I Miss Him So...

[jenmulloy]

Lauraa, Gayle, Jamaga, and everyone.

Brad's whole family is angry with me because they think I'm giving up, that I'm throwing in the flag and running home. So maybe they should evaluate that last part and tell me how supportive that is with my decision making. That's the last thing I want, to live around people who tell me I'm making stupid decisions. I know my family and friends back home would never tell me I was making a mistake, they always tell me to do what I think is best and that whatever I chose, they'll support me. That to me is true family and friends. I'm done feeling guilty for everything. My step-dad is flying out here on the 1st of July and we are driving back early the 2nd so I can be with mom on the 4th and cry on her shoulder for the first time in the 7 years we've been married. I miss him so much and being that my birthday and anniversary are on the 4th, well I'd rather be with them.

[jamaga]

Gayle,

Thanks so much for taking the time to post back to me. I can tell you a couple of things I have experienced after 4 years.

It took a long time before I started remembering the good things Joe and I had together. For the longest time, all I could remember was the look in his eye the day I sat on the edge of his bed and told him he was not getting better, he was dying. I could see in his eyes, he was scared! I could not understand how I had spent 22 years with this man and that was all I could remember? But the good times DO come back. One thing I did that helped me a bunch, was, I made a scrap book of our years together. That was great theropy. I used pictures, keepsakes and I enjoyed that and now I have that to keep on my dresser.

I am sorry to say the \"crying\" thing, that just sneaks up on you whenever. Although it is less often now. But there are still times, I have cried more in these past four years than the rest of my life combined. And tired? Well that is because grieving is not easy. It is HARD work! It takes a lot out of a person. Sometimes I get so tired of grieving, sometimes I just want to be \"normal\" again. But THIS IS normal now. Give yourself time to sleep, time to cry, time to grieve. My counsler told be to block the time off, just like anything else you need to do. I do, I still do. I have to have my grieving time. And my sleep. Plus you are doing more now. You have to handle everything! You no longer have your partner that handled some of it. You have to do it all. Of course you are tired!

Life is not for light weights. That is for sure. Everyone tells me, "Oh, you are so strong, I just could not do it." Excuse me? I did not see where I had a choice! Nobody asked me before they jerked my life right out for under my feet. They don't know that I am not strong. I am a big pile of scared to death, clinging to the side of life by the nubs of my fingernails. But my God takes care of me and for that I am grateful and for that reason I know my duty on this earth is not done yet.

Thanks for listening.

[pandorra]

Don't listen to them Jen. You are doing whats right for YOU. They want you to do what is right for THEM. And its about YOU right now. And if they were really supportive, they also would want what is right for YOU.

At the end of this month it will be six months for me. I can't believe it. six months?? I didn't think I would live through the first month. I really didn't. I can't remember any part of the past six months. The empty days and nights just kind of blurred into one. I still have a lot of anger. I can't look at any of his pictures.

And I definitely know the feeling of feeling like nothing is safe anymore. even if I WERE to find another man, well I don't even want to take the chance!! what if he were to die on me again?? I dread the summer. No trips. No BBQs. No lazy days or warm nights with a bottle of wine.

I know I should call my friends. They have all offered to take me out. But I just like being alone now. *shrug*

[computermemaw2]

Now you listen here Jen, you tell those folks to just KISS OFF!!!!! One thing you need to get straight in your head right now is this--when you make a decision, don't second guess yourself or look back. We already know how all of the what-if's and if I'd only done this stuff does to us--makes us nervous wrecks, always wanting and trying to change something we can't. This decision you have control over right now--you be strong--don't waiver--and don't you dare forget about us here. We're all going to want to be hearing how you're doing, and you know each and everyone of us is cheering you on! We love you. Gayle

[sillygirl]

Jen...You Go Girl!!! Its kinda like everyone has said before me, you just do what you think is right and dont worry about what others think. I can tell you from first hand experience that it doesnt pay to second guess yourself or think that you are doing wrong! I also have a family (my husbands) that thinks that I am totally wrong for moving next summer when my oldest daughter graduates. I, like you, am going home with my mom and dad and MY FAMILY! I quit listening to the family here along time ago so...You just keep on with your plans and to heck with the rest of them. I am proud of you! Wish people here where I live would tell me that but... Take care and Gods blessings. Sue

[lauraa]

Jen....You are going the right thing. If his family cared they would not be treating you this way....The universe is calling you "HOME". GO! No guilt allowed....You need help and support and they are waiting with open arms for you. You don't have that where you are now. We will all be here cheering you on...You are rounding second base heading for third...keep going and score the winning run! You know it feels right...but no second guessing...for who? Not them. For you and your precious one.

To Everyone else...I know the pain you all speak of. I always knew I had the best in my husband and what we had most people never find in a life time. I am so lost and sad without him. It has been 13 months and I never thought I could go more than a week without him. I wake up tired and go to bed exhausted. It is such hard work. I spend most of my time trying to make life easier for my kids and to keep my sanity. I think of you all and prayer for strength for all of us...gtg.

[jenmulloy]

Thank you all of you for your support. These next few weeks are going to be tough, but getting through them will be nice. Brady is 2 today. I keep thinking about Brad when we were at the hospital, holding him, smiling so big. I hate thinking of him growing up without his Daddy. I keep wishing someone will call and tell me this was all some cruel joke or that I'll wake up from this nightmare. I talked to Rachel today and everytime I talk about Brad I cry, I know I need to talk about him, but I can never get a word out, I just cry. Then I feel bad because I know whoever I talk to has a hard time trying to comfort me. It's funny how some people just don't know how to react to emotions.

[jamaga]

Jen,

I am the newbee on this block, but I just had to stop and write a note. You go girl!!! Go where you have the support network that YOU NEED to survive. You must survive for your son. Things WILL get better, you wait and see. Go home and heal! God bless you and your son. And KNOW that Brad is still watching out for you both!!!

Have a safe trip!

[kevinslittleangel]

I dont know exactly where to start......so i'm just gonna babble, byt its hard to type through the tears.....and i really dont understand why i'm tailspinning rightnow.....on april 29th, 2005 i lost Kevin, the love of my life, he was only 27, i lost him the day after my 27th birthday....we had been together for about three and a half years, this summer would mark three years of living together...i've never been away from him for more then 3 weeks until now. And now, all of the sudden after two "good weeks" i began my tailspin, and i cant stop crying....isnt it supposed to hurt less over time?

