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What's going on Rachael? Are you okay? You are above them. Anyone who would diminish your sorrow is beneath you. You are a wonderful young lady. I'm sorry this is so painful, and then has to be miserable on top of it. I'll be praying for you. hugs, Mark

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swede1   

Daughterrachael,

I've often entertained the idea that since so much time has passed since I talked to my remaining brother, maybe now would be a good time to write him a DIFFERENT kind of letter from my last one. That one was from the heart, soft and honest, and dealt mainly with restating my status and relationship with our Mother and my place in the family, plus asking for his cooperation in certain things. My counselor always said that I would still have the other option of showing him my anger later on, and I wonder if that's a good idea now. The only thing is, I would have to write it in a certain, careful way, stating my feelings but w/o assigning any blame...and unfortunately, that's not how I REALLY feel, as I DO blame him, mightily, for being the way he chooses to be. Plus, I don't have much practise in this kind of 'proper' expression of anger. And of course, it could just make things worse...although I can't imagine HOW at this point! My last letter, however, he interpreted, or just lied about how it was written, as a letter about me "COMPLAINING"!!! That's what he told a family friend. I reread it, just to see how in the world he could have come up with such a thing, and COULDN'T see it. I sent a copy of it to this friend as well ( just looking out for my own reputation there ) and he didn't understand it, either. So, with people who choose to be those ways, there's often nothing one can do to change their ways of thinking and viewing the world. My husband and I know that this brother just CHOOSES to view the entire world as OWING him, because he has one handicapped leg, so everyone's the enemy, no one could possibly hurt as much as him, and we're all gonna PAY for the lousy quality of his life ( the life he built himself, of course, but he doesn't recognize that as valid ). While I CAN understand some of why he feels this way, what I can't understand is why he would push away any and all attempts from others to be nice to him DESPITE his harsh personality. He's driven away every single person who tried to be a friend, because we all OWE him the luxury of allowing him to be an A** and walk all over us, and that's the filter he's put on everything. But I always wonder if there are any words that could really get through to him, even at this late stage. On the other hand, with the way he is, I don't really WANT him in my life anyway, to screw things up, screw me around...what I really want is just a brother who isn't an a** to begin with! (LOL!) I know we're supposed to ( because it helps US ) apply acceptance and understanding to even the most abrasive people, but you know...it's...just...tough to do, when they're SO abrasive! I managed it with my Mom, but she also had LOVING moments, not JUST abrasive ones. SHE cried plenty whenever one of her siblings died ( a big family; she was the 5th born and the 5th to die ), but the only comment MY brother made when OUR brother died ( and there were only 3 of us ) was "If he hadn't DIED, at least I'd have some HELP here!" ( said as he was busy raking in our parents' money and dealing with the last of their possessions....when he HAD the clear option of stopping the house sale in its tracks and taking it slow and more organized ). I'm pretty sure the only one he's ever shed a tear for is himself.

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Swede1, In talking to another friend, who has guilty feelings about family, I said that we can't do anything about our past, and what we've done. We can only do something about our present, and the way we react to our current circumstances. Our reactions indicate our true character, and our willingness to change the character of who we were. For your brother, you can't change him, no matter how you try. You can only change yourself. Never change for the worse, to stoop to his level, but always strive to better yourself. I have a difficult time seeing how you can better the person YOU are, but I guess you can see a little thing somewhere to improve. You're a gift to humanity. Be soft with him in that letter, and you're wise to keep copies. I must now, also. If it fails, I'll send you a pail of lavender, and you know what to do.

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Swede1

My brother is the SAME WAY. I have always been told that he will never change and Mark is right, if anything you have to change and understand that he might never come around and he may never see your side of things. I am just starting to see that for myself with my brother. My father is on his death bed and my brother says he can't come cause there is too much traffic when he gets out of work and is just too busy on the weekends. Makes me sick. I would write that letter and say things the way you REALLY want to say them and then burn it or just put it away and read it when you need to. That letter will just give him more to hold against you. My brother would. Sorry to sound so negative.

