How do I go on?

[Jillbus]

I lost my Mom, my best friend, my everything three weeks ago. It was totally unexpected. She was 79. I was with her to her yearly des. Appt in Nov and he said she was doing great. I was with her almost everyday and we talked everyday several times a day. We have been close my entire life. When we lost my dad two years ago we got even closer which I didn't think was even possible. I was with her the night of Dec 23rd and when I called her Christmas Eve morning several times and she didn't answer I went over to find her on the floor. I feel like at that point my world ended. I have a strong faith. I know she missed my dad terribly and I know with all my heart we will be together again one day. For now though I don't know how to go on. I have a big support system, a partner, two great older brothers, step children, friends, niece, nephews, an amazing church family, but nothing helps. I am trying to stay strong and along with my brothers do everything the way I know my Mom wants me to. I just feel like I will never feel happy or content or safe again. I feel guilt. I feel obsessed that I could have prevented this. I just don't know how to go on without my Mom. I am 42 and I just want my Mom!

I have been reading these forums since the week she passed and am finally choosing to post.

Thank you for taking the time to read/listen. Blessings

[Alone]

Dearest Jillbus - you simply just keep going, keep going on.  I don't know how to explain how it happens, but each day you put one foot in front of the other and move.  I lost my father and a child when I was 25.  I lost my mother when I was 47.  I lost my oldest brother, my ex-husband and mother-in-law when I was 49.  I lost my husband 2 days before I turned 60.  The loss of my husband, my soul mate, my other, has been devastating.  It has been worse than all the other losses combined.  An enormous piece of me is gone and can never be replaced.  I believe that I understand what you are feeling.... yet each person's journey is different....

 

Yesterday was hard, today was hard and I expect tomorrow to be hard.  But unless God grants me a natural exit from this life tonight I must put one foot in front of the other tomorrow and go on. 

 

Please find whatever support you need to get you through this.  I meet with a hospice bereavement counselor and that helps.  Sometimes we need someone that we can say anything to without fear of repercussion or long memory.

 

I pray that you find peace.

[Trish91]

Dearest Alone and Jillbus,

 

I am really sorry for your losses, and I completely understand where you are coming from, I am in my thirties and want my mom, who I lost a month ago tomorrow. In fact, I am now crying after reading the medical history on her lung cancer diagnosis, treatment and hospitalisation.

 

Although medical histories are completely impersonal, they made me relive the last three weeks of her life and the pain and suffering that I experienced through it, and most of all, the pain and suffering that she experienced; and in it the doctors and counselors at the hospital described me as pretty distressed and depressed, as if it was unusual, who wouldn´t be under such circumstances?

 

Alone, you are amazing, you are so strong, you have survived so many losses in your life, I cannot understand why we have to go through such pain, but I do admire your strength and will to continue in spite of what has happened to you since you were 25!

 

I struggle every single day. It is really hard for me to get out of bed, and I am scared of a future without my mom. I never had issues with that before. I was always full of hope, enthusiasm and good vibes, just like my mom, but not anymore, I have changed, her death has definitely changed me forever.

 

Jillbus,  I do admire you faith. I believe in God, but  right now I have such mixed feelings, and I wish I could connect much more with my mom, through dreams, thoughts, signs of any kind.

 

I miss her so much, she always had my back, truly liked me, loved me and accepted me. Who will do so now? There is nobody like her. I miss talking to her every day, laughing together, telling her everything, hugging her, telling her that I love her so much that I don´t really know how to go on, except, that is, by living one day at the time and trying to make decisions in the same way, one day at the time.

 

You are very lucky to have a great support network, so do I, my husband, father, brother, nephew, friends, aunties, uncles, cousins, etc, but nobody can fill the void left by my mom, so I completely understand, and pray that  my mom and I are reunited when my time comes. Until then I will have to go on, I have no choice.

 

It has all happened so quickly, my life has been turned upside down, literally, so quickly. I´d never expected this a year ago, and cannot believe how everything changed forever in a matter of months. Why did I have to lose my 67 year old mom so soon?

 

My only comfort is that I was with her every day during her last three months, that we spoke every day for at least two hours every single year before that, that we always told each other everything, that we had some wonderful holidays together over many years, and that she did know how much she meant to me; and now she is no longer suffering, she´s completely at peace, with God, and her mom and dad.

 

I don´t know if I am making any sense, I am rambling, that´s true, and for that I apologise, but it´s because I am very emotional right now.

 

Anyway, I pray for both of you, and I hope that we can all reach a point where we can live with the deaths of our loved ones.

 

We will never be the same, or fully overcome their deaths, but I hope that we can learn to live fulfilling lives without their physical presence, and that we can strongly feel their spiritual presence and continue to live with real hope to meet again in the after life. Acceptance, some sort of peace and lots of hope and faith, that´s what I am aiming for.

 

Warm regards, and blessings to you both.

 

Trish

 

 

[Alone]

Dear Trish91 - please remember that the love you shared with your mother will never be gone.  Hold her in your heart until the day that you are reunited. 

 

Blessings and Hugs

[Jillbus]

Thank you Alone and Trish. I am doing my best each day. I know I will some how go on but I can't imagine being happy again. I mean that true happiness I felt when I was with my Mom.

Everyone around me is supportive and says I will be happy again. I just can not fathom it. I know my Mom is up there telling me not to be like this but all I can do right now is think about the day I will see her again I am not suicidal but truly relish the idea of that day when it comes.

I pray you all are finding at least moments of peace. Sometimes that's all we can expect.

[RTF]

I lost my mother Christmas Eve also. She was 92 and overcome by pneumonia.

I dreamt that she was still alive and awoke to reality.

I'm 54 so I had her a long time but it still hurts terribly. It's getting harder to let go. My father died when I was less than a year old and while my grandfather tried to fill the void he died when I was eleven.

Thanks all for sharing. We have faced and are facing tough losses.

[Jillbus]

I'm so sorry for your loss RTF. I'm glad that someone understands that no matter the age of our Mothers when we lose them it is just as hard. If one more person says "She lived a good long life" or "You had a lot of years with her" I will go insane. IT WAS NOT LONG ENOUGH,

It's been a month today and it has been very very hard. It has not gotten easier. Maybe even harder. My anxiety was off the chart. I have decided to do a couple of things. I am going yo make an appointment with my minister and also with a therapist.

I'm not doing too well with what everyone is calling this "new norm" I just want my Mom.

I thank God for my faith because without the promise of seeing her again I would be totally lost!

[Dosh Garnett]

Hi Jillbus/RTF/Alone (Trish91 we've had a brief convo but still including you) 

 

I am so sorry to hear about this and I can imagine how deep in despair you are right now. I think Alone has hit the nail on the head. You just keep going somehow. I said to someone else because it had been said to me... one day at a time, one minute at a time. Be gentle with yourself, expect the rage and despair, let it come and go, when you smile I think it will hurt when you remember that you also want to cry, when you cry try to remember to smile and remember. I know the feeling of "I want my mom". I lost my mom to cancer on Dec 14th and I have spent every second hour/day since then crying and either thinking to myself or saying out loud to my guy "I just want my mom". Counsellors, good friends who will just listen and be still, I read up a lot about grief/what to expect/how to help yourself, massage therapy, hot tubs, exercise (I cycle so I get out as much as I can) but mostly just patience. It's so hard, it feels like your heart is being ripped out. You feel okay one second and then BLAM! it all starts again. 

