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Husband died after 4 month illness


bearsmama

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My husband died 12/22/13 after a four month illness. One day he turned yellow and within a week he was having a 13 hour surgery. 2 weeks in hospital and 2 weeks home with a feeding tube. The feeding tube clogged at home and we went to the hospital two hours away. They admitted him and the next morning he had a burst aneurism (sp). He survived bc he was in the hospital only to die three months later. Don't understand why he survived and had to suffer. My husband was in and out of the hospital until we took him home on hospice. Our sons 27 and 25, myself and the girlfriend of the 25 year old cared for him equally until he passed away at home a week later. Funeral is over and kids have left. I am here myself and cannot get myself to go.back to work. HELP

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Bearsmama I am so sorry for your loss. And I am sorry for your husband's suffering. I lost my husband 3 months ago and it is devastating, especially after everyone else goes back to their day to day. It can take all our energy just to get out of bed .Do your sons or other family members live close? Are you able to take a little longer off work? Some days still, it is all I can do to accomplish one task or errand-and that's okay. It is all I can do right now. We need to be good to ourselves and move ahead at our own pace. I hope this helps a little .

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Dear bearsmama and fabs - I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my husband on July 17, 2013 after a 14 month battle with leukemia. I use reading , exercise, connecting with people, and deep breathing to get me through. There are many kind people on this site who will listen to whatever you are comfortable sharing and sharing helps. I also suggest that you find grief counseling, maybe a group or one-on-one. GriefShare offers daily emails that are Christian based (bible scriptures) that might help. Those emails don't work for me but I have found others who get great comfort from them. In my case, I've found that one-on-one counseling with a hospice bereavement counselor helps the most. But I can't see this person everyday or early in the morning when I need support the most so then I turn to books (written & audio).

We are all on this journey of grief yet our paths differ and we each have to find the guides that work for us. TRY some different things and remember to be kind to yourself. Whatever you accomplish today is enough as it is what you could do.

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Bearsmama - I lost my husband too after a 4 month illness. It is horrible, like a really cruel joke. My husband had recovered and was transferred to a physical rehab to regain his strength and his second night there he just up and died. You don't need to go back to work just yet. Can you wait until Monday? It will be hard but I'm telling you, it will keep your mind busy. Saturday will be the one year mark for me and I'm having a terrible time right now. I almost feel like I'm in a panic to not freak out.

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My wonderful, loving husband passed away on 2 Dec 2013 from a blood clot to his lung while being treated for esophageal cancer. He had a good prognosis for the cancer but had a feeding tube infection which made it to where he could hardly get out of bed which in turn resulted in a blood clot in his left leg. My husband was my best friend for over 15 years. We had just been retired for less than two years and had so many plans that will never happen now.

I have not been on this grief journey long but I do know having a loved one stay with you (especially when they loved him too) while you are grieving helps me tremendously. I'm not sure what I would have done without my grown sons and/or sisters who have been here to keep me company, take me out occasionally, and give me hugs. Also I have to take it one minute at a time and never more than one day at a time or I go into panic mode. I can't think about the future yet. I don't want to think about it. I find it helps me when I get out of the house even for a short while so I can see that life goes on. It didn't stop even though it feels like it did for me. Also reading and sharing on these grief support forums helps because you know you are not the only one going through this and it helps to know you might be helping someone else too. If I wake up in the middle of the night I look at the grief forums on my I-pad and it helps to ease my mind. Reading books on near death experiences also helps me to imagine how happy he is in heaven. It comforts me.

I also know my husband would not want me to be unhappy so to honor his wishes I will be happy again someday. That's how we lived our lives- we just wanted the other one to be happy. I know he is happier than we can even imagine being in heaven now. I know I will see him again and that does bring me some peace.

I have to go through this grief first. This horrible horrible grief that makes you feel like you have been swallowed up and are sitting in the bowels of a devastating place filled with unfulfilled dreams and guilt for any little thing you might have done or didn't do to contribute to his death, images of him in the hospital on life support machines which he had told me he never wanted to be left on for long so I had them stop doing chest compressions, panic attacks when you realize you will never see that wonderful smile or feel his bear hugs again, tears that won't stop flowing. But the only way out is through it. I hope some of my suggestions help.

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Bearsmama, see if you can find someone to stay with you for a while or just come by to stay with you in the evenings if you have to work. If no family member can see if a friend can. Don't be afraid to ask! Most people want to help but don't know how. God bless you honey!

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I did two, he'd been sick for 5 years but the last year was worse... Dec. 21. 2013.. he was on hospice after he had a heart attack/stroke which I believe where from CHF and kidney failure. I knew he wouldn't live long but it was still so sudden. I had figured him to be alive till at least summer, he was doing so good. till that day... he died in my arms... I'm glad I had him home with me, in my bed. Been in and out of the hospital for 5 years until he went on hospice as well. This was not even so much for him as it was for me. I was the only one he had, it was just the two of us and I needed the tools. He'd been self-treating for years and I just thought this would at least make it easier on me this time... I was wrong... he actually needed it himself as well.. sigh... I'm sorry for your loss, I know what you're feeling. I'm here by myself, wondering what to do with myself... I can't sleep, I can't eat, I have to go back to work but I can't concentrate... I don't know how I did it, run my business AND take care of him by myself but I did. I wish I wasn't so mean to him at times, I was so tired, so broke... I hadn't slept in months but maybe 1 hour a night cuz he always needed me to do something... sigh... right now I'd take it all back and fight through it some more if it would bring him back to me.

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