I'm starting to run that day through my head over and over again, but i see it like a movie.....waking up at 4:30am and realizing he wasnt home yet.....calling his phone, getting the call back from the Doctor at the hospital....calling dave and jess (his brother and sister in law), and speeding to the hospital.....parking the car and wondering why david and jessica hadnt called yet.....i remember walking up the doors to the hospital and calling them again....i remember David answering the phone and wanting o scream "WHY THE F@%K HAVENT YOU LEFT YET KEVIN IS SICK"....but when he answered the phone i knew, He asked me where i was, i said i was outside the hospital, he asked if i was still driving, and i said "no".....then he said "Alyssa"....i think i asked him why he hadnt left yet....and i dont remember if he actually said it or not....but i knew from the way he was talking to me anyway.....i remember saying "your kidding right?" and then just screaming "no" over and over again at the top of my lungs in front of the hosiptal.......i think our roommate rob took the phone after that, i'm really not sure....i just remember laying on the concrete outside the hospital enterance and crying and then insisting we go inside cause i was sure it was a mistake and i needed to see him....i STILL need to see him....i remember praying that someone stole his cell phone and that it wasnt him.....we got inside and the hospital was EMPTY.....no one at the information booth....we bumped into a nurse who pointed us towards the ER.....all i remember of that part is getting to the ER and saying his name who i was , telling the nurse that i needed to see him and crying....i waited 4 hours before i was able to see him....and give a "positive ID" on who he was.....what the hell is so positive about seeing the love of your life dead?!?!?!?!?!?!? they need to think of a better way to phrase doing that

i wanted to hold him and kiss him and wake him up....but he had a god damned tube in his mouth so i COULDNT give him a kiss goodbye, and he was so cold...i remember kissing his forehead and asking him to wake up.....i wanted to climb on that steel table and get into my nook and have him hold me, i wanted to hug him but i didnt want the nurse and the cop to take me away cause i was acting "crazy" so i just stroked his hair and kissed his forehead and cried, but it didnt matter that i didnt act "crazy" in front of them cause i had to leave the room after what seemed like less then a minute.....the walk there took forever, why didnt they let me spend more time with him after all i waited hours and walked forever down long empty hallways to get to the morgue...i regret not insisting they let me stay with him a little longer.....

since then his family has changed the locks n our apartment (we sublet from his mother) so now i cant even go there and sleep in our bed......this all hurts so much and i dont understand how i'm supposed to get through this....we had so many things we were planning to do together.....and i hate facing day after day without him.......anyone have any words on how to get through this....cause i feeel like i'm falling apart at the seams.....

....i apologise for babbling so much buti dont know what to say here....and as all of you likely undertand, i'm not thinking so clearly....

i miss him so much, and i cant believe he's never coming home again

~Alyssa

[lauraa]

Alyssa,

I am so sorry. I'm sure it was a nightmare and I don't agree to the they handled you waiting to see him in the hospital and then not giving you the time you needed. I know all the feelings you are talking about. I lost my husband 13 months ago. In the beginning I got thru everything o.k. but I had tons of people around me to help and then poof....they were gone...immediately! I was numb and I cried alot...constantly! Especially, the first time I opened the front door and entered the house and realized I really would never see him again. It's devastating! Life altering! It is horrible! The process of grieving is totally unpredictable as we have all found out here. I never knew from day to day how I would do but I did cry everyday for the first year and alot. I was angry and still am of all the circumstances of what happened and at people for leaving me when I needed them the most. I think people don't or can't look at painful situations especially when it involves someone "passing on". One thing you will always see me write is that he "passed on" because I don't believe our loved ones die....When he passed I was overwhelmed and I needed to know he was o.k. and that he did not just die and that was it. I was obsessed and grief strickened. I did alot of reading about the afterlife...books, web sites, people, church, etc....it has saved me. And now I really do feel secure in the fact that he is with me and does live on. The next adjustment to that was the frustration that I knew this but couldn't be with him and so there is an adjustment period I had to go thru. You will find you don't want to go anywhere or be with people. I know that is what I did for comfort. I was alone alot and still am for the most part but I have found things to bring me comfort in my own way and time. I never wanted to put myself in a position where people made me feel uncomfortable and say dumb things...I found out that people are just really lost for words and don't know what to say or do after something like this happens. I couldn't listen to music or watch t.v. and it was very difficult to go to my kids sporting events alone...extremely! I have dedicated this year to making our children a priority in getting them thru the first year and that was a success but not easy and along the way I tried to do little things for myself. A walk (forced myself), a bath, reading stuff on the afterlife, had a reaading with a medium (who totally helped me realize that my love is still with me and he lives on and is healthy and happy). That is what has driven me to stay focused and get on with each day. Not to say it was easy and it doesn't take away the grieving but it helped in the process. I still go thru many different stages, anxiety and even panic (where I wake up from a deep sleep) and wonder how am I going to do this, go on without him, get my kids raised alone, ever be happy again. I lost my zest for life and I have always said, "we grieve as deep as we loved".....It takes time Alyssa and we are all here to help each other and it is o.k. to say how you truely are feeling...we will all understand. We will all help each other stay sane. And don't do anything for anyone else but for you because you have to get thru this your way and in your own time. I am so sorry for your pain...we all know here. Keep writing and I will keep you in my prayers.

[computermemaw2]

Alyssa, I am so sorry for your pain. Reading your post, especially about going to the ER and finally getting to see your loved one brought back so many of similar memories for me. I, too, could only stroke my husband's forehead because of the tube. He looked like he was asleep, but he was cold when I touched him. I didn't want to leave the room. Like you, it seemed like I was only there a moment, then I was being lead away. I vaguely remember walking out of the room, all the while screaming inside my head "it's got to be a mistake, it can't be Eddy, he's in there all alone." I desperately wanted to ask someone to stay with him, but remember my feet just taking me out to my girlfriend's car (I'd called to tell her I was having to take Eddy to the hospital in an ambulance and she met me there). You asked if it gets any better---it doesn't. And I understand your feelings of coming apart at the seams! And--how horrible for you that you can't go back to the apartment the two of you shared. Please know that you are not alone in this. I know it feels like you are--but we're here for you. It helps to just be able to go to a place that "you can just spill your guts". The road's going to be a long and difficult one--a testament to the deep love you felt for someone. Gayle

[lisainnc]

Dear Alyssa,

While each of our situations are different, the love that we still feel for those that we have lost is the same. Whether we are life partners who are married or not does not make a difference in the feelings that we have. I chose to move after my husband died, mainly because it was his house and I couldn't bear being there alone at night without him. That was something that I did on my terms, though. You have, unfortunately, hit the point where the shock, I think, begins to wear off and the reality begins to set in. Cry when you need to, it helps more than you know. My husband was a fireman and I still cry sometimes when I hear the truck sirens, thinking of the times that he left on for a house fire in the middle of the night. While he did not pass away "on shift", that was who he was, a fireman heart and soul. Be selfish sometimes, do what you need to do for yourself, and whether you are or not in the home that you shared, know that will not change your heart, he will always be with you no matter where you go. Life will not be easy for you, if I told you it will be I would not be telling you the truth. Just take one day at a time--I still do and it's been a little over a year for me. I will keep you, as I do everyone who posts to this site, in my prayers. Most of all, remember the attributes about yourself that your mate loved the most about you, and rely on those when times get most difficult. Give the rest to God. We may not know the reasons now for our losses, but someday we will be enlightened in God's greater plan and why he had a need of the person we loved so very much at a time when we were in no way ready to give them away. Until that time, he will carry us through.

