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My loved one is going to die


daughterrachael

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Minna, You and yours are in my prayers all the time. I wish I could give you a hug and make it go away, but know that I am here if you need anything.

Mary Jo, We went to the doctor and I got them to do a PSA test, I got the results back yesterday it is now 125 that marks the cancer activity. I don't what to do??? I have not slept since. I know that John is depressed and scared, he has to be. I try to do things that keep him upbeat but the last few days he has been to himself. He just watches T.V. or let me say the T.V. is on. Sometimes I can get him to talk about things we have done and to let's get outside and just sit in the sun or play in the yard. Sometimes I wonder where my book of life is so I would know what to do next. I talk to GOD every day and that is how I make it. Everyone tells me that I am strong but I don't see it. If I was, then I shouldn't be so scared. I just don't know what I am suppose to do next. Thanks for listening. Since I haven't been sleeping very well please don't think anything of it, if I on here at 2 or 3 in the morning. REMEMBER THAT YA'LL ARE IN MY PRAYERS.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Minnababy, you're taking great care of your precious, dear mum. Take this one moment as it's handed to you. Try to care for her in it as well as you can, but also give yourself a little "self-time" for resting. You need to rest too. As dad who lost my daughter, and now facing my wife's life threatening illness with her, I understand. This is very painful and exhausting, I know. Hang in there, and know that we're here for you. I'm here for you anytime you need to talk. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad

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alwaysmyjennifer

Scared, when you face results and decisions that can be so painful drain our spirits of the energy and drive to go on. Yes, this is painful. Yes, this is difficult and exhausting. You will be able to get through this, and you will come through this time of sorrow. It's not easy, but if it helps any, I'm praying for you. I pray you may have peace for yourself, and strength to carry on. As you continue caring for your husband, please be sure to make time for yourself. This is important. We're here for you.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Melissa, it's always nice to hear from you, even though the reason we're here is so painful. I've been through seceral years of hearing my dear wife crying and begging for death, saying coldly she'd rather die than endure the agony. I know we'll be separated by this at some point, but I'm so thankful I'm with her. She's my whole world, my soul's reason to be. I tell you this to share a little of my hope. Even though we'll be taken from each other, it's so sweet to have "now". Hold onto him and fuss over him and spoil him rotten. While you're at it, spoil yourself a little too. You also need to feel good about being you. I also grieve for the loss of my daughter, who was killed in 96. The emotions are varied and intense, but don't fear them. We're here for you, and we'll help you through your journey. Mark, Jenni's dad

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alwaysmyjennifer

Mary Jo, thanks for the advice. I'll listen to you. (smiling) My happiest moments are when I am with my sweetie. She's been fairly alert lately, so I'm very happy. We've been watching old spaghetti westerns, silly cartoons, and even Sesame Street (hey! we are grandparents. hehehe). I'm looking forward to having most of my children home for Easter this year. I can't wait for the houseful of kids, my grandson, and loads of love. Be sure to rest and take care of yourself. I'm always here for you, always praying. Mark, Jenni's dad

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Mark, Thank You for the uplift. I am so sorry for your lose and the things that you and your wife are going thru now. My MOM always tells me that GOD doesn't put anything on our shoulders that we can't handle. He gives me the strength to make the day. I want to tell John about his PSA, but I am worried about he will take it. He doesn't handle bad news very well. Today we are having a fairly good day. He says he doesn't feel bad he just feels ugh! We just take one day at a time. I hope you and yours have a wonderful Easter. Remember you and yours are in my prayers. helen

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Hello to all my new friends. My mother is 84 years old and as dear to me as anyone can be. She is dying of dementia from small strokes. She currently has the mind of a 2 year old and on hospice in a nice board and care home. My family has deserted me because they want no responsibility for the cost of $4000/month, and also don't want to watch this slow deterioration of my once vibrant, beautiful mother. So, I visit her alone. I grieve her alone. My husband helps me as much as he can.

She still knows me, but is bedridden now. She cannot feed herself, is incontinent, cannot speak much, etc. No one knows how long she might live. She has good and bad days.

Can anyone offer me any advice? I see a therapist, garden and exercise. I hurt deep in my chest and cry all the time. I wish she would die, both for me and for her.

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thank you everyone for all your comments, it was an amazing feeling just to find this site, to realise that i am not the only one going through this, and not the only one feeling this way, && to find so many people who really care about everyone and what everyone is going through is amazing, i feel like at last i have found people who actually understand. x

RODLESS ;; i am so sorry about your husband, i can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. i've never known anyone who has this disease/known someone with it before. i know what it's like to see someone you love struggling to breathe, relying on oxygen and losing their independance. i think the hardest thing is that the doctors have no clear prediction of how long she's got left...2 months to a year is quite a gap, though nowhere near long enough either way. did you find that with your husband? i'm sorry if you don't want to talk about it don't feel that you have to. i'm just really scared && don't know what to expect. take care. x

SCARED ;; thank you - i wish that too. i used to wish that i would wake up and this would all be a bad dream, but i'm realising now that it's never going to happen. i hope that everything is going ok with you at the moment - or at least, as well as possible? take care. x

ALWAYSMYJENNIFER ;; thank you. i don't feel like i am taking good enough care of her, i feel like i am failing because there is nothing i can do to make her better. it feels like everyone has given up on her. i also feel bad because i live away from home at uni and so i don't get to see my mum as often as i'd like. sometimes i feel like just giving up so i can spend all my time with her, but i know she'd never let me do that! she want's me to make something of my life, and i want her to be proud of me. i was meant to be going to see her today but i got the flu so i couldn't go so i'm really upset :( but i didn't want to risk her getting ill cuz it'd just make her worse, especially if she got a cough it'd be terrible for her breathing. i'm very sorry about your wife, i hope you are both doing ok at the moment? take care both of you. x

