I Miss Him So...

[momofjon]

I'll tell you why I like to go to my son's grave alone, grannyc. When I go with family, it's a social occasion. I behave in a way so as not to upset anyone or make them uncomfortable.

When I go alone, it's just my son and I...and the peacefulness. Where I can be alone with him and I can BE just how I'm feeling.

Sometimes I go with family...sometimes I prefer to go alone.

dee

[rodless]

I go to my husband's grave almost every day and I much prefer to be alone. Of course, I'm not really alone...my dog is with me most of the time. She does her running thing then we just sit for awhile and appreciate the quiet. I keep a old quilt in the car and we sit under the tree by his grave. She knows the term "Rod's place" and will go right to it when she's told to. At first I always cried but it has become a place of sanctuary for me. It's a beautiful location and I find a lot of comfort there. Once in awhile someone else comes in but most of the time I'm the only one out there. The only problem I have is a lady from my church who can see the cemetery. She always has to tell me that she's seen me out there "again." I've decided that it's my business and really don't care if others think I'm strange or maudlin. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Since Ishaq was cremated, there's no grave, but I have been a couple of times to the place on the river where he passed. It is a beautiful deep pool of water by the rock folks jump off into the river. I first went alone a couple of days after his Celebration of Life. Then I went with his sister and her husband a couple of days after his one year anniversary. I take the flowers from his Celebrations and build a little stone sculpture there on the beach, and cast some of the flowers into the water. It's a ways away, so I don't get to go there often, and it's underwater in the winter months, I think.

Mary Jo, I can't believe how nosy and meddling some people are! It's none of that woman's business and it's pretty rude that she is even watching people in the cemetery. The nerve of some people!

Yesterday I got a lot done in the house and actually started doing my Christmas section on my online store at Cafepress. I got the cat holiday items done and uploaded, and today I'm going to try and do some more. Plus I've started knitting again - the B&B across the street does a holiday sale and I have always sold my knit hats and scarves there. Just keeping busy helps. I have the TV on all Sunday with football, both because I like football, and it reminds me of the days when Ishaq and I watched together and had football parties with friends over. I'm not ready to start the party thing again, but it feels comforting.

I just rescued a snail off my bedroom floor - must have come in attached to Mckenzie, my youngest cat, who comes in soaking wet from the rain all the time! Glad I found it on the floor and not crawling across my pillow!

Take care everyone,

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo, I also go to John's grave site quite often. I am usually alone.....I have a chair in the trunk of the car so when I am there I sit with him and talk (out loud)It is so hard not having our conversations after all we were together for 35 years. He might have stopped talking but not me........I always have something to say to him.

Next week on 10/11 it will be 14 months for John and it will be our son's birthday he will be 26. I guess as normal we will go out for the birthday dinner and have a toast to John. Maybe we will celebrate the birthday on 10/10 after all that is the evening for "John Edwards".

Take care.

Dorothy

[crushedheart]

Hello everybody ...Hope everyone had a nice weekend...(or as nice as possible)..I too go visit my husband at his grave site..at first when I went I lost it ..couldn't hold back the screams...and on my knees begging him to come back ..and wanting my heart to stop beating so I could join him ..that parts getting easier now..Our daughters have his grave decorated for fall now..it's something he would have liked..all the fall colors..and most of the time I go alone ..just to chat like we did before..The pain of it all is still hard to take...But I'm working on it ..

Hugssss to you all...it's night time again ..Oh God how I hate the nights...

:-(

[Error username not found]

i go to the cemetery too. i dont go as much as i really want to though. i really want to move closer to the cemetery..anyway when i first went there i cried too,but now i think im more numb to it. i dont picture it as really being him there..although sometimes i do but when im home. sometimes i just wish i could take him out and bring him home with me.i miss him.this is never gona go away this overwhemling eating away at me feeling thats with me all the time.the only thing to make me feel better is him.and he usually does.wanna hear something funny? sometimes when my son talks to me(or babbles) he become shocked and then goes "0000 daddy!!daaddy!!" and points behind me.its fun and it makes me feel happy.well im exhausted..had a long day. goodnight everyone.

[aprilmoonflower]

DH's ashes are in the closet. though I am not truly sure they are his ashes since his father sent them to me opened! (idiot)

otherwise I drive the car he died in. I don't even believe he died in there though. it's pretty surreal. I mean I know it's true yet I still can't believe it! like it is not my reality at all in a way. it's just a car. yet it's more than that too, as he took his last breath in it. but it's also STILL just a car. sigh.

btw I must be a wierdo as I never really talk to him. only swear at him once in a great while (and other choice words) when I am PO'd! lol. I am an atheist though, so I guess that is why. I still feel pretty let down he left me and our children in this mess though, and all for what? I think I have every right to be angry too. oh no, but then his family accuses me of playing "victim" if I have a thought or opinion of my own.. such losers. and so rediculous.

You know, I used to think I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat, now I really question that! Especially so, if we hadn't had our children. I just obviously didn't know my husband and that is a real eye opener to me. I was so naive I think. I just never thought he'd be out coking it up, yk? but he was! just wasnt his character. at least the one I thought I knew! now I can see things alot clearer though looking back. I refuse to take on his issues though. yeah, I am still really pissy over it all.

[grannyc]

Thanx for all your sharing about you visits with husbands at their graves. I've done or felt about all the feelings you all mentioned. The first visit was the worst and I had to go alone. Just to see HIS name etched in stone was more than I could take. It tore me to pieces.

Why do we allow ourselves at times to let what others say bother us? I am at

14 1/2 months, now, and I am so often told how good I'm looking and how glad they are the worst is over. Its like HUH! You don't have a clue. This'll never be over for me, maybe more bareable but, its going to be a lifetime void! It is hard work to grieve; to get up each morning; to have to see, deal with people, to try to get at the mondane chores around the house. I DON'T care if the house needs to be cleaned up. It doesn't matter any more. It once did but why now, I can sit alone with the dust.

