I Miss Him So...

[lindat]

Steph, With the Katrina thing and my situation, therapy on a local level is impossible even if I was willing to do it. My friends are scattered throughout the US - all hoping to go home someday, but it is looking less likely all the time that we will ever be together again. The only venue for me to get the help, hope, and comfort that I need is right here. I am eternally grateful to all of you that get me through every day.

[airymoon]

steph your welcome for the poem i read it several times a week now,it gives me comfort. i had a chance to talk to the man i was seeing and i got to tell him all of the things i was feeling anger and all and it was actually good.Closure i guess. I told him i still wanted to be friends because we have known each other so long but i was not ready yet to be just friends so i wouldn't be talking on line or taking his calls for a while. i need to be able to have some control in the situation. i think for a while ill just enjoy my kids and try to laugh a little more.whatever happens is going to happen and i just have to trust in that.

Everybody has been telling me to try counseling but the idea of sitting in a room full of strangers and opening myself up feels too awkward and wrong for me. being here on this board has felt right from the beginning. I feel like i know everybody and being able to bare my soul and not be seen is a safety thing i guess. and yet i feel like if we were to all end up in the same area for whatever reason we would know each other without ever being introduced or seeing each other before. I truly thank god for this sight and each of you every day. Thank you all for all of your support and understanding.

Becky

[missyouhoney811]

Aprilmoonflower - Where Are You????

[armaiti]

Becky, I have some friends (who are therapists) who have tried to push me to see a therapist as well. And other friends who support my choice to NOT see one. I have always felt that the relationship I have with Ishaq now is quite different from the way a therapist would see it. His visitations in dream-space, and leaving me feathers and stones and all the other mystical parts of my relationship with him now, I felt those would be diluted by see a therapist who might not believe or understand. So I've stayed away. I have enough friends who belive in life after death stuff to listen and support me on this. You need to do what is right for you, not what others want you to do!

Blessings,

Anna

[missinmyhubby]

Hi all....

I agree with Anna...one has to do what is right for yourself. I sought out one counselor while I still lived in Nevada. The day before my first appointment I saw her at the local hospital (I was the Unit Secretary for the ER) and over heard a conversation she was having with another nurse. When I heard her say that "children from a divorced home have it far worse then those that come from a home where a parent is deceased...", I decided to call and cancel our appointment. I felt she was NOT going to understand a thing we were all going through, and clearly she had not been there.

Sorry I am so sporadic in my writing...things are still so hectic with the new move and job. To top it all off, they sent me home sick yesterday and today I am off to see a new doctor to get some meds. They won't let me fly until I am better. I read all the posts daily and there are so many things to respond to, just not enough time. You are all in my thoughts and prayers!!! (((HUGS)))

Angel

[airymoon]

thank you anna and angel i am just not comfortable with therapy i feel like all they are going to tell me i already know. i dont mean that the way it sounds and i think if you are going to therapy and it is what you need to do then great i tried to get my son to go because he refused to talk to any one but he just wouldnt talk to the therapist so maybe it runs in the family. i do have friends who are seeing therapists for whatever reason and they are helping them but if you can become comfortable than i dont think it will work. I'm having a hard time lately with everything. I have done a lot of soul searching and i realize that one of the reasons i fell for this man so easy was that he was part of my past with my husband and we had an instant connection. thats not a bad thing at all but for me it may have clouded my judgements. things that normally would have been red flags i refused to acknowledge because of it. I dont know?!? You know the game Whack-a-mole? I feel like one of the moles i keep popping up out of my dark hole but someone or something keeps hitting me back down. sometimes the hits are very hard. i have been having a lot of anger lately and i dont know where it is coming from. it is just so over the top. I cant seem to get any peace or quiet time my kids are always with me and i mean with me not even 3 feet away. My 15 year old has become pretty protective of me. He was going to go to a footballgame yesterday but then changed his mind i think because he didn't want me to be home alone. Even now he followed me to the computer and is reading over my shoulder. i dont want him to think he has to take care of me and we talked about it yesterday. So hopefully once schools out he will find things to occupy his time. im going to go listen to a nature cd and try to relax. Guess ill just keep trying to get out of the hole until i get to be the one the hammer misses.angel i can understand how people would think that about a divorced family the shuffling back and forth and all but wow what i wouldn't give for my kids to have the opportunity to be shuffled to their father. In a divorce you can amend the way things are handled to make it better or easier for the kids not in death death is final though and kids seem to deal with it better than adults. I dont think one is better than the other just different for each one there are different but maybe equal pain i dont know i've never been through a divorce but if the therapist had already decided i wouldn't have seen her either

becky

[justamom]

Hi girls, I just wanted to pop in with my 2 cents.... take it for whatever it is worth or don't. My therapist is an Anasazi Indian, who is the most spiritual person I have ever encountered in my entire life. She helped me connect with Steve and myself on many different levels. She also is completely non judgemental (which I have discoivered that many people think that they are nonjudgemental and really are very!) She was such a good, safe, place for me to go and just talk - about any and everything. Not just about Steve'e death but about everything that I had been thinking. Steve's dying did bring up alot of things from my childhood - I am a child of divorce and I have a huge fear of abandonment that is amplified when the 1 person you trust and care about dies on you! Many of my friends have talked about what is harder - Divorce or death and honestly I think in alot of ways divorce is worse. At least the person who died didn't mean to hurt their family. Me and my children know that Steve loved us unconditionally and that he still does. I certainly don't think that therapy is for everyone but I know that there are alot of good therapists out there who don't all ascribe to the typical "lay down on my couch and Iam going to fix you" kind of therapy. I think that it is like any kind of Dr. Dentist, caregiver or friend you have to pick one that you have a connection with and that you respect and that respects you. My brain was really messed up after my accident and she literally saved my sanity.

