I Miss Him So...

[rodless]

Anna, I love the coat analogy. I'm so glad camp went well for you. I have a soft stuffed dog on my bed that was given to Rod when he had surgery for a ruptured spleen (before all the cancer stuff.) Rod named him Stitch because he'd had so many stitches - two major surgeries in 3 days. It is nice to have somthing to hold on to although I sure wish it was Rod himself. My real dog tries her best to cuddle but it's not the same. Mary Jo

[justlost]

Claudia, I feel like I can really relate to your story. I had just finished high school and Greg was still in college. I am glad you were able to be there for your son's girlfriend. Greg's mom hasn't really talked to me a whole lot. I was there for her at the wake and funeral, but since then, she hasn't really called. From what I hear, she isn't doing to well at all. She just started eating. I want to talk to her sometimes a lot, but I also want to give her some space. She has told me that she hasn't been able to do a lot, like go into his room, look at the cd of pictures I made her, or anything. I don't think she is getting out of the house much either. I want to help her, but I just don't know how. I don't resent her at all for this, I am sure she is dealing with things the best way she knows. The church is trying to talk both of his parents into going to a therapist. Which I hope they do. I have. I really do appreciate you telling me about your son's girlfriend. It always makes me feel like their is hope when I know of others who have had a similar experience. Like maybe if other people are strong enough, maybe I can be as well. What you said helped me a lot.

Anna, The moose sounds really cute. I'm sure that was a really nice surprise. The pillow idea sounds very nice to. I would have never thought of something like that. I am so glad things are going well for you. The camp sounds really great. Having people around for support is always a help. I wish you the best.

As for me, I went to classes again. For some reason today was harder than the rest. I kept having flashbacks of all the fun things we used to do together. So many moments that were just between us. I just wonder how something this horrible could have happened. I never thought something like this would happen to me. I miss him more and more each day. I just want to talk to him or hold his hand, like we used to do all the time. I just want it back, but I know it will never happen. Then sometimes I can picture the looks on his parents faces when I first saw them at the fire station. It's a picture I will never be able to erase from my memory. Other times, I remember the feeling I had when my friend Leanna found me on aim and told me the news at ten at night. It went around as a cruel rumor and was not verified as true for a few hours. I wish i hadn't found out that way. My friend telling me.. I heard a rumor that... It was just not something I wanted to hear. No one had wanted to tell me, thats why I found out so late and by someone who wasn't even involved. They were just too afraid and upset. I try not to think about these things, but it was such a huge shock. I just feel like, it's not fair. Thats what I say to myself over and over, it's just not fair. I had my whole life planned out. I was going to go to a university, Greg was going to graduate, we would get married, i was going to go to graduate school, then we would move to a nearby town which we had already talked about and had kids. It was my dream. Even more than getting my degree, was being able to live with him and know that forever we would be there for each other. Now, I have had to go to a different college, make new friends, and still have to deal with things day to day. It's more than I can handle sometimes. I just keep seeing his face, and hearing his voice, and remembering what a fantastic relationship we had. We were completely right for each other.How could I ever expect to find that again? Then people don't know what to say and do. Sometimes they get it all wrong. Like when I called one of my ex-boyfriends from a long time ago, just to talk to. We ended as friends and still remained on a good talking basis, and I knew he was someone I could talk to. And at that point I wanted someone who wasn't going to be as emotional and make me cry. He totally misinterpreted that. He came and talked to me, but I heard later that when he had gotten my call he was confused, and thought maybe I wanted to date him again or something. How silly. I hadn't dated him in a loooong time, and would he really think I'd want to date someone right now anyway? I never gave him any indication of that. Then other times people want to talk about it, and I would really rather not bring up something I had been thinking about and was so upset about already. I appreciate that they care, I just feel like maybe they should think about how I must be right now, instead of what they think about everything. It just hurts. I want to be able to get through this. I try to take it one step at a time. It just feels like one enormous bad dream that will never go away. I think like that anyway, the way things are, How will this hurt ever go away? I hope it does. I try my hardest to be distracted. I just want my old life back. I don't like how things are turning out. I liked it when I knew everything I wanted, and everything was so certain. It's so hard to take not knowing how things will be, or even what I want to do on a day by day basis. I see his friends go off to college and are moving on, and I think how lucky they are to be able to go there, to have their friends, to have their partner waiting for them at the next phone call. They are lucky because I know it hurts them now, but they still have their plans and their life, and they will be able to be okay in a much shorter time frame then I will. I want that. Their plans did not change as much as mine did. They won't have to live with some of it every day. They maybe talked to him a few times a week, but I saw him almost every single day. I wish it was as easy for me. I don't give any disrespect to them either, I am glad they are going to college and have a great life ahead of them. I'm just jealous. It's like a roller-coaster of emotions. Maybe if I could sleep better, I'd be able to go through things with a clearer head. Its hard to not get many hours of sleep and then have long days. It takes a lot out of me. I am trying so much to be hopeful. I want to have a good future with many things to look forward to. I just can't look that far into my life right now.

[4everjoeysmom]

Justlost, It is perfectly normal to not be able to and not want to look far ahead...it's impossible at such an early stage in grief. Everything you feel is normal. I usually hate that word--normal. But I and everyone here is in the process of learning to live a new normal. No one could possibly write a book to cover it all. We're all so unique, and our loss and pain is unique to us as well, although similar enough in how shattered we become that we are able to walk with one another in compassionate understanding. I understand what Greg's mom feels. I felt much like that too, but tried so hard to focus on things that were important to Joey, and his girlfriend was definitely one of those. He would have wanted me to hold her hand and look out for her well being. On the other hand, a very close family friend made a CD of music for me shortly after Joey died. I was not able to listen to it until exactly one year and one week later, which was or would have been Joey's 25th birthday. To me, anyway, it still is and always will be his birthday, even though he isn't here to celebrate it. Just because he isn't here now doesn't mean it never happened. You know? And I can totally relate to what you share and feel because I intimately walked alongside Joey's girlfriend through the early rough times until she was ready to let go a little and try flying on her own. I cherish that time with her even though it was hard for us both. I'm so sorry you feel so helpless and a bit distanced from Greg's mom. I think after a little time to get through the shock, and she is still in shock, she will appreciate every little detail you would want to share with her about Greg, because she will wake up to the hard reality when the shock fades and will have a deep need to connect with anyone and everyone who was close to him and is willing to keep him alive with her through cherished memories. It's so difficult in these early days. And while the difficulty does not really fade, the need for isolation does fade after a bit. She just needs time. Perhaps counseling would help. But if she chooses not to, there is still and always hope. I did not have professional counseling, but I had a lot of good medicine come my way via friends here at BI, memories shared in time by Joey's friends, and such. I also spent some time building a memorial web site for Joey. His friends and most of our family have deeply coem to appreciate that they can "visit" him there anytime they want to, and can write to him via his guestbook. Maybe you could do somethinbg like that when you are ready, and you could offer it as a gift to Greg's parents as well. So many people have these memorial sites as a way to express their ongoing feelings and love for the one they lost. Joey is here if you would like to visit for just one example... http://joey-mcconkey.virtual-memorials.com/ It was a very healing exercise for me as well.

