I wish she would come back to me, and I feel so guilty for neglecting our marriage

[fanhit]

My wife passed away 2 months ago. I was in the midst of a layoff and that stress may have strained her health issues. She called me at work (just days before I was going to be let go) asking me for help. I missed the call. By the time I got home, there were medics carrying her body to an ambulance.

Our marriage had its ups and downs. And we drifted apart in the last few years. I wish now I could take it all back, knowing that time was so limited (we're both relatively young) I would have done things differently. I now visit places we used to go together and I go on the verge of breaking down. I now say "I love you" to her spirit hoping that she hears it, somehow. I don't know.

I had a dream where I saw her and I said I don't care about all of the issues that transpired, I just love her.

She had called 911 after she tried to call me. As medics tried to revive her, a policewoman that I knew personally (who had heard of the 911 dispatch and then rushed to the scene) was by her side. I asked the policewoman if my wife had said anything in her final moments and she just said: "Just let my husband know that I love him". I don't know if these were words meant to comfort me, but if she said it happened, then it happened. It's not that I doubt that she loved me, I just feel that I let her down somehow.

I try to talk to others about the state of our marriage (I'd say we went from being blissfully in love when we first met to a point where we became roommates who did occasional activities together) when she passed away, and I'm told that my feelings of guilt are normal and that all marriages have their issues. Maybe I am just overthinking things, and I'm beating myself up too much.

[backyarder1]

Hi fanhit. I understand completely what you are feeling and I felt many of the same things. And I do still feel those things sometimes. No marriage is perfectly blissful all of the time and when our loved ones die, we can have a tendency to beat ourselves up over every bad thing that we remember doing during our marriage. Believe me, on top of everything else you are feeling and dealing with right now, you do NOT need the added stress of beating yourself up.

I can only tell you things from my own experience, but for your own mental health, try to just deal with the present moment for now. Don't worry about the past. Even the very recent past. And don't worry about the future.

When my husband first died, I kept telling myself that I SHOULD have spent more time with him and I SHOULD have always been in a cheerful mood when he was around. But we are all human. I loved him the best way that I knew how and I'm sure that you loved your wife in the best way that you knew how, too. And I'm sure that they both knew how much we loved them.

There are a lot of great people on this website and a lot of great support. But my two cents worth is, don't make this stage of your life any harder than you have to.

[tnwulf0513]

I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you! I lost my Shari to very similar circumstances. I was not at home and like you when I got there she was being given cpr and never regained consciousness. I also tell her every day that I love her, and pray every day for god to take care of her. This is a good place, a lot of caring, understanding people. Read through some of the other posts here, it may help you understand that in spite of how you feel, you are not alone! Don't be afraid to cry, consider grief counseling.. This process of grief is different for everyone. The things you are feeling ARE normal, take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you have to. Do your best to take care of your self!

[obakesan]

Hi fanhit

and I'm told that my feelings of guilt are normal and that all marriages have their issues. Maybe I am just overthinking things, and I'm beating myself up too much.

actually I think that's all probably right.

I lost my wife just over a year ago. It was sudden as in your situation. We were/are both younger (I'm forties she was thirties), and both working and both having normal lives (meaning sometimes stressful sometimes not).

I had recently had heart surgery, and I know I was grumpy and cantankerous in my post surgical rehab.

I focused (and continue to occasionally look at) everything I did wrong and regretted it. Eventually I came to see that while I was not perfect things were in the main pretty good. Certainly I looked at pictures and events where everyone was happy and smiling and recalled difficulties the day before that and wondered if she was really happy or just smiling for the camera.

Over time I came to see that noone is ever 100% happy in life and just as I used to say before she died "we all need the rainy days to make the sunny days sunnier". You get all sunny days in the desert and noone wants to live in the Sahara.

I expect you'll beat yourself up (as I have) for some time. I say go ahead, as nothing I or anyone else says can stop that (and perhaps nor should it). It is said that people who don't drink (booze) when they are younger are always thirsty when they are older. Meaning that the sooner you get it out of your system the better.

There is nothing else for it but to expect to feel like **** for some time. Sorry but that's how it is. The only thing that can vary is how long.

What to do?

Well each of us has a different perspective in the world and each has different personality. My personality is analytical. So I took my leave of work and spent much time in just thinking.

Having a sea-faring upbringing I know that for large amounts of time you can't see land, so there is nothing to let you know how far you've come. You must rely on instruments to believe you are not going around in circles. The big picture is to get better, not to be stuck in a rut (going around in circles), however this can't be done overnight. So like a journey over water you just have to keep heading the bow in the right direction, weather the storms and when you make land work out how far you were off course.

Back a while ago (while still beating myself up about any issues I did wrong with my Anita) I wrote this blog post : http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/2013/02/a-jewelers-job.html in my response to a conversation I had with a friend who told me how good I had been for Anita. At that time I reflected on the bigger picture as she saw it and realised that had been my goal while we were together. To make us both happy together.

This is not to say I've fully stopped blaming myself but I'm in sight of land ... but who knows what storms come up in the meantime?

As far as navigation goes, try to get better not to get bitter.

Best wishes and keep a steady hand on the tiller.