[iocasti]

Dear Alyssa

i lost my love 3,5 mounths ago...on February the 21st...and i have to raise his 2 boys...the old one is 5,5 years old and my second one is 2,5 years old.The pain will go away....i believe that the hardest time have passed....i am getting through this period with the support of our friends...keeping my mind busy in stupid discussions...and sometimes in discusions about Antonis (my love)...and what helped me most till now is keeping my mind stricked (sorry for my english i am from Greece)in thoughts of my new reality and my new future...i mean talking to him as a soul...act as my religions says in order to help him being as better as can be in the dimention that he is...as far as i understand and i believe. Each one of us is different, but my suggestion is...cry as much as you want but always keep in mind that nothing changes so try to be stronger each and every day...dont play games with your mind like that it is a nightmare and that you will wake up...and also i am trying very hard of course...not to thing of how would my life be is he was with me...and what we would do if we were together and i also try not to thing memories of our common past...couse it pains so so so so much i can not stand it ....i prefer to talk to his like he is present all the time in a spiritual situation and tell him all the time that i love him and that i want him to be happy and that someday we will be together forever as we always said since i am with Antonis my love since i was 16 years old. Our love is not lost...smile to him Alyssa and i am sure that he smiles to you to too...be strong...he is with you Alyssa...you are not alone..))

[kevinslittleangel]

Thank all of you so much for what you wrote.....it helps so much when you feel like you're not alone.....

though i've been tailspinning the last week or so....its so weird....but i think its just because the "shock" has finally worn off....i'm desperate to get in touch with his family....but the only one whois still speaking to me right now is his sister in law jessica....then again i dont know if they're mad at me for something or just grieving....but i really need to get in touch with them, i want to go back to our apartment and clear out my stuff, and some of his, so i can close that door behind me cause the thought of going there is so freaking scary now.

and its weird, cause the friends really are starting to drop off....they were all there RIGHT after it happened, when i was in shock and doing ok, but now that i need them, they're not there as much....And god, reading that about your experience at the morgue....he DID just look like he was sleeping....ok my head is spinning cause i'm trying to remember each response and i cant keep the thoughts straight.....i'm gonna lie down and try to write more later....

i want to send a heartfelt thank you and hug to all of you....i'm so lucky to have found a place where i dont feel so alone

[casper19]

Jamaga, I read your post and almost started crying for you. Then I almost started crying for myself! If you asked me to tell you how I've managed to get through each day this past year and a half I wouldn't know what to tell you except that I just take each day at a time. If you asked me to tell you what all I've done this past year and a half, I'd probably look at you blankly because, quite honestly, I couldn't tell you. I'm still operating on automatic. The only thing I can definitely tell you that stands out in my mind is the day my husband died. It's like I have this video recorder in my brain that can play back that entire day's events, yet I can't tell you honestly how I've managed to get through the days afterwards to today. There have even been moments that I couldn't even tell you how I managed to drive home from work. Reading that it's been 4 years for you about broke my heart. And I completely understand your saying that nothings forever any more and what you have today can be gone in an instant. I get so mad at folks at work who I hear talk badly about their spouse. I know that it's only because for that moment they're upset with him or her, and occasionally I've even said - before I realized I was even going to say something - I wish I had that to complain about for my husband, but I can't--he's dead. Do you know I even miss his snoring? God, the number of times the kids would be over and say "Mom, you need to go wake dad up because we can't get any sleep he snores so loud!" I used to tell him I was going to tape him one night so he could hear how loud he actually snored, but I never did. Now I'm sorry I didn't. Do you still cry? Please tell me you don't. I've cried every day for a year and a half. Not for as long a time as in the beginning, but sometimes I don't even know I'm going to start crying or are crying until I feel the tears going down my face. You'd think tears would dry up after awhile. But it's still so fresh and I am so lonely for my husband. He's still the first thing I think about when I wake up (when I actually sleep), and the last at night when I lay down. I am so tired all the time. Work I get through okay, but it seems as soon as I get home, if I prop myself on a pillow on the couch I'm out. I have to make myself do things around the house, yet I still feel so very disorganized. Are you that way? I read somewhere, probably elsewhere on this site, I'm not sure, that life goes on for us--that we're not in a better place, just a different place. I'd give anything to turn back time, as I'm sure the rest of us would to. Is it still a constant battle for you to get through the days? It seems I have a continual fight within myself to get out of this hole I get into sometimes. I'm trying very hard to look forward to a future, but it's difficult when you feel there isn't a future. Thanks for listening. Guess I just needed to let loose some today. Sorry for being such a downer today. Gayle

[jenmulloy]

So I can't help it, but I'm really upset because I'm letting his kid get to me. I know she's in her teen years and all, but I can't help it, I get so angry. I've had that little girl for eight years. My paychecks supported her, I went to her parent teacher conferences, I volunteered at school functions, packed her lunches, tucked her in, told her I loved her and she refused to call me mom, which I never forced the issue one way or the other, I told her to call me whatever she felt comfortable with. She actually called me mom for about 6 months at one point, then saw her mom on a rare occasion and her mom told her she never wanted to hear that out of her mouth. Well, she's been hanging around with a "friend" of her dad and me and now is calling her mom, telling her she wished she was her mom and that her and my dad should have been together. I can't stand it. Why was I not good enough for her, why doesn't she acknowledge anything I've done for her, I just don't understand. I'm so hurt. She always tells me I've never done anything for her, that she hates me and I never cared about her. Maybe one day she'll remember and appreciate, right now I'm just hurt and kind of offended.

[lauraa]

Jem,

I think there is alot going on here with this little girl. First off I think she really does love you and I don't know the story of her biological mother but I think she is probally really pissed off at her and the circumstances surrounding that...you just happened to come along to get the brunt of her anger...not to mention she is a teenager and that is what they do. They think they know it all, huh! I think she is really going to miss you and I know you are a good person and always did things to make her life better because you loved her dad. You will miss her to and you are probally feeling some guilt for leaving. How am I doing so far? Still, I think you are doing the right thing and who knows your relationship with her could really improve via the internet, telephone and having her come and visit your and Brady. Try and look at all the positives here and don't beat yourself up...you have been thru way to much to do that. Brad would want you to be happy and take care of that little boy. You know in your heart your doing the right thing. Breathe! And know all of us here are still behind you and are rooting for you to go on and be happy!

[jlizzy]

Hi Laura and everyone,

I have been trying to keep as busy as I can, although I cant

even remember what I've been doing lately. I go to my sons

store and watch it on Fridays and when he watches it on

Saturdays and Sundays I spend a lot of time with him. I have

been going to Jersey to spend time with my son and his family

there. Just trying to avoid this month.

I have read all everyone has said about the 1 year anniversary

and I promised myself that I wouldnt be glum; but I am

reliving last year and I am crying so much and so hard. I

held up the past 11 months and I thought I was finally going t

to start feeling better; but that was a joke.

Last year on June 20th, Bob (my husband) saw the tunnel and

my mind turned off my feelings--it wouldnt let me face the

fact that he was going to leave me. I am reliving every day

that led up to his passing and it hurts so much that I cant

stand it.

I went to a psychic last month; Bob came through with his

dog (that was how we met, he was walking his dog) so I know

it was him. He told me that I have to let him go, I am

suffacating him. He told me to tear a cigarette and put

the tobacco on the table and he would move it around that

night (and he did); he told me that he wouldnt stumble

over the furniture that I moved around the room (and I

did move the furniture around since he passed)and he told

me that he loves me and he is waiting by the water for me

only because he knows that I love the water (I have always

gone to sit by water to think out my problems and I have

always walked away feeling better) I cant seem to do that

anymore. He told me that I am killing myself, that I have

to find a way to stop stressing out and take each day as

it comes until my time comes to join him by the water.

