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ericafara

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When Lily died I missed her with all my heart and soul; but I wasn't lonely. I still had my husband. Our conversations filled in some of the gaps in my life that being without Lily left behind.

Recently, however, I have been without my husband. I still have Summer and Riley to play with during the day but in the evenings I am struck with a new and unnervingly overwhelming feeling of loneliness.

After losing Lily and the trauma of watching her go through chemotherapy and having my own traumatic miscarriage during that time, I have recently wondered why I would need to endure more heartache? Surely I had had my fill of grief and the sun was just going to shine on me for the rest of my days.

The other night, amidst my tears and anguish and panic, I realised that it was perhaps just another layer of grief that I am meant to come to understand. How can I truly help others if I don't understand the fullness of what they are experiencing?

Loneliness is quiet and still. But do you know what else is in the quietness and stillness? Lily. My lovely Lily. So I decided that this loneliness I feel is to be replaced with "Lily time". Now, I sit and contemplate Lily. I talk to her and I wait for her essence to arrive. Then I listen to what she has to say to me.

Now I'm not lonely anymore.

Lots of love

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Dear Erica,

I am so sorry for both of your losses. Connections: We both had children w/ cancer.  My grandmother's name was Lily. And you posted this on the day my son passed away.

 

 I loved reading how you figured out how to turn it around - the lonliness becoming Lily time. Are Summer and Riley children or pets? Is you husband away temporarily or longer?

 

Hugs.

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I am sorry for your loss and am grateful that you have found a way to make peace with your loneliness. I am not there yet, my son died not yet two months ago, and I find the loneliness to be overwhelming in the evenings. It was our time. We were both night owls and both happy to sit up late into the night, him in his chair playing video games on his computer, me on the couch putzing or playing my guitar or playing video games on my computer, something playing in the background on the tv--night after night spending the evening together. So now during the days I get through with my normal routine but when evening hits, it stretches out long and empty. I sometimes write him letters, which I guess is similar to your talking to Lily so I have hope that someday the loneliness will be more peaceful as you have found. 

 

I wish you well.

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It's admirable to know people who have experienced loss comforting each other. Just like Erica, Msmom and akellyf, i also lost my child. She was only 5 years old. She died of cancer. She was diagnosed November 27, 2013 and died January 1, 2014.

She's my world. She made me feel complete and feel loved and wanted which I never felt in my whole life...

I always wish that God should take my life too, since life without Kylie feel so empty.

Am grateful to have found this site, where we're all free to cry , vent and scream in all this grief. God bless us all.

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