How do I go on?

February 15, 2014

Dear Trish91,

I find myself asking that same question every day. And the answer is getting more and more out of reach. How do I live without my dad? How do I keep going when I know he's not here for support anymore? How do I even manage to do anything without him to guide me along the way? How do I be a functional human being without him holding my hand along the way?

I relied on him so much throughout my life and it wasn't until I lost him that I realized just how dependent I have become on him. I can't do this alone, I know that and I'm admitting to that. I never thought the day would come that I would have to be on my own, not fully anyways. It was supposed to be him and I together until the bitter end. It was supposed to be him beating cancer, beating a brain aneurysm, beating all the odds and then dying of old age as happy as he made me feel.

I feel scared too. Scared that I am going to wind up losing sight of the end goal of my life. I don't even know what that goal is, which scares me. Being on my own now and losing my dad so suddenly has opened my eyes to just how quickly life can be gone. I took him for granted so many times when he was here, but not any longer. I have to make his death mean something.

I know these feelings of helplessness have to at least get pushed aside long enough so we can continue on living. They just have to, there's no other option but to get through this no matter the pain. I thought I knew what pain was until I lost my dad, now nothing else even comes close.

That confident and strong woman that you once were is still in there. She's just been buried so deep under all the grief. I know it doesn't feel that way, I know it doesn't seem like things can return to where they once were, but this sadness can't paralyze us forever. There has to be a way to keep living when the ones we love most in this world dies.

I want to know the way more than anything. If we stick together, we might just be able to figure this whole thing out. For the sake of our parents... and of ourselves.

February 16, 2014

Dear Kirbiboh,

I find myself crying for no reason at all, day in and day out. I am so scared of a future without my mom, who, by the way, died two months ago, tomorrow will exactly be two months. I cannot believe it, sometimes I think it's all been a nightmare from which I will wake up all of a sudden. I cry when I think of all the wonderful times that we had. I cry when I see her pictures, and thus, I avoid them, as I cannot stand the pain.

I keep reading about near death experiences from people all over the world, people from all sorts of backgrounds, scientists, doctors, engineers, teachers, 'uneducated' people, etc, of all ages and nationalities, who anonymously publish their stories without seeking to profit from them in any shape or form, in order to maintain my sanity, my hope and faith in a reunion with the most important person in the world to me, my mom. I miss her more every day that goes by. I never thought that it was possible to feel so much pain that seems never ending.

I feel guilty about the times when I was too busy to travel to see her, even though she asked me all the time. I feel guilty about wishing that her pain would end as quickly as possible so that I could 'resume' my life. I feel guilty that I didn't arrive to the clinic very early every day, and that I didn't stay with her every night because I was jetlagged and most of all, because I was terrified, numb, in shock. I feel guilty that I didn't break down in front of her more often when I was at the clinic. I feel guilty that I didn't take her pain more seriously and find out more about possible causes on the Internet, because then, perhaps, she would have gotten a CT scan of her chest a lot earlier rather than two or three MRIs that did not detect anything. I feel guilty that I was upset with her because I did not know how hard her pain was, I did not believe her or understand her pain. I feel guilty for reprimanding her for not being her energetic and cheerful self. I feel guilty for giving away some of her things to my dad, things that mean a lot to me and that is why I gave them to him and nobody else. I feel guilty because I let my dad stay at my mom's house when she never wanted that because they loved each other very much and were each other's one true love but when they separated it was pretty acrimonious as their relationship was always volatile........

I feel super guilty, but then if I let myself be consumed by guilt, it will destroy me, and my mom doesn't want that for me, and neither does your dad. It was their time to die, and neither of us are trained medical doctors to have understood perfectly what was going on with them, nor are we perfect, we are just human, and thus, very flawed. Our parents understand that, they know we loved them very much and still do, always will, and that we dream of a time when we will be together again. I am sure they can see us and feel us, but we can from this dimension, and even more so given how sad and stressed out we are right now. To connect with the spiritual world you need to be at peace with yourself.

I pray for God's forgiveness, for my mom's forgiveness, and for my peace of mind every single day. Sometimes I feel like dying from the pain that overwhelms me like the worst thing that I have ever experienced in my entire life. I feel like I am paying for any misdeeds every single day, such is my pain. I often feel like I would like to die just to join her, and I think of ways for it to happen. I know she would not want that, but such is the pain that I feel.

I am just devastated by the loss of the person that meant and means the world to me, my soulmate, my mom, my sister, my daughter, it is a if she were everything to me, and I'd give anything to be with her again, to have her back, anything.

I cry alone, of course, as I don't want to freak my husband out, or my friends, and when I cry I feel desperate, like there is no consolation in sight.

I know where you are coming from, I know how you feel my friend, I feel for you and for all of us on this forum. However, it is not your fault, it wasn't your fault or our fault. Life and death are not within our control, when somebody is meant to die, at any age, there is nothing we can do about it, nothing at all. If you check the papers, thousands if not hundreds of thousands of people die every day around the world, of all ages, babies, todlers, elderly people, teens, etc, etc, men and women, of illnesses of all sorts, accidents of all sorts, some of them absurd, like a building collapsing on somebody's car or a person falling in a frozen river in the UK and drawning, or a scarf getting caught up in a scalator and strangling the lady who was wearing it. Therefore, death is totally beyond our control.

I just wanted to say that, and also that I am here for you, as a friend, if you need to talk. You can email me directly if you want, or in this fashion. We need to help each other out on this forum, as only we know how terribly hard it is to survive the death of the most important people in our lives, our parents.

Warm regards,

Trish

February 16, 2014

Hi Trish -

What you wrote made me cry. I know how you must feel because I now live riddled with guilt. I feel tremendous guilt for every little time I simply couldn’t leave work at that very moment, to take them to the store. My mom and dad often complained of not feeling well, and I tried to find a quick solution. Use this, take that, hoping to relieve their pain so I could just go and attend to my responsibilities, and this makes me feel like a bad person. When I couldn’t forego work and they needed me, I tried to find solutions, get others to help, when I knew they needed me and not someone else. I now live with guilt. I wish I’d been a multi-millionaire, so I could’ve quit working and simply have been there for mom and dad in their last days. Although I probably did the best I could, I don't believe it, and my heart tells me it wasn’t good enough, and so I suffer tremendous guilt.

The reality is that guilt is a part of grieving, no matter who you are, no matter what you did in life, and no matter how you handled situations in life. Grieving will come even about things that we had little or no control over, because we love them so much and our only cure is for them to be here again, and we even imagine that we were in some way the cause of their leaving. We can’t help not regretting not having been perfect, or ideal, or better, and because we couldn't be those things, we suffer pain.

If you had been able, financially and otherwise, to be with her more, you would’ve done so, but you weren’t able to, and you had a million responsibilities that didn’t give you the freedom to be perfect, and to be there for them in every way imaginable. You are only human, and as frail as a human can be, and you did the best you could, as a human being, with the situations you were handed. And yet I know that saying that will not relieve your guilt, or mine, because guilt is something that is part and parcel of grieving, and it hurts terribly.

Dear Kirbiboh,

I find myself crying for no reason at all, day in and day out. I am so scared of a future without my mom, who, by the way, died two months ago, tomorrow will exactly be two months. I cannot believe it, sometimes I think it's all been a nightmare from which I will wake up all of a sudden. I cry when I think of all the wonderful times that we had. I cry when I see her pictures, and thus, I avoid them, as I cannot stand the pain.

I keep reading about near death experiences from people all over the world, people from all sorts of backgrounds, scientists, doctors, engineers, teachers, 'uneducated' people, etc, of all ages and nationalities, who anonymously publish their stories without seeking to profit from them in any shape or form, in order to maintain my sanity, my hope and faith in a reunion with the most important person in the world to me, my mom. I miss her more every day that goes by. I never thought that it was possible to feel so much pain that seems never ending.

I feel guilty about the times when I was too busy to travel to see her, even though she asked me all the time. I feel guilty about wishing that her pain would end as quickly as possible so that I could 'resume' my life. I feel guilty that I didn't arrive to the clinic very early every day, and that I didn't stay with her every night because I was jetlagged and most of all, because I was terrified, numb, in shock. I feel guilty that I didn't break down in front of her more often when I was at the clinic. I feel guilty that I didn't take her pain more seriously and find out more about possible causes on the Internet, because then, perhaps, she would have gotten a CT scan of her chest a lot earlier rather than two or three MRIs that did not detect anything. I feel guilty that I was upset with her because I did not know how hard her pain was, I did not believe her or understand her pain. I feel guilty for reprimanding her for not being her energetic and cheerful self. I feel guilty for giving away some of her things to my dad, things that mean a lot to me and that is why I gave them to him and nobody else. I feel guilty because I let my dad stay at my mom's house when she never wanted that because they loved each other very much and were each other's one true love but when they separated it was pretty acrimonious as their relationship was always volatile........

