My loved one is going to die

[mofirefly]

Ladyofthehouse - I can't begin to imagine how I would be feeling if I had been told my mom wash only going to be with me for a certain amount of time...I lost my mom in a car accident. You mention that you are scared to go to bed because you will think more....I had a terrible time going to sleep after losing my mom for the same reason - it was then that I could no longer keep myself occupied enough to not think about her being gone. I think right now you are doing such a wonderful thing by letting her know how much you love her...and wouldn't it be wonderfult to be able to wrap her up and wisk her away...but it's not possible...and unfortunately a part of you will possibly feel dead when she is gone...but for now, please try to pack as much happy moments into the time you have left with her - make each second count and pack them away so you will have millions of happy memories. Please take care of yourself as well.

[Guest Guest]

I have been engaged for 2 years. Since my fiance is from another country, we have been in the immigration process for 2 years now. During this time, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. Two years later, I have finally been approved for immigration. This week, the doctor told my mother and father that her treatments are no longer of any benefit to her, and will be stopped. The same week I am scheduled to move. My parents have both expressed their wishes for me to continue my move, and want to see me married and settled. I am torn. We have no idea how long she can remain with us. It could be another year,or it could be months. My fiance and I both know we can wait if I should decide to stay.I also know that if my Mom knows i am staying for her, that she will be very angry. But I also dont like to leave this way. Any thoughts for me here?

[4everjoeysmom]

Sucah a tough situation... I'm so sorry. Is there any way your fiance can come to you and perhaps even be married in the presence of your mom?

[DianeS]

I posted a few weeks ago and mentioned that my father was dying of pulmonary fibrosis. He passed away this past Monday and we buried him yesterday. I've just returned home tonight and now the reality is setting in. It is easier when you are all together. Although we knew his death was approaching quickly, I was still caught off guard. I guess you are never ready. In the end, his death was peaceful and that is what we have been praying for. He just went to sleep and never woke up. He has had such a struggle this past year, especially the past couple of months and we really expected that it would be a difficult end for him. What a blessing and an absolute answer to prayer. There is much grief, yet there is also a relief and a thankfulness that he is no longer suffering. And...the biggest blessing we received was a letter he left for us. He was a man of few words and although we knew how much he loved us, was not a man who could easily voice those emotions. The day before he died he slept most of the day, but awoke late in the afternoon and asked my step mom for a paper and pencil. He proceeded to write us a two page letter expressing his love for each of us. He said we all knew that it was not easy for him to express his emotions and feelings, so he wanted us to know exactly how deeply he loved all of us. He thanked my step sisters and brother for accepting him into their family and thanked my brothers and I for accepting our step mom and her family into ours. It was a beautiful letter and will be treasured forever by all of us. In the end he expressed his love once more and then told us good bye. He then went to sleep and died early the next morning. This is a gift that many of us hope we will get, but few receive. I am still amazed. I am very sad tonight, but at the same time I feel such relief for him and such gratitude that he would leave us such a treasure.

Now the hard part begins...learning to live our lives without him. My mom died a number of years ago after a short battle with cancer. I'm 53, but am suddenly feeling...well, I don't even know exactly what it is I'm feeling. I guess maybe as though the anchor to my past is gone. With my brother's death shortly before my mom's, our family is now half gone. That's a very strange feeling.

DianeS

[4everjoeysmom]

Diane, I am so very sorry for your recent loss of your father, and for the pain and loss you've suffered with your mom and brother as well. So much in a short time. How wonderful your dad left you such a loving treasure and tribute to his love for you. You're so right. Not many get something so precious and wonderful in the last hours. I pray you will find comfort and strength in those loving memories and the relief that he no longer is suffering. Though it is very hard. I guess nomatter at what age, when we lose our parents we become orphans. But thanks to a wonderul God we are never truly orphaned. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family this evening. Hugs and many blessings, Claudia

[DianeS]

Claudia,

Thanks for your kind words. You are right, we are never truly orphaned. I also believe that. My brother and I stopped by the cemetary on our way out of town this afternoon and as we stood looking at the three graves, I told him that these are the times when I am so thankful that this is not the end. I often wonder how people who have no faith get through the loss of a loved one. The afternoon my mom died I sat on the bed holding her hand and asked her if she was ready to meet the Lord and she looked me straight in the eye and said, "You know I am." And I knew she was. She was a woman of faith. I've had similar assurances with my brother and my dad, so although there is sadness, there is also peace.

Blessings to you as well. Diane

[4everjoeysmom]

Amen! You are a very wise woman, Diane. And I know the Lord is blessed by the glory you lift up to Him in His name. You are so right. This is not the end. And that is what keeps me alive in the Hope of Christ and our promise to reuinite in fellowship for all eternity with our loved ones gone to Heaven before us. Peace and joy be yours in the Lord, Claudia

[DianeS]

Well, here it is, two weeks ago today that my father died. While there is still peace and relief that he is no longer struggling, now comes the time of trying to accept that he is gone. My head knows it, but my heart does not want to believe it. This is the hard part, isn't it? My logical side says that he lived longer than we thought he could with the disease, he was at peace, he was not afraid, and that I should be at peace with it as well. I am at peace with how he died, just not that he died, period, I guess. I'm also finding that since he was in his 70s and I'm in my 50s, those around me react much differently than they did when I was 20 years younger and lost my mom and brother. I guess I'm just as guilty of this. I just never noticed it before. When a person has lived a longer life, it is easier to expect those who lost them to move on faster and be happy that they had them as long as they did. I understand that because I'm sure I'm also guilty of that attitude when others lose and older parent. What I feel instead though is that it doesn't make it any less valid that I'm feeling an intense loss. This was my dad, the man who helped make me who I am today, the constant in our lives for so long, our last parent. The loss is much less traumatic than my mom and brother's deaths, yet the grief is just as deep...just different. Quieter maybe, if that makes any sense. The shock of the first two deaths made the grief so excrutiating and intense. It knocked us off center for quite awhile. Dad's death was expected and peaceful, but he's still gone. I was talking to a friend today who has lost both parents. She understood exactly what I was talking about. She said something that really rang true. She said when you have lost both parents your role changes. You are still a mom, maybe a wife, a grandma, etc., but you are no longer anyone's child. All of your life you have been your parent's child, no matter how old you are. And no matter how old we are, we still need our parents. Of course we don't need them the same way, but we need them all the same. This is a very odd feeling, something that I didn't really expect to feel with my dad's death. I expected to feel the loss greatly, but there are so many other emotions wrapped up in it.

