Despair

[frankly]

I'm not sure where to turn. I lost Jerry on the 6th from a motorcycle accident. We had to make the decision to disconnect life support after 3 days. By the 8th, his son was calling and knocking on my door demanding all his dad's money and possessions. We were together for almost 10 years. We never saw the need to have a piece of paper from the government declaring us married, we gave each other our own vows and declared ourselves married. Now he's gone, all of his stuff is gone. Like he never existed here in our home. It stressed me out so much I ended up in the hospital with heart palpitations. His son has a drug problem, so I guess he saw the opportunity to self medicate. Thank God I had already paid for the cremation. No funeral, no memorial. He said if anyone wanted a celebration of life event, then they could pay for it.

I'm a mess. I go from crying hysterically to complete calm. I don't want anyone around me. I even had to send my grand baby home because I couldn't stand looking at her without just loosing it, thinking about how much he loved her.

I don't care about his things or the money being gone, it just felt horrible, I wanted time to mourn and adjust. I wanted time to cry and remember. Instead I was having to ship all evidence of him out the door. All I have is the pictures left behind. So I'm desperately searching for more pictures. Something to hold onto. Each picture I find just makes this hole feel larger.

I'm just lost. I want to run away and hide and pretend none of this is happening. I want him back, home and safe. I want to yell and scream, but I can't. I feel like I'm going to explode. I've cried so many tears that they no longer flow, my body just racks with the dry sobs.

I hate drugs. I hate what they do to our children.

How do I stop this pain? Or at least make it bearable.

[backyarder1]

Hi Frankly. I am so sorry that you have all of that added stress to add to the death of husband. I think many of us have learned that death brings out the best in some people and the worst in others and it obviously has brought out a bad side of your husband's son.

If you haven't gone to any grief support groups, they might help you. It helps so much to have other people to talk to who understand. People on this forum are all very supportive but there aren't always people here when you need them. So my suggestion is to try to find a grief support group or a grief counselor. You can usually find them through local hospices, if no place else.

I can't give you a lot of advice as to how to stop the pain. I wish I knew. I know that it seems almost unbearable while you are going through it and it keeps coming in waves. All you can really do is cry it out and hold on! Maybe someone else on here will have some better suggestions for you. All I can say is, we are all going through this with you...or have gone through it. So reach out to us when you need to talk. Try the online Chat, too, when you see people in that room. They can be very supportive.

Hold on!!!

[Alone]

Dear Frankly, I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband.

I too wish I had a way to stop the pain. I wish I had that ability for all in this world who are grieving. I agree with backyarder1 that a grief support group could help. I tried that first and am now moving to individual counseling as like you, my husband and I have a blended family. The complications with a blended family are numerous and unique to each situation. My move to individual counseling is to find a safe place to "verbally vomit" ... to say all the things I think and feel that are not safe to say in the real world. I would also add that while I have always believed in God, I abandoned formal religion years ago. I have recently started going to a church nearby just for the music and to be near people. Somehow the music and these people give me hope.

[frankly]

I'm oscillating between complete hysteria to a scary calm like this really isn't happening. His son took our truck, so I have no transportation. It wouldn't matter anyway, I could hardly drive before. I have MS and have been pretty much home bound unless Jerry drove us, even before this.

We were both sick and took care of each other. I want him to come home so bad. I would give up everything I own just for him to come home one more time.

[Alone]

Yes I know and I wish I was there to give you some comfort. Is there someone who can be there with you? Do you belong to a church? If yes, call the church and ask to have someone come visit you. I have not belonged to a church in many years but have recently found that many churches have outreach programs that will send someone to your home to provide some comfort. Or many hospitals have hospice bereavement counselors that can assist you. This might be a really good option for you if you've both been ill. You should also get in touch with organizations like the Red Cross or the Salvation Army as they can provide counseling and transportation. I don't know how old you are but if you are a senior (you mentioned a grandchild in a post) contact your local senior center to see what they can provide. And don't dismiss making a 911 call if you feel particularly desparate or vulnerable.

[backyarder1]

I agree with Alone. No matter how difficult it may seem, do NOT be afraid to reach out to people and tell them what you need. Call local hospice. Call United Way. Just start making calls until you find someone available to help you. I see you live in Central Florida. If you tell me what county you live in, I'll try to find some groups to help you.

[frankly]

I don't even know what I need. Just Jerry. The doc at the hospital called it acute grief. I heard him whisper to my daughter that it would last about 3 weeks or so, I couldn't hear the rest of what he said. My daughter called desperately trying to find a psychiatrist for me so that they could prescribe something to help me sleep today. The earliest appointment is 8-9 weeks out. My doctor is out on vacation until Jan 17.

I just need someone to tell me I'm not going to loose my mind. That it is normal to feel like there is no hope, no future, no point any more. That I will survive this somehow. That I want be a burden on anyone. That my grand babies will fill the hole with love. That it want last like this forever. Just hold on. I keep telling myself these things. I just can't seem to convince myself.

I know it doesn't help being here alone. My daughter stayed for a little while and my sister visited from TN, she is going to be staying in town as long as she can. I just feel like I'm an inconvenience. I don't want to bother anyone. I don't want anyone around. It feels like some part of him is still here when no one is around. Then it is too still, too quiet.

I'm 50 years old, but I feel like I'm 100. I'm a burden now. Jerry needed me, I needed him. I'm just so lost.

Thank You All for listening. I'll be alright. I just want to scream to the world to stop. Stop laughing, stop the parties, stop the world from spinning. The most wonderful kind hearted gentle soul is the world is gone. But life continues on......without him.

It helped to get that all out. To know someone, somewhere hears me. That maybe they understand. That I'm not crazy. I'm so sorry that any of you ever have to experience this pain.

[tnwulf0513]

I am so so sorry for your loss.. I can't really give any advice as to how to stop the pain because I am only a little farther down the road than you are and it is still somewhat of a problem for me. I went shopping today (which was something we always did together) and walked around the store in a daze on the edge of tears. Forgot about half the stuff I was going to get.

But, no, you are not going crazy, it gets a little more manageable as the days go by. I agree with everyone here, try to find someone to talk to. It will help.

[Alone]

How can we not have great grief when our loves were so great? Listen carefully to those you trust as they will provide thoughts, nuggets of wisdom you can hold onto. Remember words of encouragement that your love one gave you over the years. And give yourself the freedom to grieve. Time has not healed, or removed my pain but it has provided perspective. And I know that the pain I feel is so incredibly deep and wide because I was blessed with a man who gave me unconditional love. How can I not grieve that loss?

Here is something that my husband and I held dear while we battled his cancer:

"Being loved deeply by someone gives you strength, while loving deeply gives you courage". By Lao Tzu

I've kept a small stone with the word "courage" in my pocket for over a year .