Feeling Like We Want to Die

[backyarder1]

I know this isn't a topic that many of us want to say out loud, but I think it is one that most of us feel at one time. Maybe by talking about it, rather than ignoring it, we can help each other through it.

There have been times, since my husband died, when I have felt like I wanted to die. Sometimes it is a fleeting thought. At other times, I think about it more seriously, wondering what the consequences would be. How could I do it. Who would even care.

I could go into details here about how deep my grief is and how insurmountable the future seems. But what I would really like is for other people who have experienced this thought or this feeling to share how they got through it.

Does anyone have anything to share that might encourage me and others who are feeling this way?

[djjrjc]

You are not at all alone. I have these thoughts daily, and two of my children have expressed these feelings as well. It is hard to share with friends because they become worried about you, and don't understand this can be normal to feel under the circumstances.

 

There are 2 things that help me get through these thoughts.

 

The first is that I have 4 beautiful children to raise and they definitely don't deserve to lose two parents.

 

The second is my belief system. For me, I believe that we came here to experience and heal certain things in our life and if we don't do it this time, we will come back to do it again. I most certainly am not doing this again if I can help it. I don't know if it will help you, but I have had experiences that have convinced me my husband is not gone, but has crossed over, where we will be reunited one day. It helps me to cope with this unbearable pain and loss.

 

Sending love to you and letting you know you are not alone. I realize we all have different belief systems.. I am only sharing mine since it has helped me cope with these feelings. xo

 

Jenn 

[Sedona]

Hi Backyarder1,

 

You are not alone.

 

It has been 3 weeks since my soulmate died. Not a moment has gone by in which I do not wish I were dead also. I begged to be taken in his place when he suddenly became very ill. I know many of us have tried that bargaing thing.

 

I know I can not die, I have beautiful daughters who need me. I just keep hoping this feeling of helplessness will end and I will be whole once again. I also know with certainty, Rick would never want me to feel this way, I am sure your husband would never want you to suffer like this also.

 

Right now I am trying to replace such thoughts with happy memories..trying to retrain my neurons in my brain to help to bring me back to the me I used to be. My wound is open and fresh, I hope I will have the strenth to heal

 

Warm hugs Backyarder1

[Karen.Lyn]

I have already survived an attempt at suicide. I was so distraught I wasn't thinking. I just went straight to the medicine cabinet and and swallowed every pill I found. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on your views, I spent the entire night vomiting and was sick for days afterward. 

I view suicide as a viable option to end pain but it needs to be approached logically and all other options exhausted. I researched the options and know how to mix a cocktail of easily acquired ingredients that will let me go to sleep and not wake up in much the same way as Andy passed in the hospital.

I don't have anyone who needs me. Except for some volunteer work, I don't have a purpose. Still, I know I don't really want to do it because I don't want my family and friends to have to deal with the pain I'm going through now.  I'll just keep my options open.

 

Karen

[backyarder1]

Most of you have children or family or friends who you don't want to hurt. But if the reaction that my family and friends have had to Tom's death is any indication, then they would have no probably handling mine. I can just see them all shaking their head and just accepting it as a natural reaction to a broken heart.

[obakesan]

.Does anyone have anything to share that might encourage me and others who are feeling this way?

I wrote a lot when I was in the thick of the worst of it

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/2012/12/difficult-subjects.html

A TV series I have been watching called Fringe had a good quote from Walter

"The Pain is his legacy to you, it is proof that he was here. You can't escape it by building walls around your heart"

[backyarder1]

The other thing is, I can't believe how many people I have told that I don't want to live and that I feel suicidal at times. And people joke about it. No one takes it seriously. WTF???

[obakesan]

The other thing is, I can't believe how many people I have told that I don't want to live and that I feel suicidal at times. And people joke about it. No one takes it seriously. WTF???

I guess that's a symptom of the culture you live in

[HeyJude]

I certainly did and do have those feelings, a lot.  But, my belief systems do not allow for suicide, my husband would have a friggin fit if I show up there before my time and I've been doing a lot of studying about the afterlife.  It seems that people who commit suicide take their issues into the afterlife with them.  Unresolved issues remain unresolved, unresolved grief remains unresolved.  There is no getting away from it.

 

In lieu of committing suicide I have more the feeling that I don't care if I die or not.  If something happens to where I think I may die I probably won't do anything to stop is, know what I mean?  I pray and hope that I'd be dx'ed with some fatal disease so I will die sooner.  Just my luck I will live to be 100.

 

Right after my husband died I was taking Ambien to sleep.  One night I got up and ate all the pills I could get my hands on and I did this without even thinking.  I ended up in the ER having to drink some black ****!!  Charcoal, it was awful from what I can remember.  So I guess subconsciously I tried to join Jerry but it didn't work.  It wasn't my time.