Can't you?

GrannyCheryl ;?(

[airymoon]

bacafly==it does get better, easier. as for your son he may be seeing you husband. my daughter swears she felt him put his hand on her shoulder one dau i asked how she knew it was him and she said it felt like him. kids have less inhibitions to keep themfrom feeling their presence, i saw my husband last year when i asked for a sign. he had worked withan autistic girl in my school and she didn't like to be touched i asked if he was still with us and with her to have her give me a hug. she actuakky jumped in my arms and while i was holding her i saw him behind her just standin there but what was weird id the rest of the room seemed to fade and i just noticed him. i actually took astep toward him and then he was gone. i got two hugs and a kiss from her that day and never again, it was very cool and very comforting.

April== i dont think you have to believe in god to believe that their spirit resides somewhere or is still connected to us. and i do cuss at my husband too although he didn't do anything to cause his death except not take care of himself and not listento me when i asked him to get a stress test. i believe in heaven and god although i am having doubts on god, but working on it. When thing get bad i say hope your enjoying paradise babe cuz it sucks here. Or no i just say how's it in paradise kurt?! and then i call him an ass. its just my little thing lol

becky

[crushedheart]

Granny C ...that bothered me to no end when I saw my husbands stone being set and his name on it for the first time...OH God how I cried...No I screamed...I had my name put on it when I bought it ..after a few visits seeing it there..I felt better knowing my name is next to his and it's like He's just waitiing for me ..I had the same feeling ..wanting to get him out of there and just bring him home..that feeling hasn't changed ..each time I go visit him ..I want to do that...Is that weird or what?

I've had a few visits from him now..some in the family might think it was my imagination...but i know what I know ..and it was REAL...before he passed away...if i was worried about something or got a scared feeling ...He'd hold my hand and say everything is going to be alright babe..I would feel the warmth from his hand and the worried feelings would always go away ...I did that twice since he passed away ... recently I got scared about a few things ..Told him sweetie I can't handle this alone ..please hold my hand let me know you're there..and I would reach my hand out for him and both times I could actually feel the warmth from his hand touching mine.....Tears now..talk later...hugsss you all

[missyouhoney811]

I do my thing every evening before going upstairs to bed. I kiss three of his pictures - tell him how much I love him - today, tomorrow and always. As I go up the stairs I ask him to please protect me through the night and let no harm come to me. I cover over with his blanket holding it close to me pretending his arms are wrapped around me. That has been my routine since he passed away.

The day I actually saw his name in the stone I lost it completely because I had no clue that the stone was put on the grave. One thing was knowing that he died ---- seeing his name engraved on the stone made it real. I was alone and I ended up laying down on the ground on top of him. It was not one of my better days.

I believe in God, spirits and after life. Has to be something more than earth.

Blessings to all.

Dorothy

[laurielblack]

My husband was cremated, but we buried half of his ashes at his family plot...a very tiny and rural cemetery where his father and grandparents were interred. I have the other half here with me. The children and I, as well as my mother-in-law, all have necklaces with a tiny bit of his ashes inside, so that we can keep him close to us all the time. I have only been to the gravesite twice since his passing six months ago...it's almost 100 miles from here so we don't go often. His stone is scheduled to arrive next week. It has taken me this long to be able to order it without losing my mind. I don't know how I will react when I see it...I can only imagine that it will be like scraping the scab off of a really tender wound. I think things are getting worse instead of better. I miss him more every day and feel like I am drowning while all the while, trying to keep up the appearance that all is well. No one at work asks how I'm doing, I mean REALLY how I'm doing, and family all believes that I am superwoman and am "over it." I will never, never, EVER be "over it." The only things keeping me going are God's wonderful grace and my three beautiful sons.

[crushedheart]

lauriel...Yes seeing his stone for the first time will be another story in it's self...and a hard one to face and tell about ..reading your post made me want to cry ..I'm so sorry for you and your sons..I too have the family problem thinking I'm superwoman ..I just stare at them and say nothing...I don't know how to cope and don't know half the time what I'm doing or saying ..One family member said I look empty eyed now then adds...it'll just take time ...MY God...this is something that time will never cure......if she only knew ..my whole body is empty ..

[lauraa]

I rememer having to go and pick out my husband casket....two friends were with me....I found myself wondering outside the room after going thru and trying to pick one. The director asked me which one I liked....I said, "I hate them all". My friend helped me pick one out, otherwise I don't think I could have done it. My husband is buried 800 miles from us, so it is difficult to go. I had him buried in our family cemetary. Whenever I start to feel bad about not being able to visit his grave, I tell myself he is not there...he is with me and our family, right now and always. It is quite emotional when I do get a chance to go there and I find that I spend hours there and don't want to leave....The first time I went by myself, I thought I could die myself....a part of me feels as if a part of me did the day I lost him. I will never be the same. There is not much time that goes by that I don't think of him or long to have him back with me.

Your all in my thoughts.

[Error username not found]

its so crazy cuz everyone is describing how they feel and its exactly how i feel.we really are going through the same thing as hard as it is to believe that anyone else could feel the way i do. i hate being around certain people in my family and mentioning him at all. it seems like noone cares.2 months after he died everyone forced me to go out for thanksgiving..and they drove right by where he died n thought nothing of it. ovcoarse i became a serious bitch and started cursing at everybody but i didnt mention why.the next day they figured it out and they were like ohhh i didnt even think of it. thanx alot assholes.i know how it is now. its almost like everyones thinking.."oh god..STILL.how long ago did he die!!get over it." so **** em.lol. i know that he knows i love him and thats all that matters. i do that too when i dont go to the cemetery. i think hes here anyway so it doesnt matter. since he died,every night i stay up thinking of him and i talk to him and i sleep holding his shirt.it does feel like him hugging me when i think hard enough. also i have a picture of him right where i can see it and if i hold it next to me in the dark and stare at it long enough it actually looks like hes laying nexto me looking at me.it makes me go crazy. ugh. im so empty.i miss you.where r u??