Hope you all are doing okay. Take Care, Lisa

[justlost]

I made a memorial web-site.

http://gregory-davis.virtual-memorials.com/

[airymoon]

lisa i know there are good therapists out there i hope i didn't sound like i ididn't. i just am not comfortable with speaking in a group and baring my soul in front of people i dont like for people to see me cry. i am more comfortable here where i can speak openly. It is definately a safety thing for me. maybe one on one would be better but i am not brave enough to try it. And what i really like about this board is i am talking with people who truly understand or will try to, have and are living it with me, and do not try to tell me what is best for me and try to fix things for me, yet are willing to give their opinions and advice and support for me to use however i need to. thank you all for that. I'm just curious and it doesn't really matter but have you been through a divorce? I have alot of family members who have and i see the similarities and differences but i cant talk to them because they cant see both sides. i bet if we put a person who has lost her husband to a death and a person who has lost her husband to divorce face to face they would go tit for tat on this, and i am willing to bet the list would be go one forever. In the end though they are both losses. I really hope i am not sounding hostile or argumentative. I dont mean it that way, really. just thinking out loud i guess.

[justamom]

Airymoon, I am not taking you hostile or argumentative at all! I think that this is a great conversation. I did (and do) individual therapy, the group thing wasn't for me - partially because I was SO non functonal in the beginning. I suffered from severe post traumatic syndrome and was completely irrational, couldn't sleep and the doctors had me on SO many meds that I was almost catatonic. One of the first things that she did was help me to get off of ALL of those drugs, which I really hated. I really did feel very open and honest and able to say anything to her that I wanted to. My therapist never told me what to do and she was very upfront about not being able to fix anything for me - I had to do it myself and she gave me the tools to do that. She has ended up being a very close person in my life. I myself have not been divorced, my parents are divorced and both of my brothers have been divorced more than once. The man that I am dating is in the middle of a horrible divorce and I completetly agree with you, both situations are completely unbearable, and you grieve over both. I was just trying to comment on what Angel had to say about overhearing the comment that the therapist made about children coming from divorce having it worse. I do think that in some ways it might be worse. My 9 year old son did make the comment right after Steve died " well at least you guys will never get divorced" so somewhere in his mind that would have been worse. Both of my best friends lost 1 of their parents when they were the same ages as my boys were and they have both talked about thinking how lucky divorced kids were compared to them. I just think that it is so hard for anyone in either situation and I really try to see all perspectives of any situation. I am so glad that you are doing better and that this board is helping you. We all need something and whatever works for each of us is all that matters. I hope you have a good day and weekend, the holiday weekends are always hard for me. Take care, Lisa

[sidvis]

I too had counseling for about 8 months after my husband committed suicide. I also took an anti-anxiety, anti-depressant medication. Both helped me so much! I no longer take anything or see the counselor. If I thought I was slipping back into a depression I would not hesitate to resume treatment. I suffered no ill side effects or problems stopping the medication, therefore I believe I had excellent care from my doctors. I guess I am lucky.

[samrtb]

i am currently seeing a therapist on a one-on-one basis and i love her, it has been one of the most constant, helpful and supportive things in my life since russ has passed away. however, i did go through three therapists in a short four months before finding her, so i know that even individual therapy can be difficult, as you dont always get someone who has the same life experiences, is as understanding, supportive or shares the same beliefs. i think we forget that therapists are humans too, and as much as they are taught to be objective, they still bring their own lives and experiences to the table. i consider myself very lucky to have found a therapist who i can trust and confide in as much as i do. i have alot of supportive friends, but not supportive in the right way(and i try not to get angry, because i know they havent been through anything like this before, but it is certainly hard.....), so it is nice to have somone who is just there to help, and telling me what to do, or complaining because im not "fun steph" anymore. but i do understand how hard it is to find someone that works. i am also on medication, an anti depressant and anti anxiety for the panic attacks i've been having. i find that they help immensely. i tried to go off them a few months ago because i too didnt want to be on medication, but i had a really tough time. even friends noticed a difference, so i think that for now medication is right for me, although i dont want to be on it forever. and like i posted before, this website has been another huge help in getting through this as best i can. i understand the idea behind group therapy, but like we all agree, it is intimidating to pour your heart out in front of a group of strangers, and the last thing any one of us needs is more stress or discomfort. so that is why i love this site, because i can post without judgement, and know that everyone here is supportive and understanding.

as for the death vs divorce thing, i think airymoon is right, you could go tit-for-tat. my parents got divorced, and i never was that upset over it because i felt they were better apart, but i did see what my mother went through. she was grieving over it for years. however, she doesn't have any comprehension of what i am going through right now, and trying to make her understand has pretty much ended the strained relationship we already had. so i dont know, i can definitely see both sides. but i will add this, and i hope this doesn't upset anyone, because it is certainly not meant to, but i dont always think that death means that you know they still loved you....and im saying that because my boyfriends death, it has not been determined if it was accidental, due to his illness, or if it was suicide. and i go back and forth between thinking which one it could have been, but no one will ever know. and on the days when i feel he killed himself, i dont feel that he loved me at all because he knew how much i loved him, and knew that it would devastate me to lose him, whether to death or otherwise, and he chose to leave. but i dont know, like i said i go back and forth, half of me thinks he loved me too much to ever do that to me, but the other half knows that if someone is struggling or ill, they arent always thinking clearly, as i certainly know i have thought about suicide many times since his death.

anyways, i hope all is well with everyone, and thanks again for always listening.....

steph

[samrtb]

ps in re-reading my post i mean that my therapist is NOT telling me what to do, haha. also, justlost, i looked at your boyfriends memorial last night and it is beautiful :-)

[Guest Guest]

Hi Everyone,

Just joined today .... I'll try and fit in here and just start typing >smile<

Blaine - my better half... passed away August 3 and my dad passed away August 6th....(my job went away on August 9th). Both were sudden, both were violent.

IRONICALLY...I AM a therapist ... Even therapists need other groups and other therapists... in essence we all need each other in similar experiences to get through this together...so when we spend time alone with ourselves it's more manageable... don\'t you think >wink< ?

Whatever works is what works best, right? Even my experiences of losing four children many years ago...still leads me to wanting as much help as I can get now.