I am truly so deeply sorry that you walk right now among your shattered dreams. It may seem like those shattered pieces will never come together again to make new dreams, but they will in time. Just take it moment by moment. Life is overwhelming enough without this kind of event in a life. You are doing the best you can, and that is good enough. In fact, Greg would be so very, very proud of you for sharing him the way you are and expressing yourself as you are. You may not feel strong because you had to change some of your plans already to accommodate your grief. But I believe that was a very wise decision. There is no need to overwhelm yourself with more than you can handle physically or emotionally. Give yourself time to grieve and then time for healing as well. Let it be on the schedule of your need and not on what is expected by anyone else. It's the very best thing you can do for yourself.

You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. I hope you are able to find some rest. Hugs, Claudia

[rodless]

Morgan, I am so sorry for your loss...not just of Greg but of your plans and dreams. You said "So many moments that were just between us." That is where my pain is the worst. Those special smiles, gestures etc. that no one else would "get." My husband and I found each other later in life after painful divorces and our relationship was very special to both of us. I miss "us" as much as I miss him.

As for other people, no one understands this until they go through it. I know I didn't and was not good at saying the right things. I have decided that the only thing to say is "I'm sorry" and really mean it. Telling someone time will help etc. doesn't cut it. Just yesterday someone said to me.. you're young enough to have another marriage as if that was what I needed to get over Rod. NOT!

Hang in there, this board will help as much as anything can. I'm glad you continued on with school even if it wasn't exactly what you had planned... that took courage. One foot in front of the other and eventually we'll all get down the path.

Mary Jo

[rodless]

Didn't see Claudia's message until after I posted mine. I was not referring to it when I made the comment "Telling someone time will help etc. doesn't cut it." MJ

[4everjoeysmom]

I would tend to agree with that statement in the sense of the loss itself; time does not necessarily help. But for me personally tme has helped me to at least work through various stages of grief--from shock, to realization, dreaded acceptance, deep mourning, horrendous grief, and even healing. It certainly will never erase my pain, but it has allowed me to blossom a little more outside of myself and be open to what others feel, when at first I was too numb to think about anything else. Often times when the shock wears away, I have experienced myself and through others that time has also worn away slightly the wall of defense that causes one to want to be isolated and tucked away. Breaking down in public is hard and not exactly on my list of favorite things to do, so I didn't leave home for what seemed about 6 months. I did, but I was in zombie mode when I had to be. In the case of Greg's mom, I am hoping that she will be able to open up to a more receptive desire of continuing the realtionship with Morgan, for both of their well being and healing. Morgan, it may be that Greg's mom doesn't know yet what she wants or needs. As I had said, it's so new and the shock is heavy. Her hopes and dreams shattered around her too when she lost her child. And for her, she didn't just lose the young man he had become, but she also lost the baby and everything he became in between a boy and a man. I was wondering if you live nearby? And if so, maybe taking over a meal or a dessert and just giving her a hug would be a gently nice gesture to let her know you aren't avoiding her. Sometimes communication gets lost in the strange awkwardness of thinking the other person doesn't need our grief on top of their own, when really often times it can be just what is needed--a connection to Greg through each other and what can potentially be shared. (Just something I was thinking after I posted...) ANyway, peace and blessings to all! -Claudia

[rodless]

Linda, I just saw your post from a few days ago. I am so glad that you are happy. You deserve it and I hope this will be the beginning of something wonderful. You're right... we can't live in fear of being hurt even if it's a REAL scary thought to have to do this again. Mary Jo

[4everjoeysmom]

Mary Jo, I too think when people use the "time" factor in a phrase like that person said to you about remarrying, etc, well, I think right along with you..."clueless", and I struggle to find the grace in moments like those not to say something "wise" back... In the case of loss it does take one to know one... so unfortunate, but true. Peace, Claudia

[lindat]

Hi Mary Jo, My high school reunion is tonight. We have had a few days of doctor's visits and lab tests, and being together feels really comfortable so far. I figure that as long as our lives are enhanced by the relationship it will be worth whatever we have to go through. I do sound strong anyway Tonight is going to be nerve wracking - I decided to have this reunion a few months ago and over 300 will be attending tonight and the same for the picnic on Sunday, weather permitting. It is exciting, but so much could go wrong. I stayed up most of the night making name tags with high school photos, that I couldn't print on any of the printers here. So now we will have hand written ones, not a big deal but I freaked out. Two days ago, I forgot and left bath water running for a couple of hours and flooded my sister's house. Luckily she loves me and has homeowner's insurance - I am just too scattered right now...

Deep breaths help in many situations....

[amberi]

Hi everyone-just needed somewhere to cry scram or yell. Im having a really bad day today and dont know what triggered it. I was at work and everything was fine, then I went to lunch and turned into a basket case yet again. I havent been sleeping again so I know thats part of it. But I just cant stop crying. So now Im sitting at my desk teary eyed and trying to work but I feel like I cant function. I just dont know what to do when I get in this mode. I know for sure I still have not really let go and let myself feel the emotions I need to, but I am way to scared to do that, but I feel like Im going to need to (sooner rather than later). I wish I could feel him or at least have a dream that I remember him in. ahhh

on to other things

Claudia - I went to Joey’s website it was so wonderful, I loved all the stories and what your husband wrote was so great. I want to do one for Alex and our daughter but was it hard, (stupid ?)maybe I should wait for some more time to pass. but it really was beautiful. And the book thing I thought was awesome for the school to do. hope your well.

