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Susie_q512

I Don't Know What To Believe...

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kelly   

Talk about what you want to believe, where your questions lie on spirituality and what happens to our loved ones when they die.

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swede1   

While I started my quest for beliefs over a decade ago ( having had no former, solid belief system when I was a youth ), it's been my 3 major losses that have pushed me to question EVERYTHING. I am now compelled and obsessed with finding some answers; otherwise my life WILL have no meaning for me. The only thing I'd been sure of ever since I was a young girl, was that everything that ever lived has a soul, and that somehow, science and the beliefs around the world HAD to someday marry and overlap, so that there would be found some truth in each, to end up supporting each other. There is a statement that I'm not even sure if I read, or if my own mind said it, that I feel MUST sum it all up somehow, and that is: Life CANNOT contradict Life. In essence, this would mean that death is just...not...true, not in the way we've come to think of it. It can only be yet another illusion, based only in the physical, with no real truth to it. My heart says that it must be this way, but my head won't be convinced 100% without 'proofs' because, like most, I've been brainwashed by early science which was rather 'kicked out of' the whole picture by religion, and ended up dealing only with the physical. Now I see it coming back full circle, with quantum physics reflecting spiritual beliefs in a way that was previously rejected. Although quantum science theories have been around for about 70 years, the public hasn't been aware of these 'newer' ideas and proofs that things aren't as we were taught to believe. The movie "What the Bleep Do We Know?" sums up alot of it and I sincerely hope enough people seeing it will drastically change our thoughts, which are really the only things (energies) with any power. I found every idea in this movie supported the principles in A Course In Miracles, which I'd started studying somewhat about 10 years earlier. The Course is Christian-based, and that's the part I found hard to get through, even though it says this religion was misinterpreted in so many fundamental ways. Because those errors were the ones that gave me so many problems, and resulted in my rejection of Christianity as we commonly know it, it was a hard sell for me, despite the better news in The Course. So when the movie supported The Course, I was ecstatic! HERE was the common thread I'd been looking for all my life. Here was the miracle. I look forward to this new learning curve, yet wonder if all my previous conditioning will make it too difficult to ever accept 100%....which would unfortunately change the outcome completely.

The outcome I'm desiring, with all my heart and soul, is complete enlightenment, in whatever manner, so that miracles could be 'performed' as easily as breathing, as they're meant to be. The ultimate goal for me is either to KNOW, w/o a shadow of a doubt, that I will either be reunited with my loved ones, for as long as I wish, or even be merged in some way with them ( I'm not THAT picky! ), or, because I'd KNOW HOW we're all One, those details wouldn't even matter to me somehow....and I could just rest. In other words, I could live without a care in this world, no matter what my physical eyes saw. The paradox, of course, is that while in the depths of grief and yearning, believing there IS a veil that separates us, even to a small extent, I can't believe the opposite....that it is NOTHING BUT my beliefs/thoughts that cause the illusion of separation. So I still feel like I need more and more PROOF that we've all been SO wrong about the REAL laws of the Universe, Creator, whatever we each want to call It....and therefore, I know what I WANT to believe, but can't yet force myself to believe it wholly, so that it CAN be true.

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swede1   

Hey! How come no one's using this forum? We asked for it folks, now it's up to us to take advantage of it before it's pulled for lack of interest! ( either this one or the other new one, "Other Beliefs" )It does me no good talking to myself.:~)

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Swede1, I would rather not engage in this thread unless you specifically ask for my answers. I am trained in theological seminary, so I have a different approach to the issues you are discussing. I am open to the opportunity of talking to you about this, but I will not try to convert you. If you truly want to know what I believe, I'll gladly tell you. I'm devout in my faith, and cherish my beliefs. You may think some of my beliefs radical, but we are all unique, and we have come here to help each other heal and grow. I may get you thinking of things, but I will not shove my beliefs in your face. We've talked of many things, and I have a great respect and admiration for you, and your wisdom. If you'd like to talk of beliefs, I'd like to. Mark

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swede1   

That's okay, Mark...this thread is really only for those who DON'T have a set faith or belief system yet...but thanks for at least posting something! :-) There had been some others who mentioned wanting a thread like this.

