New Year's Platitudes

[backyarder1]

Ugh. I'm getting a little annoyed at all of the New Year's wishes. People telling me that I'm going to have a great 2014. How can they even say that?

The thought of having to completely start my life over is really getting to me. Its like the last 17 years of my life meant nothing. All of the time I spent with my husband and all the work we spent building a life and a relationship and a business together. And now, I have to start all over.

I have to either decide to live alone and die a lonely old woman. Or I need to consider the horrible, disgusting thought of dating again and finding someone new. And either thought just seems horrible.

I need to go through all of my husbands things and decide what to keep and what to do with the rest. So many memories.

All of these people saying to me "Tom would want you to be strong. Tom would want you to go on living." Well of course he would. He was the strong one in the relationship. I never was. So how do I stay strong without him now? I'm just not sure how to do it.

[Annie_]

Remember, you don't HAVE to do anything until you are ready. I don't like the platitudes either. I've already had a couple of people tell me it is a whole new year with lots to look forward to. Clueless people.

I'm not looking forward to having to deal with the paperwork and sorting through my husband's things. The only "good" part is I don't have to follow anyone else's schedule or deadlines--I'll get to it when I get to it. For now, it is comforting to have everything in the house unchanged and exactly the way it is supposed to be. My husband's yard hat is still on the kitchen table where he left it the last time he walked through the house. Maybe some day I'll wake up and the thought of moving it won't bother me. But until then, it stays.

A whole year is too big of a chunk of time to think about. I was never much for new year's resolutions, but if I were to make one for this year it would be just to survive. Each day has enough problems and things I have to take care of, decisions to make, things we normally would have talked over together.

Be kind to yourself. Yes, there are things we all will need to do eventually. But if it bothers you to think about going through your husbands things or parting with anything, then don't do it yet. What does it matter if you don't do it right away? I would think the worst thing either one of us could do would be to force ourselves to part with something because we think we should only to regret it later.

[backyarder1]

Hi Annie_, it's nice to see you on here. I've thought about you the last couple of days and wondered how you were doing. I've been a little under the weather and that's why I hadn't contacted you. I slept through most of the 31st which would have been our 12th wedding anniversary. We always went to the same restaurant to celebrate that night but I didn't do anything but stay home and tried to sleep through all of the fireworks outside.

I know I don't need to decide any of those things yet. All of my husband's shoes are right where he left them, too. I guess all of the New Year's wishes were just bugging me. Someone sent me an e-card with the song "may old acquaintances be forgot" and I just thought "Really?"

Anyway, I've had stomach problems for the last two days but I think I'm over them now. So, its time to creep into 2014.

[terri251]

This is the first new year I slept through. I know people mean well but today is just another day I don't get to share with my fiancé. I tried to do something special for my daughter by taking her to the zoo with some friends. She had a great time, the whole time I was thinking how we where suppose to do this with her father and how much he would have enjoyed it.

I am not ready to move on. I know other people have moved on but I don't know how I am suppose to live without him. I am still taking things one day at a time.

[traveler1959]

Backyarder, I know what you mean, but the people that said that to you, only had the best of intentions. Like you after 29 years of knowing there's always someone who has your back, then one day you find yourself alone, to face all decisions by yourself. And have to find a way to start over.

About 20 of those years my wife was a stay at home mom, she kept the house and done all the errands,and I worked at a 8 to 12 hrs a day job, then come home to a beautiful warm smile and hug, and done what was needed for me to do around the house. Now I come home and just look at her chair and have to remember her sitting there giving me a warm smile and saying "THERE'S MY DA" My wife always kept everything that had a special memory to her, b-cards from her family, to old pictures in frames, to all types of odds and ends. and the list goes on and on. To get the house to where I can keep it up I have no choice but to go though that stuff, it tearing me up having to give away or throw away stuff that was her's or things she held dear. But the way I understand it, waiting and getting rid of her stuff, doesn't get any easier as the years go by.