 

anyhow, breathe, just breathe and know that, as others have said, we are all in this together and here for each other. Peace. 

 

- Dawn 

[Jillbus]

I have made the decision to seek professional counseling.  This weekend was rough.  My brothers and I took care of my Mom's financial affairs and met with a real estate agent about the house.  We do not want to rush things (its only been 1 month), but I know my Mom is up there saying "ok I want you guys to get all of the over with and move on and be happy."  Anyway, I got through the day with only crying 3-4 times which I was amazed at (I did find a strength I was surprised at, again I owe this to my Mom who always taught me to be strong).  Anyway, Sunday and Monday I was a mess.  I am having a really hard time adjusting to so many things of this new norm I am supposedly living in.  With both of my Parents gone, I feel like I dont have a compass.  My partner and step kids are great, but I focused my whole life on my Parents and most especially my Mom-my best friend.  So, I am going to go to counseling which I hope will help me.  I am taking it moment to moment now, but every moment brings new things we are not always prepared for the way they will effect us. 

As always I pray you are all finding small moments of peace filled with the love of the parent or parents you are missing...

[RTF]

I think counseling may be a good thing. I am in a facilitated group and facing my mothers loss Christmas Eve and my wife's loss in terms of divorce soon, we have been separated for years but finalizing next month.

My teenaged son is angry with me for not being around; I feel guilt that I am not equipped to raise a son having lost my father in infancy.

His mother may remarry and replace me.

With such thoughts rolling around in my head it's probably good that I am in group counseling.

[Jillbus]

RTF,

Im sorry you are handling more than one major loss in your life.

I would really like to hear how the group counseling is.  At this point

for me personally, I need one on one, but would really be interested in hearing

how that goes.  Perhaps in the future if I need it.

Moment to moment today my friend.

[RTF]

I have been involved in twelve-step addiction recovery groups as my family has an addiction history.

I find friends there ask me how I'm doing and draw me out of myself and this is very comforting. So generally group recovery is good, and also the group I have with my counselor has been supportive. We have gotten to know each other's life histories and so the sympathy is solid and real.

[Jillbus]

RTF

I'm glad you have found good support in that way. I started counseling at my church this week and it went well. It was good to talk to someone not directly involved. I start with a regular therapist this next week.

Moment to moment is all we can do.

[RTF]

Jilibus

I'm glad you are finding positive connections. I find the grief in life has to be worked through otherwise it becomes anger. I find myself really irritated with people and easily provoked. It's good also to have people still willing to listen after months because you never know when it's all coming up again. I have dreMs of my past, with people and places that are very saddening dreams and it's good to be connected with the here and now, with people. Hope the best for you.

RTF

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Jillbus,

 

I am feeling the same way as you are right about now. My father passed away one week ago today. It was extremely unexpected, to say the least.

 

I'm finding myself becoming more and more angry with pretty much everyone and everything, including myself, as time passes. My mom keeps wanting to check in on me and make sure I'm doing alright, but I feel like I can never be alright again. She came by today and I had no words to say to her. I eventually had to just tell her to leave, I just don't want to see or talk to anyone right now.

 

All I can think about is those last days I had with my dad. All of the good memories I've shared with my father over the last 25 years seem to just be blocked out by those final moments. I can't find happiness or peace with myself. I can't bring myself to let him go so suddenly. I'm barely managing as it is, and the guilt I feel is unfathomable.

 

I keep thinking I could have saved him if I had tried harder. If I had just dialed the phone, but I didn't until it was far too late. Everyone who I've spoken to has said there's nothing anyone could have done to prevent his death, or at the very least a crippling debilitation, but they didn't know my father. He was the strongest man in the world. He could have overcome this if I had just helped.

 

How do I go on knowing he's gone because of me?

[Jillbus]

Kirbiboh

I too am experiencing a large amount of guilt and no desire to carry on with everyday life.

I have survived six weeks today. Not sure how I got this far especially knowing I have a huge

Long road ahead.

I have a lot of support but none of it seems to truly help me. I have chosen to go to counseling.

I know my Mom (and dad too) are up there urging me to go on and be happy but right now that feels impossible.

I just want you to know you are not alone and I really do understand

-Jill

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

It's so hard. I still feel so responsible for my dad's death, even though I didn't necessarily cause it, his health and many other factors played a part, but I did nothing to help him until the damage was already done. He was there for me my entire life and I couldn't be there for him the one time he needed me the most. I didn't want him to die, it was the last thing I wanted. I don't think I can ever get over something like this. How do I go on?

 

Everyone else is having fun today, partying or whatever, this Super Bowl Sunday. I should be sitting here, with my dad, watching the game like we always did. Well, I would watch the commercials anyways (they were the only part I really cared about). Now I can't even manage to turn on the TV. It's just not the same without him, nothing is the same without him.

 

It's been a week for me. Even after six weeks, does it ever get somewhat better?

[acertaingirl]

I lost my mom on Dec. 21st, 2013 from breast cancer. I'm 23 years old and had been taking care of her since her diagnosis in 2010. She fought so hard and had an incredibly cheerful outlook till the day she died. The day before she died she was flirting with the nurse who was taking her food order... thinking back to that makes me smile. My mom was 65 years old, and I, too, have people telling me she lived a long, full life, but like some of you, I just want my mommy... She had been my best friend my entire life. She knew me better than anyone and could tell I was upset by looking at my facial expressions. She never judged me once and always supported my decisions, no matter how flighty or ridiculous. She gave the best hugs and was a mother to so many people who had lost theirs already or were children of divorce. She was the best person I knew and now she's gone. I AM angry too much of the time and I need to find a way to deal with that so I don't lash out at others over nothing because of my anger and guilt. Even though there was absolutely nothing anyone could have done, I have dreams about her dying in front of me while I stand there and do nothing. I am at a crucial part in my life where I'm supposed to be finishing college, picking what I want to do with the rest of my life, enjoying my youth and all I can do is lay in bed and wallow. I am in a relationship with a completely supportive and amazing man, but my fear of loss and abandonment cause me to question his loyalty and push him away even when he's done nothing wrong. I feel like losing my mother is causing me to fail at everything because I don't know how to go on without her. Hopefully it gets better, but right now I'd appreciate any advice, prayers, anything. I feel like I'm drowning.

[Flyaway grey]

I'm sorry for your lost. Everyone grieves differently so you might deal with your loss in a different way than others. I know when my wife died it was hard for me to do anything. I was really depressed and confused. I was having so many emotions at once. Overtime the pain will come with acceptance. It took me years to do and even at times i still can't accept that she isn't here. Please make sure to take care of your self. You will heal from this but it does take time.

[Jillbus]

It's so hard. I still feel so responsible for my dad's death, even though I didn't necessarily cause it, his health and many other factors played a part, but I did nothing to help him until the damage was already done. He was there for me my entire life and I couldn't be there for him the one time he needed me the most. I didn't want him to die, it was the last thing I wanted. I don't think I can ever get over something like this. How do I go on?

 

Everyone else is having fun today, partying or whatever, this Super Bowl Sunday. I should be sitting here, with my dad, watching the game like we always did. Well, I would watch the commercials anyways (they were the only part I really cared about). Now I can't even manage to turn on the TV. It's just not the same without him, nothing is the same without him.

 

It's been a week for me. Even after six weeks, does it ever get somewhat better?