I feel super guilty, but then if I let myself be consumed by guilt, it will destroy me, and my mom doesn't want that for me, and neither does your dad. It was their time to die, and neither of us are trained medical doctors to have understood perfectly what was going on with them, nor are we perfect, we are just human, and thus, very flawed. Our parents understand that, they know we loved them very much and still do, always will, and that we dream of a time when we will be together again. I am sure they can see us and feel us, but we can from this dimension, and even more so given how sad and stressed out we are right now. To connect with the spiritual world you need to be at peace with yourself.

I pray for God's forgiveness, for my mom's forgiveness, and for my peace of mind every single day. Sometimes I feel like dying from the pain that overwhelms me like the worst thing that I have ever experienced in my entire life. I feel like I am paying for any misdeeds every single day, such is my pain. I often feel like I would like to die just to join her, and I think of ways for it to happen. I know she would not want that, but such is the pain that I feel.

I am just devastated by the loss of the person that meant and means the world to me, my soulmate, my mom, my sister, my daughter, it is a if she were everything to me, and I'd give anything to be with her again, to have her back, anything.

I cry alone, of course, as I don't want to freak my husband out, or my friends, and when I cry I feel desperate, like there is no consolation in sight.

I know where you are coming from, I know how you feel my friend, I feel for you and for all of us on this forum. However, it is not your fault, it wasn't your fault or our fault. Life and death are not within our control, when somebody is meant to die, at any age, there is nothing we can do about it, nothing at all. If you check the papers, thousands if not hundreds of thousands of people die every day around the world, of all ages, babies, todlers, elderly people, teens, etc, etc, men and women, of illnesses of all sorts, accidents of all sorts, some of them absurd, like a building collapsing on somebody's car or a person falling in a frozen river in the UK and drawning, or a scarf getting caught up in a scalator and strangling the lady who was wearing it. Therefore, death is totally beyond our control.

I just wanted to say that, and also that I am here for you, as a friend, if you need to talk. You can email me directly if you want, or in this fashion. We need to help each other out on this forum, as only we know how terribly hard it is to survive the death of the most important people in our lives, our parents.

Warm regards,

Trish

February 16, 2014

Dearest Trish,

I don't even see a future for myself right now without my dad in it. I've never wanted to, I'd never even contemplated the thought that he could die one day until the moment he began to have trouble breathing. He even told me himself "I'm falling apart, big guy" but to die like that is just heartbreaking. Especially so suddenly, without any warning. I was never prepared for this and the pain is still so extreme, even 3 weeks in. Everything I do just feels so meaningless now that he's not here to share this house with me. I stick to this daily routine, the same routine I've always had, except this time he's not here with me so now it's a boring, lonely way to live.

I don't think that my dad ever knew that his death would utterly break me apart the way that it has. If he did, maybe he would have done something, anything, to at least live healthier. Quitting smoking was an impossible task for him though. Nothing anyone could say was going to change that. My dad is looking down at me right now and maybe now he sees just how much he means to me. I never showed him through my actions when he was alive, which I regret deeply.

I feel guilty for relying so much on him. I feel guilty for being old enough to be on my own, but still staying with him when he could have easily thrown me out. I feel guilty for not being old enough to not have a dad. I feel guilt for thinking I can't just go through the rest of my life without him around. I feel guilty because it feels like when he died, I died with him. I feel guilty because he wouldn't want my life to end the moment his did, he'd want my life to begin anew. I feel guilty that I did not tell him every single day how happy he made me feel just to be near him. I feel guilty for all the careless "I love yous" we would say to each other just before he went to bed. I feel guilty for every time I put on my headphones and did my own thing, when even though he was still in the same room with me, we were in our own separate worlds and we missed out on chances to just talk. I feel guilty for all the times I wasn't paying attention to him when he was telling me stories about his past, because now those stories are what I am going to need to hold onto to keep him alive in my heart. I feel guilty for being mean to him when he would have trouble with his computer and needed me to fix it. I feel guilty for not taking more time to clean out the backyard, which we had put off for so many years. I feel guilty for not wanting to make something of my life, because my dad was the one thing in my life I truly wanted and needed.

I've also been looking up near death experiences and stories people have told, which have given me some hop. I just want to try and reassure myself that there is indeed a way to contact our loved ones. Even if it is risky, it's a risk I am willing to take to be with him for just a few moments. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to see my father again, and if that means stopping my heart and being resuscitated then by all means, let me know the place and time.

I keep wanting to believe that it was my dad's time, but deep down I am so conflicted. He had so many problems going on with his health, but I thought he could get through anything. The first time one of his emphysema episodes began, I thought he was going to die right then and there because he could hardly breathe. I was so scared but then he was fine, so I figured the next time it happened it would be the same way. And it was, and again, and again... until the last time. And yet he kept right on smoking, not worrying about the consequences. He was going to get lung cancer, this much I know. It made me feel slightly relieved when they showed the scan of his lung at the hospital where a mass had grown within the last 6 months. I knew he did not have to go through that, which would have been equally painful for both of us.

All the crying I am doing isn't going to bring him back, I know that. All the crying in the world isn't going to change the fact that he's gone. I'm just torturing myself endlessly, but sometimes I just feel like I deserve to. Sometimes I feel like I did this to myself, I took my dad away from this world. Not on purpose, but through my own thoughtless decisions. I don't want to feel this way, it's horrible enough to not be with him as it is. I so desperately wished I could have saved my father. I know it was a long shot to begin with, but this guilt still continues. He was pretty much going to die or live the rest of his life disabled no matter what, but give me a disabled dad over a dead one any day. I would have taken care of him. I would have done anything for him.

I know nothing could have stopped the aneurysm from rupturing, it was bound to do so one day. And it just happened to be now. I am just so glad it didn't happen many years ago because I might not have ever gotten to know my father. If he wasn't around through these past 25 years, I am not sure I would even still be walking this planet today. He saved my life, both in the figurative and the literal sense. He saved me from choking on a piece of candy once. He saved me from myself when I didn't know what direction I was even headed. I can never thank him enough for all the sacrifices he made for me.

I want to be warm, I want to bask in the countless good memories he and I shared together, but for now this place just feels so cold without his presence. All of that goodness is still in there somewhere, but these dark thoughts mask it and make it difficult to rediscover. I hope that through this forum, and as many means as necessary we can find out how to make this darkness end.

Thank you for your kindness, Trish. I know it's hard to even feel anything other than despair at the moment, but the strength you have given me is helping me through this. I'm barely hanging on as it stands, but your words have helped me see that even though I am alone physically, there are many others out there that we can learn from and renew our hope from.

Dear Kirbiboh,

I find myself crying for no reason at all, day in and day out. I am so scared of a future without my mom, who, by the way, died two months ago, tomorrow will exactly be two months. I cannot believe it, sometimes I think it's all been a nightmare from which I will wake up all of a sudden. I cry when I think of all the wonderful times that we had. I cry when I see her pictures, and thus, I avoid them, as I cannot stand the pain.

I keep reading about near death experiences from people all over the world, people from all sorts of backgrounds, scientists, doctors, engineers, teachers, 'uneducated' people, etc, of all ages and nationalities, who anonymously publish their stories without seeking to profit from them in any shape or form, in order to maintain my sanity, my hope and faith in a reunion with the most important person in the world to me, my mom. I miss her more every day that goes by. I never thought that it was possible to feel so much pain that seems never ending.

I feel guilty about the times when I was too busy to travel to see her, even though she asked me all the time. I feel guilty about wishing that her pain would end as quickly as possible so that I could 'resume' my life. I feel guilty that I didn't arrive to the clinic very early every day, and that I didn't stay with her every night because I was jetlagged and most of all, because I was terrified, numb, in shock. I feel guilty that I didn't break down in front of her more often when I was at the clinic. I feel guilty that I didn't take her pain more seriously and find out more about possible causes on the Internet, because then, perhaps, she would have gotten a CT scan of her chest a lot earlier rather than two or three MRIs that did not detect anything. I feel guilty that I was upset with her because I did not know how hard her pain was, I did not believe her or understand her pain. I feel guilty for reprimanding her for not being her energetic and cheerful self. I feel guilty for giving away some of her things to my dad, things that mean a lot to me and that is why I gave them to him and nobody else. I feel guilty because I let my dad stay at my mom's house when she never wanted that because they loved each other very much and were each other's one true love but when they separated it was pretty acrimonious as their relationship was always volatile........

