Sudden Loss of My Wife

[jeffz1]

I hope somebody can help me as I am feeling as low as humanly possible. My wife of 20 years (this June) and mother of our adopted child broke her leg on the night before Mother's Day. She had surgery on Mother's Day (metal rods & plate, etc.) and was restricted to a hospital bed in our living room as our bedroom was up a flight of stairs.

Last Wednesday, I found her in her bed as I was getting ready for work. To say I was shocked beyond words can not begin to express my grief. It's now been a little over a week but I still can't believe this has happened to my soulmate. I can't begin to imagine how I am going to go on without her. I have spoken to many wonderful people that have tried to find the right words to help. But there simply are none.

She was the most wonderful, loving, caring woman in the world and I don't exaggerate. I simply can see no reason for God to have taken her from me and her daughter. I'm alone as I type this and I needed to reach out to people who have experienced the same heartbreaking loss. Please send me your prayers and advice for getting through these most difficult times.

Jeff

[armaiti]

Jeff, I am so sorry for your loss.  It has been almost two years for me, since my partner crossed over.  The advice I can offer is this - take each day just one minute at a time.  One small step in front of the other.  And don't let anyone tell you how you should go through the grieving process.  It is very individual and you should do what YOU feel is right for you.  Try not to make any big changes for at least one full year, one full walk around the sun, is the advice given to me by my spiritual teacher.  I kept my all my partner's clothes; I only gave a few things away to friends and family and none to goodwill...I left his clothes in the closet for a full year.  I still wear his flannel shirts to stay warm, and I have an altar with his ashes and pictures and candles. 

I don't know what your spiritual tradition is, but your wife may well send you signs or dreams, things that will have meaning only for you.  

And keep coming back here and posting...there are a lot of great people here, in all different stages of grieving, that offer you words of comfort and advice.

Blessings,

Anna

[jeffz1]

Thank you Anna. I know it will be the most difficult thing I've ever faced in my life. Tonight, I just kept thinking I can't believe this has happened. It just doesn't seem real. I'm just looking for any kind of sign that she is with me.

I've experienced some small moments of peace during the day but then it all crashes down so quickly. I miss her so deeply. 

I was just about to send this when my 8 year old daughter came to me to say good night and gave me a kiss. A second later she gave me a second and said this kiss is from mommy.

[alwaysalone]

I found my fiance pretty much the same way - he had been ill, but we had no idea he was terminally ill. I was in the other room, heard a noise and found him. It was awful - I know how you feel, really!  I remember telling him he couldn't do this to me as I started CPR...we never got him back.  It gets better in a way - the memories bring some smiles instead of gut wrenching pain. It will be 2 months for me on Monday, and it's about half and half. Half the time I think of him I can smile, the other half makes me miss him horribly and cry.  We had so many plans that will never be realized and my life without him feels pretty empty, but there are the kids and we have to be here for them. He, like your wife was the most amazingly compassionate, caring man I have ever met.  He used to ask me why I loved him, I guess my answer for him fits now, why doesn't matter, it just is.

Kate

[jeffz1]

I feel for you Kate. Thank you for your response. Thank you for a glimpse of comfort knowing that as time passes I'll hopefully be able to smile at memories rather than break down knowing I'll never experience new memories with her again. Right now, I feel so so empty, a shell of who I was before. I just can't see how people can move on after a loss like this. The pain is so deep and gut wrenching.

Jeff

[alwaysalone]

I don't think 'move on' is the right term. 'Move through' is more accurate a description.  In the beginning, you just exist, day by day, doing the minimum of what has to be done. As the days progress, you find you can do a little more than yesterday, but maybe tomorrow will be a little less.  It's forward and back all the time. I find myself looking forward to when I can think of him and smile, because then I get brave enough to start remembering on purpose. When I choose what I want to remember, it is certainly a lot more pleasant. Just yesterday, I had this vivid recollection of what his kiss felt like - almost like he was really there, kissing me again and it was so nice to just wallow in that thought and feeling. Much more pleasant than in the reality that I will never feel that way again. I guess that is what we have to make as our goal - to be grateful for what we did have with our loved ones, instead of overwhelmed by that fact that they're gone.