DianeS

[kathy714]

Hi,i loss my son Nathan over 2 years ago,he passed suddenly on his 21st birthday,i usually post on loss of adult child.My husband has had cancer for 5 years and was doing well up until 3 weeks ago when they started him on a strong chemo,Well after 3 weeks of not getting any better,he developed a temp.so i took him to the hospital and last Sat found out he has 12 lesions on the brain.I have been married for 26 years,and i met him when i was 15 years old.I am having such a hard time dealing with this,i can't stop crying,i told my doctor that i don't even remember crying like this when Nathan passed.She said that when Nate passed ,it was suddenly,so i was in shock,plus i knrw what i was up against and i just delt with it,this is the anxiety of not knowing,plus i am probally finally letting out my grief for Nate.I just know i can't live without my husband John.Please help me pray for him,and to give him strength to fight this nasty disease...T/C ALL..Kathy Nate's mom 4 ever

[4everjoeysmom]

Oh Kathy! Oh my heart is so broken for you and what you are facing--the unknowns, and the circumstance now of your husband's illness. I have no words from my flesh, but I am praying for you and lifting you up to the only one I know can help you in you rgreatest hour of need, our God. My prayers will go without ceasing for you. Hugs, Claudia

DianeS, I'm so sorry for your loss, your precious dad. It may be of little consolation at the moment, but no matter who our parents are or how long they're with us, we have a parent in the heavens who will never leave us an orphan. I'm so sorry, and I wish there were words of wisdom to give. Just know compassion, deep sympathy, and many hugs and prayers are yours.

[cheryl36]

KATHY, I AM TRULY, TRULY SORRY FOR YOU!!! And yes I will surly pray for you, and your husband. I myself am a widow, I lost my husband 2 years, and 10 months Sept.28th. I too had to deal with cancer. My husband was dx with glioblastoma multiforme(Brain Cancer)when he was 37 years old. he lived 7 months. I was only 34 and he 38. I tell you, the only thing that truly helped me was being here to be able to vent, and read, and praying really, really hard. I am also extremely sorry for the loss of your son. I really am. My husband used to say that he felt lucky, alot of people don't even know when or where, and at least I (MY husband) know and i'm gonna take full advantage of it. And we did. I was his only caregiver, and I have some awesome memories of us together. I was everywhere he was, We were inseperable! I have no regrets.. I said everything and did everything that I wanted with him. I love him, and I always will. I wish you the very, very best and please keep posting, I will definitely read and want to keep up with you. May GOD BLESS YOU!!

Cheryl

[kathy714]

Hi Cheryl,thank you so much for replying to my post,I am so sorry for the loss of your husband,he was so young.I want to do the same,spend as much time as i can with my husband,my doctor took me out of work for now.I just can't think of not having my husband in my life,but like you we do at least talk about his posibilty of dying,before we wouldn't dare,we just really wouldn't discuss the future either.Today my son's stone is finally finished,and at first we were just planning to put Nate's name on it,then yesterday when they called to tell us it was done and to make sure there were no changes,my husband said he wanted our names put on too,before we were afraid to think of that.Cheryl you will be in my prayers,and i will post here again,you will probally be a great help,this here is a whole new journey....T/C Kathy,nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Claudia,thank you so much for your prayers,i really believe all these prayers really help,and i think that is what has helped John to keep up the fight...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear DianeS I am so sorry for the loss of your dad,my prayers go out to you!I understand the grief you feel,i have loss my mom,who was 75 when she passed from cancer,in 2001,then i loss my son in 2005 on his 21st birthday,and like you both different,but i remember i was so close to my mom,and even though i knew she was going to pass ,when the time came,i still wasn't ready,like you said ,she had made me who i was,who i went to for advice,who loved me uncondtionally,and when she passed i grieved for a long time,although different then when my son passed,my grieve with him was crippling,and i was in shock for a long time...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[Guest Guest]

I am so sorry for all of your pain. It isn't fair. I am no longer caregiving fulltime, though I wish I was. My dad got sick when I was 16, I cared for him until I was 18. It was advanced bone cancer. I did it all, hospital visits, bathing, holding his puke bucket... Things started to look up, so I went to a college four hours away. Now I'm 21, the cancer is back, the side effects from his transplant are making treatment difficult...He wasn't supposed to make it more than a few months when i was a kid. All I want to do is go home and take care of things. I know how to. I go home as often as possible. At least two or three weekends a month, sometimes during the week. but I work two jobs and take a full course load. It was hard being there the first round, but now, I know he wants me to take care of him but I can't. He's had a few flare ups, usually over holiday so I could be there...but nothing like this. A lovely lady volunteered to nurse for our family. It makes me feel guilty. I hate this. I know I can't leave school. That would break his heart...