Mark, well as you can see I am angry today, at my brother and my mother. She is still not speaking to me even after I made some small attempts to be nice to her. I had some paper work of hers and this morning she can over to my desk (remember I work with her) and she asked for it, I gave it to her and she left. Why can't she just ask me how I am doing. Maybe ask if there is anything she can do to help me out...NOPE! She cares to much about herself and her feelings.

When my father finally passes and she dare tries to step in and pretend to be this caring mother I am not going to allow it. She does not deserve to be a part of my life at this point. I still feel guilty and sad about feeling this way but I have to protect myself from her and my brother ever hurting me any more than they already have.

I am falling in love with my Tommy more and more each day. He is giving me such love and support, I can't wait till we are married. So I don't NEED my mother to be concerned or care I just WANT her too. There is a big difference.

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daughterrachael, is it possible that you are taking the brunt of your mother's hostility for her anger toward your Dad? If she's angry at your Dad about things pertaining to their marriage (and it's termination, and his remarrying), she may be transferring her anger to you, simply by your relationship to your Dad. When he passes, you may find a moderate attempt on her part to gain your emotional favor. If so, this may be based on your willingness to gain "closure" with your Dad. This is paramount to leaving your Dad in Heaven, and having no more to do with him. I can see you having nothing to do with this. Just thought I'd see if you see this happening, or not?

I am with you in being sick over your brother being "unable" to visit your Dad because of (all things) traffic. Love will go any distance for the one we love. I was in Wyoming once, and even though I don't get along with my parents all that well (you've read it), I pushed my rig way too much to get back because he had a heart attack. Love does this. Traffic is nothing to love. I want you to be angry, very angry today. I'm right behind you in this. You have the right, more the obligation to be angry, not just for yourself, but for your beloved Dad. He's a great guy! Love him dearly, even though it hurts. We're here for you.

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I think you might be right. She feels we all blame her for the divorce and we just think my dad is so great. My dad has faced the things he did wrong as a parent and owned the responsibility without making excuses. My mother can't do that. She is a very jealous person. I am not mad that she wanted to divorce him, I am mad at how she went about it. She was so wicked in her motives and took all his money. She told me he was a terrible person and at 8 years old I believed her. I still am very angry. I want to just go off and tell her how I feel but it will do no good. She will just defend her actions and twist it all around to make me think I am the crazy one. I submitted my resume for a new job. I can't work in the same company with her anymore. Please help me pray I get this job. Hope everyone is doing better than I am this week.

I wanted to bring up that I have been struggling with the urge to drown my sorrows and feeling in either, drinking alcohol, eating junk food, shopping (this is my mothers escape and is now filling bankruptcy)or getting high off pot. I have fought them all. Eating and Drinking are the strongest and I have fallen to them through this year. I have had problems in the past with drinking and drugging. It's so hard to just feel and try to copy without doing something to numb myself. I also struggle with smoking butts. I just don't know what to do with myself cause I have no motivation to do anything that is good for me.

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swede1   

Daughterrachael,

Woo-HOO!! You are SO taking steps to help yourself that speak to motivation to do things that are good for you! What else is trying to find another job, away from your mother, all about?! What else is talking on these boards about? So you can't do everything at once...so what? Most people can't.

I,too, ate a lot of poor food this last year, my 'comfort', and now have a stupid 10 lbs. to lose! I've always been small, so this really sucks, and I've made myself feel worse by doing so! I've also drank more than normal this year, but it's settling down now so I'm not too concerned. And I still smoke, which I'm not happy about but haven't been able to quit yet. Hey, under pressure, many of us do stupid things to ourselves...as long as it's not steady and we don't feel like we can no longer control it, no big deal for awhile. However, if you feel out of control with anything, go get some help for it. You may have an addictive personality, likely learned from your mom.

For what you've already done, I say GOOD for you! In the face of what you're going through, that's a victory, so COUNT it as one! And yes, I pray you will find another position, too. That would do you wonders. Keep pluggin', gal. LOVE yourself for taking steps to show that you love yourself!