[grannyc]

Oh Dear Board (((Friends)))

Our pain just drips from this board and so much of it is the same just different names and faces. I know my Tim is really not at that cemetary, that's just his EarthSuit. But, on certain occasions I just have to stop there to be there. Why? I don't know. Its about a 60 mile drive we have plots at our State Veteran Cemetary.

This "Get Over it Crap" Is just ignorance gone to seed. Wait until there day comes and they are hit in the face with the most awful thing any of us have ever had to deal with. I avoid many people becuz of their stupidity!!!!

Its too painful. And my answer to "How you doing" is "Today SUCKS tomorrow will, too" Even found a t-shirt with that on. It offends many people that I'm not trying to better my attitude. Hey! Honestly has always been the best policy!!!

I don't know where I'd be without my one widow friend, she lost her husband 3 1/2 months before my Tim died. And my faith. Somedays there are only one set of Footprints in the sand and it IS His carrying me.

Hi there, to Computermemaw2(Gayle) And (Steph) stsfm33. Wishing both of you a great day!!!!!! This place is no crutch its a neccessity, please come back and join in.

Best to all,

GrannyCheryl ((((;?)

[crushedheart]

Yes Granny and today that's what I see...One Set of Foot Prints..Oh God this is killing meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ! The Tears won't stop for some reason !

[grannyc]

I hear you Crushed.

Today I just feel like the world is full of happy people and then there's me.

:-(

I was reading a Grief Book and it said we have tears for all different reasons and when the feeling to cry comes we must let them flow for - the specific reason we need to be helped in. I don't know? Make any sense to you?

Well, been physically working too much the last couple days, maybe weeks on construction chores around the house and I'm beat, tired of it and just plain

BLAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Later,

GrannyCheryl

[crushedheart]

Nope Granny ...doesn't make any sense to me ...but then again nothing seems to these days...I gave some of my pain to a paint brush this afternnon ...Managed to get some much needed chores done as well ...gave the bathroom a little face lift...(didn't make me feel any better though)...I'm still in my *What For* and *Why Bother* mode...

[grannyc]

Dear Crushed,

You are on my mind often, I pray each day gets easier for you!

Its so darn hard. After 37 years with my husband, its hard to even think of

a life without him. Do you have anything to look forward to? It surely doesn't seem like it, does it?

Our other 1/2 is gone. We are living as 1/2 a person. That's why it is so impossible to go without pain. We have lost more than most can even imagine.

Have a good nights sleep, ((Crushed))

GrannyCheryl

[crushedheart]

sitting here reading your reply Granny and crying like I can't stop..feels like I have nothing left to stay on this planet for tonight ...I'm so sick of it all...I want to just die...this pain is too much to take...sorry everyone for being such a whiner...I just can't take it ..thanks for the prayers granny ...please God Help us all...

[rodless]

Crushed... I lost my husband in July of 2006. Last October I felt exactly the way you are feeling now. All I could think about was wanting to die and get rid of the pain. I don't have any magic words. Just know that all of us on this board can identify and try to comfort you. Granny C... I have also been thinking about you. It does seem like 1/2 of me is gone and it does suck. My husband was my best friend and there is an empty hole inside that memories don't fill. I'll say a special prayer for you both and wish I could do more.

I'm leaving Friday for a long weekend in Wisconsin with Rod's sister. I have mixed feelings. It's hard to go there when we always went together and had so much fun but it's like having a little piece of him back as she looks like him and has similar expressions and gestures. I went there a year ago September and cried all the way there and all the way back. It should be better this time.

I am so grateful for the progress I've made although I have a long way to go. A friend who lost her husband 3 years ago told me today that she doesn't expect to ever be happy again, but she wants to be content with her life. I think I just want to have mine be tolerable and I'm getting there. Others who were posting on this board when I started are no longer around so there must be hope.

Mary Jo

[airymoon]

maryjo I'm still here and it does get better i hope. our dates are close.im at 15 months this month. and i just decide to live with my half self because i cant get the rest back and i had no choice. i think there is hope we just have to be ready to see it and reach for it which is very scary

becky

[rodless]

Hi Becky... yep! 15 months on the 7th. Seems like forever and just yesterday at the same time. (Think that's been said many times on here.) I've been going back and copying and pasting to Word all my posts...it's like having a diary. And as I reread I can see where I was and that I'm going forward most of the time now even with all the backsteps and sidesteps. Just was reading our converstions about Christmas last year. Ugh! I really dislike that holiday anymore and it's showing up in the stores right along side the Halloween stuff. Have a good Thursday. Mary Jo

[airymoon]

i know what your saying i was actually looking forward to halloween this year and i went in to get the kids their costumes and heard chtristmas music in the back where the christmas stuff was. UGHH i though about our conversation too and though i am gonna get that paint gun! but my son like the idea so i may have to sneak out i dont want to corrupt him. the kids birthdays are all this week i did better than last year they at least got gifts on their day this year not just an envelope with cash, each year is a little better my steps are more sideways than backwards lately so i guess thats good.

becky

[airymoon]

p.s. it'll be 16 months i thought it was still september til i wrote about the b-days.lol

[Error username not found]

for me it just turned 1 year.ive just been exited lately because i sort of put down that block in my mind that blocks out our really good memories.ive been remembering completely how we were and it makes me feel good. once i start to think of him as being dead i think...he always did everything before me and taught me from it..so i think about dying as just something else to do in life and that hez still around so i say.. hey! how is it? cant wait to be with you but u did it so i know i can do it now. im happy thinking hes here. hez here i know it. goodnight everyone.hope you all feel better and remember that he is there nexto you,i just figure that he doesnt show himself or do things most of the time because he basically just got there and he hasnt figured it out yet lol.

