I Miss Him So...

[lauraa]

Iocasti,

I know how you feel...it is a process if trying to figure this whole thing out. I think because of the shock of them being gone (and I think we all experience that feeling of shock if they were sick for a long time or "passsed" suddenly)because we now have to live without them as much as we don't want to...it takes a long time to accept that fact. I go in spirals...I think I have worked thru one stage but then before I know it I'm right back again.....One thing I know for sure is we all have to take care of ourselves at this vulnerable time...And, I know for sure if we don't do it "no-one" else will. It is so sad what we all have been thru here...that is why I cry...I can still see my husbands eyes the day he "passed" and he closed them....I will never forget that! He should not have died....he was in his prime and going strong.

JEN, I am applauding you right now...You need to go. Go with a pure heart in knowing that you are doing the right thing....make it a new beginning...Your husband will be proud of you...take care of Brady as he is the priority. The 14 year old us playing everyone like a fiddle....you can't feel better sampling anti-depressants as it takes 4-6 weeks to build a level in your system...I think ther psychiatrist needs to know she is doing that. Grandma is going to have to take a stand here with "her" grand daughter...She is not your responsibility. I do feel for her as she is going thru a rough time of loosing her dad but the situation is complicated and she shouldn't be adding to it......

SILLYGIRL, Thank you for your support...I really feel the tension building but I have someother things (political) going on....it isn't easy! Everyone please breather today and know that god will not abandon those who grieve.

[pandorra]

Punkinswife, your story made me think of the novel The Pilot's Wife. Have you read it. It is a story similar to yours. Maybe you would like it. It was very good.

I hope everyone has been doing okay. I had a bad day yesterday but I actually went out with my lab manager last week. She came to me crying because fiance dumped her out of the blue. I don't know why she came to me when she knew others much better. Maybe because she knew I was going through a loss. I actually talked about my situation for the first time. So maybe it helped. She wanted to go out to eat with me so I went. While walking around a spiritual store, the man who worked there grabbed my hand and asked if I did art and played piano. I said yes. He gave us both a stone and said to meditate on it because we need our minds to be still. He offered to do a reading of any type for me for free. MAybe its a sign and I will go back to him. It felt good to go out and forget about things for a while. But the minute I was in my car driving home, I started crying and coudln't stop. Because normally I would be going to my love after being with a friend. I woudl be excited to tell him about the time I had. Man this sucks.

I ask "why" about 100x a day.

Jen, YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO GLAD you are LEAVING!!!! You will be glad also. it is NOT a positive environment for you at ALL. Good for you.

[jenmulloy]

Laura and Pandorra, Thank you so much for your support and reassurance. I go back and forth on a daily basis trying to figure out what to do and where to go. The more I talk to my friends back home, and home sounds weird since I've been out here for 8 years, the more I want to be there. I have a friend who has been taking her real estate agent around looking at houses for me and emailing me pictures and prices. I knew I wouldn't be out there until July at the earliest and she found this really great house that the buyers can't get out of until June 30. How's that for a sign of whether or night I'm making the right decision? I know Brad didn't think highly of Louisiana, but I also know Brad wouldn't want me to be miserable either. If I hate it I can always move back, but I have to give my gut feeling a try. You guys should see this house, it's beautiful and it has a full fenced in yard Brady can play in. It feels weird to be excited about something again. I guess the thought of being able to live my life the way I want to live it gives me a little bit of hope.

Everyone, I hope all is as well as can be and that the days are slowly getting more bearable because I know they'll never be easy.

[punkinswife]

Pandorra, Thanks for recommending the book. I will read it. To the others who replied, thank you too for the suggestions. He has been gone over seven months and I am trying to go on, but it is so hard. I know he loved me - his last words to me on the day he had his accident were "I love you." I know he is so much better off where he is, but it is hard to understand why we have to deal with all of what was left behind. I am in the process of cleaning out and selling his parents' home, his antique automobile collection, and his tractor collection by myself. I have friends to give advice and help, but it's not like having children or a partner. I just pray all the time that I'm doing the right things and that he'd approve. In one way I feel guilty about all the money I have from selling his things, but then I think of all the money he spent on weekends with his girlfriend and the guilt goes away. I wonder how long it takes for the pain of loss to go away.

[snowflake21]

I am a bit confused on how to use this site so please bare with me.

I lost my husband of 20 years on September 12th, 2001 at 2:45am. He died suddenly of a massive heart attack. We have two sons who are now 20 & 16. People think that after three years I should be doing just fine. I am not just fine. He was my soul mate and now my soul is gone. I so want to be with him. I do not fit into this world without him. I do my best every day for my two sons but the older they get the harder it gets for me. They do not need me as much any more and I spend the majority of my life alone and in tears. I do not know how to move on without him. I miss his laughter and the laughter he brought into my life. I lost my best friend from high school when we were 15 years old. She died in a car accident. Four months later my Mother died of lung cancer. Ten years later I lost my Father. In between those losses I lost all of my grand parents and then my husband. I cannot bare any more hurt. I am terrified that I will lose my sons too and I can barely function any more due to this fear. I need help and I do not know where to turn.