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daughterrachael, good! You're smoking a cigarette instead. I'm a former acid addict, so please forgive me if I get preachy. You're doing well on this, and you have set your boundaries with your mother, and your priorities with the dope. If I can help you see the greatest motivation, just look in front of you. He's that handsome guy who you're marrying. I am the ultimate addict, and I fight it daily, even though I've been clean since 1980 (sober since 1991). I was an addict in junior high school, and I know it's hell to fight. I believe in you, that you can find the inner strength to do the best thing. I'm not telling you to stop smoking now, but use that to help you find that one route to stay away from the trash. I'd rather you smoke than do drugs. Your Dad would be so proud of you, knowing you're clean. Just take the moment, and live only in it. Don't look ahead too far, like you're trying to live too many days at a time, or worrying about tomorrow. You can do nothing about yesterday, or tomorrow. You can only be the best of you now, today. I'm praying for you.

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You guys just made me feel very good about myself, I lay the quilt on thick when it comes to beating myself up. I am 99% free from smoking, when I am out and have a few drinks I break down and have a few. I kept pot out of my house and my hands for a while cause I know it makes me more depressed (like I need that)Comfort food is killer. I am very tall and can carry my weight well but I want to stay healthily. I am a couch potato!

Tommy keeps me straight. I would never want to hurt him. We are each others world. We are commited to being here for the long run. He needs to be able to trust that I will not F up. He is a pretty straight guy, I corrupted him if anything, but he still is a good clean cut guy. He knows my past and accepts it all. Not many people would, I still don't.

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You can do nothing about your past, to change who you were, or what you did. You can only change your present, who you are now, and what you do today, to make yourself a better person.

Rachael, I see you continuously growing, reaching for more and better. While some painful things lie in your path, your growing, sweet spirit will keep you looking for the good, not just in the world, but in yourself. There is much about you that reminds me of someone I knew a long time ago, although you didn't go through much of what I suffered. Take care of yourself, and Tommy, and we'll talk later. me

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swede1   

Daughterrachael,

My former husband was just more of the same kind of crap that I had in my family, but luckily I made a better choice in my current partner and that's gone a LONG way in helping me...especially since my 3 losses. Although we still have work to do on ourselves, it's obvious our partnership has been a step in evolution, for both of us. If not for him, I wouldn't have had the courage to disown everyone but my Mom, and although he had great reservations about me even renewing my relationship with her, he knew I had to do what I saw fit to do for myself....and thank God for all of that! So really celebrate your fiancee's presence in your life! Marriage can be really tough, as tough as the crap in your family at times (there's always some baggage you drag with you), but your commitment to each other will see you through if you never lose sight of THAT. As long as you both work to keep it uppermost in your minds, you'll be fine. I'm so glad you've found someone to witness your life with you, which is the single most important thing we do for each other. Think on what you have NOW when you're hurting. This is advise from someone who has a hard time living in the present, so trust me when I say it helps! In fact, if you write down, every evening, all the little things that you got that day for which you're grateful, you'll be surprised after a few weeks at how much easier it is to cope with the bad stuff.

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jscmom   

Wow guys WHY does family suck???? It has almost been a year and many of my family members still balme me for John's death, now they have added I have to live with myself and what I did could have done and should have done. My God are they studid or what?

As far as mothers go mine sounds like the true ICE QUEEN, I havn't spoke to her for a couple of months now since she said I need to stop crying and get over it...

I have decided to keep away from people who hurt you therefore I have a small family now and it has made the most horrible thing that can happen to us a little smoother journey.

Mark, lanvener tell me about it please. I have lavender through out my home what does it mean? Email me if you would.

My advise to all is to stay away from people who hurts you and who wants to battle, I have no more fight in me I know this...

I pray for those angry mean people I think they need it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If it wasn't for the support of my husband, counsler, friends here and with me know I would have given up not long ago, as all numbness is gone and I am so raw.

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jscmom, hi! I've been so out straight tending to something, I've had little time to write to you. I'm sorry for that. Why? I think people get an idea they think is good, but like Adolf Hitler, they just take it too far. I don't like to discuss the family I grew up in, and you know why. I love the family my wife and I have. They are my world. I'll email you about the lavender. It's not bad, just that to spare the others from reading such a thing, I don't want to upset anyone who may be sensitive. Never give up, my friend, because the grief is a process. We get through it. I know the emptiness always remains, but the intense pain is said to subside. My best to you, with a hug.

