2+ Years

[wheatandobsidian]

I am new to this forum, and never really thought about joining an online forum until my therapist recommended it.  It has been more than two years since my fiancé and soul mate died in a car accident along with another friend of mine.  While I have seen some progress in myself in terms of living life, I am still incredibly grief stricken.  I feel very isolated still, as if the world just moving on and I am just watching it.  It is so hard to find joy in things.  I am hoping that the forum will let me know that there are others out there who have a similar experience—who experienced a sudden loss of a partner who was young.  And, if two years later, they still feel the way I do.  I would appreciate it if anyone could just empathize with such a loss.  

 

[Austykatie]

Welcome, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am just about to hit the 1 year mark on loosing my fiancé. I was 35 he was 43, He died in a snowmobile accident. It was horrible and I can tell you I am sure we feel some of the very same feelings!

 

I hope you can find some comfort in joining this site! It has helped me more than I could have ever imagined! Feel free to hit up the chat room!

[backyarder1]

I have met many people on this forum and in grief support groups who are still grieving after two years or more. And I don't think that anyone can really say what is right and what is wrong in grief. I hope that talking it out with some of the people on this forum can help you through the experience. I know they help me a lot.

[obakesan]

Hi

It is so hard to find joy in things.  I am hoping that the forum will let me know that there are others out there who have a similar experience—who experienced a sudden loss of a partner who was young.  And, if two years later, they still feel the way I do.  I would appreciate it if anyone could just empathize with such a loss.

Its about 1.5 years for me, so less than your two, I relate strongly to what you say. I have been pushing myself to look it in the eye and try to heal my wounds (which is perhaps a simplification for what I mean).

Young is relative, I'm in my 40's she was in her 30's, you decide if that's young. We were young enough to be planning children and Drs initially diagnosed her vomiting as possibly pregnancy. Turned out to be a brain tumor instead.

When I sit in the house I feel worse. When I go to go outside there is a strange resistance I meet. When I go outside it is as much good as it is bad, but its better than just sitting inside.

To me there is nothing wrong with sitting on the bank and watching the river go by. There is no timetable to this.

I watch movies we loved and think of her. That has been helping me. We liked a particular TV series (among other things) and I have been finding it strangely filled with poignant quotes now that I'm re-watching it (without her).

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/2014/01/guided-contemplation-and-tv.html

I hope you find at least some ideas in that blog post even if the series or the quotes I found significant don't 'resonate' with you.

Today I went out on the lake Skiing and stopped to remind myself that I am here because of her. I'm from Australia, she's from Finland. I came back to Finland to spend a year in just reflection of ourselves and who we were and who we became.

maybe from there when I eventually grasp that I can begin to see who I've become in that time.

I wish you peace

[julsgirl]

i am also new to these boards. i have been looking for an avenue to channel my thoughts and feelings with others that have experienced the same kind of loss as i have. my friends and family are very supportive of me. and very patient.....i want to add.....the people that decided to not be patient with me are no longer among the circle i can trust. my circle is small and although i know the people around me love me and care for me......i feel i cannot go on talking about my loss and my feelings all the time. even though i feel i need to. so rather than burden the ones i love or have them think i am not "ok" i thought perhaps if i could share my thoughts with someone that understands and empathizes about my loss it may help a little. may even help others as they journey through this life....changed as we all are. i also wish to say it really doesn't matter how old or young someone is. a loss of someone so close and intimate is devastating no matter what. i do not believe there is a magic amount of time for anyone to "get over it" or want to "move on". grief and loss are personal and as individual as a finger print. there are so many componets to building a relationship and then suddenly having it change. the physical change was so very difficult in the beginning. not hearing his voice, not feeling his touch, his warmth, his presence. i always felt so safe in his arms.....so protected from whatever life threw my way. he was an excellent listener and constant source of encouragement. his hugs could warm me, his laughter made my day, and his kisses drove me crazy. this emptiness continues and i believe it always will. it's been 3 years, 154 days, 4 hours and 51 minutes as i write this. i have literally clawed myself up and out of the darkness with the belief that he is always with me. his strength, his grace and his belief in me has gotten me to this point. it has not been easy. that is not to say that i still don't have days when i curl up in my bed and sob until i sleep. when i wake up in the darkness i imagine his arms around me warm and safe. that's the only way i can fall asleep again. i guess i am trying to say that it doesn't get better......but you get better at handling it. i remember going to a grief symposium in deleware once. the first thing one of the counslers did was hand out pieces of paper and told us to crumple them up into a ball.  then she told our group to un-crumple the paper and smooth it out. as we did that she told us that we were all the same piece of paper.....but just a little different now. that was when i realised that if i was a different person (and a little crumpled) i had to learn to love julian in a different way. and so i have....or at least i am still trying to learn how to do that. thanks for reading this, listening and understanding. 

[Alone]

The day I lost my Tom a very wise widowed neighbor told me "time does not heal, it only lends perspective".  In the 6+ months since I lost my Tom I have learned that those are some of the most honest words I've ever received.  You learn to adapt and accept, but you do not heal.

[wheatandobsidian]

Thank you all for responding to me.  There really is comfort in knowing that I am not alone in feeling certain things.  I also feel like I cannot burden people close to me, because they think enough time has passed or they will start to worry about me.  I think that "young" was perhaps the wrong choice of words.  What I mean was a young relationship, not years of marriage and memories.  I think there is something distinct about losing a fiance, because you have to also grieve the loss of what could have been and the life that you planned together, the wedding you never got, the kids that were never born, etc.  That adds a different layer, one that is hard for many to understand.  In some ways, I envy people who got to spend years with their partner, and create so many memories.  I only have a few in comparison.  And, that makes me vey sad sometimes.