MELISSA1026 ;; i am very sorry to hear about your husband, i understand how much it hurts to hear someone you love saying that they want to die. my mu said it last year, that if me and my brother weren't here to look after, then she'd just give up. she only said it the once && she probably doesn't realise how much it affected me, but it's something i will never forget. it made me feel so guilty just for being alive. i think it's great that you try to make every day happy, i think in the future you'll be glad that you have happy memories. my mum is really ill and all my little brother does is argue and shout at her, he makes her cry and it seems like he doesn't even care, i think he'll regret it, until last year i was a typical teenage girl arguing with my mum, i'm 19 now and we've stopped arguing and i'm glad i'll have happy times with her to remember in the future, but it hurts so much that she's going to be taken away from me just as we were starting to get on properly. i hope the good spell with your husband is continuing. take care. x

i am thinking of you all. minna-baby x x x

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Ok, I found out that he's doing hormone therapy, only had a month's worth of a shot so far... something called eligard... his PSA is 70... it's supposed to be 5. The doctors have told them that this has a success rate of 90 to 95 percent. He refuses to have a biopsy. They've said that he's at D2.

What I'm trying to figure out is what does pallative care mean for a cancer patient, the information on the drug says that it's for pallative care. My mother's convinced that this is going to cure him. Everything that I read says that the D means that it's stage 4. I'm getting convinced that the doctor is feeding him a line of bologna, and I hate to see that. I really hate to see my parents treated like they aren't supposed to know anything.

At least the kidney doc and the heart doc will both know what he's on. So far the kidney doc's actually treated my mother like an adult, so hopefully once he figures it all out, she'll actually know. She doesn't like to listen to me, after all I am the youngest.

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Nicki, type pallative care into goggle and you'll get an explanation. I hope the doctors will be open and honest with you. Sometimes it's really hard to face things but not having all the correct information makes it worse.

Minnababy, I don't mind talking about my husband's disease. Again, there is a lot of info on the net about it. It's a funny one - very unpredictable. It can stay stable for quite awhile and then progress very quickly, stop again and repeat. The only possible cure is a lung transplant and my husband was over the age limit and had cancer besides. When the struggle to breathe becomes really bad, morphine will help and while it's hard to watch them fade away, there is no other choice. I prayed for release for Rod when it became evident that there was not going to be a recovery but I miss him terribly.

Guest, do what you can for your mom but take care of yourself, too. It's so hard to watch someone you love no longer be able to take care of themselves. Makes us feel useless and frustrated as well as sad.

Helen, just thinking of you and hoping you have had a good weekend. If I had some magic advice to send your way, I would. Can only say I care.

Sometimes I just pray for all of those anywhere who are in the process of losing someone they love. So difficult and so hard to deal with. And so hard on the caregiver and survivor. God bless! Mary Jo

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alwaysmyjennifer

Nicki, here's a link for you, which I hope helps answer your questions... http://www.cancer.gov/dictionary/db_alpha.aspx?expand=p . I learned over the last five years of caring for my wife that she feels her pain more negatively when I look like I've just crawled out from under my car. If I take time and try to look like I'm ready to take her out for a date, she reacts more positively toward her pain. She has a lifethreatening illness, which we've been dealing with for several years. Please don't feel guilty about taking a little time for you, whether it's for rest (you need at least 6-7 hours sleep at night), or for treating yourself to a little pampering and makeup. I'm only saying this, so do what you see is best for you and your relationship. I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Jennifer's Dad

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alwaysmyjennifer

minnababy, As long as your mum has enough people to help her with her personal care, by all means, you should stay in university. I've found by experience that it's more difficult to get going again in undergrad or grad studies after taking extended time off for anything, and especially if that reason is the death of a loved one. We're here for you, and we'll help you with this for now. Just talk, and we'll listen and help you all we can. As your dear mum becomes more ill, we'll talk about what you may need to do, whether you may need to suspend your education for a semester. Take care of yourself, and be sure to get the rest you need. Get feeling better before you visit your mum, that way she doesn't catch the flu. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for thinking of us. My wife is doing ok. She has good days, bad days. Some days are stressful for me, knowing that someday I'll be without her, but I still need to be strong, because she's such a precious and beautiful woman. I cherish the moments we have. Hugs, Jenni's dad

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alwaysmyjennifer

Helen, considering the nature of the news, I'm kinda leaning toward saying this is a time to keep it from him. If you tell him, he may start giving up. This happened with us. When we came to a certain place in the illness, I told my wife what was happening, and she started giving up fighting the illness. Since, we've been struggling to keep her in the fight, trying to keep her strong enough and willing enough to go on. When you hit a certain place, it's like there's no turning back. Remember that you are a part of this too. You have a role in this fight and you need to take care of yourself too. Please be sure to get plenty of rest, eat well, and take care of yourself emotionally. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark, Jenni's dad

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Hello all,

I wrote on this forum days ago regarding my mom under the username "guest" because I was not yet registered. No none here even gave me the time of day. No kindness, no responses, nothing.

You say this site changes the way you feel about grief and loss. It certainly did not change that. But, it did change the way I feel about the people on this site. I am angry at all the people who can't find a minute to email everyone, not just the few. Not even the moderator. No welcome, nothing. Goodbye.