 

Now, a year later I still have that feeling that I won't stop death but I have two grandbabies to live for and who would take care of my pets??  My 85 yr old mother lives with me and she would be devastated, I couldn't do that to her.  So I live and you guys, it really does get more manageable.  Happiness does creep back in, slowly.  I find myself singing lately along with cd's or the radio.  And I remember my husband so fondly.  Nothing can squish the love I have for him...nothing.  Plus I know he is with me.  I spoke with a medium .

[Alone]

In order to have his stem cell transplant, my Tom and I had to meet with a medical psychiatrist.  The subject of suicide came up in one of those sessions and my Tom looked straight into my eyes and said "that is the one thing I could never forgive... you hurting yourself".  So here I stay just wishing, praying for a natural death to come to me soon. 

 

I have all of the leftover medications from my Tom's illness (47 different prescriptions in total and well over 1,000 pills).  I can't tell you the number of times I've stared those pills down through the night.  Yes, I should dispose of those medications.  No, I'm not ready to do that yet.

[frankly]

Absolutely.  I no longer stay alive for myself.  I don't stay alive for my pets, I've made arrangement for them already.  I don't stay alive out of fear of what happens after, I don't even care any more, if I went to hell for it, hey, can't be any worse than this.  I don't stay alive for any of my family, they will all be alright except one little 5 year old grand baby.  She is the only reason.  I've thought long and hard about it.  When or if there comes a time that J doesn't need me any more, or if something happened to her, then my time will be.  She only has me and her mom and her mom has problems.  She has already lost Jerry.  I just can't do that to her.

 

There is no desire to be strong and carry on any more.  Especially for others, except an innocent child.  I have nothing to offer society any more.  Just the opposite, I'm now a burden.  I have MS, Jerry was my caretaker.  I have no one now.  I'll hold on for J for as long as I can.  But there will come a day that I will take it into my own hands, my own choice.  Not because I don't love my family, I do.  But for me, my quality of life is gone and it isn't going to get better.  Maybe that is selfish of me.  Maybe it's just not being able to endure the pain any more.

 

I'm sorry if this bothers anyone.  I will say that it is nice to be able to talk about it without fear that someone is going to step in and try to take that choice away. 

[obakesan]

Hi

Absolutely.  I no longer stay alive for myself.

I'm a little unclear who you're saying absolutely too, but since you sound quite serious I'll discuss the question of "who do you stay alive for?"

 

I don't stay alive out of fear of what happens after, ...

I don't stay alive for any of my family ...

ok ...

She is the only reason....

I've thought long and hard about it. ... I just can't do that to her.

good :-) ... its good that you have a reason. I'd suggest that she's part of your family if you feel comfortable with expanding that.

Maybe it's just not being able to endure the pain any more.

probable ... my own experience (and that of those I have observed) is that the intensity does lessen and that in time it becomes tolerable.

Its also m personal experience that over time I begin to see that people who are my friends care about me. Me putting myself down will bring them pain too ... and they've already lost Anita (my wife). Although I'm probably suffering more, it would bring them more suffering. Why should I be so uncaring after I have just seen how painful it was for me?

I'm sorry if this bothers anyone.

can't be helped, if anyone is bothered by the cries of those in grief then they shouldn't be here reading this. I know I stay away when I feel weak.

[backyarder1]

Well, I will talk about what we talked about in one of my grief sessions recently, and I don't know if this will help anyone, but it goes towards my spiritual beliefs. I believe that we each have God within us. And God, to me, is kind of a vague term but it means pure love. Pure wisdom. Pure goodness. So we all have the potential to reach that God energy but it takes effort and a lot of work. I have spent most of my life trying to reach that God place. And it was really, really easy when Tom was here and I was in love, and I felt his love and was surrounded by his love. In effect, God was loving me THROUGH Tom. And now that Tom is gone, I need to work really, really hard to get back to that God energy. Because I know that what I was put down here on earth to do....maybe what we were all put down here on earth to do...is to LOVE. To share love. I know its a lot harder because our primary source of love....the ones who we could most readily love and who loved us back unconditionally...are gone. But if you are like me, it isn't really JUST the fact that I don't have someone right in front of me loving me back, it is also that I do not have someone right in front of me for me to LOVE.

I have definitely been having a rough week but when I really examine that, I realize that I am just having a huge pity party. And if I died right now, feeling sorry for myself, it would really be like my whole life....everything that I have done to make a difference in the world in any way...would be forgotten. All anyone would remember would be that I was weak.

