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swede1   

Is anyone suffering a more complicated grieving process because of family dynamics that were already poor long before a loss, due to a family history of abusive and dysfunctional behaviours, such as:

Alcoholism, drug abuse, physical, mental, verbal, psychological, sexual or emotional abuses, personality disorders, mental illness, or other such issues?

Do you find that these types of family backgrounds have complicated the grieving process, added extra stressors to grieving, or otherwise made your grief harder, or seemingly different than other people's? Have you felt different or alien, in your life-to-date as well as in your grief? Is it harder to share your story and/or feelings with others because of your family history ( which might include an inherent shame ) or because the aftermath from a loss is more problematic or perplexing than most? Do others appear shocked to hear the details around your loss, because they are so extreme? Does this sometimes affect your ability to get the help you need to go through your loss?

If this sounds like you, here is a forum to freely share your story and feelings surrounding your loss, and find others who share these extra challenges to grief.

My background includes most of the abuses listed above and I have often felt very lonely in my search for understanding from others during my own journey in grief. I have found no groups online that cover both dysfunction and grief in the same place, so would be very interested in sharing with others who have this in common.

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chumba   

I have no one in my family except for two beautiful compassionate nieces who love me and visit and send flowers to cheer me up; My mom and sisters do nothing but stir up trouble and gossip and I'm beginning to realize they resent the fact that my son left me a sizeable sum of money. I've tried to figure out what's their problem I've always been there for them. They don't call me to see how I'm doing and recently I had to call my oldest sister to straigten out a financial matter she promised me she would take care of to find out my mom told her not to. My mom's gardner called me because he hadn't been paid for two months, ya-da, ya-da. I was just beginning to feel my heart opening up and since my call with my sister I'm back down in the dump.

Yes; all the descriptions you listed we have in my family. I've gained perspective and insight through this website and two others.

Thanks for setting up this website. I usually go to the forum Death of Adult Child. Right now I have to really focus on being strong. I have that dreadful anniversary on 10/3 and I'm already starting to hyperventilate.

I really think there's no turning back for me with my family. The outrage inside of me is like a fire out-of-control. When I'm totally alone I verbally trash them outloud. I don't know if this is healthy but at least I'm verbalizing my feelings to get it off my chest.

Today I have declined going with my husband to a wedding. He is only going because he feels obligated. My question to him, "Don't you feel obligated to be with me right now." I have always even before my son died had to resort to anger to get him to take off work and be with me. It's my hour of need and there's no one for me but message boards. I have too much to say right now that is very personal. I told my husband yesterday I'm like a deer who craves running water. He didn't understand and I don't understand him.

Thanks Swedel

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Hi Swede1, I'm happy to see this thread. You have my childhood pegged, except for gunshot wounds, total neglect, foster care, and running away from home. We have far too much of this in our world. My number one goal is to love my wife and children - all of them. This gets my grief all backwards at times. I can go to a family funeral like it's a bad art show. I never, ever say publically why I'm so cold, but if you would like me to, sometime I may get the courage to email you to say why.

Chumba, isn't it nice to have this? Our own place to grieve together in our own way. I like it. I'm sorry your family is acting a bit jealous over the money. Please, God, let this come out right, but I think that if your sister agreed to take care of something, she should. That insurance money is YOURS, to use as YOU see fit in honor of your lost child, to pay the future expenses in your healing, and a few little extras for YOU. I have seen families split apart because a sibling bought an expensive home. It's so sad to be so jealous of a little money. My very best thoughts and prayers are with you.

The things written by both of you are perfect fits, and even my history of being shot, being in foster care, running away, becoming a dad aat 13. Gee, what an upbringing. It all effects how I think, react, and look at life and death. I cherish life, but death to me isn't a scary place. I've escaped death after getting shot three times. I don't know if that's a sign, but it makes me cherish life. I don't know if I'm grieving differently about Jenni than any other parent does their child. Perhaps I am. I do see that I'm not all that devastated, but I crash and burn once in a while. Somehow, I'm emotionally positive about it all, even though I'd like to be the one to throw the switch on that slimeball. Satisfaction? I don't know. Is it my ego? Maybe. Is it my past abuse coming out? You tell me.

