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loss of my mother


kathleen24

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kathleen24

I am new to this forum.  My mother passed away two weeks ago from metastatic cancer.  The last 11 days she was in a wonderful hospice center, however has become nonresponsive earlier that day.  I spent the entire 11 days and nights with her, a blessing I will treasure, however, I now seem unable to "move on", or "come to terms with her death.  My stepson, who was 28, passed away on January 28th from leukemia.  The impact of their deaths has literally brought me to a halt.  I am largely homebound with a disability and hope I might find some understanding and insight on this site.  I am so overwhelmed I can't seem to function through the day.  I relocated to Michigan from another state just 18 months ago, so don't have many friends here.  I have three brothers who aren't or can't be of support; our loss is very different.  I think there just have been too many losses (job, working, moving, personal losses) in the past 18 months that I can't find a foothold.  I am at such a loss...

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sunkenspirits

Welcome and I am sorry about your mother and stepson. Death can be overwhelming, especially when it's rapid fire like that, along with other things. I am going through a similar situation and I understand how overwhelming it can be. I've felt like the pressure is just crashing down on me ever since my father died last month. His death pretty much turned my world upside down.

The only thing I have found that helps with the overwhelming feeling is to try to break down the tasks that you need to do into small steps. Don't push yourself. Do what you can and try to relax. Don't listen to the people who tell you to buck up and get on with your life. Grieving is a terrible and long process and the people who say that, don't understand how tough it is.

I know it's rough, but hang in there. You've made the right step coming here. It can help to vent your feelings to others that understand. I have found great comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in how I feel.

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Our prayers are with you.  You'll, despite the odds, tide through this and emerge as a stronger person out of all these =)

 

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Dear Sunken Spirits,

I had a very difficult day today.  I went and visitied my mother's room at the hospice center where whe passed.  I also met with a grief counselor and, although extremely difficult, I've begun the deep mourning process that I must move through.  I want to express my deepest sympathy on the loss of your father...  there are no platitudes, and you, we, will process our loss in our own time and in our own way.  I plan to visit my mothers grave site next week, and I do not expect it to to anything less than traumatic... but it is something I need and want to do.  I can't rely on anyone else... there isn't anyone else.  I have 3 brothers who seem to have moved on with their lives without a glitch and simply not only do not understand my grief, but are critical of it and think less of me for it.  They have lots of platitudes to offer, "Mom is in a better place"  "Mom is not suffering"  "Mom had a good life"... it goes on and on.  I have simply not spoken more than once with each of them since my mom died.  What I did today was exhausting, horrific, and perhaps has begun some healing, but I remain at such a loss.  Perhaps some of these words right true for you.  I will keep you in my thoughts and heart, and perhaps we can support each other. 

My best to you.

Kathy

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sunkenspirits

Kathleen,

Even though it was hard, I think it was very brave of you to do the things you did, to start working through the pain. Like I said, it's the small steps you take that will get you through it, some steps tougher than others, some days tougher than others. I know my own experience has been like a rollercoaster. My mom died nine months ago (now) and then dad, so it's been really rough. I'm also disabled and somewhat homebound as well, so I get how the loneliness can even be more profound than people understand.

I'm sorry that your family isn't more supportive. Were your brothers close to your mom? Sometimes when people are not very close, they feel far less loss than a person who is, and can't relate. My one sister is kind of that way. While it was sad that Dad died, she doesn't really feel any different because she wasn't living nearby and she gave me the same phrases. While they may be true, they aren't really of much comfort because the loss is still there, either way.

If you need to talk, feel free to send me a PM and I will get back to you or if you want, I can give you my phone number. As I said, I know how lonely the process can be and a lot of times just having someone to talk to means all the difference. I was having a rather lonely bad day myself yesterday and the neighbor out of the clear blue sky invited me over to dinner. I appreciated that so much. Just that someone cared to do something because they knew I was sad without me asking or bothering them meant a lot.

I hope that today is a better day for you...

sunkenspirits

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Dear Sunken Spirits,

Yesterday I attended my first grief counseling session and it was overwhelming.  I cried and sobbed more than I thought was possible.  I also visited the room in which my mother passed and that brought me to my knees and I spent over an hour just lying in her bed crying and talking to her.  It was devastating, overwhelming, and cathartic, and perhaps what I needed to begin to openly grieve.  Your point on the fact that my brothers were much closer to my father than to my mother is something I never considered.   I spoke with one of my brothers , the executor of my mother's estate, asking him if he had given any thought to a grave marker for my mother.  He told me no, that she was dead and that it didn't matter.  He would get to it after his busy work season toward Fall.  I offered to take care of it and he did not care.  So I will do that and tend to her grave site.  It will be my deep honor, although I expect extremely difficult.  When I asked him when we, as a family (3 brothers) and myself could get together to go through mom's things... he said. "You are the only one who is concerned about this, then said goodbye" and hung up.  Yes I would like to exchange private messages with you but do not know how to do that.  Will you let me know?

Warm Regards,

Kathy

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sunkenspirits

Some people can be so insensitive about other people's feelings. I have been fortunate to have some family who has been helpful in talking me down off the ledge (so to speak) and cooperative in how I wanted to arrange dad's final arrangements. But it's good you got it out, even if it to strangers, as that will help you start healing, rather than keeping it bottled up inside. The saddest times for me is when I can't talk to someone.

You can reach me by private message by clicking on my name in the left hand column and choosing Send Private Message. I was a bit confused on how to send them myself.

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