Life will never be the same again

[perfectfan]

I feel crap today, in fact almost everyday.  It's like the world's advancing everyday, and I'm moving along without an aim in life.  Like a boat without a rudder, it goes anywhere, just not the place I want to.  I no longer seem interested in my studies and getting an A doesn't matter that much to me right now.  Just that it did help to boost my self-esteem, making me feel I'm competent.  Other than that, I find life totally moodless and I suspect I'm in depression although I still smile and laugh and crack jokes.

Having lost my mum means having lost my world, nothing else matters matter and I just move through the stages of life adopting this 'indifference' mindset.

The only time I feel alive is when I'm at the tennis court, playing.  Perhaps sports is a momentary escape for me from this reality but how much longer can I hold on?

I'm sick of my uncle disturbing me, telling me I'm the only child and I have the responsiblity to look after my dad.  Yes it's right in a sense because since mum is gone, I have a greater role to play still.  But I'm only 17, still supposed in a booming teen stage when others are out there partying, having fun.  I'm just left with the burden, of displaying the responsiblities of an adult, maturing and growing up when I don't want to.  He asked what plans do I have during my upcoming 7 weeks holidays, I told him about how I'm gonna train hard to get into my school team for tennis.  Then he shoot at me by saying "is that the only thing you're supposed to do?"  He then went on blah blah about "you know your father is getting old and he wants to retire.. have you thought about the financial state in your family right now" yada yada ****. 

It's weird and stupid in a way how outsiders can get so concerned about your family's plight when dad doesn't even pressurise me.  But then again I know that uncle tells the truth because he is concerned for us.  But really, I just feel so stressed up everyday and that one day I might just explode.  Honestly, there are many times I think I might be better off dead but fret not the thought of suicide has never crossed my mind.  I'm still sane, I guess.

Oh how I wish I could just indulge in sports all day long, forgetting my problems and troubles.  Honestly life never sucks so much until I lost mum.  It upsets me to know she won't be there to enlighten my any questions and queries.  Neither will have I chance to have a heart-to-heart chat with her, regarding relationships, friendships, love, life and death, practically over anything and everything.

The only motivating factor/person is my dad.  Each time I'll remember that gentle warm smile he plasters on his face, the way he always encourages me and tells me he wants the best for me.  I feel that I shouldn't be letting him down.  He's my fighting spirit now and I cannot imagine a life without him.

My world is torn.

I don't wanna feel depressed all day long either but sometimes I cannot help it.  Friends around me think it's about time I "move on", "get going on with life" cause a few months have passed and wounds should have healed.  As a result I learnt to just shut down and not talk to them about mum and death simply because they don't understand and they never will unless experienced.

I need a counsellor or someone whom I can talk to freely without having worried of being judged but dad and uncles think I'm emotionally stable and mentally fine to find one. 

I'm sorry for the long entry here, not that I expect any replies but still thanks for reading if you have that patience to read till the last word.  Thank you

P.S:  Does anyone feel that screwed up as me?

[butterfly13]

perfectfan- I'm so sorry that you are going through this at such a young age.I know it's so hard,especially when your friends get tired of hearing you talk about your mom,they can't possibly understand until they go through that loss also.Councelling might help a little bit,I go for free,hospice provides that service for as long as you need it-most of the time I just sit with my councelor and cry,and talk about my mom-stuff my friends are getting bored listening to me talk about.I have a co-worker who lost her mom a week before my mom died,I thought that she would be able to relate to the way I feel,but she told me she is doing just fine,and that her and her mom weren't that close-for a minute I wished I wasn't as close to my mom as I had been,then maybe the loss of her wouldn't be so heartbreaking.Throughout the day,when the hurt is so bad and I feel like the only one in the world going through such painful grief,I find myself thinking of everyone on this message board who is feeling the same way as I am-this web site has helped me alot,I just wish that their were more people in my everyday life who could relate to my loss,and how difficult it is to lose your mom.Continue to play your sports-anything that will help you get through every day,one day at a time.  Love Butterfly

[stephysteph13]

perfectfan,

being very close in age. i understand what your going through. my mom died two years ago and im still a mess. i do live my life and enjoy it the best that is possible but it affects me ALL the time. dont feel like what your feeling is  wrong because it isnt its part of the grief process and is completely normal. i miss my mom so much sometimes its impossible to handle however i learned to live with it i live for my mom. im always here for you!! talk to me

steph

[stacyc]

I really think talking to someone is a good thing. Its so hard right now, and your are going through so much. I know what you mean about your friends, they really don't get it. I get frustrated because Its been 6 months for me and people don't even ask anymore how I am. I think people expect a couple of months to go by and they expect you to be fine. Its so not the case. Now that my mom is gone I also feel like I have to do more for my dad, I'm trying and I wish I can do more but I'm also trying to take care of my little boy. Try to stay busy with your sports when you can, I think thats a very healthy way for you to not only vent but to clear your mind. (((HUGS)))) to you.