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Hilarys, I included you in a response 3 days after your post. I addressed you as guest and said I understood how frustrated and sad you must be. I'm sorry if you did not see it or think it was detailed enough. Not everyone reads or posts everyday but if you stay here, you will have some replies. I don't have any magic. All I know is to go forward one day at a time and do the best I can each day. I have not faced your exact situation, but I certainly know what it's like to watch a loved one slip away physically. It's a rough rough road and you need all the help you can find to go down it. Please accept mine. Mary Jo

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RODLESS ;; my mum isn't eligible for the lung transplant either, i think she was within the age limit, she's 54, but she also has quite severe oesteoporosis especially in her spine, which has been advanced by having to take steriods. she had tests but they decided that there was too great a risk she could end up paralysed, or something..so she can't have the transplant. so there's nothing. i've done loads of research on the internet, but it just scares me. i can't bear how she is at the moment, and how this disease has stolen away the person she was. i can't bear to imagine how she will soon be. i've experienced the change in speed of the disease, last august my mum was particularly bad, she told me a few weeks ago that back then she didn't think she'd still be alive last christmas, but it slowed down again. now i think it's getting worse quite quickly again. i think you are so brave, i don't know how i'm going to get through this. i hope all is well with you? minna x

ALWAYSMYJENNIFER ;; i'm glad that your wife is doing ok at the moment, i hope she still is?..i agree, i think staying in uni is the best thing because i don't think i would get back into it if i gave up. && i love what i'm doing, though it's so hard to concentrate sometimes. in a way i think it is good to not be living at home, because that way i can hide how much this is affecting me. i don't really want my mum to know how upset i am, because then she'd be even more upset...at least this way when i see her i can enjoy the time i have with her && show her that i will be ok. even if i won't. i'm trying to be strong, for me, her and my brother but it's difficult. it must be worse for my little brother anyway, we don't even know where he's going to live. i think she's getting worse though, quite quickly. i haven't seen her for a while, but i'm going to see her on sunday for mother's day. the last one i'm guessing. the little things upset me almost most of all. but also just thinking how scared she must be...it hurts, she must be so scared of what's going happen. i have to watch it, but she has to live through it. i wish more than anything that i could make it better, i feel so helpless..i'm sorry this went on for so long, i'm just feeling really bad at the moment, just walking to uni thinking about things i almost start crying. i don't know how to cope with how i'm feeling. but i hope very much that everything is going ok for you and your wife at the moment, and i hope that you are coping ok? i'm thinking of you both. minna x

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Hello All, it's been awhile since I've been on my computer decided to crash so I had to search out the site again. I pray for everyone as we watch our love ones go through illness and one day face death.

My mother went to chemo two weeks ago and they stopped it as it is not working and thus there is no point. They are going to do radition on a tumor they found near her bowel so 10 to 14 treatments and we'll see what happens. My older bother pretty much freaked out he isn't able to handle it as well as I am which really hard as we can't discuss it as he just shuts down. My mom is out having the fun she can bought a hot tub and she and my dad are going to on a cruise to Alaska in June which will be nice but I know it will be hard for her as she continues to get weaker by the day but she's a fighter and does what she wants and not what others think she should do. She and I are able to have fun and enjoy things still which she can't do with my dad as he has become angry and isn't able to deal with it.

minnababy, I'm sorry to hear about your mother it's hard to watch a love one go from an active person to one who is ill and in bed. I pray for you and your family. The Dr told us not to use the internet as the information is not always correct and can be overwhelming to a person.

alwaysmyjenni It's nice to see you on back online also it sounds like your wife is doing ok I hope she is having a lot of good days.

I wish i had more time to repsond today but I'm meeting my realtor to see about getting my house sold so it will free me up to be able to see my mom.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Bunnyrun, I'm sorry your mother's health is declining so much. When a parent is so seriously ill, often the children closest to that parent are unable to cope emotionally with the situation. Be patient with your brother, and simply try to keep certain issues from him. It's not so much panic, but his love for her and fear of losing a beloved parent that is hurting him so deeply. Now, kudos to your mom for her strength and her adventurous spirit! I hope and pray her strength and determination can carry her onward for a long time to come. I'm sure her character has given you many stories to tell (smiles). I think of my grandfather, much like that same spirit. These are great people indeed, inspirations to us all. Yes, my wife is actually doing fairly well. We've been through a great struggle, and while her present success doesn't mean we're winning the war, it does mean she'll have longer to live than we all previously expected. I'm happy. I'd do and give anything just to have her that "one more day". God bless you, my friend. May you have the peace you need and deserve. I'm thinking of you and praying for you as you sell the home. It's a big step, but one I understand. I'm here for you. Jenni's dad

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Alwaymyjenni,

Thank You, for your being there in my time of need. It awesome to see your wife is doing well. I know what you mean about having that 1 more day with them. It's hard to enjoy things at time but on the other hand you have to as life changes in a minute. I'm looking forward to Easter as it's my mothers special holiday as it's spring and the depression of winter lifts as everything begins to green up and little critters have their babies and the birds return it makes one realize how life it to be. We have had our share of snow here in Colorado so glad to see the warmth come and the ability to enjoy the outdoors and it will be easier on my mom as she gets cold easily. It's so nice to have a place you can come and chat and not have to worry about what you say as others understand the stress and the toll it takes on ones ability

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alwaysmyjennifer

Bunnirun, my prayers are with you as you approach the Easter holiday. May your mom enjoy it to the fullest. Thank you for writing and for your kindness. I appreciate it very much.

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troubledtimes

Hi All. I have been reading the messages on this site and have been comforted by all the kind words.

My Dad has Pulminary Fibrosis (he's 57), both his brothers have died from this disease and he is currently waiting on the lung transplant list. His health has deteriorated considerably over the past 6 months and without a transplant will only have a few more months. My distress is intensified by my upcoming wedding (in July). This may sound selfish, but I want my Dad to walk me down the isle. I am so scared that he might not make it. The disease can deteriorate quite rapidly, one of his brothers was well enough to go on a one-week cruise in May and was dead by August.

My own mental and physical health is suffering. I feel like I am on a roller-coaster and can't get off - I'm planning the best day of my life at the same time as preparing for the worst. I am a teacher, and my patience and tolerance of students (and even other teachers) is at an all-time low. I'm finding it hard to enjoy my job (which upsets me more because I really love teaching) and I feel quite stressed out most of the time. I feel like I'm falling apart.

