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Francy119

I lost my husband - my everything - three weeks ago

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Hi,

This is my first post. I've been desparately trying to find face to face counseling specific to what I have experienced but suicide and depression still seems to be brushed under the carpet in England.

I had a counseling session with a charity for bereavement support last week but felt very neutral afterwards because I feel that the lady would have said exactly the same to someone who lost their spouse through a heart attack or car accident, but this is different, isn't it!?

No matter how much I tell myself that my husband must have been depressed, I just cannot get my head round him having actually committed suicide!

I am 29 and moved to England from Germany when I was 19 because we were madly in love and have been ever since. We never argued and were most happy when we were together. He was always my rock but was also open to show and talk about his feelings. We had such an open, honest and loving relationship. Why could he not talk to me about the demons inside him? How can he just leave me like that? I've lost everything because he was my everything, my purpose of life!

On Monday, 21st October 2013 I came home late from work, about 6.30pm. He normally waits in the front room for me when he is home before me but he wasn't there. I shouted Hello coz I thought he might be upstairs, then I put the keys on the kitchen table and found a note addressed to me. It said:

My dearest Francesca,

You are the best that ever happened to me. I'm sorry I have deceived you. I feel worthless and this action is something I have been thinking about for some time. I hope you can forgive me in time. Please send my apologies and love to everyone that matters. I love you more than I can say.

David

Panic-struck I ran upstairs and found him on his stomach on the floor in the main bedroom. I shouted his name and rang my friend as well as the emergency line straight away. The lady on the phone talked me through the CPR which I did for 8min until the first coresponder appeard, then the second and third ambulance cars arrived and my friend was able to take me downstairs. After half an hour or so they confirmed that it was too late: He took an overdose of pain killers.

My friend said that he wanted to look as peaceful as possible when I found him which is why he chose our bed. He just didn't anticipate the stomach cramps that would lift him out of bed onto the floor.

Feeling simply numb I was interviewed by the police and said goodbye to him before the undertakers took him to the nearby hospital.

Still feeling numb I rang my Mum, his brother and so on and so on. Every single one of them screamed, cried, shouted, wept immediately - not me - I was just numb, composed and shaking.

In the following two weeks lots of David's family and friends as well as my parents, friends and colleagues came to my house. I never manged to go to bed before 3am on any of those nights as we ended up chatting, trying to analyse the reasons why. Nobody knew he was depressed. Nobody would have thought... David was such an open and friendly person, always had a big smile on his face and healthy rosy cheeks underneath his gentle brown eyes.

It's 3 weeks today, I have been back at work for three half days and it actually offered me a welcomed distraction in the morning but I don't know how to cope and am struggling to get the advice I need.

This afternoon/evening was the first time that I was by myself which set off my first proper crying fit. Everytime I think of what David did, my stomach turns over, I feel ill and start to shake. I describe it as anxiety. I also tell myself that this is so unreal that I must wake up any minute and it'll be alright, David would never do such a thing! Why should he? We were so happy! We haven't had children yet, so he left me totally alone, I don't have anything to hold on to - not a single piece of him...well, we had our little "family" actually: two cats and a house rabbit. I have to look after them now coz they are all I've got - pets.

I have this amazing support from my friends, my work, David's family and friends and I'm not even native! My parents are worried of course but understand that my life and home is in England. I feel so bad because despite all this love and support I really don't want to live anymore! What for? I never knew life can be so terrible and I can't see the sense in anything anymore. I know I need a new purpose in life to help me get through this but I just can't find it at the moment. Can anyone help me find my way please?

Thanks,

Francy

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HeyJude   

Hi Francy -

First let me say how terribly sorry I am for your loss.

Most of us are here for the same reason, we lost someone very close to us and struggle to try to get back some normalcy in our lives. I can't think of anything worse than the loss of a spouse/partner. Wanting to not live anymore is pretty normal from what I've seen around here. I went through the same thing myself. In fact I still feel like I wouldn't care either way if I lived or died.

I'm like you, I have pets as family now. All my life I have hated being alone. I never could do "alone" very well and now I'm completely alone except for some dogs and a cat. Just trudging along each day. It has been 10 months for me and it has gotten somewhat easier but then, just when you think you have a grip on it, you back slide into grief again. I think it is going to be an endless cycle like this for me.