I thought that the psychic would make me feel better and

I did feel better for awhile; but now I am in the week

before the 1 year anniversary and I am a total wreak.

I am thinking of all the things I should have said and

done that I didnt. I look back and see how cold I must

have seemed to Bob and that was the last thing I wanted

to be. I wanted to show him just how much I love him and

I dont believe that I showed it to him. I know that I didnt.

I need to know that he understood what happened to me.

I know that he knew me well enough to know that I wouldnt

be able to handle it if he passed first; so I am hoping that

he was able to understand why my mind blocked me from

the reality. I gave him everything I could, all the love

I had until he saw the tunnel and I was told that was what

he was seeing; then I became a stone. Now I have to relive

this and I cant stand it. This hurts so much. I ask God

every night now, WHY? I hadnt questioned Bobs passing in

the past 11 months because of my strong beliefs. I still

cant walk into church. Nobody understands and will listen

to me. My ex husbands wife remarried 6 months after he

died; is there something wrong with me that I cant go on????

I do the motions every day but my feelings are gone. I am

only half a person.

I cant see through the tears; but I appreciate your listening

to me. Your are the only people who understand what I am

going through.

God Bless You All

Joyce

[lauraa]

Joyce,

There you are! I am sorry you are struggling so...I feel the same way sometimes about whether my husband knew how very much I loved him...The truth is he always knew how much I/we loved each other. When he was sick it was so stressful and there were times when my husband said things out of stress that I know he didn't mean and vice/versa. Truthfully we never ever even talked about him ever dying because we fought till the very end and his last breathe. It was just to painful to think about or discuss. Once he told me if anything ever happened to him he wanted me to remarry...I just walked away and said nothing is going to happen to you. I never wanted him to ever think I was discouraged nor did I want him to get discouraged. When we did run out of time he waited for me until I got out of the shower and said "goodbye" and then closed his eyes. I have gone over and replayed so many things in my mind but no matter what "WE" both knew how deeply we loved each other. And, I know you and your husband felt the same way. It's part of our grieving for them. I honestly cried everyday for the first year. I never thought the tears would stop. Something has happened to me since the one year anniversary and all I can say is I feel like I'm numb. I kept telling myself I had to accept the fact that I will "never" see him here on this earth again. I have to accept that but I also accepted the fact the our relationship is still present only it is spiritual. I feel him with me...I know he is. I talk to him all the time like he is. I close my eyes and he is there. I have readings with mediums and he is always with me. They all say I have strong energy and my husband is always with me and his love is deep for me and the kids. They didn't know my circumstances. I miss him more than words could possibly say. I just try to make sleep a priority and get thru the night without waking up (that rarely happens) but I still try. I have anxiety and I guess you could say because of what has happened to us I feel the rug is always going to be pulled out from us. So, I try to take it one day at a time and not put to much on my plate and I make my kids a priority. The one year anniversay wasn't any different for me than any other day...they are all the same without him. There is a hole in my heart and there always will be but I will not take for granted that I will live a long life because I thought we both would live that long life together and that never happed. I only have today! And that is all any of us have. I ask god to help me get thru this time so I don't go nuts. Today I worked my fingers to the bone in my yard...I swear my neighbors thought I was on speed....I think subconsciously I did that so I didn't have to think about the day. But, I did cry off and on while working. I know my kids miss him terribly and all I can do is be there. Keep writing to us Joyce and we will all be able to lift each other up and not feel so alone. I went thru a stage where I didn't feel like writing cause I was angry and felt I wouldn't be a support to others. Everything ebbs and flows. I just don't know what each day will truthfully bring until I'm there. I am proud of you for making it thru this first year. I know it is one which you never thought you could. But, you did. My husband also came thru and said he wanted me to start doing things for myself...I don't think they want to see us sad, lonely, depressed, etc...easier said than done...I know....Keep writing I missed talking with you.

[jlizzy]

Hi Laura,

Thank you. I guess that I just needed some support for the

next week. I just cant top crying. But on the 27th of this

month, we are all going to go to a place in NJ called

Wild West City. It's a cowboy town (dirt road, bank and

stage coach get robbed and all). I was planning on just

taking my grandchildren by myself and two weeks ago, I had

a dream that we all were together there. My husbands way of

telling me that our sons need to do this too. My husband

had planned on taking the grandkids but then he got sick

and couldnt.

I have explained to the grandkids that June 27th is now

their poppops new birthday and we have to celebrate his

birth in Gods house.

I am so glad that you came on tonight because I really

needed someone to talk to. Nobody around me understands

how I feel. They dont understand why I am not okay.

Thank you again

God Bless you

Joyce

[lauraa]

Joyce,

Many people have said to me ...that the worst thing that could possibly happen to me already has. And you know what, they are right. The only other thing besides loosing my husband would be loosing one of my kids. I guess if I have managed to get thru this first year without him that was the hardest part...and you did it too. I don't know about you but I didn't think I could go longer than one week without him. I still have days of anxiety...like today, this afternoon it has started to creep. I got thru fathers day and truthfully I think it was a defense mechanism because I don't think any of us really paid any attention to it at all. I didn't even know it was yesterday until a couple days before and so then I worked my fingers to the bone in my yard for 2 solid days and today I am exhausted. It is a rollercoaster ride...no matter how you look at it. I have always hated rollercoasters. I just can't stop seeing his gorgeous blue eyes. They will always be with me...forever! He was my other half. I get thru each and everyday one at a time and don't know what the next will bring. I miss him more with each passing day. It is hell on earth and I'll never understand why these things happen especially to people who value life and family so much. We worked so hard and had such a bond and so I am left just like you and everyone else here wondering why? What did I/we do to deserve this? What do I have to learn from this? Have I not suffered enough in this life to deserve eternal life? These are only a few questions I ponder and struggle to answer. Life really isn't the same and while my husband came thru to me with the help of a medium and he said I needed to start doing more things for myself I find it extremely difficult to do and lonely. My world seems very small now. That is o.k. for now which is what has helped get me thru this first year. I realized early on that most everybody would disappear and they did so I knew I would be pretty much on my own....so therefore, I did it my way and in my own way...selfishly! But that is a good thing. I hope you keep writing and I really do have you in my prayers. I have thought about you often but figured it was painful to write at the time...Believe me, I understand!

[jlizzy]

Laura,

Yes, I know what you mean. My world is very small now and I hate going

places alone. so I dont do much. I really miss Bob, he was my world and

he is gone. I do have our sons and grandchildren, but that isnt the same

you know what I mean.

Through the medium, Bob told me that I had to let him go but I cant and

I doubt if I ever will. I am missing half of my heart and soul.

I just want to see his blue, piercing eyes again; to hold him; to hear

him say he loves me. I know he's with me but I need to see him.

I never thought that I would live more than a day without him, but here

I am; guess I am stronger than I thought and you too. I still have

aniety attacks and they dont have to be triggered by anything special.

