one year later

[sarah9405]

I haven't been here in a while but I'm going through a really rough time and I need to know that I'm not going crazy. It will have been a year this Sunday since my father suddenly died of a heart attack at age 56, and I'm just a mess. I feel like everyone gets tired of me being upset, and my roommate actually told me that I use my dad's death as an excuse for everything, like how I'm acting and feeling. She lost her brother 5 years ago, so you'd think she'd be a little more understanding. Is it just that some people are different and based on how she's dealt with her experience she thinks I should be the same? I don't see how I could use it as an excuse for anything when it has affected me in every aspect of my life, including emotions and behavior.

Does anyone else feel pressure to be "better"? People who don't know what I'm going through seem to think that time heals all so plenty of time has passed and I'm still not "better" yet. It just makes it worse, and I feel alone. I know that everyone handles things differently, but I just wanted to gain some perspective on how people feel after some time has passed. For me, one year vs 22 of being a Daddy's girl is absolutely no comparison. Neither is 2, 3 or even 4. I still go to school and work and I still do fun things with my friends. I just get upset and cry a lot, and I have a lot of bad days with it so I'm stressed and down frequently... is that normal?

[butterfly13]

sarah-  My father also passed from a sudden heart attack,7yrs.ago.at the age of 55.I actually feel as time goes on,I miss him more.As life goes on,I think of all the things he has missed out on,so many things have happened in 7yrs.that he will never know about.My mom just passed 2months ago,and already I feel the same way,the more time that goes by,the more I'm missing her.Most of my friends still have both of their parents,so they don't understand how I feel,they can't,not until they experience it themselves,even then,everyones relationships are different,and everyone grieves differntly.One year is still so new,it's the longest,most painful year.You are not crazy,when your dad died,your life changed,everything changes when you lose someone you loved so much.If you want to grieve the loss of your dad,you are definitely entitled,their is no time limit on grief.

[stephysteph13]

Sarah, Im around the same age as you and i relate to you alot. I lost my mom about two years ago..will be two years this coming sept. it sucks are the only two words to describe losing someone we love. its still hard, you arent crazy... i still have bad days, bad moments, even bad weeks. it hits hard and affects every aspect of my life also. just remember something what your feeling is perfectly ok!! its only a year. its two for me and im still sad its expected.

as far as people go.. they alwys say things that make us feel worse because they just dont know or get it. i stopped talking about it, and the only people i talk about it too is people who have been through a loss, or my counseler. i love her if it wasnt for her i dont know how i would have made it. i recommend counseling if u dont already do so... remember its unconditional support and they never judge u.. its a great feeling to know someone will ALWAYS listen.

i relate to you alot. and if u want to talk im here for you.....hope to hear from you... keep your chin up s

stephanie

[user=18305]sarah9405[/user] wrote:

I haven't been here in a while but I'm going through a really rough time and I need to know that I'm not going crazy. It will have been a year this Sunday since my father suddenly died of a heart attack at age 56, and I'm just a mess. I feel like everyone gets tired of me being upset, and my roommate actually told me that I use my dad's death as an excuse for everything, like how I'm acting and feeling. She lost her brother 5 years ago, so you'd think she'd be a little more understanding. Is it just that some people are different and based on how she's dealt with her experience she thinks I should be the same? I don't see how I could use it as an excuse for anything when it has affected me in every aspect of my life, including emotions and behavior.

Does anyone else feel pressure to be "better"? People who don't know what I'm going through seem to think that time heals all so plenty of time has passed and I'm still not "better" yet. It just makes it worse, and I feel alone. I know that everyone handles things differently, but I just wanted to gain some perspective on how people feel after some time has passed. For me, one year vs 22 of being a Daddy's girl is absolutely no comparison. Neither is 2, 3 or even 4. I still go to school and work and I still do fun things with my friends. I just get upset and cry a lot, and I have a lot of bad days with it so I'm stressed and down frequently... is that normal?

[sunkenspirits]

Sarah,

I feel the same way you do. It's going to be a year on Monday (the 18th) that my mother died, and a little over three months since Dad had his heart attack. I have really bad days too, a lot lately especially. I find myself very depressed and crying a bit, even though I feel like I should be stronger than that. One of the things that really sets me off, and this I think is true of anyone who's lost someone really close, is the inability to share one's experiences. I think that is what hurts the most. My mom and I used to like to talk politics and every day, when I hear some news on that front, I think that she would have loved to know that and talk about it and I get missing those talks. The same with my Dad. I hear something he would be interested in, and then I remember I can't tell him.