Since you lost your husband feel free to post in Loss of Partner as well. Everyone there has lost their mate in different ways. This is a great forum for support, stick around.

Judy

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Francy, I am so, so sorry that you are experiencing this tragic loss. Never in a million years, did we imagine we would ever have to deal with this type of loss or the magnitude of this pain. My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you sweetheart and my prayer is that God will wrap his arms around you, hold you close to his heart, keep you safe and warm, and touch your broken heart and spirit. May he give you strength, courage and peacefulness the rest of your days. I don't know why they chose this way to deal with the hardships of life. I don't know if they are born with an element of sadness within their heart or spirit that prevents them from holding on to the break of a new day. I just don't know. I, too, found my Mom in her kitchen and she had shot herself and there was blood still running out. I still see it each day. Because it was a violent death, the police questioned everyone, and there had to be an autopsy. But she did leave notes for the family and her clothes laid out for her funeral. It proves that we never know what is going on behind those smiles and those appearances that everything is okay. You will go through so many emotions. Shock, numbness, despair, sadness, anger, guilt, over and over. We feel like, was it something I said, or something I did or didn't do. It has been a nightmare I think I will wake up from someday. Yes, some counselors don't treat suicide as different, but it is because we feel like maybe it was something we did or how did we miss the signs? We think death by illness was not their choice to leave us but suicide is their choice to leave us. Weren't we good enough, loving enough, why did they abandon us? But, you just have to remember it was not you, it was something within him that was not right and he felt that was his only option, which is not rational. I know your life has been altered forever and will never be the same, you will never be the same. It will take a long, long time to begin to heal. I have been in mourning almost a year. Mom's birthday (and my daughter's birthday) is next Monday and I dread it. Please, please hang on. God made you Francy, for a reason, for a mission here on earth. You are already stronger than most. It's true what they say, "You never know how strong you are until that is the only option." Your life does have purpose and you have a long beautiful life ahead of you. You are touching lives each and every day and don't even know it. You have people to love, whether it is present day family, future loved ones, future children and grandchildren, you just never know. They are waiting for you. Google Youtube and find a group called The Gaithers, and find their song I'll Pray For You. It helped me so much. Keep talking to everyone that will listen to you. Talking about it helped me. Please stay Francy, use this experience for strength and wisdom. Please know you are not alone and you are loved. Sincerely, Sherry

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I am so sorry for your loss. My brother David shot himself at the age of 22. That was 12 weeks ago this Thursday. It doesn't get any easier, but it will get less sharp and less intense with time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours while we are all rendered speechless, helpless, and with no cure.

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Thank you for your comments. It's strange how talking to people who have experienced the same makes you feel better even though it doesn't change the situation.

I suppose this is a burden on our hearts which will always stay with us, it's just that with time it settles on our hearts in a way which still makes it heavier but weighs it down less - and maybe even to a point where it becomes one with the heart which will then enable us to feel joy again and live on? Almost like a fence growing into a tree: At first it creates a wound and then is slowly growing over and wrps it up.

Don't worry I'm not going anywhere. I'm just on auto-pilot and function because I have to. Just having to find the sense of going on... My friend is taking me to yoga next week and my other firend wants me to be the god mother of her daughter - they are trying really hard to get my spark back into life and I feel very lucky to have these people in my life. It's just that at the end of the working day I'm coming home to pets and not my husband. I used to ring him every lunch time, now I don't have anyone to ring at lunch anymore. I don't have anyone to cook for anymore unless friends are around. I'm just so hurt by what he has done. He was the most important aspect of my life and now he's gone which really hurts.

I'm going to a self-help group next Thursday where I'll meet lots of other people who have lost someone through suicide. I'm very helpful that I will find comfort in listening and talking to them.

Thanks again for your comments guys and Sherry, I'm not religious but your words made me feel better and I even downloaded the Gaithers onto my phone. Sometimes I wish I was religious because the faith would give me something to hang on to rather than being left with no sense of life.

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I am so sorry for your loss. My son passed away in 2011. It was natural causes,but my sister committed suicide in 2003.