[grannyc]

Hey ((Group)) You really do it for me. You Push, Prod and I appreciate each one of you for the info I can glean from your posts.

My Tim was dead a year July 10th of this year. And, I know I've taken some steps in growth. I really like the thought of SIDEWAYS steps instead of always feeling I'm falling backwards.

I journaled alot in the early months, well really up until about a month ago occasionally. I have read it a couple times and can hardly believe some of the writings are me. How do we make it through those early days/nights/weeks/months?

One second at a time I am thinking.

My prayer is often "Lord, Help me find a life that is content, peaceful and meaningful for me" I do not want anyone else in my life, Tim's place right now I feel, whether he is or isn't by my side; my life is still part of his. I can't see it any other way.

I, also have received some smiles on my face as good memories come to mind and all the laughing we use to do together. Bacafly, I have thought it stands to reason, too, that my Tim would go to Heaven first, he did everything else first-and I'd catch on from him, or find his way to be easier, then mine.

CrushedHeart, hang onto our words if not to anything else, you are at a very painful time. It just speaks to the love you have for him and have lost. Let

us carry you for now. WE ALL CARE! And, OH have we been there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am thinking about starting to journal again, this time put in also what went on during my day and how I feel about it, etc. Maybe months ahead I can learn something from that, too.

Well, my days a wasting, am preparing for a sleep over for my youngest Grand-daughter (10 years old) Don't know why I get myself into this. But, her Mom will take over later in the night, so I will then, have my bedtime-tsk tsk

Thoughts to ALL,

And, thank you!

GrannyCheryl

[crushedheart]

Hello everyone...just read your posts and many thanks to you all for you're encouraging words...you all will never know what a blessing you've been to me...I stayed up very late reading old posts on here and yes I can see progress in each one of you ..I'm worn out and drained but not as tearful today ..My husband and I was together for about 50 years all total..we grew up together in the same neighborhood..married at a very young age...raised our 2 beautiful daughters...helped with the grandkids...ect ect...I'm 62 years old and he's all I ever knew..so yes more then half of me died when he did..Granny enjoy your sleep over...Mary Jo have a safe and wonderful time on your trip..Becky ..all of you thanks so very very much ..

[rodless]

So much of what you say relates. I want to be content. Can't imagine anyone else as a life partner but will not totally shut my mind to it as ours was a second marriage (after divorce many years ago) so I know it can happen. Don't plan to go looking. If someone falls in my lap so be it. The memories that were so painful at first are now comforting. The good ones have replaced the ones of sickness and death. At first the good ones were painful too but now I am ok with them...remembering fun times, things he said, special little jokes etc. And I do feel his spirit with me wherever I go. Just takes time - I HATED hearing that!! - but it is so true. I loved that man with everything in me and I miss him almost very minute of the day, but he would not want me to be unhappy. So I'm doing my best, that's all any of us can do. Have a good weekend, everyone. I'll check in when I get back. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Mary Jo, what you say makes so much sense to me. Funny, right now I'm listening to the radio and the refrain of the song is "heart full of holes". I feel that way so often. I miss Ishaq every minute of every day too, and the feeling is getting to be "normal". There is a sort of peace knowing that he died wtihout suffering, and he keeps coming to me in the dream realms, in one I asked him how I could go on, and he said "try taking some time pills" with his gentle smile, like it was all some kind of cosmic joke that he knew the punch line to, and that I'd know eventually. I also don't plan to look for anyone else. I've gotten into dressing up nice again, putting on my makeup, high heeled boots and all - yesterday I heard someone whistle at me under their breath at the grocery store! I'm just learning who Anna is - we were ishaqandanna for so long, soulmates, performers, lovers, travelers on the same spiritual path. Sigh.

The other day I wrote a letter to Ishaq telling him what I'd accomplished that day. I want to try and do that more often, just try to keep getting things done around the house. Today I have a friend coming to dinner and then she and I are going to our bi-monthly Sufi class. I'm making a pear tart to take. Sometimes I feel like Izzy on Grey's Anatomy, wanting to bake away the pain. At least my friends get some dessert out of it.

Ok, got to go start on that tart...56 muffins anyone?

Blessings,

Anna

[pierndi]

Hello everyone, it's Diane. I have had some bad days. I"M really up or like an airplane crashing!!! Takes awhile to get my head out of but!! I keep thinking everyday that goes by brings me a little closer to being with him. Don't think thats good thinking but for now it works. I'm so scared I won't make right decisions, won't have a life anymore!! I'm so lost all of the time. I long for him to visit, I ask him too but not seen him yet. I keep thinking he's mad at me and that's why he won;t let me see his vision. I am sooooooo

sad I've been crying myself to sleep Gotta go talk with you all soon

[amberi]

Hi everyone,

wow its been awhile since Ive been here, well a few weeks anyways. So I scattered 1/2 of Alex's ashes in the ocean on his birthday man was that hard and good at the same time. This Sunday will be our 12th anniv. it is hard cuz last year we didnt spend it together cuz he was in rehab. It sucks realizing that I havent been physically with him on our day in two years. I am going to scatter the rest of his ashes that day and take off my ring. I feel like it should come off the same day it went on. My plan is to put it in the ground with my daughter. Unless my kids dont want me too! It does feel kind of to soon to take it off but it just feels like thats what Im supposed to do. Im sorry to see so many new names, but I hope this board helps all of you the same way it has helped me. These are wonderful people here and help me in very hard times. Hope everyone else is doing as good as they can be.

I really miss you all and hope to be able to check in a little more often again. Things just got really crazy and I had to step away from reality for a bit to try and get a grip on this new life that I truly hate.