I don't think that I can say it gets easier, but I am amazed that I have at least made it this far.

Super Bowl was so hard for me because it was such a national holiday in my family.

You will have to find a way to go on and make your dad proud of you because it's what he would want. Don't get me wrong I know what

I am saying may mean nothing . We just want our Parents back.

I for one rely heavily and almost solely on my faith in knowing I will be with my Parents one day when time comes.

I start therapy tomorrow so I will let you know how it goes.

Hang in there my friend.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

I don't think that I can say it gets easier, but I am amazed that I have at least made it this far.

Super Bowl was so hard for me because it was such a national holiday in my family.

You will have to find a way to go on and make your dad proud of you because it's what he would want. Don't get me wrong I know what

I am saying may mean nothing . We just want our Parents back.

I for one rely heavily and almost solely on my faith in knowing I will be with my Parents one day when time comes.

I start therapy tomorrow so I will let you know how it goes.

Hang in there my friend.

 

Jillbus, what you have said means so much more than just nothing.

 

I too hold onto the hope that I will be able to see my dad again one day, and that he will be happy with how my life turned out, and how his did too, even though it was cut short. He and I had a good life together and I will miss him each and every day.

 

I'm still trying to figure out ways to be able to contact him though he's on another plain now. I know it's possible, there just has to be a way.

 

I'm slowly growing to accept that he didn't take too good care of himself and this was going to happen sooner or later, I just wished it had been later. He also had a mass found in his lung once he was admitted to the hospital that was probably cancer, so he actually didn't have to suffer as much as he would have otherwise.

 

Please keep me informed on your therapy. I hope it can help you in some way to heal, even if it is just a little bit at a time.

[RTF]

Sunday was my first birthday without my mother. I am lucky to have teenage kids to party with but I'm just a 55 year old who wants his mom back. It's weird now that both parents are gone. My father died before I was a year old. I feel like an orphan.

[Jillbus]

Kirbiboh

I'm glad my words may have helped in any way.

I relate so much to you because my Mom was my everything and we were always together.

I too wish to be able to communicate with her. I do talk to her and I journal to her. I assure you

We WILL see them again one day!

My first therapy session went really well. I like my therapist A lot and feel that she really understands me and is going to help me find a way to carry on.

RTF

Happy belated birthday. That must have been a terribly hard day for you!

Mine is coming up in March and I wish I could sleep the day away but then I think

That I must give thanks for Mom who brought me into the world that day.

I hope and pray we all find a small iota of peace in the days to come.

We were all blessed with amazing parents!

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Jillbus,

 

I feel like my path in life has turned completely off course because of my father's death. I don't know how I am supposed to go on without him.

 

I always knew something could, and eventually would happen and I would lose him, but now? Why now? After everything we've been through together.... I miss my dad each and every day, and it only makes me miss him more with each day that passes. I can't believe he is gone already, I just want him back now and things back to normal but I know that won't happen.

 

I am glad your therapy is helping you. I would appreciate any tips you've learned about how to make it through all of this.

[Jillbus]

I know the feeling.  I feel as if I dont know how to go on either without my Mom.  Sometimes I just don't even want to try, but I know I can't think like that because I hear my Mom telling me to go on. 

Every moment, every breath, everything, reminds me of her.

I can't say that the therapist has given me any tips yet as it was just the first one.  I know I felt better talking to someone outside of my family and friends.  I am not sure of your situation, but if you can and are able to seek out some counseling please do it.  I also dont know if you are involved in a faith, but I am finding comfort there as well.

Take a moment at a time.  Some day, perhaps we will be able to take it a day at a time.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

I feel better just by posting on here. I know I might post a lot, but it helps me just to write down my thoughts and what I am feeling at that very moment.

 

I have been considering counselling due to all of my struggles with this grief I have. I can't breathe at times. I feel so bad with myself and how I couldn't save my father. The only reason I get out of bed currently is because I have a weenie dog who needs to be taken out... and that's it.

 

I've never been too much involved with faith, but after this, I can't just go on thinking that my dad is gone for good. There has to be a higher power, no matter what you want to call it, something that is holding onto our loved ones and keeping them safe until we can be reunited.

 

There has to be a place out there for my dad, and for me, when my time comes. A place where there is no more pain or suffering. I want to be there, but I don't want to give up on myself just yet. I have to live on to honor my dad.

 

Moments are really all I can do right now, it's only been a week and a half for me and it feels like it's been a minute. Other times, it feels like it's been years.

[BBP]

This is my first post and sorry I haven't read all the posts yet but relate to RTF and Jillbus.  Yes I am tired of hearing "....good long life and you had a lot of years with her"  I turned 63 Jan. 20 so it was my first birthday as well without her and she always told me the birthday story of when I was born.  I do understand some people never knew their mothers and I am always sorry for them.  I can't write too much cause today is so hard for me so I am glad I found this site. I find the guilt of things she asked me to do and I put off is some of the hardest stuff to live with and also never knowing when I will start sobbing while I am  talking to someone on the phone or in person.

[Trish91]

Dear Kirbiboh and BBP,

 

I have also posted a lot, a lot, too much perhaps, on this site, and perhaps I have repeated myself at times, but this has helped me immensely, just as reading about other people´s pain, which is no different from mine or yours, and that´s a comfort in the midst of this tragedy of losing my mom, my very best friend, my soul mate, to lung cancer, no the 17th of December, after a short illness, four months, and a very late diagnosis, just two weeks before she passed.

 

She suffered a lot; however, and my only comfort is knowing that she is with God, her parents, my grandparents, and all her aunties, uncles and grandparents, in a wonderful place, full of peace and happiness, where no pain or suffering exist.

 

I believe that there is an after life and a Supreme Being, call Him God or whatever you will, and that we will reunite with our loved ones when we die. We all have got to die, and we all will at some point in time.

 

My mom was 67, and had always been full of life and energy, a wonderful person who touched the lives of millions. She was strong, intelligent, loving, open minded, hard working, creative, positive, a wonderful mother, sister, wife and friend, so I don´t know how I am going to go on without her, but I have to, to honor her memory, and so we can be together again at some point, when my time comes.

 

She was the center of my world and dealing with her estate has been so very hard, having to sort through her things, sell stuff, give away stuff, keep stuff, it´s been a nightmare, and I cry every day, I feel anxious about a future without her everyday. I talk to her though, and God, every single day though, and I would give anything, any of my vital organs, anything, my youth, to be with her again, to have another year with her.

 

I live overseas, and I am soon returning to where I live, and where my husband, brother, nephew and sister in law are, and will be starting a new job then, so I am terrified, as I am not the person who I was before I came here, thinking that it would be a well deserved holiday, after two years of taking no holidays at all, and what had been diagnosed as herniated lumbar discs was actually metastatic lung cancer, so it´s been a nightmare, a roller coaster, which I do not wish to the worst of my enemies.

 

I never thought one could hurt so much and experience so much pain, physical and mental, in one´s life. Of course, I was completely naive.

 

Anyhow, sorry for the rambling, but today has been particularly tough and I need to let off steam, and writing here truly helps.

