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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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maskott   

nurseconnie...I've seen you post on the suicide board and I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can't relate to all that you are going through but I hate to see someone reaching out for help and not getting anything. It's hard enough to lose a father, whom you probably adored, but to also lose the rest of your family is unthinkable. If I was to make a guess...your mother probably feels so guilty at what she said to your father and feels that maybe, that is what made him do what he did. She, and your brother, might feel that you had a relationship with your Dad that they didn't have. Now they feel guilty and resent you for having something they didn't,and now, can never have. It doesn't make things easier for you, I know. This is easier to say than to do...but you have to concentrate on you. Let your husband be the one to help you through this. Your mother has friends who can help her if she wants help.(as I said, this is easier to say than do...I know you don't really want to desert you mother at this time) I wish there were easy answers. I remember when my father died...I was married and had a 1 year old son. I wanted to crawl into the casket and be buried with him...he was my rock. I loved my husband and son...but did not want to leave my father. Of course, the feeling goes away in time but you need to give yourself this time...take what your husband is willing to give you and concentrate in you. Your families grief will take care of themselves. Be good to you.

BettyAnn

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Betty ann

I have read all your posts... I read them for months before I posted here.

I've soaked up a lot from your wisdom.

I realized today that I dont have one possession of my father's. Not a cap ... or anything. It really made me sad.

Then I looked in the mirror to do my hair... i was concentrating on my hair.. which was giving me a fit. ... and I saw my dad's eyes just looking at me.

My eyes are exactly his... same color .. shape ... everything.

My nose is exactly like his.

My feet are even shaped like his.

He was such a cutie ,,, even for a 69 yr old man.

I am going to try to count my blessings... it's just so hard with my mom pulling her hysterics every other day.

I've always been the scapegoat.. as well as the fixer.

I'm the one who gets blamed when things go wrong... and I'm the one expected to fix them. .... crazy huh?

The strangest thing is... I miss my father so much... but I carry no guilt.

For awhile I thought... since i'm a nurse i should have seen it coming.

Then I realized that he did what he wanted to do. He went out the way he wanted to go. I'm sure that the last person he talked to was his God. My father was a religious man...

Everyone here has their losses... so other than a place to vent.. i don't always look for help here. It's really not fair to expect other's here to help me. What I do try to get from here is wisdom and insight. It has helped a lot.

It's also a place where I can really lay it out on the line without a lot of BS from others. Everyone seems to know at least partly how it feels.

Suicide is rough though.

To all of you out there.. My best friend just lost her 13 year old to suicide by a gun. Please reconsider your choices to keep weapons in your homes. Buy a big dog instead.

Love to everyone

Happy new year

Connie

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My father died five days before Christmas. Being a stone alcoholic for so many years of his life had estranged him from everyone in his life. When he became demented twenty years ago I took over his care, got him into the best nursing home situations possible, and for the first ten years kept very close. I have two brothers and their expressed hate for him has been aimed at me for these twenty years. They told me I was stupid to do what I was doing. My mother, who for many years said he was "only your father biologically," can't bring herself to acknowledge my grief. My brothers offered no support, no understanding for my place in this transaction.

As a child nobody could take my love for him away, in spite of the things told to children that shouldn't be told. I corresponded with him and saw him as a teen and young adult. My last letter to him was returned unopened when he was found in a ditch in Texas in 1984. That was when his de-tox did not yield results and his dimentia was complete.

Over the past months of his long decline I thought I would be ready for his passing. I saw him and he knew me and told me he loved me. He said that I sure turned out to be a pretty young lady (not so young now but who was I to argue with the love in his eyes). Every time, every single time I saw him or spoke to him he knew me, knew my name, and gave me his love in the words "I love you".

Hospice oversaw his last days. I did not feel I needed to see him dying or dead. I had seen him alive and told him everything I needed to tell. I saw as never before how brilliantly blue his eyes were. Now I am alone in a grief I do not know how to feel. My grief is peppered with the buckshot of my family's lack of support. I don't ask them to even acknowledge his life or death. I presumed they would support me and respect my grief but that was not the case.

This is the saddest place I have ever found in myself. The pure white hot tears and longings of grief for the man I did not hate. The man who, biologically, gave me half of the words I can use to describe, half of the words I can use in duty and responsibility.

Through these many years of him living the same day over and over, unchanging - I find myself wracked with the sadness of my loss. It is my loss. And as the one in my family who is "always there," strong, and reliable, I have found myself adrift without the respect and support I know I deserve.

