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I don't know what to say... loss of entire family


pbc242

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There are no words... to desribe how I feel inside.. I feel strange posting here.. that I will be judged for doing so.. Sorry in advance.. My story is this:

When my mom had me, I had a twin, but he died in her stomach at 6 months old. This was the first time my heart was broken... Over the course of the years... I have lost two aunts, a grandma who I was close to, cousins and other family members.. I am only 25 years old. I do not know what to say.. I guess just speak from the heart.. On top of these people that passed away.. Most of my family I do not talk to, as they do not want anything to do with me.. which hurts a lot..the reasons are because a lot of them are on drugs, a lot of them do not care or my mom has tricked them into never wanting to talk to me... I am in tears saying this... how much it truly hurts inside... I feel like crap... I have had to go through this life... with so much pain and loss... I have lost so much family and friends... so many of my friends have died...in horrible ways... some left me... and betrayed me...when my birthday came around.. this year most of my family did not even care.. I did not get a text or phone call..even though I was there for my siblings on their birthdays..My whole life has been pain and suffering... it still is, even though its more stable.. I hurt inside deeply... I feel as if there is a deep hole in my heart.. I crave more than anything else in the world... to find someone who can love me for me.. to love me the way my parents never did..or my family... I am jealous of my friends... of people I see walking on the street... around.. they have no idea... no idea what it feels like.. to be alone.. to know your family does not care if you are alive or dead... Recently I talked with my baby sister... and it went bad.. My mom had twisted her mind so much.. to where she does not care anymore... about me.. I still care for her.. I honestly.. ask why myself sometimes why I keep on living...I think a lot has to do with the good friends I meet.. I sometimes wish I was never born.. never brought into this world... I feel like job in the bible... losing everything... which I have... I still cry... I remember when my family rejected me.. completely... I cried for years every night... I still hurt inside.. I feel so empty... I put a face on everyday that I am fine.. but inside I am not... I do not feel okay... I feel broken...the big part of my life.. that kept me going was I believed there was a god and there was a plan for all of the pain I went through.. but how could god make someone suffer like this? How could he make someone lose their whole family and friends and so much more...On top of all this.. I was abused growing up... I was abused in everyway you can imagine... sexually, mentally, verbally, physically, it was a living hell for me.. my mom abused me sexually a lot when I was growing up.. so did one of my brothers.. my mom and her boyfriends would beat me up everyday... treated me as her slave.. and clean up the house everyday...if I didn't I didn't eat that day. She would make me stand outside in the cold in shorts with no shirt when it was 20 degrees or colder for hours to punish me. She beat me with a broomstick and broke one over my head, her boyfriends would beat with electrical cords and I had gashes on my back from it and still have the scars, she split open my head a lot of times with different objects... it goes on and on.. My mom would put me down everyday.. tell me how much she hated me, how I was her slave, how worthless I was, how useless I was... she and her boyfriends would play mind games with me... it goes on and on.. I am not sure if I can post all of this here.. I am sorry if I went against the rules.. this is my story of loss... pain... suffering. Please help..

I feel like I need to share this... if there is a chance I could ever feel even a hint of happiness.. in my life...

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PBC242, There is a chance you can feel LOTS of happiness. You truly can. You must seek professional help, and a trained therapist/counselor will be able to help you sort through and process all of this hurt and anguish you've had for years.

I work with people who have dealt with similar experiences and trauma as yours. It is completely possible to heal.

We will be thinking of you,

ModKonnie

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You've shown tremendous courage and strength in telling your story. God is truly alongside you this morning in bringing you here for kind words of support. Consider the guidance from Konnie, your posting here was a healthy step and you can consider taking another small step to talk to a counselor, make this your Christmas gift to yourself, as one who has walked alongside others who share such pain, I too have seen the promise of help from one small step to talk with a counselor. Your strength and courage from your past is second to none, use this experience, find a counselor and begin your next journey.

We will keep you in our prayers.

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california4life

it sounds like you are in a lot of pain and yes we were brought in to this world. as far if your family or parents are drug addicts you need to stay away from them. you should still love them as your blood keep praying for them waiting for the day GOD will change them to turn in to the right path drug free.  however you have the power to take control and in charge of your life, this is real hard emotionally but you have to take control of who you let in your life and heart. pray to GOD to make you stronger because you chose the right path drug free. 

 

i have learned to set boundaries with my own family members, they are not drug addicts but they are very abusive family members, saying hurtful words to me bad mouthing me to other people when am fighting for all the abuse to stop. you know what i say **** it am only talking to them when i want, what i want to say and watch what i say around them and stay away from them as much as possible. my family members have lied to me hide information that is like from sick and death information holding it because they wanted to mind there own business bullshit, am so glad i dont talk to those people. 

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