I feel super guilty, but then if I let myself be consumed by guilt, it will destroy me, and my mom doesn't want that for me, and neither does your dad. It was their time to die, and neither of us are trained medical doctors to have understood perfectly what was going on with them, nor are we perfect, we are just human, and thus, very flawed. Our parents understand that, they know we loved them very much and still do, always will, and that we dream of a time when we will be together again. I am sure they can see us and feel us, but we can from this dimension, and even more so given how sad and stressed out we are right now. To connect with the spiritual world you need to be at peace with yourself.

I pray for God's forgiveness, for my mom's forgiveness, and for my peace of mind every single day. Sometimes I feel like dying from the pain that overwhelms me like the worst thing that I have ever experienced in my entire life. I feel like I am paying for any misdeeds every single day, such is my pain. I often feel like I would like to die just to join her, and I think of ways for it to happen. I know she would not want that, but such is the pain that I feel.

I am just devastated by the loss of the person that meant and means the world to me, my soulmate, my mom, my sister, my daughter, it is a if she were everything to me, and I'd give anything to be with her again, to have her back, anything.

I cry alone, of course, as I don't want to freak my husband out, or my friends, and when I cry I feel desperate, like there is no consolation in sight.

I know where you are coming from, I know how you feel my friend, I feel for you and for all of us on this forum. However, it is not your fault, it wasn't your fault or our fault. Life and death are not within our control, when somebody is meant to die, at any age, there is nothing we can do about it, nothing at all. If you check the papers, thousands if not hundreds of thousands of people die every day around the world, of all ages, babies, todlers, elderly people, teens, etc, etc, men and women, of illnesses of all sorts, accidents of all sorts, some of them absurd, like a building collapsing on somebody's car or a person falling in a frozen river in the UK and drawning, or a scarf getting caught up in a scalator and strangling the lady who was wearing it. Therefore, death is totally beyond our control.

I just wanted to say that, and also that I am here for you, as a friend, if you need to talk. You can email me directly if you want, or in this fashion. We need to help each other out on this forum, as only we know how terribly hard it is to survive the death of the most important people in our lives, our parents.

Warm regards,

Trish

February 16, 2014

To my beloved WhereIsMyHome,

Guilt can really destroy a person, from the inside out. Trust me, I have felt the same way as you and it's a constant struggle. I really have done everything in my power to make it stop but those feelings come right back up again and again day after day. I keep telling myself "it wasn't your fault, it wasn't your fault" and sometimes I believe myself, other times, not so much. My mind returns to when my father was on the floor. I hate having to retell the story, I hate having to even think about it.

There were signs that this was going to happen to him both of us ignored them. There is something known as a "warning headaches" which begin to occur weeks or even months before the rupture of an aneurysm. He would begin to have terrible headaches, and kept saying that no amount of aspirin was making his headache go away. But, neither of us did anything about it. All I had to do was research it, and I am sure I could have found what the problem was. This was going to happen eventually, and yet maybe I could have gotten him to do something before it was too late.

The worst part of all of this is that I don't even know if my dad is doing okay ever since his death. I just need a message from him, anything to let me know he's alright. I am so scared for him. He passed out on the floor and then woke up in Heaven. He was probably like “What happened? Where am I?” and then he came to the brutal realization that he was dead, which has got to be scary on its own. When my dad died, I collapsed onto the floor of the hospital. The feeling was just unlike anything else. It was overwhelming. I wonder if he could see me as his soul left his body?

I was with my dad every waking moment of every day for as long as I can remember. I did the best I could to be worthy of being called his son, but still, it wasn't enough. I know he loves me, and he had to have known how much I love him. But the question remains, how do you give back to someone who gave you everything in your life? Everything he ever did was to benefit me and I feel like no amount of love can be enough to repay him. There has to be another way...

Hi Trish -

What you wrote made me cry. I know how you must feel because I now live riddled with guilt. I feel tremendous guilt for every little time I simply couldn’t leave work at that very moment, to take them to the store. My mom and dad often complained of not feeling well, and I tried to find a quick solution. Use this, take that, hoping to relieve their pain so I could just go and attend to my responsibilities, and this makes me feel like a bad person. When I couldn’t forego work and they needed me, I tried to find solutions, get others to help, when I knew they needed me and not someone else. I now live with guilt. I wish I’d been a multi-millionaire, so I could’ve quit working and simply have been there for mom and dad in their last days. Although I probably did the best I could, I don't believe it, and my heart tells me it wasn’t good enough, and so I suffer tremendous guilt.

The reality is that guilt is a part of grieving, no matter who you are, no matter what you did in life, and no matter how you handled situations in life. Grieving will come even about things that we had little or no control over, because we love them so much and our only cure is for them to be here again, and we even imagine that we were in some way the cause of their leaving. We can’t help not regretting not having been perfect, or ideal, or better, and because we couldn't be those things, we suffer pain.

If you had been able, financially and otherwise, to be with her more, you would’ve done so, but you weren’t able to, and you had a million responsibilities that didn’t give you the freedom to be perfect, and to be there for them in every way imaginable. You are only human, and as frail as a human can be, and you did the best you could, as a human being, with the situations you were handed. And yet I know that saying that will not relieve your guilt, or mine, because guilt is something that is part and parcel of grieving, and it hurts terribly.

February 16, 2014

Hi Kirbiboh -

After reading your post, I focused on this - “The worst part of all of this is that I don't even know if my dad is doing okay ever since his death.”

It dawned on me that you have the heart of a caregiver, Kirbiboh. You were a caregiver in your heart in the beginning, a caregiver in your heart in the end, and you even have the heart of a caregiver now that your dad crossed that thin veil to the other side. You worry: Is he okay? Is he suffering? Is he feeling better? What is he feeling? Can I do something? And you even wish you could do something to make sure that he is happy and feeling no pain now.

I think that caregivers take on the role of caregiver fully, 100%, and identify with that role, and that role doesn’t stop with death. I know I have. Caregivers problem-solve all day long, and when the caregiving proves futile (as it usually is) and gives way to death, it feels like failure, neglect, and even sin, and it’s painful.

Perhaps this might be of some interest. The other day, as I sat watching TV without any interest in the program whatsoever (I still don’t know what it was I had on), I asked myself this question: If I were a sickly mother or father, would I have wanted me, or someone like me, as my caregiver, or would I have wanted someone different? I surprised myself completely by thinking that I’d want only me as a caregiver. I think the reason for that is because all along, my heart was in the right place, and that’s what really matters in all this. Was your heart in the right place is the true question, not were you perfect, not did you have problems of your own that caused you to be a bit crazy, not did you make perfect decisions, but rather, were your intentions good. I know I was trustworthy, I know I was dependable (within my limitations), and I know without a doubt that I wanted nothing but the absolute best for them and would have given them more, if I'd have had more ability to give. Perhaps if you asked yourself if your dad would’ve wanted to have you around, or if he would have preferred to have someone else around, some questions might be answered for you that will shed light?

Thank you, as always, for your wonderful insights and for sharing what you are going through.

To my beloved WhereIsMyHome,

Guilt can really destroy a person, from the inside out. Trust me, I have felt the same way as you and it's a constant struggle. I really have done everything in my power to make it stop but those feelings come right back up again and again day after day. I keep telling myself "it wasn't your fault, it wasn't your fault" and sometimes I believe myself, other times, not so much. My mind returns to when my father was on the floor. I hate having to retell the story, I hate having to even think about it.

There were signs that this was going to happen to him both of us ignored them. There is something known as a "warning headaches" which begin to occur weeks or even months before the rupture of an aneurysm. He would begin to have terrible headaches, and kept saying that no amount of aspirin was making his headache go away. But, neither of us did anything about it. All I had to do was research it, and I am sure I could have found what the problem was. This was going to happen eventually, and yet maybe I could have gotten him to do something before it was too late.

The worst part of all of this is that I don't even know if my dad is doing okay ever since his death. I just need a message from him, anything to let me know he's alright. I am so scared for him. He passed out on the floor and then woke up in Heaven. He was probably like “What happened? Where am I?” and then he came to the brutal realization that he was dead, which has got to be scary on its own. When my dad died, I collapsed onto the floor of the hospital. The feeling was just unlike anything else. It was overwhelming. I wonder if he could see me as his soul left his body?

I was with my dad every waking moment of every day for as long as I can remember. I did the best I could to be worthy of being called his son, but still, it wasn't enough. I know he loves me, and he had to have known how much I love him. But the question remains, how do you give back to someone who gave you everything in your life? Everything he ever did was to benefit me and I feel like no amount of love can be enough to repay him. There has to be another way...

February 16, 2014

Hello WhereIsMyHome.

