Father died, stepmother shutting me out

[Noel]

I think I need some help. Some perspective.

 

I have searched the ENTIRE web to  try to find a story like mine but to no avail.

 

My dad passed from colorectal cancer the day after christmas. He was diagnosed 18 months ago.

I spent every weekend with him...went to his appointments when my stepmom needed a break.....researched things for him when he didn't want to. I have no regrets on how I chose to spend the last 18 months with him.

 

My stepmother and I have had our rocky times. She has been in my life for a very long time. I am 44. Met her when I was 5. She married my dad when I was around 10. She wsnt always the nicest but, we managed. Sometimes were just better than others I should say.

 

But, over the last 18 months, even the relationship with her was no problem whatsoever. I feel like everything was finally going to be OK. I so very welcomed it.

 

My father started to pre-actively die only for about a month. He did great up until then considering. He only actively died for about 3 days.
 

When his faculties started to wane during this time. I "felt" tension from her. To be fair, my father had palced me in the "medical knowledge" role from the beginning of this journey. Once he could not answer for himself anymore, she resisted any help I gave. She resisted calling hospice in a timely manner, withheld pain medications largely due to denial and many other things. She was obviously loosing it. I tried with every ounce of politeness I had left to keep helping her at a pace she could deal with. Not working. He died suffering from pain.

 

Her two kids(my half siblings. 31 and 28 yoa) only managed to visit him 3 times in 18 months even though they only live 2 hours away. So of course as you could imagine, they came in like gang busters and tried to take over. Bad scene. Not happy, but I still held it together.

 

It has been a month since his death. I have called, texted, emailed, visited, cooked food for, and even had to plan the whole memorial last minute because she just couldnt do it and her kids failed her when they said they would.

 

Here is my selfish issue. It is just now occurring to me that she has never once hugged me, offered her condolences for the loss of my father, and she has only called me once and that was to tell me to make the memorial happen. I understand that my loss is not even comparable to hers. And I do not need nor wish her to be the one who has to support me on a daily basis. but, nothing? Not one gesture? Am I crazy to be feeling this hurt right now?

 

I keep thinking I just need to give her space but yet I feel horrible for not checking on her.

 

I let the last 5 days go by with no contact. It is hurting me. But it is also showing me that maybe she is done with me?

Any advice on how to advance from here?

[Racheliza]

Hi Noel, I'm so sorry about your dad. Also, it does sound strange that she has not reached out to you in any way except to make the memorial happen. I'm wondering if they had a pretty solid marriage and maybe she is just so overwhelmed by grief that she doesn't realize that she hasn't offered you condolences? Regardless, I can understand why you are hurt. That's your dad & you supported both him & her during a crazy difficult time. I would continue to give her some time & let her reach out when she is ready. Maybe that would allow you to focus on yourself, which you may very well need since you have been taking care of everybody else. Take care, & Hugs

[Trish91]

Dear Noel,

 

I am truly sorry for your loss and for the added pain and humiliation caused by the selfish and nasty behavior of your half siblings and step mother.

 

Extended family, in-laws and step mothers or fathers, and siblings can be difficult, but in your case, I would strongly recommend to give it up.

 

You were wonderful to your dad, you looked after him, you were there for him, your half siblings weren´t, and your step mother obviously had vested interests, and was insincere and manipulative, still is. So, what matters is what you did for your father, and the fact that your dad really valued your love, care and sacrifices, what the other people think should be irrelevant.

 

Although it is terribly disappointing, and as I said before, even humiliating, the behavior of your step mother, I think that you did the right thing by your dad, and that´s what truly matters, so focus on that, and feel glad that you were your dad´s biggest support during such a terrible time, and ignore your step mother, and only talk to her when strictly necessary, for all the paperwork and proceedings regarding your dad´s estate, and forget about her as a source of support.

