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Hi Rachael. My wife is in cardiac unit of the hospital. The dystrophy is now in her heart. Serious stuff. Thank you for writing. Take the day, the moment, and see the beauty in all of it. Take care of you. You're one of a kind.

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I lost both my parents within a few months and feel a lot of guilt. My father was ill for two years and I became the trusted one in the family to be there and offer care and help with his ilness and personal affairs. I see now that instead of being emotionally present , especially for my mother, I let bitterness keep me focussed on how difficient my sister, her husband and children were. I had spent years being viewed as the blacksheep and I used my new role as a way to vent all my hatred and frustration. As a result I wasted a lot of precious time I could have used to uplift my parents and let them know the family loved and supported them. My mother had health issues herself and when Dad died it became apparent that she had been in some kind of la la land of denial. I brought her from florida to va. hoping her health would improve and allow her to grieve, but it was a constant battle with her stubburn determination not to take care of herself in a realistic way. I told her how much I loved her all the time and nearly killed myself between emrgency room visits and hospital stays. She focussed so much on her dog, which made her fall several times and refused to see that it was a danger to her and a huge stress on the rest of us that had to keep things going, praying that there would not be another fall should we dare to blink. It may be that mom died of a broken heart but I feel responsible for not giving her the presence of upliftment ,free of gossip and ill will. Now my heart is broken and I also feel shamed. I must have been in la la land myself not to see how my bitterness dragged my parents down. Instead , I gave my ego a false sense of superiority and did'nt give the the best or most loving care I could. I don't feel forgiveness nor do I think I deserve it.

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Wildereader, I'm so sorry you have suffered such a devastating loss, of both your parents. Perceptions play the most determining roles in how we deal with the death of our parents. You wrote you were viewed as the black sheep, and I wonder if it's the family's perception or yours, or both. This means a lot in how you handle grief. You obviously love them, and gave such care to your Mom after your Dad passed away. The most important thing to see is that you made the attempt to right things with your Mom, and to lovingly care for her. Caring for a person with a long term illness isn't easy, and I would never say you were in a "la la land" about anything from your past or how you cared for her. I see the strain in caring for my wife, who has a serious illness which can turn deadly without warning. We may say or do things that we regret, but we try to make amends, then go on. While you believe now that you wasted time in bitterness, perhaps may I ask if it was one of the things that kept your family from more difficulties? This may be something you will eventually search your heart to find, but I'm not implying you give us that answer. That is an issue for your heart. Please know that we all mess up as humans, and fail others, especially our parents. Lord knows, I have. You have done nothing that would deserve unforgiveness, but tender love from your family, and yes, forgiveness and understanding for the past perceptions. In time, as you work through this journey of grief, you will find the strength and peace to talk to your sister. Perhaps, there will be a new bond of love, stronger than ever. My thoughts and prayers are with you for all you need.

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Thankyou Alwaysmyjennifer for your insights. Sometimes as you probrably know, it is hard to see past the emotional box in grief. Thankyou for the obvious thought you put into your response....I needed to hear some of the things you said. People closest to me have'nt been much help. I feel a mixture of anger and guilt towards them. I am going to share your thoughts with them. Again..thanks.

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Wildereader, while we experience grief, we feel many emotions, like fear, guilt, anger, sadness. May this all work out with your family. The pain of grief eases like you've taken an aspirin, and its strength fades like summer's last flower. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Hi, Swede1, I'm happy to give you a twisted giggle. I have to now tell you the bad stuff. My wife was taken to hospital last night for a possible heart attack. It looks like her dystrophy is effecting her heart. It's serious, but not quite as bad as a heart attack. I'm still a nervous wreck. I wish this miserable illness would go away! I went to my doctor, and he's all worried because the stress has my blood pressure very high. We're surviving, though. Film at 11. I hope you're well today. Take care of you, and spoil yourself a little. You deserve it. Me

My hopes and prayers are with you and your wife...Sometimes bad things happen together, and hopefully for you this will be it, your wife will be fine, but take care of yourself as well.. Cindy

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Wow guys WHY does family suck???? It has almost been a year and many of my family members still balme me for John's death, now they have added I have to live with myself and what I did could have done and should have done. My God are they studid or what?

As far as mothers go mine sounds like the true ICE QUEEN, I havn't spoke to her for a couple of months now since she said I need to stop crying and get over it...

I have decided to keep away from people who hurt you therefore I have a small family now and it has made the most horrible thing that can happen to us a little smoother journey.

Mark, lanvener tell me about it please. I have lavender through out my home what does it mean? Email me if you would.

My advise to all is to stay away from people who hurts you and who wants to battle, I have no more fight in me I know this...