I never knew how passionate I could feel about something until my dad died. I've never even been that motivated to do anything, but now all I can do is try to help others deal with their losses while trying to get make sense of my own. The only thing I can focus on is trying to figure out how and why this happened to him. I know I will probably never know the truth about how much of a life he'd even have if he'd lived, but I need something to make me feel better about him being gone.

Every story I read that involves a survivor of a brain aneurysm being left as a shell of their former self actually makes me feel lucky in a sense that my dad didn't have to end up with the same fate. He would not have liked that, and I probably wouldn't have either. It would have only been for my benefit, just to continue having him in my life. In a way, maybe he is better off being without any pain. Leave me with all the pain. I'll take all of that pain he would have had for him.

If he had survived, I fully believe he would have wanted me to be there for him and take care of him. And I gladly would. He's been my caregiver for far longer than he needed to be. There were so many times when I just flat out asked him "why don't you just kick me out?" and he would always just say "I'm not gonna kick you out" and that would be that. End of conversation. He actually let me stay with him even when I felt like I did nothing but burden him. Maybe he just wanted the company, I don't know, but I'd like to think that he would never willingly choose for us to separate. He let me live with him, he fed me, he clothed me, he drove me anywhere I wanted to go. And he did it all because he loves me. After all he has done for me, it would be the least I could do to take care of him until it was time to say goodbye. I would have been honored, as depressing as it might be to see him in that state.

I never thought about it that way before, but maybe I do have a good heart after all. Your words really do make me think, WhereIsMyHome.

Hi Kirbiboh -
After reading your post, I focused on this - “The worst part of all of this is that I don't even know if my dad is doing okay ever since his death.”

It dawned on me that you have the heart of a caregiver, Kirbiboh. You were a caregiver in your heart in the beginning, a caregiver in your heart in the end, and you even have the heart of a caregiver now that your dad crossed that thin veil to the other side. You worry: Is he okay? Is he suffering? Is he feeling better? What is he feeling? Can I do something? And you even wish you could do something to make sure that he is happy and feeling no pain now.

I think that caregivers take on the role of caregiver fully, 100%, and identify with that role, and that role doesn’t stop with death. I know I have. Caregivers problem-solve all day long, and when the caregiving proves futile (as it usually is) and gives way to death, it feels like failure, neglect, and even sin, and it’s painful.

Perhaps this might be of some interest. The other day, as I sat watching TV without any interest in the program whatsoever (I still don’t know what it was I had on), I asked myself this question: If I were a sickly mother or father, would I have wanted me, or someone like me, as my caregiver, or would I have wanted someone different? I surprised myself completely by thinking that I’d want only me as a caregiver. I think the reason for that is because all along, my heart was in the right place, and that’s what really matters in all this. Was your heart in the right place is the true question, not were you perfect, not did you have problems of your own that caused you to be a bit crazy, not did you make perfect decisions, but rather, were your intentions good. I know I was trustworthy, I know I was dependable (within my limitations), and I know without a doubt that I wanted nothing but the absolute best for them and would have given them more, if I'd have had more ability to give. Perhaps if you asked yourself if your dad would’ve wanted to have you around, or if he would have preferred to have someone else around, some questions might be answered for you that will shed light?

Thank you, as always, for your wonderful insights and for sharing what you are going through.

February 17, 2014

Hello Kirbiboh and Whereismyhome,

WhereIsMyHome, thank you for reading my last post, even if it made you cry. I write a lot and often long messages, so I appreciate anybody's input and hearing about others' experiences and grieving process, particularly when I feel shattered, which seems to happen very often, and yesterday was an awful day, as I was anticipating today, the two month-'anniversary' of my mom's death.

I cannot believe I have survived without her for two months, that I have been able to continue living without hearing her beautiful sweet voice and looking at her beautiful green eyes, without hearing her comforting words and guiding thoughts!

Kirbiboh, as I said before, it never ceases to amaze me how thoughtful and sensitive you are and what a great insight you have on other people's suffering. I ready like reading your posts, they make me feel less lonely in my pain and suffering.

Anyhow, your words WhereIsMyHome resonated with me too, and made me reassess the sense of guilt that has not abandoned me since the nightmare started, meaning, when my mom was diagnosed and hospitalized, only two and a half weeks before she passed. Before that, I was convinced that she had various herniated discs on her lower back, and was thus not really conscious of the seriousness of the situation, or perhaps I was in denial, as it is not normal for somebody to feel so much pain in one of their legs when they are taking the proper pain killers.

Anyhow, I am reading this book called Proof of Heaven, A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife, and I am loving it, and strongly recommend it, as the doctor who wrote it is a reputed brain surgeon with years of work experience and research at places like Harvard, and prior to his NDE, really skeptical about the soul, the after life or the existence of God.

My mother in law gave it to me, and it is fantastic. It gives me lots of hope, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Anyway, as I said, I am not religious, but I want to believe that I will see my mom again, that there is something more than this bloody life that is so very hard at times that it is absolutely tragic and hopeless, and although I have always had a spiritual life and beliefs, they are ever more significant after losing my soul mate, my dearly beloved mom.

I mean, I still have my dad, and I am very grateful for it, but my relationship with my mom was unique, she was my go to girl always and forever, she was my shining light, my guiding force, my everything.

I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you both, and that your input means a lot to me, so please keep writing and communicating, because knowing that there are people like me out there, even if they live in other countries and continents, does help on a daily basis, because none of my friends, or my husband, really understand what it is like to lose a parent, as none of them have as yet lost them, but they will, of course, one day, just like everybody else. However, at this point in time I need to be in touch with people who are feeling the same way that I do, desperate, anxious, sad, angry, guilty, frustrated, numb, in shock, grief stricken.....

Warm regards to both,

Trish

February 17, 2014

My Dearest Trish,

The reason I believe I have so much insight on the suffering of others is because I have been suffering my entire life. I've never been a very social person, always the awkward kid in class. Never said more than what was absolutely necessary. I've mostly stuck to myself when given the chance. I was teased a lot in middle school and didn't have very many friends. Once I graduated from high school, I shut myself in from the outside world. It was always just my dad and I through it all from that moment on. I had no reason to step outside and venture anywhere when my dad was here by my side. My dad was the one person I could turn to no matter what. The one person who loved me and accepted me for who I am. And now that I am without him, I don't have the support that has kept me going on for all these years and my path is hazy.

My life has been a lot of suffering. At least I thought it was. I've never really known the meaning of true suffering was until I lost my dad. This is suffering in its purest form. My mom is still around and everything, but even she does not understand how much this loss has impacted me. It was him and I until the bitter end. That end was not supposed to be this soon.

My mom keeps telling me that "it was his time", yet I still don't believe that's true. Don't ever say that about my dad. He was the strongest man in the world to me and he was supposed to live and beat a brain aneurysm, beat cancer, beat all the years of smoking. The odds were not in his favor, but he was unstoppable to me. I know I am in denial that he was slowly killing himself day by day, but he was just too young to be dying right now. At age 62...one year older than when his brother died. 6 years older than when his own dad died. In hindsight, the family history is not very good when it comes to living long. But still, he was supposed to be the odd one out. I needed at least a good 5 to 10 more years with him, is that too much to ask for?

It can never be your parent's time to go. There isn't enough time. Even with another ten years, I would have needed more. Why does my father have to die when I get to continue living? It's not fair to him. I don't always feel bad for myself, I mostly feel so bad for him because he's the one who this happened to, not me. I could have died and he'd be upset but he could continue to live on without me. I can't live without him. If you can even call what this is "living". This isn't living anymore. None of this makes sense.

Also, in regards to that book, I have heard of it. I've looked up a lot of different ways to contact a deceased loved one. I've wanted definitive proof that there is a world beyond this one where I can be reunited with my father. There's a lot of conflicting answers to that, but I'm holding onto the hope that there is one. There has to be, I can't just accept that he's gone for good. I'll never allow that thought to cross my mind. I will continue to talk and write to him every day in hopes that my words may reach him somehow.

I've felt each one of the feelings you've described: desperate, anxious, sad, angry, guilty, frustrated, numb, in shock, grief stricken.

Desperate, I don't know what to do without my dad.

Anxious, wondering when will this pain stop so I can actually do anything half way normal again.

Sad, I miss him more each day and I tell him that constantly.

Angry, why this could happen to him, the nicest man I've ever known.

Guilty, he needed me and I let him down, I know he didn't stand much of a chance of ever being happy again, but I wanted him to at least be alive for my own selfish benefit.

Frustrated, he just left me like this without even a fair warning. I needed time to prepare.

Numb, trying to block out all of these thoughts of his death by burying my head under a pillow or blasting music into my ears.