Justlost - The picture of you and Greg was very cute. I hope you continue to reach out to his mom. From a mother who has also lost a child, give her a little "time" I know I hate saying it too, but for me also time has helped but it has also been 14yrs. But soon like Claudia said she will most likely want to be close to the people he was close to. And I would think that you will be the one she will want to be the closes to for a while, due to the intimate relationship and the depth of it. It is a different relationship then he had with the guy's. Hope that didnt sound rude. Im trying to type but it keeps coming out wrong and I dont want to sound like that. So instead just try to be there for her. (I hope this doesnt come out wrong) but that you probably remind her of the "what could have been's", and for a mom that is a very different feelings then for wives/girlfriends. Again as a mom for a few months that was how I felt with Cassandra. I also learned with my messed up family - I finally had to tell Alex's sister that her mother just lost her son, she just lost her brother and I lost my husband. These are all important relationships and are unique to each. She was mad that her mother yelled at her about something her brother wanted. The sister was acting like she was the only person that had lost someone. I did this too after losing Cassandra but after a little while I realized that I wasnt alone, others in my family lost her too. So Im sure she will open up soon, but if you can keep an eye on her, sounds like she may need help if the depression is getting harder.

Sorry to all if I came across judgmental or rude or whatever I dont think I should be helpful on crappy days. but wanted to throw out my thoughts.

Take care all and hopefully Monday will be better for me.

Big (((((((HUGS)))))))) to all.

amber

[amberi]

oops forgot, Hope your reunion goes well linda.

[justlost]

Claudia, I appreciate what you have told me from a mom's perspective. I saw your son's memorial. It was very beautiful. I want to do one myself now. I have actually started on a scrapbook that has every picture Greg and I ever had together, which is over 120. I'm going to write my memories behind the pictures and put it beside them. I think it'll be a good thing to look back on when I get older. I talked to my mom more about what I should do about trying to help his parents. She actually brought it up. She wanted something to give to them. All this afternoon, after my classes, we spent the day in town, picking up different candies they liked, tea, snacks, just anything that we thought would cheer them up and put them in a basket. I also had remembered his mom saying she loved all my bears and wanted one herself at some point. I spent a few minutes at build-a-bear and made her a little bear named after herself. It even has a little lab coat on because she works at the hospital. I think once everything comes in and I have had a chance to talk to Greg's Mom and make sure it's ok we come over, we will bring it to them. Just to visit. I hope that they enjoy it.

Mary Jo, I am so glad that you understand what I'm saying about the "moments just for us." it gets to me so badly sometimes that I will never have that again. I definately don't think another marriage would have helped you at all unless you were moved on and completely loved the other person. I can't believe they would say that to you. People can be insensitive sometimes. I was talking to my Dad about everything the other day, and all he told me was "you just need to bury all of your feelings and everything else with it", and I was like huh? No I really don't think I will ever do that. See that's why I have my mom and my therapist. I know it's hard to know what to say sometimes, but I've really liked you being there for me to. I know it must have been really hard to lose your husband. For everyone in this forum really.

Amber- I totally understand what you mean by okay days and bad days. I was having a bad day yesterday. So don't worry at all about how the way your words were going, I knew exactly what you meant. I did have a closer relationship to him than any of his friends ever could have. I know his mom knows that, I could tell. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what it must have been like for you. You have really shown me inspiration that you have been able to carry on even all through that. I am so glad that there are places like this so we can all get our feelings out and just "cry, scram, or yell" when we want to. I do hope that Greg's mom will want to remain in contact with me for a long time. I know his Grandmother specifically asked me to keep in touch with her. I love his family so much. I hope Monday is better for you. Remember that I am thinking about you and praying and sending you all sorts of good vibes.

[missinmyhubby]

Longest four years ever!

[precioustams]

Oooh goodness tonight I just want to throw a fit and yell and kick and get everything out. I hate my life, I hate myself, i just hate everything. Every day is sooo hard some times I really don’t think that I can go thru them all without Joseph, but then tonight is just even harder than I could have imagined. Tonight I have had to finish packing up our apartment. I packed the whole apartment up in the matter a couple weeks but I just couldn’t face going into our room and packing up our closet and belongings. I knew that it was going to be hard packing up his clothes even though I plan on hanging them all back up in my new place, but as I went through them all there were sooo many memories. Every shirt and bottom he had I had bought for him, then there were the clothes that he never had a chance to wear, things with tags still on them because I had just purchased them the week before he died. It’s enough having to go thru everything without him, but now I had to pack our house and this time I didn’t have him to help me. I feel like I am leaving a part of him somehow by leaving our house, the only home we had together. I’ve been a mess all night. I packed up some things from his childhood and decided to give them to his mom, those were her memories and I really want her to have them. The clothes I’ve decided to just move them over from the closet here to the new place, it’s going to take a LOT longer than four months to get thru that. I feel so dumb sometimes, I still have the soap that was in the bathroom and I packed it in a baggy, I also have his razor with his hair in it and his ash tray from smoking filled with his cigarettes, no matter what I do I just can’t let go of these things….am I crazy…cuz I feel so most days. There are a ton of people coming tomorrow to help with the move, all of josephs friends, his mom and sister, it’s just going to be a hard day, I just don’t know how to leave all the memories of our house and us in it behind. Another thing is that I am going to go live with his mom for about a month since my new place isn’t ready till october and that gives me mixed feelings as well. I’ve lived on my own since I was a senior in high school and living with someone else is very different. I am definitely going to enjoy the company, but I am sooo afraid of overstaying my welcome. Since joseph passed away I have spent every weekend at her house, actually the first month and a half we were inseparable, we have a wonderful relationship, I’m closer to her than my own mother, and I just don’t want anything to change that, I just can’t do this without her. She has made sure that I have control of everything in terms of josephs belongings, the funeral arrangements and anything else that had to be done, I was already a very mature 23 yr old, but now I feel like I’m 80. I just feel sooo scattered right now, I don’t even know if I am making sense…I just feel like I can’t talk to any of my friends right now because most of them have left me and we don’t talk anymore, or the few I have are just tired of hearing about it, I just miss him sooo much, he’s suppose to be the one here holding me together and he left me, how do things go sooo wrong!!!