I have been blessed to find all of you.Thank you to all of you...just in these brief moments here on this site have helped more than anyone has all month. I look forward to our comradery here...and feel free to email me privately as well....

Please take care of yourselves....

Kindness & Compassion,

MGrayce

[aprilmoonflower]

Angel- I am still hanging around! just not posting much due to my current situation (ie;DH pshyco webstalking family!!!!)

things are pretty well though. we have been busy. me with school and we have joined lots of groups (homeschool, holistic moms, single parenting). I have met some new people this summer, so that's been nice. I feel almost like a person again.

[samrtb]

airymoon, your analogy about the "whack a mole" game is probably the best one i have heard in a long time. thats exactly how i feel. everytime i feel like im coming out of this fog, something, usually grief, hits me like a hammer in the head. and if its not grief that initially knocks me out, it follows soon after cuz i miss his support during tough times so much.....its like, where do i go because he was always the one i turned to when things went wrong?

"what do you do when the only one who could dry your tears is one who is causing your tears?"

ugh i am having a really tough day,im sorry.

[missinmyhubby]

Hey April...That was Dorothy asking about you...I know, our names are pretty similar. LOL....Sorry to hear about that nice little family of yours..ack. However, it is good to hear that you are out and about. Miss ya!

Here is a tear jerking song by Lorrie Morgan:

I wouldn't know what to say

I wouldn't know what to do

If you came back from heaven

And I could look at you

Would I fumble for the words?

Would I be a little shy?

Would I bust right out with laughter?

Or break right down and cry?

Oh,if you came back from heaven

Would it be like it was then?

Could we just pick up,where we left off

And try it all again?

Oh,if you came back from heaven

It would freeze me in my tracks

And I hope God knows,if he let you go

I'd never send you back

Do your kisses feel the same?

Do you still have the same touch?

And will you whisper softly

'Coz you've missed me so much?

Have you heard all my prayers

When I lay down at night?

And did you feel my body

When I held your pillow tight?

Oh,if you came back from heaven

Would it be like it was then?

Could we just pick up,where we left off

And try it all again?

Oh,if you came back from heaven

It would freeze me in my tracks

And I hope God knows,if he let you go

I'd never send you back

And if,God forbid,you leave this earth again while I see

I hope he knows if you go you'll be bringing me

Oh,if you came back from heaven

Would it be like it was then?

Could we just pick up,where we left off

And try it all again?

Oh,if you came back from heaven

It would freeze me in my tracks

And I hope God knows,if he let you go

I'd never send you back

[Error username not found]

thats funny cuz sometimes when im about to go to bed i picture if i were to see him and he were to come into my room right now wut would i really do and how would i really react. -- that would be nice.

[samrtb]

that song really is heartbreaking. bacafly, havent seen you on in a while, how are things going? i can relate to your post, i try to imagine all the time what it would be like if russ was alive again.....i dont know what i would do except faint....

[justamom]

Hi Angel, I LOVE that song it does make me cry though! Lorrie Morgan had a great song a few years ago about picking out outfits in different colors for special events in her life. I love that song too. Hope you are doing well. Lisa

[airymoon]

angel that song was beautiful. I dont know if i would want kurt back unless he could stay i wouldn't want to lose him again. I used to say i would give anything to have him back for one day or one hour but now i dont think i would because i would have to make sure his kids got to be with him and his family whom we haven't heard from for four months i think. what would i say and how could i say it all in enough time. i wouldn't want to share him i wouldn't want to let him go again and i would spend the time wondering how much time was left before he had to leave. The only way I could do it was if i didn't remember he had died and didn't know he would be leaving again. Samrtb i am sorry you are having a bad day. i have been having a bad week(has it only been a week) and i wish i could make your day better. The man i was seeing lets just call him T called and asked if i would meet him and see if we could be friends like a fool i did. We talked and i told him we could be friends but i wasn't there yet because i was angry and i had let my gaurd down and he hurt me i think istill love him if i ever really did i dont know about that yet. Then the next day he had some things for me and when he gave them to me they were a gumball ring he had given me as apre engagement ring and a pic we had taken together he had it framed for me to put on my desk at work. I wasa like WHAT HUHWHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. he said he was only trying to be nice and wanted me to have good memories. I will tell you that i started seeing him as a friends 5 months after kurt died he was a big comfort and i thought we had grown closer together. Anyway today he left for a vacation with his ex and their child the vacation i was supposed to go on. but remember he is trying to put his family back together so whatever... I called and asked if he could leave the "protection" i had bought where i could get it and i would lock his door. I dont really need it or want it but i wanted to make him think i did because he hurt me. would you believe that he left me a note that said I hope you never use these with anybody but me. what the hell? I left him a not so nice little note back. He told me last night that it was hard trying to fix his family because he wanted a life with me so bad. I told him that was something he had to work through and he better be honest with himself and his wife and their counselor. I told him that he would need to choose between us and he chose her but if he cant do it then he needs to tell her for their daughters sake. either way i am not going to wait for him to decide he wants me how arrogant is he. I know he's confused but so am i and i dont need any of this. I feel like a fool because i reached out to him and trusted him. I know part of the reason it all happened so quickly was because i needed to feel something besides the pain i was feeling and i knew him so.........also my judgement was clouded so i didn't see the red flags i usually would have I have blocked his instant messaging and i am going to try not to answer his phone calls and i did delete all his e mails that told me how much he loved me. actually before i deleted them i e mailed the file to him. I can be a little mean when i get hurt. there are so many emotions going on in my head. one thing is i really liked being out and being held again and having people think of me as part of a couple the other is no way do i ever want to go through this again and how week am i that i cant just ignore him completely..........uugghhhh!!!! i do think a friendship that you had with your husband can becaome love just not this one i guess. I am sorry to write so much but i have nobody else. The other thing is how can i still miss my husband so much and cry because T left me. I know one of us has re married or is seeing one of her friends that she had with her husband and im sorry but i have been out of touch so long that i cant remember who but i would love to hear from you please. i had read a back post that said you didn't have to explain your situation to him he already knew i know exactly where your coming from.

