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1yr since losing a newborn


Nkosi'sMommy

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November 27, 2012 I gave birth via c-section to my son. He was 25wks when my membranes ruptured. I was in active labor with his feet and legs coming out of my cervix for 4 hours before they could perform the c-section. My anesthesia and the stress was too hard on him and his heart crashed shortly after birth. They couldn't revive him. I was still asleep so I did not get to see him alive, but my husband did. I am convinced that if I had been able to get to a better hospital, not my hometown hospital without a NICU, he would have survived. He was a perfectly healthy little boy.

I kind of went a little crazy after that. I tried very hard not to show my pain to anyone. My husband was having such a hard time dealing that I did't think i could lose it until he was stronger. I appeared to be unflappable. Only a few people saw me cry. My friends even took me out to my birthday dinner less than a week after I got out of the hospital. I think this took a toll on me mentally. I couldn't sleep. I was having hallucinations and blackouts. I was doing and saying things I don't remember. I became very, very angry and mean. I lost friends because of my behavior, some of it I remember and some it I don't. I am still angry. I get angry everyday when someone acts like I should be over it, when someone gets uncomfortable when I mention his name, or when someone else is ungrateful for what hey have.

I am now 19wks pregnant with our second child, our daughter Aminah. I have an ultrasound every 2wks and every appointment my stomach drops as I wait for bad news. I will not be able to go on if something happens to her.

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Mommysangelisabella

Nkosi,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know the pain wich you are going threw all to well. My isabella went to heaven when she was 25 weeks old as well. I to was never able to hold her or see her alive. My diffrence is she passed away before birth. But loosing our babies is very painful. My angel has only been gone 2 months but i cant see being over it ever. we just learn to breath and live as the new us whatever that means. most od us post or read under loss of an adult child including me. So if and when your ready we welcome you with open arms to our family none of us wished to ever join but are greatful for it. Im praying for you and your angel.

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NKosi's mom

Grief will not be denied. Grief is a permanent part of our life. I have had to make friends with grief and give grief it's time. My 16 year old son, Brian died 6-19-2008. The day my old life ended and my new life began.

As soon as I think I have a handle on grief, grief takes me by the throat and body-slams me on the ground. I have had to make grief my friend, because grief will not be denied.

Invite the grief into your life and give grief it's place. And pray.

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever

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