My fiance has been amazing, but I need to find a way to manage my conflicting emotions. I find myself to be quite emotional (which is not normal for me) and I'm crying alot.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can manage this situation? How can I manage my emotions better?

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alwaysmyjennifer

Troubledtimes, first I'll offer you my sympathy and words saying that I'm sorry you must face this difficult and painful time with your dad. His one great wish is to walk you down the aisle (a father thing, as I know, for I have one going through this great step in her journey of life too. Congratulations to you and your beloved, and may you both enjoy a sweet, loving, relationship and marriage for a very long life together. To tell you how to deal with so much, I can tell you this, that you will be best to take your days moment by moment. When you face a stressful situation, look into the choices you can possibly make, then investigate each. Make the best choice for your situation with the best outcome. Stay with it, and you'll most likely see that this is a wise way of acting. Our prayers and thoughts of peace are with you, Jenni's dad

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troubledtimes;; i am so sorry to hear about your dad, my mum has pulmonary fibrosis too (she's 55). i kind of understand how you're feeling, i wish i could help you, but i am also finding it hard to cope with my emotions, and also seem to be crying all the time, i get annoyed with people much more easily, like i am taking out how i feel on them. i don't know how people can possibly prepare themselves for something like this, i don't think it's possible. but don't give up, there is still a chance that your dad will get the transplant, and you have to try to think positively, no matter how hard that seems. good luck with your wedding, and congratulations! i hope that everything works out for you and your family. i am also struggling to come to terms with the fact that my mum won't be at my wedding, being only 19 and still at uni i'm not planning on getting married for quite a few years yet, and with my mum's health deteriorating rapidly (she is not eligible for a lung transplant because she has really bad oesteoporosis in her spine) i have recently found myself constantly thinking about everything my mum won't be there for in my life, my graduation, wedding, children etc and it hurts so much, especially as i haven't had any contact with my father for years, so it would have been my mum walking me down the aisle. it makes the future feel pointless somehow, i don't know how i am going to cope without her. anyway, i'm sorry i kind of drifted off the subject slightly. i'm thinking of you, and hope that it is possible for your dad to have a transplant very soon. stay strong.

minna x x x x x

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Hi...I am so happy to have found this site. My mother is dying. I am beside myself with grief and anxiety at the moment. I keep waitng for that phone call from hospice. I feel like I don't want to be away from her but I have responsiblities. I don;t want to be alone when I get this call either but I can't stay with friends or family for weeks on end. Its just really getting to me at the moment.

I'm SO afraid that she will die alone. I so much want to be with her when she transitions from this world to the next. She is all I have left now...I am an only child and a serious mommy's girl. I'm scared to death that I won;t be able to carry on. I know that is not the case as i am a very strong individual but I never lost the most precious thing in the world to me before. I am scared to death of not having her in my life. I just can;t even imagine it.

This passt week I made all the arrangment because I know that when the time comes, I will not be able. I already feel like somebody is sticking their arm fown my throat and is pulling my heart out.

Sighhh...Reen

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Hi...I'm back again so soon! I am having severe difficulty carrying on with my everyday reponsibilities. Last week I was off for 2 days and today again I can do nothing but sit here a scream my head off. My freind called and just screamed at me to pull myself together because I couldn't breath. It helped. At least I am not in complete and utter hysteria at the moment. I was a mess last night too. The anxiety was so bad I could barely stand it.

My fatel mistake today was to call the nursing home. They said that my mother was unresponsive. I could not get a straight answer wheter or not I should be there so I called hospice. I am waiting for them to call me back. The bad thing about being in the nursing home is that I have to go out in public. I get quite upset and it is veyr enbarrisng. This agony is like no other.

Reen

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How does one deal with a sibling who is being inconsiderate. My mother has cancer and he makes the statement to me that I'm not having to deal with it everyday well I live 3 hours away. I've put my house on the market but I can't sell it overnight. He fails to realize that he hasn't offered his home for me to stay at. It's one thing to live in town and visit but it's hard to visit and have no way to get away from it as I'm in the house 24 hours. He has never called me through out this process and discussed anything. I don't think he realized how his comment effected me. Benefit of the doubt or be upset?

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Bunnyrun - I seem to always go with benefit of the doubt first (even tho I'm upset). Have you asked your brother if there was a possibility you could stay in his home??? Sometimes what is obvious to us has never occured to others. When faced with this type of situation, people behave very differently and there is not absolute right or wrong and this adds to the emotions that are hammering away at you 24/7. I'm assuming you are a female...if so please realize that males are a completely different species when it comes to emotional situations. Please try to let the love you have for your family guide you...it will be a difficult journey to take.

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jackiewitter

Bunnyrun, I agree with mofirefly, give him the benefit of the doubt. Primarly because this is something that the two of you will have to handle together. I would encourage you to ask you brother if you can stay there with him for periods of time. You may not want to move in, but extended stays could help both of you work through this. My little brother and I handled many of these issues when our father passed away, and we were in similar situations. Jeffrey was in the same town as my father and I was about 3 and 1/2 hours away. I went home every weekend and Jeffrey and I shared the joy of going to the nursing home and getting my father to bring him to his house to spend the weekends. I am ever grateful for those times because exactly two short years later Jeffrey was killed in an accident. God blessed us two-fold. We were able to be there with Daddy when left us to be with my mother, and we were able to share that experience together. I am passionate about this because you never know when someone is going to be taken from you. I have made it my personal mission to try to help brothers and sisters whenever I see the opportunity. I wish that I could give to every sibling what Jeffrey and I shared, but I know not all relationships are like that. If it has to be you that makes the move and ask him if you can stay there, then so be it. I just would encourage you to do that for you, your brother and your mother. I hope I am not being to forward, I just think it's very important for you both to be there together and not end up with regrets. I will keep you in my prayers that God holds you close to him through this difficult time. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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Good Afternoon,

Beyond Indigo is undergoing a redesign and upgrade. We have been working on this project for many months now and have a few more updates to make before it will go live. One of these updates or new features is an e-card program. People will be able to send out I am thinking of you cards, birthdays, anniversary of the loss cards, etc. We are looking for people to submit e-cards they have created to be included in this program. We do have the ability to send out the cards with a watermark on them. The artist would retain the copyright unless we purchased the e-card or it was given to us freely. If you have some e-cards you have created and want them to be considered please email them to Kelly@beyondindigo.com.