Closeness has a lot to do with the pain I think. A lot of people who lose people weren't that close, emotionally, to begin with. So they can't really understand the people who are, and how much it hurts for a long time. Or some people who are close to the loved ones, are wired in such a way that they can shut out the grief and think others can too. But there are people who are emotionally sensitive to grief and it's hard to relate to one's who don't see it. I know a lot of people have told me to get over it, but I can't.

I don't know if I can say that it gets easier, but I can say that you aren't going crazy. It's the way one is wired. They say that grief is very personal and it is. Each one of us deals with it differently. I know it's tough, but hang in there...

[chicagogina]

Next month will be a year since I lost my precious Momma and Best Friend and it has been the year from HELL. My Dad died when I was 13 so I am now an orphan and not married with no children, etc. to focus on ... just the empty house I lived in with my Mother for my entire life.

Yes, people expect me to "be better" now that almost a year has passed, and am I? Some days I do feel stronger, although I miss her EVERY SINGLE DAY and NOT ONE day has gone by yet when I haven't thought about her and either cried hysterically, or at least shed a few tears because I miss her MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY, and I think I ALWAYS will. I lived with her my ENTIRE LIFE and now I am all alone. We were EXTREMELY CLOSE.

I went to a Bereavement Support Group thru the hospice unit where she died. I did that for 8 weeks and it began just a few weeks after she died. It was very helpful but most days I just feel like I'm spinning my wheels ... ya know ... EXISTING but not REALLY LIVING anymore. She gave my life so much purpose, joy and meaning and now that's all gone.

So, where does one go from here? Man, I wish I had that answer!! One thing I know for sure and that is that I'm not alone. I am very religious and have felt the healing power of God and Christ in my life these past 11 months more than at any other time in my life and I have ALWAYS been an active Church goer. I also know that, more practically, I am not alone either. On August 18th, I will begin a second support group entitled, "Adult Loss -- The Second Year". Just by virtue of the fact that the hospice unit is having this group tells me there are others just like me who have experienced a significant loss and for whom "a year" is definitely NOT "the magic number"!!

All any of us can do is take ONE day at a time, face the pain head-on, lean on those who love us for support, and do as much as we can to try to be as happy as those who are no longer with us would want us to be. No one said it would be easy. It's the toughest journey I have EVER taken. But, I believe it has brought me closer to God than ever before and that, eventually, it will bring me back to both my Mother and my Father, when it's my turn to leave this planet.

[sarah9405]

Thank you for all of your comments and support. I've been in hiding for a week just hanging around my mom and sister for support. I didn't want to be around anyone who couldn't relate, and it was helpful being with my family. I find that now that I'm back I feel worse than last week. I do miss sharing experiences with my dad, and now that I'm going back to school I miss talking to him about everything. He was my biggest supporter for my education, and he didn't get to hear at all about my first year in law school which was tough enough on its own. But he would have wanted me to stay in school and go on, so I did.

I am going to go to counseling, but I can do it through school and it'll be cheaper. They don't offer discounts during the summer though. I haven't felt comfortable with it yet, but I think I'm ready. I don't want to burden my friends with it since some of them seem to feel very weird about it if I say anything. I try to stay busy, but after I run out of things to do i break down.

For those of you who've lost both parents, I can't imagine what that would be like and I am truly in awe of how much strength that must take to go on. I'm having a hard enough time just with my dad. And heart attacks seem to be rather common; the sudden impact that has on your life is so different than if it's expected. I think that has a lot to do with how I feel. Does anyone get the same feeling of shock still? Like I wake up and sometimes I have to remember that it's real. It's not as frequent as it was before, but that's when I get really upset. People say time heals everything, but I think it's impossible for it to help this. Again, thank you all so much. I really do feel better reading comments and just knowing that people understand me.

[butterfly13]

sarah- Every single morning,before I open my eyes I pray that losing my mom has been just a terrible nightmare.Starting a new day-another day without her in my life has been more than painful.Every day I can't believe this has happened in my life,I think of last year at this time,how everything in my life was normal.If I only knew what was coming!!My new life(without my mom)is truly a struggle every single day.I miss her more and more every day,and can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without her.   Butterfly

[sarah9405]

Butterfly- "new life" is key... people don't realize that that's what it is. It's a reference point, from my old life and the old me, to the new life and the new me. We miss them every day, and every day something happens that we can't share. Our perspectives on life are very different, and our definitions of what is important have changed. It'll never be the same, but we'll continue to grow from it and become stronger. I'd trade that to have my dad back of course, but it's all I've got.