[traveler1959]

Hi fanhit 

 

I lost my wife bout 2 months too, And I have the same guilty feelings you do, I can't think of one day in our married that I didn't tell her she was beautiful or that I loved her....I took care of her every need the last two weeks of her life, and about into the second or third day while i was bathing her she said, "That she was so ashamed" I thought she was talking about me give her a bath, so I said you would have done the same  for me... She said  she never knew that I loved her that much, I said hon I have told you that I loved you almost everyday of our 29 year marriage, she said "I know you love me like a man loves a woman" but not so much  to tend to me like this".     Our marriage had its ups and downs  just like yours, and I feel so guilty that she would have a doubt that I didn't love her and it tears me up thinking about it.

 

 

     But since her death I have tried to go places that we went, but all I can do is imagine seeing her there sitting across from me, so I try to stay out of those places

[llovern]

This is a topic I can totally relate too.  My husband died April 17, 2012 and I still can't shake off all the guilt feelings.  I do think this

is a very normal occurrence when we lose a loved one.  I wish I could stop beating myself up.  I try to remember that the things I feel guilty about are the ordinary things that take place in most marriages.  We had a turbulent marriage in the early years, but we we worked out our differences and had a very loving relationship after that.  I keep focusing on every occasion when I snapped at him or didn't give him the attention I should.  However, when he needed me to take care of him, I gladly did whatever was needed and was just happy to still have him with me.  He would say to me all the time, "baby, you take such good care of me" and it helps to remember that.  Wish I could just focus on all the good times.  Hoping that all of us who suffer from guilt issues learn to stop beating ourselves up.

 

 

 

[miekevson]

I feel this as well. The passed few months, well actually the past year have been very tough. Been trying to run a business with 25+ clients and trying to get him token care of. He was a bit stubborn and imo waited why to long to finally agree to go to the hospital. I was so so tired and when he finally got home from everythign he'd been throgh in the hospital. I was almost broke. He wanted something every single minute of the day and I had told him many times to just stay laying down for a little while. that I needed to sleep. Honey, I need some sleep, go back to sleep, tomorrow you'll be the first.... I yelled at him for being a pain. I felt bad for doing that cuz he couldn't move up or down himself but I couldn't do both the business and the 24/7 care. It was just me and him for 9 years. 5 of which where in and out of sickness. the last year was only sickness. I was so so tired. I feel so so so bad right now for not being more loving... the last week of his life went a lot better. He knew I was at my end... He even proposed to me again, he couldn't say antyhing cuz of the stroke but he pointed at the rings and had me give them to him and he said something like "I take..." that's all he could say and then he gave me his ring and told me it was my choice. That was the most romantic thing he'd ever done... after that I still had times I yelled at him, to wait and that i couldn't drop everything just cuz he says so every minute of the day... I feel so guilty. I hope he knows it wasn't him. It was me. I was so tired... but it keeps going through my head... I can't let it go.

[fanhit]

I thank you all for responding to me, and I find something of value in all of your heartfelt responses.  I might respond to all of your points in the future.  Things are really busy at my end (and not just handling the estate, I also have other crises in my personal life that has compounded things), I hope to be able to grieve and reminisce on my terms--without having to neglect my affairs and imposing myself on others for their help, though the latter is much appreciated.

 

As for the guilt that I feel, I've started to forgive myself a little bit.  I go on sentimental journeys and visit those places we used to frequent together and where we used to live.

[spap67]

Feeling so much   guilty for cheating on  my   husband as I thought he did  not  appreciate and  loved me the  way   I  wanted..I  stopped  the  affair  some   months  before  he  was  diagnosed  with  lung cancer. He died two months ago  .This  was by  biggest   fear   the  past  24 years ,  as  he  was a heavy  smoker and  drank   rather  a lot.I  was always nagging at   him to stop as I was  afraid that something  bad would happen to him.He   never  listened  although he  gave me so  many  promises from  the day   we  met  that  he would quit. I  felt betrayed. The  last  2  years  after  I got into  the  new relationship I   kept   telling him   that  I   was  unhappy  with  him  and he told me the same..I  kept  telling him that it  would  be better  to  divorce..He     looked so sad.But I never  told him  about  the   affair.I  was  so dishonest. I feel so   many  regrets when I think of  my  awful  behavior.I  feel  that   because of   the  stress I created to him his   immune   system  got  weaker   and that's why   he got ill.I  feel  so   many   regrets  for having  a  parallel affair and   it hurts   so much to    realize than  he   was a  very honest and remarkable man  who loved me  and  our children.But  at   the time I could  not unfortunately  see  that.If only  he  was  here  to tell  him   all those  words  of   love and show him  how  important he was  for me   and   tell  him   how  sorry  I  am .   The  only  thing   that  makes me feel  a  bit  better is  that   during the 7  months of his  illness  I was always  there  for him taking  care of him and telling   him  how much I loved  him  and  he  told  me  the  same.But I  still   feel that the  last  2  years    we were both  miserable   because  of me   and there is   nothing  I  can  do  now  to  fix  it ....there  is   no  way  back and  there  is  no  excuse  for  my  actions.I'  m  blaming  myself every  moment   and  all these  feelings  of  guild  are  killing me.