[Error username not found]

samrtb - im doing better.

itz almost 1 year now and it makes me sick to my stomach and my teeth feel cold and hot. itz hard to describe.im better though.i obviously still think of him everyday but at least i can go out in public and seem ok. i lost alot of weight around that time and its taken me since then to gain 8 pounds.hey at least im getting there.i feel stuck.im in a situation i wanna fix but but its impossible. i hope people go somewhere when they die cuz i really want to see him again.also ive seen alot of people saying theyve moved on. my question is..after how long? i read a statistic and it actually said that men are more likely than woman to get with another person right after their spouse/partners death. who knowz how true that is but anyway..hope everyones good.goodnight.

[samrtb]

bacafly - im glad you're doing a little bit better. i know you and i came on here around the same time, so we're both approaching one year. im in a weid place where i grieve him every day, but most days i can still go out and function. there are definitely those nights though, where i have to leave wherever i am to avoid being a crying mess in public. i lost a ton of weight as well....size 0's were falling off of me.....it wasnt good. the weirdest thing though was that even after i started eating normally again, it took me months to gain even a little bit back. stress does weird things to your body. but if you're still having trouble eating, one thing that was suggested to me was drinking like, ensure (or something like it). they're not the best tasting things in the world but it at least gets something into your system.

i hope people go somewhere when they die too. im not overly religious, but its something ive been exploring since he died, given how religious he was, but i dont 100% believe that he is "somewhere" and that is really hard.

anyways, i have to go, i hope everyone has a good day

[airymoon]

i believe that people go somewhere. They have to otherwise kurt is just gone. I've had too many weird things happen to me since he died. so i do believe his spirit lives on. bacafly, my one year mark was june 19. it was not as hard as i thought it would be but the nest day was a hard one. I dont know if i've moved on so much as moved through. I think i went more sideways than forward. I also think you have to asscept the life your in, really accept it before you can go anywhere. the amount of time is different for everyone. I told somebody once that i had to get comfortble in my life without kurt first and then i had to be able to live by myself before i could move ahead. Kurt and i had talked about what we would do if anything happened to either one of us. He told me he wold not want me to live the rest of my life sad. He said if i were to stop living because he died it would his fault and he wouldn't be able to be at rest. So i try, but it is hard. I feel like if i can be happy i will be honoring kurt memory and his wishes. I also think what would i want him to do if it were reversed. also i think it depends on wether or not you have regrets about your life with him. I dont have any.Luckily we had fixed most of our problems before he died and it was like we were first married again. for about a month then he was gone. the amount of time is different for everyone. i started seeing someone about 6 months after he died first as friends but then later as more, but i didn't tell anyone. I realize now a lot of it was out of a need to feel something and to try to stop thinking about him it didn't work and now im hurting again. i had to decide i wanted to be happy and i was sick and tired of feeling the way i did. then i had to do something about it. i put my energy into work and kids and i am doing better but there are days the pain of losing my husband is so bad i feel like im right back to the day he died. It is different for everyone and moving anyway is good as long as its not backward to far. take your life one minute at a time until you feel you can handle more. i hope you have a better day.

love becky

[armaiti]

Cheif Seattle wrote: "There is no death, there is only a change of form." And our Sufi teacher Inayat Khan has written similar things. I wasn't sure about it all until after Ishaq crossed over, and I started to meet him in dreams and talk to him. They weren't dreams in the normal sense, but meetings in a different place, it's hard to describe, but there was big difference between the regular dreams and what I learned where called "visitation dreams". Interestingly, I've never felt sad or upset when I wake up from these dreams. They are comforting and healing for me, and Ishaq has taught me a lot about what awaits on the other side, at least for he and I. I believe that the life after death can be very different for different people depending on what you believe. Since he and I had similar beliefs, it made sense that we could still communicate even when he didn't have a body.

Some people see their beloveds, some hear them, some have signs like things changing in the house, etc. I have complete faith that Ishaq lives on. I used to be scared that he would move on, disappear, but it still comes to me even after a year, though not as frequently as he did in the first few months. He's busy learning and experiencing too, I think. Learning.

As for moving on, I have no desire to be with another man. I still am so in love with Ishaq that there is no way I could be with someone else. I don't think he minds this, though I know he's sad that I'm lonely a lot of the time. But I'm 52 and want to learn how to live as just me too. I've been writing a lot more lately, short stories, and that feels good. I always wanted to be a published writer, but I was so busy with Ishaq and our life together that I never seemed to sit down and focus on it. Now I am, and I think he's proud of what I'm doing.

Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend,

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

i'm not feeling the "is no death thing" today,

and the only change of form i want is him back.

huge nasty sigh,

michele

[airymoon]

mishknit...so sorry your feeling down I wish kurt were back too. ive thought about having him back and i wish it could happen some days i think ive got it down being without him and then i see something or his picture and im missing him all over again. i know people think that because i was seeing someone i dont miss him or i dont have the right to. but i do and i miss him more because if he were here i wouldn't have seen anyone else let alone someone i thought would always understand and remind me of kurt. its more like i was distracted for a while and when i came back it started all over again. sometimes i think i dont care about life after death because im still here and i have who knows how long befor i can see him again. but hten i really do care and i ask for visits all the time from him. some times i get fleeting ones and sometimes he just follows me in the dream and its not even a dream he belongs in. his presence doesnt make sense to the dream. I just know i miss him more now than yesterday. hopefully it will ease a little because it is getting hard again.

becky

[Error username not found]

Hi everyone. Im in the middle..or something like that. There are times that things happen around me where it is unmistakably him and i feel happy..but then there are so many times when i feel like therez just nothing. for example on valentines day i smelled roses really strong but there was none around..but on my birthday..which he is usually the 1st person to say happy birthday to me..i got nothing..so i cried because he wasnt the 1st one this year and i didnt get anything from him so i figured he cant do anything and that death is just death. -- so i dont know. i mean as far as moving on, me and him never talked about that.we used to say that if we broke up..and got with other people..that we would always wish it was eachother..so just based on that is where i think he deserves for me to be his forever. Im 20 years old now..and it may be a very long time before i see him again..but i heard from something that it seems like forever for us until we die..but to them((the people who are already dead)) it seems like 5 minutes..so eh i duno how im gonna be or who im gonna be when im 40..but for now i plan to stay his only. and i dont think anyone is wrong for doing otherwise.. everybody IS different and whatever helps you is what is right for you. =) Goodnight everyone. Hope you all dream of the person u lost tonight!! i know i always hope i do.