[computermemaw2]

Snowflake, I think you need to make an appointment with your doctor. Talk with him/her about your feelings. It sounds like you're getting to a point where you're not able to function because of your grief. It may be that you need to be on anti-depressants or that you might need to talk to a grief counselor. I know where you're coming from. I lost my husband of 33 years 1 Jan 2004. It's been the hardest 14 months of my life. The idea of living my life the way I am now for the next 5, 10, 20 or more years without my husband terrifies me. I don't want to be here without him either. I am on anti-depressants myself. My doctor put me on them after 8 months. I cry for no reason, lots of times not even realizing I'm crying until I go to wipe the tears off of my cheeks. For me, part of the time gone by seems like an eternity to me, the other part it still seems like yesterday when my husband died--also of a massive, unexpected heart attack. He was too young, we should have had more time together, and I'm still in disbelief that something like this could have happened to him. I know your fears of being alone. I also understand about your children growing older and not needing you any more. My 2 sons are in the Army and both live in NY now at the same base. That makes me happy they're at the same location. It'd been 6 years that my 2 boys and their sister had seen each other, and it took their father dying before they were all able to be together at one time. One son had to come from Korea. My daughter lives at the end of my street. We've grown closer since her dad died, but words can't describe how lonely I still am and how much I still miss my husband. At first I didn't want to go on the anti-depressants because i was afraid they'd mask my feelings of grief and I know I need to face them. But it's amazing how, at times, grief can over take you and start consuming you. I do know, though, that we can't give into it completely. Because if we do, it'll eat us alive. I know we don't want to be here without our loved ones, but we are. For what reason I can't even begin to guess at, but you've got to key in on that there's some reason we're still here and we've got to try and keep going on. You focus on just one day at a time. When I try to look farther than that I get terrified. I'm not afraid of being by myself, I just don't want to be without my husband. This isn't how any of us expected our lives to become. I'll keep you in my thoughts. But you get on that phone first thing tomorrow and call your doctor. And if you don't have one, you take out your phone book and look doe one. My doctor is an internist. Start there if nothing else. Try and find a support group. It's good that you found us here. We'll all try and help. Sometimes I think that's what's keeping me sane. If I can feel that I'm being of use to someone else, then it keeps me from concentrating on myself and feeling sorry for myself. Please let us know that you've made an appointment for yourself. And you keep posting here so we can keep in touch with you! Gayle

[cvaughan598]

To all those here who have kids... Happy Mother's Day. Mother's are indeed special and if it were up to me, it would be more than one day of recognition. Today would have been Rikki's first "Mother's Day." I took flowers to the cemetary on Friday morning and by Saturday night, they were gone. Didn't even make it to Sunday. Last year, I didn't do anything for Rikki, I took her to dinner for Mother to be day... but it wasn't a big thing then. Not even to her. Even I knew then what I know now... I'd have given her the world for Mother's Day last year. Friday was 9 months and now Mother's Day all in one weekend. Needless to say I've been miserable trying to call my friends and family and mothers, grandmothers, etc. Wishing them a happy mothers day and all I want to do is give Rikki and kiss and have a present for her from Madison and tell her happy mothers day. I did at the cemetary but it isn't the same. She is going to miss out on ALL of Madison's firsts. She has missed so many of them already. I know she watches over me, I feel her when I'm struggling the most. But it isn't the same as being able to put my arms around her and tell her I love her. I miss my girls. Now I just have one. I do what I can for her... but wouldn't it be nice to be a family for longer than two weeks...

Even through my struggles you are all in my thoughts and prayers because I know that what I feel... you all feel too.

Chris

[jenmulloy]

This was a huge struggle today. My brother-in-law took me to dinner along with my niece and mother-in-law and there were so many families. I didnt want to be there, but I didn't want to be alone. I think he tried to let me know he knew it was Mother's Day because I had a dream that he filled a room full of roses and cards and gifts. I opened the card and read some of it, how much he loved me, then I woke up. Brady will be two in a month and I keep remembering his first birthday. My friend Lori took pictures of the three of us blowing his candles out and playing with his new toys. God I hate this. I can't make it through all these firsts, I'm just not strong enough. He'd always buy me so many different things, then tell me how spoiled I was. Not spoiled enough I guess because the one thing I want right now I'll never get, not for all the money in the world. I got my necklace with our picture on it the other day. I guess my present to myself I suppose. I've been crying a lot lately and I feel like I'm sliding back down hill again, not that I was half way up or anything.

[lauraa]

Hello Everyone,

Yesterday was o.k. for me....my kids are amazing...My boys (19 and 15) took my husbands wedding band to a jeweler to have it repaired so I can wear it on a chain around my neck...they were careful to point out that the ring was inscribed by me to him...."I love you" ...so they will fix that. The ring was cut off of my husbands finger by a jeweler. I know a part of him died that day when his ring was cut off....sad, sad, sad! I have learned some very hard lessons thru all of this....my biggest disappointment is people and their abandonment???? I'll never understand it....I really do feel alone in raising my family but I do know my husband is so deeply buried in my heart and soul and at least I have that....I miss him more with each passing day....I still wake up at night in total disbelief that he has "passed" and ache to have him back....I think sometimes we hurt so bad that we don't care if we live or die and that is the struggle we all have to face on a daily basis....we all know they would want us to go on and be happy.......I guess that will take time////lots of time! You are all in my heart and in my prayers...Love to all.

[jenmulloy]

Laura

Brad had to have his first wedding band cut off because of his diabetes. He was extremely upset when that happened. I have the original one, and the one he was wearing when he died. I wore it for a long time, but it was really loose, so I put it in my safe. I have to put everything in there anymore because his family goes through my stuff. Regi steals stupid things from me, but she has been going through my jewelry lately and there is no way she is going to get anything from me if she's snooping in my stuff. I don't have a lot of jewelry from Brad, but the stuff I have is extremely nice and I won't have her stealing it from me. I gave her all the pictures I have of the two of them, besides the ones that I'm putting together for her in the album I've been making for her for the past 7 years. She always tells me how much she hates me and how I never do anything for her. Well, everything I've done for her is in that book. Birthday parties, movies, vacations, etc. Maybe one day she'll realize I did anything and everything I could for her and I guess that's why I'm so hurt by her yelling at me and telling me nasty things all the time. I'm not a perfect person by any means, but I loved that child like she was my own. I always referred to her as my daughter. I can't change how she feels and lord knows I've tried to prove to her I care about her, but I can't force anything and I can't put the rest of my life on hold for a child that doesn't want me around anymore. She made a comment that her dad and his ex from high school should've been together and that would've been so cool. She loves Gina and told her she wished she were her mother. Gina was never around until Brad died and now she's telling Regi the relationship her dad and her had. I told regi that her dad told me the reason they didn't make it and she relayed it to her and Gina said that she didn't remember a lot of things in her past, that she blacked out the bad things. Convenient, but I told regi i wasn't going to play high school games. I told her that her dad had every chance to be with her before and during our marriage and he obviously made his choice. She may not have liked it, but she didn't have a say so. Anyway, I'm at the point where I feel like I need to get out of here now, but I will wait until the first of July.