[perfectfan]

Dear butterfly,

We can’t really blame them cause they haven’t been through such excruciating pain much less understand what’re going through right now.  And yes, it’s true people grief in different stages and each grief is so unique.  I’ve a friend who lost her mother to breast cancer some two to three years ago, I thought I would be able to relate her but apparently she seems to be doing “fine” and she tells me “I know you miss your mum but I don’t believe in near death connection.. death means death”.  Since then I knew she ain’t someone who is of the same wavelength as me and I stopped talking to her.  Yeah she wasn’t that close to her mum, and her parents were divorced so I guess in a sense our upbringings and everything, they differ a lot.  Maybe the separation of her parents just make her immune to everything.

It’s especially hard/easy coping with the aftermath of your mum’s death when you’ve had a special relationship with her.  Hard because losing her means losing a part of yourself.  It’s indeed a rough task to adjust to the changes thrown at you immediately.  Sometimes I wish all these were a nightmare and I wake up, the next day would be fine.  But it isn’t.  Easy because there are no regrets left behind as we both had established a strong loving mother-daughter relationship even though there are constant bickers and quarrels but at the end of the day, blood is always thicker than water. Easy because you know mum wouldn’t bear to see you in this state, and for the years she has been there for you, you were loved and cared for.

Ironies huh?  I’m still dealing with this inner struggle, everyday.  Some days it gets better, other days I breakdown but after each cry, I become stronger.  And honestly, having through this, I believe there’s nothing in this world that can get me down.  Although I wish life could be more smooth sailing but it ain’t always the case.  I also too, wish there are more people whom I can relate to but I'm still glad there is board where I can come to, without having fear of being judged (:

And be grateful we had such a wonderful relationship with our mums! ^^  God bless

-

Dear steph,

Thanks so much and it comforts me to know we are of the same age hence we’re able to relate better (: I don’t think we will ever get through this grieving period, will we? I’m so afraid of this dec, because that’s when the horror begins – when she got readmitted to hospital, her oncologist informing us to be prepared for the worst.  It’s scary how I could recollect all these at times and I’ll just cry myself to sleep, hoping tomorrow is one good day, or at least slightly better. The past 2 years must have been extremely hard on you, mine is just 8 months and I already feel so messed and screwed up.  I end up heck caring a lot of other things in life, cause they seem so trivial compared to the loss of my mother.  Last year this period, she was still with me.  Amazing how one year could change everything huh.  Feel free to talk to me too *hugs*

-

Dear stacyc,

 Yeah although at times I feel guilty placing emphasis on sports when I know I’m gonna be the next world number one in the years or anything and I’m really just playing for leisure sake and because of the passion.  Well, it happens.. for the first two months, the calls were really overwhelming.. people.. some out of genuine concern, others out of curiosity sake asked how are you doing, how are you coping.  They perhaps expect you to be doing something extreme, like entering a depression or identity crisis.  And then after that, the phone calls stopped rolling in, people just move on and get into their daily routines, forgetting that a life has been lost in one corner of the world.  Sigh, that’s the cruelty of life isn’t it?  Even if legacies left are not meant to be forgotten, how long can the impressions they made and the reputation craved stay?

-

with love,

perfectfan

[perfectfan]

I feel like a loser today.  Instead of studying for my exams, I ended up idling around at home, not knowing what to do, then I went to take a look at the photo albums.. saw her pictures and started tearing for no reasons.  I miss her warmth, miss her hug so much that I dont know how to describe.  How I wish she'd appear in my dreams and offer me some advices.  I know she wouldn't wanna see me in such despair, I wouldnt wanna appear loser-ish either, I want her to be proud of me, like any mother would towards her daughter.  But sometimes I can't help but to breakdown and collapse.

I'm so afraid to go through this sep, because last sep was where all the horror begun.  She got hospitalised, was in and out of hospital, doctors say it's cancer etc... It's so awful ****.

But this is just the beginning I know...