Kate

[neveragain]

Im sorry for your loss. The hardest week for me after my son died was the first. A friend brought us food; it feels now like he saved our lives. You must eat. The second week I could breath a little and had stopped the uncontrolable crying. The third week I could make people cry right where they stood if they deserved it. You do go through it rather than get over it. Your health will be challenged and you should eat and exercise when ever you can. Neveragain

[jeffz1]

I am in the middle of spending 10 days with my wife's sister and her family. Being around people gives me some comfort but I often feel they don't know what to say when I'm in their midst. Even around family I can't help but feel lonely. I am eating and doing my best to get by each day. I guess that is all I can ask for at this time. Thank you all for being here. It really does help to know that others have experienced the same loss and that we can all be there for each other.

[aprilmoonflower]

just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are finding your way to this board like this. take care of yourself but doin't bet yourself up. grief is so natural yet our society doesn't allow it to be felt fully at times. whatever you need to do to get through it is ok. you only have to get through today! oh, and keep coming back here (it will help!)

[rodless]

Jeff, I am sorry for your loss and that you had to come here although this board will help as much as anything can. You've had some good advice and I can only echo...one step at a time and do what is right for you, not what others tell you to. I am almost at the 2 year mark and when I look back I can see healing taking place very slowly. Take joy in your child and know that your wife would want you to find peace and even happiness as time goes by. Mary Jo

[jeffz1]

Thank you everyone. I'm finding it extremely difficult to cope with the fact that less than two weeks ago I was happily married and now I'm alone. When does it truly sink in? I know that I must be strong for my daughter, but I'm finding that tough right now as well. At age eight, she simply has shown little (if any) real remorse. She has simply been enjoying the extra time with her cousin and aunts. Can anybody offer any advice on how best to address a parent's death with a child? My wife and her were extremely close and she was the joy of my wife's life.

Jeff

[robinann202]

Jeff, it is so hard, but I would answer her questions honestly....I would do that myself... I hope the best for you and your family, it is one of the hardest things to expierence.  Grieving is very tough, going through so many emotions one after the other.  Keep faith, no matter how hard it is.  Kids are smart, when she is ready she will ask questions.. Yes, u need to be strong for her, but you cant always be strong, you need to grieve.  Take care, Robin

[jeffz1]

Does anyone have any suggestions on good books to read regarding grieving? I've already read 'When Bad Things Happen to Good People'. Today is exactly two weeks since my wife died. I've found some moments where I've allowed my mind to think about something else for awhile but I still can't believe it's happened.

When did you feel you could begin taking steps in your new existence? I start back to work this coming Monday and I'm both looking forward to it (as a distraction) and am a bit scared at moving on at the same time. I don't look forward to the attention I'm bound to attract although talking about it does seem to help.

Thanks,

Jeff

[qubert]

Jeff, I was given a book called Embraced By The Light by Betty J Eadie about one month after my husband of 21 years died of a heart attack with me and my older son with him. He had never had any signs of heart problems. I am so sorry for your loss. Like everyone here says. One day at a time. I can't tell you how much this book helped me I hope you go and get it. I am at 5 months and I still have some very bad days. Hugs to you and your daughter. As of what to say to her just love her, I have 2 boys 18 and 20 the older one had a very hard time as his dad died died in his arms. God bless you

Susan

[susanbruce]

Jeff,  grief is a long, long journey. Don't feel like you have to feel better by a certain date. For the first weeks after I lost my husband, I just existed. Then reality sort of sets in and depression comes. You may then feel better and then something will happen that may push you back into depression. That's how it was and still is for me.

It's been just over 2 years for me. I have weekly visits to a therapist and it has helped me alot.  

Take things one day at a time. Talk to her when you are in the car by yourself. Look for signs that only you will know, that lets you know she's with you. Journal. Keeping coming back  here and take care of yourself.