Thanks for letting me speak. I am in grief for a man who never did not love me even though he opted out of the role of husband and father. My best to you.

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Mineralla:

I read your post and just have to tell you first of all, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry for all that you've suffered with your father and your losing him. Secondly, that I admire and respect you for all that you gave of yourself to your father, your sacrifice. What a true blessing to him you were, regardless of what anyone else thought. You did what you had to do, what your heart guided you to do. Everyone has their own actions to answer for and their own choices to live with. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm speaking as someone who has had much alcoholism in my immediate family, not a parent though. My father chose to leave me at birth, with no alcoholism for an excuse. I have a pretty dysfunctional family. I didn't realize just how dysfunctional until I lost my Mother August 30th, 2005. This grief is the hardest things, the deepest wound I've ever known. I can't imagine having that, with these other things you've shared, included in that. There is no perfect person in this world. Alcoholism is a disease. In some family members, the damage is irreversible and there is no forgiveness. I can only say that you do not carry your grief alone. Coming here, there are many others who truly understand how your heart is breaking. I usually post under loss of a Mother. This forum was one of my first places to post as I've went through some pretty horrible things with family since my Mother's death, as well as before. Hold your head up. You did what you believed to be right for You. It was your choice to do for your father and yours alone. You must grieve. Let it out. You have to vent. I stumbled into this website September 15th. I've never before been in a chat room or on a message board. But this place has been an intricate part of my healing, of which I'm still going through and will for some time, I'm sure. You can talk it out here.

You're in my prayers. Be strong. Hang in there. You're not alone.

Connie

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Miner

Please know that there are some of us out here who do and can feel your pain.

Your letter pretty much sent me into the bathroom to cry for a bout an hour

I lost my dad recently also. My family is no help with the grief burden that I carry. Instead I am constantly called upon to support others. When I broke down and cried to my brother I was shut out of his family completely.

My father commited suicide at the age of 68. He was a wonderfully brilliant and kind person.

No one loved him like I did. No one looks like him like I do... Know one remmbers how he smelled like I do. Miss him I do... every day.

The one thing that sticks out in your posting is how good you were to your father. He was so so lucky to have someone to care for him and love him in his last hours. I didnt get the chance to tell my dad that... He died alone.

We all have some demons that we carry around with us that seek to destroy our inner peace and harmony. Your father's was his dependancy on a substance.. Mine is trying to reconsole a terrible childhood... Yours will be to find the peace to know that you did the VERY best that you could do. My father's... well his demons were surely great... and he fought them till the end. He became physically ill and couldn't stand it any longer.. only a guess.

We don't have the ability to control other's actions. In fact, i'm pretty sure that God and Angels don't even intefere with our free will. Your dad did what he did to himself.

That being said... it still makes you a fatherless child... and that's a terrible place to be. I constantly rewind the tapes in my head of things that I did with my daddy. I hope that one day they will bring me confort. Right now they just bring me tears. I loved him so so very much.... he had no idea how much. I tell him every night that I love him... and i hope that wherever he is he can hear me.

Please know that the feelings you expressed were very much heard and respected here from a nurse in virginia.

All my prayers...

Connie

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another thought...

He never opted out of loving you...That is such a GREAT thing!

Thumb your nose at what others are doing... You do deserve the respect and the damn time to mourn for your dad... YOU TAKE IT....( now I'm really mad and on a role) You go outside their houses and scream... I LOVED MY DAD... that'll fix em.

he may have not had what it took to be a great and wonderful dad... Mine didnt either.. he was weak in many ways... but I know that no matter what his problems were.. .HE LOVED ME.... he loved all things to the point of pain.

Your dad LOVED you..

Are these other people so stupid to not know that alcoholism ... is a disease...

would they hate him so much had he been diabetic... had his feet chopped off... couldn't provide a living because of that????

Man...