Thanks to management for letting us have our own special place.

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jscmom   

Hi Swede1, what a great site your started. Let see my childhood of incest, major abuse of every kind being thrown out at 15 years old,having a baby at 16 sleeping in a car with him before giving him to my older sister blah blah blah..My son dies and 1/2 of my family blame me and no longer speak to me the last time I saw them was the day of John's burial.

Then the angry emails..then the angry phone calls then the I want to talk with you and get things worked out well it was too late. The pain I endured losing my baby the way he died how there was nothing I could do to help make him better. How dare they blame me how hurt I was when they no longer spoke to me not know why for months only to hear them say they were letting John rest in peace.

How dare them add to my pain. They just walked away like John never even existed. John's half brother the one I had at 16 and my sister raised hates me now and he was always a part of my life. So not only did I lose my son, his brother and his children and my sister and her husband and son and granddaughter.

Today almost a year later I don't allow them to affect me anymore, there is no more pain than losing a child so I had to release them and waht I had been feeling about their actions. I know I was not perfect as a mother but I know I did the best I could at the time. What they can never take from me is the known fact that when my son died he knew how much I loved him and I know how much he loved me.

They made the choice of losing a sister, aunt and friend. The sad part of this is I always thought my older sister was my best friend boy was I stupid.

Again thanks for this new addition.

I miss you Johnny and love you so much forever 22

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swede1   

Hi Everyone,

Thanks, all, for the thank-you's for this forum, although we also of course need to thank Kelly at BI for listening and putting my idea up here! I'm so glad to see you're finding it a useful addition to BI's already-extensive forum listings. It's also been very good for ME so far, too, as I see I have quite a bit of company in my misery! Although I knew that many others shared abusive backgrounds, it was harder to get a good picture ( probably for any of us ) from just trying to piece little snippets of postings together, from all sorts of different forums, so yes, I'm glad, too, that we now have a dedicated place to talk about these issues.

As for my own background, there was also incest, starting in my Mother's family, which I didn't even know about until after her death - one of her sisters told me, and while it's unsubstantiated so far, I tend to believe it because these things don't usually start in a total void. I also suspected this because when it happened to me, too, as a child, my dear Mother JUMPED on it and put an immediate stop to it...for which I will always be eternally grateful to her. I made sure that I thanked her again for this life-affirming, loving and wise choice she made on my behalf, in her later years, and despite her already-fuzzy mind and poor memory, I know she understood, from the heart, how grateful I was... especially since tough issues like this weren't often discussed in detail between her and me.

My father was a heavy drinker, especially in my childhood, and was also the terribly abusive, controlling, tyrannical one in the family. He beat my Mom, and neither of my brothers ever stepped in to help her, even when they were older. I had tried once, when quite young, but my Mom didn't want ME getting hurt. In my teens, when he threatened me, I told him that if he laid one finger on me, I wouldn't be dropping any charges as Mom had done many times before and he'd be STAYING in jail...so he backed off after seeing the hate in my eyes. Good thing, because I likely would have tried to actually kill him, I hated him so much. My brothers, by contrast, learned the same behaviours from him, to carry on the sickness. One of them even hit our Mom, with his cane, when she was in her 70's. Had I known, or been there, I would have beat him myself! So the men became very alike, and we women shared a bond in defensive battle against them.