[samrtb]

there have been a million times where i think i have received a sign from him, but i dont ever think ive had a "visitation dream". i wish every night that i could have one, but so far i havent i dont think. ive had dreams about him, but usually they are unpleasant, about his death, etc. and even the good ones, they are more about him, then like talking to him or anything, kinda like airymoon said, where his presence doesnt really make sense. but i always wake up sad and missing him. i hate that he can be in my head, but not here with me. and bacafly, i get upset too if i dont have any signs from him for a while. my mind starts spinning and i think he's either forgotten about me or there weren't any signs to begin with, just my imagination. and i also have a long way to go before i see him. his mom and i were talking about that, and she's in her fifties and sad because it seems like forever, and to thin ktat i have another twenty five years or so after her makes me really sad. i jsut wish i could talk to him once, find out if he's ok, tell him i love him, etc. i miss him so much :-(

[missinmyhubby]

Hello everyone….It seems like it’s been so long since I have been on and able to write anything except short inserts. I just want to say THANK YOU to all of you who have supported me and wished me well. What a wonderful support system we have here!!! Again, my deepest and most sincere appreciation. And as always to the newest members, my thoughts and prayers are with you on this difficult road ahead.

I am sitting here wondering should I go all the way back to June when I left and start rereading, or do I jump right into the current topic at the moment…maybe a little of both?

Dorothy - reading back I saw where you asked if anyone knew what “widow” meant, so I looked it up. I read different material regarding different cultural backgrounds and how widows lived. Apparently, this term has been around for a long time. It was never made clear where or how it came about, but gave basically the same definition no matter what I read: IN BRIEF: n. - A woman whose husband is dead.

(from dictionary.com). The Webster dictionary definitions are as follows: 1 a : a woman who has lost her husband by death and usually has not remarried. Then there was dictionary.net: A woman who has lost her husband by death, and has not married again; one living bereaved of a husband. I know this doesn’t answer your question as to where the term came from, but it gives you different definitions that basically say the same thing….our spouses are gone. Interestingly enough, there were other definitions as well that talked about widow’s being a persons who husband left for long periods of time for things such as work or sports (ex. A golf widow.) Also, something was mentioned about card game rules, etc…blah blah. However, it does seem to stem mostly from a biblical nature.

While I was looking around for an answer for Dorothy I found and article…inside of it was this (it moved me): “Acceptance finally comes. And with it comes peace. Today I carry the scars of my bitter grief. In a way I look upon them as battle stripes, marks of my fight to attain an identity of my own. I owe the person I am today to (his) death. If he had not died, I am sure I would have lived happily ever after as a twentieth-century child wife never knowing what I was missing . . .But today I am someone else……”

Before I start a tirade on “where they go” I feel the need to clarify something else I wrote about in a hurry, therapy. I do believe in therapists, hence why I was seeking one out when DH passed. I was raised in a very dysfunctional home leaving me feeling anything but good about myself. I had no self-esteem….Until I was 18 and sought help. This wonderful lady helped me to realize my worth as a human being and to deal with the issues I had to date from my childhood. If it were not for her, I truly believe I would be a totally different adult. Now, she did not help me become perfect, but she did help make a magnificent change in who I was and am. After DH passed, I sought therapy through the phone book, churches, etc., but was unable to find any where we lived in Podunk Nevada. (One that I could afford at that time.) So, we did not get any help. When I met up with hubby of today, he had told me of a therapist he had seen through the Mental Health Department when his wife of 14 years split. Okay, first thing on my mind…Mental Health??? I never knew they had counseling for stuff like bereavement, just for really screwy people. Then it hit me: that would mean something is screwy with me…..NO **** SHERLOCK…lol. Once I came to terms with me being screwy, I made the appt. with the said lady from the ER in my last posting. I had to wait three months for that appt.!!! THERE MUST BE A LOT OF SCREWY PEOPLE IN THAT PODUNK PLACE!!! LOL. I was coming to terms with all of this and trying to clear my mind for her. I was really concerned that she would not “get” me and my screwy thoughts , or my kids, if she had not lived through loosing a spouse herself. I know you all know what I mean….So, to hear her say that about kids having it worse in a divorced situation than a deceased just sealed the deal for me. Not that I didn’t want or maybe still need some therapy, but just not with her. Nine months later, I found YOU…this has been the only source of therapy I have received and it has done wonders!!! I don’t have to go in front of others and cry, or talk to a dozen therapists before (and if) I find the “right” one…I come on here and let it all out and get tons of feedback from women who truly understand what I mean…I am probably still the furthers along here, but sometimes I just need you all still. BTW, as for the children from divorced vs. deceased…I think we all grief differently in ALL different situations and we all own our own pain. I do not believe that one has it worse then the other and I hope it didn’t come out that way. My first divorce was very amicable which I believe made the death of DH that much greater. But, for those who have had nasty awful divorces and drag the kids through so much crap, it could be harder. Again, for me it seems all circumstantial and individualized. I just didn’t “feel the love” oozing from the above mentioned therapist at that particular moment.

Well, I have taken up way too much space…so I will stop here shortly. We have in the past on here tried to take a reprieve every now and again to say something funny that we don’t have to put up with anymore from our DH’s, etc. Let’s see what we can do with the following from earlier in this post:

“But today I am someone else……” - Who are we now? What do we do differently in our personal lives? What have we learned from any of this? Etc. (For ex. Anna is writing again, I am spreading my wings with my flying career…) Let’s think positive, if only for a moment…. J

1) I am stronger today then I was then…It didn’t kill me! (one of my favorite sayings as you all know).