 

I know it is super hard, and it´s easy to talk when I am not in your situation, but that´s how I view it. I´d focus on those who truly cared, my closest friends, my husband and other relatives rather than on somebody who clearly does not care. I am sorry to be so brutal, but her behavior towards you sounds appalling, incredibly selfish, uncaring and arrogant, and also that of your half siblings´.

 

You need to grieve, and perhaps thinking about their nasty attitudes takes your mind off  a little bit of the fact that your dad is gone; it may be a distraction, but it´s a bad one, it´s full of negative energy, as your step mother projects that negative energy, and it´s toxic to you, particularly at this point in time when you are so vulnerable.

 

Therefore, take care, look after yourself and those who truly care about you, grieve over you dad´s passing, and go to a counselor or support group if you need to in order to vent, but do not waste any more energy and time on your step mother or half siblings. You need to surround yourself with good people, and cleanse your life of those who are not.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

[Kaleesie99]

I found this thread in a search. Going thru something similar with my stepmom. Any changes since you posted?

[Kirstan]

I too lost my father recently. He passed unexpectedly in September 2020. I am also dealing with a stepmother that is cold and Unempathetic. Has anything changed in your situation? It’s been 4 months for me...

[jorgia]

i actually lost my mother in April 2020 and over time you do start to learn how to cope with your pain but you never fully get over it. it is best to find someone you trust just to be able to talk to them, you feel much more relieved when you get everything off your mind and chest...

[JoR]

Noel - None of this is your fault.  She is doing this on purpose

 

[debbieg2020]

Hi I am very sorry for your loss. I know how you are feeling as I am in a very similar situation. Basically my stepmother refused to have a carer for my father in the house so against mine and my brother's and sister's agreement she put him in a care home. He had dementia by the way and had always said that we weren't to put him in a home but we couldn't stop it. 4 months after she put him in there he died. She always went to USA for 6 weeks twice a year (previously with him). Anyway to cut a long story short he was in hospital with breathing difficulties and she was going to US so managed to get him discharged after 2 weeks in hospital back to the home. The day he was coming out she flew to USA (they have a house there and her son, my stepbrother lives there). I said to her that I didn't agree with what she was doing as we live 4 hours away but to no avail. My sister went to visit him that week and said he wasn't well. The next day he was back in hospital with pneumonia and we rushed up and missed him dying by 5 minutes which was distressing enough in itself. She should have been with her husband of 46 years by his side when he died and I will never forgive myself for not getting there in time. I phoned her and said what had happened and asked when she would be flying back but she said she wasn't coming back or going to the funeral. I was shocked beyond words. My sister who had been a massive support to her over the last 4 years then sent her a message to say if she didn't come back then she had lost her and her reply was 'So be it'. She didn't come to the funeral or help with the service in any way or help with probate etc etc. We went to visit his grave yesterday and went to go into the house (which is now hers) and she had given strict instructions to the key holder not to let us in. Another kick in the teeth. I am at my wits end as to what makes a person behave so badly. He had looked after and provided well for her all those years and he would be distraught if he knew that she had not been at his funeral.....

[KayC]

I want to say that people handle death differently and dementia is very hard to handle in the latter stages...it runs in my family.  My mom had it and refused to downsize or go into an assisted living...she was, BTW, very nuts to the point we were afraid if we took her into our own homes she'd kill our dog or something and she was highly abusive when we were growing up.  Out of six kids, one was disabled, my brother and I were the only ones that had anything to do with her (and it was very hard), and the other three did not.  It took us a year to get a court order to have her put into a facility...by this time she was stage 3 and quickly moving to stage 4 Lewy Bodies.  She has extreme paranoia and nearly every social disorder their was except borderline.  She finally got help in the facility for her extreme paranoia which did soften her but by that time her mind was gone.  I was still working and commuting and my brother was working too.  Not saying your situation is like mine, but it was hard.  She was in the facility from age 90 to 92, when she passed.

I am so sorry your stepmom refused to let you go to her home, it sounds like direct retaliation, which never has a place in death/grief.

Your dad would indeed be very disappointed to learn how things went.  I am so sorry for your loss and for your stepmom's "response."