Think of what your wife would want you to do. Losing the love of your life sucks. Plain and simple.

Susan 

 

[jeffz1]

Thank you for your suggestions. I appreciate them greatly. I've just always been a person who has felt mostly in control, very practical. Now, I've (as each of you) been thrown into a sudden new reality that I've could've never imagined before.

I know in my heart she would want great things for me and to stand strong and reach out. That gives me some strength. As somebody else who lost her husband over 25 years ago told me, "There are no college courses on how to handle a loss of a spouse, we just do, in our own way." May God bless each of us every day!

Jeff

[jeffz1]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading posts on the "I miss him" thread and have been feeling the exact same emotions as everyone else. I almost added to that thread but I didn't want to impose. Are there any widowers on this site? I realize it doesn't really matter as we all feel the same miserable feelings at the loss of our loved one. I definately feel a connection with everyone on this site. Thank God for all of you. I wish we could all give big hugs to each other. I never appreciated deep hugs like I do now.

I, too, am looking for signs (and not really getting them or simply missing them) and I feel sad beyond belief. I keep reaching out to friends and family and that helps momentarily but I just can't seem to get past the fact that I'll never feel her, see her smile and laugh again, and hear her comforting words when I was at my lowest. Now at my most depressed state I really need her the most. I've made it to Day 23 but I know I have many, many more days of grief ahead of me.

Jeff

[armaiti]

Jeff, I found it took some time before I started getting the dreams from Ishaq...almost like he needed to learn how to communicate with me in a new way.  I think our beloveds are learning new ways of being too, and can't always communicate with us right away.  This is so early for you...I think the dreams really started coming more regularly after a few months.  It's been almost two years for me now, and I still have visits from Ishaq.  I hope you get a sign or dream from your wife soon.

Blessings,

Anna

[gone4evr]

Jeff,

     I lost my husband in January, massive heart attack while playing basketball.  We have a 5 year old little boy.  What your daughter is doing is normal.   I don't think they lack remorse for the situation.  I just think they have to deal with it in their own time.  I don't think kids under the age of 10  really understand what death means.  They basically just know that mom or dad got sick and had to go live in heaven.  I think the biggest thing you need to watch for is fear of abandonment.  I can tell you that my son was more concerned that something was going to happen to me and then he wouldn't have a mom and dad.  I still struggle with that fear with him.  I am constantly reassuring him.  Other things I noticed:  The first two weeks were the hardest.  He cried the first two days and then he would go through quiet times or he would be clingy especially to me.  My son initially carried around his father's wallet and then it was his coat, and then it was a favorite shirt, and eventually his hat.  I never refused those things.  He needed something to feel connected to his father.  For a little girl, her mom's favorite perfume, a nightgown, a piece of jewelry, her mom's purse.  One other thing I did was take all of my husband's clothes and had my aunt make two beautiful quilts out of his clothes, for both my son and I.  It gives us something to wrap up in and feel comforted by-- it works great!  (If you don't know anyone who quilts, check with the local churches or the senior citizen's center, often they have women who love to quilt).  Most of all I take all my cues from him.  When he wants to talk, we talk.  I never force anything on him.   I don't try to hide my emotions.  He sees me cry once in a while and sometimes we cry together.  I never force him to go to the cemetary, but I also don't hide that I am going.  He always has the option to go with me or stay with his grandparents.  I included my son when I picked out the headstone, which made it a little special for him.  Just know when  your daughter is ready to talk, she will talk.  Keep the lines of communication open and be patient with her.  Just because she seems happy right now and doesn't seem to be bothered by her mother's death, it will come.  She needs to know that you love her and will always be there for her.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  In all honesty, none of us want to be here.  But we come here for support and understanding from people who are going through what we are going through.  Just know that we are all here to listen and help you along the way. Know that as hard as it is right now, it does get a little better with time.  It has been 5 months for us and I still cry almost daily.  But I am also able to laugh and smile at some of the memories.  My son is doing good also and your daughter will be ok too, give it time!  