Enough of my moment. Take care all, and new ladies hang in there, it’s a hard road but we must maneuver it.

Big (((hugs))) to you all.

Amber

[amberi]

April - just read your post, Im with you girl. Still very very very pissed and angry. me and you had to deal with alot of other bullshit from there bad choices that others dont have to deal with. But like you said you dont have to take those on. remember what I told you in the email you can always call Im in CA. I in a strange way enjoy reading your post it helps me not feel alone. The whole nightmare that we have been put threw cuz of the drugs is so unfair. I too never in amillion years would have thought my Alex, who was an upstanding guy, great job, kids etc. would make such a bad choice. please keep in touch, and I too will with email if Im not oin the board. Take care of you girl, and your kids. your a strong wonderful young woman (like me, haha wish I was) hang in there.

xoxox Amber

[crushedheart]

Hello Amber...I'm so sorry you and April had that extra sorrow to go along with everything else..I don't know how you two are doing it ..the death alone is enough to have to deal with ..it's all so much pain ..I wish you and April both the very best...

Diane..We all know how much this is hurting you ...just wish I could give you words to make you feel better...Just keep coming back here if only to read the posts...believe me Diane it helps...just knowing we're not alone ...

I had to take my husbands wedding band off in the hospital...I slipped it on my finger it's quite a bit larger then mine ..but it's entwined with my own band of gold...it feels good there...I know one day I probably will take it off...but for now..I just like wearing it and touching it..

well it's night time again ...NOT my fav time...I hate the nights...that's when I get so lonely for my sweetie...our special time ..I've set his picture as my desk top on my computer..His eyes are so shiny and full of life..

Good night everyone...Hugssss and prayers for you all...

[grannyc]

((Dear Pierndi))

At first and maybe occasionally for a couple months the "I feel he's mad at me"

Would come to my mind too. I think it is our poor little tramad-brain, that

looks and tries everything to figure the shock out for us. We are alone so quickly, at times for no reason we can understand and I just think we want them so badly, they must be mad at us if we don't feel them constantly, or maybe an argument or disagreement sticks in our minds-whether its been months or weeks before they died. We are just so very confused and our mind tries to grasp anything for us to understand.

It is just so amazing, like all of you must visit Minnesota regularly and watch in my windows becuz you describe my life, my feelings, my situations over and over in your postings, but you put your name on it. It does truly make be feel acceptable even in this unacceptable situation. (((Thanx)))

Dear CrushedHeart, I so understand your feelings. My Tim was my one and only.

I met him when I was just 15. We pretty much started off together at that time off and on. Then, married for 37 years. We always joked we got along so well becuz we grew up together OR raised each other. We just fit together perfectly in all areas of life. And, to never have that again kills me! I only want HIM!!!!! He was 6'3" and I am 5'2" and even in that difference it made no difference in our committed life together. Divorce was never an issue, I think that is why in good and bad we hung on to each other. Thank you for sharing and encouraging me in your posts. You've been a great help to me!

I also feel for you 2 that had the drug issues at such a tramatic time. Remember the upstanding character that your husbands had. You know everyone makes mistakes, its just not everyone dies in them. It could have been their choice to cross a street at a dumb time. To be careless and unattentive when everything was normal. Please hang on and remember them for their goodness and wonderful things they brought into you lives!!!

(((To all YOU are my new family)))

Good Night, GrannyCheryl

[aprilmoonflower]

awww thanks for thinking of me ladies. I am not so mad this week. lol. i have learned alot about poor choices and that we are (in a sense) who we surround ourselves with. I have cut out all toxic family and friends in the last year and a half and it feels great. because you know I'd rather be ALONE than have toxic people around me and my children. If that means we have no support, so be it!

sometimes I wonder if it's better he died anyway because if I had known about this while he was alive (the cocaine) me and my kids would have been LONG GONE! and that would have devastated him. I must be really stupid though as I have found NUMEROUS baggies in my house! (all flushed obviously) but he left some in plain view! wtf? why did I never noticed these? I also found an OLD stash under the bed that was yellow so it obviously was quite old. he also left us with $15 in our savings account (and no insurance). Our banks statements show he was taking $100 a week out! wow. I am so completely shocked, still! what a F-ing liar first of all! secondly WHO WAS MY HUSBAND? thirdly why in the hell would he be out drugging it up with 2 babies at home. what a complete idiot! there are people that want to sit and tell me oh he didn't do that much or he couldn't have done it that long (like his mother) I am not going to justify what he did or down play it. I can accept it but I can't accept others telling me it wasn't that bad. are you serious? he's dead! he was even having nosebleeds! (it didn't click until I found out about the coke) then all his behavior fits. I have realized that addiction really runs in his family (or so it seems). his grandpa was addicted to vicodin for 40+ years and they all are heavy pill poppers. I know others in his family (like his sis and my former BIL) were into coke too at one time or another. then they think it's my fault? mmmkay. I have never done coke in my life! I don't even drink! (his BAC was triple the legal limit when he died) also I was told by some of his family should never tell my kids!!! omg! my kids are soooo going to grow up with the facts and the truth! Also I will never lie to them either! the cycle was broken as far as I'm concerned with DH death though and I'll be damned if my kids repeat his mistakes!

anyway it's like some big secret to some and it's not for me. I am very open about what happened, even with strangers.