 

I am really sorry for your losses, as am I for my own, and may God have mercy on us and bring us lots of faith, strength, inspiration and some solace and peace every single day, as right now, I only live from one moment to the next, and it´s been seven weeks since my dearly beloved mother passed away.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear Trish,

 

Your mother sounds like a truly incredible person. I have been trying to think of ways to keep my father's memory alive. I want to do whatever I can to honor him. All I am is because of him. Everything he ever did his entire life was to provide for me and I know, no matter how hard I ever try, I could never live up to how great of a man he was, but I want to try.

 

Luckily, he got to live carefree ever since his retirement. We lived together in his parent's house for the past 8 years and he had little to no stress, nothing to hold him back from being happy. I'd like to think my dad was content with his life up to the very end. He died at the age of 62.

 

I never really knew how much my dad meant to me until he was gone. He was taken from me suddenly, yet I am the one left in pain when he is the one who lost his life. I should be sad for him, not for me. I sometimes wish it was me instead, that's how undeserving he was of this. He was the most gentle man one could ever know. Maybe it really was his time to go, but I too would give anything for one more day with him.

 

My dad was the one constant in my life. I just figured he would always be there for me, no matter what the circumstances. I am still trying hard to accept the fact he's not coming back. I'm never going to see him again... at least for a while. I know I will one day see him again, and I cannot wait until that day comes.

 

I never thought I would have to even seek out help on a forum like this because I never thought he would die. I knew he wasn't invincible, but it sure felt that way to me. What son doesn't believe that of their father, no matter the age?

 

Living from one moment to the next is the only way I know how now. Living just isn't the same in this world without my father. I miss him.

[Jillbus]

It is really amazing how we can come to this forum and find comfort in ways that we cannot in our "real" lives.  I appreciate all of you for posting, commenting, supporting, etc.

 

Last night was hard.  I had gotten my Mom tickets to see The Glen Miller Orchestra, for Christmas and she passed away on Dec 23rd.  My partner went with me.  I cried alot because of course i wanted to be there with my Mom, she would've loved it.  I tried to tell myself that she was getting to enjoy it with my dad instead.  It was hard to look around the theatre and see so many folks much older than my Mom, also older couples in their 80's and 90's still both alive and enjoying it together.

 

Each day brings something new and difficult.  My brothers are coming this weekend to try and go through some more of my Mom's things.  We have done some already, but this weekend is going to get into more things like clothes and personal items.  I don't know how I am going to do it.  I want to put her house in a bubble and keep it as it is, or I want to take all of her things to my house, but I don't have room.  My Mom always told me to just get rid of stuff and not to be so sentimental, but I am.  I know I want to donate alot because she would want that.  None the less it is going to rip my heart out yet again.

 

I miss my Mom, I want my Mom back, am I just being selfious?  My whole existence feels wrong and difficult.  My Mom was my world and I am lost and don't even know how to plan my future now. 

 

I do know I have to find a small moment each day though to move forward for her sake.  That is what she would want and expect of me.

 

May you guys find a moment of peace today and a small smile when you see the face of the one you lost, in your memory.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Jillbus,

 

This forum is definitely one of the few places where I feel I can speak freely without judgment. I don't know if I could say these words to a therapist, or even to my own mother. Words are just so hard to come by considering how much everyone here has been through.

 

I have thought the same thoughts as you. They're not very nice thoughts, but I think them anyways. Why do others get to live so much longer while my dad doesn't? What makes them deserving of life? But then I think to myself, my dad had a great life. He accomplished everything he set out to do. He was content. He was happy. And now he gets to spend eternity with everyone he's ever wanted to see again and that one simple thought keeps me going.

 

It's not selfish at all to want your mom back. I know it doesn't feel fair to us to have our loved ones taken before we feel like they should have been. But, that's the way life goes, I suppose. We can't change what has happened, we can only try to learn and grow from it. These tragedies are slowly forming us back up from the crumbled messes we currently are into stronger people. I know one day this pain will be a distant memory, and there will be nothing but joy when we look back at the times spent with our parents.

 

That time feels so far away, and it very well might be, but all we can do now is heal. Heal. It's a lot harder than it sounds though. I have been through so much pain, so much guilt. I've wanted to give up so many times, today, yesterday, the day before. I've even wanted to trade places with him, for me to have been the one to have the aneurysm. But then I know he would have felt the same as I do over losing him, and I don't want him in pain so I keep going.

 

I keep going for my father. He deserves a son he can be proud of. I want to be that son.

[RTF]

It's painful when I hear of someone older than my mother was even though she lived to 92. My father died before I was a year old, my grandmother when I was about six and my grandfather when I was eleven.

Bitterness weakens. Now I'm 55 and an "orphan" and divorcing.

I'm probably repeating myself but a sense of aloneness has grown stronger in me now since December 24 when my mother passed.

My best to all despite the circumstances we face.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Dear RTF,

 

Your mother lived a long life, but I know no matter what anyone says, it could never be long enough. We all want more time with our loved ones. Even when it doesn't seem possible, even when all odds are against it from happening, we still want it. But life doesn't work like that, unfortunately. Your mother has joined your father and your grandparents to help you through this long, agonizing process until you are finally shown the way to continue your life.

 

Even though you might not even remember your father, I am sure he remembers you and he loves you so deeply. He could never forget you. You share such a strong connection, no matter how short of a time you got to be together. He has helped, and will continue to help guide you through this entire journey of your life. You are his child and that's not a bond that can ever be broken, even by death.

 

These circumstances seem dire, but it won't be like this forever. There has to be a silver lining. I'm still looking for mine, I hope you find yours.

[WhereIsMyHome]

Hi Kirbiboh - 

 

It is hard to breathe at times.  At times we don't even want to go on.  I miss my parents so much (they died within 2 days of one another), that at times I don't even know what I'm doing here.  Life seems purposeless at times.  However, as hard as it is, I know what they wanted for me. We know what our loved ones wanted and what they want for us, and despite the pain, it's important for us to keep on.  They want us to keep on.  I try hard as I can to focus on that.  What would my dad want me to do at this moment?  What would my mom want me to do at this moment? Excruciatingly difficult as it is, we must keep going, and sometimes it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other.  At times, that's the best we can do.  That, and to honor our loved ones with our love for them.     

 

 

I feel better just by posting on here. I know I might post a lot, but it helps me just to write down my thoughts and what I am feeling at that very moment.

 

I have been considering counselling due to all of my struggles with this grief I have. I can't breathe at times. I feel so bad with myself and how I couldn't save my father. The only reason I get out of bed currently is because I have a weenie dog who needs to be taken out... and that's it.

 

I've never been too much involved with faith, but after this, I can't just go on thinking that my dad is gone for good. There has to be a higher power, no matter what you want to call it, something that is holding onto our loved ones and keeping them safe until we can be reunited.

 

There has to be a place out there for my dad, and for me, when my time comes. A place where there is no more pain or suffering. I want to be there, but I don't want to give up on myself just yet. I have to live on to honor my dad.

 

Moments are really all I can do right now, it's only been a week and a half for me and it feels like it's been a minute. Other times, it feels like it's been years.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

This is my first post and sorry I haven't read all the posts yet but relate to RTF and Jillbus.  Yes I am tired of hearing "....good long life and you had a lot of years with her"  I turned 63 Jan. 20 so it was my first birthday as well without her and she always told me the birthday story of when I was born.  I do understand some people never knew their mothers and I am always sorry for them.  I can't write too much cause today is so hard for me so I am glad I found this site. I find the guilt of things she asked me to do and I put off is some of the hardest stuff to live with and also never knowing when I will start sobbing while I am  talking to someone on the phone or in person.