( deep breath)

You take care... I've got your back

C

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swede1   

It's been awhile since I've posted on BI, but I'm close to exploding again, so am back. All I feel like doing is swearing, I'm so bloody furious with everyone! My relatives are all totally nuts, self-centered and stupid ( how's THAT for being judgemental? - and I don't really CARE right now! ), and just keep hurting me with their ridiculousness....and so far, I've never retaliated, but secretly WANT to! And the stupid governmental dept. I have to deal with regarding my father's care/issues are just as bad! They don't respond to any of my messages, they don't do ANYTHING of any real use! Same goes for the attending doctor for my father - another one who owes me a call and just isn't bothering. I've been emailing several other people, for personal help, and not ONE of them is even replying! I can't TAKE this ignoring me thing anymore!!! My friends are all useless, even the lone one I expect to know better. When I have a bad day, no one seems to understand why I'm upset by these people....hell, truth-be-told, not one friend EVER calls me. If I don't call them, then NOTHING happens. And it's not like I'm always angry on the phone - in fact, I'm usually making a few jokes, but also don't lie and say I'm fine, but am honest about what's going on with me. I think I strike a pretty decent balance....but no one cares anyway...they all just ignore my feelings. I lived my whole, stinkin' life at home like that, and I honestly can't believe this nonsense is still going on, so many years later, and worse, with other people both related and not, to my stupid family! So why did I post under THIS forum? Because I'm wondering now if the entire WORLD isn't dysfunctional to a GREAT degree, if everyone didn't come from a dysfunctional family. I'm so tired of being treated like a speck of dust.I'm fit to be tied, but can't even DO anything about it!

I also just found out my last brother still has our Mother's, and aunt's and uncle's ashes at his home....2 years after our Mother passed, many years after our aunt passed and about 1/2 a year after our aunt's husband passed. WHAT A PIECE OF WORK HE IS!!! I'll never have a place to go to 'visit' with my Mom or one of my favourite aunts....and my Mom's sister is busy making excuses for this brother's lack of 'doing the right thing' by them!! I could kill them both! I'M JUST SO ANGRY AT SO MANY PEOPLE!!!!

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swede1   

Okay, NOW this board won't let me add to/edit my last post!!! Is EVERYTHING against me?!?!?! I was trying to add that this aunt had the gall to write to me in her letter..."And you think YOU have problems!" This was in response to my letter to her where I was simply saying how hard it was without my Mom yet, and to let her know that my brother's POA was revoked because he wouldn't pay the home where our father is! She came back saying my brother was in dire financial straights - I almost CHOKED!! He's the one who stole our parents' assets, illegally, the recently somehow ALSO got our FATHER'S inheritance from this last uncle who died this year! He's a damn crook, and not only is getting away with it all, but is getting SYMPATHY from the aunt who I'd faithfully maintained contact with for years, while he isolated himself deliberately! I could friggin' SPIT!!

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hurleyta   

Swede 1,

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. I know what it feels like to be ignored and used to cast a HUGE resentment towards my entired family. I grew up in a home where my mother was home being the good housewife/mother and my father worked 3 jobs to support us. We were comfortable, but NOT rich, contrary to the rest of the families belief's.... Any way, I used to feel invisible, as my mom's youngest brother molested me for many, many, many years of my life. I never had a childhood or one that I can really call a childhood, as I was constantly being abused. Then when I went through a VERY hard time in my life and it all came out about my uncle molesting me, the whole family took his side and called me a liar... "It couldn't happen in our family"... Well, it did and it took me MANY years to get ANYONE to believe me... Finally it happened. During this time I was very distructive to myself and my family. I almost made my parents broke, as I took them for a lot of money with my lies and deseption. This was 14 years ago. Now I look back and have an aweful lot of guilt riding on my back. My parents and I have a much better relationship than we did before and my brothers are finally talking to me again. I know that this doesn't compare to your situation, but maybe at some point in your brothers life, he will have to deal with the guilt of stealing from you and your family??? I don't know him or what is behind all that you are talking about. I just felt that I had to share this with you. I know how anger destroyed my life and believe me, I can't stand to harbor it any more. I need to let the people that hurt me know how i feel and why I feel this way. I don't always get the results that I want/need, but at least I don't have it inside anymore. Now it is back on them instead of me. Have you tried to tell your aunt how you feel and why you feel like you do? Have you ever tried to ask your brother why he feels he deserves all that he has stolen from you??? It may not make a difference in your situation, but at least you have tried.

I pray for some peace for you.

Trish

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Swede1, I'm sorry the situation is so painful and frustrating for you. Please, whatever you do, make sure you do what's best for you. If a doctor won't return a call, is there someone above that doctor you can formally complain to? Would it help you if an impartial advocate negotiated so you could either keep your dear mom's ashes, or maybe have better access without the struggles? I'm sorry you've experienced the difficulties with friends, too. A friend is supposed to stand by your side no matter what, and no matter how much sorrow you've been through. I've only known you to be a caring and sincere friend. To me, you deserve to be treated so much better. If spitting would help, please do. Maybe the appropriate person will step into sight as a "worthy" target. Take care of yourself, and nurture yourself even if your family and friends won't. If I can help, I'm here for you. You've done so much for me in my journey, it's a joy to offer a little back to you. My prayers are with you.