2) I take time out to understand others more and feel sympathy deeper then before.

3) I have a different, and I think better, perspective on lots of things….especially relationships I form with others. I don’t let nonsense in. It has limited some of my relationships. However, the ones that I hold dear now are true and meaningful. Garbage in, garbage out….harsh but true. I don’t have time for senseless drama, only true loving relationships.

4) I don’t take much for granted anymore…what’s here today may be gone tomorrow! This mainly being my relationships…husband, children and friends.

5) My new marriage…that’s a big one!!! I refuse to argue and say hurtful things….YOU CAN’T TAKE IT BACK ONCE THEY ARE GONE!!! Before I would let it all come out of my mouth! Now, I am very careful of what I say to the hubby of today during times of discontent. (this also goes for all my other relationships as well with the kids and friends)

In the early stages of this journey I could never have said it…but I HAVE become a better person as a result of his dying. It would be a waste if something positive didn’t happen as a result. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and though we might never know why as in times like these, it’s all a part of the bigger plan.

Peace and Chicken Grease for now….all my love….

Angel

[ripzuck]

Angel,

I usually don't post here, but do read from time to time. I found your post most interesting and was able to share a lot of your feelings.

This holiday week-end is particualrly difficult for me as I just returned this past Tuesday from a family visit to CA where two of my three children live, and New York feels very lonley today. I have become a stronger, more independent person, but would never have chosen to make the changes I've been forced to.

Yourpost validated very much what I'm feeling.

Thanks for sharing.

Rita

[armaiti]

Michele, I'm sorry if I upset you with what I wrote. Sometimes I think I shouldn't write about the dreams and stuff here because I'm sfraid I'll make others feel worse if they aren't dreaming of their beloveds. But the dreams are so much part of who I am, and who I've become, that I can't separate them my daily life. It's part of my spiritual practice to listen to signs and dreams, and to learn from them. I guess that's what I've become now - a person who lives in two worlds at the same time. It's the only way I know how to function. So if what I write upsets anyone, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to. I feel really comfortable here writing whatever I feel and I hope that's ok with you all.

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

Oh Anna...

Oh my gosh.....

I know my 'baby' rant was started by your post, but you have no idea how often i feel so pulled by your post, so wanting to believe them for myself. Do not ever apologize for what you say...your great faith, your experiences are teaching us all a dufferent way to look at all of this. we don't have to feel the same way any day or every day...I wouldn't have my "ancestor" table without you!

i was, am just really missing tom lately, back into the 'want him back" mode, and that was what my comment was about.

angel...

like rita said, i'm stronger in many ways, but would not in a milion years have chosed this.

and i go up and down, so for me to answer specifically would be very hard. am i a different person? yes. Is it necesarily a good thing? maybe not, maybe sometimes, maybe...whatever. i don't put up with the nonsense anymore, I don't have the time or ebergy to. but many times that just comes of as being bored, rude, or not caring. I have so much to get done, and do, but that leaves less time for my son, my friends, those i love. i miss the contact i used to have...and yet, the friends are all still there...i just have less time for them. i feel both more accomplished and more selfish at the same time...doe that make sense?

anyway...I have a big wedding today, will leave about noon and probably not be back until near midnight. my boy will be here doing ..what? videogames, tv, whatever. It should be our annual "end of summer' bash....in the pool, drinking margs, tom bbqing......

this second year has been harder, hitting those big dates. last year it was the anticipation, this year the reality that it will never be the same.

This week i've had to deal wth my son starting high school, without his dad, his bday is in a couple of weeks....it's just hard.

glad i can vent here..

peace, michele

[rodless]

I've been gone a couple of days and am catching up. If you happened to watch the Nebraska game I was in row 89 on the very top section of the very most corner section... I actually left at half because of the heat and sat in the student center and read a book. My son finished the game....we had a wonderful day together.

Anyway, on the subject do they live on? Yes, I believe so..in a different and marvelous way which we will also get to experience someday. Would I want him back from heaven? I don't think so because I would not want to lose him all over. Some days all that keeps me going is knowing I will be with him again.

On divorce vs. death ... both are extremely hard. Some parts of the grieving process are the same and some are different. I did not want my divorce 20+ years ago and I did a lot of angry grieving. So for me the death grieving has been easier. I know Rod would never have left by choice and the tears I shed are from sadness instead of fury and resentment. Each person's experience makes it a unique situation.

On what I have learned...some still from the divorce experience. I can be who I want to be and not rely on someone else to validate me. I can earn a living, run a household, raise children (even a boy) to be successful adults and I can spend a lot of time enjoying my own company. (That I would never have believed before the divorce!!) The best lesson: I CAN SAY NO and not agonize over it or make excuses for not doing something. All these things do not make me a perfect person but I am much better than I was.

On dating.. I'm not ready because like Anna I'm still so in love with the one I lost. I won't say never - again everyone is different - but not yet. Maybe never. It doesn't matter.

I think discussions like this are great as we support each other and give each other things to think about. Peace to all! Mary Jo

[ripzuck]

Angel, I have not remarried, can't even think of a relationship with another man and I've been a widow for 16 1/2 monhts, but I understood so well when you said that you think about whta you say more with your new husband, that is something I was working on, something which meant so much to me, but my husband's sudden death left me feeling robbed of those precious moments as we mellow together . I married my husbsnd at 21, was 61, when he died and still felt we ahd a lot of quality life left .

Michele, I also have many quesions about death and can't feel the certainty which many women do, that of seeing their husbands, either here or in the afterlife.

it's all mysterious to me.