[cheryl36]

KATHY: I would also like to say, please take care of yourself as well as your husband, that is one thing i didn't do very well. I was so consumed with him that i didn't even take a break from him...ever. And i really, really should have. Maybe go to a mall for a couple of hours. Go to the grocery by yourself, something to occupy your mind, away from your home for a few. Just for a little while. You have to take care of yourself. I know have a lot of back problems, due to the fact that i was so tired toward the end. I didn't take care, and i now have, and always will have back problems. Should you ever need to talk with me privately, please by all means email me at cheryl_auxier@yahho.com! I'll be here ever step of the way!

All my thoughts and prayers,

Cheryl

[cheryl36]

OOPPSS, cheryl_auxier@yahoo.com. Sorry! And I will keep you all in my prayers!

Cheryl

[scared]

It has been awhile since I was here. I really don't know what I'm feeling. Most of the time I feel lost. I lost my MOM June 19th, to bone cancer. I was with her. She was my best friend. My husband has advanced prostate cancer. We have had it since Dec.2000. We has been on Hospice for about a year. He has now gotten worse. Sometimes he would get down and stay like that for awhile and then bounce back. But he isn't doing that. My MOM lived in another state 6 hrs. away. When she got sick I didn't know what to do. John(my husband) was not doing well, but Hospice said that would come every day, so with thier help and the help of our son & daughter I was able to be with her. But when I got back John was real sick. It had been going down hill since. I guess my problem is we have had the cancer for so long that I just didn't think this time would never come even thou I knew it would. Since I got back from my Mom's, I have been right here taking care of John. Hospice comes every other day. But I take care of John. I'm scared. I don't know what I'm suppose to do. I pray and just talk to GOD everyday for him to show me the way. PLEASE KNOW THAT ALL OF YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS. Helen

[kathy714]

Dear Cheryl,i read your post last night,late but was falling asleep so didn't have time to reply,but it did bring a smile,because thats just what i did Sat was go to the mall,bought a sweater ,jeans and bubble bath.We have had rad tx and dr appointments every day,tomorrow will be the first we don't have anything scheduled.John sometimes seems like he is doing better,but not eating at all,he is down to 129lbs,the dr said the rad tx burns the taste buds,so he has no appetite,plus all the meds they have him on now.I FEEL SO BAD...Ican't imagine what it must be like knowing you have a terminal illness and feel like crap everyday,it kills me just watching him,and he never gives up..How did you do it,i guess you just do what you have to do,,How are you doing now? you must miss your husband soooo much!!Thank you for listening...Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Scared,i am so sorry for the loss of your mom,and for your husband's illness,reading your post ,i felt like i was reading something i wrote.My mom passed away 2001 with cancer,and my husband has been battling rectal cancer with mets to liver,lung and now limp nodes,and just 2 weeks ago they found 12 lesions on the brain,and was in the hospital for a week.I found this site in 2005 when my son Nathan passed away on his 21st birthday,and usually post on adult child.My husband was doing great,july 14th he even threw me a 50th birthday party,and then he crashed,he usually bounces back too,and this time he's not,[my husband's name is John too]and it is scary,i can't picture living without him,we have been married 26 years,and like you he did well for so long,i just didn't prepare myself for this...I will pray for you,and your husband...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[cheryl36]

KATHY-You are exactly right! You do what you have to in order to make thing go as well as possible. This is why i'm sharing every little detail with you, so that you can be healthy through all this, because mentally it will shut you down. You are a true trooper! And don't you every for get that! I just now have gotten to the point of going back to school, and finishing my school, and moving forward.. Like i said it has taken me 2 years, 10 months on the 28th of this month, and i can only tell you that it will get easier, BUT you will never be the same person you once was, and that is not a bad thing at all. Please listen to what i have to say, I would never, ever tell you something wrong, especially when it comes to your life ( your husband). I build my entire life around Scott, in the end I had nothing, ure there were life insurnace money, but I DIDN'T HAVE HIM, and no amount of money could give me back my life. Be true to yourself, keep those lines of communication open to you two of you, and do not let anyone trick you into something that you know you discussed with him, especially family, they are the worst about it, from what i have experienced. Now that might not be true for everyone, but it was for me.. Then again family behind you i'm sure would make this a hell of a lot easier for you. I pray long and hard for you, and i will always be around, and i did leave an e-mail address for you should you ned to talk on another private level.. Please keep me posted, and may GOD send you his blessing and unconditional love to you!!!

Cheryl

[kathy714]

Hi Cheryl,i am sorry i haven't been on for a few days,i have been busy with John,and last to nights talking back and forth to betsy{mamabets].Thank you for all your advice,this is so different than what i went through with Nate,Nate was a 1 shot deal,i woke up one day and he was gone and i knew what i was dealing with.THIS is a emotional rollercoaster,one day good,three days bad,Sat John spiked a temp,sundsy he looked so weak and frail,i cried all day,today i get up and he is making himself breakfast,all dressed ready to go get his blood work.I will email you more tomorrow,i will use your private email,it is 5 am and we have a 9 am dr app.,so i better try to sleep,IF i started talking about family i would go on forever..Thank you for being here,i have met so many good friends in the last 3 years on BI,I thank god i found my way here...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[cheryl36]

KATHY, May God be with you every step of the way!!! If there is anything I can do for you, anything at all please don't hesitate to contact me, If you ever want to talk by phone, just for me to just listen, I am truly here for you or anyone else who needs an understanding ear..!! Remember I truly am praying for you and all who is dealing with such a horrific time in their lives.

Much Love and Prayers!!

Your Friend

Cheryl

cheryl_auxier@yahoo.com

[irishlmg60]

hi my name is lori and my mom will die within a few days.... it is a very hard thing to deal with and i am afraid i will fall apart before too long from now.