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

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Thank You,

I appreciate everyone and your responses I have tried to stay there but excuses. I'm to the point that I have to respect the way he deals with her illness in his way and deal with in mine but the reality is he is missing out on so much as he is not included due to the way he acts. My mom and I can talk about

death openly we've planned her service and are planning things for after the fact she loves to give gifts and doesn't want to stop just because of dying.

Theresa

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4everjoeysmom

Theresa, I can truly sympathize with you regarding the frustrations and longing to have your brother be more involved. I have one brother. He is 2 years younger and my only sibling. He has always had his own ideals about life, communication, relationships and so forth, and sometimes I wonder how can a person be so removed and not feel guilt or pain in knowing they are truly "missing out" as you said. I remember when my mom had cancer surgery, I went and stayed with her the whole time as she prepared at home and went into the hospital. I prayed with her, enocuraged her, cried with her, everything. And I remember how my mom just kept hoping my brother would show up. He finally did, in the preop waiting area just moments before they took her up to surgery. I guess at least he showed up, but I was so upset with him while watching my mom wait and hope, and wait and hope. When my dad had a double bypass I called and begged my brother to come. He visited my dad a day or two after the surgery. What is he hadn't made it through the surgery, I thought? My brother just always has something more urgent or important to tend with it seems. He was the one that phoned me to tell me Joey died. I remember how cool and calm he was, and I'll never forget the way he told me. I hoped for so long that my brother would be closer to my two sons since he doesn't have any children, and I remember him always saying he would do this or do that...but it was so rare and far between that my boys really never had a relationship with him. Now it's too late with Joey, and I don't see it affecting any change regarding my brother wanting to keep more in touch with any of us--his family. He calls my mom more regularly now, but I wonder sometimes if it's because she loaned him money when he was really down and out for a time recently. Who knows? That's between him and God really. All I can do is keep praying for my brother to "wake up" and realize what's passing him by as he continues chasing his own ideals. I'm not bitter or angry anymore. I'm just sorry for him and disappointed for the hurt my family has experienced through the tough times when he has been too busy to call, visit or show an act of concern. I suppose in telling you all of this, I just want to share that for the longest time I focused on my brother and his issues that caused heartache in our family. And for the longest time I ached over that. These days I just pray about it and have given it to God. I am learning that even with my own life example, sometimes it isn't enough to convince someone else what they are missing out on where family is concerned. If my parents both having gone through life threatening health crises and the death of my son didn't shake the situation loose, I can't imagine anything that I could possibly do or say will, so I've learned to let go and let God. I sympathize for my sister in law who struggles with my brother in this daily challenge to "get him involved" in family. I still have hope that one day my brother will come around, but I'm sad for him, because if and when he ever does he will realize so much that has passed him by.

In the meantime, as you struggle with some of these similar thoughts and hopes for your own brother, cherish and enjoy every moment with your mother as you are doing. She needs you and your being there to comfort, console, listen, talk and pray with and for her. This is the most special gift you can give in this time--the gift of yourself. Who knows? Maybe one day (for you and I alike) we will be able to share with our brothers what we experienced if and when they come around. And while they might have had the first-hand opportunity pass them by, I pray we can be gracious enough to share and let them live it vicariously through us.

God bless you Theresa. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs, Claudia

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Bunnyrun ;; i can totally understand how it feels to have your brother reacting in a totally different way to how you are coping. my brother is almost 17 and i'm 19, our mum is dying but he just refuses to accept it. if anyone even mentions anything about the situation he just shouts/walks out the room. although i understand how difficult it must be for him to come to terms with the fact that his mum is dying, it's just as hard for me && i think it's so unfair that i am the one who is having to listen to what's going to happen/talk about funerals && stuff with my mummy just because i'm the oldest && feel like i have to, because honestly i don't feel old enough to cope with it either :( in another way i feel very sorry for him, because in the future he's going to wish he hadn't argued with her/spent more time with us && it'll be too late to change it. so really i wish he'd try to accept it for his sake just as much as anyone elses. in a way i guess it's just two different ways of how we're trying to cope with the situation..

i hope that eventually everythign works out with your brother. until then - i'm thinking of you.

minna x x x x

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alwaysmyjennifer

Minnababy, allow your brother time and space to work through this in his own way. He's first a young man, meaning men and women face grief differently. He's also younger than you, so he's going to react to his feelings of grief vastly different from those of us who are older. Allow him to express his feelings in his way, even if it means for now that he denies everything. In time, he may suddenly explode with emotions, which I'd say to also allow - even the anger - as long as you make sure that he's clear on the rule that nobody gets hurt. You don't need to be the strong one, even if you're the oldest. Allow your own feelings. If the others in your family see them, it's okay. In the long run, you'll all be better for walking the journey together. My prayers are with you. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad. Please feel welcome to write anytime. We're here to help each other.

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Hello Everyone,

Minnababy I'm sorry to hear about your mum and pray for your family, I appreciate your support.

Forever joeys mom I can't I know what it's like to lose as a child as I don't have any. This may sound stange and I mean no offense but perhaps my mom will watch over him when her time comes to move on she's not his mother but maybe someone to help him until the day you are reunited. I guess I want to think that my mom will continue to help others and her love for children and animals will continue elsewhere. If you would like to share information about your love I would love to hear it. Thank You, for your kind words and it helps me.