It must be something subconcious that triggers them. But I have pills

and my gaterade to get me through.

I have separated a lot of the pictures and am going to start making

up albums for each of our grandchildren so they will know their

geneological background.

My husband left us each a cassette tape and I am making one for each

of our sons and grandchildren. My tape helped me and I still pull it

out every so often just to hear his voice because it soothes me.

especially the part where he says he will be waiting for me and be

there when my time comes.

But in a week or so, I am going to find a local psychic and I know

someone who goes for caonses and I am going to get that info.

If I am going to make it through this I am going to need all the

help I can get. You have helped me a lot.

I didnt write for awhile because it was just too hard. I had enough

getting through the day that I didnt have the strengh to sit at the

computer.So I stayed off for sometime.

Now, I have come back to share with everyone. The support here is

greater than any other support out there.

You are in my prayers also. together we are all strong.

God Bless

Joyce

[lauraa]

Joyce,

We sound so much alike with similiar feelings and circumstances. I understand you being away from the computer. Just like everything else it takes energy and that is something we are low on. Just take one day at a time. I really don't know what each new day will bring. Last night I was awake alot with anxiety and panic. I just can't get use to not having him with me. My 13 year old daughter sleeps with me every night...that is her security since she lost her dad. She still can't talk about her loss. It's o.k....she can sleep with me as long as she needs to...I guess it's my security too. Try and stay in the moment and enjoy the decent weather. I just tell myself that today is all I really have. It helps! I'll be thinking of you and know you are in my prayers. Remember, our loved ones wouldn't want us to be unhappy or sad...that helps, too!

[jlizzy]

-Laura,

Last night must have just been the night. I was up and down all night too,

I just couldnt sleep. When I laid down to go to bed, I said my prayers

and then I talked to Bob. As I was talking to him, I could feel his face

against mine and I felt better for the rest of our talk; but afterwards,

I seemed to go over all the good times we had together and I kept waking

up.

Today, I was sitting in my chair and I couldnt stop thinking about the

last vacation we had together. It was about 4 years ago. We spend

July 4th camping with our two sons and their families and two of our

dear friends. After, we went to Punxy Pa, to see where the groundhog is;

celebrated July 4th there and then went on to Ohio to see the Rock N Roll

hall of fame and from there we went to Maine for lobster. We had such

a great time camping out together.

This is the first time that I have been able to look back at anything we

did together and be happy for that time together and not cry about it.

I miss Bob so much that it actually hurts, no what I mean?

I am trying to take one day at a time and enjoying that day, but without

Bob it is so very hard.

I dont even know how I survived almost a year without him; if I had to

tell anyone what I have been doing in the last year, I couldnt.

But I am holding my faith, even though I still cant go into a church.

Everything in my own time and that is how I am looking at it for now.

I think that if I didnt look at it that way, the anxiety attacks would

be much worse on me.

About 9 years ago, my husband won me a monkey puppet and since he did,

it has been close to me. Since he passed, it has been on his pillow on

his side of the bed. When I cant sleep, I hold onto this monkey very

tight and it seems to help most of the time. If it doesnt help, then

I pull out his sweatshirt and I can sleep with his scent.

I am doing whatever I have to do to get through this horrible grieving

process and I know you are too.

God Bless You, I will keep you in my prayers as well as everyone else

on this site.

Joyce

[chinadoll]

JACK WAS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. WE WERE CHILDHOOD SWEETHEARTS..I WAS 12 HE WAS 14. IT ALL SEEMS SO LONG AGO, AND YET AT TIMES IT'S LIKE YESTERDAY. HE DIED 14 YEARS AGO FROM BRAIN CANCER AND IF LIFE GOES ON I'M NOT AWARE OF IT. IF I CLOSE MY EYES I CAN SEE HIM SO CLEAR. I CAN SMELL HIM AND FEEL HIS HANDS...HE HAD SUCH WONDERFUL HANDS. THERE ARE TIMES I REALLY THINK HE'S HERE WITH ME. I TALK TO HIM, ASK HIS ADVISE AND TELL HIM WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE KIDS. WE HAD TWO, A SON AND A DAUGHTER. I ONCE TOLD HER THE THING I MISSED THE MOST WAS THE FACT THAT I HAD NO ONE TO TALK TO. SHE WANTED TO KNOW WHY I COULDN'T TALK TO HER. SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND...SHE'S MY DAUGHTER, MY CHILD. NOT MY PEER, MY HUSBAND,MY BEST FRIEND, MY MATE. SHE REALLY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND. BECAUSE IT'S BEEN SO MANY YEARS EVERYONE THINKS I'M JUST GREAT. LITTLE DO THEY KNOW. I'VE GOTTEN VERY GOOD AT PLAYING THE GAME. AFTER A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF TIME NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT IT OR THEY FEEL LIFE HAS GONE ON AND I'M OK. THE TRUTH IS I HAVE JUST GOTTEN BETTER AT MAKING EVERYONE AROUND ME FEEL GOOD AND HAPPY. I KNOW THERE ARE SEVEN STAGES OF GRIEF...I'M STUCK IN ONE, AND HAVE NEVER MOVED ON. IS THAT NORMAL? I DON'T SLEEP AT NIGHT. I DON'T SLEEP DURING THE DAY. LIFE HAS BECOME A NIGHTMARE. I'VE DATED A FEW TIMES. HATED IT. WHAT'S THE ANSWER?

[iocasti]

For me its only 4 mounths that my love Antonis and me are seperated but i realy realy believe that i will be in the same situation as you are describing. Everybody arround you just want you to get better so that they can live their lifes without carrying you and your pain. Everybody expects from us to go on so that they can feel better. Our kids will never understand the pain that we carry..we probably have to go on pretending that we are going through and that we are getting better...and the answer?! Unless science will find a way to take our memories of our past life away....the pain....the tears...the unfair....all our questions about why...the lonelyness...will be our life...things that we must also hide from others....couse noone wants darkness in his life....hoping that somehow all this pain is counting and has a reason...!!!!Realy love you all .....

[cvaughan598]

Know you guys haven't heard from me in a while... I'm here. School ended and I'm trying to enjoy my summer the best I can. Leave on Friday for my first vacation with my daughter and first without Rikki in a 9 years. It sucks, but I am making the best out of it. What else are you gonna do? NOT GO? I know Rikki has been with me, especially on Father's Day. My sound machine that plays rain noise to help me sleep started acting up. It only happens when I'm really struggling or when an important holiday to Rikki comes up. I just talk to her and tell her I love her. And it never fails, I sleep the best after that. My car started clicking and my lights flashing for no apparent reason when I was talking to a friend about getting a tattoo with her and Madison's initials in it. I had a witness for that one!

To all those that are new, and all those that aren't... your loved one is still with you. And always will be. They are watching over you, protecting you. I've made new friends over the last year that I wouldn't have talked to and they wouldn't have talked to me. The only thing I can figure is Rikki saw that and fixed it too. Life is a journey, I wish I had her physical form with me, but at least I know she is still here!

My thoughts and prayers are with you all!

