Mom passed away suddenly. Trying to cope. Scared.

[Anina]

First of all, I want to say how relieved I am to have found this community. I admire each and every member's courage to reach out, share and heal each other. Sorry for your losses and sending my warmest thoughts to everyone.

 

My mom got sick on the 30th of December 2013. She was submitted to the hospital but insisted that I didn't worry (since her illness - pancreatitis - didn't seem like it was going to be in any way severe). However, 2 says later I got on a train and went to see her. She was really happy to see me, and feeling fine.

She was released home only to come back to the hospital the next day for respiratory and heart distress. While mildly sedated, just before falling asleep in the hospital, the last words we said to each other were "Mom, I love you." "Me too".

 

It's like we both anticipated it but didn't want to admit that she was never going to wake up. 10 days later, after continuously fighting and hanging onto life, she passed away while my dad and I held her hand and told her not to be afraid. That was January 13th - ironic, isn't it.

 

Nobody is ever ready for this. I'm 23, have moved away from home 4 years ago, but used to call my mom every night. Not because I had significant stuff to share, but because I knew it would make her day. 

 

I'm not worried about her anymore, she is definitely somewhere better. She was a doctor and dedicated her life to saving thousands of people, so all her kindness and dedication must have sent her somewhere good. I admit that my pain comes from knowing that from now on, I will live in a world where I'll never get to hug her, see her, or ever talk to her again. 

 

I am angry at everyone, have a very hard time talking to my significant other as he has not been through something like this, and though it's not his fault, and I truly love him, I can't send any positive messages or be kind as I used to be.

 

To sum up this post, I'm hurting and I'm scared. Scared of ruining my relationship. Scared of not being able to honor her memory as I should. Scared that I won't know how to pull myself together. I'm a strong person, but this pain seems like it's going to stick for a while.

PLEASE tell me it gets better. And maybe offer some guidance on how not to mess up my relationship.

 

Thank you for taking time to read this.

 

 

[Trish91]

Dear Anina,

 

I´m truly sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on the 17th of December, exactly a month ago yesterday, and I have ups and downs constantly. I used to be a really enthusiastic, energetic and optimistic person, just like my dearly beloved mom, but my life has now changed forever.

 

My mom was really sick for about two and a half weeks, and extremely sick for four days. Before that, and for a period of three  months, she had been misdiagnosed by incompetent doctors as if suffering from herniated spinal discs, and she was in good spirits, in pain, but able to eat and live a mostly normal life, although not like before (she was always super active and doing lots of things, she was full of life, and the illness robbed her of her soul somehow, thogh at that stage she was not seriously ill). So, she was only diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer two and half weeks before her passing.

 

I thank God for I was able to spend time with her during the last three months of her life, every single day. Like you, and given that I didn´t live at home, I spoke with her every day pretty much, usually for two and even three hours. We were extremely close and I loved her and love her to bits. We were best friends and soul mates, always telling each other everything.

 

So, losing her has hurt like nothing ever did before. I miss her every single second of every single day. I think about her when I wake up and go to sleep, and I often cry, sometimes for a long time, but usually when on my own, as I cannot really do it in front of anybody. Perhaps my husband is the only person who I can cry a little bit in front of, but although he is supportive, I love him and he loves me, he has never been through anything like it either, so it´s hard for him to comprehend why I cry so much and often feel depressed and in despair when I used to be the complete opposite.

 

It has been and will continue to be extremely hard, but in time it will not be as painful, we will pull through and learn to accept their deaths and to live without them. It is extremely scary for me too. Like you, I am sure that my mom is in a much better place, full of happiness, health and peace, as she was a wonderful person, a university professor who helped out thousands of students over a career of more than 30 years. But I am worried about myself, about not being able to cope, about breaking down, disappointing her and not being able to honour her memory, just like you.

 

I can just tell you that although I am older than you, I´m in my 30s, I completely understand what you are going through, and feel for you and everybody else on this forum who is also hurting and facing this terrible reality which we never thought we would have to face in our lives, even though death is an inherent part of life.

 

This forum is and has been a lifeline to me, the only place where I feel completely understood and free to say whatever I want without being judged as weak or things like that or without anybody rolling their eyes because I am raising the topic yet again. So, coming here is a pretty good step, as is perhaps finding a good bereavement support group in your city, where you can meet with strangers who are in a similar situation to yours, reading good bereavement books, and finding a grief counselor. That´s what I am planning to do as soon as I possibly can.

 

Regarding my partner, I will not hold my tears or sadness for his sake. I will also tell my dad how I feel, my brother and best friends, but I will most of all continue to vent in this forum, and manage my grief through professional outlets, so that I don´t have to rely on others around me all the time.

 

Another thing that truly helps me is talking to my mom and praying. Although my spiritual beliefs are somewhat mixed up by tragedy right now, I need them to pull through, they are essential to me, more than any earthly support, and I pray that my faith increases and strengthens.

 

Anyhow, I just wanted to say hello and welcome, and if you need to talk, please feel free to contact me on a one on one basis, through my email.

 

Warm regards and blessings,

 

Trish

 

P.S: Take good care of yourself, live one day at the time, and please exercise, eat and sleep as best as you can. I know it´s really hard, and we are strong, our moms are looking over us, but it´s still incredibly painful.......

[Anina]

Hi and thank you kindly for replying and sharing your story. Very sorry about your loss, and hope your support system will get you through, and that the pain becomes more bearable in time.

 

Please let me share another thing - a metaphor I've read somewhere online that perfectly describes the grieving process and (at least for me) helps set the right expectations.