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hgd024   

I was brought up Catholic, but only went to church for a couple of years with my dad until a priest at our parish treated my father really horribly when he called to discuss something about my brother's gravesite. This was maybe 18 years ago. My mother never attended church in her adulthood, but did say her rosary every night and watched mass on tv occassionally. I was brought up to believe in God and Heaven, but as I got to be about 15 or 16, began to question all of it. It didn't help that those who taught CCD in our town were high school seniors looking to become confirmed and would preach to us in class one night about the Bible and doing as God wants you to, and then walk around school talking about the parties, drinking, sex and drugs that they were doing over the weekend. I guess I believed in some parts of the religion and then not in others AT ALL! As I got older and explored more of the World, I've found that there are parts of a lot of religions and scientific findings that I believe in equally and less and less of the Catholic stuff.

When my mother died, my father, sister and one brother thought she should have the full Catholic funeral mass in the big church in our town. Me and my other brother didn't think it was a good idea because she hadn't been to church in decades and really didn't like much about it. But, majority won and we just went along with it. I think it was more of a comfort to them than anything else. Right on cue, as the priest was preparing the Communion, the skies opened up and it poured like you would not believe!!!! I looked at my husband and laughed (yes, in the middle of the Mass) and said, "See, told you Mom wouldn't like this!". I then leaned to my brother in the row behind me and said the same thing. He then started laughing and passed the message along to my other brother and sister. We all got a good laugh out of it at least!

My mother did always teach me that my beliefs (religous or otherwise) were no better than anyone else's and that only an individual can judge themselves. I guess that helped to steer me to my own conclusions about religions and beliefs too. Soooo, I guess I don't know what to believe. My father gave me a book that he received after my Mom died, that talks about religion and God and Heaven and the Bible and death and grieving, but I just can't read it. I guess I'm a bit turned off by all of the religous overtones of the book and am looking for my own answers. For now, I take heart in knowing that she's around me and watching me from somewhere....

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hgd024, I think just by being so honest, you are open to the spiritual. I am sorry you have endured such loss, such pain. While I may lean toward being a bit devout in what I believe, I don't try to push that on anyone. I trust I'm offending you, but I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers while you and your family heal after losing your Mom. If I may suggest to you something, if you are interested in learning what it is you should or would believe, perhaps if you read the books from the source, ie, the Bible, Torah, etc. There are many religions in our world. If you think you want to know God, or whoever you are to worship, from the Bible I can only suggest "seek and you will find." My very best thoughts for peace are with you. And yes, she's keeping an eye on you, like my daughter and grandfather are with me.

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swede1   
My mother did always teach me that my beliefs (religous or otherwise) were no better than anyone else's and that only an individual can judge themselves.

I guess I'm a bit turned off by all of the religous overtones of the book and am looking for my own answers.

hgd024,

I think what your mother taught you was wise. That's been one of the things I haven't liked about many so-called Christians, some of the ones I've met or heard anyway. They don't seem to live the principle of judging only yourself whatsoever, but in fact go so opposite the other way, it's way too hypocritical for me. It really put me right off western religions overall. I also couldn't agree with many of the concepts they purported to be the only Truth, some of which just grated my soul's 'knowing'. But mainly it was the attitude. So I find it too annoying to read anything too Christian-based. I've also had many problems with these same folk being so adamantly opposed to openminded ideas, attacking me for daring to believe something different, even when those beliefs uphold and model the most fundamental teachings and supposedly most noble character traits they espouse to having themselves. Like I said, hypocritical, and I find it's like talking to a brick wall when I try to explain there's nothing WRONG with my beliefs. I also get attacked for daring to suggest that certain scriptural passages support my beliefs....I highly suspect it's because it would prove them wrong, or just not openminded enough...they usually change the subject, or mode of attack, at that point.

I've found much more guidance in the writings of other authors who don't espouse any particular 'religion' per se, but talk more about principles and the like, such as Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Brian Weiss M.D., Neale Donald Walsch, Gary Zukav, Jack Kornfield, etc, etc, and even A Course In Miracles, though it's Christian-based but only in the sense of using language and names we westerners are more used to, but actually allowing for any other 'religion' as well....although I do find the terminology harder to get past in my own head, for all the troublesome associations it brings up for me.

I did find the site Beliefnet.com, which lists tons of other belief systems and religions, but haven't had the time to read much there yet. They have a 'test' you can fill out to find out which belief systems you might be most aligned to. I seem to be a toss-up between about 4 or 5 and want to look more into the B'Hai (sp?) faith when I get the chance. They also have articles on each faith listed so you can learn all about them.

