! busy being ill, shopping and the like....the shopping trip for the cars, i actually went along to dog-sit while my 2 friends went looking for a car at an auction, but the dog ended up tagging along with us. So it wasn't me buying the car, i just nosed around, plus i cant drive...yet!

the second shopping trip last night was a bit....boring, cos i had a bit of spending money, but i did get a top for £2 which was nice. More in your email!

luvs, hugs....hugs, luvs (hehe)

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Sue, I like the way you say that, "yet". I'd be willing to teach you, but you'd most likely end up in a heap of a wreck driving on the wrong side of the road (we all drive on the right, for some silly reason). I know your fashion sense, so I can only imagine just how cute the top is. Good price. You need to teach me shopping tips (my 75 dollar shirt is nice, but not thaaaaat nice - hehehe). I'll write to ya on the other side. luv ya, hugs for our (((((Sue))))), Mark

[suelowe]

hey marky, did you know i can drive a little, teeny weeny bit? i can! i've had one lesson..thats it. yep, you drive on the right, we drive on the left. I hope you're ok with my answer to your question, which you asked in the email i sent you? i really like writing to you!

any suggestions on how i can survive year number 3 (did i say 2 before??)of grief? i'm awaiting my bucket of never ending tears for my mother.

luvs

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Sue, yes, you have the business venture correct. It's exactly what I've begun to do. Year three? You are in a place I haven't been yet. Be patient with yourself always. Treat yourself with love and kindness. Always grieve in Sue's way, nobody elses. This is YOUR time. And of course, always remember that I'm here for you. I do appreciate sharing the friendship we share. To be friends is a great thing indeed. I'll write the rest in email in the morning. I'm very very tired, and need some rest. I've had a few long nights of caring for my sweetie, which has been exhausting. Sleep well, (((((Sue))))). Many hugs from us both for a friend we cherish. we both luv ya. Mark and mine

[suelowe]

hi mark, i'm sorry to hear of your exhausting nights, i hope you get the rest you need. actually, i'm in the 2nd year of my grief, i got the years mixed up (how the heck can i do that???), i think i'm jumping a year or two to avoid the pain. Well, anyway it's 2 years. Every couple of days i've had a little cry for an hour each time. i've either cried for my mum, or for things getting me down. Which results in me wanting to try meditation (with me it's having the motivation to meditate)....mind you sometimes i just sit there and stare into space and fiddle about with a pen or something. that can be relaxing at times.

you sleep well too mark and take care

luvs and hugs

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

My dear Sue, oh, don't let the 2 or 3 get to you. One night last year, I became very upset with myself over telling someone the wrong day for Jenni's birthday. I felt so badly for the mistake, yet it made me feel like I had offended her. We go through the greatest depths of emotions while we grieve, so it's best for us to go lightly on our own emotions. The brief cry each day is healthy for you. This is a good release for our feelings. Meditation doesn't need to be organized, but can be very beneficial in the early stages even if we fuss and fidget. Remember, this time called grieving is all about YOU, Sue. Whatever is helpful to you, this is right and good. Here's your (((((hugs))))). Now, snuggle up with your blanket and cushion. we luv ya, Mark and my sweetie

[suelowe]

You know what? i don't know if it's my unconscious telling me mixed messages about my mum, but sometimes when i dream of her, she's usually in bed sick, or in bed and looking at me like she's angry at me. i don't understand it! i want her to be nice to me! maybe she's trying to tell me something?? she did have a rough time in hospital, losing various bodily functions because of the stroke.....i think she's trying to tell me something, like i didn't help her enough, or i didnt listen to the doctors or i was rather dim or thick when she really wanted to be out of the hospital?

these type of dreams drain me when i wake in the morning. i tell her off for not being nice to me in the dream! what's going on????????