In shock, basically the entire time I sat in the hospital by his bed and waited for the comfort care to begin I was wide eyed and open mouthed, I couldn't believe this was happening.

Grief stricken, this is a terrible existence in which I never thought I'd have to be part of, one without my dad.

I know that we are all going to lose the ones we love eventually, and in a way, getting to experience it first hand has helped me open up to others in way I never thought possible. As I said before, I've never really been a "people person" and this forum has provided me an outlet to give back to my dad. He helped me so much over his lifetime. He saved my life countless times. The least I can do is attempt to help others in that same way.

I want to thank you, Trish. The nice thoughts you have for both I and WhereIsMyHome are motivation to keep on trying to help others in any way I can. This process is so difficult and I don't think I could go through it alone. Your support has helped me so much more than you know.

February 18, 2014

My dearest Kirbiboh,

I am pretty sure your dad was, is and will always be very proud of you and who you are, a compassionate, mature and down to earth human being, a loving son and a decent human being all round. Be sure that he is with you, even if you cannot see him.

I know it is hard for us humans to have faith, specially in the face of true adversity, when we are used to touching, smelling, feeling, seeing and hearing things, that's how we relate to the physical and material world we live in. However, love is not something that can be quantified or a material thing, or even a scientific thing, it is beyond the pure realm of this world, for it continues forever, even after our loved one dies. Love never dies, it is linked to our soul, to who we are, to our essence, and if it doesn't die, why should our soul die? We have got to believe, as I refuse to think that my mom is not around me, in a happier place, in a different dimension yet still linked to me forever and ever, until my journey leads me to that same place and back to her, and that will happen eventually, no matter what, to each and everyone of us. I long for that day, and I am no longer afraid of dying.

I am afraid of how I am going to die, particularly, if from a long illness, that scares me, as physical pain is also mental pain, and can lead to truly degrading circumstances, but I have no fear whatsoever about the actual transition to a much better place where I long to see my mom once more, talk to her and hear her beautiful voice once again, and never again be away from one another.

What I value about that book that I am reading is the fact that the person who wrote it is a scientist, a reputed medical doctor, whose prestige is on the line, and who prior to his NDE was skeptical about the soul, the after life and God, due to his scientific training and practice.

Furthermore, there is a scientific organization that studies NDEs from annonymous people from all over the world, from diverse ages and backgrounds, and it pleases me to hear about how peaceful they have all felt when they died, and how it was never a dream, as they are able to recall the sensations and details after many years, even though they all coincide that it is hard to explain them to people who have never experienced them.

Not everybody that is deprived of oxygen suffers an NDE, if that was the case, it would be the norm to have them, and so, I believe that they go beyond purely physical functions.

Anyway.........I believe. Your dad and my mom's spirit are alive and well, and looking after us even if we cannot see them.

You know, on Sunday I was so sad and crying and my mom in law's pups were with me, and one of them is usually pretty aloof, more worried about food and guarding the house than anything, and she came to me in a way that I had never seen her before, to comfort me and console me, and the same for the boy, they heard me cry and came to try to show me their love. I see my mom in all these signs, I see her there looking after me and telling me that she is still with me, regardless of all my flaws and shortcomings, now and in the past......

My friend, you will find your way again, your dad will guide you, and so will God. You are still very young and have a lot to give and do. You sound like a very articulate and intelligent person, and thus, you just need to find your passion and follow through with it. Anybody would be lucky to meet somebody like you, your friendship would bring them a lot of good and happiness.

Forget about those high school and middle school experiences, you are above and beyond those years and the stupid, cruel and childish behaviour of your peers at the time. Now you can be yourself and thrive without feeling ashamed of your personality traits. You are unique and have lots of positive stuff to give, you just need to find your passion.

I know it is easily said than done, but you would not have survived three weeks already if it wasn't for your inner strength and your dad's love.

My friend, I cry every day, I talk to my mom every day, and I want to write a diary so that I can remember every detail of this process and about my mom. I don't want to forget anything, particularly, of course, about her, her personality, her way of thinking, her jokes.......But it is really hard. I am very sad at times, especially every morning, that's when I feel the worst, before going to work, that's when sadness overwhelms me. I guess, what I am trying to say is that it is really hard for me, just as it is for you.

But, I am here my friend, I hear you, I will continue to listen to you. Please continue to express your thoughts, they mean the world to me.

Warm regards,

Trish

February 18, 2014

Hello everyone,

Although I do not write everyday (especially on the weekends), I do read every word you all write.

I do take comfort in your words because I realize that I am not alone nor am I going crazy in my thoughts. I thank you all for sharing in this horrific journey that we all are on.

It has been two months today since I found my Mom. The pain is unbearable at times and no one in my life understands. They try, they support me and love me, but no one gets it. You all do.

I feel like I am living in a fog, a dark fog, a darkness has set in and I dont know how to live my life or plan my future anymore. My Mom was such a part of every aspect of my life, my day, my thoughts, my decisions. I don't know how I am supposed to do this.

I am going to counseling both and church and a professional therapist. I am hoping this will help. Sometimes I am afraid of getting better though. The idea of being happy, moving forward, feeling joy, seems wrong and makes me scared I will forget her, even though I know I never could. I dont want to miss her less, ever, because I dont think I could, but will healing do that to me?

I need her. I need her advice. Even at 42 I asked my Mom's input on everything. Now I have to decide for me and I dont like it one bit. There were things we hadnt finished talking through and now I dont know what to do.

I got through the day yesterday for the first time without taking any medication (xanax). This morning I had to though.

You guys have been talking about contacting your loved ones. Well I am going to share something, and perhaps you will think I am nuts or maybe even get a slight chuckle. I have been watching "Long Island Medium" on Netflix and it brings me so much comfort! Ridiculous? Maybe but its true. I live in FL and if she lived closer I would go to her! Ironically she is on tour and will be 2 1/2 hours from me, but that would be in a huge auditorium full of people. Anyway, if you are able check it out, I promise you wont be disappointed. Anyway, there is a local medium in town, she is actually rather well known and I am considering it. I think my Mom would think I am nuts, but perhaps if I just had some contact....I dont know.

Well, I better get back to work. I just wanted you all to know how much I appreciate reading your posts! Lets keep this going, lets lean on each other. Maybe in a year or so, we will all have some small thing to smile about like how proud our parents are of us for surviving.

love and blessings to you guys,

Jil;l

February 18, 2014

Trish,

I know that my dad loves me so much, and I know he knows I feel the same way. I just wish that I had made my feelings for him known so much more when I had the chance. I didn't know I was even capable of love until he was gone. No amount of simple “I love yous” before bed every night could actually capture how I feel for him. No amount of hugs, though we rarely hugged anymore because I thought I was growing into a mature adult. I was wrong. I need my dad more than I need anything. I'm still a little kid trapped in a growing man's body. I need my protector, my savior to make everything all better. He could always make everything better. I can't continue this way. I'm not as strong as him, I can never be as strong as him.

I too am no longer afraid of dying. In fact, I say bring it on. The sooner the better. I know that I most likely will end up dying the same way my father did, due to the whole genetics bit of it, and I would gladly accept an inevitable death if it means I will be with him once more. I feel as though my sole purpose of being put on this planet was to be his best friend. I accomplished that to the best of my abilities, and now that it's over with, my purpose in life is no where to be found. I want to have another purpose, but just going day to day to try and find that purpose doesn't feel worth it at times.

I want to have an NDE. I want to see my life flash before my eyes because maybe then I can recall some of the incredible memories that my dad and I shared which are being clouded by all the negativity. I need some positivity in my life right now, and I need it desperately. I want to nearly die. I don't want to die, but just close to it. If I died, I'm certain my dad would be more mad with me than he could ever be. He'd never forgive me and I'd never forgive myself.

I need to see my dad. I need his reassurance. I need him to tell me it wasn't my fault, it was every wrong decision he made in his life. I need him to tell me I can do this on my own even when I feel like that's not going to be possible. I need him to let me know he still cares. I need him to continue to love me because I'll never stop loving him. Love is eternal, as you said. I want his soul and his love to surround me every single day.

My dad and I have a weenie dog named Toby. He is soft with all brown fur. He was my dad's other best friend, and they were always together. My dad always sat in his chair and Toby would always get up on his hind legs and want to be picked up. They were inseparable much like him and I. My dad would be on the left side and Toby would scrunch up to him on the right. Every time my dad would go outside to have a cigarette, which was often, Toby would move over to the left side and my dad would come back in and he wouldn't be able to sit down. “Toby, move over, Toby, move over” he would repeat, to no avail. “Okay... I'm going to sit on you” he'd say and Toby didn't even mind because he wanted to be close to my dad. Ever since my dad died, he won't even jump up into his chair anymore. He knows something is horribly off now. He misses my dad just as much as I do.