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hgd024   

Always...you didn't offend me by saying that you would keep me in your prayers and I'm sorry if you felt that you would by what I wrote in my post. I didn't think that I mentioned anything about being offended by religion or beliefs. In fact, I'm not at all offended by anyone's beliefs or good intentions towards me. Heck, I even pray, but not necessarily to God, just in general. To me, it's a way of sending positivity to someone who needs it. I just don't know that I believe that there is a great power in the Heavens who is listening to my every word and can actually produce results based on my asking him or her to do so. There is something about the Bible and very Biblically-based readings that I am just not comfortable reading. I have read the Bible, attended CCD for many years as a child and yes, I've read the Torah as well. I have friends of all faiths and cultural backgrounds and do try to learn from each of them about their religious and cultural beliefs. I feel that this braching out from the only religion I ever knew as a child, has allowed me to question that single religion that I was exposed to and to help me understand that there may be more to this world than one God and one 'path' in life. That's why I posted on this board, I don't have one belief.

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hgd024-I need to start by saying that I think I love your mom and it sounds as though the world lost a wonderful woman.

I think that one of the best things about religion is the debates it produces...notice I did not say "wars". I feel that debating beliefs allows us to find other options that may be right for us.

Like you, I was brought up Cath. and went to CCD every Wed. night for so many years. I can say that I never hated it, but I was probably more confused when I finished than when I started. I had many more questions, which isn't a bad thing, just confusing for a young person, and still confusing for an old person. There are so many things that you can take from all the different faiths, things that are great, things that are maybe not good for you. But, if there is a God, I would assume that He would want us all to be good, caring, loving, helpful, none judgemental people. I think certain faiths have mastered this and others have not.

Like your mom, my mom did not believe in everything that the church preached, but she did need the church for her personal well being; so, what my mom taught us, that the church did not, was that they are not correct on everything and to take the best of what they offer and the other things that don't feel right, go with your heart/gut.

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swede1   

Someone just posted this under the Reincarnation forum here, but I've taken a look and it also deals with death, dying and helping someone else who is dying. It might be worth a look for anyone afraid of death and dying, and what happens to us all upon physical death. Me, I've put it on my Christmas wish list. You can read the posting in its entirety in that forum - here I've just listed the last piece of info.

"Information can be found at www.easydeathbook.com

More information can be found at www.adidam.org and www.beezone.com"

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Well yes, I was raised Catholic, but also have come and gone and come and gone again from the church. But my background has always been one of faith, regardless of religion.

My father died on July 4th of a heart attack, and I have really been doing a lot of self-examination since then..With the holidays approaching, I have been more depressed and have gotten really really low. And I realize that that is in part because I really don't know what I believe anymore.

Do I believe that there is a heaven where we all go and where all of our suffering ceases? Or is my father now just lying in the cold ground somewhere and spending the holidays like that? SInce the latter is too difficult and painful to believe, I have been trying valiantly to convince myself that there IS a heaven. But none of us in my family, many of whom have experienced a loss due to death this past year, has had any kind of sign, at least not one to speak of.

And if we did, are those actually signs, or just coincidences??

I have always been the one to say "yes, it is a sign, don't you see? They are ok, they are trying to let us know they are ok." But yet lately in my depressed state, I am not so sure anymore. I just don't know what to believe and this makes me really really sad...

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lauraa   

Butterfly 10954,

Just read your post and I have also been struggling with my faith since I lost my mom, dad and husband all in a 6 month period....I think it is a normal part of this "god awful" thing we call grieving. It has proven to be the worst and lonliest time of my life. Thru-out my life when times were rough I always felt I could count on god to pull me thru and I felt that he did....but thru my losses I haven't felt that way. After the funerals everybody disappears and feeling that god has abandoned me was/is the lonliest time of my life...I am searching but in all honesty I am very upset with god. There are alot of why's for me. This has put me in a whole new category and one in which I never thought I would be in....maybe it all happened because there are things I need to do to make things right in this world that is so screwed up...I'm not sure yet....time will tell. The truth is that I lost my soulmate and life just isn't the same for me and I am not sure if it ever will be again...I lost my zest for life...a life that I loved so much. I was always the caregiver, the do-gooder...and now there are not alot of things I love besides my kids...They are the reason I go on. They are my husbands legacy and he is in all of them....I am trying to pray again from my heart but there is a blockage there....Thoughts that get me thru are "believing" that they "live on" and knowing in my heart that they would not want me to be sad and "believing" that we will all be together again some day.....So my you and I aren't far off with our thinking......Read HELLO FROM HEAVEN by Judy and Bill Guggenheimer....let me know what you think.

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I have a question for you all.

Is it ok for me to seek justice for mt best friend\'s death where RI dropped the ball?