[pandorra]

Im sorry you have to go through that Jen. It will be good for you to get out of that environment. It would be hard for you to heal in all that negativity. And I know he wouldn't want you to be in a place that was making you unhappy.

Hope everyone is managing. I had a HUGE backslide this past weekend. The girl who got dumped urged to me to go out with her and some girls at work to see a movie and dinner. It was okay. I couldn't help but think I would never be out to dinner or a movie with HIM again. But I managed to get my mind off of things for a bit. But the next day and Mother's day I was a disaster. Couldn't stop crying. couldn't get out of bed. Then I came to work on MOnday and got an email reminder of his BIRTHDAY this month. Its this email service you send out to your friends and they fill in their b-day date and then it emails you with their age and bday when their day is coming up. It was so startling to get that. To see his name and his age that he would have been and cute card suggestions. Sucks.

I catch myself just zoning out and shaking my head sometimes. Cuz i just can't believe it. I really can't. How does someone that is such a strong presence in life just not exist anymore.

My mum is worried about me. She made an appointment for me to see an acupuncturist for stress and hair loss cuz my hair is just falling out. That's all I need now is to be bald on top of everything else. That would be my luck. *sigh*

[olsoncmt]

Hey All,

Mark here, and not really sure where to post anything, but guess I'll start here. April 11th, I lost my Partner of 11 years, also named Mark. He had an unexpected heart attack while taking a nap, and I found him on the couch. He'd already been gone a while, so there was no hope of getting him back even with 911. His was the most recent of a flurry of deaths...

In October my oldest Brother, Mike, died of aortic anurism (sp) while camping in his sleep. Again, unexpected and he went in his sleep. In January, my Mom died in her sleep of heart failure. She'd lived with Mark & I for the past 6 years, and although she wasn't in good health, we weren't expecting her to go yet, and certainly not of heart failure. She'd been gone a while too when I found her. I've also lost some extended family and freind recently.

When Mike, my brother died, I'd dealth with death so knew the process and was dealing with it. Then Mom died, and after I took care of her "estate", closing her last bank account, I nose dived into severe clinical depression. My doc put me on anti-depressants and sleep medication, and I was just getting to feel myself again, getting back to yard work, actually "giving a sh*t" about life again. Then Mark died... the meds aren't working as well, I feel the depression hitting harder. Both Mom & Mark were my rocks in life... those that I went to when I needed support, unconditional love, advice, shoulder, etc. My "old" doctor's rememdy to my grief the day after Mark died was to "check into a psych ward to deal with it" which didn't set well with me. He's no longer my doctor.

Anyways, a friend recommended this site, so figured I'd post something and see. Thanks for letting me vent a little and hope to hear from anyone that may have been thru some of the hell I have been thru. My heart goes out to all that have lost loved ones, and only we know how we're feeling about it first hand. Counceling can be a benefit, but all too often, those that are in the field gain their experience thru books and classes, and if you've not dealt with it personally, you just don't understand fully.

Trying to hang in there, and hoping everyone else is too.

Hugs,

Mark

[lauraa]

Hi Mark,

First off...I am very sorry to hear about your losses and all the pain you are feeling. You are so right when you say that we know because we all have experienced it....my therapist has been widowed 2x so when I talk with her I know she truely understands. I'll bet you have a phobia about sleep and finding your love ones gone...I can only imagine the anxiety you are feeling. I lost my dad, my husband and my mom all in 6 months time....Monday, May 16th will be my one year anniversary without him by my side....my soulmate! Please know we all understand here and will help support and guide you thru all your feeling and emotions...we all understand and are/have felt all of it. Be prepared for anything and know it is o.k....Please know all your loved ones are in a great place and watching over you with great love...I really believe that. You are in my heart and prayers today.

[sillygirl]

Good Morning to Everyone...I havent been here in alittle while so thought I would stop in. First of all, Mark, I am so sorry to hear about all of the pain that you are feeling right now. I lost my husband 15 months ago so yes I know just how you feel. I still, after 15 months still have days when I miss him. I found a video tape the other day of a trip that we took to NC when he was in remission, he was singing at this bar we had stopped at with some of our friends, Bob Segers, "Turn the Page" and I just lost it. But after I felt so much better. So Mark, just know that we all here are with you and please write anytime. You are in my prayers.

Jen...Yes I think that you are doing the right thing by moving and trying to start over. It is a hard decision to make, but you have to think of what is best for you and your family. Stay strong. You are in my prayers also.

Laura...Hope that all is going better with you. I have thought about you lately as I know that the 1 year anniversary is quickly approaching. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers on Monday the 16th. I know how you feel right now.

To everyone else, I pray that you are all doing well and just making it from day to day. Our loved ones are not really gone in the spiritual sense, they have just taken a vacation from this life. Gods peace and blessings to all. Sue

[jenmulloy]

Mark, I am terribly sorry for your loss. You have picked the right website for comfort. I lost my husband in November 2004 and still wake up thinking I'm going to find him the way I found him that morning. I lost my grandmothers shortly before then and prayed that was all God had in store for me for a while. The only thing I can think of is that he's short some good people up there. I know that's no consolation to the loss we all feel daily, but I have to believe that someone needed him something bad to take him at 34 with a 14 year old and a 1 year old. I don't know, I'll never understand, but I will tell you I go through a rollercoaster of emotions, which is expected. Everyone keeps telling me time heals all, and I'm young and I'll find someone else. I keep thinking blah blah blah blah blah. That doesn't make it easier and it adds to the anger. You know, if it weren't for my son I don't think I'd still be here sometimes. I know that sounds awful, but that's how I feel on most days. The pain just doesn't seem to go away and I do things and I want to call him or hurry home to see him and I don't get an answer or see him when I get there. You have a lot on your plate and you need to take care of you. If it's one thing I've learned in the past 5 1/2 months, it's you you need to worry about, not everybody else. Trying to please everyone has just made this grieving process worse for me. So it's me and Brady and to heck with everyone else. I'm only legally responsible for the two of us, so the two of us it is. I hope you are coping the best you can and keep posting, we are all here for your support. Lord knows I wouldn't have made it through these times without this website.

