New to forum, lost my dad..

[littlesunshine87]

It was my dads funeral was Thursday the 5th of december, and im still taking it all in. I was with my dad when he took his last breath,and it was the most horrible,hellish,saddest thing iv even been through.

Being an only child and having no siblings to help look after mum now,i feel very lost and very protective over my mum. Im only 26 and mum just turned 57.

I have terrible memories of my dad in the hospital and hospice which are constantly on my mind. My question is,will these memories fade in time? Are my feelings of protection towards my mum normal? Im feeling very lost.

[Tom]

I also lost my Dad 5 weeks ago. I am over twice your age and I lost my mum 26 years ago. So now I have no one.

Grief affects everyone - it doesn't matter if you are young or old, if you lose someone you loved then it is very hard.

If you had a good relationship with your Dad, the 'bad' memories will eventually be replaced by nice memories . How long that will take , no one can tell you - there is no set timetable. It is different for everyone. The depth of your grief will depend on how close the relationship was with your Dad.

Expect to feel a lot of emotions - sadness, loneliness, guilt, anger, despair, confusion.... even physical pain in the chest ( heartache can be REAL , not just a word )..... all these are normal and can be very mentally draining.

You may not think so at the moment, but to be with your Dad when he passed away will be a comfort to you later on.

Your mum will find it difficult if she and your Dad were in a loving relationship and did lots of things together. She might get 'grief triggers' - for instance , when a particular piece of music comes on the radio or she sees something that reminds her when they were once doing something together, or a particular date or place. It can happen anywhere - inside or outside.

I get it all the time because I used to look after my Dad and many things trigger those memories.

Your mum will find it hard if she misses your Dad and they were close and did lots of things together ( not all marriages are like that ).

She will need emotional support, what I think you mean by protection, from you and from relatives and friends, and there are horrible practical things to care of - bank accounts, council tax , etc.

Grieving is painful. It takes time and is very draining.

It is a very difficult time , especially as it nearly Christmas.

Don't be afraid to cry and let your mum talk about things if she wants.

[littlesunshine87]

Tom thank you for your message. Im sorry you have lost both parents.

I was very close to my dad, he was more like a best friend to me,and him and mum spent a lot of time together (and almost 40years relationship).

Right now my feelings are sadness and a bit numb,kind of like my brain doesnt want to process it.

I want the good memories to be at the front of my thoughts,but my dads illness had a lot of horrible things which i witnessed and are very much all i can think of right now. I realise it will take time,and i just have to let it be,but its hard.

[Tom]

Watching someone that you love slip away and feeling the hopelessness of not being able to help is very distressing and upsetting.

I have bad memories about my Dad in hospital - ' what if I had done that .... ' , ' why didn't I spot that ' ... all sorts of self-questioning. I suppose these are normal reactions, and they don't solve anything except bring on feelings of guilt.

This fact is true - sometimes things happen that are TOTALLY out of your control, and about which you can do nothing, however hard you try.

Everyone says that the ' bad memories ' eventually disappear into the background and the happy times are to the fore. I don't know how long that takes. Maybe if you try to think of a good memory each time an unpleasant one occurs it might help to push bad memories into the distance.

Your mother will certainly need support , and you will know her well and see when she is sad. How you help her deal with it will depend on the type of personality that she has.

I am no expert . All I know is the pain , emptiness and depression that I feel myself. And all I can really offer is empathy.

[littlesunshine87]

Everything you say Tom is spot on and true. Thank you for making me feel like I am no longer the only one with the feelings you described.

The guilt is strong just now, with the "what if" question, but i have lots of pictures to keep dads happy face in my head.