I\'ve been told by many that I am being hateful and putting my soul at risk for wanting to do this. I can't see the band Great White getting away with when they clearly ordered the pyro that night. Also for all of the fraud they did after the fact in the name of the charity.... What do you all think? I welcome all opinions. I know we all are supposed to forgive others, but how can I when I and others haven\'t heard one I'm sorry from Jack Russell and the band for what happend on 2-20-03?

Can somebody help me with this one?

Love,

Annie

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I was raised Baptist. At age 16, I got married and quit going to church. Through addiction, I truly believe I have already experienced hell and some heaven. Does that make sense? Right now, I am terminally ill, everyone has invited me to church. Spiritually, I am comfortable so have declined church. Maybe I am lying to myself, but I believe I will be going to a better dimension of being. Is that too far out? Confusion would best describe my feelings. I am thankful I found this board. For months, I have yearned to discuss these things. I hope I have not offended anyone or interrupted something. Please forgive if I have. If you will let me know I will correct offenses because I wish to get along with people.

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MARILYNWHITE3049:

Hi. I don't normally post in this forum. I'm normally in loss of a Mother forum. I accidentally clicked here and saw your post. You don't have to apologize for anything. This is where you come to just pour out if you need to. I would like to tell you how sorry I am that you are suffering this illness. Declining church isn't a sin. It's what is in your heart that counts. I know there are people from all walks of life that post here on these different message boards and people have different beliefs and I totally respect that. I hope you don't mind me sharing something with you. You said you were raised Baptist. Personally, I think denominations are man made. I don't think God did that. But at any rate, I consider myself nondenominational and haven't attended church in two years, due to my Mother's need for me when she was ill, before she died five months ago. I did enjoy it though, the praise and worship and hearing the word taught from the Bible. If you have accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior, that is asked forgiveness for your sins and invite him into your heart, then he will forgive you and you are his child from that moment forward. I always remember the thief on the cross, hanging next to Jesus as he was crucified. Of all the wrong things he had done in his life, in an instant he was forgiven and Jesus told him he would be with him soon. I do believe there is a heaven and a hell. I do believe hell far surpasses our worst nightmares in this life. But in heaven, I believe there is no sickness, your body will be new and flawless, your mind will be completely restored. I believe my Mother is in a better place and is happy now. There is a Brad Paisley son, "Don't Cry for me down Here."

When I get Where I'm Going on the Far Side of the Sky

The First Thing that I'm gonna do is spread my wings and Fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion and run my fingers through his mane,

Or I might find out what it's like to ride a drop of rain

When I get to Where I'm Going, there'll be only Happy Tears

I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these Years

And I'll leave my Heart Wide Open, I will Love and Have No Fear

When I get to Where I'm Going, Don't Cry For Me Down Here.

I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy and he'll match me step for step

And I'll tell him how I missed every minute since he left, Then I'll hug his neck.

When I get to Where I'm Going, there'll be only Happy Tears

I will shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these Years

And I'll leave my Heart Wide Open, I will Love and Have No Fear

When I get to Where I'm Going, Don't Cry For Me Down Here.

So much pain and so much darkness in this world we stumble through

All these questions I can't answer, So much work to do.

But When I get to Where I'm Going and I see my Maker's face

I'll stand forever in the light of His Amazing Grace.

This song gives me strength. I hope you have a chance to hear it. It's truly beautiful music as well.

I believe that as soon as my Mother took her last breath here (and I was with her), that she began her next breath in that new restored body. She saw angels in her room before she died. Experiencing all that I did with her, as her primary caregiver and being with her until the end, I'm not afraid of death anymore.

Your eternal salvation is within your grasp. Very easily attainable. God is with you, to take your hand. He will never leave you alone. He will be with you each step of the way. He is a God of Mercy.

I will keep you in my prayers. I will check in on you, should you decide to come back. Maybe this wasn't an accident for me.

Connie

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clittlelady, thank you for your response. I am sorry about your mother. My mom is my best friend. She has stood with me through everything. Just knowing that I have my mother's support is enough to help me brave it through what life deals my way.

You are the second person who has told me about Brad Paisley's song. My friend did not know the lyrics so I printed them off for her. She was surprised that I had joined a message board. Neither of us have ever been in a chat room, message board, anything. She understands my need to discuss grief.

Before all of this happened, I only knew grief as a topic that I had studied in a brief psychology course. There are five stages and we don't experience them in a 1,2,3, fashion. One day we can be in anger, the next day acceptance, then bargaining, etc. Although I cannot know what you feel in relation to you losing your mom. Last year was a year of loss for me.