To BBP:

A good long life, but yet it wasn't long enough. No matter how long a life anyone has, no matter how healthy they are, no matter how much time you spent with one another, the feeling remains the same. I don't think that feeling will ever go away for me. You'll always know that it could have been longer, if only things were different. But things don't always go as they plan.

I understand about the whole "guilt" aspect of losing a parent. There's so many things I wanted to do with my dad that I'll never get the chance to now. My dad ordered a bunch of stuff online right before he died, and the packages show up and I just break down because they were things he wanted, not things I wanted. All of these possessions that don't feel right in my hands. They were his, not mine.

So many things left to do, so many things left unsaid. Things that we would put off for a day, a week, a month, and then eventually a year would pass. There's a ton of yard work that needs to be finished, and now that I am officially the owner of his house, I am the one held responsible for it. I wish I had the energy to do what he wanted to get done, but I just don't feel that way right now. One day, maybe one day... that's what I will keep telling myself.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Hi Kirbiboh - 

 

It is hard to breathe at times.  At times we don't even want to go on.  I miss my parents so much (they died within 2 days of one another), that at times I don't even know what I'm doing here.  Life seems purposeless at times.  However, as hard as it is, I know what they wanted for me. We know what our loved ones wanted and what they want for us, and despite the pain, it's important for us to keep on.  They want us to keep on.  I try hard as I can to focus on that.  What would my dad want me to do at this moment?  What would my mom want me to do at this moment? Excruciatingly difficult as it is, we must keep going, and sometimes it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other.  At times, that's the best we can do.  That, and to honor our loved ones with our love for them.     

 

Hello WhereIsMyHome,

 

I understand exactly how you feel. This pain is unbearable at times. I've wanted to give up, I've wanted anything to make the pain stop. My dad was my best friend, I've lived with him my whole life. How do you move on when the other half of you is gone? Very slowly, it seems. As slowly and as cautiously as you can handle. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed, but now it's basically just me against the world. My mom tries to support me as best she can, but there's only so much words can do.

 

I keep breaking down at random intervals as I scour the internet to find out more about brain aneurysms and the devastating effects of a rupture, which is what my father died from. A lot of people who have survived them have been left with crushing, life changing effects. Most of them never end up with the same quality of life as they once had, and are left in constantly need of being taken care of. I am so glad my dad did not have to go through any of that, he was allowed the chance to be let go peacefully. It would be selfish of me to want him to keep on living in such a state where he'd feel nothing but misery, just for another year of two, if that, of him being here with me. Also, he was developing cancer, so that would have been even more terrible to have to watch him go through.

 

What I'm trying to say is, and what I feel awful in saying, is that maybe these seemingly senseless deaths aren't always so senseless after all. My dad didn't have to be in pain, which is the last thing I would want of him. I trust you would want the same for your parents. Though we all had to say goodbye much sooner than we had wanted, the alternative is watching before our very eyes as our once thought invincible parents pass on with nothing to stop it from happening.

[WhereIsMyHome]

A week is so short.  Too short.  It's a fresh wound in your heart and your soul.  Though nothing will ever be the same again without him, it's too soon after, and your pain is so new...

 

I was very connected to my parents, which is why my world is now upside-down.  I included them in everything, always.  I didn't want them to miss out on anything.  Then the alignment of the planets changed for me, and they were ripped away from me.  How do I rearrange my life with them not here? My life lacks without their presence.  Who will truly understand me the way they did?  Selfish as it sounds, who will be there to applaud me and worry about me the way they did?  Who will be there for me to worry about and to make happy?  Those who had good relationships with their parents suffer a lot, and yet it's the ones that didn't have good relationships with their parents that I feel sorry for.  They have never had the wonderful connection and relationship to their parents that I did.  Nothing, ever, will be like that bond.  

 

The death of a parent or parents is very different from the death of a spouse or a child.  The parents are the base, the rock, the legacy, the roots, and they are who gave us life, so it's a huge loss.  It is for me.  I don't know when it will get better.  It has changed since November (when they passed).  I no longer dial their number.  Even no longer dialing their number makes me terribly sad, because it's an acceptance in my heart that they're gone.  Still though, I still miss them the whole day long.    

 

It's interesting that you mention how you spend time looking up online the illness that your dad passed away from.  I do the same exact thing.    I'm constantly wondering what I could've, should've, would've done differently for my parents, to keep them here with me, to extend their lives.  Maybe prevented my dad's surgery?  Maybe paid more attention years ago and tried to do things to stop the deterioration of his heart?  Same things with mom?  

 

You're right and thank you for pointing out that perhaps things happen for a reason.  I would never, ever have wanted my parents to suffer, and they would have, the way things were looking.  

 

It's wonderful that your mom provides some support and that she understands what you are going through.  I think those connected to their parents most intensely end up suffering the most, but it's not at all a bad thing.  We are the lucky ones because even though it's excruciating pain to suffer their loss, every bit of sadness we feel is there because of how much they are loved and needed, and how much we know that they needed and loved us.

 

   

 

 

 

Hello WhereIsMyHome,

 

I understand exactly how you feel. This pain is unbearable at times. I've wanted to give up, I've wanted anything to make the pain stop. My dad was my best friend, I've lived with him my whole life. How do you move on when the other half of you is gone? Very slowly, it seems. As slowly and as cautiously as you can handle. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed, but now it's basically just me against the world. My mom tries to support me as best she can, but there's only so much words can do.

 

I keep breaking down at random intervals as I scour the internet to find out more about brain aneurysms and the devastating effects of a rupture, which is what my father died from. A lot of people who have survived them have been left with crushing, life changing effects. Most of them never end up with the same quality of life as they once had, and are left in constantly need of being taken care of. I am so glad my dad did not have to go through any of that, he was allowed the chance to be let go peacefully. It would be selfish of me to want him to keep on living in such a state where he'd feel nothing but misery, just for another year of two, if that, of him being here with me. Also, he was developing cancer, so that would have been even more terrible to have to watch him go through.

 

What I'm trying to say is, and what I feel awful in saying, is that maybe these seemingly senseless deaths aren't always so senseless after all. My dad didn't have to be in pain, which is the last thing I would want of him. I trust you would want the same for your parents. Though we all had to say goodbye much sooner than we had wanted, the alternative is watching before our very eyes as our once thought invincible parents pass on with nothing to stop it from happening.

 

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

It's actually been just over 2 weeks now, but the pain just seems to keep growing and growing with each passing day. The first couple of days, I was relatively okay because I was so busy trying to take care of things and buy a bunch of necessities to be able to live on my own without my dad. But now, the realization that my dad isn't here anymore has sunk in and it hurts. I feel so hopeless about everything. There is no end in sight to this kind of loss.

 

My dad and I have always had the strongest bond two people can have. I don't think if I were to ever get married, I'd feel the same closeness with my spouse. That's how close we were. I really never let anyone else get that close because he was the one person I could always trust to be there for me.

 

I knew nothing about brain aneurysms before all of this happened but now, I've learned about as much as I can take. I've read a lot of stories online of survivors, which make me feel angry that my dad couldn't be one of those, but then I read about other survivors who have faced so many challenges afterwards and are not the same person they were before it happened. I desperately wanted my dad to be at least alive, but not if he would have to be stuck like that. I keep thinking to myself "if only I tried harder to get him to change his ways, to stop smoking..." but I know he could never quit, no matter what. It made him happy, and when he was happy, I in turn was happy. Trying any harder to get him to change would have only led to our relationship becoming strained.