My Mom got diagnosed as alcoholic late in life (way to be on the ball, doctors! - she'd been drinking for years, apparently) and by then had quite bad cirrhosis of the liver. No one but me was even remotely interested in an Intervention to save her life, and she almost died several times over 15 years, with all the related health problems. In those later years, I disowned everyone but my Mom, and even her for a few months, she'd become so verbally abusive, too. I had to do this for my own sanity. But after that, and since I'd educated myself in various ways about the whole family dynamic, alcoholism, etc., she and I had a newer, improved relationship...so I know I did the best thing at the time. Other relatives would ask me how in the world I could get along with her so well now, and I'd give them things they could do, but of course, none of them followed through, so all familial relationships remained troubled between the rest of them. In the meantime, my father developed dementia, but no one but my Mom really knew. My remaining brother SHOULD have known, as he saw them the most....but he's too much of a self-centered putz to figure anything out!. This was what I discovered for myself when I first went back to visit my Mom in the hospital, where my dad didn't know who I was the first day. Even then, there was denial with both brothers. My oldest brother, the only one I was talking to, thought it wasn't as bad as it was, the other brother wouldn't believe it at all, until after our Mom died. This made it incredibly difficult for me to get her the care she needed and as a result of my father's dementia and my oldest brother's fear of our father ( I had none left by then, but I wasn't THERE to handle everythin ), she ended up as a ward of the Province, though she had enough money of her own to have afforded 24-hour home care, had anyone known. They assessed her as incompetent ( unfairly done ), so she had no say anymore in her own life, and my father wouldn't cooperate in getting her a seniors home placement...so she died still waiting to be placed. My oldest brother ( or the other one, for that matter ) could have applied to be her Guardian instead ( I couldn't because I didn't live there ), but he was afraid of having to deal with our father to take over their finances. Although I didn't agree with his choice, and kept pushing him to change his mind, in the end I guess it wouldn't have worked because the stress of dealing with all this garbage ended up giving him the massive stroke that killed him 2 months later.

All of my dad's worst traits became more overblown, both after my Mom died, and worse again after my brother died. The only thing lacking was that he didn't have anyone anymore to physically abuse, but the mental, emotional and verbal abuse abounded. Then I gradually learned that my living brother was just like his father, just as Mom had always said in the heat of arguments. It was dawning on me how often she'd been bang on with things, despite her own failing mind, and it broke my heart to think I hadn't listened, or actively rejected alot of her insights through the years. I'd been part of the problem, just as anyone in such a family is, and although I'd changed and made changes, it wasn't until it was too late for her that I gained enough actual wisdom that would have helped the whole situation.

However, I'm beginning to see here, from your own stories so far, that I can more calmly entertain the notion that maybe many, if not all, things that I've railed about regarding my Mom's passing, were just meant to be the way they were, and that this truly might have been for the greatest good for ME, certainly, and maybe all others, too. Perhaps, for example, had there been a real Memorial for my Mom, all hell would have broken loose, rather than me having to go back home by myself and deal with picking up her clothes and a few, paultry treasures, without the whole family to content with as well. Maybe this was the only way I could have maintained any sort of equilibrium for myself...cuz that trip was bad enough by itself! And I've run out of steam here for now...just can't talk about it anymore for now, but I hope this forum is going to help us all work through these hard issues during our grief.

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withani   

Swede...thank you!!!! What a wonderful idea and great site you have originated for those of us whose lifetime experiences are "different" from the norm and it does make our grieving that much more complicated sifting through our lives and experiencing the nonsupport that so many of us have received not only through our grieving process but during our lifetimes. May we all be blessed with peace as were putting together the pieces of our lives.

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swede1   

Everyone,

Just remembered this and wanted to share it. My counselor is a very warm, wise and intuitive woman. One day, in session with me, after I was done explaining how I was still feeling, over a year later, she softy said to me, " You just need some NURTURING. It's what you never got, and you're still not getting it now." I sat there for a few seconds, letting her words enfold me....then broke out in tears as they hit home. It was something I KNEW, intellectually, but just to have someone ELSE say it was so comforting and yet so emotionally traumatic, so SAD! I think it was the first time I'd ever really let my so-called Inner Child feel the horror and desolation my whole past had meant for me. And the best way to combat this NOW.....is to try to build that supportive and nurturing environment for myself, so the future won't seem so bleak and pointless. Does this ring true for anyone else?

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kelly   

Everyone,

You are welcome! Thank you Swede for suggesting it. If you have more suggestions please post on the Opinion forum.