Chris

[lauraa]

Hello Everyone,

Just reading everyones post tells me that my feelings are so normal and I am not alone. I am sorry you all have to go thru this hell that I know all to well. Chris, It does suck! I keep busy but when I am alone I cry and I do think people on the outside think she is all better...they don't want to see darkness. It is all to painful for all to relate to. So it's a maskarade! It's lonely! I don't think I will ever shake this loss as it is so deep. I don't think our kids truely know our loss. We lost our soulmates, companions, confidantes, best friends...This is the first thing in my life that I haven't been able to fix or accept that I couldn't fix. The worst thing has happened...nothing will ever be worse than this. Only to loose my kids too. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I don't have the answers but I can offer my support. There are peaks and valleys....our love ones would all want us to climb out of the valley. We will help each other....It's a process.

[jenmulloy]

It's official, I am gone the 2nd of July!!!!! You would not believe how bad it has been around here. Sunday I took my niece, her two kids, my step daughter and Brady to Six Flags. We got there at about 1 or so and at about 8 I told them we needed to go. Brady hadn't had a nap, my niece was using my stroller for her baby, so he was walking and we had to walk about half a mile or so back to our car. Regi wasn't ready because she only got to ride on a few rides since we were at the water park most of the day and I told her oh well, it was time to go now. Well, they decided not to follow me because they were going to be stubborn and do what they wanted. I waited in my car for 2 1/2 hours with a 2 year old, only to find out they called my mother in law and sister in law and told them I abandoned them. That they had come looking for my car and I moved it and left them. Hello!!!!! Oh, I was so mad I couldn't sleep because my mother in law and sister and law were so nasty to me, then I went to work mad and got yelled at because of something another teacher at the center did, then told my boss off, which he needed anyhow but that's beside the point, and quit my job a week early. Which led to three more shirts....

----Whatever you moron

----Make the stupid people shut up

----It's scary how dumb you are

I think that about sums my sarcasm up for the week.

Chris, I was thinking about you the other night when I was reading posts. I was hoping all was going okay for you and Madison. I'm leaving to go back with Mom. My stepdad is flying out here to drive the other car back, whick everyone in his family is fighting over. But, the title is in my name and is legally mine so they can all bite me and get over it. I'm going to stay with a high school friend who kind of just lost her husband, she got divorced. She has been about the only saving grace besides everyone here so I'm thankful for that. She has two boys and I think they'll be good for Brady. Actually Im praying that everything works out and I don't completely lose my mind to be totally honest!!! I've never had to do anything alone, so this is a humongous step for me and I just pray that I land on both feed with my head above water.

[elena82]

Hi, I've posted my story on 'suddent or violent death of partner'. A lot of your words made me cry, because it's exactly what I'm feeling. I can talk about my feelings with my friends or family, but I feel they can't understand how much pain I have. It really reassures me that I'm not the only one suffering that way. First I will tell why I'm here:

I'm 23. I lost my boyfriend, he was 23, on Sunday May 29, 10.00 pm. This was the last day of a wonderful weekend. It started on Friday, he took me for dinner to celebrate my birthday. It was fantastic... It was the first time that I went to an 'expensive' restaurant. I kept telling him that this was the best meal of my life and he was so happy to hear that. We went home and fell asleep.

The next day I had to work for a project for school, so I left quite early. I went to my project (we organized a Health Congress), he called me and asked where this congress was, he wanted to see how I was doing. He stayed the whole day, helping everybody... I was so proud of him.

On Sunday morning he had to leave for work. I knew that, but when I woke up that morning, I felt so upset. I didn't want him to leave. I didn't know why I felt so stressed. When he left, I started to go mad, smashing my mobile on the wall, the remote... I don't know what happened. This was the first time that I was so angry... for nothing I thought. I was feeling light in my head.

He finally came home and freaked when he saw the damages I caused, but I couldn't explain why. I was just happy that he was back. He took me again for dinner, so I would calm down. I was feeling better. After dinner I was so tired, I had no energy left due to all the emotions I felt that day. It was almost 10.00 pm. He had had to bring something to a friend and would be back in 15 min. I just remember that he said: 'it won't be long'. I just answered 'OK'. And must felt asleep immediately.

At 3.00 am, someone banged on the window... It was the police. I opened the door and look at the clock. Even then, I didn't expected to hear what they was going to announce me. Steven had a car accident, a Kilometer away. He lost control of his car and crashed into two trees. He didn't have his seat belt on and was ejected of his car and felt head first.

The first week after his death, I couldn't remember anything of that Sunday. I was stuck on the Friday and Saturday. I just remembered that I was unwell that day...Now, I know that I was like that because, unconsciously, I felt that something bad was going to happen...

I love him so much, this year we would be 3 years together. I've just finished school and would have moved in in September. We already talked about marriage, kids,... We had so much plans for the future...

Four weeks later... and just now I'm starting to realize that he's really gone... For ever. I will never find someone like him... We were perfect for each other... Even if I get the support of all my friends, I feel alone. I've lost my bestfriend, my lover, my soulmate...

I'm left with so much questions... Sometimes I even doubt his feeling for me and then I feel so guilty... I know that he loved me. He always told me that I made him happy. That he would be grateful for all his life that I showed him what love was and that he thanked God every day that he met me... And I felt the same...

I feel so much pain. He/We will never know the joy of living together, marrying and having kids. I regret that I didn't move in before, I wanted to wait till I finished my studies and I only stayed at his house in the weekends and holidays. I was so busy with my studies that I rarely saw him in the week. If I knew, I would have enjoyed every minute with him. I regret that I just answered 'Ok' when he walked out the door. I would have wanted to say 'I love you', 'be careful', 'don't ride to fast', 'don't forget to put your seat belt on' or 'I'll come with you'...

Your words of support and experiences would really help me...

Elena

[jlizzy]

HI Everyone,

AS you all know, I am going on the 1 year anniversary on Monday at 9:30 PM.

I am reliving everything from last year. Its horrible. I understand where

you all a re coming from; nobody wants to listen to my pain and they dont

understand my tears. I too have learned the game so that everyone thinks

I am doing great. It's only here that I can express my feelings.

Our loved ones are with us. I have experienced Bobs presence around me,

especially when I am upset. I have smelled his cologne, had things

missing and then turn up. I have asked him to hold me through the night

and I felt his arms around me. I told some people about it and they think

its in my mind, but it isnt he is here with me. And your loved ones are

with you.

They tell me that the day will come when I can look back at all the things

we did together and be happy-- I dont see that happening. I do look back

at all the good things we did and the love we shared and I smile, but then

I cry. Maybe its too soon for me, I dont know.

My attitude has changed. I drove through the worse thunderstorm in my life

yesterday. I was coming home from Jersey and all of a sudden it started

to rain really bad, I could feel the wind blowing against both sides of

my van and all I could think about was a tornado starting up (this area

I was driving through has tornados from time to time). As the rain and

hail hit my van, I asked myself "What is the worse that can happen to me?"

and my answer was, "It is my time to join Bob by the water where he is

waiting for me". (Bob came to me through my psyhic and told me he is

waiting by the water for me, because I love the water).

All I can say to you all is, "Hang in there. Open up to whats happening

around you and you will feel your loved one. Our loved ones are sending

us messages and yes, they will help us along (like send us friends we

normally wouldnt have).