It's really hard. I want to find my passion in life, but it feels like when my dad died, so did I. A part of me is missing and I can never get it back. I want to be that intelligent, articulate person that you see in me. I want to make a difference and help others in the way that my dad helped me. He might not have made much of a difference to even a single other person, but he made all the difference to me. He saved me from myself. I can't let his memory fade away. I won't allow his death be as senseless as it feels. I can't let all he has done for me be for nothing by giving up on myself and continuing to be a shadow of my former self.

My beautiful friend, Trish. I want you to know that you along with everyone else here has kept me from losing my sanity. I cry every day, too. I keep telling myself that my dad wasn't supposed to die. He was supposed to survive this, survive everything. But sometimes it really is out of anyone's hands, and I understand that. It's so hard to accept it, though. He died and no amount of crying will bring him back, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to cry.

It was terrible what happened to our parents, I know, but they are only gone in physical form, not gone completely. I refuse to let my dad just be gone. He guided me my entire life, and all of that guidance is what I am holding onto to keep what little strength I have left.

Thank you for continuing to read all of these jumbled thoughts and emotions I have spinning around in my head.

Trish, you are a wonderful person.

Kirbiboh

February 18, 2014

Jillbus,

I am so glad you can see that even if no one else around you is going through what you are, we are. No one can quite understand how it feels to lose a parent until it happens to them. I wish it never had to happen to anyone, but it has to and is going to eventually.

I keep telling my mom that she doesn't understand, because she doesn't. Not really. It was my dad who died, not hers. Even though her dad died almost 20 years ago, the connection they had could never be the same as what my dad and I have. Each and every bond is unique, and I take pride in what I have with my dad. She says the pain is still there for her too after all these years. She says it won't go away, it will only be lessened through the years. And that worries me.

I wish I could just skip ahead a few years so this pain can cease. I even went as far as to look up cryogenic sleep. I wanted to be somehow frozen solid and kept alive in hibernation to awaken years into the future, that's how badly I want this pain to stop. But that's not going to happen either, and even if I wanted to, the technology is not developed enough to be able to do it. At least I don't think so, anyways.

My dad was my future, much like your mom was yours, Jill. I had never foreseen a future where my dad wasn't around. I never wanted to look that far ahead, but then it happened so suddenly and everything changed. It wasn't supposed to happen this soon. It's too soon...

I haven't taken any medication, but I feel like I need to. I don't want drugs to cloud my thoughts but there are so many clouds looming in my mind already which won't go away. Just talking about things can only go so far for me, I feel. I want to see a counselor, but I am too afraid. I am afraid of what I might discover about myself and just how desperately I relied on my dad. And that worries me too.

Also, I know exactly what you mean about the whole guilt behind being happy. If I am happy, what good is it when my dad can't share that same feeling with me? I know I won't forget him, I can't forget him. He's been here my whole life, the next half of my life feels so far away now.

Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me by taking away my dad. I don't know what I did to deserve this because he certainly did not deserve to die. He deserved to live a long life, but many obstacles got in the way from that. Then I start thinking about how much better off he must be doing away from this miserable place, and I am happy for him. I am the one left to suffer walking this world without him, while he is surrounded by so many people he's longed to see for so long, which makes the suffering worth it to me.

If this is supposed to be some way of making me into a better person, I don't know if it's working or not, but it has really broken me down and the person I am turning into is not the same as who I was before. I don't know who I am anymore. I keep wanting to help others, and that isn't like me at all. I actually have always went out of my way to avoid as much human contact as possible. I keep wanting to do good in my life to honor my dad, and that sounds like something only he would do.

I know I shouldn't blame myself. I don't want to blame myself. I want to blame the cigarettes from years of smoking cigarettes. I want to blame the high blood pressure from years of unhealthy eating. I want to blame the aneurysm which no one could have saw coming. I want to blame every unwise decision my father made in his life that led him to this early death. But instead, I blame me. I am supposed to protect him in the same way he did for me, and I failed him in doing so.

I suck. I need a medium or something just to talk to my dad. I only have a few questions I need answered, that's it. That's all I need. Ridiculous or not, it would make me feel a lot better if I can just know how he is, what he's doing, and if he still loves me.

I need to be loved, Jill.

Kirbiboh

February 19, 2014

Kirbiboh,

You have such a big heart. It shows in your words about your dad and it shows in the way you write to people on here. For someone who claims to be socially awkward, I must disagree completely. Perhaps you feel you are in person and the computer makes it easier. You really should go to a support group. You have so many wonderful things to say and would benefit from being around others who understand what you are going through, and it would get you out amongst people. I believe your dad would want that. Who am I to tell you what to do right? I just think you have so much to offer the world. You deserve to be loved. You are definitely loved by those you speak to on here.

As far as medication goes, I was always against it. But when my time came to need it, I realized the value of it and I know it wont be forever. It does make a difference. It doesnt fix my broken heart, but it allows me to get through things and deal with things that must be done.

This is all just sucks, no other way to say it.

sad, sad, sad

February 19, 2014

Jillbus,

There were only two places where I have ever felt like I could speak my mind without fear of being ridiculed or looked at funny, and those were with my dad or through a keyboard. Now I only have one place to turn to so this my outlet to get my feelings out there. I wish that wasn't the case but it's always been like that for me. I don't know what my problem is and I want to change, but I am afraid of what I will become. I'm already looking at life a lot differently since my dad died.

My dad would want me to do what makes me feel comfortable, and being around other people isn't comfortable to me. I want to be loved. I want to feel comfortable. I want to find a girl and fall in love and all of that, but what use would that be when my dad won't be here to see it? I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore because I miss him so terribly. Maybe one day I will make a change, but not today. He wants me happy, but he was the one person who I could always be happy around. Other people... not so much. Too much uncertainty.

My time for medication seems to be right now. I hold so much guilt for what happened to him even now. I don't want to, but when you have been around a person for your entire life and they suddenly die without you being able to stop it, you want to blame someone. I am supposed to blame a freak occurrence in his brain that I could never have predicted, but I am just so sad that it happened to him. He died. He's gone, and for what? No reason.

I love him so much and this is the last thing that should ever have happened to him. But it did. It sucks and I want to believe he was destined to die that day no matter what, but I can't accept it. I wanted to save him.

sucks, sucks, sucks

sad, sad, sad

love, love, love

February 19, 2014

Kirbiboh

Im so sorry, I shouldn't have sounded so pushy that you should just jump out of your comfort zone and go out and join a support group. You are just such a nice and loving guy that there are people who are missing out on getting to know you. However, the last thing you need right now is to go even further out of your comfort zone. I totally understand that.

It is hard enough surviving without the greatest love of our lives.

Its just always going to be hard. Maybe one day a little less, I dont know...

February 19, 2014

Jillbus

It's alright. You didn't sound pushy at all. It was a good suggestion, just not one I can see myself doing right now. I understand you are concerned for me and it's so kind of you to want to look out for me. Even though I'm just a stranger on the internet I feel like we are connected in more ways than one. I want the same for you, I want to be able to help you in any way I can so you can begin to heal. For me it's a constant tug of war between the sadness and just wanting to be numb and not feel anything at all. I just want it stop some day. One day.

Thank you for wanting to help me and I know our parents would be so proud of us for putting ourselves out there and doing our best to help others. I want to find help in making sense of all of this just as much as I want the same for everyone who is going through the same kind of thing. No one should have to live the rest of their life feeling miserable. It has to stop... some day. One day.

thank you, thank you, thank you

February 23, 2014

Thank you for posting back and forth. Between divorce and my mothers death I have benefited from seeing you encourage one another and have not wanted to interrupt. Life changes and dismay are coming hard and fast and it is comforting to know I am not alone in these struggles though I wouldn't want anyone else to have such things to bear, but this is life.

February 24, 2014

I am reading a book that I think everyone needs to read. I cannot recommend it enough.

http://www.amazon.com/On-Life-after-Death-revised/dp/1587613182

PLEASE check it out.

I cannot believe in the course of a couple of days the feelings it evoked in me.

March 2, 2014

Dear Jill and Travis (aka Kirbiboh),

How are you doing these days? How are you both feeling? I have better days and terrible ones too. I think of my mom and miss her every day, and I would give anything to be able to hear her voice, have her wisdom and love with me, physically, again. Sometimes I feel like dying inside, like life is completely pointless now.........Sometimes I have the certainty that she is with me though in a different dimension. Sometimes I am terribly alone, although surrounded by people, some of them truly loving and caring, though imperfect, of course, because they are first of all human and they are not my mom, who was and is the person who loved me and loves me the most.