~Tamara

[missyouhoney811]

Tamara, At least you found the strength to pack things. It has been over a year and I have not touched anything of John's. Every day I tell myself its time to get order in the room but I can't. I know I must. If I can't clean out one room how in the hell can I get motivated to sell the house and be in a condo by spring. I was doing so well mentally and now I feel as if I am going back to base one. I hate this. I miss him so much. Why did he have to be so sick. It is not fear. I have so many things to sell that have a big $ mark on them but something inside of me stops me from moving. I at least made an appointment to get the van detailed afterwards I will put it in the Disabled Dealer Magazine along with the wheel chairs that I have.

I also picked up Sherman's ashes. I know he was a dog but he was special. If not for him LORD knows when I would have got out of bed after John died. Why in the hell did he have to die?

So sorry for being blue. I am having a bad couple days. Perhaps it is because I am still sick and as the doctor stated it can go on for 6 weeks. Too much time with me.

God Bless all of you.

Dorothy

[rodless]

Dorothy... don't push yourself. Is it really necessary to be in a condo by spring? You'll know when you are ready to give up John's things. I was forced into losing quite a bit quickly by Rod's kids but I have gradually dealt with other stuff. I have a walk-in closet adjacent to my family room and there are a few special items of clothing (kids took all the rest) hanging in it as well as a basket with his billfold etc., the funeral book, the box of sympathy cards etc. I sometimes go in there and touch and look at everything but I am finding piece by piece I am giving more things up. This last weekend I gave his dress watch to my brother who will treasure it. I traded his van and my car off for a Jeep because I couldn't stand seeing the van without him in it. That was a good move, but I knew I needed to do it. Take your time and don't feel pressured!

Sorry for all the bad days out there. I read somewhere that the change of seasons is always hard for those grieving because it signals another without the one you love. I had a really bad melt down - first in a long time - this week, too. Finally drank a glass of wine and went to bed. The next days was better but it has taken a few to get back to where I was. Just another ride on the roller coaster.

Hope all have a pleasant weekend. I worked hard in the yard this morning..physical activity helps. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

I agree about the change of seasons...another autumn without Ishaq in it. Another set of holidays without him. I'm not looking forward to that, especially since we won't be doing a big family think back east with his family this year. Though I won't miss the stress of flying at Christmas. Our airport is in the foggiest part of the Willamette Valley. Why do they put an airport where it's guaranteed to be foggy in December? The rest of Eugene can be clear as a bell, but approach the airport and bam - you are in a sea of dense fog.

I hung out with a few friends last night and talked about spirituality, life after death, lucid dreaming, and shoes (I was surprised to find out a friend of ours knows shoe designers and could appreciate the Balenciaga lace up sandals I got on eBay for a very good price). I woke up this morning to all this banging on the house and roof - I thought the landlord was doing something, but then I hear the pitter patter of little footsteps and went to look - the bluejays and the squirrels were having some sort of disagreement at 7 am. The jays have been banging on the rain gutters, they use them to crack the hazelnuts from our tree. Loud little suckers, but they are pretty. So I got up early and did some garage saling, and found a great table for my altar in the living room and a set of nightstands for the bedroom. The man said he'd be happy to deliver them and then it turned out he works at the auto garage just down the street, where the Red Cross always took their vehicles, and where I sent Ishaq's brother in law to get his car fixed. He knew Ishaq and all, and I'd talked to him before on the phone. Small world! So that all worked out well. Now I have to get the house cleaned out for the new furniture. And our band is playing some gigs so I have a rehearsal today. Being busy is good. I just have to keep doing stuff, even though it is hard.

I'm sorry so many of you have been having hard times. It certainly is like waves, crashing and receding. I don't look forward to my next crash.

Blessings,

Anna

[airymoon]

hey all i really need some help i know i haven't been on in a while and i probably dont deserve your kindness but i dont have any where to turn. the last time i was on i said i had met someone. I had known him since before kurt and i had been married and we were good friends he was going through a divorce and we began talking and after a month or so realized we had really strong feelings for each other. i let him into my life and the kids life that is one reason my oldest son moved out he didn't want any one but his dad. his divorce is going to be final in onemonth and we were talking about him moving in. Its been a year and 2 months since kurt died and i want to be happy and i was happy with him i fell in love with him and he me. we went to chicago for a day and that night he showed me some engagement rings for when i was ready. a week later we had a big storm and were without electricity so we were going to go to a hotel all of us then he called and said his daughter wanted him to spend the night so he was going there (she's 3) told me he loved me and he would call in the morning. the next day he told me he and his wife were going to try to work things out i had asked him alot of times if he wanted that and he said no i even tried to get him to convince her before we got in to deep. He says he still loves me and he still would marry me but he has to try for his daughter . she deserves to be raised in a two parent household. I know he really does love me and what really hurts is he was our friend and i could talk to him about kurt and he hadf stories i didn't know he would tell the kids all kinds of stories about their dad when he was younger. Now ive lost that and him. I feel stupid and the pain wont stop and i miss kurt and i wish iwas dead. if i didn't have my kids here i think i would end this pain. ive made arrangements for them if anything were to happen to me and those will be finalized in a few weeks and im afraid of what will happen then. I am so afraid of being alone and i am even more afraid now of opening my self up to someone again, i told him how afraid i was and he promised he would never hurt me and he did how can i ever risk it again and how do i get the pain to stop. now not only do i have to deal with the memories of kurt but of him too it hurts so bad and im so scared i cant even be a good mom to my kids. they really liked him and i let them get hurt again they didn't deserve that and i didn't but stting here now i just want to go to him and have him hold me i feel so lost.

[missyouhoney811]

Airymoon, I am so sorry for your sadness. You probably will not like hearing what I have to say. The best thing for you and everyone else on this board is........ when we decide to give our heart and love again I believe it should be with a person that has no baggage. That way our hearts will not be broken again. I personally can not see how a man staying with a women HE DOES NOT LOVE is only staying for the three year old daughter. If the love is not their no way is that three year old child living in a happy and safe family. I believe many man get bored with their lives and start to wonder into a fantasy type life. That's only my opinion. I also know when we are in love (or think we are) we tend to do goofy things that normally in our right state of mind we would not. How old is your son that moved out? One more thing to make you really hate me.... When you have children in the household I do not believe a man should move in with you. The number one priority should be the children.