Sandy

 

[laquinn]

Jeff I am so sorry that you had to find this place. I lost my husband October 12, 2007 after a very short deal with cancer. My boys are 23 and 26 and they have dealt with this so much better than I have but I have 3 grandsons one of which is 3 he was papa's boy. I am not sure where he came up with this but his way of dealing with this loss is "Papa broke down" I do not know where this came from, but that is what he started saying. He getts quite sometimes and you would ask him whats wrong and he would tell me I wish papa didn't brake down I want to play with him. He goes with us to the cemetary and he just stands there and talks to him the last time he said Papa I want you to come back home so we can play now get up and come home with me and that brought tears to my eyes and I had to go back to the car. He has an older brother that is 4 that is a very sick boy and his mom had to have a talk with him about his brother. The drs have told us that if he has another seizer(?) that will probly kill him. So he has seen his mom and dad cry and wants to know whats wrong and the only thing that they can tell him is that buba might break down like papa. Kids know so much at such a young age when your daughter is ready she will ask and talk to you about her mother tell her everything that you want her to know. Tell her all the memories that you have about her mother and all the things that ment something to her. I am in the procces of writing things down for my grandsons so when they are older they will still remember their papa. I hope things are going well for you.

((((Hugs)))) Lela 

[jeffz1]

Thank you for the advice & (((hugs))) everyone!

Anna- I think you may be right about it taking a little while. I went to a birthday party yesterday for a friend of my wife. She recalled a dream she had this past week. In her dream she spoke with my wife and asked her, "What are you doing here. Go see Jeff." My wife supposedly answered, "He's not ready yet." I feel like I'm ready and I really want to hear from her but I've also read that our beloved know what is best for us. They will only come to us when the moment is right.

Sandy & Lela - On Friday night, I spoke on the telephone with another friend that was checking in on me. She mentioned having a close family friend who is a child psychologist who worked wonders with her child dealing with detachment issues. She relayed my situation to her and she really wants to assist me and my daughter in any way. I feel so blessed how friends have really helped me through this time. Without any family nearby, I've had to rely exclusively on friends (most of who were friends of my wife) and phone calls with relatives. I thank God and my wife everyday for touching so many people's lives.

I am also coming up on what would have been our wedding anniversary this Tuesday. I'm personally dreading it as I know it will be a very tough day especially so close to her passing (one day short of 4 weeks). Those of you that have had to go through your first anniversary alone, how did you do? Does anybody have any suggestions on how to get through that day?

Jeff

[susanbruce]

I took balloons to the cemetary - the I love you and Miss you type - tied them together and tied a piece of his favorite candy - Bit o Honey to the end and let it go. I watched it till I could not see it anymore. Susan

[gone4evr]

All of the firsts are going to be difficult.  My husband died two weeks before my birthday, four weeks before our anniversary and Valentines Day.  Both were extremely hard days.  For my birthday, I was going to go out with my parents for dinner but I received the deed to the cemetary plots- which really made the day extremely sad, so we stayed in.  I couldn't stop crying.  For our anniversary, I bought a small cake and some flowers.  I set balloons off on Father's day and I'll do the same on his birthday in October.  A really hard day is coming up on July 4th-- the day we met.  We always celebrated that day!

I think a child psychologist is a great idea.  My son has his grandfather and my brother who he opens up to all the time.  We also talk about his dad a lot, especially at bedtime.  I think it would have been more devistating to my son if he would have lost me.  He is much closer to me than he was his father.  My husband worked a lot, so the time he was with him, was maybe a few hours a night and on the weekends. 

It is going to be really hard on your little girl, losing her mom.  Something to think about down the line is the Big Sister/Big Brother program.  I did that years ago and it's a great program.  Your daughter is going to need an adult female to help her through those tough times that she may not feel comfortable talking to you about (puberty and boys).  Also, female friends of your wife may also help out with your daughter.  Most of all, spend as much time with her as you can right now.  You need to develop a really strong father daughter bond before she hits puberty. 

Know that we are all here to help.  Give your little girl a big hug.