For those of you who have just recently lost your loved one, get some

of the books out there, I found them very helpful.

God Bless You All

I know you have the strength to get through this

Joyce

[elena82]

Dear Joyce,

I hope you will get through this 1st anniversary. I'm wondering how I will feel next year, where I will be...

Like you I can smell him and feel his present. Especially when I need comfort before sleeping, then I just ask him to hold me and I can feel him holding me. I can even feel his breath on my face...

Since his death I don't fear death anymore... Like you said 'what is the worse that can happen'? Being back with him? If 'death' would give me the option: Go back with him or continue to try to live my life? I know what I would choose, as bad as it may sound... Not that I'm thinking of suicide, just that if my time comes, let it be...

Elena

[jamaga]

Joe and I were so deeply connected that I thought I would "see" him or "feel" his presence. I have other family members, my stepson, my mom, countless dogs. But not Joe I don't know why. I have never been able to figure that one out. I wish I could, or did. Oh well............

[pamnbill]

Hi Everyone,

Reading your posts is always such a comfort....it's such a help knowing I'm not alone in my feelings. I feel like I'm acting when I'm with my friends, even though they tell me to cry or do whatever, I just can't. They can't know how I feel and it's too hard to explain...so I put on my happy face. Only Bill knew the real me, he was so much apart of me, I still can't figure out how I'm suppose to go on without him. It's been 5 months and I still feel like I'm living in a dream, that he's really coming home. It's still too hard to face the truth.

Next week is our 24th wedding anniversary...I plan on taking a balloon out to the cemetary with me and releasing it along with a note to him. Someone here talked about doing that and it sounded like a great idea. Bill was such a wonderful kind man, always making me laugh ... looking at one of the last pictures I took of him still makes me smile. He never liked his picture being taken but this one day he let me take some, and my favorite is him with this big sh*t eating grin....wonder if he knew how important that picture would be. We even used it on his memorial leaflet. And several of our friends have it on their refrigerators as inspiration, they all marveled at how he could be in such good spirits while fighting cancer. But that was Bill, not much got him down.

Jen, I'm happy you're moving and I hope you find peace. Good Luck! And keep posting we'll want to find out how you and Brady are doing.

Your all in my thoughts....we'll get through this somehow.

Take care,

Pam

[minnie]

Hi everyone,

It is encouraging to read your messages. So I decided to join and reply. I understand excactly how you feel. My husband passed away February 2004 after a 10 month fight with cancer. I lost my father when I was 13yrs old and then I lost my mother in February 1999. Each death was painful for me but my husbands was the worse. We were best friends and soul mates, I thought I would not survive. My comfort came from knowing that God was and is there for me always. Most people including family members do not understand the way I feel, so I always "put on a happy face and smile" and just keep praying for healing. At our church we have started a berevement ministry of which I am involved, it is helping me to heal as well. I will refer this site to others, because I think it is very helpful. Thank-you all for sharing.

[minnie]

Hi everyone,

It is encouraging to read your messages. So I decided to join and reply. I understand excactly how you feel. My husband passed away February 2004 after a 10 month fight with cancer. I lost my father when I was 13yrs old and then I lost my mother in February 1999. Each death was painful for me but my husbands was the worse. We were best friends and soul mates, I thought I would not survive. My comfort came from knowing that God was and is there for me always. Most people including family members do not understand the way I feel, so I always "put on a happy face and smile" and just keep praying for healing. At our church we have started a berevement ministry of which I am involved, it is helping me to heal as well. I will refer this site to others, because I think it is very helpful. Thank-you all for sharing.

[jenmulloy]

Elena82

I was reading your post and am struck by the sudden loss you had with your soul mate. Brad and I had just gotten back from vacation, a wonderful vacation, with our then 17 month old son. Sunday night we were both exhausted, but he was a night owl and was stressing out about going back to work because he hated his job and didn't want a ton of things thrown at him. He fell asleep about 11:30, Brady about 11:45 and me, I fell asleep on the couch. At about 1 he told me to get up and go to bed because he couldn't sleep. That was the last thing he ever said to me, go to bed. I watched him go toward the bathroom as I went into the bedroom, then found him at 6. Five hours from the time we last talked and he was gone. He fell down our basement stairs and I found him. Nothing will ever take away that sight in my head, I wake up ever morning thinking I'll find him again. He had multiple skull fractures with an underlying puncture wound to the brain. The paramedics said that even if I had been right there with him there wouldn't have been anything I could have done. I miss him so much. I lost him on November 22, 2004. Every day has been a struggle, but I have a 2 year old now, so I have to keep going. Honestly, if I didn't have him, I'm afraid of where I'd be because I don't want to do this alone, I wasn't supposed to have to do this alone. I hate the word widow and I hate that his family seems to think I owe them so much. I pray that you find the strength and comfort you need here, I did, I still do. It was so hard to find people who understood, who really understood just how awful I feel inside knowing that I'm the only one now that doesn't have their second half with them here out of all my friends. Brad was 34, I'm 24, so it was hard to find people my age who lost someone until I came here.

[elena82]

Hi everyone,

I called Steven's mom yesterday, because I wanted to look at his old pictures. As she is moving she already had packed everything... She was going to look around for pic's and call me back... Then she said something that really hurt me, she said: You know when you'll meet someone else and will have another relationship, you will forget about him, but we will still have the pain...

That hurted, she probably wanted to cheer me up (???). I just answered that what matter would happen, I would never forget him. But I really wanted to scream, wanted to say that she hurted me, tell her how special our relationship was... I'm so angry...

Jen I'm sorry about Brad. It really feels good to know that you all here understand my pain.

Elena

[jenmulloy]

Elena

My mother in law keeps telling me to move on. My sister in law told me the day after Brad died that I would find someone to love me and Brady like he was his own. Those things aren't really comforting, but I think they say them thinking it helps. You'll find that a lot of people will say a lot of insensitive things. It used to bother me, but now I'm used to it. The sad thing is there is no same feelings when you share a loss with the family. For me a husband, for her a son, then his siblings and nieces and nephews. I do get tired of hearing, oh, you're so young, you'll find someone new and be just as happy. I don't want someone else, I feel like I've already met and lost the love of my life and I don't want to try again. It wouldn't be fair to another person anyway, I could never love them the way I loved, still love, my husband.

[jamaga]

Jen,

I am two years into a new relationship. I know that I am blessed with that. But you are right having someone else in your life does not take away the pain. I still miss Joe. A part of me is missing and will be the rest of my life. For those who have not experienced this they just don't understand. It's not like trading in a car and you get the new one and move on down the road. Death of a spouse is a life altering experience. At least for me. I will never be complete.