[airymoon]

anna i think you said exacty what ive been thinking i have to figure out who i am again. i met kurt when i was 15 and married him when i was 18. 21 years later im alone for the first time and its crazy. Maybe if i find out who i am then i can be content with how i am. I hope so. and i write letters to kurt all the time. I keep them in a notebook so i can re read through them.

crushed your welcome and thank you for everything too.

rodless. i also dont want to be alone or maybe it is more that i dont want to be lonely. I was on adating web sight just to talk online and one of the guys i actually knew in high school. we talked for a while and we met and it was fun in a weird sort of way. I laugghed alot and he asked for a second date and i agreed. the second date i was praying the time would get me out of there. after the date he kissed me goodnight and all i thought was NO NO NO. Way too soon. i realized the first date was fun because i was seeing an old friend the second date he was expecting more and i just couldn't i listened to people telling me to get out there and have fun and i believed that i sould just date and not be more than friends with him but it wasn't fair to him. I also was done when he was talking about if we ever got to the point where he would spend the night at my house would i turn the heater off on my bed cuz he didn't like to sleep hot. I was thinking dude this is our SECOND date! He is really sweet just moves a little faster than me or he was feeling more thanme idont know but i did the chicken thing and sent him an email saying i was up to talking online but no dating anyone yet it was just too soon. but i am open to the future if somine falls from the sky and hits me on the head then i'll know. and at least i found out for sure i wasn't ready and not just that i was scared. Maybe some day the right man will come along and i hope i can be happy if not i hope i can be happy with just me. Im not an easy person to live with so i dont know if i can. lol

Diane- that fear is NORMAL and i think good it makes you think before you act and lets you realize that not all of your decisions are made in the right frame of mind. Eventually the ups and downs slow down or at least there is not such a big dip between them. i hope you keep writing here and reading because it does help.

Amber i took my rings off 9 months after kurt died. WE wee waiting to have them resized and they didin't fit but after he died i lost so much weight that i could wear them again so i did. It didn't make me feel closer to him because it had been a while since i had them on and i was thinking that i should not have waited to get them fixed and it made me sad so i took them off i am keeping them for our daughter to have and i feel good about that. I did take his ring off him in the hospital and i put it on a chain around my neck i already had a heart he had given me for christmas and the ring fits perfectly around the heart. a lot of people ask me if i got it that way or wonder if i had it made like that. i hold it at night if i can sleep. just an idea for you if you not sure what to do

April- i agree with you completely i think you should tell your kids they have the right to know as long as athey can handle it. the cycle needs to stop and one wayt to make sure is to be openand honest about everthing You are sooo right.

i Hope everyone has a good weekend or at least not a hard one

becky

[grannyc]

It is a very dreary day, sprinkles, rains just a down day. I feel like I'm slipping into the dreary. Then, got a card from my husband's sister(2years older than him: in a family of 12) Anyway, this Monday would have been my husband, Tim's 59th birthday and also one of our grand-daughters on the same day. Anyway she wrote how much she cares and how often she thinks of us. And,

wanted me to know she was thinking of Tim as his birth date approaches and wanted me to know she will always remember. Its really depressing; this sister has not been in touch with me since Tim's funeral the 2nd week in July, 2006. It's hard for me to understand that type of careing and I almost hate reading it. Its so fakey phony yuck!

I really don't have anything to write, I guess almost too numb and tired.

A good night to all!

GrannyCheryl ()

[crushedheart]

I know Granny ..just when you think your going to be kinda ok ..something happens like that and here we go again huh?...Tim was so young ..my husband was only 64 and so looking forward to retiring next year in April...we had made plans for things we would do ..things you don't have time to do when your working and raising the kids...I don't get the phone calls or visits from any of the folks that came when he died either..feels like I'm sitting on a shelf ..other then our 2 daughters...and my grandson ..they are here for me anytime day or night ..but I really don't like to interfear in their lifes..they are in a lot of pain themselfs...and ya know ...many of the people that came when he died said *Call me if you need anything*...Yeah sure I will...NOT !!!!I know what your feeling Granny ..sorry you're so down ..but I sure do understand it ..Take care of yourself Granny I'm here too...Good night everyone ..hugsss and prayers for you all...

[Error username not found]

LOL crushedheart i know!! my fince was 22 when he died,and everyone at his funeral was sooo fake.they were like "call me if u need anything...anything!" so i was like..could u imagine if i actually called these people?? like "hey ..i ran out of diapers can u swing by" lol..wut the hell would they do then?? i cant stand fake people..and ive actually started not liking people who have things they dont deserve. like a husband for instance. someone i knew in highschool was just randomly having sex with this guy and she ended up pregnant so she married him..n i get annoyed like.. you dont even like eachother...how come u have a husband and i dont..u know? eh.. im just annoyed. and something else that annoys me is my fiances old friends who havent seen him in years and decide NOW they give a **** and their his best friends. its rediculous. ughhh. i wish i could have him to me and keep him ALL to myself.Im pissed. i want him back..its fucked up and its not fair.

[crushedheart]

I did try it once Bacafly...My yard is as big as a small base ball field...I do all of my own mowing..except for the triming...I hired a young fella around here that does that kinda work to do that for me..he's done the triming for a few years...just after my husband died ..my mower quit ..and my yard looked terrible for a few days ...I called this guy and ask if he could mow for me until I got my mower to the shop to have it fixed...and OHHHHHHHH the excuses he gave...I kindly told him that's ok ..i'll manage...(He was one of those fake people that said * If you need anything just call me*)..and he knew I wouldn't let him mow for free...I would have paid him well..cause I was desperate ..In my new life now I don't ask anyone for anything ..I do it myself or leave it go...I miss my husband so very badly ..So yes I know what you're saying Bacafly...and another thing that gets me... I see couples that I know in the stores...half of the guys don't work ..they live off the system ..I want to scream at God and say YOU took my husband who worked everyday of his life...and let that piece of S*** stay on the earth ..hugs ya Bacafly I know what your going through ..

Granny I pray your doing better today !!

grabs one of Anna's muffins ...got any coffee to go with those?..lol...take care everyone !