My losses seem trivial in a way compared to yours. But I have always wanted to go to graduate school. Last year in January I began graduate school for counseling. In February, I began to have symptoms, my left arm was sore, of cancer.

In February, a woman called me at work and told me she and my mate of 15 years were having an affair. He had just bought me an expensive set of furniture for my new office. I forgot to mention I changed jobs in January of last year. I had worked with adolescents and barely made enough money to survive. I had an offer to work for the state with a salary increase. So I also left a job that I loved.

I'm rambling, when I think back on last year, the losses just tumble together. Maybe for each loss, I am in a different stage.

I wanted to let you know, I tried to buy the song and download it to my computer. I am not computer savvy. I could not complete the process. I hardly ever listen to country music, for some reason, I feel hostile when I listen to it, isn't that strange? Country music has the best lyrics and the celebritys for the most part are admirable people.

I'm glad you jumped to this board and saw my entry. You gave me strength and hope. Thank you so much. Also, I accepted Jesus Christ in my life when I was 12. He has never left me although I have left him. My faith is what has carried me through this illness. Actually, this illness has become a blessing in many ways. I would not have learned the kindness of other people without being put in this situation.

I was self-reliant before cancer. Cancer has taught me some humility because I have had to ask for help. People have helped me. God has shown me there is love in this world.

Marilyn

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MARILYNWHITE3049:

I'm sorry it has taken me a little while to get back to you. I want you to know, my heart is with you and all that you are going through now. You will continue to be in my prayers. I've been working long hours and just too tired in the evenings to do anything but put on my slouchy clothes and crash.

I want you to know, I feel it a privilege to know you. I regret it under these circumstances, however, I do believe that certain paths cross when they're suppose to, in God's timing. I'm glad to hear God is in your heart. He will be with you all the way through this. Try to keep you focus on what he has in store for you. You are his child.

I know this may seem odd for me to say, but I've always told my family that I had rather suffer a terminal illness, than to leave this world suddenly. I guess my reasoning for that, is that I've experienced both in my family and the sadness of not getting to say good bye and make everything right as possible before leaving was very difficult.

I work in the legal field, but as of late, my heart has been contemplating going to school, nursing. I would want to work with the terminally ill. To offer the best medical care and comfort and love that they could possibly know.

I've always believed before we're born, God has a purpose for us, a specific number of days for us to be here and we're not going until he says it's time. I do hope you've been able to get the song "Don't Cry For Me Down Here". I'm not so computer savvy myself, just mainly for what I use it for with my work. Another wonderful song is by Mercy Me, "I can only Imagine".

"I can only imagine when that day will come

and I find myself standing in the Son,

what will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be Still?

Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall?

Will Sing Hallelujah, or will I be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine..... I can only imagine."

It's absolutely POWERFUL.

Yes, I watched my Mother go and I KNOW.... I KNOW there is no fear of death in me. I believe she stepped from here, to there, in an instant. Every breath you breathe here, until the last one, brings a witness to someone else. With God in your heart, there are no wasted moments, he STILL has purpose for you. I'm very thankful that you do have your Mother to be with you through this time, what a precious gift, what a special bond.

I had never posted on a message board or entered a chat room in my life. But three weeks after my Mother was buried, I was so overwhelmed with grief and torn into millions of little pieces. I have no sisters and my last aunt passed away last March. My cousins are so far scattered and we just live in different worlds. I felt so desperate to make a connection with someone who knew my pain. I believe God led me here, because I simply typed in living with grief of losing my Mother and this was the first website I went into. There are nights when my husband was working and I just couldn't shut down, couldn't sleep, and I would just post here and pour out my soul. I didn't care if anyone responded or not, I just had to let it out. I was so stunned at how many people are hurting just like me. And when they say "I understand". They can really mean it, where as friends and coworkers are just feeling awkward around you and say things that just can't be possible. You don't understand unless you've been there.

I have an aunt that I loved dearly and I think we strongly resembled each other. She died of breast cancer in the mid 80s. She was a naturalist type of gal and sought help when it was too far advanced. I have an uncle who died of throat cancer.... but he loved his Camel cigarettes. One cousin to leukemia at 13 years of age, she had prayed for God to take her and he did, on one of her many trips to St. Judes. I lost my Brother at 37 following a tragic motorcycle accident. He's the one I hate that there were things left unsaid with. I loved him so. And still do. Since Mom has been gone, I'm realizing that Love doesn't stop. Death doesn't stop love.