[tuxkeeper]

My dad died unexpectedly 11 days ago and the pain and sorrow are hard to endure.  I keep looking at things in terms of my "old life" and my "new life".  I just want my old life back.  I want my dad, who was so dependable, honest, kind and generous.  He was such a rock to myself and to my sister and brother.  My mother died when she was 45 and I was 17.  Now I'm dealing with being 32 and my father has died very suddenly at age 61.  I do not know how to come to terms with it.  I have a hard time trying to see how I'm going to move forward with my "new life", but yet I have no choice.  And I can hear my dad's voice in my head.  He would tell me "Death is part of life.  It comes for everyone.  Don't spend time being sad, just live your life and be as happy as you can be."  It's not that easy though.  We miss him so much.  It's only been 11 days and it's hard to think that there are days, weeks, months and years ahead without him or my mom.  How do those of us who have experienced such a loss really, truly move on?  Yet we must.

[butterfly13]

tuxkeeper- I am so sorry for your unexpected loss.It will be 3months soon since I lost my mom,I can't believe I have made it this long without seeing her or talking to her.The hardest thing is knowing that I have the rest of my life without her.I was shocked when my dad suddenly passed,the difference is-then I had my mom to lean on for support and comfort,with her gone,I am parent-less,what a strange,lonely feeling.I will keep you in my prayers! Butterfly

[chicagogina]

I can relate, butterfly. I lost my Dad when I was 13 but Mom and I were an inseparable team. She's been gone almost a year now and it has been the saddest, longest, loneliest year of my life. I miss her EVERY DAY more than words can EVER say. Those who haven't lost both parents ... CHERISH the time you have with your remaining parent for they will be gone before you know it.

[tuxkeeper]

It's so hard for those of us who have lost not just one, but both parents.  I'm only 32 and I feel that it's SO unfair that I have lost both of my parents.  My one and a half year old daughter never got to meet her grandmother and only got to spend the first year of her life with her grandfather.  I'm afraid she'll have no memories of him, so I will  have to tell her stories and show her pictures to keep the memory alive.  I feel so cheated.

[chicagogina]

I hear you, tuxkeeper. How wonderful that you have a precious, little girl on which to focus. I know it doesn't negate the pain of losing your parents. I never married and have no children of my own. Finances don't allow me to have a pet. From the time I was 13 and my Dad died, it was Mom and I, everywhere and all the time. My life is so sad and so lonely since she died 11 months ago yesterday. I try to find purpose or focus, but most days I honestly feel as if I am just spinning my wheels.

Mom was a fighter. She lost her parents, 2 husbands, a son and a grandson in her lifetime and somehow, she got through it all. She was one incredibly strong, amazing woman. I have to keep reminding myself that, while I have some of her qualities in me, I am not her. I grieve differently. And I cannot beat myself up because it's almost a year later and I still feel so weak and so vulnerable. We were inseparable, but we are still separate, different, distinct women. I am better today than I was 11 months ago. But, I know I still have a long way to go. When I asked Mom once how she got through all of those losses, she told me, "I always had you, honey" ... like you with your daughter, tuxkeeper. I have no one and it can get pretty lonely at times. Friends are wonderful but they have their own lives and can't always be there when we need them to be. So, as sad as it is that your little girl won't know her grandparents physically (I never knew mine either as they had all passed before I was born), YOU can keep them alive in her heart ... and she will help to keep YOUR heart alive, too.

Bless you as you make this journey together.

[butterfly13]

chicagogina-  I understand how you feel,I don't have children or nieces and nephews,my dad has been gone 7yr.s and now my mom-who was my everything,is also gone.I do have pets-although my little 5yr.old baby(cat)unexpectantly died 3wks.ago,so they too can bring heartbreak.My family has gotten so small over the years,now with my mom gone everything seems so quiet and lonely.Sometimes I feel that God must be testing me-why?I don't know.I don't know why some people lose so much while others have so much.Life isn't fair!  Butterfly

[kris05]

wow. 1 year later. my mom died of cancer July 4th 2008.  not so long ago! and everything you described, is what i feel right now.  People really don't understand. They ask, why are you in a bad mood today?  mmm...i dunno, mom died last month? but i have to pretend to be happy and put my happy face on at work. my behavior has changed a lot. as for your room mate, my sister was murdered when i was 10. it's NOT the same!!! trust me...i know. i love my sister to death, but a mother/father...different story. but man...1 year. i was hoping these feeings would go away soon...guess not huh? Hang in there man.