 

Grief is like a train with stops of good times and joy. They say that from this point on, we will be commuters. At the beginning the train rides last for days and it seems like nothing good will ever happen again. Then there's that first stop, the first time you go for a few hours of genuinely feeling good. But inevitably you're back on the train afterwards.

 

They also say that in time, we will have more and more stops and less travelling on that train. We will be back on it less and less in time, in certain moments, or when some triggers act upon our memory. We will forever be grief commuters, for the rest of our lives.

 

I think the ride can takes us two ways, and we have a choice in this. Either we turn it into a learning experience, on how to better cherish life and the ones we love, or we drift astray and lose ourselves. So I guess we all need to make that choice now and start acting on it.

 

I'm really thankful for my loving partner and for my father, who've been more than understanding. I know they will be there to pick me up at each stop and help me remember that life is, or will be again,  in fact, wonderful.

 

I hope I didn't sound crazy in any way - kind of having a hard time figuring out what is and what is not normal at the moment. I guess I'm using this place as a means to let my thoughts and ideas out, hoping that maybe others can relate and find them useful.

 

Warm regards,

A.

 

 

 

[cindyjane]

Hi ladies, I am so sorry for your losses.  It's been 4 months since my mom left us and it still stings at times.  But not as often and not for as long.  I think this is because I know that our moms are in a better place than we are and that one day we will meet again.  One of the things that helps me a lot is when my heart gets heavy missing my mom, I think about how blessed I am to have had her for my mom.  If find that when I am feeling grateful for that the heaviness lifts.  Take care both of you and we will get through these difficult times....after all, that is what our dear moms would want.

Cindy

[sogovia]

Hello there all.  I am truly sorry for all your losses.  I lost my mum 19 years ago now and i can remember how incredibly hard the grief felt then.  I felt i was going mad with grief.  I always had her in my heart and if ever i felt i needed her, she was always around me and even now to this day, if i want her she is with me.  The last thing she mimed to me because she couldn't speak was, "I love you" and i mimed it back to her with a huge smile stood at the foot of her bed as she was in intensive care and my sister who was there before me was sat in a chair next to the bed.  I had just creeped in so's not to wake her because i figured that sleep was what she needed and as i appeared at the foot of her bed she woke and slightly moved her head smiling at me with those wonderful eyes she had.  And i remember that as if it were yesterday, you see, thats what we have that no one can take away.  Crying is healthy and the intensity of grief is measured by the intensity of the love we have for someone close that we have lost. Grief is a natural reaction to loss and try to not see it as anything else but.

 

Lily

[Blackrock]

Sorry for your loss. We all lost someone we loved that's why we're here. You're not alone. You only have one mom or one dad so it really hurts when they're no longer here. It's a piece of you that's missing.

My dad recently passed and I found it hard to believe. Some day is bad- crying when am driving or listening to a song and remember my dad. You should let your emotions out and grieve. I only do it when no one is around. I kept it professional at work and be supportive for my family.

Be strong! You'll go thru one step at a time. As for ur bf. don't expect him to understand bc it's not his mom. And don't put ur frustration on him. Give ur self some time to grieve and he should be there to provide a shoulder to cry on and be supportive; otherwise it's not worth keeping this bf if he doesn't care about ur feeling.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[RTF]

Hi

I'm sorry for your loss of your mom. My mother suddenly developed respiratory distress on December 23 and I held her through the dawn of Christmas Eve trying to be there. She was 92 and had suddenly been overcome with pneumonia and sepsis. It is so hard to let go.

Best of wishes to you at this time.

My father had died when I was ten months old so my mother really parented me largely all my life.

It's good to connect with others in the same situation. I have a friend who lost her father back in June; we talk and it helps.

[AT25]

Hi Anina and everyone else.

 

I lost my mom last week and I go from anger to sadness and back again. The emotional roller coaster is truly exhausting. I also find at times I am so drained I feel nothing.

 

I too talked to my mom everyday and feel at 35 the emptiness of that as long as I live on this earth I will never talk to her again. That truly is the worst part. We do have to take comfort in they are both in better places and can no longer hurt in any way. We are the ones who hurt because we are still here. But I suppose we hurt because they were such great people and made such a positive influence on both our lives.

Everyone tells me it will get better and I have to believe that is true. I don't think I will ever get over this, however I do think the hole in my heart will be filled with all the good memories we had once I can think of them without so much pain. Hang in there and know there are others you can rely on. We're all here for you.

[Neer]

Dear All , I lost my Mom's on 24th December 2017 . She was slightly I'll & then It was decided that she should be admitted to a hospital as an emergency measures. I took her to the nearest available hospital which happened to be a government hospital. But Alas the same evening she expired. I deeply regret that had I admitted in a good private hospital she must have been alive . There was absolutely no issue of money just a wrong decision . What to do . My mother was almost healthy.she was very very loving . I miss her very very much . More than a month & I remember her almost 24 hrs a day . I feel that she died due to me . 

[tessa]

Dear Neer,
Don't be so hard on yourself. When we lose a loved one, we tend to have guilt - if only I did this or didn't do that. I too wish I had done something different.
But the reality is that when it is our time to go, it is our time to go and nothing can change it.
Guilt is part of the grieving process
So forgive yourself. You didn't know. There is no saying that had you chosen the other hospital your mother would still be here. The same thing could have happened at the other hospital.
You did your best. That is what you should remember. I have regrets too but I keep reminding myself that I did my best and I focus on the good I did and not the things I didn't do.