Recent loss and the Holidays

[1Day@aTime]

So. I'm not even sure where to begin- well, of course I do. The unexpected death of my mother on September 23, 2013. I couldn't get a hold of her so the neighbor went over and found her dead on the floor. She wasn't even sick so I was totally unprepared for it (not to say you can ever be prepared for any death). This began the nightmare that is now my life. Just like many on this site, she was my mom, my friend, my confidant and now I am lost. I am having trouble with decision making at work and have already been disciplined for it. I made a poor decision 2 weeks after she died and resulted in disciplinary action. I feel like no one at work cared that my mom died nor did they cut me at break- they literally DO NOT CARE. They even scheduled me to work all of the holidays. I feel like my friends don't know what to say so they say nothing at all and are uncomfortable if I bring up the subject. The thought of Christmas TOTALLY depresses me when all around me are gearing up for it asking me if I have my tree up?,is my shopping done? when the truth is- I'm not putting my tree up and I really don't feel like buying anyone anything! I know it's not fair to my family but I just can't seem to get myself out of this. I'm hoping that since I just lost my mom, my family will forgive me this year and that next it will be better. Apparently though, some people think I should already be over it. I really feel alone.

[Tom]

to : 1Day@aTime

Coming to terms , or 'normalising' , the passing away of someone that you were close to and loved takes a long time - many many months, and for some, many years. And I guess, for some .... never.

I was my Dad's carer 24/7 for 8 years and his loss has left me severely depressed and the pain and loneliness is unbearable. And there's guilt - for things done wrong, things said wrong,things not done, things never said..

I have a lot of guilt.

I read somewhere that the more you loved someone, the deeper the grief and the longer it takes to come to terms with it.

I just hang on day to day - I can't say that it's getting any easier for me, as I loved my Dad very much I expect it to be a long painful journey to deal with it.

Fortunately I am retired so don't have the problem at work that you have.

In some ways I wish I had a distraction from the grief.

Grieving is very hard - it the hardest and most painful thing I have ever had to deal with. It doesn't 'go away' - you have to give yourself time to deal with your loss - and it may be a long long time. Personally, I don't know whether I am dealing with it or not - the hurt and emptiness is not getting less.

People who haven't lost someone close to them , or the type of people who only care about themselves ( of whom there are very many these days ) will NEVER understand your loss and grief or what you are going through in terms of your mental disfunction caused by emotional shock.

Some just don't understand, and some just don't care. That goes for people at work and for for friends. The expression ' not my problem' is their mindset.

They will probably be thinking ' September - should be over it by now ' . So called ' Compassionate Leave ' from work after a bereavement is usually 2 weeks , after which you are expected to return to work as 'normal' - this tells you about the general lack of understanding about bereavement.

You could try Counselling or a Bereavement Group - some find it very helpful . If it doesn't work for you, you can stop going - nothing to lose.

Holidays, birthdays, places, events , all trigger a grief reaction - I get it all the time. Even in the supermarket I get tearful when I pass a shelf which contains things I used to buy for my Dad. I often have to make a quick exit before the tears come.

So of course I wouldn't expect Christmas to be a good time for you. But you have a family so you are lucky.

There are no easy answers to grieving the loss of someone that you loved - and it's a very personal thing.

Everyone will have different emotions and their own length of time to grieve - anyone who says ' you should be over it by now ' or ' life has to go on' simply does not understand.

I have seen some people 'get over it' very quickly - a few tears at the funeral and then it's all forgotten.

It's because they didn't have any deep feelings. If you have lost someone you loved, there is a massive gap in your life, which can't be replaced, and that gap causes pain and loneliness.

Grief means that you loved - the more you loved, the greater the grief..

I have no answers, only my own experience, and I know only too well the pain and loneliness that you feel.

If you are sort of person who has deep feelings , then it will be as hard for you as it is for me.

You could talk to your family and tell them how hard it is for you - they should understand.