Rita

[airymoon]

hi all! at first to hear some of you so young say you will never be with someone made me sad but then i thought wow how great to have that deep of a committment. im not saying those of us who have or will move on weren't committed to their husbands, not saying that at all. I am just amazed at the differences in all of us and at the similarities. My sister lost her husband when she was 26 and she is 38 now and has not remarried although she did date for a while and she did have a beautiful daughter. When i asked her about it she said i am still so in love with my husband that it wouldn't be fair to the other man. She also said she wasn't opposed to it happening but she was content to not be with someone again. For me i would like to fall in love again one day and i know i will never have another kurt but also if it does not happen then it was not meant to be. I think i have finally come to terms with that. I also think we each need to do what is right for us and not let anyone else judge it. As for the dreams they didn't come to me right away because the grief was too strong and then when i first started having them i would wake up so fast that he was gone. I have found that if i go to sleep and try to let my self open up to him they come more often. I was at first afraid of them because i would wake up and hurt so bad. the one dream that changed that for me was him trying to stay with me and the longer he stayed the worse he was, unhappy and hurting. I said to him you have to go dont you and he just nodded and then 2 people were carrying him up a long staircase and he was trying to get away from them. I called after him its ok you can go and he stopped struggling and let them take him. but he did look back at me and he was crying. I knew he didn't want to go but he had no choice same as in his death. after that if i dreamt about him and started to wake i would lay there and try not to open my eyes or move sometimes i feel his presence a little longer and sometimes i dont. What i have heard about time in the after life is... after a loved one dies it is a lifetime for us before we see them again but they will just be turning around. i dont think he has forgotten me if i dont get a visit i think he is busy learning or he hasn't realized how long its been since he visited. he never was very punctual so why change now.

Lets see what have i learned.........love harder i tell my kids all the time now i love them and if i am fortunate to ever meet someone again i will not let them doubt i love them. I try not to let the little stuff in. When kurt was alive we bought a whirl pool tub the only thing he wanted was for us to take a bath with candles and bubbles together. when he grouted the tub he left the grout on too long and couldn't get it off. i told him the bath would happen when the grout was cleaned. he asked one night if i wanted too and i said the grout's not cleaned. he was going to do it the following week but didn't make it, We never got the bath i would not do that again.....little things. Also i try to be more forgiving, I am more independent and I am more outgoing because i have to be. I have realized all the things i didn't appreciate about kurt that i should have so i try to in others now. do i like these changes.....yes would i have chosen this way to make them........HELL NO. i also have changed inways i do not like but that is another post.

love to you all and thanks

becky

[airymoon]

sorry ladies, i really need to shorten my posts i guess

[Error username not found]

hey evryone.im feelin like ****.i still expect this to end and him to come back but i guess not.wudever.

[sidvis]

When I first stared posting here I was so revolted by the thought that I could marry again. As I kept on reading and posting I learned from others that it is possible to love again. Someone once said that it is like loving your children. When your first born arrives you believe you could never love another child like him. In fact, I know I worried about it when I was pregnant with my second child. Then the second child arrives and you fall in love again just the same. You CAN love your children equally. I have found this to be the case now in my situation. It does not mean I love my husband less, or I am betraying our marriage to love and marry again.

I used to worry about seeing my husband again in the after-life. I mean, I so wanted it to be the same as it is here on earth. But how could it? He is forever changed and so am I. I believe we will not be together as husband and wife but as loving spirits united with others. What we will be doing I have no idea, but I choose to believe it will be nothing but joy and peace. Mark Twain was quoted as saying there is no laughter in heaven because there is no sadness there. .I've always thought that was an interesting comment. Laughter is such a release when you are so full of anguish. To be released from all anxiety and anguish, yes, that would be heaven.

[lauraa]

What have I learned from this? Let me think..........

Life isn't fair.

It really is about money for alot of people.

I always knew I was strong but survived something that I did not think I could.

It's true...we don't really know who our real friends are until we go through something like this.

I take better care of myself now "without" guilt.

I can't deal with "bullshit". And don't.

I say it the way it is.....always the truth.

I am myself as I always was and if no-one else likes it, well you know...too bad!

I honor my feelings through "my grief" the way I need to.

Everything I do is for the good and the right reasons.

I truely don't know if I could ever love like that again. A part of me was taken when I lost him......the love of my life!

I don't know where I am going or where I will land but I know I will.

I can handle being alone.

There's more...later!

[aprilmoonflower]

lauraa- I agree with everything on your list! definitely! it has taken me a long time to get there though!

[samrtb]

there are so many things i have learned/ways i have changed from this experience....

ive realized im stronger than i think i am

that i can be by myself

im more grounded

ive found who my true friends are

i try not to dwell on the little things......had so many stupid little fights with russ overy irrelevant things that i wish i could take back, so i try not to be that way in my relationships with others now

i think im more thoughtful, more understanding and empathetic, or at least i try to be...

i dont have time for bullshit or drama, and i no longer spend my time "people pleasing"....i focus on myself more

im less outgoing than i used to be, much more guarded

and i dont know if i could ever be with someone seriously again. ive tried dating, but it hasnt worked out because i am still so in love with russ. and i dont know that i see that changing, so i dont think it would be fair to another person. i guess i cant rule it out, but i can't imagine being with someone i loved as much as him......

anyways i hope you all had a fun labor day

steph

[lindat]

Because Terry died only 4 months after Katrina, and we were still evacuated when he passed - it feels like one event tied up together....

Things I have learned along the way..

Stuff doesn't matter, people matter.

It helps to work for a company that is nationwide and will let you

work wherever you go.

I found out who my fair weather friends were and left them behind. I also found dear friends in people I barely knew.

I have learned to be like a chameleon so that I don't disrupt the lives of the people that I stay with - and I am good at it except for the day that I flooded my sister's house.

Terry would have hated living like this, but I feel blessed to have such a great family and warm friends.

While not advisable, it is possible to survive months of crying while driving.

Laptops are a lifesaver, besides being connected, at night I plug in my earphones and watch movies, disturbing nobody.

Money can't buy happiness, but it helps if you can fix the car when it breaks - especially when it is the place where you keep most of your stuff

I am much stronger than I ever thought I ever was, Terry used to tell me how strong I was and I didn't believe him.