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jscmom   

AlwaysmyJennifer (Mark) Thanks for your reply. Well today my daughter and neice gave me a small BD party, no others family members by blood, yet new family by choice my dear friends.

It was a nice time as we remembered John, hugged and played with my two granddaughters. I did want anyone to leave their support was so generous and helpful.

So today is the last time I spoke to my John..I hang on to his words as it was all I had left our last conversation. I hold on to his complete happiness in his voice and his dreams. I hope Shannon can make it today I afraid to email her or call her I don't want to add to her plate. I hope John get to her today to comfort her.

Take care Mark and all who write here.

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jscmom, Lucette, happy birthday! A birthday hug to you. It's so good to have those close to be with us. I am blessed with my children, all of them, and my grandson. Call Shannon, and say hi. Let her know you are thinking of her. Nothing more. Not a lot of to do, but just a little caring. My best thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark

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I can relate to families that are completely insensitive. I haven't spoken to my sister since the day of my daughter's funeral and she only showed to "do the right thing" She didn't even recognize my daughter in her casket because she had ignored her for almost two years prior due to a family issue that had nothing to do with my daughter. My daughter worked at Burger King and my sister would go there often. Ashley would say "Hi Auntie" and my sister would ignore her. My brothers basically ignore the fact that I could still be hurting and would love to hear from them just to say hi, how are you. My mom told me that I needed to "get over it" three weeks after Ashley died. I have since forgiven that because I know my mom just wanted me not to hurt. In her day, that's what people did. My grandmother lost her son years ago and she went right to work, but now I know my grandmother never "got over it" She had a bitterness to her till the day she died that I don't want to have. I think it is important to take your time grieving and I know it will never be "over"

I too have a new "family". I don't know what I would have done without my friends. Whoever said blood is thicker than water, didn't know what they were talking about. Peace to all.

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Ashleysmom, after growing up in the "family" I had, I can only say that family isn't all it's cracked up to be. I'm so sorry your's treats you so poorly. Don't 'get over it'. She's your baby girl. It's just how I feel all too often about Jenni. Your grandmother was bitter because life was hard, it was a time of wars, and our nation was poor from them. Everyone had to work, and nobody had the luxury of taking a month off to grieve. I feel saddened for her and your family. This is no reason to treat you in such a way though. Your family should give you the dignity allowed a Mom who lost her daughter. In many ways, I'm thankful for foster care, and some of the misery I suffered. It left me cold to the idea of family. I love my wife and children, but I don't rely on my own family at all for emotional support. My parents dont want to meet my daughters, to their loss. I understand you pain. My best thoughts and prayers are with you.

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jscmom   

Ashleysmom, Yes who ever said blood is thicker then water did not know any better.

I lost 3/4 of my family last year and you know what I don't hurt for their presence anymore. It took this long to feel this way. I never thought in a million years losing my son would have this kind of impact on how everything else changes along with my John passing. I don't need them in my life. I am not angered or bitter I just learned to accept what it is.

Mark my friend, I did call Shannon she was so happy to hear from me. We talked for a while and I sensed that she really knows I care about her and her well being. Thanks for the advice

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swede1   

Alwaysmyjennifer,

Hey, Mark....rereading some of these reminded me of something you'd said ( and someone on another forum had also been asking about ). That lavender thing....I actually didn't get it, either, so what did you mean? Thanks in advance for the explanation!

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Hi, Swede1, I'm happy to give you a twisted giggle. I have to now tell you the bad stuff. My wife was taken to hospital last night for a possible heart attack. It looks like her dystrophy is effecting her heart. It's serious, but not quite as bad as a heart attack. I'm still a nervous wreck. I wish this miserable illness would go away! I went to my doctor, and he's all worried because the stress has my blood pressure very high. We're surviving, though. Film at 11. I hope you're well today. Take care of you, and spoil yourself a little. You deserve it. Me

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daughterrachael, thank you. I have so much happening, I don't know where to begin. I'm going out with my daughter, so I'll write it later. Hope you're having a reasonably good evening. My best thoughts are with you, with prayers. Mark

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