[nimbus55]

I don't know who is here that would remember me...to those of you who do, hi..I'm back. To those of you who don't...welcome. You have come to a good place.

So yesterday was the 5th anniversary of Jeff's passing...and April 19th was the second anniversary of Richard's passing...I still miss Jeff terribly, and May 12th is always hard for me. Strangely...I don't miss Rich as much...perhaps we had not fully bonded, because although we were engaged he was quite ill most of the time and my role seemed consigned to that of nursemaid rather than lifemate...or perhaps I was still in shock over losing my soul mate, Jeff, just three years prior. I don't know...

Life has not been the kindest oevr the last few years...it often isn't...but we persevere...just before Rich died, I sold the cottage that Jeff and I bought. I suppose I could have called the sale off, but I decided it was time to move on and let go of the memories. After a 5 week road trip, with my daughter, to California (to close the apartment there and settle his estate as best I could) I chose to give up my visa - I'm Canadian and I had a fiancee visa - and move into an apartment in a small town on lake Ontario that Jeff and I loved to visit. I was laid off in January of 2002, and had not found work in all that time...so money was very tight but the equity in the cottage, although very modest, helped me settle into my new life. And thank goodness for it as I did not find work again for another year and a half! I was ready to sell my car to pay rent by that time...but thankfully, a job offer arrived in the nick of time...very theatrical.

Then it was discovered that my lawyer stole my mortgage money - about $103K...I had been paying interest for 16 months while the lawyer and the bank searched for a "missing" cheque...I was assured by both the bank and the lawyer that someone would repay me as soon as they figured out who was in error, and to just sit tight...I trusted the lawyer for a number of reasons...we had used him before - several times - to purchase and then sell our townhouse in Toronto, and then to buy the cottage...all transactions went off without a hitch. Secondly, he and his wife lived in the same complex as us and we had a good relationship with them, thirdly he was featured regularly on a local news show and was considered the very model of a young, up-and-coming legal star. The very bank that holds my mortgage had recommended him to others as a good reliable lawyer. No one knows what happened, but about 800K in total is missing and I'm deeply embroiled in a very messy legal case...

Ironically, the bank is also the company that hired me...go figure...lol.

So life remains interesting...

I have enrolled in Art school..but of course, when I applied I had enough money set aside...now, of course, I don't - le sigh - so I'm taking courses piecemeal as I can afford them. My aim is to complete my degree and then go for a teaching certificate. I can't see myself being a technical writer forever...lol..and I have no plans to be forced into retirement in 20 years or so..lol.

My daughter is doing well..she has been a rock. I seem to have drifted (or been tactfully forced) out of Jeff's family's lives...not sure how I feel about that...we were so close after he died, and I truly miss them...but I feel they made their choice and perhaps my presence is an unwelcome reminder of the past...so I respect their wishes.

And I have met another man - he is quite a bit younger than me, also an artist and we seem to be happy together...I'll see where it leads...he's very down to earth and keeps me tethered, which god knows, I need...heh. I have a tendancy to float away. He is respectful of the deep love I still feel for my Jeff, and the strange, somewhat needy relationship I shared with Rich, and has been like a healing balm poured over my very bruised soul...a gentle, compassionate man.

I'm a little scared to love again...but he makes it easy...I have a lot of hope...

Anyway...that's where things are at...not sure where they are headed, but right now, I seem to be content...so right now..life is good.

Much love to all of you

[lauraa]

Sillygirl,

Thank you your encouragement and prayers. I know you have already gone thru the one year anniversary. All I can say is I am deeply sad. I feel like I am reliving everything all over again. I feel like running and never stopping or coming back. I am tortured by memories and being able to see his eyes. He was the most tender man I have ever known and I miss him sorely. I don't know how I can accept this loss. It is surreal! It feels like a nightmare and I haven't woken up from it yet...then we I do...well, you know! I will keep everyone here in my heart and please at least know we have a common bond and even though we feel alone we have each other to lean on. This is a rough weekend for me!

[cvaughan598]

Have been doing surprisingly well for what has happened to me. But I wanted to post here today to let Laura know I was thinking about her and praying for her on the one year anniversary of losing her soulmate. I don't have much to say, don't know what to say... Can't imagine how I'm going to feel in two months when I get to the same mark. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers Laura.

Chris

[jenmulloy]

Laura,

For once I don't know what to say support wise for you and your one year anniversary. I know it isn't easy and I pray you find some peace and sanity to help you make it through something you already think about so much daily. You have been a rock for so many people here and I honestly don't know where I'd be without all of the support you've given me and I can only think God sent me here to this site for just that reason. I have quite a while for a year, but everyday seems like an eternity without him and I'm sure you know the feeling. You are definately in my thoughts and prayers and my love goes out to you and your family at such a heartwrenching time.(I'm beginning to sound like a hallmark card so I'll leave my thoughts and prayers with you)

Jen

[jlizzy]

Laura and everyone,

Hi. i havent been on for awhile,it's been very hectic. My son

opened up a store and I kept busy helping him.

I got to see a physic and get a reading. It was amazing and I

felt good afterwards, but now I miss Bob even more than I did.

I was doing fairly well, the tears had slowed down; now, after

the reading, I am crying again and my heart aches for Bob.

I do believe it was my husband talking because of the things

that he said. At one point, he told me to feel the breeze

around my head for it is him; my hair moved on my neck and

I felt the breeze across my face. I was facing the physic

and his hair didnt move at all.