[pierndi]

Good morning everone,Crushedheart, Grannyc, Airymoon thank you for your kind words and wisdom Ifind that visiting this site and reading and writing is of comfort to me. I'M NOT ALONE! My husband died August 28, 2007. We had a family wedding last night, I went for my kids, they area 23 and 21 boy and girl. service was nice, dinner was good, then dancing started fell apart! Chris and I were always on dance floor al night. My son said last night nothing feels right anymore he's right. It was very weird being with his family and not him being there. I left. But I'm proud of myself for going. Christopher and I met on the high school bus, we dated, we married in 1981 I had kids when I was 24 and 26. We were happy! Then things went alittle south and we divorced. LOL took 2year sabaticle. We never stopping loving each other just weren't friends anymore. We both hooked up with other people neither of us truly happy. Then he had broken up with a young girl, said he had issues lol he did. That's how were started to find each other again, we became friends he moved back home and we remarried on January 15th,2005. This was the date of our first date. It was great, I wanted tropical so I bought a lighted palm tree we were married underneath it with our kids beside us in my living room. Everybody in shorts and tshirts. I live in Chicago so it was very cold. It was the greatest day of my life. We just continued to blossom from their.

We couldn't wait til we could spend eveyday together cause we loved to hang together! He was too young for god to take. my orignal anniversary was August 29th, I had to let him go on August 28th. I have made it thru my anniversary, labor day and my birthday all wihthin one week of his death. It's not fair, it's so unbelievable to me. I think I'm still in shock. I feel like I have one of those great love stories. Our souls were never meant to be apart. We found each other again. How many people do you know that get married, divorced, an remarried and are happier than ever? We were the exception. For all of that I'm thankful. But I'm angry at god. For the first time in 47 years there is no one to take care of me and that scares me have to death. I miss my Christopher I want him to so come back to me so we can continue our life. I was robbed of such a beautiful man. Don't get me wrong he could be a real prick sometimes, too many martinis but he was my prick!! Christopher was who he was and I loved everything about him. He was kind, generous, smart loved and lived life to the fullest and a great provider. We were living good and having a great time together! Now what does god want me to do? We always joked there was no other woman that would put up with him. I feel good I shared this with you all, I'm going to have some breakfast now and figure out what I'm going to do today. Saturday is no longer a fun day for me because were not hanging out.

[armaiti]

Today's muffins are pear/pecan muffins...and the coffee is organic Sumatran.

I went out last night to hear a group that plays near-east and Sufi music. There were a lot of friends who came out for it, and we ate pizza and danced and sang along with the songs we knew. I realized something after I got home...I can still go out and have fun, have a good time, but there is certain feeling of "happy" that is gone. No matter what I do, or where I go, that is missing. I used to wake up every morning and feel so happy and grateful for Ishaq in my life, even with the health problems and the worries. It was this warm, peaceful feeling that all was right in my world, and that is gone. After fourteen months I can function better in the world, and I can actually get out and do performances with the band again without feeling like I just want to run away and hide from everyone. And I can dance again, which was hard in the beginning. So there are some things that are easier as time goes on, but I sure miss that feeling, that happy warm feeling, of waking up in the morning and rolling over to put my arm around Ishaq and snuggle for a while before the alarm went off and he went to work. Or on the weekend, knowing that we didn't have to get up early and could spend the morning reading the paper, him with Akbar our cat on his lap, planning what fun things we'd do that day. I sure do miss that, among all the other things about him I miss....

Blessings,

Anna

[crushedheart]

Sounds good to me Anna....never had Sumatran coffee before...always stuck with the good ol Folgers...Sounds like you've come a long way Anna...that makes me smile..I know I'll be there one day ...or in Heaven with my sweetheart...I've been keeping myself really busy around here ..that helps keep my mind off my hubby for a while...key word there is *a while* I don't eat much any more and the weight has melted off of me ...those muffins will come in handy ..and they sound yummyyyyyyyy..

Diane good to see you here...and sharing your feelings with us ..and like you Sat is no longer OUR day either...use to be ...if nothing else..my husband and I would sit on the porch swing and watch our grandkids swim in the pool...I miss all those special moments...I miss the coffee and chats we use to have...Oh so much we all are missing right now...I even miss the arguments....I don't have anyone to let off steam to ...

[grannyc]

I am jumping back a few postings, hope that's okay!?

Hi all,

I am having trouble today getting my post to get on the board. Twice I have hit "Post Now" and they disappear, and I have not run out of the time alotted. So, I'll write and paste it in, at least then I won't have to keep rewriting if it won't post, I'll have a copy saved.