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SWEDE1: It feels so good to find you again.... However, I'm sorry that it's under the circumstances of all the unhappiness and feelings of betrayal and anger that you are battling. You do deserve to be treated so much better. Your words of encouragement and love and "grit" have helped me tremendously. I mean, what does your brother think he's going to doing with everybody's ashes, take them with him when he goes? What an odd collection. Sounds like he's the one with a problem!

It is indeed a very dysfunctional world for the most part. You remember all my wonderfully dysfunctional family? I've just gave them up. I'd Rather have strangers for company than "blood relatives". I did file a suit against Mother's estate for the funeral costs though. From here on out, I'm letting the attorney deal with it. The brother's nick name to all of his friends is "Max". I lovingly refer to him as "Maxipad" whenever he is seldomly mentioned between my husband and I. I'm learning to laugh about a lot of it now. All that I did for my Mother, all the love I showed her and care I gave her, that allows me to sleep at night. I can say I did all that I could. He and my other brothers will NEVER be able to say that. They will live with their conscience, as will your brother.

Friend, you are better than he is. Please hang on to that. I know that what you're going through now, the boiling and stewing and feeling like no one cares. The frustration with the medical community, the doctor, communication, that in and of itself is enough to make you want to scream. Is this physician associated with a local hopsital? Clinic? If so, possibly you can get the attention of wherever he is on staff at, maybe an administrator? Someone who might convince him to correspond with you. Do you have an Elderly Protection Service affiliated with law enforcement there? If so, it's possible someone affiliated with them could assist you in getting his attention. One more thought. If he is affiliated with Medicare/Medicaid program, they would probably love to hear from you.

On a lighter note.... Go with me here. Sit back, roll your shoulders a couple of times and read on.... Okay, Felony IS NOT AN OPTION. See, the thing about that is, you'd be in a 6 x 8 cell with a roommate named GRETTA who likes everything you don't. A jury of twelve people that are in no way your peers would find you guilty, because one of them has a soccer game to coach and can't miss it, one has a hair color appointment for the next day, and one is a friend of a friend of one of your relatives, so they'll go with the flow and vote guilty. THEN, if the death penalty is imposed, some one of those people you REALLY don't like right now would end up with YOUR ashes! And then I'm left here without you. So I vote with ALWAYSMYJENNIFER.... SPIT. I was a little tomboy, could climb trees (whenever I could get out of my Mother's sight)and one of my brothers did teach me to spit (which when my Mother found out, we both got our bottoms warmed up a little, he more than I). But now, I don't suppose she'd know anything about it, so if I were there with you, I would SPIT TOO.

Honestly, I think you should write a book. I mean it. It would probably be very therapeutic for you, not to mention how many people, like me and many others know that it's "not just my family". I know it probably doesn't feel like it to you, but from outside looking in, from all you've shared with me, you're a very good example of a survivor. Any proceeds gained from this book could be turned into legal power for whatever you need to do?

How is your furbaby?

Regardless of how crazy everything seems, there is a purpose for your life and it's not to be tortured by those around you. You're in my prayers Friend.

Talk to you later.

Connie

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Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind replies to my post. I felt understood. Not only understood, but I felt the compassion of others who knew the truth and depth that we, the loving wounded, seem to feel so acutely. I drew deeply on my true emotion in writing about Dad. And then I found the place all the years of tears were waiting. And it was a great, cleansing weep for me. I am enjoying a peaceful, accepting separation from him now. No past, no future. No pain - for either of us.

The very best thing: reconnecting with his brother's family. They had love for him and felt the sadness of his passing. We had not been connected for 30 years. We exchanged photographs of our families and our lives.

So I guess reaching out is a first step to exploring the deepest feelings on many occasions in our lives. Thank you again, and may you all find some peace as you reach out, connect, and support one another.

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swede1   

Trish,

Thank you for the empathy, which always helps when one is dealing with such ornery relatives! It took me this long to reply ( and I owe replies to Mark and Connie as well ) because this board wouldn't let me log in, so I COULDN'T post. I'm just hoping it will keep letting me now!