Once again, I am sorry for your pain. I only hope someway you are able to lift your spirits and be your own person. Being alone is not the worst thing to be. To be with a man that is totally not up front with things is pure hell and quite a burden.

You are in my prayers.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Airymoon, I'm so sorry this happened to you as well. But your comments about you don't know what will happen when things are finalized to take care of your children worries me. I certainly have felt like I wanted to just die and be with Ishaq, but I would never take my own life to do that. If you are feeling at all suicidal you really need to talk to someone to help, whether a therapist or someone in your own spiritual tradition who can help. Your kids need you. Would you really want them to have to live with the memory of you taking your own life? And I know what it feels like to be scared of being alone. I don't have any kids, I do stay in contact with Ishaq's kids but they are all adults now and away at jobs or in college. The house does get lonely with just me and the cats. But ultimately I have to make this life work for me, in order to finaly be with Ishaq when I cross over, at least that's what I believe - for me. Please find someone who can help - I'm not a pro-drug person usually, but if the depression and sadness gets so much you are afraid of what you might do, you need to find some help, whether spiritual, therapist or medical. I will keep you in my prayers.

Blessings,

Anna

[airymoon]

the thing is we were upfront and honest with each other and neither of us went into this with the intention of having these feelings. His wife was the one that wanted the marriage to end and now tht he told her about us and she saw how happy he was she decided to try to work it out.My children are and always will be my first priority. as far as him moving in we weren't talking about that happening now but in the future and my children are very open minded about it. my son that moved out is 19 he also didn't like if i went out with my friends and co workers and my other son liked the idea of having this man in the house and living with us so did my daughter. He was not nor was i in a fantasy life we did not just jump into a relationship we did a lot of talking and analyzing our feelings before we started anything. both he and his wife are hoping they can do this to raise their daughter neither of them have any expectations of loving each other it is all for their girl. My 19 year by the way has told me i am not to date ever or he will not aknowledge me anymore as his mother. not even later in the future. we had seen a thereapist before he moved out and her advice was that there are some parts of my life that are not his to control. I also didn't just pick someone off the street. he was someone i knew and trusted and i still do. My issue isn't really whether or not i made a mistake its how do i deal with the pain again. it has been a year since my husband died but it feels more like a thousand years. My husband and i had also talked about this before he died and his wishes were for me to date and be happy. He told me it would be a dishonor to him to be alone all the time and grieve for the rest of my life. As for medication i am already taking them what i miss the most is being a part of someone's life. That will never happen for me because im too scared to go there. If the no baggage rule is followed nobody would ever date because every body has baggage and i have a whole lot of it.

[rodless]

Airymoon, maybe this story will help you a little. After my divorce 23 yrs. ago I had a relationship with another guy (who was divorced) for about a year. Big plans. Then he cut it off and took off for another part of the state. Six months later he was married again with a baby on the way. I understand what pain you are feeling. I wasn't over my ex-husband at that time but thought I had found someone to be happy with and could go on. Then boom. I stayed away from guys for several years, then met Rod and had a wonderful marriage, baggage and all. Don't give up...all I can say is go on through the pain and you'll be a better person at the end of it. I know that sounds awful but it can be done.

My friends and I were talking about the baggage issue last night. We laughed a lot because we decided we didn't want any guys with baggage but we thought they should accept ours. Doesn't matter to me because at this point I don't even want to think about getting into another relationship although I've learned to never say never.

Ugh, Anna, thinking of the holidays makes me cringe. Mary Jo

[samrtb]

hi everyone. havent written anything in a bit, thing have been crazy with moving anyd everything. airymoon, i was reading your posts and im so sorry about what happened. it must be so hard because you found someone you loved and could rely on, etc and then to lose it all again. hang in there, you deserve someone who wouldn't put you through this. i've been trying to date since my boyfriend passed away, and so far it hasnt even taken off. guys my age dislike baggage probably more than anything else in the world. and even f the firt few dates go well, eventually they are around when i "crack", or have a bad day, or just really miss russ and usually it all ends there. my friends constantly tell me that its a turnoff when i bring up russ, have pictures of him in my room, etc, but i dont want to be with someone who can't accept ALL of me, including my feelings for russ. its just hard to deal with constant rejection because of it. and its even more frustrating to know i had a great guy, who was my best friend and supported me in everything and who i loved and trusted with all my heart and he was taken away from me for no good reason whatsover. it makes me so angry at everything.

anyways, i hope you are all doing ok, and anna, anytime you want to talk about designer shoes, or designer anything, im your girl :-)

[airymoon]

thank you all I think that is the hardest part of this. I could lie in this mans arms and cry over kurt and he would hold me and talk to me about him and he never got upset. That was one reason why it was so easy because i was sure no one else would ever do that. I know eventually i may meet somone who will and ive been talking to "him" most of the day and i know he didn't mean to hurt me i guess we both were hurting and because we trusted each other it was easy. i dont want to date if i meet someone fine and if i dont then fine but idont want to go through this pain over and over. so for right now work and my kids. and that it. im sorry i havent read any posts yet ive been trying to keep my head above water.

[justamom]

Airymoon, your situation sounded very simialr to me so I thought that I would respond. After my husband Steve died, 19 months ago now (unbelievable to me still) I said to myself and to others, that if there was to be a man for me and my boys that Steve would drop him on my door step because he would know that I wouldn't know where to look for him. Well, the man that I am dating was a friend of ours and he is my childrens boy scout leader. He was litterally shovelling my door step. He knew all about our accident and what had happened. So in the beginning it was very easy to date him. I didn't have to explain anything to him he already knew. He was my friend, he knew and loved my husband and my boys it made it very easy. He too has been getting divorced for awhile now. THey were seperated when Steve died and then they got back together for a while only to find out that she had a new man on the side for about 18months at that point. So he was devastated and it was my turn to be there for him. Our relationship just grew out of a friendship and mutual caring and understanding for one another. I have been afraid the whole time that he would perhaps go back to his wife. My family and friends have all advised me against being with him because they were afraid that I would get hurt. I fianlly said - "even if I found him in bed with her tomorrow it would not compare to what I have already survived!" So from that moment on I took it for what it was. I think that anytime you go into a relationship you never know wht is going to happen. You have to take your chances. We all have "baggage" history, life. No one is perfect. I am so sorry that this is the way it has turned out for you right now. I do think that you have to give him credit for trying for his daughter. That is a very honorable thing to do. I have told my friend over and over that he needs to be able to look at his son one day and tell him that he tried everything that he could to save his family. That hurts you and I am so sorry for that. It may not stay that way, you never know. I think you have to appreciate him for being there for you when he was and think that maybe there is someone better out there for you. My children are the reason that I am still here, I know that I was spared for them. THey already lost one parent and they need me and yours need you. They need you functional as well. Hang in there, we are all here for you. Lisa