I hate that you've been through some unpleasant upsets in your personal relationship with your mate.... I quit trying to figure out people as of late, because my Mother's death sure changed some of my family in a bad way. I saw the ugly side of some. But with this eye opening event, I've also taken a new stand in life. I look at something now and assess it, is it a positive or a negative for me? If it's a negative, it's out the window, don't need it, don't have time for it. I want to make the best of my days here. I have one son who is 26. I tell him live each day as though it were the last, treat people right, never leave a conversation with hard words as your last, tomorrow is not a promise for any of us.

I want to encourage you any way I can. I'm here, whenever you want to talk. I know it's risky to offer on line like this, but my personal email is ranaeulibarri@hotmail.com, if you prefer to contact me there, I welcome you any time.

God Bless you My Friend and Peace to your heart. Remember, God IS a miracle worker, not just yesterday in the Bible, but today, in our lives, he still works miracles.

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clittlelady: I don't know why I chose this board either. I am firmly set in my beliefs but feel a little threatened by all the spiritual advice I've been given since the diagnosis.

I began preparing to die in May. I thought I had 3-4 months. Now for months, I've sat waiting for death. At times, I almost wish for it. My family is in anguish. Friends feel an urgency to see me often.

In the past, I have been a loner. This diagnosis has made me interact with people a lot more than is comfortable. I'm grateful for friends. Does anyone know what I'm feeling?

My sister is struggling with the whole situation. It is almost as if she is angry at me. Although she went with me to make funeral arrangements, she does not want any discussion of it or anything related. How can I help her?

My mom can not say it. Saturday, I ask her if a new, simple, basic black dress would be appropriate for the visitation. Mom said I was "too casual" and that I had a flippant attitude. Maybe I am a control freak. I just don't want for my family to make difficult decisions later. Not if it is a decision I can make now. Is that realistic?

Thank you to all who participate on this board. You are support for me.

marilyn

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MARILYNWHITE3049:

Try not to let the well meaning advice overwhelm you. You know your heart. It is a very personal thing, strictly between you and God. Your peace inside your soul about it, is all that matters. If I say anything out of line, please tell me, because all I want to do, is encourage you, as someone outside the loop. I can't imagine being where you are. I can only guess that some days must be extremely frustrating with all the extra attention. You said you were a loner. I know that feeling well. I can also understand on the other side (because that's where I've been) of wanting to show your love and support, grant it, it may not all be what YOU need all the time. I've said since burying my Mother, that I will prearrange my funeral and my husbands. We only have one son and I never want him to have the burden and pain of going through what I did, especially with barely no family left to be there for him. I'm sure it is very hard for your sister. She probably feels, to some extent, guilt. Guilt that she will be here when your not. Angry at herself for having to face a future without her sister. She's going to have to feel those feelings. You can't take them away from her. Just remind her, that the quality of your time now, however short it may be, is what matters most and The memories that you can still make.

A flippant attitude? Well I think as for me, (and please don't take this wrong, because I let my humor get through a lot of my rough spots in my life, sometimes it's the only way I can cope with things, even though they're not really humorous. I'm not in any way lessening where you are.) I would have probably told her, if she thought the little black dress was too casual, that your first choice was really jeans and a tee shirt and a pair of laceless Sketchers. No, I wouldn't say you're a control freak. These ARE your decisions to make, given the situation and you shouldn't feel any other way. Trying to spare their feelings is what I would do as well, but when it boils down to it, the pain, the acceptance of the inevitable can't be spared them. They're going to each have to deal with it in their own way. Grief will be their ugly enemy for a long time.

Being given a specific time frame to die, to leave this earth, the doctors, they can only guess. That's in God's hands and his hands alone. Physically, what are your limitations at this time, If you don't mind my asking? I wish this part of your Journey in this life wasn't so painful as it must be emotionally. Remember, that tomorrow is not a promise for any of us and for your family and friends that are closely involved with you, this would be a good thing for you to remind THEM. You've been given a "warning" or "put on notice" for lack of a better terms, due to this monster called cancer. Remind THEM that they should prepare their hearts and LIVE THEIR LIFE to its FULLEST, for everyone doesn't get the chance of that "notice" to be kinder, say what they really mean, resolve differences, make the final preparations to leave.

You are a brave woman and you have my utmost respect. You will remain in my prayers, as well as your family and friends.

I hope I have offended you, in anything I've said. If so, I apologize. I'm here, if you need to talk. I hope to hear from you again.

God Bless.

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MARILYN:::

Obviously I made a typo..... In one of my last few sentences, I Most Definitely meant to say I hope I HAVEN'T offended you in anything I've said.