As for your workplace and the people you work with, whether you want to work there with such people is entirely your decision. I am sorry, but they are obviously not very nice people.

Anyone who has had any life experience realises that a grieving person can't function normally - your mind is operating in a ' fog ' so you need simple tasks to do, requiring little mental effort.

If you are given anything requiring 'thinking skills' it's not likely you will be able to do it well.

I don't suppose I have helped you, but just so you know that your experiences are not unusual.

Here is a blog which has been posted on the forum . It may help you :

15 Things I Wish I’d Known About Grief

http://identityrenew...wn-about-grief/

[1Day@aTime]

Thanks for your reply Tom and yes, you did help me which leads me to believe I would benefit from a support group. Just to know someone else is experiencing the same feelings as I am, in a weird way, makes me feel a little better. Yes, I suppose having a family helps but, deep down, they don't understand either. When my husband finds me crying, he asks what is wrong- hello? My mother is dead. That is what is wrong. I think he thinks I should be over by now also. The one person I would talk to about something like this is gone. I'm going to look into a support group but I find the thought of that kind of overwhelming for some reason- maybe I'll just let the idea swim around in my head for a bit.

[Tom]

Yes - try a support group . There really is nothing to lose. If you find it helps that's great , if not , stop going.

As I wrote last time , some people just won't understand.

I think that it depends on personality and whether they are capable of deep feelings - some people just aren't.

You can't describe the feelings that go with the loss of a loved one to someone who has never experienced grief. You can talk about ' loneliness ' , ' guilt ' , ' intense sadness ' , but if you HAVE to try to explain it , they just won't get it - they think they understand the meaning of the words, but they really don't.

I think that you have to reconcile yourself to the fact that your grief is for you, and for you alone.

People in a support group go there because they have the same feelings as you , so they will understand more , which is why I think it is worthwhile pushing yourself to go.

You will at least have people to talk with who DO understand what you are going through.

I think you should try it .

You have a family for support - however little you might think it might be - and that's a plus.

[littlesunshine87]

Im sorry for your loss. My dad only passed away 27th of november this year,my mums bday is in december,plus xmas plus what would have been my dada 57th bday. Im trying my best to get ignore xmas adverts on the t.v and avoid the shops,due to the christmas buzz,because i dont want it this year without my dad. However,on xmas day me and my mum are going to my future in laws for dinner,because dad wouldnt want us on our own and being upset. Nothing will be the same without the loved ones we have lost,but we can only try to do what we feel we are capable of and comfortable with at times of holidays. Xx

[italia9970]

Regarding work, I understand your dismay so perfectly. My boss socked it to me not even 3 months after my mom was gone. I had taken a leave of absence and was her primary caregiver and when I returned, I found him lurking around every single corner. He confronted me and told me I'm doing a terrible job...everyone thinks so...it was crushing.

I find that what you're going through must be more normal than not. Of course people want us to get over it. We live in a fast forward world, full of people who do everything hastily. Well, I think you've explained it beautifully and there are several of us who get it, too. Grief can't be rushed. It just can't be rushed.

No one can tell you when to feel better. I'm right at the 7 month mark and I miss her more, I think, than the months before. I'm not even looking for any sort of understanding from the people I work with...and my family is all going through the process of mourning her differently, so I'm not feeling a great deal of support there, either. In fact, I feel like i'm stuck in a bubble of sadness. It's isolating. I miss her so terribly.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope that you find just one person who can help you through the rough spots. I'm hoping the same for myself....

[1Day@aTime]

Thank you for this reply. This makes me feel better that I am not the exception in the time it is taking me to work through my grief. Also that my work suffering is not uncommon. I no longer feel so alone, knowing that others are having similar experiences. Obviously, this is the whole concept behind support groups. Christmas is going to be tough, to say the least but my boss scheduled my to work so it may be a blessing in disguise- less time to dwell.