My husband told me that I am trying to kill myself by stressing

out like I am; he said I have to stop stressing and relax.

Bob did say that he is near water, where I want to be, and he

is waiting for me there.

Next week will be 11 months and I dont know how I will be

now. I still have plans to take 7 grandchildren out to a

cowboy city near us on the 1 year anniversary on June 27th.

But you are right, I have been reliving everything since

Jan 1st and it gets worse as the months go by. I keep

asking why I didnt do things different to help him more;

what am i supposed to do with the rest of my life.

I am okay when friends come from Jersey to spend time with

me; but I feel so terribly lost and empty when they leave

to go home. I hate this feeling and I want to wake up like

everyone here.

I now have coffee with Bob every morning, The physic says

this is natural. He said it would help me release Bob

and put him in the place where he belongs in my heart.

How do people get over this and remarry?

One day at a time everyone. That's all we all can do.

Even though that is very hard for us.

My prayers are with you all

Joy

[nimbus55]

This is to Joy. I recognize where you are...I was there too...all of us have been or will be coming up to the one year mark and going through hell...for myself...it's been five years since my Jeff died, and two since I lost Rich. I ran into a second relationship a scant year after Jeff died, mainly, I believe, to stop being alone...I was living in our cottage up north - it was very isolated, and I was in serious danger of turning into a living memorial to my Jeff...I think I would have been content to spend my entire life surrounded by his things, liivng in the past and completely unable to move forward...caught in a time warp. But Rich urged me to come out to California and start a new life. It was too soon...he became gravely ill and I ended up his nursemaid. Now...I feel I have finally shaken off the bonds...I finally located my Jeff's grave...his family would not tell me where he was buried...I have no idea why. They did not even tell his daughter, which I think is unforgivable. We visited it last Saturday for the first time...after five years, it still hurts to be here without him, but for the most part, I am happy theese days..I miss him terribly, but the pain is not as great as it was..I can go on with my life...I've incorporated this loss into my soul...it will always hurt, but it's managable. I've now found a wonderful human being who is entirely supportive of how I feel about Jeff, he has been solid and caring and feels like warm oil over very troubled waters...he's given me my life back. How do we love again? Very easily...we love our parents, our childen, our friends...we have a tremendous, I would even say iulimited, capacity to love. Many of us have mistaken need for love and rushed nto anew relationship too soon, but it's a step some of us needed to heal our broken hearts...some of us cling to our children or our parents, and some - a rare few - heal all alone...but we all heal. Myheart goes out to you and everyone of us here..we have experienced the worst kind of pain and it feels as if the wound in our souls will never close..but it wil..given time...and love...

May you all find that love...

Nim

[jlizzy]

Nim,

Thank you. At least there is hope that I will heal to the point

that I can go on living my life. I found this site by accident

last year and I have gotten so much help from everyone here.

I dont know what I would do without all of you.

I am trying to get through this myself, there really isnt

anyone who understand what I am going through. None of my

friends or cousins have had this happen to them and I am

grateful that they havent. I had Bobs help whenever I needed

it and now he's gone.

It's funny, but I know what I must do to get on with my life;

I just cant do it. I can tell others, but I cant do it myself.

I guess that maybe I shouldnt have gotten the reading; it

seems to have moved me backwards. Or is it so that we move

ahead 3 steps and take one step backwards.

I appreciate what you have said, I know it isnt easy for

you either.

I tend to ramble nowadays, sorry. I just cant think as

straight as i used to. Well, someday.

God Bless

Joyce

[biadmin]

Make a Buddy Connection

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http://www.beyondindigo.com/buddyfind/index.html

[jenmulloy]

I was talking to Aimee, a girl I work with, and she was saying that she thought it was a sin to use psychics of any sort to try and contact someone who has crossed over. That it says in the bible that doing that is satanic and not right. She believes that when you cross over you know you had a bond with the people you love, but you don't remember what kind of relationship you had with them and everything in your past life you won't remember. I guess I don't get surprised anymore, but everyone is entitled to their beliefs. She also said that too many people want to go to heaven just to see loved ones and not to serve God anymore. I think it was the fact that she was basically telling me that wanting to know Brad is ok was wrong because it involves using something that will condemn me. There are too many people and too many occurances that involve after life contact for me to believe that my husband, my grandmothers and friends that have passed don't remember us. My husband comes to me in my dreams and so many weird things have happened since he passed that make me believe he is still here. How could you not remember you had a beautiful son just a year before you died. I guess I just get mad when someone tries to make me feel stupid I suppose.

Anyway, I hope all finds you as well as can be and I think about all of you all the time. I haven't heard from some of you in a while, I hope you are all doing okay.

Jen

[lauraa]

To All my dear friends...Chris, Jen, Joyce, Sillygirl,

Yes, it has been a very difficult week for me and thru it all I had to perservere for my kids with all their activities. When I'm alone I cry and boy did I cry. It hasn't gotten easier for me yet....probally more difficult in alot of ways. Everytime I sit thru one of the kids sporting events, etc. I walk away very sad as my husband and I use to coach all of them/and now I sit with couples and just watch...I feel everytime like my heart is being ripped out. I am trying every moment of everyday to find peace. A good friend of mine asked me about a month away how I was and I asked her if she wanted the truth or if she wanted me to sugar coat it? She wanted the truth...I told her I worked hard on a daily basis not to fall into a deep profound depression over the loss of the love of my life. My whole situtation is very complicated and anger for my loss fuels me so I am trying to channel my emotions appropriately....very difficult to find a balance and conserve my energy and still be present for my children and run a home, etc. I appreciate everyones caring thoughts and prayers for me...It means so much to me to know that I have made a difference in "all" of your lives. Remember, even though you feel alone without your loved ones we all have each other here to help and no-one knows more than us because we have been thru it. I think what makes this entire process so much more difficult is the phase we go thru to where we are angry with god...because we feel alone enough already. All I know if I have had to dig deep into my soul to survive this. Thank you all for all your kind words, thoughts and prayers....I need them! I always keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