Alwaysmyjennifer, it's been awhile since we've had a chat how are things going out your way? I hope things are going well. Please let me know you are like the rock of this message board.

Goodnight All,

Theresa

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alwaysmyjennifer

Hi Theresa! I've been trying to get time to stop in here when I can, but I've been out straight with things at home (my wife is doing poorly of recent days), so I've been close to home. This is Jenni's day, so I've been feeling "those" emotions. I miss her so very much. Other than this, all is well here. It's good to hear from you. Hugs, Mark, Jenni's dad

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I am 51 and my Daddy is 86 and dying in the hospital. All he wants is to go home and die at the farm he has lived in his entire life. My mom is really resisting this, doesn't want to deal with it, and doesn't want hospice yet. I think she's in denial, thinks he'll live longer in the hospital.

My grief is so deep, so sharp, so sad, that I can't imagine what it will be like when he passes. If you knew what a decent, honorable, kind, honest, hard working man he was all his life, you would know what a loss this will be.

I know he is old, I know I am lucky to have him this long, but my heart is breaking.

Melody

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Melody, I don't think it matters what age we're at when we lose a parent. I was 49 when my dad passed away and my mom was 68 when she lost her mother. Both were very difficult to deal with. I think you mourn the contact with your childhood as well as the person themselves. I only have good things to say about Hospice. My husband died last July under their care at home. He was like your dad... just wanted to be at home when the time came and I am so glad we did it that way. Their care is very peronalized and very competent. You were lucky to have such a wonderful father and even though you will miss him deeply, you will find some measure of peace because he will be at peace. Mary Jo

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Hello Everyone,

I've been coming to this site for the past 17 months and it has given me peace to deal with my mother being sick. She died on the evening of July 9th 2007 and it was peaceful. I was able to handle the plans she had for after she had moved on to the next journey and my brother who is an ER nurse was able to take care of all the needs that were medical.

To all I would suggest getting the 5 wishes book it is free at most hospices, funeral homes, hospitals. It allows the person who is ill to make their wishes known to all and takes away the should of, could of, would of had I known. My mother became an inpatient at Hospice on the 3rd of July and on the 5th is was being discussed about bringing her home or not. I was able to find her 5 wishes and it clearly stated she wanted to die at home if able to. My father was presented with this as he had to be the one to make this happen. I'm lucky as we all agreed no matter what her wishes would be honored even if someone disagreed. She was brought home by ambulance on Friday the 6th and was alert all weekend long and on Monday she decided this journey was to be concluded and we all told her go don't wait around for us.

It hurts to say she is gone but it is peaceful knowing she was given everything she wanted in the final days she was still in control even though she couldn't speak at times, and her services were pre planned and what she wanted not what someone else in the family thought she wanted.

To all it is a hard topic to deal with as everyone is different in dealing with an illness they know will result in death. I looked at it backwards what did I need to do to assist my mother and allow me to move on in my life to honor her and her legacy. I talked with her everynight and discussed things and found out things and now my brother who was not on the same page I was is asking about these things and he only hears them 2nd hand. I don't fault him but hope that he is able to find peace someday.

I hope and pray for each and everyone of you that your loves and you are able to work though things as I know this time is so hard and easy to be angry and hateful and be upset with others. I've been there but the bottom line it wasn't about me but my mom. Judy she lived her life to the fullest, and less than a month ago she was on a cruise to Alaska she knew she was dying but didn't let it stop her from living.

I would like to help anyone who needs it as many of you helped me through this trying time

Sincerely,

Theresa

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i used to write here a lot, && all your support really helped me handle my mum's illness. she died on 3rd july && i just feel so empty. i know it sounds stupid, but even though almost 3 weeks have passed, i'm still finding it really hard to believe that she's gone. although she had been really ill, no-one expected her to die so suddenly - she had seemed okay the day before, i was looking after her at home, && she was talking about things that i needed to do the next day etc, then the next morning when i went into her room, she was breathing terribly, her lips were blue && she was kicking her arms around && stuff, me && my brother were so scared (i'm 19, he's 17) we called a friend && they called an ambulance, the ambulance men wouldn't let us go in the ambulance with our mum, so her friend took us to the hospital && when we got there they told us she had died in the ambulance, i never even got to say goodbye, i honestly thought i'd see her again at the hospital. the only thing i can keep remembering is that while i was trying to keep the oxygen mask on ehr face at home because she was moving around so much, she squeezed my hand, she knew i was there but that's the only comfort i have, i didn't even get to tell her how much i loved her. i can't get the images out of myhead of how she looked that morning. it wasn't meant to happen like that, she wanted to be in hospice when she died so that our hosue wouldn't have bad memories, now whenver i go into her room i get goosebumps and a weird cold tingling in my neck. at first i cried loads, but after that i've found it hard to even cry, i feel so guilty. deep down i know she's gone, but it's like my head won't let me believe it or think about it, i thought it'd hit me at the funeral && at the time it did, i cried so much, but i couldn't believe it was my mummy inside that box, but now i feel like she's gone away for a bit && is going to come back && it makes me feel so guilty, i just miss her so much, even though i've got my brother & friends & boyfriend & all his family to support me, i have never felt so alone, there are so many things i want to talk to her about, and it feels like most people think i should be feeling a bit better by now, but to be honest, i don't think it's even hit me properly yet, i just can't believe my mum is gone, i miss her so much, and don't know how i'm going to live the rest of my life without her, my 20th birthday was 2 days ago && it just felt so weird her not being her, not getting a card from her, i hated it. the house feels so empty. sometimes i feel so angry that i've lost out on the rest of my life with my mum, i just don't see any point in anything any more, i jsut feel like i'm doing things-sortting things out etc without even thinking and just because i have to. my mum was so brave, she had been so independant before her illness and i hate to see how IPF stole that from her, and so at least she isn't suffering anymore, but what hurts so much is that she died so unexpectedly all alone in an ambulance, i wish i could have been there i feel so guilty and i just miss her so much. i'd do anything to talk to her again. and why do i feel like this isn't real - i want it to feel real so i can be upset etc but i just feel stuck.