[scared]

Dear Lori, I am very sorry for what you are having to go through right now.  I just lost my husband Dec. 8th and I lost  my 'MOM' June the 19th. What helps me about my MOM is that I know she isn't  sick anymore.  I miss her alot right now, because I want her to tell me everything is going to be okay.  I feel so lost!! I don't know what  I am suppose to do.  We had cancer for 7 yrs.  Know you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Just Believe and GOD will help.   Try to take care!!   Helen

[iseultbeauty]

Hey, Cheryl.  My name is Tonia.  My mother also has GBM.  It was wrapped around her brain stem, where it suffocated her pons.  She was diagnosed about three months ago and is fading fast.  I say it "was" because it is smaller, thanks to the radiation, but the damage has been done.  It was misdiagnosed for two months before finally being properly diagnosed.  In those two little months everything happened.  Today my mother is bedridden, she can't speak, she is on O₂ and nothing is right.  We believe that we are in the last stages of active dying.  She is panting, and has been asleep for 36 hours.  We try to wake her up, but for the most part she flutters her eyes open.  She has spent the last five hours trying to talk.  We think that she is trying to get in her final words. 

She has been on hospice care for a couple of weeks.  We (her children) were doing all of her personal care here at home.  Her hospice aides come out to our home because we did not want her in a facility.  My mother is the glue that holds this family together, without her I dont know what is going to happen. 

I came across this forum and scanned the posts.  When I saw your post Cheryl, I just had to respond. 

We don't know how much longer she has, but we dont think she has much time.  We are a VERY spiritual family and we are well aware that God's will is always done.  I hope that I can find a bit of comfort here.

 

[iseultbeauty]

Hey guys.  My mother passed today at 1245pm.  I am grateful for the brief opportunity to share with you guys.  I initially typed a nice couple of paragraphs, but somehow the computer ate it up... I am too drained to try again.  But thanks for the site, I am sure that I will return to visit.  Today is the day that my heart broke.

[irishlmg60]

it is amazing the love that comes through when those that fill our hearts become ill or in need of our talents (ie. such as, caring for an elderly or sick parent or spouse.) i know for fact that God blesses each of us with a tender but yet strong heart when these times come into our lives - your pressence is very valuable to your father and also your step mother - do continue your support for these loved ones in your life for they will always live in your heart.  time will one day, become too short and you will long for one more day to be with them/him no matter how sick or unresponsive he might be.... but they will only live within your heart. for my mother only ascended to heaven 12 days ago.. and i miss her so much - but i do have comfort knowing she is with God and Jesus - not to mention my father and all her family.... mom always said "We live as long as we are remembered" and it's true - God's peace and comfort i pray for you

[irishlmg60]

it has been just a month now since we buried my mom.... our family has definately unraveled.. i live 800 miles away and have -0- controll over what "they" do...  i have accepted this and am ready to let it all go... since my mom is gone from this earth... "they" no longer can hurt me with the things they do.. the things they say.... i want to be healthy with my mom's passing... does any one know of any good books to help thru this time?????

my mom was sick for 16 months.. some neglect i think from her doctor.... she lost function of kidneys, vision in one eye, use of her right arm, amputated leg.. massive weight lose <80 pounds>

the saddness that fills me is that she suffered.. hense i suffer... i pain... my whole body cries...and i am having such a hard time with it.... my heart still breaks when i remember her pain.. she was a wonderful person in my life.. and i just miss her... i want the hurt to stop.... maybe someone could suggest some good reading material to help me acheive and go on. thank you

[wyomingsal]

Lori,

I am so sorry you are hurting...missing...living with pain from losing your dear mother. The hurting and missing are things we can't escape and in some ways we don't want to.  We want to feel the pain of missing them because to not feel it would feel like we didn't care. I am sorry there seems to have been disagreement and hurt feelings amongst the people who loved your mom.  That can be so hard to deal with.

It seems as though you believe in Heaven.  A book that really helped us when my son Joshua passes away was 90 minutes in Heaven by Don Piper.  This man was literally prounounced dead by the paramedics and stayed that way for 90 minutes. During that time he experienced what he believes was Heaven.  It is really an amazing book and I read it to my 9 year old son who has been devasted by the loss of his brother.  It has really given him hope about the joy Joshua is experiencing in Heaven. 

C.S. Lewis wrote a book after his wife died called  "A Grief observed"  and it is kind of complex but it is amazing that one of the most respected Christian authors felt so many feelings and thoughts after losing his loved one. 

Hugs

Sal

[jackiewitter]

Lori,  First please let me say I am so sorry the loss of your mother.  I know how very painful it is.  I just wanted to share with you about the book Sal mentioned "90 Minutes in Heaven".  A friend recommended the book and I finally ordered it, not realizing how close to home this book would be "literally close to home".  My parents lived in East Texas, I lived at Lake Livingston.  In the late 80's would drive to meet my parents and give them the kids sometimes for the weekends.  I would travel that same road and cross that same bridge that Mr. Piper was injured on.  I remember that accident, it happened during the week and that weekend I took the kids to meet my mom & dad.  Mr. Piper's accident was at the north end of the lake and I was living at the south end.  I had read about the accident in the news, but it meant very little to me, but crossing the bridge I remember looking and damage to the guardrail was still evident.  I whispered a quick prayer that God watch over him and especially us as we crossed the bridge and nothing more. 

A little over 15 years later I lost my mother in 2001, then my father in 04 and exactly 2 years after my father's passing my little brother was killed in an accident.  These losses have been overwhelming.  I began reading the book hoping that Mr. Piper would reassure me of heaven and that my family was in total bliss and happiness.  That is not the focus that God gave me from that book.  Mr. Piper's description of heaven was powerful, but the focus that God gave me on that book was why so many tragic events happen in our lives and where we allow Him to lead us.  I would highly recommend this book.  I sometimes wonder if Mr. Piper was led to write this book for my benefit only....amazing how God weaves the fabric of his people so that people and events so distant in time and physicality are woven together. 