[hmtod73]

I was talking to Aimee, a girl I work with, and she was saying that she thought it was a sin to use psychics of any sort to try and contact someone who has crossed over. That it says in the bible that doing that is satanic and not right. She believes that when you cross over you know you had a bond with the people you love, but you don't remember what kind of relationship you had with them and everything in your past life you won't remember. I guess I don't get surprised anymore, but everyone is entitled to their beliefs. She also said that too many people want to go to heaven just to see loved ones and not to serve God anymore. I think it was the fact that she was basically telling me that wanting to know Brad is ok was wrong because it involves using something that will condemn me. There are too many people and too many occurances that involve after life contact for me to believe that my husband, my grandmothers and friends that have passed don't remember us. My husband comes to me in my dreams and so many weird things have happened since he passed that make me believe he is still here. How could you not remember you had a beautiful son just a year before you died. I guess I just get mad when someone tries to make me feel stupid I suppose.

Anyway, I hope all finds you as well as can be and I think about all of you all the time. I haven't heard from some of you in a while, I hope you are all doing okay.

Jen

hi jen, well, technicly (sp) your friend is correct. it does say somewhere in the bible that is a sin to use a physic. and many religions try to stay away from those aspects of the afterlife. however, if you are comfortable with using a psychic, then do so. but it is recommended to use them no more than 2x a year..........you don't want to become "dependant" on the info they give you, as to how you lead your life. talk with your loved one on your own too. i believe that our loved ones never really leave us. they can hear us and they will respond. you friend IS intitled to her own opinion. and that is whatever she is comfortable with. but she MUST RESPECT YOUR OPINIONS too in this healing/grieving process. and you must respect her opinions too. it is nice to have a discussion with her about what each of you "believe" as long as it is stated that it is a discussion and not a means of trying to change the other person's views. did i make any sence here???? i also feel that it is important to educate yourself on a subject of interest. the more informed you are the easier it is to be content with things. it is very hard for me to accept other's opinions (when they differ from mine) in a subject matter that i have a strong connection with. but i am trying very hard to be respectful to them and their views. i work at that every day. do whatever you feel is best and what you are comfortable with. i wish you the best. heather

[sillygirl]

Hi to all...Well today would have been Jerrys' 40th birthday. He passed when he was 38. He always told me that he would never live to see his 40th birthday and he was right, how he knew I have no idea. Well my girls and I went and bought 3 Mylar balloons and went to the cemetary, wished him a Happy Birthday and let the balloons go and watched them until we couldnt see them anymore. A sad time but to just know that he is not in pain anymore and that he is spending his b-day with God helps. Hope that everyone is doing ok. We are all here for each other, alone we are weak but together we are strong! You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Sue

[jenmulloy]

Sillygirl

My husband was 34 when he died and he always told me he'd never live to 40. I used to get angry and sometimes he would tell me he wished he were dead. I think he knew a little more than he told me when he'd come back from doctor's appointments. He had heart surgery in 2002 for clogged arteries and the doctor's just kept telling him he was too young to have heart problems and all the other problems they found. A few of the doctors did tell him he'd be lucky to live to 40 and I told him to just prove them wrong, change his ways. He just put himself into a depression and pretty much gave up. I loved him with every piece of my heart, but I alone couldn't change how he felt about life. He lost his dad, found out he had heart problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and autopsy confirmed cirrhoisis, which explains all his abdominal pains. If I could wish him back, I would in a heartbeat, but not to the body he was in. A few days before he died he kept asking me weird questions that I just blew off, but I think for some reason, somehow, he knew more than he admitted. He didn't want people to feel sorry for him, but none of us never really knew how bad he really did feel. I only find peace knowing he's better where he's at and without the pain and suffering he consumed on a daily basis.

Heather,

I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion on all levels, but like you said, I don't believe they should try and convince you of their beliefs, which I have come across many times lately. I can't decide whether or not to see a psychic, it's tempting sometimes, but scary on other levels. I guess if I feel it's the right time or right thing to do, I'll do it, but nothing about it has really told me to go out and do it right now, I don't think I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. A lot of people I talk to say it makes it harder, a few says it's settled their worries and helped them move on. I don't know, I guess we'll see what the future holds, for now I'll talk to him like I have been and pray he hears me.

[lauraa]

Jen'

I agree with you about the medium thing...investigate it and think about it and don't rush into anything because like grieving we all need to do it our way and in our own time. As for me, I didn't even know what a medium was until I lost my husband...in the beginning of my grieving "process" I had to know where he was and if he was o.k....so I read everything I could get my hands on as far as the afterlife and mediums go. I have to say it has saved my life. I know their are freuds out there in every walk of life so yes, we do have to be careful and smart especially at this most vulnerable time. Some people think it is totally against our religion...well I guess that is where "you" are and how you look at it. All I know is that god knows what is pure in our hearts...we can not hide and everyone who does wrong will have their day. Check out www.bestpsychicmediums.com This was the start of my real journey. It has led me to some wonderful people that has only enhanced my spiritual beliefs.

Peace to all.

[jenmulloy]

I have decided to go back to where mom is in July. I haven't quite decided how to tell his mom. My friend Karen says I should just wait til the uhaul pulls up and let her know then seeing how I've dealt with so much for so long. I know Brady leaving will bother her, I'm not so sure about me not being here, but I could be wrong. I had a conversation with her about me leaving and she said she understood, but we'll see. July is coming up pretty quickly, so we'll see.

[lauraa]

Hi Jen,

Remember, it is your decision and you need to go where you feel the best. It will never be easy for you no matter where you are but you have to be where the support is the greatest...and, remember no matter where you are we will all be here for you. Keep in mind not to be spiteful but they all contributed to you making this decision to leave....I guess in a way they gave you a gift! There are airplanes, too! And, like you said the cost of living is easier and we like that. Where-ever you go your loved one will be, too! Follow you heart and gut...they are always right......Your friend always.