Kelly

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chumba   

Yes, I definitely need nurturing RIGHT NOW and broke down and called my mom. What a mistake. She misses the days when I would take her, when I would rescue her, when I, when I, when I was there for her. Geeze, Louise, save me from the depths of despair and show me where to turn. Peace be with all of you. I'm laughing at my stupidity.

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Chumba, Do we have the same mom??? Sounds like it. My mom has no idea how to nurture me through this all. I have always done things to make her feel special and loved when no one eles did. She has nothing and no one other than me cause she pushes everyone else away. She has hated my boyfriend cause I rather spend time with him. She is mad that I don't have time for her now cause I am helping to care for my dying father. I want to scream GET OVER YOURSELF! I can only believe that she will never change and I should stop trying to explain to her how I feel and what I need from her. She will never get it. She turns into the ICE QUEEN when her feels get hurt and they are always hurt. So I get the cold shoulder. Well maybe it's my turn to be the ICE QUEEN

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chumba   

To daughterrachael: Please don't take follow your mother's footsteps. The world has too many Ice Queens. A therapist once told me that my mom is just human and humans make mistakes. The fact that I was a great mom proved that she taught me something. Well, I'll give her credit for teaching me how to clean, cook and sew. I too was the only one out of eight siblings who would drop everything to run to her aid--one reason why they are all made at me. They have to pick up the slack. I spoiled my Mom but it was done out of unconditional love and obedience to God's commandments. Just breathe and breathe and pray for peace of mind one day at a time.

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daughterrachael, you are too good and nice a person to be the Ice Queen. Just be you. That's a pretty good person to be. To be a mean person also includes having few friends, high blood pressure, headaches, heart attacks, and a host of other physical ailments. Now, shall I begin the psychological effects? Naaaa. You get the picture, and it's all fuzzy and blurry, like the Loch Ness monster.

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I decided to separate this from my private message. There is nothing in here for emotional support, Rachael. Those few who know me closely, and know the secret of my childhood, are asked to keep it quiet. I am indebted to their honor of silence. I wouldn't dare marr this website with the horrors I endured as a child. I will tell you the easier things, though. I survived three gunshots, in my head, shoulder, and knee. I'm over 40, and still waiting for my useless mother to hug me for the first time. I grew up mostly in foster care. Swede1, I also was told I needed to receive nurturing, before I married, and I just sat there, like I was on death row, totally emotionless. My high school record listed me as an addict and alcoholic before I hit the seventh grade. No wonder Jenni was born when I was so young. My smartest move was leaving all of it at 13, and getting as far away as I could. I used to show up for funerals stoned. It wasn't that I was so grieved that I needed the acid, I just thought it would be funky to show up all irreverent and stoned at a funeral. Some loving son, eh? Now, everyone is probably wondering how on earth I'm so "caring." I'm just being me. You all see who I am, who I want to be. They all saw the monster they created.

Thanks to Kelly and BI for this thread. I appreciate it. I think I need this more than the one I need for Jenni's death.

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I know I can only be mean to her and even that I find hard cause I am filled with guilt after. I should mention that we both work in the company, for 4 years now. She would love it if I ate lunch with her, emailed her all day and gossiped with her about other people in the office. I have slowly cut her off here at work and she is very hurt and mad about this. I now go the long way to the cafe so I don't run into her in the halls. I saw her this morning and I said hi while she ignored me. I finally go in her face and she said hi and walked away. She would say this is how I wanted it all to be but I want a happy mid grown that is more normal. My anger stems from the fact I was allowed to be a wild child, even encouraged to life on the edge. I am very embarrassed and ashamed to say the things I have done and the way I lived my life before I was 21. Everything was done under her roof without and consequences. She will say that she didn't want me to live in the streets and wanted to make sure I was alive, this is all bull. She likes to live viciously through me. I changed my life for the better and I am proud of myself for it. She thinks it is her doing, that she "raised me well". I rasied myself and her.