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, is she upset at you, with you, at her situation, or at your sibbies? It seems you were the one I hear about being by her bedside. When a person goes through this part of life, it's so difficult, and maybe painful too. This is a time for support and understanding, which is what you gave to your dear mum throughout. You are such a precious, caring child, I can't think of you in any way other than caring and loving as you naturally are. Can you think of the dreams like this? What happens when you do? I hope this helps. If not, I'll keep thinking for more ideas. luv ya, Mark

[suelowe]

Mark, when my mum was ill, i was the one mostly at her bedside, a couple of staff members from the nursing home went to visit her too, plus a close friend but for family, i was the only one. i'm just wondering if she's upset with me because maybe i was dozy and i couldn't do much to help her, or i wanted to ignore the fact she was ill cos i was frightened with seeing her so sickly. It did frighten me seeing her hooked up to those tubes though.

i'm wondering though if she did miss my 2 brothers, cos although i dont want to go into it for various reasons, the relationship between my mum and my brothers was indifferent but with me and mum it was very close. God, talk about arkward!

um what do you think?

luvs

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, what I really think? I think your precious mum smiles when she peers down from Heaven upon you. I think her heart dances and flips for love, just for you. You are the sweet child who took out of your own time to spend it with your mum. You are the little girl who, although your health may have prohibited you from directly caring for her in many ways, still let you sit with her, maybe read to her, watch a little television with her. She's happy for you and what you did. She did miss your brothers, and she now knows right where they were and what they were doing (you don't, but mother does). So, please rest your dear and precious heart knowing that you made your mum proud and happy. She is so pleased by what you did for her during those days. This is from my heart, Sue. love you, with many hugs, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

may the venerable day of saint turkey of rotisserie be filled with with juicy blessings for all. luv yas, Mark

[suelowe]

Mark, thanks for the juicy blessings for thanksgiving! from what you wrote on the other side, it sounds like you had a real nice time. luv ya 2! With my mum, i think it'll take me a while before i believe she's in utter heaven with beauty surrounding her. For now, i just believe she's smiling down at me when good things happen, and then she'll have a nark on with me if i'm being a pain. i'm tiring myself out trying to believe that's she's really ok in heaven. i don't think i'll believe that she can forgive me for giving her really hard times, till she tells me herself. woah! can you believe this? i suddenly feel angry! i don't feel i can believe anything at the moment, cos she's not here to tell me herself. what a whirlwind of emotions, la la la la laaahhhhhh......i have to say though i'm proud of the fact she gently touched my face for the last time....

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, well, mother is always mother, right? If she must, she'll put on her serious face. Forgiveness is a character quality. Where she is, I believe she sees you in such a way that not one thing you've ever done makes a difference. Remember when I was in the coma? When I returned to consciousness, not one things my children did mattered. Some things that people think are important, were once important, have no relevance. If your precious mum is like this, I believe she'll see you in a whole new way, and the slate is wiped clean daily. I hope you get to have a perfect week. My prayers are with you. luv ya, many hugs, Mark

[suelowe]

Mark, yep, mother is always mother. I suppose forgiveness can take a long time can't it? I think she can forgive me, but it's just the feelings i get, i realise it's a part of grief. With wiping the slate clean daily, i've got a feeling there's many slates to wipe daily cos i did upset her many a time, and i think it'll take me a while before i can really say 'ok, i did annoying things to upset her, and they'll stay with me before i can simply accept that i just annoyed her'. Especially around christmas, and of course the time she was ill in hospital, she was mega upset over things, so i do get a bit sad at that time of year. it's too painful to say what she went through, but i'm hoping i can make it up to her over the next few years.

thanks for your prayers, mine are with you too.

luvs,

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, I don't think you have a thing to make up. But, take your time and sort this issue at your own pace. This is one of those things we have to address during our grieving process. Somehow, as I relate this to my own wife, I think perhaps your mum may have become upset near the holidays because of the amount of work she put into making them so special for her family. Her love and devotion to her family meant a lot to her, so when she was unable to give as much to you and your siblings, this may be what caused this painful feeling for her. This is only my speculation, so I leave it with you to investigate. Rest. You are a good soul. For you, (((((Hugs))))). luv ya, Me

[suelowe]

Mark, this is quite difficult for me to say this, but i disagree with what you say. The reason is because....ok, my mum wasn't well enough to look after me, and the relationship she had with her family was quite indifferent, due to the way she treated them. She said she felt guilty for the way she treated me too. I'm finding it very difficult to say this, because although i've been told by a number of people that she loved me (and apparently still does), she was too wrapped up in her problems (ones i'd rather not mention) to care for me the way a 'mother' should.

i think as i write more about this, i've decided to write it down on paper, to make it clearer for myself. It's hard for me to get my head around, and i'm feeling angry trying to work out cos people think she was salt of the earth, and she wasn't. She couldn't be cos she wasn't able to be. No, i'll face it another time.

thank you anyway for trying to help, i'll write soon on 'the other side'.