My fingers do a lot of keyboard work in my job... I'm a Court Reporter. By this time of the day... They are rebelling at being anywhere near keystrokes. Guess I'll let them rest now.... Until next time... God Bless You.

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I had to read your message again to find your typo. The first time I read what you meant. God really has blessed me through this whole experience.

My mom thought I was flippant for wanting to discuss what I should wear. Since I have lost 40 pounds with this illness, there is a limited amount of clothes in my closet. Later, she told me most people are wearing pastel at the end. That is a strange custom, is it not? Mourners wear black but the dead wear pastel? You can tell I have gone to very few funerals in my time. Anyway, I suppose I will find something pastel.

I hurt for my little sister. She came by yesterday for a few minutes. She has agreed to have my dog put to sleep after me. I want my dog to take to spiritual journey with me. That probably makes no sense to most people.

Last year, after I discovered what a slug I had been living with, I kicked him out of my house. As I look back, it was one of the better decisions I made last year. For fifteen years I had dragged him along like a dead weight. About 5 or 6 years ago, he began lettin himself go. I don't mean he gained a little weight. He quit shaving but maybe 1 or 2 times a week. Wouldn't get a haircut until I nagged and even paid for it. Refused to go to dentist although he had cavities in the front of his mouth. Enough, you get the drift.

Anyway, we met when we were both new in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. I was 13 months sober and he was 6 months sober. We dated and eventually he moved into my apartment with me.

About five years into recovery, I began wanting to buy a house. I asked him if we could save and buy one together. I immediately opened an account and began saving every payday, not a big amount but a little each time. Would you believe a year and a half later, he had no money to apply on down payment? Well, stupid me, I buy a house and allow him to move there with me also.

A few years go by and I got hurt I work. After therapy, I could not return to my previous job. God blessed me and I was given social security disability and state rehabitation services while in college.

College was both scary and wonderful. Anyway, it was a struggle, I had been out of school for 26 years! This fellow he works at a dead-end job and is not interested in any of the things I am learning.

I get out of college and began working with adolescents with co-occuring psychiatric and substance abuse disorders. The pay was low but seemed great after living on disability. Part of the struggle with disability was that this fellow paid his half--he knew to the penny what my share was. I paid my own way.

He continued with his dead-end job. His hygiene continued to be deplorable. We were both unhappy. I was afraid to ask him to leave because I was afraid he might drink again. You know, that is the epitome of pride. I thought I could effect another person's sobriety.

Anyway, we had always said that we would tell the other before we went outside the relationship for intimacy. I had not been intimate with him in he said five years, I don't know how long. He knew I preferred clean men. I did when he met me and I still do.

I'm rambling. You did not offend me. I plan to use what you took a risk writing.

Bless you all.

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swede1   

Marilyn,

I've just read some of these recent posts here and extend my sympathies to you for what you're facing. I recently read, in two places, how we're all fooling ourselves everyday..because we're ALL already dying, even if we refuse to see it. I just thought that was a real eye-opener, as not one of us knows if we'll really still be here tomorrow - most of us just like to assume we will be, which is really foolish of us!

I think you should pick something YOU like, whether black, pastel or polkadots! Heavens!...it should be YOUR choice, don't you think?

I'd like to write more, but don't really have the time today, so I must get to one point from your last post. I apologize in advance for what I'm about to say, but it left me so breathless, I feel I must put in my 2 cents' worth. Do you really think it's fair to your fur-baby to have his/her life taken from him/her, just because you're not going to be there? I would suggest hiring the services of an animal communicator to find out for you just what your dog would think of this plan, but I don't know if you're open to these kinds of things. To me, that would be tantamount to having one of your children killed after you passed away. You say you want him/her to go on a spiritual journey with you, but can you say for absolutely certain that that's what would happen? Has it ocurred to you that your dog may not have completed his/her OWN lessons on earth, and that you'd be cutting that short, for what I can only assume are....I'm sorry, but....selfish reasons? No, I can't say that this idea does make any sense. While your dog may grieve your loss, ( and I wouldn't wish such grief on anybody left behind ) I don't believe it's for us to decide to cut any other being's life off, unless they're terminally ill and in lots of pain or otherwise can't function with any quality of life anymore. I think your dog's life is every bit as precious as yours, or anyone else's, and this isn't something to take lightly at all.

I'm very sorry to possibly stir up any more feelings of anguish in you at such a terrible time, but I feel so strongly about the sanctity of life, no matter the species, that I had to speak up on behalf of those who either can't speak for themselves, or try to, but aren't listened to or taken seriously.