Jill, thank you so very much for your recommendations. I have checked and enjoy Long Island Medium, and will get that book from Amazon.

We have got to believe, we have got to stick together and try to help each other out, for only we understand what we are going through right now, the unbearable and unbelievable pain that we've felt.

I don't write every day, but I read every day, and the words of everybody on this forum are of great comfort to me.

Warm regards,

Trish

March 2, 2014

Dear Trish91,

How am I doing? That is indeed a question. I've had okay days, I wouldn't necessarily call them “better”, but they are relatively fine, and then terrible ones too. The terrible ones outweigh the so-so ones by a large margin still, though.

Sometimes I too feel like dying, like my body is eating itself from the inside out. My heart hurts just from the thought of my dad. I don't want to think about him, but I don't want to not think about him. Sometimes I look at my dad's chair where he would always be sitting and I can still picture him there. I can still see him, maybe even feel him. But then I come back to this awful reality and it's just nothingness. My whole life is covered in nothingness. I'm stuck in an empty house with no reason to leave, and no reason to stay.

I am alone, all the time. I am not surrounded by people, nor did I ever want to be, until now. The only person I wanted to be surrounded by is my dad. I've always been that way, and I don't feel like it is going to change without a lot of work. I have made an effort though, as I have never done in the past, to try and actually seek out a connection with others. I have never been a “people person” as they say, and I figured my dad would always be here with me. He was also the same way, he only said what he felt was necessary to say... except with me. We could talk about anything in the world and I was comfortable with him. I'm not so comfortable when it comes to talking to other people.

I want to believe that things can get better. All hope is not lost, even if it seems like that's far from the case. By banding together, we may be able to navigate this thing called "life". I too have not posted much in the last few days, I have mostly been in the chatroom, but rest assured, I read every new post no matter what they relate to.

I shouldn't even be here in the first place. Little did I know this would happen so suddenly and force my entire life to change all at once. I had devoted all of my time to one single other person. All of my happiness radiated from one single other person. And they died. So now what I am left with is nothing at all. I have to be self-sufficient for the first time in my life. I can't have someone holding my hand every step of the way anymore. I have to go out and search for my own path in life.

I'll do it... tomorrow.

A soft hug

Kirbiboh/Travis

March 3, 2014

Hey Everyone,

I thought I would check in.

Trish I am glad you caught that TV show, it really does help me a lot.

I hope you get that book as well. I think I am going to re read it. It was that

good.

I can't believe I have survived for over 2 months without the most important person in

my life. I am able to get through my days, but I have times where I just lose it. I dont go

a moment without missing her and wondering why the center of my existence is no longer with me.

People tell me I look good. It makes me feel bad and wrong to hear that. Although I know it makes my Mom happy. I am trying to develop the attitude that everything good and positive that I am doing to

move forward it is for and because of her.

I still have a lot to do, things with her house, her car etc. I am doing my best and taking it a day at a time. I have a tough time coming up. This Thursday wouldve been my dad's birthday and the following Thursday is mine. I want to sleep it all away. If I have to celebrate my birthday, I want to celebrate my Mom for giving me life that day, not about me.

Travis, you struck a chord in me with these words:
" Little did I know this would happen so suddenly and force my entire life to change all at once. I had devoted all of my time to one single other person. All of my happiness radiated from one single other person. And they died. So now what I am left with is nothing at all. I have to be self-sufficient for the first time in my life. I can't have someone holding my hand every step of the way anymore. I have to go out and search for my own path in life."

I have a beautiful partner and step children, two wonderful brothers and countless loving and supportive friends, but I feel like all of my happiness and strength radiated from one single person as well and I just die inside thinking that I must spend the rest of my days without her physically here.

We can only do what we can do I suppose, but we must live for the moment that we will have that beautiful reunion!

love and blessings to you my friends, thank you for listening...

-Jill

March 11, 2014

Hi Jill and Travis,

How are you doing? How did last week go for both of you?

Travis, your puppy looks adorable, I love your profile pic!

What type of pup is it exactly? Do you reckon he misses your dad terribly? Some puppies are very sensitive. However, I am sure they can adjust to anything much more easily than any human being.

How lucky they are, in fact, for they don't have the memories that we enjoy so much, but which also make us suffer so much. As long as they have somebody to love, feed and walk them, they can move on.

I have some terrible days every week, and some terrible moments each day, and every day I wake up with the awful realisation that my mom is gone from this realm that we live in. Sometimes I dream of her a few days in a row, sometimes I don't for days. But I talk to her every morning and every night and during the day. I often pray to God and talk to her, in parallel. It may sound weird, but that's how it is. She now is in the same dimension as the Allmighty, so why not do it like that?

I wish I could write to her too, if I had the energy, but often I don't, although I've heard that it is great therapy, and a fantastic record for future times, to never ever forget anything about your loved one.

I have thought about writing some sort of memoirs, for myself only, so that I can include my mom in them. She'd be a fundamental component, and the main drive for me to write something like it.

I miss her so much every single day, all the time. I cannot believe that she was alive and well a year ago, six months ago, and even four months ago, and now she is no longer in the physical world.

Most of all, I cannot understand how somebody who was super fit, never smoked in her life, not even passively, had a super healthy weight and eating habits, and went to the doctor regularly, could get lung cancer at the age of 67, while her oldest sister, who is 74 and has no kids, is still alive and kicking, and another of her sisters, who's is anorexic and bulimic, doesn't have any kids and smoked 30 cigarettes daily for 30 years, hasn't been sick a single day in her life!

Why did my mom have to die leaving me here without her guiding and loving presence? I live for the day when we will be reunited once more, and never be apart again.

It will be three months since she passed next Monday, it's unbelievable, it hasn't still sunk in.

I know I need to also find some therapist or attend group therapy, but it's not easy here. I don't live in a large city with a pool of options to choose from. Of course, it's not impossible, but I just haven't had the motivation so far, although I'm sure it'd really help.

Jill, do you think it's best to attend group therapy or go for one on one therapy instead? Do you think that somebody who perhaps hasn't lost a loved one can really help? How can they sympathise if they've never been through such tragedy?

Anyway guys, thanks for listening, I am really sorry to ramble like that, it's just, sometimes I need an outlet away from my husband, family and friends. This is the only place where I truly feel that people understand exactly what I am going through.

Warm regards, and God bless,

Trish

March 11, 2014

Hi Trish,

I am...getting by. I thought I was starting to do "slightly" better. Then I sort of went into a tailspin. The last few days have been terrible. I cry so much. I miss my Mom so bad I cannot stand it. Sometimes I don't think I will live until the next moment. I am about 11 days shy of 3 months. I haven't been without my Mom this long, well I don't think ever. I hate this life without my Mom, I really do. I know she only wants me happy and I try to respect what I know she wants for me, it's just so very hard.

I am going to a therapist. In fact I go today, it will be my third visit. I do like the therapist. I do feel like she "gets" me. She is very non-judgemental. I am hoping to get some coping techniques. I think I like it better than how a group would be. I think its because she is totally focused on me and my personal issues. I like coming here for "group therapy" and having the understanding of others.

I am also seeing a pastor at my church is works with a group for the church who help people with unexpected grief. I like that too, but she mainly listens while I talk. Sometimes I dont want to talk anymore. I want someone to lead me out of this. I have learned though that there is no way around this grief, we must go through it and hope we come out on the other side.

Trish, like you I just live for the day that I will get to the other side where I know my Mom will be waiting with open arms, beside my dad who will be waiting as well.

I am struggling with feeling so alone. Even though I have a lot of people around me supporting me and loving me. I am just lost without my Mom...just alone. It makes me sad and then people around me think I am not fair to them because I am in actuality not alone. Its maddening. I just feel like nothing without my Mom.

On top of it all, dealing with the "business" end of things is so hard too. Selling my Mom's car (even though it was my nephew who bought it which I know thrilled my Mom), selling our beloved camp in the mountains where my Mom and would fish together and we have so many family memories (a lifetime!), its all alot to deal with! I am still working on cleaning out her house, and that sucks!

Ok, I am gonna stop there because now I am just dumping...

I pray peaceful blessings on you all!

-Jill

March 11, 2014

Dear Jill and Trish,

It's so weird, but today I have not cried much at all except for this morning. It seems that I am crying less and less every day, but the pain is still there as it always is. Sometimes I just break down when I subject myself to looking at a picture of my dad, but other than that, I mostly don't think about it too much because I'm fearful of said breaking down. But then I want to break down, so that I can somehow be doing "enough" to appreciate him for all he has ever done for me. It's a catch-22 situation. Either I cry, or I don't cry and want to cry. So there's pretty much always going to be crying involved.

