6 months now, but now i'm crying the most

[teominator]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I'm looking for something on the internet to help me get through these moments, because now, 6 months after mom passed away, i can't get over it.

I comfort myself with the fact that she is around somewhere, and watching me, as she promised But i can't lose the image of the last hours and that feeling of being useless where i'm concerned and sad where my mom is concerned.

I am an only child, and my mom raised me alone. So you can understand how close we've been. Not a single day of my life went by without me talking to her, at least on the phone when i was at college. She died of womb cancer, had surgeries and suffered for more than 3 years. I took care of her like no one did (funny how in a tough situation you find out who your true friends are, but that's another talk; probably that's why our bond was so much stronger lately).

Not taking into consideration all the suffering and pain until the last day, i still can't get over what happened that one day. She couldn't breathe for 2 days and i wanted to put air in her lungs but i couldn't (she didn't want that device..). I couldn't get any sleep for the last few days. Because i had to change her clothes non-stop. That TORE ME APART, not just physically, i would have done 1000 times that effort to keep her. But the fact that she, my mother and the being who made me and shaped me, a doctor who saved so many lives herself now stood in a bed, in pain in a battle with only one end. Every breath was pain, agony; her poor soft hands hopelessly pierced by needles, her feet red from thrombophlebitis, her back in pain from months in bed.

We are both Lord Of The Rings fans, and watched the scene when the people of Rohan came to Gondor's aid, screaming 'Death!'; the last time we saw that we knew what battle we had in front of us, which made it so much harder. I try to take comfort in this very thing, that some battles you have to fight no matter how hard they are. But she did it in the most possible way.

I also have probably the strongest memory ever: one day, early in the morning, basically still night, i had to go catch the train to my university town - she insisted that i go (which makes her even more heroic). That wasn't the last time i saw her, but i bent by her bed, and she put her hand on my head, through my hair, and i memorized every bit of information about that touch thinking it will be the last. I'm a pretty huge guy, almost 2 meters, staying by my weakened mother, with her hand on my head looking down. I think i'm going to paint this some time, it's such a strong image in my mind. This shows me the huge power of love, victorious against the hardest struggles.

I know she told me not to grieve after more than i should, i know she would want me to move on, and i have. It's just that i can't come to terms with these bombs exploding in my soul. She told me she lived her entire life for me. That was the last thing she told me as a goodbye. That hurts so much (i'm even crying as i write this) i can't stop thinking how hard it must have been for her to finally be at the end of her life and utter those words. I wouldn't wish my enemies what me and my mother went through. What can i do forget that pain..?

[stacyc]

hi I just wanted to say I am so so sorry about the loss of your beloved mom and I do truly understand. My mom will be gone 6months on the 21st. I live in new york but my mom was born and raised in england. When my mom got cancer there was just me to take care of her (all her family was still in liverpool). My mom and dad did not get along and she did not think my two older brothers could handle the battle my mom was about to go through. She was right it was a 10 month battle. She had lung cancer that spread to her brain and bones. She suffered so bad in her last months. I am haunted by the nights when I would be up with her as she her struggled just to get up to go to the bathroom. I find it so hard to believe that some one so beautiful and full of life could be struggling to do the smallest of things a yr. later. I can relate on who your real firends are too. Without you having to say anyhting else, and that goes not only for my friends but my mothers as well. I just know how your feeling it is so hard, and its very lonely. I'm so sorry for your loss.  I wish I could be with her again, she was so brave. I can only hope and pray that I can be half the mother that she was to me (i have a 2yr old son). Mother and daughters have this extremely amazing bond thats hard to describe. Its almost like losing your soul mate. Hang in there sweetie. You are in my thoughts and prayers. They will 4ever be our guardian angels.

[perfectfan]

Dear teominator,

I'm about the same age as as you hence I feel your pain, although not the full measure.  6 months is too short, and the pain is still fresh and raw inside.  I'm about in the 8th month now, and nothing gets easier, it just gets harder with each passing day.  I'm afraid of the impending arrival of sep, as it'd mean where all the horrors have begun.  I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through those shits again.

Your mother was a warrior till the end, I believe.  Our mothers will be heartbroken to see us crying over them, but you cant deny you feel better after a good cry.  And as I read your post, I tear a little.   I'm sorry to say things can will get better because when you lose your mum, you've lost a part of yourself, and life would never be the same again.

Take comfort in the memories you had with her, they're irreplaceable.  And as I always said, "Death ends a life, never a relationship"