[justamom]

Girls, I have been thinking about the change of seasons alot lately and the holidays coming up. I find that I am actually looking forward to them. Still so sad that Steve will not be here for them but I want to make him proud of me. I really screwed them up last year and my children suffered because of it. I just couldn't do it. No tree, no gifts, no cookies nothing like the mom they had before. I just wnat to see them happy this year and I want to be happy. I used to love the season, the whole thing, everything about it and I must say I never thought about how miserable that it could be for people who were grieveing or sad. I am glad that I have a new understanding of people like us who don't look forward to them. But I have decided to do them better this year, to really make an effort. I want my kids to love the holidays as much as I did as a kid and I am going to try my best to do that for them. I am also so grateful that I am still here to see them on Christmas morning that I feel like I owe it to do it right. I know that it will still be hard but I am going to try my best. I really am trying to enjoy each day and take in each moment and not to get too far ahead of myself. It does seem to help. Hope you are all doingokay. Lisa

[samrtb]

i find myself really dreading the change of seasons. because with each new season comes a whole new onslaught of memories of me and russ. memories of things we would do, places we went, days and nights we had together. and as soon as the pain dulls a little bit, a new season begins and i have to spend another few months trying to calm those pains, and then again, another season. there are some changes that have helped: moving, getting a new job, seeing a new therapist, etc, but the changes in the seasons for some reason absolutely kill me. i dreaded summer (and i usually am the happiest in the summer) because of all the memories he and i had of our new appartment downtown, going to the beach, walking everywhere. and now that ive become comfortable in those memories, i am dreading fall for similar reasons. also because it was the season in which he died. and also because it leads to christmas, which i dont want to do again without him, and to winter (and i have always suffered from seasonal depression). i try to think positive, and take it one day at a time but all pretending aside, i am a basketcase.

[amberi]

Airymoon - follow your instincts, sounds like the rest of us! More pain then we really need. But you are a strong person, and will get through this too. Remember things happen for a reason (well thats what I believe) you never know maybe he goes back and it doesnt work and he gets closure for himself with his marriage. I think you went into this relationship the right way, talking and going slowly, my husband has only been gone for 3 months so dating isnt a thing for me yet, but I do feel like going out and at least trying to meet new people. I also have a very close male friend that I did have some kind of feelings for when Alex and I were separated but I could never figure out what they were, I thought it might have been a crush or something, but I think it was loneliness. He has been very sweet since Alex passed away. I could cry on his shoulder he would hold me but there was no romantic stuff purely friends then he started dating this girl and now rarely returns calls, it hurt a little but I couldnt ask him to be my shoulder forever and I miss him. But I do like his girlfriend. I know this doesn’t compare to yours but wanted to let you know that I kinda understand. and YES everyone has some kind of baggage! We are here for a reason, and part of yours is for your kids, as with me too. I just hope you take time for yourself and you must love yourself before you can love anyone else. Your son is at a hard age right now and I see this at my work all the time, he is trying to become a man and lost his man, and the thought of you being with someone else hurts him, but listen to your counselor he has no right to control you, if he loves you (and he does, just hurt right now) he will move passed this and if he doesnt then he needs to deal with that himself he makes his own decisions. You are young and an adult who deserves happiness. just as he deserves to be happy too. Hang in there sweetie, your doing good. Hope coming here helps. Sending you lots of prayers.

and whoever it was with the change of season I too agree I hate winter, no I don’t, I hate the cold, it puts me into a funk even before Alex passed away, but thinking of winter and him not here to make fires and all that makes me even more sad. I cannot think of the holidays with out him, he was always another child during Halloween and Christmas, he made it so much fun for the kids. Just not ready for that. but the leaves changing and falling brings me such sadness, I kept saying it was the moon so I just hope spring comes fast. to bad I wasnt a bear!

Justlost- hope your hanging in there, the basket and bear sound wonderful, and if you cant visit think about just leavin it on the door with a card.

take care all,

amber

[airymoon]

lisa and amber thank you so much! i do give him credit for trying for his daughter and part of me hopes it works for him the other part doesn't and a third part wants him to be hurt so he will understand how this feels. i think his idea of being a family is what is driving him . he told me he still has some feelings for his wife and he hopes they will become stronger and he hopes he can learn to fall in love with her again.we al know you can't learn your feelings they are or they aren't. The thing is some of his way of thinking has changed since they first separated because of the way we were and im glad for him he now takes marriage and feelings more to heart.His way of dealing with things is to just not think about the bad things or things that bother him and ignore the problems they have caused. so now the plans we made for the holiday weekend he is doing with his family and i asked if he could have just taken that time to take a break and think instead of rushing in and he said he couldnt because it would hurt too much so they are all going to visit his mother and he says trying to be friends agian . I want him to make sure this is what he wants and he needs to try but i will hang out waiting for him to make up his mind i also wont go looking but if the opportunity arises i will try to be brave and accept it. Today for the first time since the break up i felt kurt with me. It is still hard because i had a lot of fun with this man and we laughed alot something we all need but i feel like kurt is telling me it will be ok and strangely (maybe its denial) i feel like the man i was dating and i will be back together. maybe just as friends or more i dont know As for the changing of the seasons at first i hated it too but now i think each new season is a fresh start i try not to think of what i dont have and i try not to think of what i could have i live each day in that minute. its too hard otherwise. again thank you for your thoughts and prayers i cried when i read them because i finally felt like i wasn't alone. I've had a hard time asking god back into my life. i said i was ready to try again and then the next day the break up happened and i want to say forget but instead i prayed for him and his family and i prayed for god to take the pain away. of course when it wasnt gone immediately i felt let down. Today while shopping i let my 8(1/2) year old daughter go two isles away to look at a toy. when i went to get her i couldnt find her i looked all over the store for 20 minutes i couldnt find her then i started praying just please god over and over i made one last look in the toys before i was going to allert the store and there she was. i picked her up and started crying. slowly the faith comes back and maybe now i will find some more peace.