I never want to be without the companionship and love of someone special. Terry taught me how to love and be loved and my life would be too empty without it.

The pain of it all makes the joy so much more. If this too shall pass, I will be looking again when it is time, life is so short.

You guys are the best listeners in the world and I take you with me wherever I go. Peace to you all. Linda

[ripzuck]

Londa,

I can relate so well when you say you make yourself a chameleon. I feel like that when I am with couples ,especially, just blending in and being a good sport. But I only spend time with those I choose to, so it's my choice. WE lost a strong part of our identities. How wonderfully articulated.

Rita

[samrtb]

Linda,

I loved your point about finding dear friends in people you barely knew. ONe of my greatest supports throughout this ordeal has been my friend kerri. Before my boyfriend died, we ran in the same circle of friends, but were never really close. But in the past 10 months, she has shown more compasion, empathy and patience with me than friends ive had since I was ten years old. So I although i wish her and i could have grown close under different circumstances, I consider her one of the few positives that has come of this tragedy.....

[mishknit]

Linda and Rita...

the chameleon thing...i so get that.

It's like i'm two different people, me, with all my warts, and michele..who is so strong and doing what she needs to to get thru this. the truth is i'm somewhere in between.

i have so many good friends, who listen and i know i can call on them, but, i'll tell you, this weekend was so hard for me. i didn't call anyone, noone called me, and even if they had i would have stayed isolated.

Sometimes being that "good sport" among the couples is just too tiring. being alone is sad, but it takes less energy, I find...and i had no energy this weekend.

The second time thru is worse, as i've said before, for me. the reality hits..the reality that we should have been having our labor day party, floating in the pool and hanging with friends. sonce I've realized this about this year, i am beginning to already dread the holidays coming up....and ot's not that anticipatory dread..it's more of a knowing and having to accept it dread.

I have tom's nephe's wedding at the end of the month too...going to MN, seeing his whole family in one swoop, a happy time...sounded good until i realized that i won't be DOING the wedding, I'll be attending..my first one since tom died. tom sang at ALL the family events, weddings and funerals...is someone else going to sing? and how will i handle that? On the 22nd of this month some very good friends are turning 60....tom always wrote parody songs for people's bdays (big ones)...this will be a huge, 3 way party, and i'll be attending alone, and seeing so many of his freiends who dropped off the face of the earth (2 of the bday boys didn't..we are still close, but many others...????haven't heard from them since he died. They say no kids under 16, but the day before my boy turns 15, and i think i'm going to bring him anyway...i need the support, and he'll have a good time (and he'll keep me from drinking too much, since I won't drink and drive with him in the car)

pity party, anyone?

this is why i haven

t been posting much...too sad and wrapped up in myself.

but thanks for letting me vent a bit,

peace, michele

[armaiti]

Michele, I sooooo get what you are saying about the wedding and the singing...Ishaq and I were supposed to sing at his son's wedding, which was a week after his passing. I offered to sing something myself, but thankfully they didn't take me up on it - to try to sing alone without him would have been just too hard. This second year IS harder...I notice less people calling and checking up on me, and a couple of people I relied on a lot are going through their own difficult stuff right now, and live out of town and are hard to reach.

You should definately bring your son - you need to have that support. I understand too that it's easier to be the organizer than the attendee...I do fine organizing and holding the various memorials for Ishaq, or performing at the Interfaith Servicee, but when I have to just go to a wedding or a party, I just dread it. This weekend is our big Eugene Celebration, and our band is performing both days, but I plan to pretty much go, perform, and come home. I'm glad Ishaq's sister and her husband are coming back tomorrow, they'll be here and the house is so less empty with some extra people in it.

Take are of yourself, I'm keepingyou - and all of you on this board - in my heart and prayers,

Anna

[sidvis]

I am being "forced" to attend my dead husband's mother's 70th birthday party. I don't want to go, because I don't really feel close at all to his family, but I've got these two grandsons of hers, and I doubt they would attend if I didn't. So, I will go and just be there. I doubt they care one way or the other if I am there, but for sure they want my sons there to be part of the show. I don't like being told what to do, and one of my husband's sisters loves to tell others what to do. When can I stop contact with these people? I dread the holidays because of them.

None of my husbands friends have ever contacted me to see how we are doing. Such nice folks.

I am all for pity parties....

[amberi]

Hi everyone, havent been here for a little bit. Just wanted to tell you all the good news. the judge did grant me a restraining order against Alex's cousin who was threatening me. And that guy squatting on my property is almost completely off.

I am still having a hard time with the concept that Al is gone. he does visit once in a while in my dreams. But I was cleaning yesterday and picked up a picture and looked at him but it still dosent feel like he is gone. I still think he will walk in to the house one day. Its going on 4months shouldnt this part be sunk in by now?

any ways hope you all had a good weekend. April - good to here from you. keep in touch I will try to e-mail you this week.

take care all

sending prayers to everyone.

amber

[sweetwilliam]

I really do not know where to begin...

I seem to be in reverse - certainly not gaining ground in acceptance of Bill's passing...

Yesterday was really emotional. It was my youngest daughter's birthday and the day we moved her back to college. I tried to hold it together for her, but it was so hard. Her way of dealing with everything was to pretty much act like her Dad was just away on a business trip. It really broke my heart because I had no clue what to say or do - I guess I am not getting "Mother of the Year"...

My husband strongly believed that he was prepared to go Heaven (even though he was not ill), so I do share his faith and do not question God's plan. Still doesn't ease my constant missing him. Sometimes I wonder how I will get through the next 5 minutes - it hurts to even breath...However, now with my daughter back at college and being all alone in this house again, I can not imagine another man in my life. I only want Bill back - not anyone else. My family and friends have been great, but it is early, just barely 6 months, yet I still find I prefer to be alone.

I wish there would have been some learning or enlightening experience for me out of losing Bill, but I can not think of one thing. In fact, I think his death has exposed my flaws...

Hate to be such a downer...

Susan