I pray for those angry mean people I think they need it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If it wasn't for the support of my husband, counsler, friends here and with me know I would have given up not long ago, as all numbness is gone and I am so raw.

JCSmom sometimes we have to cut the ties that bind, especially if they are hurting us. It is fortunate that we can find kindness and support elsewhere if it isn't from our own family. I know what you mean, and I hope you are doing ok. Cindy

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Cindy, good thought. Sometimes, when we cut that cord, our family wakes up and faces their dysfunction. Maybe they even do something about it. It's not easy to rebuild a family relationship, but I'm trying it (slow process). But, like many here, I've found my "family" to be some very dear friends I hold so precious to my heart. My best to you. Mark

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jscmom   

Cindy and Mark, I did it I cut the cord of the last family member that has created more hurt with sheep clothes on.

It has been a year since the first have left now the last two.

I feel so lonely we had a large family. I do thank God for whom I have left and my dear friends 2 I have known for over 30 years my family.

Pray for me to stay strong, not a cold heart, a warm one that still accepts love and kindness.

Lucette

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lilly50   

I hope you do not mind my writing this in several areas of your forum but I read a book recently called "Song Of Cy: Understanding Grief" and it has helped me to cope with the loss of my beautiful grand daughter Amelia.

I am a member of Whiskey Creek Press publishers, and avidly read thier romances.

However at the beginning of October I noticed a book that was non-fiction that dealt with grief. Though I have read other books dealing with grief, this one touched me personally as well as to give me guidelines and helped me to understand so much of what is going on inside of myself as well as my family.

The authors name is Katlyn Stewart. She has done an amazing job in hitting the nail on the head in helping parents,grandparents and even friends understand what happens when we grieve,

I highly recommend it and will post this in several areas in the hope that it will help just one person like it did me.

Also on the Whiskey Creek page was her web addresss- http://katlynstewart.com. If you have a chance, read this book.

Thank you,

Lilly

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rhonda68   

I am writing to you as my last resort I feel so helpless maybe someone understands this. My son was killed in February at age 19 there have been so many complications and I am tired right out. I left an abusive marriage about 5 years ago and had custody of both of my boys I looked after them all the time as my ex was more interested in running around with internet girlfriends than visiting his kids. I have paid for all of his funeral expenses as his dad refused to have any part in this and 2 days after the funeral he took one of his internet girlfriends on a holiday to mexico. As my son was only 19 there was no will but this had made things very hard as both mom and dad could apply for his assests which wasnt much not even close to the funeral bill well i fought and I won that battle and put his assests on the funeral bill. Also my son had started a job with his uncle that was on his fathers side ( this uncle and his aunt were always telling me what a jerk there brother was) they pretended to be my friend. This uncle had also confinced my son what to do with his life insuance plan as my son thought at the time it was abig joke like anything was ever going to happen to him he put his brother as beneficiary who is a minor and left it in trust to his uncle. Well now it appears that his brother does not have any right to this money but the uncle can take it when he wants. Also this relationship with the uncle,aunt and my son was deteriorating and my son was really starting to dislike them. After the funeral these people the aunt and uncle will not have anything to do with me or my other son and I just feel like who do you trust. I only want what is right and I know my son would want me and his brother happy and these people not bothering us as he always was trying to protect us. I dont know what to do anymore and these people are making my pain alot worse where is the justice in all of this wasnt losing my son enough well they could never make me hurt as bad as the night I got that phone call. Does anyone have any suggestions to not let these people bother me or my son anymore and let my other son rest in peace!

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Rhonda68, I am first of all sorry you are being harassed in this way when they should be supporting you in your time of loss and grief. This tells me a whole book on their characters. Unfortunately, while you know I was in foster care as a kid for several years, and I'm pretty much a ghetto kid (this was so I could have people who care about me), I came from a wealthy family, who got their _______ money the wrong way. For my own personal peace, my choice was to live in my way, and stay away from their money. This may not be the proper choice for you, because this money is yours, your son's, not theirs. Even though money is placed legally in trust to an adult, that adult is compelled by law to ensure that all (100%) of that money is used for the minor intended in the trust. If your son's uncle tries to use this money for himself, you may, depending on your state laws, be entitled to sue him or have him convicted of embezzlement. This is stressful, I know. I'm sorry I can sometimes talk like a street wise punk, but I am concerned for you and your son. Take a little time, and check into these laws, just to see if you have recourse in this instance. I'm not saying they are using the money yet, and you haven't either, but it's like they are holding it over your head, and for what? They are not entitled to it, your son alone is. When he turns 18, it's his without their control. I really don't want to upest you, but this sounds like they just want to use the money to make you miserable. If it's a large 5 or into a 6 digit sum, get a lawyer, and see if you can protect the money for your son. If it's only a small sum, say 10 grand, you may be able to walk away from it better than all the stress of fighting for it. This is a matter of weighing the value of how much it will benefit your son. Yes, it's his, but even still, it almost looks like a typical money thing when there is a death in a family = people getting greedy. Your older son believed he could trust his uncle's integrity, when you now see that there is a likelihood that he may have motives.