She never really said she was depressed she had a car accident a while before and was injured so she couldn't work .she too was on pain killers.we all went out to dinner on thanksgiving.and the Sunday after 3days later she was gone.she never said anything ,didnt leave a note which was very strange. As she was the kind of person who blabbed about anything,the night before we were discussing Christmas plans for dinner ect...why would she care about that if she was going to kill herself ,I can't believe she didn't at least call my mother to say good buy.at 10a that Sunday she apparently got dressed,had breakfast with her husband ,fed the cat.and said to her husband she was going to the bathroom,he said he heard a loud bang and when he went to see ,she had killed herself by shooting herself in the head.i always thought the story was fishy ,but no one really investigated much ,just went by what her husband said and ruled it suicide.no one really is sure but that's what they said.i know the horror of a sudden loss like yours ,and more recently my only son died suddenly in 2011 of a heart dysrthmia .

Please take care and try to hang in there ,find someone to talk to are there support groups there to go to.

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Hi Steve's Mom,

Thank you for your post. I too am very sorry for your losses - both were sudden and very tragic.

I obviously don't know the circumstances of your sister's death but if you trust her husband maybe just believe him no matter how surreal this story seems? Since I've told people about my husband there were a few who told me that they lost their best friend or aunt that way too. And also the stuff I hear in my selfhelp group is gruesome. I have come to the conclusion that we (healthy-minded people) cannot even begin to imagine the strain it puts on people that are battling their inner demons all their lives. The fact that your sister died the way she did, may actually be explained with her depression. I know now that people do the strangest out-of their normal character things when they are in this mindset. I mean, my husband was always so bubbly and cheerful - he was my sunshine and I was his. How can he then look me in the eyes in the morning the loving way he always did, knowng full well what he will do 5h later? We even spoke on the phone during my lunch break the way we always did and discussed what I'd cook for dinner when I come home. I cannot get my head round this, no matter how much I tell myself he must have been suffering from depression.

With regards to your son I do feel ever so sorry for your loss and hope you have found a way to manage this grief. No parent should have to loose a child. I just want to hug you and say that everything will be okay...but then I can't say that because who am I to know or to say?

I ask myself every morning what the point is of getting up. It is so hard to keep going and find the motivation to manage very day one after another. It's been 8 weeks now since I lost my husband and reality has pushed the shock and disbelief aside. I feel very lonely and hate being by myself some nights but this also gives me time to reflect and let the grief out.

Even though I haven't found my new purpose of life yet and with all the deaths and misfortunes that are currently happening around me, I can't say life makes any sense to me. But in this terrible time I have come to realise what amazing people there are around me and how much I'm loved. This is the only reason that keeps me going right now.

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Lost my husband: Week 8 now

The first 5 weeks I hardly remember now because they were overpowered by numbness, shock and disbelief. As well as lots and lots of people constantly around me, cooking for me, making me eat. Trying to cheer me up by doing origami, crochet or other silly games.

Weeks 6 & 7 have been the hardest so far because realisation that this isn't just a nightmare has set in:

- Realisation that he won't ever come back and smile at me with his big brown eyes ever again, hits so deep.

- Realisation of truly being alone and not being able to do what we had planned to do together rips my heart apart.

- Realisation that the guilt I feel sits so deep that I can't allow myself to process it at the moment because it would destroy that little bit of sanity that I have regained in my life.

- Realisation that I will have to change my way of speaking at some point coz saying "we live in a nice house", "we have two cats", "David likes the Rolling Stones too", "my husband told you last time..." - give the wrong impression to strangers and open up innocent questions like "oh what does your husband do" which hit me like a stone in the head.

- Realisation that life sucks and is so terrible that only the love I'm currently receiving from everyone around me, gets me out of bed every morning.

- Realisation that this year I won't be getting a "wife xmas card" and I won't be buying a "husband xmas card" nor will I go crazy at Debenhams or Marks & Spencers in the gents department like I used to do for xmas. I just loved buying him prezzies.

Also, to help me overcome the horrific image that has manifested itself in my head of how I found him in the bed room and how I tried to resusitate him until the ambulance came, I asked a friend of mine to renovate our old bedroom. I will rent this room out to someone at some point next year to help me keep the house from a financial point of view. This means I moved into our old guest room which is now My Bedroom, yes Mine - not ours or mine and his anymore, just mine...having bought a couple of pieces of new furniture for this room with my mum really brought it home to me that he is really not coming back and My "lovely" new room is a big fat signifier of that - an indicator of me moving on and having to live my life without my husband. - This realisation also hurts. The pain I'm currently feeling is so deep. I never imagined it can be so deep and painful. Like someone trying to gutt you alive. So deep that I don't allow myself to think about it for too long and try to tackle this by keeping myself busy.