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MARILYN, SWEDE, MARK, EVERYONE...

I have to share Something....

I believe that I was handed a miracle, my Husband and I. Our 1 1/2 year old Rottweiler, Sailor, Woke us up two nights ago, barking fearlessly and relentlessly. My husband then realized our home was on fire. One solitary moment seemed to last for days... moving in slow motion, half dressed scrambling around, half asleep. When we entered our hallway, the strong smell of electrical wiring burning. Our heating unit was on fire. My husband ran to shut of the breaker box as I went for a phone. Wires were popping and fire shooting and smoke filling our home. I couldn't find my cell phone or a flashlight. In tears, I finally found my phone and called 911... reported it and hung up. All I could think of was my pets. Made three trips in to get them all. Threw the small ones in may car and backed it out into the street. Put Sailor out in our back yard. It was so cold that night and as the fire truck drove up, I thought of my memories, my mother's memories, everything... how it could all be gone in minutes. I was Standing outside, barefooted, my husband inside with a fire extinguisher, which didn't work properly. I was numb and in an instant, I just let it all go. I was afraid the fire had gotten into our attic, where all my treasures are. I suddenly realized, they're all just things. Mom couldn't take them with her when she went and neither will I, so I wasn't going to let it consume me, if I lost it all. My pets and my husband and I were safe, that's all that mattered. The firemen got it under control. It didn't go into the attic and all that was lost was the heating unit. I was so thankful my husband was home. Had he been working and I been there alone, I probably wouldn't have thought to shut off the breaker box and the fire would have spread faster throughout the electrical system. I thank God, I gave in and said yes to my husband bringing home a precious little Rottweiller pup a year and a half ago. I really thought it was bad timing then, because Mom was in such a bad shape and I was about to face tendon repair of my right elbow. This loyal pet definitely showed his love for us. As a little boy of 10 years old, my husband stood outside with his six brothers and sisters and his mom, as their entire home burned to the ground. It was in the middle of winter, with several feet of snow on the ground. They had only the clothes on their back. I remember him telling me how at that moment, he saw the difference between life's value and the value of "things".

I Truly believe God Brought Sailor into our lives for this reason. I had complained about him, off and on because of his size, he's huge and he always wants to be where I'm at, even the bathroom! He's chewed on my socks, not my husband's, but mine. I don't think I own a matching pair right now.

NOW, Oh He's got it made in the shade from here on out, that's for sure!

When I went to sleep the night of this fire, I "assumed" I would wake in the morning. MARILYN, like I've said, none of us are promised tomorrow, we assume a lot.

God Bless You All. I continue to thank my God, for I know as my Mother always said, "He is a Miracle Worker."

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Hello to all. Clittlelady, I'm glad you survived a fire with little damage. Your dog really did show what a good friend he is. Swede1, I believe I have a solution for my friend, Snowflake.

I have been sick this past week. I only worked two days, well, one and a half days. My sister called Wednesday morning. She was in town dropping her husband off at the airport and asked if she could bring me something to eat. I said No but please come, Snowflake and I have cabin fever bad.

When my sister got here, she immediately noticed that Snowflake seemed angry. Her yips were not friendly. She offered to take her home with her for a few days until I felt better. Snowflake has loved being with my sister and her family. My niece is giving her rides in the car daily. Snowflake has not had an accident since being there which is now almost five days.

If my sister continues to want her, I will gladly take that as an alternative to putting her to sleep. She is not a friendly dog. She was actually my sister's dog first. She is a pure breed American Eskimo Miniature. She is 14 inches tall, bright white, and beautiful. However, my sister believes she is the product of inbreeding. Snowflake has never been a friendly dog, she is nervous, and quick to bite people. Not really bite but snip at them.

My sister was going to put her in a pound when she was two years old. I could not stand the thought of it. I did not want a pet but I knew she would not be adopted. I took her. She loves me and I love her. I do not want her to be abused or unloved when I am gone. Maybe since she is older now and a little more mellow, my sister and her family can love her like I have loved her. She does have good qualities.

My mom is coming down today to stay with me. I cannot seem to get on my feet. I feel weak and unsteady. Mom stayed with me Friday night and was willing to stay last night but I do not like upsetting other people's lives. This morning I am too sick to be alone. I called and Mom said she would gladly come. I am so grateful for family, just hope I am not an invalid for long.

Thank you for your prayers, thoughts, and advice. I check this board before I check my email. This board is my lifeline.

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