"Frankly", I do understand your feelings and yes, the people on this website will listen to them. But I can also tell you that if any of us thought that you would actually try to take your own life, we would do what we could to stop you. Why? Because we still want to love others. We want to help others. Love is what life is all about.

I'm pretty sure I sent you some links to organizations in your area that can help you. If you did not get that message, let me know and I will send them to you again. There are still plenty of ways that you can make a positive impact on the world and you can do so in Jerry's honor. He took such good care of you. Wouldn't he be proud of you if you did the same for others?

I know that for me, I will focus on trying to remember everything Tom taught me about loving others, and I will try to be as loving and generous as he was.

[Alone]

We have so many, many triggers that can put us in a bad place emotionally. Some triggers we can create plans on how to handle the emotion that will come. For example, one year ago today my Tom was admitted to begin his SCT (stem cell transplant) process. I know today will be a bad day so I've made plans to do things that will help. It is the unexpected triggers that can put me close to the edge of giving up. That is when I have to dig deep to find reasons to keep going. And those reasons have to be about me, not about others. For example, I recently gave support to someone in hospice. I was able to provide support and love to someone I barely knew because I'm familiar with their fight. Is that why I'm still here? I don't know, but I gave this person a type of comfort no one else could and he did not die alone.

[Sammijo2424]

Oh I can definitely relate to what all y'all are saying. My husband died almost a year ago. The first few months I just wanted to die, tried starving myself, lost 50 lbs in 2 months, I just wanted to be with my husband, nothing else. Sat around all the time thinking on how I could kill myself. At the 6 month mark I almost succeeded. I am still here in spite of myself.

Along the way I have realized my Ron does not want me to come to him that way. When my time is up I will join him, until then, there is still work for me here. I try to do good for others, focusing on God and others, . My children and grandchildren still need me.

I still lay in bed a lot, crying and feeling sorry for myself. I still have bad days, just not everyday is bad. Next week is his birthday and 2-8 is looming down on me but now I know I will make it thru it, I don't have any other choice. Those days are going to come and go whether I like it or not. I have to say I still don't really care if I live or die but the need to hasten things is gone

After almost a year I can tell you things do get easier, more bearable. I will always miss him but I also know he waits for me with open arms when that time comes when my time on earth is done.

[Silvergirl61]

  Since someone started the topic.. I will admit, that the thought has repeatedly crept in..and sometimes has stayed around to grow. Many , many long years ago... I lost someone else , and my days were dark..and I wanted to die, because at the time.. I felt that no-one would ever love me..and no-one would even care...so I tried. Turns out, a total stranger found me...patched me up..read me the riot act...and saw to it , that i started thinking in a better way. I would have never had my children. I would have never met Dennis....

    I may have lost him in this time, and in this place...but i know i will find him again, somehow. If i had given in to that black despair... I would have never seen the grandson that we so wished for...that he talked about someday being able to cuddle and play with....just like he will never see or hold him. Eli would never know either of us then..and there would be no-one who knew his grandpa this well...to tell him stories , or answer questions. There are people who do love me..and who hurt so badly...they have even gone so far as to forget and say..if it had to be one of you....terrible as that sounds..the grief and terror in the voices tells me how frightened they are...that I will leave them too soon too....and i can't hurt them that way...and besides .. I promised him i would not do that..that i would leave my time to fate...and find him again, when time runs out here.

    I don't feel any large sense of purpose. I have little direction, no goals...not much hope, of things getting better ....but I will have to wait and find out...

    If I were told i had a fatal illness...I don't have the strength to fight, nor the will- not yet anyway. I am not worried about it any more..I have the feeling...that is when the pain will stop- when i die. I guess until then i seek the smaller joys.. try to find some kind of happiness...and just wait it out. Some days... it even seems i will do all right .....I just keep going , the best i can. He'd want it that way- because time is an illusion...and one day..it won't matter any more.

 

 

[backyarder1]

Hi everyone. I wish I hadn't started this topic and I also wish there was a way that I could delete it, but I don't see a way to do that.

Yes, I do get so sad some days that I feel like I want to die. But that is not who I am. That is not the thought that I want to share with anyone.

What I want to share with everyone is that we are all strong. Maybe not strong enough on our own right now, but strong with the help of others, with our memories with our faith, in whatever that may be.

Our loved ones who have passed do not want us to die. They want us to LIVE and we need to do that for them.

[Annie_]

I understand the feelings.  For me it not so much that I want to die but that I don't want to keep on living without my husband.  Everything feels so empty without him.  I have to remind myself that I had reasons for living before I met him.  My reasons now are just to try and do what I know he would have wanted me to.