Well, I have some questions/situations: here goes>

I've been reading some of the let downs with "Let me know if you need anything or I can do anything for you" That we all hear at our spouses services and then, where are they??

~~~About 14 years ago, my husband, Tim (died 7-10-06)

gave a friend of ours $1000 to help him start a business and possibly patent a few things he'd been working on. The agreement, we got in writing was that upon this starting to make $$$$ we would receive the $$$$ and a return percentage of the profit for a couple years, etc. it reads. Well, it wasn't long after that -that they visited us in our home and were telling us that in that partial year they had earned $60,000 off one of the things he had sold to the City Transit Company. They both kept their fulltime jobs, also. End of Subject.

Tim & I were both flabbergasted that nothing was said about our share. I wanted to call them after they left and discuss this, but at the time Tim said let it go, they have to live with themselves we don't. Well, as time went on this ate at me, so I did call him and asked him, he said "Oh, we used your $$$$ for set up and prep so we never earned any $$$$ off of it to pay you." WHAT?

Well now let's jump ahead to Tim's death. They both told me "if there was ever anything I needed to let them know." Recently its been coming to mind and at a visit with a mutual friend and some family that knew of this I was prodded and encouraged that now IS the time to remind them of this. So, I did: graciously, politely write an e-mail three weeks ago telling them 'God has been good to my son and I since Tim's death, but we really could put that $1000 to good use right now.'(we moved into our present home 9 months before Tim's death, this home made Tim's life much easier physically) There are things we never got at before Tim died and emotionally I just couldn't get into after Tim's death. Well, 3 weeks has now passed with no response.

This week Thursday & Friday his political forwards started coming to me again. I don't know. . .I am toying with the thought of resending the e-mail, this time to both their e-mail addresses and adding the note "does NO response give me an answer?"

Any advice or thoughts? I'd appreciate.

GrannyCheryl

[grannyc]

Hey, its me again, GrannyC

~My life seems to be complicating recently. I need any of you, who believe God hears our prayers to keep my nephew, Tom in prayer. He is in the Hospital, attached to a respirator and in an induced coma for his safety.

He was admitted last Wed. unconscious after having a grand maul seizure.

~Since he's been 11 yrs old, he received a head injury playing football and has dealt with seizures. Never any grand maul. Then later in his life he underwent a surgery to try and numb the part of the brain that the seizures come from, something went terribly wrong and he has been partially paralized on the right side ever since. Through much work on his part, he is able to walk. Next Tuesday, 10-9 he will be 40.

~Well, last wednesday, he took the bus to do something. His girlfriend went to his appartment to make them supper. When Tom hadn't returned by 10 p.m. She started calling hospitals and found him in one. All we know is that he must have rode the bus through at least an entire route or so and when the busdriver approached him to see where he was going. He found him to be dazed and unresponsive~ shortly there after he went into a grand maul seizure, we are guessing an ambulance was called and he was then admitted to the hospital. He has not regained consiousness.

They are keeping him in an induced coma; everytime they adjust his meds and try to bring him up he seizures before he is even alert. He is in critical condition and with the possibility of brain damage having already occurred. He is a very kind, gentle fellow, who has not had the easiest road in life. . .

~like I previously requested all prayers for his return to us, ( healthy ), will very much be appreciated.

Sincerely,

GrannyCheryl ^j^

[crushedheart]

Granny I am a Firm Believer in God am also a Prayer warrior...even tho I was miffed at God for taking my husband...I ask his forgiveness...and Yes I will be praying for your nephew..I know what being on a respirator is all about as well..My husband was on one for almost a week before he passed away ..He did how ever come off that machine and was doing fine for about 15 hours...we thought ..OH we just knew he was going to be alright ..He ate...joked around with the doctors ...ask when he would be going home...did all of the normal things to give us HOPE ..then 15 hours later that night ..he flat lined and was gone ..My Life ended...Tom will most certainly be prayed for tonight ..I'll call my other prayer partners as well...

Granny all I can say about those 2 so called friends ...Yes I'd try the no responce email...if that doesn't work ..I'm like Tim ..if they can live with it you can live without it ..Their day will come ..The Bible tells them to take care of the widows and orphans...and that's what we are now...Let's see what kind of concience they have ..

[lauraa]

O.K. Everyone:

What do you all do when your feeling so low and so angry with god for taking your loved from you? When you ask god why? Why him? What the hell did he do to deserve what he got? What the hell did I do? Why do our kids have to suffer so because they lost their role model? Why do we have to suffer so? Why did we find soul love only to have to wake nite after nite in disbelief of it all and grieve til our hearts could stop? Why do friends abandon us through our grief?

What do you all do when you are so low and filled with anxiety and so tired of pushing yourselves so hard day in and day out to go on? Is anyone exhausted like me? Does it feel like you will never be whole again? Do you feel all alone in this world even though you have people around? Do you wake at night just sad out of your mind with grief?

I am so tired of this but I know it is a process and one we need to go through but I am just so damn tired. It has just been a really low week for me and I wake at night just feeling so alone. Or whenever I get a chance to be alone, it just hits me everytime.

Tell me you feel this too so that I don't feel so alone with my feelings. I am still angry with god. I believe but still am so angry.

You all are with me daily.

[airymoon]

granny- most lawyers will do a first consutation free. i would see one and see if that letter will hold up in court and then if the answer is yes, i would have them look at what you are entitled to receive. and then go from there. I dont think i would worry about losing that friendship it seems like it was lost long before your husband died. I will pray for your nephew. Im not sure that god listens to me anymore i used to think he did and i would tell peope god will listen to me not in an arrogant way but confident that he was there. Not so sure now but i will still pray for you and him.

Anna i too miss my kurt and i miss feeling happy. there was a few times i was shocked to feel a sort of happiness but still something was missing. I would love to reach the day when i can feel that contented happiness again. i guess in time i will but not yet.

Laurra-what do you do when your that angry at god. I yelled and screamed and hated him. I am still angry at him and a lot of others. I aske for his forgiveness for my anger and then i tell him i am trying to forgive him and understand why i cant know why he took Kurt or at least didn't stop him from dieing. And i pound things. I punched holes in walls and i broke things a lot. I tried to see the bright side of things but i couldn't and still cant. I am bitter and i am angry i dont know what you do i just know i let myself be angry and tried not to take it out on others. Mostly i come here. But please know you are not alone. I want to know why my husband who never hurt anybody and never did any wrong was taken and drug addicts and dealers and child predators are still here hurting and using people. why him and not them? why not me he was so much better than me and needed to be here for my kids so much more than i did. someone told me it is there pennance to live on earth when they are not such good people and since kurt was good it was his reward to go to heaven now. I guess i could try to take comfort in that for him but i think, bullshit because he would never have went if he had been given a choice. his reward should have been here with his kids and his daughter that he wanted so badly. he only got 7 years with her not nearly enough time to give her everything he talked about and wanted. not enough time with the boys and not enough time for us. Yes i am angry and i want to know why.We may never know god's reason and its not our place to ask---sorry not good enough this time too many people are hurt by his death and gods choice. too many lives affected. i feel like a pawn in some cosmic game god is playing and i want to know why.

ok sorry to turn that into a rant

good night everyone

becky