Sandy

 

[gone4evr]

Just another thought.  Check out the local hospice or hospitals for grieve support services.  I know when I worked for hospice we had support groups for children, widowers and one for widows.  You don't have to have a patient in hospice to qualify for their grief programs.  Often the hospices have wonderful grief support groups for children!

Sandy

[jeffz1]

Well I made it though our wedding anniversary yesterday. I awoke to a U2 song on the radio alarm. The exact lyric that came on was "I'll wait...for you."  from their song "With or Without You". I wonder if that was Suzy speaking to me. I sure hope so. The day was as difficult as I feared and I broke down often during the day. Thankfully I called several people throughout the day to tell them the significance of the day. I took aspects of your advice and "celebrated" alone while my daughter was swimming with friends of my wife.

On the way home from work I stopped for two balloons ('a "Happy Anniversary" and a "You'll be Missed"), a bottle of Merlot (her favorite), and 2 dozen roses (I always took out the required number to match our number of years). When I got home I was of course in tears counting the roses and pouring two glasses of wine. I went outside in our backyard and released the balloons while I watched them turn to bright specs in the distance. It truly was as sad as I imagined. I pray that she was there with me (though I'm sure she was). I really felt lonely and unsure how I'd continue without her. Thankfully as a friend who had lost her husband 25 years ago told me midday. You're halfway through your first anniversary without her. You'll never have to have a first one without her again. I guess that is how I have to look at all of the firsts that will come by way throughout this first year. I so miss her and love her with all my heart.

Love to all of you,

Jeff

[airymoon]

jeff i read your post about your daughter. My own was 7 when her daddy died and they were always together. She would cry sometimes but not til after about 3 months at first she was afraid of the things that reminded her of him and then later she was ok with them.I was worried about her at first too and even had the school counselor talk to her. She told me one time that she was sad that her dad was gone and she missed him but his soul and spirit lived in our hearts and he could always see us and sometimes she would hear him in her sleep so she wasn't always sad because he was always here with us we just didn't see him and he would always live in our hearts.She drew a lot of pictures of our family and alot of him in the first months now she writes him letters and we always talk about him.Some its remember when.... and some times i just sy what did your dad look like or what do you remember and usually form there it starts.I have learned through her that younger kids seem to have a grasp on the situation a lot better than us ignorant adults. I think because its easier for them to be open minded and feel their lovedones with them. I hope this helps

Becky

[jeffz1]

Thanks Becky. Has anyone here experienced irrational fears and anxiety? I think I'm going crazy sometimes. It really just started yesterday and it has really scared me. I'm even afraid to bring it up. Let's just say that I'm petrified of being truly alone. Is this normal? I don't know if it's just really starting to sink in or what. I just want to reach out to you guys for support and I hope somebody is there.

Jeff

[laquinn]

Jeff I think all of us at one time or another has felt like that I know that I have just this week. It will be 9 months for me on the 12th and there are so many times I just wish it was all a dream. Sometimes I cry so hard that I can't breath. Or that I am losing my mind like I have to go back over things to make sure I did it right or that I shut everything off before I leave the house. And there are sometimes that I just tell the kids that I can't watch the kids because I don't  feel like I am capiable of doing that anymore and I really hate how I feel most of the time.  There are so many times that I feel just so alone even when my kids are here with me. I can trully say that up until now I have never been alone and I will be 47 this year. And it scares the hell out of me sometimes cause I don't know what to expect now, I mean when he passed I lost the second income that he was bring in I do still get his pennsion but I am constantly holding on till things are paid to see if I can get grocerys or just to do something for me, never had to do that before and I am scared that I will screw something up. All I can do now is to the best that I can and hope that he is watching out for me. Someday I hope that all of this pain goes away and I can really remember all of the good times without crying. I was remembering just today last 4th of July my youngest and his wife were working the firework tent here in town and we kept our grandson, well he was sick all day and didn't feel good. We took him to the firework show and my husband called our son and was really upset with him and now I think all along he know that he was sick and he just didn't feel good that day either, so now I am remembering things even when he wouldn't tell me. I know I am straying from the subject thats how my mind works now. But things will get better for you I can say that today is better than yesterday and hopefully tomorrow will be better than today.