[lauraa]

Hello To Everyone,

This grieving business is rough! I don't know what I will have to face from day to day only that it will be challenging. It has been almost 14 months since I lost my husband. I don't know how I got thru the first year. I must be severely dehydrated as I can't believe the amount of tears I shed. I always seem to have delayed reactions for anniversary's. I think with certain big dates we prepare and are equipped better to handle them but then it always seems to get me following the anniversaries. And, I prepared for all the big things that I needed to get thru but it was all the little things in between that meant so much that we all have to deal with and get thru. Anything and everything is hard to get thru. A picture, finding old letters, the kids sporting or school events without him, supporting the kids knowing how devastated they are without their dad. It's the 4th of July? Saturday Nights alone. Sunday mornings alone. Not getting calls from him during the day for him to just say I love you like he always did. Not seeing him play with the kids. Not sitting with him holding hands watching movies together. Going to the kids graduations without him. I am still crying as I feel a piece of my left. We were together since we were 14 and married almost 28 years....How the hell will I ever find joy again. Thank god I had my kids. It was all so difficult because it was the first thing I haven't been able to fix myself or be able to fix with the help of my husband. If we couldn't do it I/We were counting on god to "get her done". So that part is the toughest to overcome. I really don't have a zest for life like I once did and I work daily to try and restore that. But it is an uphill battle. I am sorry for anyone new here who has a loss and I pray for all of you daily....strength, renewed faith, understanding.....rest yourselves and know your dear love ones would really not want you to suffer so and would take delight in knowing you all were doing good things for yourselves. A bath, a walk, out to dinner with a friend, manicure, message...anything....if that doesn't work go SCREAM your head off! Everyone have a peaveful night.

[computermemaw2]

Jen and Laura, your last posts have really hit home with me. They echo everything I'm still feeling. I still cry every day. God I hate this crying. I still feel as if I have no control over my life. I still take it one day at a time. I'm trying to look to the future and have taken steps to tell myself I'm moving on, but there's no joy in it. The house is still so terribly lonely. Me and my dog. Pathetic. The sermon last Sunday at church centered around a card table. Remember holidays when you went to the grandparents and the kids had to sit at the card table and the adults at the big table. If you were at the card table you had the paper plates, plastic utensils, and the paper cup. The dessert was always kept at the big table. The sermon went on to say when life hits you with the unexpected, you can either give up and continue to sit at the card table and miss out on the desserts from the big table, or you can ask God to help you, surrender and acknowledge the fact you can't do it alone, then you'll be able to move up to the big table and taste all that life has to offer you. The choice is ours. I've thought about that sermon many times the last couple of days. I know I can't continue on like this, but it's so hard trying to look to a future when your loved one is gone. I get so sad, and sometimes really mad that how I thought my future was going to be has changed. I was looking forward to being close to my husband and growing old together. I've never once looked at another man since my husband--never wanted to. I can't even imagine another person in my life. I hate the word widow. And I hate that next income tax time I'm supposed to check the single box. I feel I'm still married. I'm used to going places on my own shopping. It used to drive me nuts whenever Eddy would go with me. I lost count of the number of times I'd be looking at something and talking to him, only to look up and see I was carrying on a conversation with someone I didn't know while my husband was lagging behind looking at something else. I think he used to do it on purpose because he knew it drove me nuts. (grin). But when I go out now alone, it just feels so very different. Coming home is lonely. I miss the phone calls during the day too or bumping into him unexpectedly at the grocery store. Funny, I haven't cooked but a couple of times in 1 1/2 years. Grocery shopping is a thing of the past. I've got to get a handle on this though because the disorganization in my life is driving me crazy! The more I try to go through things and clean up the worse my house looks. I've managed to drag out things from every closet to go through and out of the attic trying to get rid of things I don't need. My son and his wife are coming in on the 4th for 2 weeks and I can't have them see the house like this. Worse of all, my husband isn't even here for me to blame the mess on--it's just me--all my doing. I'm comfortable being alone. Eddy was retired military, so having to do things by myself is almost second nature. But you knew it wasn't forever, that he'd return. Now it's different. I still can't believe it at times. I get tired of wearing 2 faces too. I learned quite early on that I was going to have to put on one face for the public and one for when I was behind closed doors at home. It's just easier that way. You smile, go to the work lunches, and meet the girls every once in awhile. But that changes once I close the doors at home. I'm really trying to keep busy. If I allow myself to think, I get sad and start crying again. I just miss Eddy so very much. Well, enough of this. It's after 1 a.m. and I'm still awake. And I leave for work between 5 and 5:30. I can tell it's going to be a long day. I'm just glad this site is here for me to get stuff off of my chest every once in awhile. You guys take care. Gayle

[iocasti]

I want to talk to him.....i want .....i want ...i want.....i am sicked and tired talking to the air....i want him ....here with me now and forever.....i want to know where he is...if he is happy...if we will be together again....i want him.....i want him...i want my love back.....someone God help.....i want him its too heavy....please...i want him...when will this end?

[elena82]

Iocasti,

I can feel your pain... It really breaks my heart that you're suffering as I am...

Bless you

Elena

[lyndadawn]

Iocasti. i just lost my husband, after 40 years of marraige. i just don't know what to do/ it's rough. i have been trying to find a place as this to meet others who share the grief we all know.hugs lynda

[biadmin]

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[kathy10w]

Well it has been 1year and 2 weeks since I lost him. I still think he is going to be there when I get home. It is a terrible thing but I still haven't moved any of his things so I always feel he is around me. I am here but my center is gone I go through the motions but I don't feel anything. I got a little puppy last fall Al and I had talked about it before he passed it helps. I am training him to be a theraphy dog we will be going into the hospital primarly the Cancer wards, I am trying so hard to find a pupose. I still cry at a drop of a hat. I miss him so much. He was my life I still can't understand why he was taken from me.

[iocasti]

Thank you...thank you for understanding me...thank you for being here...i wish none of us were in this situation...How are you going on?What do you thing about your future?Do you communicate somehow with your gone ones?What is important for you now?What matters for us now? Are we supposed to understand or learn something from this?Please sare your thoughts....love you all...be as better as you can....thanks again.

[lauraa]

To Everyone,

I have all the same questons. How can I go on? It has been 13 months for me since I lost the love of my life. I don't know how I got thru the first year. I cried my heart out each and everyday...buckets! I couldn't sleep and still struggle with that unless I zonk myself out (sometimes that is the only way otherwise I wake up in a panic). A loss like this also creates alot of problems, family dynamics change, finanacially things change....everything. The biggest probally for all of us is depression and loosing our "zest" for living like we once did. We all will need to battle that everyday. We need to find ways. For me I know my husband would not want me to be so sad and down...I really know that. And, I truely believe he lives on and is not sick anymore but is still spiritually with me always...it is an adjustment. I told myself many months ago that I need to just accept the fact that I will never see him again in this life....that was the hardest part for me. So now I work on trying to communicate with him on a spiritual level. It take work, practice, etc. No-one should ever know this pain. I'll never understand why the good go young...never! I guess god has a bigger plan than we do. Your all in my prayers.

[iocasti]

Dear Laura and everyone else in here

what helps me most for sleeping trouble is getting very busy and so very tired myself and so finally my body can do nomore but sleep...:)You said something about practicing on communitate with him in a spiritual level ..do you want to say something more about this? I want to communicate with him so much...and as a use of a mentium or so is against my religion and also as far as i know its not the best way to come close to our beloved ones...i am trying to find a way to make sure that my pain, my love, my hole soul is reaching somehow my love. Have a painless weekend, a nice new mounth, and i wish to all of you somehow to have close to you your beloved....