 

I also believe that some part of him is still here with me and it would cause him incredible pain if I were to do anything to myself.  Even if I don't care what happens to me, I can't do anything that I know would hurt him.

[frankly]

Hi everyone. I wish I hadn't started this topic and I also wish there was a way that I could delete it, but I don't see a way to do that.

Yes, I do get so sad some days that I feel like I want to die. But that is not who I am. That is not the thought that I want to share with anyone.

What I want to share with everyone is that we are all strong. Maybe not strong enough on our own right now, but strong with the help of others, with our memories with our faith, in whatever that may be.

Our loved ones who have passed do not want us to die. They want us to LIVE and we need to do that for them.

Backyarder - I want to thank you for starting this topic.  For myself, it helps me.  I need to get this out because I do think about it.  Getting it out there, I can be honest about my feelings.  Sometimes just the act of talking, good and bad, diffuses the volcano of emotion built up because it is a taboo subject.  There is no one to talk to.  Acknowledging those feelings, to other who may understand actually helps me tremendously.  I've read over and over, when you reach that point to talk to someone that you trust.  For me, I trust you and the other people here.  To hear from others who have had these feelings in the past and how they dealt with them, or even current ones who are maybe feeling the same way.  I don't want to die.  I want my Jerry back. I want to be with him.  I want to feel useful and needed again. I want this pain to be bearable. I want hope, any kind I can get.  

 

I'm not strong.  Not right now I'm not.  For me, just talking about it and being able to be honest about my true feelings......that has helped, people spoke up, strangers of all things.  They spoke up and cared.  You cared. And they shared.    At a time and a low point in my life that I feel like no one does, not even myself.  For me, that is what your thread has done. 

[backyarder1]

Thank you so much for sharing that, frankly. And yes, I think most of us have felt that way. I don't want to die but sometimes I FEEL like I want to. And yes, only the people on this forum, or others experiencing grief, seem to understand.

I had a very rough week and there were several days when I felt like I wanted to die. I even had a few brief moments when I wondered what the best way to die would be. But I really have no desire to die. I want to live. I just want to get past my suffering. But I think we will all do that if we can just hang in there through this. Feel free to direct message me whenever you need to. I'll answer when I can.

[traveler1959]

 Backyarder1,  Depression is a awful thing, and going through what we are going through  a person can't help from being depress. I have fought depression off and on  for most of my life. And  with depression wishing you were dead is a common thing. I believe in God and know that  taking your life is one sin that you can't ask forgiveness for. But that still  don't stop a person wishing that they were dead. I don't believe that you have any ideas of going though with anything like that, you just want the pain from losing  your husband to stop, I'm sure you are like myself and a lot of others on here and are on some Anti-depression medicine, and if you are not, you need to go to the Dr. and get started on them.

 

   Remember you are not alone, and all of us can get though this together.

[Alone]

Re antidepressant drugs...

 

I tried Zoloft with really bad results (this happens in about 5 to 10% of all people who take Zoloft) so I decided to go to a traditional doctor who embraces some non-traditional techniques.  I'm currently trying some nutritional supplements that are supposed to help with sleep issues.  It's still early in this experiment, but I'm finding that I'm at least able to rest.  The supplements are water soluble so your body will flush any excess that you may take (kind of like vitamin C).  That's what sold me on trying this regime as it took about 4 days to flush the Zoloft from my system.

 

I'm not sure that the nutritional supplements will work for me, or for anyone for that matter, but it might be worth a try if you're finding that antidepressants don't work or aren't enough.

[backyarder1]

I really don't want to take anti-depressants. And I'm not suicidal. If I thought I was suicidal I promise that I would go get help. I think its normal for some of us to feel like we THINK we would like to die, but as soon as you get a chest pain or start to feel faint for some reason and go into panic mode, that pretty much proves that you don't want to die.

I just went to a therapist who was SOOOO totally useless. Which makes me say, again, that visiting this website is far better then talking to anyone who hasn't been through it.

[HeyJude]

It isn't so much that I want to die, I just don't care if I die.  I want to be with my husband.

[traveler1959]

 Backyarder1,  I think it is  normal too, and  first of all I have never been suicidal, but  depression isn't always about someone wanting to do away with one self. It can be about not being about someone thinking they will never be able to find happiness again.   I glad that you are going to try to make it without any meds.  Just remember the anti-depressants will help.

 

 

   

[backyarder1]

Well, I have to believe that I will find happiness again. I mean, I still have lots of days of happiness. I found out that a friend is having another baby today. That made me happy. I don't like the thought of having to rebuild my life without Tom but I am not pessimistic enough to think that I will never find happiness again. It will just be a different kind of happiness..