[RumbleDoll]

I'm new here. Today is my first post. My Mother died in July. These holidays are making me crazy. I can't get away from them. I thought if I kept them out of my house; no tree, no decorations or presents, no songs no mention of any of it; that it would somehow fix things. Boy, was I wrong. It's everywhere. And it's breaking my heart again and again. I've been trying to hide it from my adult daughter but today it all spilled out with gallons of tears. My Mother and I were so close and I keep thinking back to last Christmas and how happy she was. I'm just so intensely sad and hurt; I feel at times that my chest is going to cave in with grief. I feel so alone even though I have a wonderful, loving daughter. It's just my Mom was Mom, you know? She loved me so much and she liked me. I don't know how to cope with this.

[Blackrock]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad recently and it's still so unreal and unexpected. But be strong and think about what your mom wants u do do at this time. I know my dad was a very happy man and seldom complains. he wants his children to be strong and happy. He will always be in my heart and he's at peace smiling down from heaven. I'll think of happier memories and let his legacy guide me. Feel free to talk it out cry out loud and as long as I want. Take time off from work. Take care.

[italia9970]

RumbleDoll, my heart aches for you. I understand what you mean...although I did just the opposite...my mother was a 'Christmas person,' she loved the music, the decorations, everything about it. So sometime in mid-November, I put up my Christmas tree. And I light it in the morning before I go to work and as soon as I get home. It has brought me a lot of comfort.

Grief is so individual to each of us, is it not? I feel that I'm doing her honor by lighting that tree. And don't underestimate the power of twinkle lights to lift your spirits! It has been working for me.

Now, I normailly would have hauled out many more decorations than I have this year...the other thing I managed to do was hang a Christmas wreath on the front door. I didn't really have the inclination to do much else. But it's a quiet acknowledgement, this Christmas tree. I look at it and I wonder, "What's Christmas time like in Heaven, Mama? I'll bet I can't even begin to imagine the beauty!" Somehow, this brings me comfort.

What I am not looking forward to is banging into my sisters and father for Christmas Eve. I booked a flight on Christmas Day to go spend a week out west, where the sun is shining and a dear friend anticipates my arrival. But Christmas Eve? It's feeling like a dreadful duty call...one that I don't really want to answer but feel that I must.

Peace and love to you in this difficult season, my dear. I hope your heart finds rest as you navigate these next couple of weeks.

[Johnny Cake]

So. I'm not even sure where to begin- well, of course I do. The unexpected death of my mother on September 23, 2013. I couldn't get a hold of her so the neighbor went over and found her dead on the floor. She wasn't even sick so I was totally unprepared for it (not to say you can ever be prepared for any death). This began the nightmare that is now my life. Just like many on this site, she was my mom, my friend, my confidant and now I am lost. I am having trouble with decision making at work and have already been disciplined for it. I made a poor decision 2 weeks after she died and resulted in disciplinary action. I feel like no one at work cared that my mom died nor did they cut me at break- they literally DO NOT CARE. They even scheduled me to work all of the holidays. I feel like my friends don't know what to say so they say nothing at all and are uncomfortable if I bring up the subject. The thought of Christmas TOTALLY depresses me when all around me are gearing up for it asking me if I have my tree up?,is my shopping done? when the truth is- I'm not putting my tree up and I really don't feel like buying anyone anything! I know it's not fair to my family but I just can't seem to get myself out of this. I'm hoping that since I just lost my mom, my family will forgive me this year and that next it will be better. Apparently though, some people think I should already be over it. I really feel alone.

It sounds like you work for a bunch of gangsters. Slash their tires. LOL. I played in a band after my father's unexpected death and I made a lot of mistakes playing and my band mates understood.

Right now your priority is you and if some people don't like it tell them to _________!