My prayers and thoughts are with you and I hope that you can find comfort.  This website has helped me immensely.  I have been here a little over a year and still continue to come back for the support, understanding and kindness that I receive here.  May His arms be around you.  Peace and blessings, Jackie

[irishlmg60]

[user=11876]daughterrachael[/user] i pray for peace for your dad - i know how hard it is to watch and wait - it often made me wonder why.... oh why do they have to suffer.... may you have God's peace.

[Guest mull4cann@cox.net]

I am a RN so I can offer a few suggestions. I also have been through my share of difficult times, etc. First, I highly recommend being on an antidepressant with perhaps a breakthrough ativan when needed. You r not being selfish wishing and hoping that your dad will be at your wedding. Believe you me he is hoping for that more than you are and more than you will comprehend untill you become a parent. For now, have peace with each minute and let go of the things u cannot control. Before u speak breathe deep, close your eyes, and let the presence of the love from your dad surround your heart with kindness and compassion. Anytime write, Blessings and thinking of you. Toni:):)javascript:emoticon(':)',%20'images/emoticons/smile.gif')

[Guest Austin33]

My Mummy is dying...

Hello all, I was hoping someone could offer me some 'more' advice? My Mum has 3 months maximum to live from liver cancer, she is 57 I am 33.  I have read many many blogs, and the only advice which has helped me is to get my Mum to give me 5 wishes to grant for her. this in order to know that she and will both be content when the time comes- This advice i do like.

I do not show my emotions very well and my partner feels blocked out, however I find it hard to get to sleep, and often find myself angry whilst at work for no reason. Is this my way of dealing with this? How can i show my emotions to my partner? What else can I do to make things easier?

I am also a recovering alcoholic and am scared of how i might react when i lose her, I am scared I might lose myself...

[clittlelady]

Austin33,   I'm so very sorry, from the bottom of my heart for what you are coping with now and for what lies ahead.  I came here tonight to pour out my heart regarding my 28 year old son, who is still alive, but is drinking himself to death.  I've reached a dead end, a brick wall, the helpless place that no parent wants to be.  I saw your post and just wanted you to know, I've been where you are, with my Mother.   Knowing their death is inevitible, for me, became the force that kept me determined to make sure all of her wishes were met and honored and that she would leave this world as comfortably as she could and carry her dignity with her.  I was the youngest of her five children and her only daughter.   I was her late in life baby girl.   We were so close.  She was my Mother and Father, since my father abandoned us before my birth.   I can tell you that for me, I was determined that no matter what my weaknesses had been in this life (and trust me, we all have them), that I would not let this important time and place be hindered by anything or anyone.   It was definitely all about HER.   And it was extremely difficult to say the least and heart wrenching to take care of her.   I brought her back to her home to die.   And she knew that was what we were coming home for.   Her face beamed with a smile from ear to ear though when the ambulance attendants brought her back into her home.  I had already been her primary caregiver for the last eight months, but the last three weeks, were so exhausting emotionally and physically. Then again, at the same time, I felt it a great privilege and a tremendous sense of love through all that was taking place.    I had an elderly sitter with me that had worked for my mother for the last three months before she died.   This little lady was an angel in my eyes.   Her name is Miss Lillie.   She will always be in my heart.  She had seen death many times and was there to guide me and to help me know some of the progressive phases, as did one of the home health nurses.   Having someone to help prepare you in that is truly a good thing.    I wouldn't leave my Mother's side.   It was all so surreal.   I live in Northern Louisiana and the day before my Mother died, Katrina hit.  I had relatives who had come up from the souther part of the state, to say their goodbyes to my Mother.   Looking back now, it was all a fog.  Didn't seem real at all.   I had gathered some of her favorite christian hymns on cds and had her music softly playing in her room, old southern gospel style.  I would sing some of her favorites to her.  Her sitter would read her bible to her.  These were some of my Mother's favorite things.   She weighed all of 80 pounds,   she was in diapers and I tended to all of her personal needs.  I wouldn't let anyone change her but me and carefully, lovingly, treated her as the precious little lady she was.   I had the opportunity to whisper to her that I loved her and thanked her for all of her sacrifices she had made for her children.   I told her how very much I would miss her every day of my life.    I told her I didn't want her to go, but that when she felt it was time, if she heard angels call her name, that she should go and that we would see her again someday and always keep her love with us until that time.    The night before she left me, I was holding her, laying next to her in her bed.  She began to raise her arms and look up to her ceiling.    She had had a stroke and could not speak clearly at all, in fact I was the only one who could make out what she was saying.  When her arms were completely outstretched,  she began to smile the most beautiful, illuminating smile.   My heart sank and I asked her what did she see?  She said clearly, very clearly and slowly,  "Angels, Everywhere".   I put my face next to hers and gently kissed her.  I told her again, that I believed there were many Angels around her and again that I loved her and go when she thought she should, that everything would be okay.     She was unconscious the rest of the night and at 8:24 the next morning I watched her take her last breath, very peacefully.    She left.   I held her and loved her, knowing those days would be no more.   I'm not going to lie to you, it hurt.  My oldest brother who was there that morning when she died, he is an active alcoholic.  Not recovering.   However, during those last days of my Mother being here, he was totally sober and I am eternally greatful for that.   He had offered me pills to numb me during the days prior to her death.  I refused them.  I have never taken pills and these were prescription Xanax, no illegal drugs.  I suppose if a person ever needed something, that was the time I could have.  Strangely as it may sound,   I wanted to feel every little thing.    The hurt, the bittersweet goodbyes, the feeling of being proud that I helped honor her wishes, no life support and dying at home, in her own bedroom,  I needed to feel that.   I did not leave her precious little body until the coroner arrived.    These are some things that some people never experience.   Again, it was all very surreal, bittersweet.   I stood in her driveway as they brought her out and drove her away from her home, for the very last time.     Then....  Then, I fell to my knees and cried like a small child and cried and cried and cried.    When I was able to get up,  I felt cleansed, relieved that she would suffer no more, that her pain was over, that she left as she wanted to.    At that moment  I picked myself up and reminded myself that her journey has ended and that  my journey is still ongoing.    This is life, this is the cycle that we all go in and it reminded me of a saying about obituaries when they list the birthdate and the dash and the death date, that it is the dash that's important, significant.  It's what we do between the dates that counts.   The loss left a very large hole in my heart.  I will never be the same.   I will be okay, but never the same.    Sometimes we have to grieved hard,  but it is BECAUSE we LOVE HARD that we GRIEVE HARD.  We're suppose to feel that.   I see life so differently now.  All my aunts died before my Mom.   I have no women in my family left to talk to.  I decided that I'm going to live life and not just exist.    I want to live and love and  Honor my mother and the things she taught me to believe and stand for.    The grief takes many different phases and it is different for each person.  There is no set schedule.    Don't let anyone tell you when or how to grieve.   Your love for your mother and hers for you will always be there.   You will still feel it.  It doesn't go away.    You will find strength that you didn't know you had.   You will get through it and live.    As far as your partner and how you communicate or share,  I can only tell you that just a strong silent arm around me is all I wanted.   My husband never had to say a word or I to him.   But when I did melt, He caught me.   I will remember you in my prayers, for strength and knowledge.     I hope I haven't said too much.... you just touched my heart.    God Bless.