It wasn't only me she F'd up. She put my brother in fostercare when he was 11 cause she couldn't "handle" him. It changed his live for the worse, he went 7 years without talking to her. He has a basket full of problems thanks to dear old mom. She did a number on my oldest brother as well. I want to forgive her but can't.

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Daughterrachael, what a difficult way to grow up, and still, you seem to have such a sweet spirit. This says you are not one to seek revenge, even though you've been hurt like this. Try to let those things that cause shame to fall by the wayside, and concentrate on the positive characteristics of who you are, the beautiful personality we all see in you. You're so right to be proud of who you are. I see that you aren't the type for revenge, so I think in time you will try to work on a way to forgive her. I won't say this will be a miracle for your relationship, but it will be good for your spirit, bringing you peace. Have a good day. You're a good person. Mark

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swede1   

Daughterrachael,

So you've got a bad mother and I have a bad father. We don't like them one little bit. What I've got to say about forgiveness may sound a bit different, but I've found nothing else that works so far, and even this doesn't work entirely for me, but it's the best I've got. I really don't have a problem with NOT forgiving my father for all the harm he's caused everyone. It's OTHER people who always have a problem with accepting that I have no intention nor desire to forgive him. It's said that you don't have to forgive the ACTS someone committed, just the person, meaning that you just recognize and try your best to understand THEIR background, what shaped them into the person they now are, and try to forgive them only from that sense. For me, I've tried that with my father, but no one even in HIS family seems to be able to explain why he was always such a b******, so there's not anything concrete for me to try to understand. It also doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with them, if you find they're toxic to your life and well-being. And that's all well and good, and is progress if you can do it. However, the whole concept just doesn't cut it with me because, to MY mind, that's not real forgiveness, which could only be possible if one recognized, to the depths of one's soul, that that person is an equal with you, a brother, spiritually, and is actually perfect, just as you are,underneath all earthly personality and deeds. A Course In Miracles actually says that none of this earthly stuff is really, truly real, and we just THINK it's our real reality, when the truth is that we're only playing with consciousness here, and so not really even here in a true sense because we're SPIRIT, not body, energy, not body, and only bodies can do harm to one another. It's a large concept to grasp, granted, and sounds blasphemous to some people (I don't understand that, but I've heard some react that way), but it's the only thing that's ever made any sense to me. It's the only thing that explains how you could truly, utterly forgive any soul, like murderers, etc...because in reality, none of what they, or you, or anyone else has done, is real.

However, to really get to the point where this is perfectly clear, is a long struggle that most of us aren't yet willing to try. We'd rather hang onto our judgements, etc. For me, I had to use the more earthly method to forgive my Mom for her lacks, and that was much easier because I KNOW alot about her history, so I forgave her for reacting like a human in the face of a really tortuous background, and also realized I had been somehow, for some reason, blessed to have been bright enough to stop the cycle in myself....and then NOT have my own kids to screw up, either! That didn't stop me from not allowing her to be really abusive to ME, however....I still set some parameters and boundaries, but let other stuff go, deliberately. You're the only one who can decide how far you can go.

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It's so hard cause I am still so mad. I do know a lot about her background and totally see why she is this way. She is still a little girl cause she was never taught to be a strong person, she always needs someone else to care for her. I do have pitty for her on this. But how can I forgive her for not putting the ego aside and come forward to comfort me when I am so broken. She should know better now. I do want to cut her out. I want to cut my brother out too (the one that was in fostercare)cause he has tormented me my whole life. In his eyes I am a stupid baby and makes me feel like crap. I am afraid to take this step, what if this is a mistake. Not only am I lossing my dad, I loose my mom and brother too?? I am always the one to make amends with the both of them when we have a falling out. When my brother was in jail earlier this year I wrote him how much I love him and will do anything to help him when he got out. He promised he would change and we would have a better relationship, well that was all a lie. He has a two year old little angle boy and I love him. I want to stay in his life but I will loose him too if I cut my mom and brother off. How do I make this decison? If I kept a future with then they will do nothing for me, it will always be me doing for them.