 

KK

[chicagogina]

No, Kris. Grief and grieving takes TIME and there is no timetable for grief. For some it takes longer than for others. Just let yourself feel ALL the feelings, good and bad, and remember your Mother and talk about her often. Keep her alive in your heart and she will always be with you.

[tammydenise]

It's very hard when you lose both your parent's...Today is the 13th anniversary of my Daddy's death and the 3 week anniversary of my Mama's... I think I still at this time am still in shock; I realize that I am functioning, but, it's almost like it's someone else who is doing everything that I'm doing..and doing it in a fog. I know when my Daddy passed, I was devastated; but I had my Mama to focus on and to take care of; now, I am suddenly a orphan at the age of 47 and I am not liking it at all!! I just need to talk to her and have her reassure me that everything's going to be alright. I have a great husband, and 3 wonderful children, 5 precious grandchildren, but, I still feel awfully alone.... Does anyone else feel this way? At times I think ok, your a grown woman, you shouldn't be feeling like a little lost child, but, I do.... the nights are the hardest for me. I can try during the day to be strong and act like I'm ok, but I have cried myself to sleep so many nights these past 3 weeks; the nights are the worse! I just don't know what to do....

[tammydenise]

It's very hard when you lose both your parent's...Today is the 13th anniversary of my Daddy's death and the 3 week anniversary of my Mama's... I think I still at this time am still in shock; I realize that I am functioning, but, it's almost like it's someone else who is doing everything that I'm doing..and doing it in a fog. I know when my Daddy passed, I was devastated; but I had my Mama to focus on and to take care of; now, I am suddenly a orphan at the age of 47 and I am not liking it at all!! I just need to talk to her and have her reassure me that everything's going to be alright. I have a great husband, and 3 wonderful children, 5 precious grandchildren, but, I still feel awfully alone.... Does anyone else feel this way? At times I think ok, your a grown woman, you shouldn't be feeling like a little lost child, but, I do.... the nights are the hardest for me. I can try during the day to be strong and act like I'm ok, but I have cried myself to sleep so many nights these past 3 weeks; the nights are the worse! I just don't know what to do....

[tuxkeeper]

Tammydenise, I feel for you.  I'm going through something similar myself.  It's been 15 years since my mom passed away (I was only a teenager then) and two and a half weeks since my dad passed.  It still feels unreal.  I don't think it matters how young or old you are...when both of your parents are gone, it hurts like hell.  I feel so sad and cheated by the loss of my parents.  I miss them both.  It's like, these people who were a part of our lives for the whole length of our lives are suddenly gone.  The most reliable, dependable, constant part of our lives is gone and it's very hard to come to terms with that.  I feel like I have a huge ache deep inside of me.  People keep saying that in time, you will feel better.  I believe that's true, but there will always be that void.  My thoughts are with you.

[tammydenise]

Tux, My thoughts and prayers are with you. It is so hard to deal with the emptiness. I know that "in time" as they say the pain will lessen, but at this moment, it just feels unbearable. I hate knowing that the two people who knew all there was to know about me and still loved me are gone. The memories are all thats left and that just breaks my heart! I find myself going to the cemetery very often and just sitting there and asking why.. I know that they are out of pain now, and for that I am glad; but still I miss them so darn much! They were the foundation of our family and now their gone.. I'm afraid our family as we knew it will never be the same; that's so sad to me. I hope that you have a blessed day and know that your in my prayers. Tammy

[tuxkeeper]

Yes, Tammydenise, I know exactly what you are saying.  Even though my we are grown adults, we still feel like there is a huge hole missing in our lives.  We still need our mom and dad.  They became more than parents as we got older...they also became FRIENDS.  It hurts so much.  I hope you are doing OK day by day.  That's what I'm trying to do, but it's definitely hard.  I wake up in the mornings with such sadness, and I feel like there is such a missing piece anymore in my life. 

[DianeS]

Tomorrow will be one year since my dad died.  Hardly seems possible.  I still expect him to answer the phone when I call.  My mom died about 18 years ago, so I know what you mean about being without either.  Doesn't matter how old we are, we still need our parents.  I was so fortunate to have had the parents I had.  Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for them.  I miss them so much.

DianeS