[clittlelady]

Austin33,   I'm so very sorry, from the bottom of my heart for what you are coping with now and for what lies ahead.  I came here tonight to pour out my heart regarding my 28 year old son, who is still alive, but is drinking himself to death.  I've reached a dead end, a brick wall, the helpless place that no parent wants to be.  I saw your post and just wanted you to know, I've been where you are, with my Mother.   Knowing their death is inevitible, for me, became the force that kept me determined to make sure all of her wishes were met and honored and that she would leave this world as comfortably as she could and carry her dignity with her.  I was the youngest of her five children and her only daughter.   I was her late in life baby girl.   We were so close.  She was my Mother and Father, since my father abandoned us before my birth.   I can tell you that for me, I was determined that no matter what my weaknesses had been in this life (and trust me, we all have them), that I would not let this important time and place be hindered by anything or anyone.   It was definitely all about HER.   And it was extremely difficult to say the least and heart wrenching to take care of her.   I brought her back to her home to die.   And she knew that was what we were coming home for.   Her face beamed with a smile from ear to ear though when the ambulance attendants brought her back into her home.  I had already been her primary caregiver for the last eight months, but the last three weeks, were so exhausting emotionally and physically. Then again, at the same time, I felt it a great privilege and a tremendous sense of love through all that was taking place.    I had an elderly sitter with me that had worked for my mother for the last three months before she died.   This little lady was an angel in my eyes.   Her name is Miss Lillie.   She will always be in my heart.  She had seen death many times and was there to guide me and to help me know some of the progressive phases, as did one of the home health nurses.   Having someone to help prepare you in that is truly a good thing.    I wouldn't leave my Mother's side.   It was all so surreal.   I live in Northern Louisiana and the day before my Mother died, Katrina hit.  I had relatives who had come up from the souther part of the state, to say their goodbyes to my Mother.   Looking back now, it was all a fog.  Didn't seem real at all.   I had gathered some of her favorite christian hymns on cds and had her music softly playing in her room, old southern gospel style.  I would sing some of her favorites to her.  Her sitter would read her bible to her.  These were some of my Mother's favorite things.   She weighed all of 80 pounds,   she was in diapers and I tended to all of her personal needs.  I wouldn't let anyone change her but me and carefully, lovingly, treated her as the precious little lady she was.   I had the opportunity to whisper to her that I loved her and thanked her for all of her sacrifices she had made for her children.   I told her how very much I would miss her every day of my life.    I told her I didn't want her to go, but that when she felt it was time, if she heard angels call her name, that she should go and that we would see her again someday and always keep her love with us until that time.    The night before she left me, I was holding her, laying next to her in her bed.  She began to raise her arms and look up to her ceiling.    She had had a stroke and could not speak clearly at all, in fact I was the only one who could make out what she was saying.  When her arms were completely outstretched,  she began to smile the most beautiful, illuminating smile.   My heart sank and I asked her what did she see?  She said clearly, very clearly and slowly,  "Angels, Everywhere".   I put my face next to hers and gently kissed her.  I told her again, that I believed there were many Angels around her and again that I loved her and go when she thought she should, that everything would be okay.     She was unconscious the rest of the night and at 8:24 the next morning I watched her take her last breath, very peacefully.    She left.   I held her and loved her, knowing those days would be no more.   I'm not going to lie to you, it hurt.  My oldest brother who was there that morning when she died, he is an active alcoholic.  Not recovering.   However, during those last days of my Mother being here, he was totally sober and I am eternally greatful for that.   He had offered me pills to numb me during the days prior to her death.  I refused them.  I have never taken pills and these were prescription Xanax, no illegal drugs.  I suppose if a person ever needed something, that was the time I could have.  Strangely as it may sound,   I wanted to feel every little thing.    The hurt, the bittersweet goodbyes, the feeling of being proud that I helped honor her wishes, no life support and dying at home, in her own bedroom,  I needed to feel that.   I did not leave her precious little body until the coroner arrived.    These are some things that some people never experience.   Again, it was all very surreal, bittersweet.   I stood in her driveway as they brought her out and drove her away from her home, for the very last time.     Then....  Then, I fell to my knees and cried like a small child and cried and cried and cried.    When I was able to get up,  I felt cleansed, relieved that she would suffer no more, that her pain was over, that she left as she wanted to.    At that moment  I picked myself up and reminded myself that her journey has ended and that  my journey is still ongoing.    This is life, this is the cycle that we all go in and it reminded me of a saying about obituaries when they list the birthdate and the dash and the death date, that it is the dash that's important, significant.  It's what we do between the dates that counts.   The loss left a very large hole in my heart.  I will never be the same.   I will be okay, but never the same.    Sometimes we have to grieved hard,  but it is BECAUSE we LOVE HARD that we GRIEVE HARD.  We're suppose to feel that.   I see life so differently now.  All my aunts died before my Mom.   I have no women in my family left to talk to.  I decided that I'm going to live life and not just exist.    I want to live and love and  Honor my mother and the things she taught me to believe and stand for.    The grief takes many different phases and it is different for each person.  There is no set schedule.    Don't let anyone tell you when or how to grieve.   Your love for your mother and hers for you will always be there.   You will still feel it.  It doesn't go away.    You will find strength that you didn't know you had.   You will get through it and live.    As far as your partner and how you communicate or share,  I can only tell you that just a strong silent arm around me is all I wanted.   My husband never had to say a word or I to him.   But when I did melt, He caught me.   I will remember you in my prayers, for strength and knowledge.     I hope I haven't said too much.... you just touched my heart.    God Bless.