Lela

[gone4evr]

Jeff,

What you are experiencing isn't out of the ordinary.  We are all having those moments of anxiety and fear.  I'm afraid of storms now.  I have never been afraid of storms.  I also fear that something is going to happen to me.  I think that one scares me the most because it typically occurs in the middle of the night and triggers a panic attack.  These attacks just came on about 2 months ago for me. 

I think that eventually they do go away, it just takes time.  Right now, having lost a spouse and so suddenly and unexpectedly, your mind and body are in shock.  Remember that mind numbing feeling that you had in the beginning?  The feelings of being in a fog all the time?  That was your brain protecting you.  As that fog starts to lift, you are now slowly facing the realities of your loss and at times it upsets you, it triggers other things, like fear and anxiety.  These are normal!  You are going to have fears and anxiety.  You are experiencing something new, an abrupt change that you didn't have time to mentally prepare yourself for, so it is natural to have some difficulties adapting.  Just remain rationale throughout them.  Talk them out with someone you trust or journal them.  Maybe seeing it on paper you will be able to work through them.  Like you, my husband died very suddenly and very unexpectedly.  He had a heart attack while playing basketball.  When I received the call from one of the players on his team I thought it was a cruel joke.  I pictured that he had broken his leg or sprained his ankle but to have a heart attack?   I still can't believe it at times.  But, I know it's real.  I think the anxiety attacks or the sudden fears that crop up is just a part of the coping process.  It will get better or at least it better!!!  I can't imagine living forever like this!

You may discover that eventually you need to be closer to family, just to give yourself peace of mind.   I live close to my family, and I will say, it has been a blessing!!!  It has taken off some of the pressure at times.  It's good to know, when I feel that anxiety creeping in that I can pick up the phone and someone can be here in a few minutes if I need them.  For now, just be patient with yourself. 

Sandy

[jeffz1]

I guess I need to see some light at the end of the tunnel because coping with this just plainly sucks. Simply driving in the car with my daughter reminds me that my wife is not along side me in the passenger seat. Even if we weren't talking and just driving there was comfort in knowing she was right there beside me. Depression just seems to come at you in a flash and I wonder how the heck I'm going to be able to move through this. Everyone keeps saying "You will", "Things will bet better", etc. but do you really feel like it's possible.

Yesterday, I went to a wedding reception that my wife had been looking forward to before she broke her leg. She was the life of any party she attended and I knew that I had to be there just for her. It was as hard as I imagined it would be, but I somehow made it through it. Near the beginning, a friend I went with had to take me out of the room just after the bride & groom's first dance. The memories of our wedding were simply too much to handle. I even sucked it up enough to "dance" twice especially a more rocking song that I know my wife would've been enjoying that ended the evening. With tears streaming down my face I stepped on the dance floor just for her. I like to think she was out there with me.

I just miss her so much and continue to search for signs that she's by my side. I really want to know if she's proud of how I'm trying to handle her loss. I think she would be. Like everyone else here, I just long to hear from her one more time.

Jeff

[laquinn]

Jeff

I know what you mean when you go to places and things that ment so much to the both of you. She would be happy that you are caring on what you both enjoyed. I am finding it a little and I mean a little that I can start remembering things that we enjoyed together. The one hard thing for me was I enjoyed dancing with him so much. And the place that I work at always has bands on the weekend and the first night a band played one of the songs we used to dance to all the time I had to go outside. But now I am finding that I can listen to some of the songs and remember the last time we danced. I too am still looking for the singes that he is happy with how I am doing but I really haven't had any yet but I feel that I am still here going day to day so I am sure he watching out for me.

I am really not that far into all of this but I think that someday there will be a lite at the end.

