Has anyone felt like it was your fault?

[whitedove2]

I was just wondering if anyone here has felt like it was your fault that your parent is gone?

Reason i ask that is because i feel like i killed my mom. i am now 36 years old and she passed away when i was 15 just 2 weeks from my 16 th birthday and was buried on mothers day in 1988.  for 2 weeks before she died and even up to 3 months before she died i held her head up while she threw up night after night, while she suffered i stayed in the bedroom with her, then i finally made her ( yes i made her go to the doctor cause she was always afraid of the doctors and never went ) so i basically told her that if she did not go that when i got home from school that i would drag here to the doctor, when i got home that day dad told me they had put her in the hospital. so i went to see here for every day for one week, then on a saturday when we had went to see her the doc said that friday night she had suffered a stroke and was paralized on her left side, he also said that her stomack was eat up with cancer and that it had spread so much that there was nothing they could do about it or for her, so all that next week i stayed by the hospital by her bed, i did not go to school - of course it was like the finale week of school so it did not matter, then the night i went home to get some sleep and take a bath and get a change of clothes the police came to my door about 3 am and took me, my younger brother, and my dad back to the hospital. my mom had had another stroke this time paraluizing her right side and was clinicly brain dead.  The machine was the only thing keeping her alive. then my older brother came in and while i was at the school picking up my report cards ( and the stupid cancerler of the school had done put in the report that me and my brother had quit school , i told her i did not quit and was at the hospital with my mom and her exact words to me were well if she dies she dies but you need to be here in school so i got mad and just left / was already upset.  well while i was at the school getting that my older brother had the doctor pull the plug on mom and she passed away. i never got to say good-bye to her..

now i feel like it is my fault. if i had made her go to the doctor earlierr then they could have found the cancer on here sooner and could have done something to save her, then i think about if i had not have made her go to the doctor then she still would be here with us.  i keep blaming myself for her death. 

i cant seem to get past that..

so i was wondering if anyone has ever felt this way?

[DianeS]

Whitedove,

How does a 16 year old make their parent go to the doctor before they are ready to go?  For that matter, how do any of us make our parents do something they don't want to?  And...how could a 16 year old know that it was something so serious?  And again...how could any of us know that really?  It's normal to feel guilt. We all do, regardless of the situation.  If I'd done this, if I'd done that, I should have known...  It's a difficult thing to deal with, but we all deal with it.  You are not to blame. 

DianeS

[sheela]

stomach cancer well most of the cases i have ever heard of werent treatable i am so sorry 

i lost mine last  year & so i understand your pain & hurt

 

the school people were just real morans i am so sorry about that

[whitedove2]

Yea, this one cancerlor MRS. Smith was a .....  to me.  And she was weird too. used to wear all kinds of different clothes, like light green pants with a light blue shirt and yellow socks, etc..  really weird she was and mean..

i know it is / was not my fault but i cant seem to forgive myself for it. it is if it was my fault cause i did not talk her into going to the doctor sooner and then it is like it was my fault cause i made her go and she died 2 weeks later.. its hard not to blame myself.. i have blamed myself, blamed God a few times, blamed the doctors, etc.. that is why i asked if anyone has felt that way.  like maybe we could have done something to save her you know??

[trinny107]

It is not your fault. You must stop thinking that. My mum died from cancer, but more from a broken heart. I did everything to try and fix her after my dad left, but nothing worked and she gave up and gave in to it. I blamed myself, but time has healed and I email her at thecelestialmailroom which helps me feel she's still close by

[sunkenspirits]

It's difficult to make parents do anything that they don't want to do at any age. But if you are a kid, you can't exactly pick your mother up and drag her to the hospital. Parents are their own people and they make choices based on their own experiences, fear, etc. I'm sure she had her reasons why she didn't want to go to the hospital, but you can't blame yourself for those reasons. All you could do was what you did. I know it's tough not to feel the guilt. I had a similar situation with my mom, and it was hard coming to the realization that it wasn't my fault. I had nightmares for weeks afterwards, thinking if I had just done this or that.

The only way to be pulled from the abyss is not to blame yourself for something you had no control over. I know it's hard to let that go. I've been struggling with it myself. But your mom wouldn't want you to suffer the fate that the what if game can bring. It's a game you can't win, so why play? Easier said than done, but necessary.