 

The same goes with your parents, you did what you thought would be best for them. No one can fault you for that. Forcing someone to change isn't going to do anyone any good. It's a person's responsibility to take care of themselves and it's their decision to do things that are considered either healthy or not. I've come to terms with that, though the pain still remains.

 

I've never had to go this long without my dad, and I always thought he'd be here for me. Now that he isn't, my life seems quite meaningless. I know this can't go on forever, my dad wouldn't want me to just give up. I can't let him down after everything he's done to get me this far.

 

My mom has tried her best to help me, and I am so thankful to have her still in my life, but it doesn't seem to do much good. I need my dad... and no amount of talking can help bring him back. It sucks.

 

A week is so short.  Too short.  It's a fresh wound in your heart and your soul.  Though nothing will ever be the same again without him, it's too soon after, and your pain is so new...

 

I was very connected to my parents, which is why my world is now upside-down.  I included them in everything, always.  I didn't want them to miss out on anything.  Then the alignment of the planets changed for me, and they were ripped away from me.  How do I rearrange my life with them not here? My life lacks without their presence.  Who will truly understand me the way they did?  Selfish as it sounds, who will be there to applaud me and worry about me the way they did?  Who will be there for me to worry about and to make happy?  Those who had good relationships with their parents suffer a lot, and yet it's the ones that didn't have good relationships with their parents that I feel sorry for.  They have never had the wonderful connection and relationship to their parents that I did.  Nothing, ever, will be like that bond.  

 

The death of a parent or parents is very different from the death of a spouse or a child.  The parents are the base, the rock, the legacy, the roots, and they are who gave us life, so it's a huge loss.  It is for me.  I don't know when it will get better.  It has changed since November (when they passed).  I no longer dial their number.  Even no longer dialing their number makes me terribly sad, because it's an acceptance in my heart that they're gone.  Still though, I still miss them the whole day long.    

 

It's interesting that you mention how you spend time looking up online the illness that your dad passed away from.  I do the same exact thing.    I'm constantly wondering what I could've, should've, would've done differently for my parents, to keep them here with me, to extend their lives.  Maybe prevented my dad's surgery?  Maybe paid more attention years ago and tried to do things to stop the deterioration of his heart?  Same things with mom?  

 

You're right and thank you for pointing out that perhaps things happen for a reason.  I would never, ever have wanted my parents to suffer, and they would have, the way things were looking.  

 

It's wonderful that your mom provides some support and that she understands what you are going through.  I think those connected to their parents most intensely end up suffering the most, but it's not at all a bad thing.  We are the lucky ones because even though it's excruciating pain to suffer their loss, every bit of sadness we feel is there because of how much they are loved and needed, and how much we know that they needed and loved us.

[WhereIsMyHome]

When you describe what you're going through, it definitely hits home for me.  It's a sense of desperation, a sense that it's wrong, that it's a situation that seems too unreal to be real.

 

You had such a great bond with your dad.  It's amazing.  Even though it won't help the pain one bit, because you were so close to your dad, and so bonded, you are a part of your dad that is left here on earth.  You're a representative for him in many ways, until you see him again.  I will bet everyone, from your mom to everyone else, sees your dad in you.  Again, it won't help the pain, but your identity is such that you are a bit like your dad because of the closeness..    

 

Tell me, does it hurt or help to talk about how wonderful your dad was?  In other words, does it result in you ending up in more pain, or does it fill you with your dad's soul and therefore a feeling of security?

 

The other day I had a sensation that mom and dad had been taken from me in the same way that a murderer takes a loved one away.  At times it feels as if they have gone on a trip. Others, as if they had been kidnapped.  At no time does their absence feel right or good.  I cannot believe that from now on I am going to have to live without them.  I just cannot believe it.  It's just wrong in every way.    

 

 

 

It's actually been just over 2 weeks now, but the pain just seems to keep growing and growing with each passing day. The first couple of days, I was relatively okay because I was so busy trying to take care of things and buy a bunch of necessities to be able to live on my own without my dad. But now, the realization that my dad isn't here anymore has sunk in and it hurts. I feel so hopeless about everything. There is no end in sight to this kind of loss.

 

My dad and I have always had the strongest bond two people can have. I don't think if I were to ever get married, I'd feel the same closeness with my spouse. That's how close we were. I really never let anyone else get that close because he was the one person I could always trust to be there for me.

 

I knew nothing about brain aneurysms before all of this happened but now, I've learned about as much as I can take. I've read a lot of stories online of survivors, which make me feel angry that my dad couldn't be one of those, but then I read about other survivors who have faced so many challenges afterwards and are not the same person they were before it happened. I desperately wanted my dad to be at least alive, but not if he would have to be stuck like that. I keep thinking to myself "if only I tried harder to get him to change his ways, to stop smoking..." but I know he could never quit, no matter what. It made him happy, and when he was happy, I in turn was happy. Trying any harder to get him to change would have only led to our relationship becoming strained.

 

The same goes with your parents, you did what you thought would be best for them. No one can fault you for that. Forcing someone to change isn't going to do anyone any good. It's a person's responsibility to take care of themselves and it's their decision to do things that are considered either healthy or not. I've come to terms with that, though the pain still remains.

 

I've never had to go this long without my dad, and I always thought he'd be here for me. Now that he isn't, my life seems quite meaningless. I know this can't go on forever, my dad wouldn't want me to just give up. I can't let him down after everything he's done to get me this far.

 

My mom has tried her best to help me, and I am so thankful to have her still in my life, but it doesn't seem to do much good. I need my dad... and no amount of talking can help bring him back. It sucks.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

When you describe what you're going through, it definitely hits home for me.  It's a sense of desperation, a sense that it's wrong, that it's a situation that seems too unreal to be real.

 

You had such a great bond with your dad.  It's amazing.  Even though it won't help the pain one bit, because you were so close to your dad, and so bonded, you are a part of your dad that is left here on earth.  You're a representative for him in many ways, until you see him again.  I will bet everyone, from your mom to everyone else, sees your dad in you.  Again, it won't help the pain, but your identity is such that you are a bit like your dad because of the closeness..    

 

Tell me, does it hurt or help to talk about how wonderful your dad was?  In other words, does it result in you ending up in more pain, or does it fill you with your dad's soul and therefore a feeling of security?

 

The other day I had a sensation that mom and dad had been taken from me in the same way that a murderer takes a loved one away.  At times it feels as if they have gone on a trip. Others, as if they had been kidnapped.  At no time does their absence feel right or good.  I cannot believe that from now on I am going to have to live without them.  I just cannot believe it.  It's just wrong in every way.    

 

I keep saying to myself "this is so *blank*ed up" over and over in between the tears because I still can't believe this has happened to him. It does not feel real for me either, nor do I ever want it to feel real. At times I find myself looking over to his chair where he would always be sitting, thinking that is where he will be, but he's not there. It feels wrong like this isn't my life anymore. It's someone else's and I'm just a stranger in this house.

 

I can't just let this be the way things end between us, for our relationship to be over so prematurely because of something beyond anyone's control. I want to see my dad again, and I've been searching desperately to find out how to do so. I am hoping he will come to me in a dream, but so far I haven't had any luck. I've begged and pleaded for him to come see me in my sleep, just to maybe get at least one more chance to talk to him. 