[amberi]

Airymoon - that is the worst feeling my son Dale does it all the time, he hasnt since his dad passed but he did before. So happy that you are feeling stronger. I still cant find my way to pray to god yet still feel he keeps taking to much from me but then I forgive him cuz they are not mine. And I learned that it can always get worse. people used to tell me how bad their life was and I would think about Cassandra and think "not as bad as mine", but who was I to actually say that, never did I. But I just new that just because I lost her didnt mean I couldnt lose the rest of them. So I know it can always get worse, but I felt like god was punishing me for some reason,when he took Al. I am slowly trusting him again but scared. I think its great that you feel like Kurt is with you thats when you need him.

Take care,

till tomarrow

amber

[armaiti]

I feel really yucky tonight. Tomorrow it will be thirteen months to the day since Ishaq passed. I'm just having a tough time getting motivated to do stuff...I feel like I need to get my life in order, but I just don't have energy. I have a lot of projects lined up with my art, and other projects around Ishaq's music and other things, the garden is a mess, I have tons of stuff to put on ebay and I just don't feel like doing anything. I think part of it too is after-camp let down. You spend a week with amazing people playing music and doing spiritual practices every day and then you are slammed back into regular life. I had someone else ask me the other night if I thought I'd find someone else eventually. WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO KEEP ASKING ME THAT? His wife lost her parents, did he ask her if she was going to find another set? Geez I just get tired of this sometimes...I feel like you all here are the only ones that get it sometimes...I have a few friends that get it but they are on the road and out of town and hard to reach sometimes. I'm just tired of being tired, and sad. My dreams lately have been all complicated and wierd and Ishaq hasn't come to talk to me in them, that I can remember anyway. I just wake up tireder than when I went to bed. How was thirteen months for those of you who are past that? Is this a particular heavy one for some reason? Like I'm really starting the second year of my life without Ishaq. I'm just feeling really down tonight.

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

i haven't posted in a awhile, and there's so much to say.

but I can't, because I haven't lived some of these things.

But, anna....yes, at 13 months, facing the 2nd year without tom, the reality hits. i am moving into the third year now, and it is..what it is, i guess. i've accepted it all, finally. and now i guess i have to learn to live with it...which is different from acceptance. I think that's the lesson of the 2nd year..the first year we need to get thru, the second, it's so much more real, and we have to figure out how to live the rest of our lives.

It sucks, frankly.

not much help, but truthful.

peace to you all..amber and airy, hang in there, if it's right it's roght..if not, you'll get thru it.

Michele

[sidvis]

Well, I am into my 23 month now. It seems to me that at around month 13 I was feeling some relief that I had survived the first year. After that, I continued to have good days and some bad days, but the good were winning out over the bad. I still cry, and miss my husband alot. But, I am also aware that I am such a stronger person spiritually and mentally now that I have survived his death. It is so much work to get to this point. It does not just happen. You have to make it happen and only you know how to accomplish this for yourself. You must move forward any way you can. I wish only positive things in all your lives, and I wish you courage and strength to move yourself beyond all the grief. Life will not be the same, it is always changing. Just go with it.

[lauraa]

What doesn't kill us will make us STRONGER!

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, we are both on the same path. The past two days I did my share of crying and feeling sorry for myself. John's birthday is 9/10 following date 9/11 will be month 13 for me. So you could say I am very low right now. I think when we keep busy we make ourselves happy. I had such a great time in New York and Vegas and now I am back in this dark hole again. I was a very sick person but I was happy. I have so many things to do. I think I'll go outside and sit in the sun with my cup of coffee and try to get motivated. I had a crazy dream last night. I have been having crazy dreams the past week (John was in them). They were not my normal peaceful dreams...........very active.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[rodless]

I hit 13 mos. on 8/7 and it's been a bad month. Lots of tears. I think it just seems more real when you start the second round of withouts. Most of the time I do okay. People who see me every day have no clue how I struggle sometimes. I am sure ready for something to change so I am heading for the Black Hills on 9/5... some of you may remember I talked about going in July. I am getting excited about it, just feel this is the right timing. I am going by myself and hope to find a sense of peace out there in the pine trees. If I cry I cry... I miss him all the time here anyway. It can't be that much worse and it might be better. Life has a funny way of going on whether or not we participate or just endure. Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Thanks for all your response. I'm actually feeling a bit better today, on the actual anniversary of thirteen months. Partly because Ishaq was in my dream this morning, in a very profound way. I just have to trust that he is with me even if I can't sense him or dream him all the time.

It's supposed to be hot here today, I may go swim in the river today or take the kayak out later. I had some house re-arranging plans but think I'll just take this day easy.

Blessings to all on this difficult journey,

Anna

[mishknit]

Mary Jo....

i think you've hit the nail on the head for how I'm feeling about this 2nd year.

Life is going to keep on, with or without me, and I might as well move ahead along with it. Now, many times that is easier said than done, but, we all do what we can. As i said before...the times i've gotten away by myself have been so great, so healing....i hope you have a great time. and..it can't be worse!

my thoughts are with all of you as you start this 2nd year..it is weird, very weird, but then the situation is so damn weird anyway.

peace to all,\michele

[samrtb]

ive been reading your posts about passing the first year, and i can't believe that i'm approaching a year as well. at times it feels like russ has been gone forever, but at the same time i feel like he died yesterday. i dont know if anyone else feels like this, but now that some time has past, when the grief hits me, it REALLY hits me, it almost feels worse than before. I dont know why. but it scares me to think im going to feel like this for the rest of my life, or that every christmas or holiday or birthday is going to be a first, second, third, fourth, etc of it without russ. im just so tired of feeling like this.

anna - im glad you felt a bit better today, and i hope you continued to feel that way....