Basically my life now is, like you have said Jill, a long waiting game and I don't know when the waiting will stop. I just keep doing what I have always done, except this time I'm dadless and the things that brought me enjoyment don't seem to do much for me anymore. I've always wanted to keep living a simple lifestyle, away from the "hustle and bustle" of the outside world. My dad would spend mostly every day reading news articles, a lot of them involving all the terrible things going on out there, and not just in our country, but the world in general. It made me feel safe and secure when I was with him. It's a great big world out there, and I know I have to step out into it eventually, but I just don't know when I will feel comfortable enough to do so.

Also, I must say this: Jill, never for one minute should you think you need to stop expressing how you feel on this forum. As you may know, a lot of people here are reading what we are talking about and aren't actually replying to it. It's helping people in so many ways, many more than we could ever deem possible. There's a lot of people who are just as down in the dumps as we are and maybe they just don't know what to say to express themselves clearly. Also maybe some of them have no keyboarding skills at all whatsoever, which I sort of pride myself in the fact that I have. Computers are the best! I mean, they are okay and all.

I have been writing to my dad every single day in a Word document. I try to write at least a page a day now. I used to only write a few lines a day, but then I realized how much more my dad deserves than that. I started 14 days after he died, and it is now day 45. Those first two weeks still remain a mystery to me. I can't remember much of it at all, which is why I began writing so I don't forget anything. If I recall any special memories I have of us together, I write it down so I can look back on it one day and not miss out on any of the life we shared together.

My profile picture is of my dad petting my dog, Toby. It's the only picture I have where they are both in it together. My dad never liked getting his picture taken, but luckily I managed to get this one. I figured since they are the two most important people in my life I should honor both of them by featuring them in my little picture. He is wearing a red bandana because I guess when my mom would get him groomed the lady would always give him a bandana to wear afterwards. I don't really know much about it because I never asked. Also he is a lot skinnier in this picture than he is now.

The type of pup I have is a short haired dachshund. He actually belonged to my mom but then she was unable to take care for him for quite some time so we decided to take him in and she eventually just told us to keep him because he had gotten so used to being in doors. My mom's house has a lot of area for him to run around, she has like 10 acres of land but here is the exact opposite. He doesn't get much exercise and mostly just lays in bed with me now keeping me warm. I only take him out when he needs to go potty and there's no closed off area for him to run around here. He is getting fat, much like myself!

My weenie dog misses my dad. He may not fully understand that he's not coming back here, but he does think something is off. He would always sit in my dad's chair next to him. When he wasn't next to him, he'd be standing on his hind legs begging to be picked up to get up there with him. Every single time my dad would go outside for a cigarette, he'd come back in and find Toby had jumped up on his chair anyways. Toby would be laying in a way that my dad wouldn't be able to sit back down and he'd always tell him to move over, but he hardly ever world. He'd have to push him over to the side or else he'd be crushed... even though he didn't seem to mind being crushed either! Ever since my dad died, Toby has not even tried to jump up in his chair at all, he in fact avoids the chair all together. I too happen to want to avoid the chair, since there are too many memories of my dad being in it. I avoid that entire room in general now, hence the whole wanting to stay in my room forever thing.

Trish, I can understand what you mean about how this happened to your mom when she seemed healthy and fit. Though my dad was not as healthy, I still never expected he would die so suddenly. I figured if he were to go out, it would be be from the cigarettes alone, not something completely undetectable. Each story I hear on here about someone else's loving parent outliving my own sort of makes me jealous and mad because I did not get those extra years that I so desperately wanted to have with him. I am too young to not have a dad anymore, but I'm too old to not be so thankful for all the time that I did in fact get with him.

I will never forget my dad, and I will keep striving to find ways to keep both his memory and his honor alive by continuing to help those who need it to heal. I know that I have always been a selfish person, but this loss has changed me in a lot of ways, maybe even some for the better. I can't just worry about me anymore. There are many people suffering and they need a helping hand and I wish to be that hand.

-Kirbiboh

March 16, 2014

Dear Kirbiboh and Jillbus,

I really look forward to your posts, they bring me solace in the midst of my incredible sadness. Today has been a particularly hard day, I have cried a lot, prayed a lot too, and felt unbearable sadness and hopelessness. I miss my mom more than words can say, immensely, terribly. It is so incredibly painful at times. Some days I feel more 'normal', feel stronger, feel somewhat OK, but others I totally break down, feel desperate, incredibly sad and lonely even though I am surrounded by some wonderful people.

Crying does help though, praying does too, immensely, as do readying posts here and talking to people here. That way, I don't feel so alone, so desperate, so anxious and impotent because I cannot fix this, because the only solution to this pain would be my own death. It is so unbearable at times. I don't know how to live anymore, I feel terribly sad all of a sudden, and nothing brings me joy, not like before.

Everything seems so insignificant and pointless without my mom. She was my drive, my motivation, my biggest ally, my everything. I used to tell her every single detail of my life, every day pretty much, we could talk for hours on end about anything and everything, we laughed, cried and got angry together, we always made peace after a few minutes, we were happy just to know that we were both in this world and here for one another.

Now I feel like my soul is missing, my life is gone, my happiness vanished, my reason to live doesn't exist anymore.......

I was full of life like my mom always was, and now I am somehow dead inside, part of me died with her, and will not be the same ever again, only when we get together once more and nothing can ever break us apart.

Tomorrow will be three months since I last saw my mom's beautiful eyes and herd her incredibly sweet voice. Three months since I last kissed her, hugged her and told her that I loved her. I love her, and I will love her forever, and I cannot wait for that day when we are together again, at the same level, in the same dimension.

Right now, I know she's with me somehow, but my brain cannot feel her or see her. I'm still here, completely alone without her, and suffering her absence every single second of every single day! In the book that I am ready, and which I mentioned before, the writer says that the part of our brain that allows us to reason also prevents us from seeing the other side, so I hate my brain for it now brings me sorrow more than joy and doesn't allow me to truly connect with God and my mom.

I'd give anything to feel her presence................

Jill and Travis, I know what you are going through, I feel for you, I accompany and hug you from afar, from the cyber world, and I feel your pain, I truly do, I feel it through the incredibly pain that I am feeling right now, and which overwhelms me completely some days. It is a darkness that I would not wish to my worst enemy. It is all consuming, it is a bottomless abyss of anguish, sorrow, nostalgia, fear and nothingness. It is a living nightmare. Hell truly exists, here on earth. Sometimes I feel I must be paying for something really terrible that I did, for this sadness is incredibly hard to overcome. It has come to define me, and taken the happy person who I used to be really far away, to place where I can no longer find her or get access to.

Animals, pets, do help, my mother in law's are true sweetheart. My mom loved them too, they made her smile and laugh as well. They are one of the few things that make me smile and happy nowadays. My mom loved nature, and taught my brother and I to love it too. My lovely sweet wonderful mom, my soulmate, my heart, my life, she was so strong, so positive, so generous, thoughtful, sweet, caring and loving, and I am not even 2 percent the great woman that she was. I am a pale reflection of who she was. I don't have her strength, or else, I would be taking this better than I am.

Travis, your adorable pup, Toby, what a cute name by the way, knows that your dad is not physically here anymore, but it's possible he senses him, his soul, his energy, which is why he now respects the armchair that he so loved. It's a beautiful thing, a demonstration of love for your dad.

Our parents were taken far too soon from us Jill and Travis, and I wish I could have gone with my mom, or that I had gone instead of her and saved her all that pain and suffering that she had. Although, she would not have been able to live if one of her kids had outlived her, so I am talking nonsense.

In any case Jill, take your time to deal with all material things. I had to organize my mom's apartment in two months, sell it and most of its contents, give stuff away to a great foundation, take quite a few things with me, share stuff with my dad and my mom's many brothers and sisters (9 in total), when I'd have liked to have taken ages to do so, as it was extremely hard, I cried a lot and felt like I was losing my mom in the physical world yet again. I know she's happy I dealt with things as best as I could, and proud of me, but it was an awful process, which hasn't finished, as there still are things to do, but which are totally insignificant compared to not having her here, with me.

I agree with you Jill, group therapy for me is this forum, and I need to find a bereavement counselor to talk one on one and find some coping mechanisms. If one could die of sadness, I would have died hundreds of times by now. Such is the weight of this loss.

Guys, take care of yourselves, and please stay in touch, and if you find any new books, any movies, any techniques, any alternatives to be able to deal with this tragedy of losing the most important person in our lives, please don't hesitate to share, but most of all, come here often and ramble as I do. I know I must be a pain to everybody, as I am not bringing any positivism, but I am not there yet, I am still in the darkness......and for now this is the best outlet for my misery.

Warm regards,

Trish

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