And I'm very sorry you, too, have had some traumatic issues to contend with in your life. I had one incident of incest, too, but very thankfully, my Mom stepped in right away and put a stop to it, so at a very crucial time, she DID support me. But I'm familiar with that "It couldn't happen in our family" symdrome, too, as I don't think she ever told anyone else in the family about it. It was I who told a couple of relatives later in life, and of course, no one got counseling for such things back then, either, so it's still had its effects on me. Luckily, I WAS believed, both when it happened and later...which isn't the norm, I know.

With my brother, I can't even imagine what would, at this late stage, even make him feel guilty, if he doesn't already. He learned from our dad how to be a crook, walk all over people and then whine and pewl about how hard-done-by he is. I can't expect he'll see any return-in-kind for his actions in this lifetime, but can only hope once he's in spirit, it won't be too pleasant for him to finally see how he'd harmed so many.

I think you're right about speaking up for yourself when you're hurt, and this is perhaps where the answer to my problems lie. I need to find ways to do that, assertively, but not meanly, and unfortunately, I'm not well-practiced in that sort of thing, as I had no modeling of how that's done acceptably. So no, I haven't tried that (yet?), but am considering it. Either that, or write letters without any intention of sending them, just to get everything out. This aunt likely would NEVER understand anything, as she's suffering from SOME kind of mental illness now. I DID write a letter to my brother, shortly after our losses, and did try to explain some things he seemed to have misconceptions about ( regarding me ), because when I tried to bring these up on the phone with him, he cut me off short, not wanting to hear my side of anything. He actually said right out that he wasn't interested in that...so he never replied at all, and that's when we became totally estranged. I didn't want to make myself more vulnerable to attack by someone who obviously had no heart. So I doubt if that would work with him, either. Although, I really like the way you put it...

"why he feels he deserves all that he has stolen from you??? " But for someone with a big chip on his shoulder, and resentment towards anyone who has more than he has, it's not hard to figure out. He's just completely self-absorbed and no one else matters.

I'm in the middle of working through a book now that may help me resolve alot of this stuff, both with my deceased family members and with those who are still alive but not a part of my life, so we'll see. Again, thanks for the compassion. It's good to know there are still some decent people around who AREN'T afraid to give of themselves.

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swede1   

Hi Mark,

Long time no chat! Well, that doctor actually finally called me just yesterday - not that it was great news, but at least he called. I'm just glad they're issues about my DAD now, and not my Mom, or I'd really be fit to be tied! However, I'm still going to have to call yet another person now, meaning, the Chief Medical Examiner's office, to find out in advance about autopsies and how all that works. Am going to have to hound the Public Trustee again, though, as she hasn't seen fit to return either of my 2 calls yet. And there's no one who I can go to regarding my Mom's ashes, as my brother IS still one of our parents' children, so has as much right as anyone to just keep them. Plus, he holds the funds that would pay for interment somewhere, from my Mom's estate which was passed to my father, then stolen by this brother. The Public Trustee was the body that was supposed to hunt down these funds, and they simply haven't seen fit to do as much as they have the power to do.

Thanks, though, for the suggestions, and for your continuing care of me. I know you've been going through much sorrow, too, in the last while, and like you, I'll do what I can to listen and offer whatever I can. With these continuing board problems I've been having, I dropped away for quite awhile because it was getting too frustrating trying to post, plus my pain level just went way up with the holidays. Hopefully, I can hang around more again....but only the Board knows...

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swede1   

Okay, Connie, I'm trying this, but when I went to post to you, after Mark, it wouldn't let me log on again, so this first one is just a test.

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swede1   
I mean, what does your brother think he's going to doing with everybody's ashes, take them with him when he goes? What an odd collection.

Connie, ( that last post worked, so I'm trying again... )

Okay, that's my first LOLOLOLOL!!!! Maybe if I start to think about it this way, that will help!! LOL!

As I mentioned to Mark, the doc ( he's the attending doc at the senior's home ) did finally call...but just like with my Mom, there's no changing anyone's minds at these places once they're made up. I was mainly interested in finding out about some of my father's conditions, in case they're inheritable, so I at least got some info. on that. I'm also looking into autopsies, for when he goes, to find out if his dementia is really Alzheimer's or not, but for this I have more calling around to do. Sigh...no one knows nothin' half the time!

On your lighter note.... oh, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!! You really DO have a sense of humour I can relate to! TOO funny, Connie!!