[mensadumas]

I can understand your guilt.  Even though things happen for a reason, it is hard to not "what if" the situation. 

My Dad had COPD for several years and was getting worse.  His uncle died and I drove Dad, my niece, and a cousin an hour and a half for the visitation.  The funeral home had a handicapped entrance with a steep ramp.  Dad was using his new walker for the first time to go up the ramp.  He was having difficulty, but I kept my hand on his back, pushing him on.  We were a couple of feet from the top and he said he was getting dizzy and felt that he was going to pass out.  Those were his last words.  I told him we were almost to the door.  We could go in and he could sit to catch his breath.  As the doors closed behind me, he collapsed.  One of his cousins did CPR until the paramedics arrived.  She felt bad for giving him CPR because as a nurse she new he was without oxygen too long.  If she hadn't, my mom and sisters would not have been able to make it to the hospital to say goodbye.  Dad's visitation was exactly one week from his uncle's.  My great-aunt came to offer condolences to my Mom just a week after burying her husband.

Even though we did not want this to happen, there were blessings.  Dad collapsed on February 24 and died February 27, 2008.  Being an hour and a half from home, most of the time my sisters, my mom, and my niece had time for ourselves with Dad.  The one day when his nieces and nephews came to say goodbye was like we were invaded by a stampede of wildebeasts.  I did not have the energy to deal with them. 

Dad was brain dead, but the staff treated him with such respect.  He would not have had quite the same care at our local hospital.  We also chose tissue donation.  Just the bones from his legs helped 100 people.

Do I feel that if I hadn't driven him to the visitation he would still be here?  Yeah.   Maybe I could have let him go back to the car and not try the ramp.  He could still be here.  I do think the experience of his passing would have been much more difficult if it had happened in town.

[dadslilgurl]

I also understand where your comeing from.  When my dad took us to the beach last summer, he had an awful time, he couldn't drive because he kept falling alseep, and just had such a miserable time. I also told him to go to the dr. when we got back.  They found all kinds of things wrong with him and I did feel bad after everything because he had to keep going back to the dr. and it wore him out.

The thing that I don't understand is that he was doing better.  His death was unexpected to all of us. 

But I can realate to you about feeling guilty about wanting your mom to go to the dr.

[ilovemypapa]

Your stories ring so true in my heart.  This is my first day on this web site....I turned to it after my grief counseling just wasn't enough to help me through my father's passing.  He was and always will be my best friend.  We do tend to blame ourselves when someone we are closest to passes away.  I struggle with those feelings too....my dad had been doing so much for us before he became ill and then was gone suddenly.  I will keep Whitedove and each of you in my prayers as we all try to cope with our loved ones not being next to us.  I miss his voice, his hands, his love....well, everything about him really.   I do find comfort in knowing that we will be together again someday....and now I have this website to turn to as well.

[puppyface]

I am constantly haunted with the thought that I could have done something to prevent my father's death. My dad died from a heart condition- this condition gave him a shortness of breath, made him weak physically and prevented the heart from beating normally. But regardless of this he was always doing things for me and my family. Two months before he died he collapsed in our kitchen. When I saw him lying on the floor passed out I thought that was it- it was terrifying. But he came to a few seconds later. Later in the hospital I was crying to him saying that I felt like it was my fault he fell. He was trying to convince me that it wasn't. Regardless of what he said, I tried to do more around the house so he wouldn't have to exert himself. Then 4 days before he died he fell again, but like the previous fall he once again was ok (or so the doctors said, who knows). For the next few days instead of relaxing he was back outside in the garden etc. I kept telling him to stop and just take it easy (I would get mad at him for doing work), but he would just tell me he was fine. I just wish I grabbed him and cried in his arms telling him to stop working so hard but I just had no idea that he would die.

[rlolheiser]

hey puppyface,

Try to stop beating yourself up over this, there is nothing you could have done to prevent your dad's death.  In fact you made it better for him, he felt needed and loved.  I think if he couldn't have done some of the extra in life, he would have probably left you a lot sooner.  I think that staying busy makes a human happy, and the inability to continue is what does us in.  I know when I watched my dad waste away into nothing... when he could no longer keep on the go.. he wasted...  as his life wasted. 

Find peace my friend, be happy for the time you had..  I know you are sad and that is ok, you miss him.. but don't blame yourself,,  but blaming ourselves is only normal, I still do from time to time...  there just isn't blame