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Daughterrachael, if it comes out wrong, please forgive me. You know by now that my intentions are only for the best for everyone. The simple answer to your problem is this: is it worth losing your nephew to gain the peace you seek? From the way you sound, you'd rather endure the heartache than lose him, and the ability to show him your love. Personally, I think he needs to see your love. Is his family situation loving and nurturing? If not really so, then you may want to be available for that.

You wrote some of the things you went through with your mother, which show what you think for a cause, and I agree with you. Forgiving her will not be easy, but you will find what you need in your heart to forgive her. It will take time, as it has me. I'm not completely there yet, by any means, but I'm getting there. Forgiveness for my mother is closer than it was even two years ago. I can now carry on a descent conversation with her for half an hour (not much more, but that much anyway). This is a big improvement over ten years ago, when we wouldn't even say a word to each other. This will be heartbraking, but give her time, and take a break from her chit chat if you must, in a disciplinary way, not in revenge. Do it in love, not in spite. She'll come around, but it'll take time. My dearest of thoughts and prayers are with you, for all that you must go through.

Now how are you feeling today? I hope you're well. Have a good day, and take good care of yourself.

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Your right about my nephew he comes from crap and has a life of crap ahead of him. I want him to be able to vistis my home and feel safe and see what a normal family looks like. He lives with his young mother who has a drug problem and my brother wants to take him from her but he is in no better shape. In a prefect world I would just adopt him as my own, this is not an option. Anyway, I will do my best to take him when I can. It's tough right now cause I am so tired all the time and just couldn't chase him around all weekend.

I just sent my mom an email asking for one of her recipes. This is my way of reaching out. I didn't need the recipe but after reading the past threads of today I feel strong enough to make that little small step. It will take a lot of time. I have to set boundries and she hates boundries. Well see

I am ok, tired as usually and I want to go home (I hate working).

I feel like I take a lot of time up on this board. Thank you all for listening and helping. This place has helped me so much and I am so happy to have it and all of you here :)

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daughterrachael, that's a neat idea, asking for a recipe. I can't do that, cuz I'm a hazard in a kitchen. lol. Be patient, be kind, just like you usually are. If you can somehow convince your brother to get into an outpatient program, he may be able to get sole custody. Soon, you may go home and rest. You will be able to cuddle up with Tommy and take a nap. Be good to you, and try to have a little fun time too. prayrz, Mark

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I have a complicated grief situation, I think. I was diagnosed bipolar 8 years or so ago, after years of misdiagnosis and meds-, my mother committed suicide in my house (our bathroom) with Griffin here- my childhood sucked as my mother was borderline personality disorder- my brother is retarted and in a group home forever...etc...my point is, I was always such a happy person, even though things really sucked-(my mom would turn on the outside light meaning I couldnt come home that night-when I was a kid-etc...)I was always like the clown you punch and it falls but bounces right back up. I left home at 16, fisnishe high school, put myself thru college-I have always been so strong.

I am not bouncing back up from this- this blow of Griffins accident is one I do not think I will come back from. This is by far the worst thing I have ever experienced- and I went to boarding school when I was 10....really- I have always persevered despite what was ever thrown at me- but not now.

I never had a truer love, more enduring relationship with another human being as Griffin. He was/is my truest love, my best friend, my son- and I am open to almost any thoughts on how to come to trms with this- I cant even say the "d" word, you know? Now, I have a baby (she was 2 mos when Griff had his accident)-and it sounds great, and it is on some levels- but on others- Im doing it all over again, raising a child from scratch. So many things are "oh, Griffin did thias, and Griffin did that"- in a big way it's a blessing, I mean, I could be dead if it werent for Gianna-shes sooooo sweet, but on the other hand- can you imagine being 45 raising a new baby after loosing your first one 17.5 years old?

Oh well- just using the tread- any comments welcomed.

I will no read the rest of the thread. Peace to all of us.