I seen an old man on tv talking about his lost of his wife of 50 something years, he said, looking back over those years it seem like a dream, then his eyes teared up and he said it wasn't!!!!!

But remember we will get though this, one day at a time.

[backyarder1]

I know. We will all get through this. And its so nice to have others to talk to about it. I will box up some of Tom's stuff and send it to his relatives. Anything that I think they might find sentimental. That is much better than just giving it to the thrift store.

Maybe we can come up with some ideas to make it easier for each other.

[traveler1959]

that would be nice

[Silvergirl61]

It's been 16 months. until eary this month..most of his things sat close to where he left them, except his clothes..those i packed after about three months...and they are still here. Why? I can't seem to make myself put them away or get rid of them. I let things go, a little at a time, to the kids, to his close friends..but most of it...still here..it took months to even begin..and the gifts he bought for me? i had to call my sister, to come put all those special mementos away.. i couldn't do it, couldn't touch them.

Now i am going to finish packing things up and get out of this house. I's just time to do it...before i never can.

[frankly]

Jerry's things are gone. All of them except his boots, clothes and computer. Two days after having to disconnect his life support and arranging almost all his final arrangements (didn't get to arrange a funeral). His son started harassing me, demanding everything right then. There was no will and mine and Jerry's common law marriage wasn't recognized here in Florida. Threatening to come in and take it if I didn't pack it all up and give it to him. I was alone. No one to call to help me. I was in shock, hysterical, in total disbelief that his son would be doing this. So in a frenzy, between body wracking sobs, I had to pack everything up. He took it all. The rest of our money (at least I had already paid for the cremation), the only working vehicle we had, everything. It's all gone except a couple of remote control planes that his son couldn't manage to get in the truck. He harassed me and bullied me to the point that I ended up in the hospital. So while they are doing a heart catheter on me at the hospital, his son (or someone) went inside my home and cleaned out anything that was left of Jerry. Including things he had given me over the years.

 

Gone. All of it. Like he was never here. Except his computer. He wanted that too. But my sister had driven twelve hours to be with me when they couldn't get my heart rate down. She stopped him from taking the computer. So at least I have those pictures that were on it. That's all I have left.

So I'm not sure I will ever be able to part with his clothes. Ever. They will hang there till I die.

[andysgirl]

I too don't have a lot of things from my boyfriend, just the few things he had moved in here etc but I cherish them & could never get rid of them. His family refused to give me anything else because they weren't mine to have, you quickly learn how fast people can turn on you & make it feel like you didn't matter. Anyway, his shoes are still by the door, his toothbrush still in the holder, the pjs he was wearing & the sheets that were on our bed folded up but have not been washed & soon it will be a year that he wore it. Just can't bring myself to do move/wash any of it. They are in their proper place right where they are as far as I'm concerned.

My girlfriend, when she lost her mom, instead of donating her clothes had them taken to a quilter & had beautiful blankets for her, her siblings & her father. Just one idea for those of you who might not be able to part with the clothes themselves - a blanket to wrap yourselves up in.

Thoughts are with all of you. This is a pain that never seems to ease. And I agree with the NY pleasantries - I got a text yesterday saying this year will be better. I don't want it to be better, I want my boyfriend back.

[backyarder1]

I have been thinking, for quite some time, of making little quilted hearts out of the clothes of people who have passed away. I will work on making one out of Tom's clothes and posting a picture here online when I get it done.

[Liamslady]

Hadn't been on here for a few days, I wish I had, as I couldn't believe how low I was over new year and now I realise it's perfectly normal to feel so desperate and sad. The house is just as he left it nearly 9 weeks ago, I did move his jackets out of the coat cupboard, but his boots are by the front door, after reading some of the other posts I'm so grateful his family have been so kind and supportive, am going to sell his car,as it's an expense i can do without, and have given a few things to his friends, but everything else is here.

I loved the idea of a quilt from his clothes, hopefully I can find someone overhere in the UK that can do one.