If I can help you at all, feel free to ask. I'm willing to help you all I can. My very best to you, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Rhonda68:

To you, first I offer my sincere condolences for the loss of your son. I certainly cannot say that I know that pain. I am a mother. I do have one 26 year old son. I can't even begin to comprehend that pain. I have lost a brother and did witness my Mother's broken heart. That grief in and of itself is more than your heart should have to bear. It's a shame that selfishness, greed and vengence have to show up when a death takes place. I'm experiencing that in an entirely different way with a couple of my brothers, following my Mother's death. Nonetheless, the overwhelming fog that you're caught up in is very unfortunate. Like the very good response from ALWAYSMYJENNIFER, see what your legal recourse is, If the money is a large enough amount to put your energy into, it was meant for your son, do what you must do. I work in a legal (not an attorney, but in court every day with civil and criminal cases)setting and I know that in my homestate, you can contest the selection of a Trustee. With the right attorney, presenting enough reasons for this person's inabilities, the Court could appoint someone else. If you do this, turn it over to an attorney, make sure their reputable and let him/her handle it and know that it will take time to resolve. You've enough to do, dealing with your loss.

The people that are in your life now, if they are not a positive for you and can't offer the support and love that you need now, separate yourself from them. You need positive, encouraging influences. I'm finding that for today, to get through my grief, I'm laying down a few relationships because they are detrimental to my mental health, they are hurtful and cause controversy and turmoil, the last thing we need right now. This doesn't have to be a life long decision, but do what you must for now, to get through today. Trust your instincts.

You're in my prayers. You're not alone.

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rhonda68   

Dear Alwaysmyjennifer and Clittlelady thank you so much for your responses you have no idea what this has meant for me. People that actually understand I have been really feeling like just throwing in the towel i have no fight left in me and it is hard to find people to talk too! Why do some people have the need to be so controlling ofothers I dont get it?

Love,

Richardsmom Oct 9,1985 - February 23,2005

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swede1   

Rhonda68,

Why? Here's my theory....because they don't have any understanding of why they are here...because they don't believe that what goes around comes around...because they have their own problems from their own histories but haven't figured out, or don't want to, why or how to keep the good and give up the bad...because their own lives are so miserable and empty and so they try to control other people's lives instead of looking at their own...because they've decided that attack is more productive than love...because they've abdicated themselves from their own responsibility to account for their own actions....because essentially, they're sick in their heads because of all the above and so don't learn and grow. And probably many more reasons. And all of that helps you how? It doesn't change what they do to us, it only give us pause to reflect and then let them go if we want. It helps us detach from their personality quirks and deficiencies if we determine we have to or want to fight back for our own rights. It helps protect our feelings of hurt to some extent.

The advice from Clittlelady and Alwaysmyjennifer is sound. Do what your heart tells you is right for YOU and your son. Many of us, including me, are going through similar situations with our relatives, in my case my last remaining brother, so know that you're not alone, as this helps, too. It doesn't make our battles any less unpleasant and hurtful, but it helps to know we're not the only ones.

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rhonda68   

Thank you swede1 for your explanation it helps so much for people to tuly understand this crap! Thanks to the 3 of you I have at least gained enough courage to make an appointment with a laywer to see what can be done. Unfortunately I dont have much money and that is what its probably going to take. I just want what is right I know my son would want things to be right and every penny better go to my other son.

Love you and your in my thoughts!

Rhonda

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swede1   

Rhonda68,

Glad it helped! And good for you, making that appointment! If it helps any further, I'll likely never see any inheritance from my parents and I've been told it could cost up to $30,000 to fight my brother, even WITH lots of evidence of foul play...and for an uncertain sum to be had, as my brother has likely either hidden it or spent it by now. I STILL haven't checked with a different lawyer as yet, because it's not only depressing as hell, but I've been trying to stay out of that kind of stressful experience, for the sake of my health AND my karma!

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Rhonda, I am happy to hear you will be able to at least talk to a lawyer about this. You'll most likely find this to be the best approach. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, but if this is a burden, I'm willing to help you as much as I can with the cost, if you'd like me to do that for you. It's just a little thing I can do to make your situation a little easier to get through. Like I say, I don't want to upset you or offend you, but only make an offer.