 

When I talk about my dad, it varies between hurting and helping. He was such an amazing person and he definitely should not have been taken this soon, which makes it hurt. But then I remember all the good he has done for me in my life, and I feel so thankful I even had the chance to know him. He's saved me too many times to count, and always loved me unconditionally no matter what we were going through at the time. For 25 years of my life, I had the pleasure of knowing him. I know I should feel lucky to even have been given that long with him, but I don't. I need more time.

 

I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for him, quite frankly. Some days I didn't even see the point of getting out of bed, but then I would because he'd be there to greet me. He was the one person in my life that I wanted to see each and every day. I would have closed myself off completely if not for him. He gave me a purpose, to try and strive to be more like him.

[Jillbus]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to jump back into this thread I started.  Its  been 7 weeks today since I last saw my Mom, my everything, my best friend.  This weekend my brothers came and we did more work on packing up her house, including her clothes.  Each piece a story and so familiar to me, I think I smelled every single one.  I decided to have a quilt made out of her t-shirts as she had so many (she loved t-shirts), most that I had given her, but each one has so much meaning.  So I am going to have a quilt made of them.

 

I feel like the pain is never going to go away.  Life is a fog now, and feels pointless.  I have lost my compass.  We we were so connected that it was unbelievable.  I feel so empty, no reason to be happy or feel hope for the future.  I can't tell my loved ones that, so I am glad I can come here to say it.

 

Sometimes I feel like I am slipping away.  My anxiety and sadness get so bad I could just fall off the earth.  I dont know if that sounds crazy, but its how i feel.

 

I did my Mom's taxes today and when I get out of work I have to go and get the title to her car transferred to my name so I can sell it.  People seem to think that as I get things done (her clothes, her taxes, her car) that I am supposed to feel better.  HELL NO! sorry  It makes me feel terrible that I have to do these things.  I admit I want them done and done right because I know my Mom expects that of me.

 

By the way, I have had some signs from her lately.  Those are comforting, but it still boils down to the fact that I just want my Mom..........

[claudiamarie]

My father died from lung cancer this past July and I am finding it hard to go on. I am the executor of his estate so I am busy doing that from him. I wished  that I ahd more time with him, but Dad lived a long life. He was a WW2 vet and lived to the grand old age of 93. He never expected to live that long. But he refused to do chemo for the lung cancer. I cannot say enough for Connecticut Hospice in Branford. But Dad was only there for three days before he passed away.  I take each day at a time, and it is starting to get a little easier, but I still miss him.

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to jump back into this thread I started.  Its  been 7 weeks today since I last saw my Mom, my everything, my best friend.  This weekend my brothers came and we did more work on packing up her house, including her clothes.  Each piece a story and so familiar to me, I think I smelled every single one.  I decided to have a quilt made out of her t-shirts as she had so many (she loved t-shirts), most that I had given her, but each one has so much meaning.  So I am going to have a quilt made of them.

 

I feel like the pain is never going to go away.  Life is a fog now, and feels pointless.  I have lost my compass.  We we were so connected that it was unbelievable.  I feel so empty, no reason to be happy or feel hope for the future.  I can't tell my loved ones that, so I am glad I can come here to say it.

 

Sometimes I feel like I am slipping away.  My anxiety and sadness get so bad I could just fall off the earth.  I dont know if that sounds crazy, but its how i feel.

 

I did my Mom's taxes today and when I get out of work I have to go and get the title to her car transferred to my name so I can sell it.  People seem to think that as I get things done (her clothes, her taxes, her car) that I am supposed to feel better.  HELL NO! sorry  It makes me feel terrible that I have to do these things.  I admit I want them done and done right because I know my Mom expects that of me.

 

By the way, I have had some signs from her lately.  Those are comforting, but it still boils down to the fact that I just want my Mom..........

 

Dear Jillbus,

 

It's been only 2 weeks for me, and even at 7 weeks, you sound like you're still in rough shape. I wish there was some sort of time table to something like this, but it all depends on how desperately you loved the person you lost. And I love my dad more than anything in this world. I really hope I don't feel this bad at 7 weeks, but I don't foresee myself ever getting past any of this. The cremation place actually just called earlier today and said that my dad's ashes are ready to be picked up. That should be a blast. 

 

Also, that is a cool idea with the whole quilt thing. My dad was actually known for wearing a certain type of shirt his whole life. It was a kind of striped plaid shirt. Even in the pictures of me as a baby, he was holding me and wearing that same kind of shirt. I have decided I am going to begin wearing them from now on in honor of him. It's the least I can do to help preserve his memory. I wish I could think of more ways to help keep him alive.

 

The way you are feeling is definitely not crazy. I feel the same way as you, like I just don't have a purpose anymore. I could disappear right now and the world would move on without me. They can move on, why can't I? I can't move on without my dad, no matter how hard I try. My sole reason for being here was to give my dad a son. Now that he's gone, what use am I? I actually did end up telling my mom that I feel that there's no point going on, and now she is afraid I'm going to kill myself. I can't do that, because my dad would never forgive me. He taught me better than that. I have to somehow get through all of this even though the pain just seems to get worse with each passing second I'm away from him. It's unbearable at times, especially when I look at pictures of him. And yet, I keep subjecting myself to the pain by looking at them.

[Jillbus]

Kirbiboh,

 

I like the idea of you wearing shirts like your dad.

 

I wish I could tell you that it is better after 7 weeks.  The only so called positive might be that most of the time my head isn't as fogged as it was.  The pain is just as bad if not worse because each day I go on without seeing my Mom just rips me apart.  She was my world, my everything, my best friend, my reason for living.  A lot of people dont understand that, but at least hear I feel like you do understand.

 

I think my loved ones are also afraid my harming myself.  I couldn't do that to my Mom, plus I am not sue with what happens with suicide and the afterlife. So I will suffer this life so that I can see my Mom 9an dad) again.  I suppose that sounds sad to just get through life until I can die.  I dont know how to think otherwise.  So, I guess that is something to talk to the therapist about.

 

Not sure if you went and picked up the ashes yet.  I have been through it  twice and it not fun.

Let me know if you have done it, and how you did.

 

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

I understand, Jillbus. Believe me, I do. I've never felt this much pain over anything. I thought I knew pain until I felt this. My dad is and always will be my best friend. I can't just let this go and move on when he was the only person in my life who was always there for me. Everything he ever did in his life was for me and he'll never know just how glad I was to be his son.

 

I went and got my dad's ashes today. I didn't think anything could be as bad as watching my father die, but having him be reduced to just a little box is just as painful. I couldn't stop crying the entire time. Luckily, I only had to sign one little paper and it took about 5 minutes total. I just wanted out of there as fast as humanly possible. I hugged my dad and held him in my hands. My heart aches even more now than it did, the reality is sinking in further with each step in this process. I love him so much, and I know he wanted to be cremated so I am thankful he took care of all of this before he died. I definitely wouldn't be able to do it.

 

I have read a lot of conflicting opinions about suicide. Most of the consensus is that it's a sin to commit murder, even if it is on yourself. And if you sin you're not going to be able to see your loved ones again, which basically means we're stuck here for the long haul. I sometimes feel God should be able to understand all the anguish we are going through without our loved ones and might be able to make an exception. But if it's wrong, you'd never be able to take it back. I know these feelings will pass. This will pass. It has to pass eventually. I can't stand feeling this terrible all day every day.