[lindat]

Tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of Katrina. All day it has been on my mind, 2 years ago today we were doing this, or 2 years ago we were doing that - mostly evacuating, but every minute of the day is still so fresh in my mind. A little while ago my daughter called and asked if I remember how happy and ignorant we were 2 years ago today that our lives could be so changed in a heartbeat. For her Katrina is a defining moment when she lost everything, for me too, but Terry's death 4 months later put all that in perspective and Katrina just didn't matter that much anymore. All day I was remembering what WE were doing together, and the trauma that WE were going thru together. Seems like yesterday, and it seems like a different life long ago. It WAS a different life and I miss him dearly every day. I am moving on slowly but surely and growing stonger every day, but I will never forget him or our special love.

Wishing all of you peace... Linda

[rodless]

michele, weird is a great way to describe this...up, down, all around over and over and over. And samrtb is right, too...time is all mixed up. One day when the phone rings at 11:00 I think it's Rod checking on lunch plans, the next day it seems like I can't even remember any other way of living but this one. Weird! I think the grief will always hit us to some extent and I suppose each year will be a marker but I hope we can all stop counting months, number of holidays etc. at some point. It's a lousy way to live. And on that note I'm going to tuck myself and dog into bed. Hope Wednesday's a good day for all of us. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Good for you, Linda. (you must have been posting while I was writing) I can't imagine what you've been through. Reading your notes always gives me a boost to think how you have pulled yourself together without a home to cling to. very inspiring as I sit here and feel sorry for myself. You deserve a special happiness and I hope this new life works out great. MJ

[armaiti]

Linda, I agree with Mary Jo - you are one brave lady. And I try to be thankful for what I do have, a roof over my head, good friends and a spiritual community, and the love Ishaq and I shared for ten and half years. Every night our kitty Akbar curls up next to me, he was the cat that Ishaq got for us - he picked him out more than I did, and Akbar follows me around the house from room to room, sits on the arm of the chair while I watch TV, even lays on the bathrug while I take a bath. It does help to have a furry friend to cuddle up to when I go to sleep (though often he seems to take over the bed). I live in a beautiful area, even if the house is a little old and funky, with a great landlord, with crickets and bluejays and hummingbirds out side my front window, and a river just a block away. It's easy to fall into a hole feeling sorry for myself, but I'm trying to remember when I do what things I do have. Not that I'm pushing the grief aside, but learning to have gratitude can dull the pain for me a little bit.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night,

Anna

[airymoon]

this is the 14th month for me and last month was hard, im not sure if it was harder than the rest or if i was bracing so hard for the one year mark that when it came and wasnt as bad as i thought it would be i thought i had turned the corner and then the next month i realized i was just preparing too hard and nothing had really changed. Then it was like a double whammy. No kurt, no better, and more months ahead. even weirder, it was almost like i thought he should have been here to experience the one year mark of his death because it was a big factor in my life and i needed him to help me through it but how could he be here cuz then IT wouldn't be here. i dont know if that makes sense or not. I guess it was just my needing him to get me through. This new life is very strange. When i think of my life with kurt it almost feels like i am thinking or talking of another person, in the third person sense. when i say kurt and i used to i know its me and i can picture me and him but it doesnt feel like me not the me i am now. I've decided there are 2 seperate becky's and although they may overlap on some things they are not the same person how can they be when part of me has been ripped away. maybe its part of the healing process letting go of the person i used to be with kurt and keeping just enough of me so that i dont lose him. Now maybe its time to try to accept my new life and try to do the best i can in it.samrtb it wont be like this forever i hope. ithink even if the pain doesn't go away it gets less noticable. thats how it s been for me.but your right when it hurts it really hurts and you feel like your losing your mind. it may not happen as often but it seems more intense. hopefully that will change too. during my bad day /days recently my 8 year old daughter said "not this again1 how long are you going to cry this time when daddy died you cried for 2 months now it will be 2 days then what?" Oh for the innocence of children! Her daddy is in heaven and he can still visit us even if we cant see him so she thinks i should stop crying so he doesnt get sad. Shes so Smart!!!

becky

[airymoon]

ok when i logged off and accidently saved the post this file popped up i forget i even had this poem but i guess it was telling me to share it with all of you.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (any where i go you go, my dear and whatever is done only by me

is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and its you whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows ( here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of a tree called life, which grows higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

[lindat]

Mary Jo and Anna - I think I might have gone crazy surrounded by the memories and trapped in a home where we had been happy. But that is just my feeling, I don't know. When Terry first died and I hit the road, I drove from place to place looking for somewhere that I could feel peace and relax. I couldn't stay anywhere long, because each place was just as miserable as the last. It took at least 6 months until I figured out that what I was running from was the overwhelming sadness inside me, and I was able to slow down a bit. We each have our own wall to climb, each of our situations is so very different, but the pain and sadness is the same and it is what is going on inside each of us that provides the bond that we have. We are all somewhat blessed to be going through this at a time when we can go online and feel the caring, love and friendship that is offered here. Just a few short years ago, we wouldn't have had this connection which sometimes is the only link to sanity and peace that I have.

[sidvis]

Lindat, I agree that having this connection to share thoughts here is a great thing. I know that even though I have moved on considerably more than some, I still like to read posts to keep me grounded, to remind me of where I've been and how much of a battle it is to gain acceptance of the life I've been given. I don't think I will ever take for granted again the ability to experience a happy feeling or a beautiful moment of life. Peace to all.

[lindat]

I too, have moved on so to speak. I have a wonderful man in my life that understands my grief and how it hits me sometimes at weird times. He makes me feel beautiful and desirable even though I am over 60, and he makes me laugh. It has been a time of change since the end of the first year, and I have joy in my life. That being said, these women in this place and those yet to come will always have a place in my heart - we have been through so much and only we really understand. I am glad you have been able to move on and glad you still come back to share a part of your life, it may give hope to someone and besides we worry about each other when we are gone too long.

[samrtb]

I agree that we are all fortunate to have this site to come to. my therapist is great, and my friends try, but it is comforting to have someplace to go at any time of night or day where everyone is supportive and understands what you are going through. i tried a support group locally, and i felt too awkward sitting in a room full of people crying and talking about my boyfriend. even just reading other posts, which i do several times a day, helps me and comforts me.....

so thank you :-)

steph

[samrtb]

and ps, airymoon, the poem is beautiful. thanks for posting it!