[Guest k9iamnot]

Talk to your Mother about everything. Do not focus on her dying focus on her life.

Let her know she was a great mother and how she was a great mother.

Talk about her death, if she is scared comfoft her. Talk about her funerel.

What kind of flowers bring her caskets flyers so she can choose her own.

If she would rather be cremated ask where she wants her ashes to fly.

Bring Grandchrildren and friends to say goodby.

[oregonian]

My husband is diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, doctor prognosis is 3-6 months. Hospice just came is today. We have been married for 5 years, we are so close to each other. For the past 2 months after the diagnosis, we have been depressed. I cry hard especially at night. I have no family here, neither my husband. I felt like dying is easier than living, but I can't do it without God taking me. I am seeing a therapist, but at night, I am so scared, I don't know how I will live without him.

[Guest widowerman]

I can give little insight to the plight of so many of you out there. My wife battled Multiple Myeloma for almost 3 years. And then she died, I refuse to use any colorful metaphors for her death. Unlike the nurse who called me at 5am to say that my wife “expired”. She simply died. I was not there simply because I had no idea when my wife would die. My wife was a person, just as we all are. She was not a library card or a driver’s license that had a “due by” date stamped on her forehead.

 

Her doctors never gave her any “time table” of how much and for how long. When I look back, I am glad they did not. Each day you will be reminded of the fact that someone close to you is going to die, but then again, won’t we all? Ask yourself this one question. On the day that you were born and if a doctor told your mother that little Johnny, a.k.a YOU!, will die on such and such  a day, would that make you feel better? Or your mother?

 

I didn’t think so. So my advice for the two kopeks that its worth, don’t dwell on the timetable of life. Dwell more on just being there with that someone. That is all that we can do. I punished myself with these stupid inane timetables as well as the “what should I do next” attitude for much too long. I know this sounds crude as well as rude, but what will you gain to worry about someone who is dying? Or already dead?

 Did you ever worry about the flowers of Spring dying in the Fall? Did you watch and wait for those delicate flowers to die? Did you worry that the flowers will not return next Spring?  

 

Life, much like Math and a few other things, is not a spectators sport. People will be born each moment and people will die each moment. There is nothing to fear from life or death. These things are natural. If you cry or are weak for the person who is dying little by little in front of you, ask yourself, why must I punish them even more? Who are you that the world, that Heaven and Earth must stop to grieve for your pain and suffering? Right now most of you who are on death’s waiting list, the list that watches others die, are grieving too much about the “how do I go on without them.” I have been there, I have done that. It is a fruitless gesture of martyrdom. You will not achieve sainthood by constantly grieving.

However, if you must grieve, at least do not grieve to upstage the person on center stage, the person who is dying. They have enough on there mind already.

 

My wife died December 9, 2006, it was a Saturday. After I saw her dead lying on the bed at the nursing home in Wanaque, New Jersey, I went to work. And then I went on with my life.

[angelgirl63]

To Widowerman:  Wow. How were you able to instantly move on with your life, the second you viewed your wife's lifeless body? By your post, it seems like you didn't skip a beat. Was your employer surprised to see you show up to work that morning?

[Guest flame1111@msn.com]

[user=20148]oregonian[/user] wrote:

My husband is diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, doctor prognosis is 3-6 months. Hospice just came is today. We have been married for 5 years, we are so close to each other. For the past 2 months after the diagnosis, we have been depressed. I cry hard especially at night. I have no family here, neither my husband. I felt like dying is easier than living, but I can't do it without God taking me. I am seeing a therapist, but at night, I am so scared, I don't know how I will live without him.

My Mother Lives In Oregon and my father just passed in November. they were together since they were 15. I feel my fathers presence often. You will be separated

only for a time. I am an indigo and I am not like most people. If you should need to

talk I would be happy to try to help in any way I can,  my name is Julia and my e-mail is flame1111@ msn.com. You are an amazingly loving and strong woman to have come this far! I send you LOVE and LIGHT. There is a book by David R. Hawkins,

M.D., Ph.D. called "Reality and Subjectivity" that has a chapter on Death that may give insight, Chapter 14 titled "Considerations". You must both prepare for the journey ahead of you and realize that it the separation that will be the worst,

yet no more sufferring, he will return to the light and you will return to him within that light one day. In the process of coping you will grow and know many things about yourself.  Then you will return to him within the light. I send you my PRAYERS

and I ask if it is alright to allow many others to send you there their light through prayer!