[Jillbus]

Kirbiboh,

 

I know how hard it is picking up those ashes.  I have done it twice now.  My Mom wanted her ashes combined with my dad's and half scattered here in FL where we live now and 1/2 in NY where we used to live.  I have done everything to make sure her/their wishes were/are carried out to a 't'.  My brothers and I will spread the other half this summer. 

I agree with you that it is devastating to see our healthy, strong parents, reduced to a small container.

I kept a very tiny urn of both of my Parents' ashes.  One day, I would like mine mixed with theirs when my time to go be with them comes.

 

As far as the suicide thing goes, I just know I can't risk not getting into Heaven and not being with my Parents again.  PLUS they would be livid with me. So instead I live each with the pain.

 

I'm a teacher and it is so hard each day to get up in front of kids.  It would be easier to have a job working in a cubicle away from people.  Oh well...

 

I met with my church counselor yesterday.  She is wonderful and I supposed it is good to just be heard and no judged.  I realize more and more how people just cant understand it if they havent been thru it.

I told her about this forum, even about you Kirbiboh.  It is a positive to have people who just simply "get it."

Last couple of day I've been sick with a cold.  Being sick and dealing with grief is terrible...I just want my Mom.

I guess some day there has to be hope and light that will return, right now, I dont see it

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Jillbus,

 

That is wonderful that you able to fulfill your mom's wishes. My dad never actually told me what he wanted me to do with his ashes, so I am currently just have them placed within arm's reach. The house is kind a mess at the moment because I really don't have much motivation to go through everything. I don't even honestly want to look at his urn, which is actually inside a little bag at the moment, because it's just a constant reminder that he's gone. I did actually manage to talk to him a few times though, but I much prefer talking to him in my bed in the next room, it makes me feel slightly less like the finality of death has arrived.

I too wish to be with my dad for the rest of eternity when my time comes. Maybe even my mom too at this rate, she's been trying her hardest to help me. She actually has been making a big difference during this trying time. She won't just let me give up on myself. I told her if I don't feel better within the next week, it's time to do something drastic like see a grief counselor.

 

The pain is constant, but it can't go on like this forever. I'm certain my dad knew I would fall apart if I ever lost him. I was highly dependent on him as a beacon of light in my relatively dim life. He's probably screaming at me right now to toughen up and try to push past the pain.

 

It must be incredibly hard to maintain a sense of normalcy in front of your students. They need you just as much as you need your parents so you can't give up. I'm so glad that you are able to continue teaching with everything else crumbling around you. I certainly could never keep a job with the way I am feeling.

 

Jillbus, thank you for mentioning me. Though I wish we met under different circumstances, I am glad you have found others who can relate. I wish I never had to find a forum like this, but just knowing that I have made a difference to at least one person gives me hope. I'd like to think my dad would be proud of me for reaching out to help others in as much need as I am.

[Jillbus]

Kirbiboh,

 

I can imagine it must be difficult for you to not know exactly what to do with your dad's ashes.  For now though, just keep them close by,  My Mom kept my dad's ashes in a lovely spot in her house and she told me she would talk to him from time to time.  I am grateful that my Mom made all of her wishes very clear to me, and had her affairs pretty much all in perfect order and I was aware of it all.

 

I do want to tell you something.  I really want you to consider going and talking to someone.  I know it seems difficult and maybe even impossible.  We have to find a way to survive this and although I really appreciate this forum and people just like you who I truly feel a kindredship with, I think we need more.

Your dad would want you to go on to be the best man you can be, like he was, and live your life to honor him until that beautiful day you will reunite.

 

I hate being without my Mom for one single second.  I didnt even like being away from her when she was alive.  So as dark and hard as each day is, I want to live my life to honor her and be the best person I can be for her, and to be like her, loving, and generous.  I can't do it on my own.  The hurt is too deep and too difficult.  What I am saying is that I really think therapy can help.  It wont ever take away the pain, but will give you coping mechanisms so you can keep going.

 

I am extra sad today.  I always tried to make every holiday super special for my Mom (as she did for me).  Not being able to visit the "Mom" section of the cards about killed me.  I wanted to bring her a bunch of chocolate so she could get on to me for bringing her so much stuff.  I have to put a smile on for my partner and step kids and its really hard.

 

Thanks for your friendship. 

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

Jillbus,

 

My father also had planned everything out in the event that he did die, which I am extremely thankful for. I know there is no way I could go through all of that, it's already painful enough as it is. He had actually only signed up for the cremation service 2 years ago, so in some strange way maybe he knew his time was approaching the end. I knew he would be gone one day, from the smoking. He was supposed to just get lung cancer like everyone else who's smoked. Not die from something that went undetected his whole life. I knew he would die...but not like this. Never like this.

 

I know that I need to talk to someone, these gut wrenching feelings can't keep going on like this. I told my mom if in one week I still feel as terrible as I do now (which I'm guaranteed to feel) she will make me an appointment with a grief counselor. I need help, and this forum has given me help to see that I'm not alone in this tragedy, but I agree that it's not enough. I'm falling apart more with each passing day. There's no end in sight to this kind of mental anguish.

I wish I knew how to honor my dad, and I'm been trying to think of ways to do so, but how do you honor someone who saved your life more times than you can count? I feel like I could never live up to these high expectations I have set for myself. I want everyone else to know what great of a man he was. I need his memory to last a life time. He presented the world to me on a silver platter, and I never let him know how much just his presence around me made me feel. He was my epitome of happiness. He was my other half. I'm broken and I can't be put back together again without him.

 

I am extra sad today because my mom would always stop by today and give my dad and I chocolates and stuff, even though he told her numerous times not to get him anything. She did it anyways, and he was always that way. Don't get me anything because I'm not getting you anything. It was his trademark move for Christmas, birthdays, everything.

 

Thank you for the kindness you've shown me, Jillbus. I will keep all of your words close to my heart.

 

 

 

 

[Trish91]

Dear Jillbus and Kirbiboh,

 

The past few days have been particularly hard for me. I have returned to my usual place of residence, and I was able to sort out my mom's estate, so I should feel more peaceful, but it has been more difficult than I thought.

 

Although I am truly happy about being back with my husband, and away from my mom's apartament and the solitude and nostalgia I had living there for two months, I am also scared of starting a new job without my mom to console me, guide me and support me through this change.

 

We used to talk every day, sometimes two and three times a day and often for over two hours, so I really feel alone and empty, but try to put on a good face as not to offend or scare anybody around me. However, deep inside I am in terrible pain, and often anxious and scared like never before. How will I be able to live the rest of my life without her?

 

On top of that, my brother has been a true jerk, lashing out at me and not appreciating all the things that I have done for him, for us, and most importantly, for our mom. His attitude has broken my heart yet again. Isn't it enough with all the suffering that I have been through recently? My heart and mind cannot take any more hurt, and will everything hurt as much from now on? How am I gonna live like this? I used to be a really confident, strong and positive person, am I no longer like that? Have I lost myself completely?

 

Any input from you would be very much appreciated, because you are both thoughtful and sensitive people who love your parents as much as I love mine. You both provide an insight that is extremely valuable. Every time I read your posts I feel it, and I read them all every single day.

 

Warm regards to both of you.