[sillygirl]

Jen...I am facing the same situation also. Next summer I will be moving back to Michigan with my 2 girls and leaving my husbands family here. I know that some of his family will be sad when we leave but I also know that some will not. Ever since Jerry passed, I have felt like an outsider at times. My girls are treated differently since their dad is now gone. I figured that I just had to do what was best for me and the girls and that is to move back home. I know that my mother-in-law wont come to see the girls as she does not understand why I am leaving and doesnt approve of the man that I am seeing. But that is not my problem. And yes, like Laura said, there are airplanes and also telephones, so it works both ways. I wish you all the best of luck in your new life. Please take care and remember that we are all here, you'll never be alone, no matter where you are or what you do. Sue

[biadmin]

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[jenmulloy]

Sue and Laura,

I don't know what I'd do without support like yours. I question myself daily about where I should be. If it's a good day here, I'll think, hey, maybe I could make it. But bottom line is, my real support is back where Mom is. Sue, I totally relate with feeling like an outkast in his family now, except they want Brady here and not me. I could be wrong but even my mother in law made the comment about when will she ever get to see Brady if I leave. You can fly out to see me. The whole eight years Brad and I were together we spent 1 holiday with my family, 1 in 8 years. Laura, I know whenever I need help you'll be here and I look forward to your kind words and support at the end of the day. I sit here and think how my life is under a microscope with his family and they are watching my every move and I hate that. One day I will have to be on my own, might as well get started. If I buy a house here, I'll get the she has more money than she let on, if one day I ever see anyone again, I'll get it's too soon. I'm going absolutely crazy. Yesterday I was blamed for ripping arms off a chair and throwing them away. Hello??? Why would I do that, that's crazy? Anyway, thank you for all your support.

[sillygirl]

Jen...You are right, if and when the time comes that you do meet someone else, even if they are just a good friend, you will hear, that its too soon. Im down that road right now and have been for a while now. My mother-in-law tells me all the time that how can I see someone else, well she isnt the one that is alone, she has a husband. Being alone really sucks, Jerry never wanted me to be alone, and I have told her that many times but...You have to do what you think is right and when it is right, you'll know in your heart. Stay strong and take care. Dont worry, I think that you're doin just great in regards to you, your life and your son. Sue

[lizesadie]

hi there, i'm new to this site. i live in south africa and lost my boyfriend, with whom i've been living 14 days ago (yes, i'm still counting). he was 34 years, 1 month and 3 days old and we were one of those couples that everybody wants to be. we were deliriously happy, still very much in love and determined to get married by next year.

now he's gone and there is this massive gaping hole in my life. some days i keep it together but mostly i feel profoundly depressed and that nobody really understands. i also feel lost and have absolutely no idea how to cope with my feelings and what to expect..

can anybody offer any advice?

[lauraa]

Jen,

Sue is so right! You know in your heart the truth about everything. His family is being very insensitive and wasting precious time and energy. You don't need that. You were left with a wonderful gift in Brady and I know you will do what is best for him and if moving back home where your support is then that is what's best for the two of you. Sure, any change won't be easy but you have to start with your gut feelings and go from there. You don't owe anyone an explanation nor do you owe anybody anything....It is about both of you surviving. God will lead you to where you need to be. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and fear sets in but then I have to offer it up and know I can't worry myself sick about earthly things because in the end, as we all know...it just doesn't matter....Only the truth. Only you and god knows what is real and pure in your heart and all of us. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! You don't have to defend yourself or explain yourself...just make the decision that is right for you. And, when you do go back home where your support is they will all help to lift you up and you will then clearly see what non-sense is going on now.........O.K! Have a great day!

[computermemaw2]

I can't decide whether or not to see a psychic, it's tempting sometimes, but scary on other levels. I guess if I feel it's the right time or right thing to do, I'll do it, but nothing about it has really told me to go out and do it right now, I don't think I'm ready. I don't know if I'll ever be ready.

Laura's reference to the bestpsychic website is a good one. I personally have had 2 readings with Glen Klausner and 1 with Carole Lynn. At each reading I'm convinced my husband came through. And, it's been the only time I honestly laughed because of some of the things my husband was doing; i.e., came dressed up as the Easter Bunny since my last reading was just before Easter--displaying the wierd sense of humor my husband has. I also received tapes of the readings that I listen to--since they seem to be my only connection so far with my husband. They also help me to keep my faith that there IS an afterlife and that one day I'll be with my husband again. Carole's reading was quite accurate and filled with several "can you verify this" and "does that make sense to you" questions, whereas with Glenn I never had to say anything. My readings were 8 months apart. I will tell you that for me my first reading was because of a desperation to verify to me that my husband still lives on and cares for me. The second reading was because I needed to feel some type of connection again. I miss my husband terribly, and, for me, if talking with a medium once a year helps me, then I'm doing it. It's hard keeping it all together for us right now and we've just got to try and be strong and hang in there--keep trying to put the feet going forward. I still cry every day, but I can now get ahold of my emotions better after a bit and say "okay now, enough is enough. It's not doing any good." And I MAKE myself get up and do something to get myself side tracked. We're here for you. Gayle

[computermemaw2]

hi there, i'm new to this site. i live in south africa and lost my boyfriend, with whom i've been living 14 days ago. Now he's gone and there is this massive gaping hole in my life. some days i keep it together but mostly i feel profoundly depressed and that nobody really understands. i also feel lost and have absolutely no idea how to cope with my feelings and what to expect..

can anybody offer any advice?