Take care, and God bless. Mark

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rhonda68   

Dear alwaysmyjennifer I am not upset or offended by your offer. I am sure you have lots of expenses as well I could not take your money. Thank you for your kind offer.

Richards Mom

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Guest Guest   
Guest Guest

(the boards wont let me log in, if i come back later as sweetpea1995, some of you might remember my story, you might not, just giving a heads up). im not sure if what i've got going counts as truly dysfunctional, but i'm willing to give it a shot, because i could use some help at the moment. the thing is, my family isn't so dysfunctional, my parents are usually ok, they used to argue a lot and my mom left for a day or two once, but they went through counseling and resolved their differences and now they hardly fight at all. but my sister had a genetic disorder, so her mental state wasn't the best, she'd get overstimulated easily, then just shut down, and while she was 9 years old, she had the mental state of maybe a 5 year old. no one figured it out for a while, but i had a few disorders of my own, mainly a severe anxiety disorder which caused panic attacks, sometimes random, sometimes stress-related. becuase of my sister, my parents expected me to be more responsible, and were treating me as if i were an adult, when really the whole thing started when my sister was born and i was 4 years old. last year, my sister suddenly passed, and PTSD made my disorder worse, causing me to mentally shut down. now, i'm making improvements, but the one year anniversary of my sister's death is a week from tomorrow, and i'm afraid the same thing will happen again. if there's one thing i want to avoid, it's being stuck back in that hopeless area i was sucked into last year. if anyone has any ideas on what i can do to try and not cause a panic attack, i'd appreciate it. again, i'm not entirely sure if this is the right board for me, forgive me if i'm on the entirely wrong board, i'm 14 and kinda new to this whole online support group thing. i've already posted on the grief of a sibling board, but thought i might give this a shot as well.

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Hi everyone

melissa.. I'm very sorry to hear about your father . I lost my dad 9 months ago to suicide. It hasn't gotten easier.

My questions for all of you out there are many.

My mother is angry and cries and screams at ME all the time. My brother has told me that he hates me and his entire family. The family that I grew up in has vanished. I've realized that I didnt have much of one to begin with. There was never a kind word of encouragement for anything that I've ever done other than from my dad. My mother constantly critcized and found fault with me and him. My brother has always been her baby. Hey... this sounds a little like a dysfunctional family unit like i studied in psychology.

My mother told me today that SHE HAD LOST HER HUSBAND.. and losing my father is not as painful as what she is going through. She then took Ativan and drove a vehicle to her friends house. When I caught up with her there she was totally looped. I tried to get her to go to see her dr. Who wants her in the hospital. She makes comments like " I've got enough pills here to do me in too"...

How can I look after her and my family and work and miss my dad? How do I even begin to go on and get through with this process of grief when everyone around me seems to be so wrapped up in hate? IS it normal for families to fall apart like this? My brother also tells me that I am not allowed to talk to my neice or nephew... When I asked him why he said " it's just best i don't want you around my family" We have never argued.. he lived his life and I lived mine.. we saw each other on special events... went out to eat together... things like that.. but now.. for some reason he has decided that he hates me.

I've not only lost my dad.. but the rest of my nuclear family also. I'm tired of being &**^^% on. I'm starting to feel the effects of all this.

Cant sleep... Cant eat.

My mother who has told me in no uncertain terms that I am not to come to her for support leaves me at least 8 voice mails a day crying and screaming for help. I can't even go to the grocery store without her calling me.

She calls me at work.. but yet tells me when I'm upset that I need to see a shrink to get my feelings out.

I recently found out that she argued with my father the morning that he shot himself. She confided in me that she told him that if he couldn't " get happy" he should just call the vet and be put to sleep like they had to do with their dog.

My heart is so heavy... My husband is worried about me. I've seen a counselor and a minister... doesn't change the facts that things are bad.

Another thing.... My mother had my husband and myself drive her for the reading of my father's will. She had me then go again to the lawyer's office for the re writing of the will. I just sat there. She appointed the attorney as the executor of the estate. This i felt was a good decision because should anything ever happen to her I won't have to deal with my brother. My brother has been pushing for the last several months to do away with the lawyer.. and Now I find that the will was changed.

I am trying to find a way to disinherit myself. I want out of this family.

I really want out of the pain.

My husband thank god is from a normal family.... I always ask him questions about these experiences... are they normal... did you hear what my mom said.

He is in total disbelief of how they treat me. He wants to write them both letters.. have them sent from a lawyer and tell them to leave me and him alone.

I have a hard time with that since my mom is the only parent that i have left.

Oh well...

I survived thanksgiving and christmas without a word from my brother.

I Survived it without my dad...

I guess One more person gone from my life won't make that big of a difference.

Any bit or pieces of encouragement are welcomed here.

(Post ID: 31650)

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