Write a book? Well, maybe, someday, but first I must work through every loss I've ever had, in order to maybe be happy one day....not alot of experience with that.

Our gal-pal has been almost constantly ill, bladder-wise at a minimum, ever since the fall, so it's been very hard on me in every sense. She just had another homeopathic remedy a few days ago which has increased her energy level again....a blessing that I haven't seen for SO long, so I'm just going to enjoy that while it lasts. I'm still constantly anxious about her, though, and know she feels that lousy energy coming off me, so I'm trying to find some BIG answers to the BIG questions, so that maybe I can calm down for her. Thanks for asking about her, BTW.

There's more to catch up on, but it's dinner time already and I'm scared this is going to time-out on me.......so for now I'll just take everyone's advice and have a nice, big SPIT!!! It's nice to be back, but if this board keeps messin' with me, I might have to suddenly disappear again!

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SWEDE1: lolololololoL

Tip: (I learned the hard way.) If you're taking a little more than a few minutes to type in a post or you have to get away from computer for a few minutes, highlight your entire post then click onto Edit and then click on to copy. I usually just start my post over and then click paste and it's saved there until next time or you shut down. Hope that helps.... See ya later.

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DeeAnn   

Connie...

I do love your spirit and your ability to use humor in desperate times. It's gotten me through so much too!

Take good care...

DeeAnn

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DeeAnn:

Thanks for your comment. I've found that developing a sense of humor helped bring me out of my extreme shyness as a child and helped me tremendously in handling being in the working world. Now, it has come to me at a rather odd time of my life, such a sad point, some days I cry, but I do find laughter again and I thought that part of me was gone forever. Guess it's my personal survival instinct. I try to be careful not to diminish the seriousness of someones situation here, but if you can look at the bigger picture and laugh at some of it, sometimes it can make the day a little smoother. Hope I never offend anyone. If I do, I hope they tell me, because it's certainly not my intent. Honestly, with all the recent turn of events that the death of My Mother has brought on in my family, my rage almost consumed me, until humor kicked in.

Connie

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Hi all,

I am new here, but can so relate. I lost my parents and have only a sister that is so toxic, I can't maintain a relationship with her.

It makes things hard, as I often times feel alone.

I also try to maintain a sense of humor.

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Guest Guest   
Guest Guest

I just became a member and have never been to a forum. Everyone keeps saying I need to deal with my feelings of anger and resentment toward my father who has been dead since 1999. I now live back in the same city where he is buried. I told myself I would never go see his grave and I did not attend his funeral even though I knew where it was and it would have taken me minutes to get there. This is how much I hated my father. I know I need to forgive to move on but I dont feel he deserves for me to go to his grave. How much good will it do me really.

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DeeAnn   

Dear Guest,

I'm sorry to hear about the relationship you had with your dad that has led to this struggle you now have with your feelings after his death. If you feel it would serve you no purpose to go to his grave, then I wouldn't do it. There were obviously things that happened that hurt you deeply, and I hope you're able to find a way to resolve those feelings so you can move on with life without the weight of this burden you now feel. Forgiveness is often for the person forgiving more so than the person we are forgiving of a wrong. I hope you will be able to find a way to forgive him so YOU can be released from the bonds of hatred you now feel. It's not an easy thing to let go of, but it is freeing and empowering. And it's a choice. As it is now, he still has power over you because of the emotional energy you are investing in the hatred. Take that power back and put it into something positive by resolving that you will not allow him to continue to have any control of your emotions. That's easy to say and difficult to do, and perhaps it would even be helpful to seek the advice of a professional counselor as you work through these feelings.

I wish you success in dealing with these past hurts, and I wish for you peace. Please let us know how you're doing. Take care...

DeeAnn

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I dont really even think about him but there are times when i realize i act like him and its irritating because my mother always points it out. I never had closure after his death and i feel as though my emotions run along the same lines as his. I dont want to be weak like he was. Like father like daughter. He bothers me more now that hes dead like hes haunting me through my actions without me even realizing.

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DeeAnn   

Dear joselsmagik,

You have a huge advantage over him though. You're able to *see* the quirks in your personality and will, therefore, be able to redirect them into something positive. We're all a product of our pasts, and knowledge and insight are powerful things. Use them to your advantage and know that you ARE NOT your father. Do you have the type of relationship with your mom where you can simply ask her *not* to say you are acting like him? If so, I would do that, and maybe it would at least cut down on the "jabs." Please take good care of yourself...

DeeAnn

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