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, I do apologize, and agree as I see the diamond from the facets as you keep turning the gem. As the body declines by the effects of illness, often so does the mind. Writing is a good way to sort through these weighty issues. Take your time with it. Philosophically, it is possible for the critically ill to offer the emotions of love and compassion. But, in the real world, cares and worries can overwhelm, which easily pale love. My words were more of encouragement than of past reflection. I hold a concept that our loved ones can still love us after they are gone from this world. This is what I had in mind. As I look at my beautiful wife, I have to agree with you completely in what you say. Illness can be so cruel. I always keep you in my prayer, Sue. I hope you are able to rest, enjoy time with your friends, and find the answer to this issue. til then, Moi

[suelowe]

Mark, I think i can see that you're trying to help me, and i appreciate this. It's just when the circumstances are not really known or clear (ie, most of the details of illness, causes of death, what loved ones are going through, and for me it's difficult to say what happened entirely cos it was once of the most stressful times in my life) and perhaps things can be misunderstood. People thought my mum was salt of the earth, others thought she was a very selfish woman. She was selfish in the beginning, and unfortunately i was in the midst of it most of the time, hence the saying 'piggy in the middle'. I think i'd prefer not think of her as the selfish mother, cos she wouldn't want that. During her time at the nursing home, i was told she had another chance to build a relationship with me, as mother and daughter. To this day, i cherish both the great and boring bits, all of them, especially the massive hugs she gave me.

I suppose it's going to take me a while to work things out in my head, and maybe i'll seek counselling for my grief (i did so at the beginning when things were messed up in my head). I didn't realise that the aftermath of her death would bring up all sorts of questions, why is she doing this, or doing that, or why isn't she doing such and such even though she's gone? You know, it's a great big minefield of unanswered questions, but maybe questions that can be answered gradually, as time goes on.

Illness took the personality of my mother away, and it was very painful to see this. I just hope i can get through to her some way soon.

sorry for blabbing, and thanks for 'listening',

luv and hugs for you and mary

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, by all means, my friend, you are not blabbering, for you make such perfect sense, you are like a refreshing breath of cool, fresh air on a muggy summer day. I do appreciate you in this way so very much.

It is bitterly painful to feel somewhat helpless in the face of loss and grief. I think you are being wise to think of your precious mum in the best light possible. Your heart should be comforted by the way you see her. Take your own dear time in sorting out all the issues. There are many. I'll always be here to "listen" (read) and offer any comfort I can.

My prayers are always with you, and my hugs too, (((((((Sue))))))). My sweet wife and I hold you before God's Throne in our prayers, for your peace and comfort. Give yourself a little treat, something you enjoy, so you may smile and find your own sense of joy for just a moment.

As Christmas approaches, take time to rest away from the hustle bustle. You need a litle peace and quiet so you can restore your emotional energy and balance. May God give you peace and strength and hope.

My wife and send you hugs and luv, from us

Mark, Jenni's dad

[suelowe]

Mark, thank you for your kind words, it's nice the way you say i'm like a breath of fresh air on a muggy summer day. Thank you. Speaking of air, it's rather cold outside, there's hazy sunshine and it's a misty and cold day too. it's wintry but nice at the same time.

Although i'm not a Christian or Catholic (my 'religion' or 'state' is that i'm Church of England), i have a small crucifix above the pictures of my parents, and this is nice to look at and have faith in God, in my small way. It's comforting to know you and your wife have prayers for me too. Yes, i'm starting to wind down a bit, i've done the usual argy bargy christmas shopping early, which gives me time to relax and reflect. I think to empty my mind a bit, i'll deal with the issues of my mother early next year, because being honest it's quite draining, while also dealing with grief, which as you know it takes it out of you. My back's feeling better too, thankfully.