[RumbleDoll]

Thank you all so very much. I'm devastated. My Mom was my best friend, I was an only child. Losing my Dad was sudden and so tragic and we got through it together. Then came along my daughter and my divorce and she was there for us. My daughter thrived having her "Granny". And then I got cancer and my mother, though terrified, was with me every single step of the way. Some times she would say she felt like they were pumping the chemo or radiation into her. lol But we made it through. And now she's gone. I talked to her every day of my life. She's been living with my daughter and I since 1996 and it's been fantastic. She was so awesome; she allowed me to parent my child my way and to live my own life. She was perfect (okay, not really, but her love was).

My stress level is at an all time high. The holidays are just killing me. My Mom was a Christmas person, too. She loved it and I'm so so so thankful we had a fantastic Christmas last year even though she was sick much of the day. She had a blast and I have that to hang on to. I was so naive thinking if I skipped it in my house that would do the trick. Ha, idiot. It's like I forgot it's everywhere. I cry everyday.

I got a tattoo to cover a visible radiation scar on my chest and someone asked me (innocently) "what would your mother say". Well, I'd just love if my Mother could hate it, could yell at me for it, could tell me it was cool or ugly or take her to the guy because she's getting one to match. lol Actually, I think she'd love it. We were talking about getting one before she passed.

And now my health is going bonkers and I don't know if it is just the stress of the stress playing a huge part in it. I'm having murderous cluster migraines. I had a CT scan yesterday and spent 9 hours in the ER which made me worse because my Mom was always with me when my health spun out of control due to my cancer or my dead pancreas. I'm so afraid if I'm sick again, I won't be able to get through it without her support.

[ameliae]

I lost my mom on 10/6/13. She was only 54. We talked every day and one night she didn't answer my calls or texts. The next day I went to check on her and that was when I found her dead in her bedroom. They estimated she had been lying there waiting to be found for 24 hours and died of sudden cardiac death-although she was perfectly healthy-she had even seen the Dr for a physical 3 days before and nothing was wrong, no chronic conditions-I still can't make sense of it. I don't want anything to do with Christmas. All it is is a reminder of how empty my life is now but it seems that people push it on you anyways. I know that my boyfriend means well, but the last thing that I want to do is wrap presents, bake or decorate. These are the things that my mother would come up and do with us every year, and I'm not ready to do them alone or make new traditions. I know his intentions are good but it's not helping. I've been struggling with extreme bouts of guilt and PTSD(stemming from finding her) and the holidays are making them worse. I just want them to be over. I'm expected to be at my grandfathers and grandmothers(my mom's parents) for Christmas but I don't even know that I can bring myself to go. My grandmother isn't the most emotional person, when I called to tell her her daughter had passed she said to call her back when I could compose myself a little better(and I was pretty composed for having just found my mom dead), so I'm a little worried that if I break down and cry it will be quite uncomfortable. Plus, there is a little resentment in the fact that they were her parents and they didn't even offer to help with the funeral(it wouldn't have been an financial problem for them like it was for me) but instead had me do it all. In fact I had to call and beg them for the last $1000 to pay the funeral home as I only had $2500 and the funeral was $3500, which they reluctantly did give me. I don't know....all I know is that I wish things could go back to the way they were...but they can't. At this point the next best thing will be getting through the holidays and having them be done and over with until next year.

[cindyjane]

I am so very sorry for your loss ameliae. I know your pain, my mom passed away on October 6th as well and I remain numb inside. I've heard it said that special days like Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. are more difficult than other days but I personally find every day tough. Our loss is still so recent amelia so it's going to hurt. One of the things that helps me to get through the tough moments, hours,days, is knowing that my mom is in a good place...home with the Lord. Another thing that helps me is to find things to be grateful for. I thank GOD every dad for blessing me in having her as my mom. I thank Him for the years that I was given with her, even though I would have liked many more. I remember in elementary school a couple of kids lost a parent, I got many more years with my dear mom and for that I am grateful. In thinking about these things, it helps lighten the heartache. We WILL get through this Christmas just a we got through yesterday, the day before and the day before that. Hang in there my friend.