I ziplocked a couple of his t shirts just so I could smell them, thank you for a brilliant idea.

[backyarder1]

Someone else told me they ziplocked their husbands shirts. I sure wish I had thought of that. I had just done the laundry the day before my husband died so I didn't really have anything with his smell on it except one shirt. Plus, he never sweated much so the smell wasn't very strong. But that ziplock thing is a great idea!

[miekevson]

WOW, I wish I had thought of that ziplock idea. I'm sitting here with his shirt around my neck but the scent is pretty much gone which is even a big hit in the face right now. Even that wouldn't last... I had also just done laundry the day before. That shirt is all I've got to smell his scent....and it's dying with him as we speak.. sigh.

 

 

All of these people saying to me "Tom would want you to be strong. Tom would want you to go on living." Well of course he would. He was the strong one in the relationship. I never was. So how do I stay strong without him now? I'm just not sure how to do it.

 

I know this feeling, he was the strong one as well... I'm not from this country, I'm new to this state. I've only been with him. I don't know any people here cuz from the time I bought this house he was getting sicker and sicker so we didn't go anywhere. How am I supposed to be strong for him when he was even the strong one when he was sick??? I know he'd want me to move on... but that just doesn't happen 1,2,3, I'm thinking sometimes if I even ever can. We had a special type of relationship. Many called if even unhealthy since we never left each others side... we both were always home, if we were not, we'd be out together.. from groceries to fishing to just anything... How do you get over that empty space....

[GrandEclectus]

Hello folks,

I was besieged with platitudes, and instead of helping, I found them to be salt in the wound. The purveyors of these pathetic sound bites don't get the pain, don't really care and definitely don't understand a thing they are saying. esp. if they have never gone through it. They act lkke they are l wise, teling me things like "every one dies" (oh, I didn't know that...thanks) and "you're not the first woamn to lose a husband" ( yeah, I don't speak to that person).

The worst was "you have to be strong for him" because people seem to think emotion of any kind means lack of strength. Well live through this and tell me I'm not strong.

and no, it's not OK, he's dead. How is that ok.

I know people mean well, but good intentions, etc

I am truly alone. I have no one in the area, no job prospects, no one I can rely on. So, no it's not gonna be OK.  My husband was my guiding light and the only person who ever truly loved me, so tell me again, it's OK. 

[backyarder1]

It's not okay. It will never be the same again. It is learning to live with the new reality that is so hard.

[GrandEclectus]

It's not okay. It will never be the same again. It is learning to live with the new reality that is so hard.

Thanks. I hate it when people tell me NOT to feel something. I appreciate that you didn't negate my feelings. A lot of the  platitudes are about not feeling or denying emotions. "think positive" is a masking techniques. Doesn't work for me. 

[backyarder1]

None of those platitudes work for me. And they really bug the crap out of me. Even when people say stuff like "You are doing great!" I just feel like jumping down their throats. I'm not doing great at all. I'm doing awful. It would make me feel better if people just recognized that.

[HeyJude]

How about family members saying they are so sick and tired of me posting grieving poems etc on facebook??  I couldn't believe it!!!  How dare they!!  It made me wish for just a moment that they were going through this too because then they would have never said such a thing!!

[backyarder1]

This kind of goes along with the platitudes. How about the friends who are constantly bitching about their spouses for really stupid things? He doesn't take out the garbage. He's too quiet. He doesn't remember their birthday. And they are telling US!!! The ones who lost our husbands. I mean, how freaking insensitive can someone be??????

[terri251]

One of the hardest is my friend who I know is not thinking, but she keeps comparing her boyfriend dumping her and shipping her and their son across the country to Danny dying.  Ummm not even closely related.  Yes we are both single parents now, but her son still has a father.  Granted an asshole who is extremely immature and selfish, but he still has a father.  My daughter does not so please pelase stop comparing the situations.  Yes I feel for you, and I know you are in pain, but I can't agree that we are experiencing the same thing.  We are not.