*And now that I have read many of the posts here- all I have to say is Im glad my mother killed herself so I dont have to deal with her now. I just wish Griffin didnt have to be in the next room at the time- couldnt she go in the back yard? Geez

I feel that our parents had their chance- now it is our chance- and we know how short and unpredictable life is....If its not hard enough without our kids, do you want to make it harder by dealing with these adults who STILL have not dealt with themselves? I just can't- and dont have to. Sorry you do- but maybe you shouldnt. (blanket statement)- Life is short, and they can work it out on the other side. WOW-outta here.

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GriffinsMom, you've had a difficult journey, for sure. I'm sorry to hear that your mother suffered from emotional illness. It's traumatic for her, but also disruptive for you and your family. As bad as your childhood was, you can be proud of the great accomplishments you have made. To heal and regain your soul's composure after losing your child is so difficult, maybe as you say, a blow from which you may not completely recover. Please feel free to lean on your friends, those you can trust, and your family who will support you well. These are the ones who will help carry you through this difficult time, to hold you and nurture you. You don't need to be strong, just rely on your friends to help you through the sorrow. Try to rest your spirit. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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swede1   

Well, it was a toss-up as to whether I posted this here, or in the Anger and Depression section, but either one applies in this case, so here I go. I was waiting for 3 days and evenings this wknd. to hear from one, lone cousin who I had thought was going to be supportive. She was supposed to call me to FINALLY give me the opportunity to talk about my Mom and brother with someone who knew them. It would have been a FIRST in my stupid family. I'd first heard from this cousin a short while after they both died, when she said she'd call me again in a couple of weeks. I waited more like 2-3 months, then finally called HER instead of waiting further. At that point she apologized for her delay and repeated her promise to call ME next time, for SURE, in another few weeks. ( we don't live in the same cities )This last time I'd waited about 8 MONTHS, and had, in my heart, given up on her. Then I got a 6-wk. belated birthday card from her, wherein she claimed she'd be sending copies of pictures of my Mom she'd gotten from HER mother ( my aunt who'd abandoned me after my brother died ) AND that she had time off and would for sure be calling me one of the 3 days of this last wknd., when we could talk for "hours" about things. Need I say it? She DIDN'T call....AGAIN!

All I ever get from this whole, stinkin' family is promises, that never materialize. To discover that this is indemic even in the EXTENDED family is shocking and heartbreaking to me. How do all these losers SLEEP nights?! I could NEVER do something like that to someone else, especially if I'd put it in writing, and FURTHER, if they were known to be grieving!! If I couldn't call for some reason, I'd be sure and call ASAP just to let them know we'd have to reschedule! And here I thought it was only my evil father and his spawn, my brother, who acted like this! I can't believe she got my hopes up so FAR, just to dash them on the rocks again. I figured no WAY would someone say such nice things in a card, yet find it so easy to renege on a promise. God help me, I'm just not cut out for the cruelties of this world! Now I have to also REface the extreme probability that I'll NEVER get any more pictures of my dear Mother, unless everyone dies and I can break into their homes! At this point, I don't know what I'd even say to this cousin if I ever do hear from her again. If I'm not worthy of respect in the first place, I'm quite sure I'd be blasted for being honest about my hurt feelings. I'm sick and tired of being put into these positions by self-centered, unsympathetic people!

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Swede1, please know that there are some decent people in this world. Maybe not as many as we would like, but they are there. Why they all happen to be in someone else's family is beyond me, but I'm glad we were able to marry into something a little better than what we had. I love your choice of words in certain places, and you know where. Priceless. It made me think of my brother, who never, ever calls me. If I call him, I end up talking to my sis in law, a nut bar from the Willy Wonka reject pile. He won't talk to me unless he wants me to do something for him. Sound familiar? Please know that YOU are so far above them socially, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, cognitively, empathetically, and in any other human way, that they can never match the qualities of the beautiful person you truly are from your heart to your outer being. I just pray our world could be filled with more like you. have a sweet night of blissful rest, and enjoy the time you can spend with your loving husband. May God bless you. ME

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