[Guest Austin33]

Still haven't heard anything back from you - I hope your son is OK.

Austin.

[Kelly]

Guess who is traveling the farthest to our reunion?

It's Trudi.

Trudi is traveling all the way from Australia to Minneapolis, MN for our Beyond Indigo reunion in August!

If Trudi can make it, so can you! 

Come check our reunion page: http://www.beyondindigo.com/reunion/

Hope to see you there!

[Guest Guest]

My father-in-law has terminal bone cancer and they say he has 19 months to live.  I am ok with it and am prepared for him to pass, as is he. 

My question is how to help my Wife.  She is upset and it taking it out on me.  I am trying to be strong for her, but I don't know if I can take this for the rest of his time with us. 

Please someone help me with what to say to her or for me to do so I don't end up wanting to leave.  I love my Wife and kids very much but cant take the abuse for something that is out of my control.

Thanks

-Dan

[mofirefly]

Dan - WOW - not sure I can be of any help but I do think you've come to a place where at least letting others know how frustrated you are may help you cope.  First off, you don't have to be strong for you wife - you simply have to be there while she goes thru all of her emotions.  You can't fix this.  And please don't leave her because of how she is behaving - it's one of the crazy emotions that fill a person up when they can't bear the thought of losing someone they love.  Do try to find a place you can go to when things get too much for you to bear - but then go back and be with family again in as much of a normal way as possible - My husband got thru my anger, but I know it wasn't easy for him.....so just take a deep breath - and hold on - as it will be a bumpy ride...but it is a part of life.  Take care of yourself!  That way you will be able to help her, sometimes simply by listening (even tho you don't understand anything she says).   And please realize, she is NOT angry with you - she IS angry over something she also can't control.   Again - not sure if this helps, but hope it does a little bit.

[Kelly]

Hello!

Could you take a moment out of your days and elect Beyond Indigo for the spotlight program for American Express? You have to register but then you can vote for us. We need 50 nominations by tomorrow night Midnight!! If we win then we receive 100,000 dollars which I want to put towards a site administrator for this website. Can you please help and pass the word to the others?

Just go to http://shinealight.ivillage.com/, click nominees and type in Beyond Indigo and our name will pop up. The direct link to the page is here at

http://shinealight.ivillage.com/nominees/?PerPage=10&Order=&x=0&y=0&Search=Beyond+Indigo.

Let's shoot for 50 plus nominees by tomorrow night! Thank you for your help.

Kelly Baltzell

Founder

Beyond Indigo

[agnaq111809]

Hello, I don't know how you are doing.  I just lost my mother to Stage IV Lung Cancer earlier this month.  She had been diagnosed that early part of last month.  She went so quick that I'm still having a hard time accepting the fact that i won't see her again here on earth.  It's very hard.  I pray you are doing o.k.

[reddsfamily]

My dad just died to Stage IV Kidney (and liver?) cancer. It ended up spreading so I dont know what to call it. He would never really give a name for it. I didnt even know it was stage IV-and that it was bad- until a couple months after he told me.

I know chemo helped some, when i first started taking him he was always sarcastic. He treated it lightly because he didnt think it was really going to hurt him. but in the end he refused to do more treatment and ended up passing the week hospice started coming to our house.

I think if you know that yours or your loved one is terminal you should sort things out straight away/ My dad kept pushing his decisions out of the way and never really set anyhting up or helped us for now. We didnt even know for sure what he wanted done with his body. 

So as hard as it is you should make decisions early. It makes it alot easier for family.

[Guest saxu4@aol.com]

[user=0]widowerman[/user] wrote:

I can give little insight to the plight of so many of you out there. My wife battled Multiple Myeloma for almost 3 years. And then she died, I refuse to use any colorful metaphors for her death. Unlike the nurse who called me at 5am to say that my wife “expired”. She simply died. I was not there simply because I had no idea when my wife would die. My wife was a person, just as we all are. She was not a library card or a driver’s license that had a “due by” date stamped on her forehead.

 

Her doctors never gave her any “time table” of how much and for how long. When I look back, I am glad they did not. Each day you will be reminded of the fact that someone close to you is going to die, but then again, won’t we all? Ask yourself this one question. On the day that you were born and if a doctor told your mother that little Johnny, a.k.a YOU!, will die on such and such  a day, would that make you feel better? Or your mother?

 

I didn’t think so. So my advice for the two kopeks that its worth, don’t dwell on the timetable of life. Dwell more on just being there with that someone. That is all that we can do. I punished myself with these stupid inane timetables as well as the “what should I do next” attitude for much too long. I know this sounds crude as well as rude, but what will you gain to worry about someone who is dying? Or already dead?

 Did you ever worry about the flowers of Spring dying in the Fall? Did you watch and wait for those delicate flowers to die? Did you worry that the flowers will not return next Spring?  

 

Life, much like Math and a few other things, is not a spectators sport. People will be born each moment and people will die each moment. There is nothing to fear from life or death. These things are natural. If you cry or are weak for the person who is dying little by little in front of you, ask yourself, why must I punish them even more? Who are you that the world, that Heaven and Earth must stop to grieve for your pain and suffering? Right now most of you who are on death’s waiting list, the list that watches others die, are grieving too much about the “how do I go on without them.” I have been there, I have done that. It is a fruitless gesture of martyrdom. You will not achieve sainthood by constantly grieving.

However, if you must grieve, at least do not grieve to upstage the person on center stage, the person who is dying. They have enough on there mind already.

 

My wife died December 9, 2006, it was a Saturday. After I saw her dead lying on the bed at the nursing home in Wanaque, New Jersey, I went to work. And then I went on with my life.

[Kelly]

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

CEO/President

Beyond Indigo Family