Talk soon, and thank you for your kindness.

warmest wishes

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

My dear friend Sue, oh, I would hope you not think I am pushy of my Christian faith. I would much rather dive headlong off the Sears Tower than insist upon anyone believing one word of my faith. Faith is deeply personal, intertwined with the person of God. It isn't up to me, but up to you, and only in your own good time. I'd never wish to force this upon you.

About Christmas, I have no personal adherence to such a thing as a "Christmas tree". Thanks to my cat, our alleged tree has been replaced with a bowl of fruit! My ancient faith disallows such a thing as a "Christmas tree". But, for my children and grandchildren (number two is soon to be here), I reluctantly allow it. I'm certain you now think I'm as bizarre as a 17 quid note?

Now for who I am in my heart. I love Christmas! I love giving gifts to my children and grandchildren, but mostly to my beloved wife. Have I ever told you I cherish my wife? I love to make cookies for the holidays, then sharing them with as many people as we can find. This is why we jokingly asked about sending you some cookies.

For this moment, my prayers are with you, for peace and hope. My dear wife and I are sending you many hugs and cuddles for your cushions. We hope you are able to get some sleep, and when you must, just rest your pretty eyes (you have very pretty eyes).

luv ya ((((((((Sue)))))))),

Mark, Jenni's dad

[suelowe]

Hey mark, i believe in God in my own little way. And im hoping you don't believe that people shouldn't believe in one word of your faith. I think hearing (or reading) a couple of warm words of faith can comfort someone. I know it depends on the individual, but my preference is that it can be comforting.

You said you love christmas, this is good! But for me, it a little different, as me and my mother experienced some of the hardest times in our lives during christmas, so i don't have as much heart or love for that time. I'm sorry to sound off here,but because of past experiences, i just like to do whatever i have to do, smile stiffly and get on with it. Don't get me wrong, we do have lots of fun, its just the reminders, you know?

i have to go now, as this computer needs to be used up! dammit!

speak to you soon, love and hugs

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, just do your own amazing thing. Take your time with all the issues you need to grab. You notice I have been having a problem getting to BI. I've been wrestling with depression for Jenni's death. I can't shake it off, so I guess I have to plow through it. All in due time, though. I am always praying for you, my dearest friend. You brighten my day so very much. Thank you. Our prayers are yours, along with some hugs. Mark and mine.

[suelowe]

Mark, i've been trying to do my 'own amazing thing' for the past 2 years or so. Sometimes it gets me somewhere in my grief, sometimes it don't. Over the past couple of days, i think i've finally worked out what it is i'm scared of, it's saying Goodbye. I'm terrified of this. i knew i was scared of something, but i couldn't quite work it out. Maybe that's another word for the acceptance, but, no, i'll probably face it when i'm 80 odd. Otherwise i'm taking one day at a time.

i'm sorry to hear you're fighting the depression, but perhaps it would be easier for you to take one day at a time, and accept how you're feeling? I know our beliefs are different, but i pray that God watches over you at this time.

Just words i know, but i hope they help.

hugs and prayers,

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

80odd? Oh, maybe by then, we'll be a little more willing to "accept" it? Truly, I don't know if we ever get to a place of true acceptance of losing another. I know you're scared. Truth is, I also fear. I fear losing my sweet wife. Be patient and kind to yourself, Sue. You are truly a dear girl. I'll write more in my email. Luv ya, with big hugs for your cushions, Mark - Jenni's dad

[suelowe]

Hmmm, i can empathise with being scared of losing a loved one. I've been there Mark, i've crapped my pants (almost), felt like i was drunk (even though i hadn't drunk at all) and i was a complete jibbering wreck days before my mum passed away. i've never felt such panickyness like it!

Ok, maybe a more appropriate way of putting the 'acceptance' is that we are able to cope more with such pain as time goes on because apparently the pain lessens?? (scratches head) There's a lot of words to describe such things isn't there?

take care of yourself, and thank you for my big hugs for my cushions.....both are full for me to hug!

Margaret's daughter

sue (oh wow! first time i've done that)