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Minnababy,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I know you are upset about your mother passing away and not being able to be there with her when she died. When my mother died we opened the window perhaps try it and see if that helps you in her room. She knew you were there and the love and support you gave her. I know that my mother is gone in body but not spirit. Find something you and your mother loved to do together and do it as it will be a hard thing but perhaps you will feel her there with you. A mothers bond with her children is not broken by death. I'm Native American so I believe in different ways of death than others mine are right or wrong it's just the way I deal with the death of my mother. For example my hair was long and after her death I cut it as a way to mourn her loss. If your mom was in Hospice care I can't believe they didn't give you some guidance in the process of someone dying which would have perhaps prepared you for some of the things which happened and not been such a shock.

You are suffering not only the lost of your mom but the loss of the ability to say goodbye. Try and find a way to say goodbye it will never replace that which was denied to you but maybe give you a way to resolve it a letter send it in the air or burn it keep it.

Will Hospice give you the 13 months of counseling or are they sending you out on your own?

Let me know if you need to chat I'm 33 and it's been a rough ride I don't have all the answers I wish I did as neither you or I would be going through this suffering our mothers would be healthy and happy enjoying their lives with us.

Theresa

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i just want to die, there is no point anymore. i miss my mum so much, i don't want to live without her. i just want to talk to her again, i can't remember anything, and i feel so guilty and alone and scared and i just want my mummy back, it's so unfiar why did she have to die, i love her SO MUCH i just want her to come back, no-one understands, everyone thinks i should be okay now, it's been 3 weeks but to me no time has passed, the pain inside is worse than it was at the start, why did i have to lose my mum, she wasn't old enough to die, i wasn't old enough to lose her, it's not fair. it's like my life stopped 3 weeks ago, since then i've just been living because i have to, i miss her so much

bunnyrun - my mum wasn't actually in hospice, she had been to look round and was going to go in there closer to the end, but in the end it just happened so quickly and unexpectedly. i don't know if the system is different in england (i'm guessing you're in america?) but no, i don't get councelling. i didn't know what to expect when my mum died, i just thought she'd be in hospice by then and all the responsibility would be out of my hands, but now it all just feels liekmy fault ina way, i just miss her so much

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Minnababy,

Yes, I'm in the US Colorado to be exact, I'm not certain how the system works in England but I'm sure there is somethings are different. I understand you will never be the same and only you know how much time you need and others should respect this and not force you to get over it. It is not your fault that your mum died. You did all that knew to do and that's all she would ever ask of you I'm sure. Would it be fair to say you want to live but want her here to share it with her. What would your mum say if she knew the pain you were in was caused by her. Would you rather have her here and in pain for you. I mean no offense but I know how hard it was to let my mom go and I was there when she died and I'm angry she wasn't able to make it to her birthday this August. It sucks that she cared for people as a nurse for 20 years but nobody was able to tell her she was sick and save her life. There are days I'm mad as hell it was her and not someone else in the family. I will never get over the lost of my mother and I will take her everwhere with me. At times I wish I could have gone with her so she wouldn't be alone on the journey but I know that she left things her undone and I want to finsih them for her. I want to continue her love of traveling, and history.

I would love to her about your mom if you would like to tell me about her. My mother loved England she was there in August of 03 and traveled all over and into Scotland. She knew more about the royal family than the president of the USA. I wish the best for you and let me know if I may be of help to you.

They love our loves ones who have died come to us in our dreams as we are able to connect with them there. I hope this is true for you as I'm sure you would love to talk with her.

Theresa

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Hi, everyone. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in April, and the oncologist estimates that she'll pass away within a year. She was so bad off a few weeks ago, that I was bracing myself for it to happen a lot sooner. I'm so scared and distraught. For some reason, I've been a mess today. She's actually been feeling a little better lately, so I don't get why I'M not.

I'm 22, and my mom is 60. We are very close, always have been. I still live at home, so it's been very difficult to watch her health steadily decline. I just realized today, more than ever before, how much I'm going to miss her, and all of the things she's going to miss, and that I'll have to go through without her. It's horrible, and unfair. I'm just so sad, and scared, and I feel very alone. My brother is in denial, my dad won't talk to ANYONE, and none of my friends understand. In fact, it makes them uncomfortable. Sooo, I thought I'd come here and vent to this board. Thanks for reading...

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I know how you feel my daughter had a very aggressive form of Hodgkins and then she developed pneumonia and hung on to life such as it was for six weeks. I knew there was a chance she wouldn't make it but when the time came it devastated me. Now I just sit and wonder if this had been different she would have lived.

The only advise I can give make this time count and tell her how much you love her it doesn't get easier even with knowing the prognosis. My daughter was only 25 with a five year old son and her marriage was not the best.

Just spend time with your mom and cherish the moments together and keep them in your memory for later on. I also rely on God for my help it is a comfort when no one else is there.