Currently no memories of the past ten years with my husband make me feel any better. I know they were both our happiest years ever but this just increases the pain of his loss and the disbelief of him actually having killed himself. I've had to change the radio channel we always listened to, have to watch different TV programs now and generally try to do things differently because if I didn't do this it would feel to similar to what we used to do together and his absence would be enhanced by this normality.

My friend introduced me to the band "Imagine Dragons" who I absolutely adore now. And one of their songs from their album "night vision" is called "Demons" which I always play when I'm down because it reflects how I feel and what's going on inside me. Everyone in this forum is having to deal with a dark sadness which we all have inside us every second of the day. Maybe this song will make you feel more normal too and even help you a bit:

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53 Days ago... I lost my husband 

 

My precious husband, No-one can replace him.
My partner for 24 years died at th2 age of 72, it's 53 days since he left me. The pain doesnt subside, the pain and tears keep coming more everyday. Everything i see reminds me of him. Everything i eat reminds me of him. His memory is everywhere in this home. He was so active and healthy, then he suddenly died of heart failure and liver failure. He was my comfort when i lost my first husband to liver cirrhosis. Then in 1993 we lost our first child, he was my comfort. Now that he is gone, who is my comfort. Two hours before i saw him, even though his feet were cold and he stood still, i still believed in my heart and in God that he would return home from the hospital. I told him I made his bed and cleaned the room and the children and I would be waiting for him. He gave me and the children so many years of happiness. The only comfort i have is knowing that he knew how much i loved him and how much his children loved him because we showed him and told him all the time. While he was in the hospital i would sing for him "happy journey" by Hank Locklin, now every night i still sing for him...Happy journey happy journey don't forget the one who love you so, I'll be lonely waiting just for you I'll be patient and forever true, Happy journey happy journey darling till that day,When you'll be coming back to stay...
I keep questioning God, Why couldnt he stay with me just a little longer. 
Nothing in this world can replace the happiness he gave me.

He was always so contented, he never complained.

Yesterday i went into the store room where he kept his clothes he would use to cut the lawn, his scent and presence was so strong, my grief started all over again.

I played a song he liked by Everly Brothers, dream dream dream... anything to feel his presence

I cant face the supermarkets or church, i cant watch movies or cook things i knew he loved.

The grief feels like it has no end. None of my friends or sisters can understand how i feel because they never lost a husband.

Everyday i question God, why , my two husbands, my son, then my mother and my father.

I still have my children, Sometimes they try to tell me jokes to make me laugh but all my humor is gone.

He kept devoted to Jesus till his last breath and he died a christian and with all of our prayers... this is my only comfort, this is all i have,

I want to say thanks to all the women who shared their stories, it helps me so much.

I appreciate any words of advise and encouragement 

Thank you all.
God Bless you !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGoWtY_h4xo

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Rob   

 I Have been all over looking for solution to my Marriage until i tried out the internet, I found a prophet Mica whom people talked about and shared his website online http://livingspirits.webs.com, My wife has decide to leave our marriage, because he said he can't stand my mom, But i love my wife so much that i can let her leave after 8years of marriage. So the prophet did changed the whole problems and issue to testimony, He did a spell to calm and reconcile my mom and my wife and then carryout a spell to make my wife love me more and remain in our marriage. I saw results after 2days and to be frank, this prophet is a God sent. My family is as peaceful and lovely as i asked for..I'm grateful.

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Francy119, I identify with your story completely. The love of my life for 14 years committed suicide 2 weeks ago. Everything you said resonates with me. Here is my story:

I know this post is  4 years old, but if you see this again could you update on how you are now? I would love to hear how another surviver made it. I need hope. I hope you see this to update.

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Francy119, I wish I could meet you and have conversation over brunch and share our experiences, since they are so similar and around the same age group and especially since you are now 4 years on now. Probably a pipedream but, maybe if you see this my email is sonikbaby@gmail.com.  

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