(((((Hugs)))))

Lela

[jeffz1]

It's been five weeks today and I find myself still taking it extremely hard. I read everyone's comments about how they're nearing one, two or more year anniversaries and still feel great sorrow. I just can't even imagine reaching those milestones yet. How do you do it? Yesterday and today, I've been trying to put together a list of happy memories so that I don't forget anything. That has been a fear I've been struggling with recently (forgetting her voice, losing details in memories, etc.). I looked at a few grainy digital camera videos of my daughter and wife the other evening just to hear her voice for the first time since she died. It was so hard to watch without balling my eyes out.

I had a first visit with a counselor today and had a chance to get out some of my feelings of guilt and regret at being unable to fully express my love before she died so unexpectedly. It was somewhat helpful and I look forward to next week's visit but I still feel like crap and my stomach hurts. Please tell me this gets better.

Love and hugs to everyone feeling sad today. I sincerely hope we all find some peace and comfort. Thanks for being here and giving me a place to express myself. I read all of the other posts and feel everyones pain and I'm lifted up by the positive posts of those who have journeyed a bit longer in their grief.

Jeff

[rodless]

Jeff,

Everything you are feeling and going through is something we have all experienced. The memories of her voice and face will come back...you will not lose them. It may take awhile. At first I could not remember anything but the days before Rod died and how he looked and sounded then (he'd worn an oxygen mask for 6 weeks) and was so afraid I would never be able to think of him any other way. Gradually those faded and I can picture and hear him happy and healthy.

It also takes time to work through regrets and all the "should haves." I think the hardest person in the world to forgive is ourself. But we are only human and did the best we could at the time with the knowledge we had. That was something Rod held on to as he had regrets about a divorce and not paying enough attention to his kids so I also hang on to that thought when I am down on myself for all the things I didn't do or say.

Hope this helps. I know you hear over and over it gets better...many days that was the only thing that kept me going...knowing others had come through.

Mary Jo

 

 

 

[mishknit]

jeff....

it's been 2 1/2 years for me.

it gets better.

it gets different.

i can promise you both of those things.

you're at 5 weeks...you have a ways to go sweetie. but if you go through it, feeling it, not hiding from the pain and working with your counselor will help...then you will be on the right path to make it get better.

hang in there,

peace,

michele

[susanbruce]

Jeff, how are you doing? Don't forget we are here.  Susan

[jeffz1]

I'm still here. I'm just having a really tough week. I'm just so full of confusing thoughts that I feel like I'm going crazy. To top it off I think I have a stomach flu of some kind and I can't get my mind off of my upset stomach. I saw two counselors this week and was able to let go of some guilt I carried but it seems to have brought up other issues. Is it normal to feel guilty about not feeling sadness at times. When I do I start to question and doubt myself. Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers.

Thanks,

Jeff

[bandit1716]

Jeff I lost my LOVE just over two years ago. I have found that men have a much harder time getting over the death of a spouse . Don't time the grief . I was told it takes a year. Not so with me. I timed the first year ,stupidly thinking that I would feel better. I did not .At this time in my life ,I am 73 yo . I am ready to join my bride. Advice= stay busy ,pray to God to help you every day. It works. You will go thru phases and even regress a time or two.If I can help give me a shout. Larry

[jeffz1]

Thanks, Larry. I've actually felt a little better the last couple of days, like I'm dwelling less on my wife's passing. I was finally able to get 7-8 hours of sleep this past Friday, however, I was back to 2-3 hours last night. I find myself not thinking much beyond this day or the next or I know I'd be overwhelmed.

I still can't look at a photo of her and believe she is gone. It just seems so surreal. My daughter & I watched the movie 'E.T.' over the weekend and I lost it when E.T. says "I'll be right here." while pointing at the boy's head. It seems any movie I watch has some scene that will bring on the tears.

[laquinn]

Jeff I hope today is ok for you. I am at 9 months and I am starting to fall back into the not being able to sleep. I thought I was doing ok but now I have fallen back. It is a very hard road and for me it has to be music that I hear that we used to dance to that I still have a hard time listening to.  Hope you are doing ok. Lela