Deb

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hello everyone. i am looking for some advise with a situation. my father-in-law has stage 4 cancer in his lungs and bones. he is very weak and skinny. they called in hospice and he just got oxygen. he is not bed ridden but he has trouble with the smallest things, such as walking to the bathroom. so, here is where i need some help: my mother-in-law is in and out of denial, about 30 times a day. she has told me that her and her husband talk all the time about his condition. i won't go into detail here, but the conversation she had with me about what they talk about was very detailed and she semed clear on what the end result will be. yet she continues to say that we will beat this and panics when he gets short of breath. she thinks it is a reaction to the treatments (that were stopped a month ago.) what do i do??? i understand the stages of grief. i understand that everyone goes thru them differently. i don't think that saying point blank to her . . . . will be of any benefit. it will probably be harmful. she and her husband have read some books on death and dying and found them very comforting. she has a huge amount of support in every possible way----including me. but it tears me up that she bounces around to this degree ALL the time. i just don't know what to do. it makes me an emotional wreck and right now i also am having marriage trouble, depression issues, and O C D issues. maybe this is why i can't figure out what to do on my own. any advise would be great. thanks for listening. heather

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Hi hmtod73,

There is really nothing you can do, except to be there for your father and mother-in-law. When faced with death, I think it is natural to talk about the reality of it one minute and then talk of them beating it the next. That's called hope. Even when we know it's not going to happen, we need just that little glimmer of hope to continue coping on a day to day basis. My mother died 16 years ago of lung cancer that had also progressed into her bones. She had never smoked a cigarette in her life. It was six weeks from diagnosis to death for her. We were told that it would be six months, so were amazed at how quickly she was gone. At the same time, it was also a blessing that she did not have to suffer any longer than she did. I remember that we also talked honestly about her condition, yet at the same time held out hope that somehow she would beat it. I don't think that's uncommon. Our head knows what's happening, but our heart can't accept it. My advice, for what it's worth, is to be gentle with your mother-in-law. It sounds as though she really does know what's ahead. She just can't believe it's really happening. That doesn't mean that you have agree that he's going to live. Maybe it means you don't respond at all when she talks that way. Maybe just taking her hand or giving her a hug at that moment, or telling her you know it's hard. That might be enough. There is no right or wrong way to face the death of someone we love, that's for sure.

My own father entered Hospice care this past week. He's fought pulmonary fibrosis for five years (also a non-smoker) and has finally just about lost the battle. I find myself in denial some days too, since he has already beaten the odds several times. The life expectancy with this disease is 3 - 5 years and he's in year six. I think that makes it easier to want to deny it. At the same time, I am realistic. We are losing him. Again, my head knows it, but my heart does not want to accept it yet. On the other hand, my prayer now is that his suffering will not go on much longer. I say that in one breath, then feel guilty about saying it in the next breath. It is so complicated, isn't it? When it's someone we love dearly, it is just so hard to let them go.

Take care,

DianeS

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Hello All,

I've been coming here for about 17 months my mother lost her battle with small bowel cancer last month. It was hard to say goodbye and I would give anything to have her back healthy and able to continue living her life. I know it helped me as I was able to assist her in her needs, wants and desires before her death. My brother was in a different position of doing eerything he could to save her and I had resolved myself to know she was going to die and there was nothing I could about it and had to find a way to accept it and be able to move on. I was very lucky that my mom was open and honest about dying. She and I would talk about things and what she wanted we were able to plan her services and make certain all the things she needed to resolve were down before she died. I can only say find out what your love ones wants as it's so much easier for me to know that my mom is OK with the things I'm doing with my life after she passed and it doesn't matter if others agree or not as I have her approval and that's all that matters to me in my grieving for her. See if you can get the 5 wishes and ask them to fill it out as it makes decisions so easy when the time comes as you focus on the person and making certain they continue to be in control of their lives and not allow others to make the decisions for them. We all grieve in our own way as to protect ourselves from the overwhelming pain that comes with loss of a loved one. I find peace in knowing that my mother is out of pain and able to look in on me at anytime. I knew the hardest part of the lost would be not to hear her voice again so I left a voicemail message on my cell phone and when I get lonely I play it for myself and it makes me realize she's here in away. The part that stinks about loving a love one is you wish the enitre world would feel your pain that your love one matters and makes a difference. I wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers.

Theresa

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Heather, I can identify with your mother-in-law. She is handling things the only way she can. I did a similar bouncing around when my husband was home on hospice. I knew he would die but yet kept hoping that somehow he would have a miraculous turnaround. He could not even get out of bed for the last 6 weeks of his life and was depending on 15 liters of oxygen to keep him alive ....pulmonary fibrosis brought on by a rare reaction to chemo for non-hodgkins. It is so hard to watch someone struggle to breathe and not panic when they are gasping. I am glad you are such a good support for them both. Mary Jo

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thanks you to DianeS and Rodless for your advise. i do appreciate it. at the time i wrote i was having trouble dealing with the situation and could not think straight. i do understand the heartache of watching a loved one die knowing there is nothing we can do to save them. that is what i did with my mom. i do think my in laws are in the best position they can be in for such a crappy situation.the last 3 days have been exceptionally good for him----almost great. which i am glad for, but in the back of my mind i wonder is this the calm before the storm?

DianeS---i'm so sorry that you are going thru this with your father. you are such a strong person and i know you are doing all you can for your dad. make every moment the best. take care. heather

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ladyofthehouse

My mum is dying. I found out a couple of days ago. I feel as though I'm losing my mind. Cant stop crying, feel anxious all the time, dizzy, sick. nauseous. Frighterned to go to bed because I'll think more. There are only 3 of us left...mum, sister and myself. Mum and sister dont get on . I find my sister is a bully (even though I'm in my 50's and she's in her 60's..she's always been domineering and she still scares me ). Mum was found to have cancer of the pancreas. The doctors have said its advanced and mum only has months , possibly weeks , to live. Mum had always said she wouldn't want to know if she was dying, so the doctors have said she has an obstruction. If she asks outright then they'll tell her.

I feel so low...I wish I could go through it for her. I just feel like dying with her. My sister has started to ask about mums will... I just want to wrap mum in a blanket and run away with her to make her better...but that wont work. I've always told my mum how much I love her. She always tells me she loves me too. When I said it to her yesterday and she replied, it just tore my heart apart knowing it's one of the last times I'll hear her say it. She is the person I most admire and respect in the whole world. She is my very best friend and I dont want her to go. I just want to be with her always

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