First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. There just aren't any other words to say to you. You're always going to keep track of the days I think. My husband died of a heart attack 1 Jan 04. New Year's Day. You can just imagine how I feel about starting off the new years now. My dear, we completely understand your feelings of being depressed and that nobody really understands. You're going to go through a number of emotions in the coming months. And sometimes, just when you think you're getting ahead, you're going to fall back. It seems at times to be an unending cycle. My suggestion to you would be to go to the library or bookstore and read some books on coping with grief. I don't know how you feel about the afterlife, but I also focused on those since I had to have some reassurance for myself that my husband still lives on, even though I can't physically see him. Since I believe in God, a higher being, power, or whatever you want to call it, I also believe there's more than what we have now. Since my husband's death, I'm convinced this life is my hell to endure until it's my time to pass. If I didn't believe that, I don't think I could go on. You're going to be sad, mad at your loved one, torn inside when you see couples, and feel deep sadness whenever you hear your favorite songs or see a TV show you used to watch together. But you've got to remember to MAKE yourself get up each day and take that deep breath and just do whatever you've got to do to get through the day. It's been almost 18 months and I still take it day by day. I'm on automatic. I occasionally get with my girlfriends and take in a movie. I also take my 9 year-old-granddaughter out to the movies about every other weekend to make myself get out of the house. I make myself work in the yard and if I can't sleep at night, I clean out closets or cabinets. You'll ask yourself a million questions of "why" or "what did I do wrong" or "why couldn't I have saved him" or "he never did anything wrong or didn't have a bad bone in his body--why him and not me". I found out my husband died due to hardening of the arteries--a condition he'd had for years according to the coroner. I can't tell you how many times I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying or screaming at the unfairness of it whenever someone would say to me "my husband has to go have bypass surgery because the doctor found out he has a blockage" or hear of someone who'd had a mild heart attack and was now recovering at home. We didn't even get a chance to fight his condition, even though he'd had 2 physicals during a 3-year period. I also listen to a CD I was given called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People." The message there is--it just does. God didn't make it happen, nothing we did or didn't do made it happen. It's just life. Admittedly it sucks right now--but that's the way it is. Keep coming back here. Talking helps. We make no judgements--you can say what you want. WE understand. Gayle

[jenmulloy]

Laura, you always make me smile. I do second guess myself, it's not hard to do these days, but I really do want to get out of here. I told my mother in law today at dinner. As for moving on, I don't see it in my near future, but I know my life is still moving on and will until it's time for me to leave this earth. My only prayer now is that I live long enough to see my son grow up, then after that, it's free territory. I am not willing to let people put me under a microscope, nor should I have to put up with it. My heart will always keep Brad in it, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I will visit just so I can visit his grave. As for our anniversary this year, it's my birthday also and I dont want to be here, I want to be with mom and my friends so I can cry on their shoulders and not be judged for a change. I hope all finds you guys as well as can be.

Jen

[computermemaw2]

Jen, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap (grin). I'm cheering you on girl! I'm so proud of you!!!!!!!! Making a decision to move forward, and especially one that is such a huge change for you, takes LOTS of guts--and you've got'em. Your husband didn't marry any dummy that's for sure!!!!! I'm also trying to take a big step forward. Since I have an embroidery sewing machine and I used to dearly love it and show off things I'd done to my husband for his opinion, I decided I needed to get back to sewing. A hard enough decision to do since there are so many small things my husband did for me in the sewing room....the cabinets he put up for me to hold my material, the computer desk he put together for me, my huge thread rack he made for me. I haven't been able to stay in there long the memories were just too strong. So anyways, now I also decided that since I just turned 54 and plan to stop working at 60 (I can draw upon Eddy's social security then), I'm going to try and start a home based embroidery business on the side while I'm still working. I took the plunge, gritted my teeth and bought another embroidery machine--an $8,000 machine--and CHARGED it. When I told one of my sons about the purchase he about choked over the phone. I very calmly told him "you know what? It's only money. You can't take it with you. I'm working a full-time job to pay for it. And I have credit life on the account so the house isn't in any danger and you kids don't have to worry if anything happens to me that you'll have to pay it off. I decided that nothing worse could happen to me that'd top the death of my husband and if the business attempt failed, oh well--I'd have 2 sewing machines instead of one. I've got 6 years to make it or break it. The whole moral to my LONG story (grin) is this--you won't know if you can do something unless you try. And, if you don't dream it, it won't happen. You go girl! We're cheering you on!!!!! Gayle

[jenmulloy]

Gayle,

Thank you, you've lifted my spirits today. I told my mother in law about me moving and I should have assumed she'd take it upon herself to tell the rest of the family because my niece got upset with me today. I'm looking at things to benefit me now, not everyone else because I'm tired of living my life for other people. Maybe I'm being selfish, but for the first time in my life I have to focus on me to benefit Brady. All we have is each other now and my life needs to be where I want it for us to be happy. Like I told my niece, nothing is permanent, except for when you pass of course, so if I hate living back home, I can always change that. I really think you need a support base to help you through what hard times lie before you and I see that in my mom and friends from high school. This is actually the first time in six months I've actually felt some kind of peace knowing that this is the right step for me right now. You will do awesome with your embroidering, I'm sure. Thank you so much for all your support, without this website I'd be lost right now.

Jen

[lauraa]

JEN, YOU GO GIRL! EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT. I THINK MAKING THE DECISION IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST PART. NOW THAT IS DONE AND YOU CAN MOVE ON. YOUR NOT DOING ANYTHING TO BE DEVIOUS, YOUR JUST DOING IT CAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO FOR YOU AND BRADY. LIFE WILL GET BETTER. YOU WILL NEVER FORGET BUT YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. NO MORE OF THIS STUFF THAT TAKES UP EXTRA ENERGY THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE. GOOD JOB. REMEMBER, YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE US HERE NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO.

NIGHTY NITE!

[jenmulloy]

Lauraa,

[jenmulloy]

Lauraa,

Thank you for the encouragement. I really don't know where I'd be be right now if it wasn't for this website. I actually went into a widowers chat room the other night and had a few people tell me I was a liar about my situation and that no person in my situation would stay where I'm at if that's the case. Well, right now and before I didn't have much of a choice. I was stuck, no money, no husband and no future. All my dreams were shattered and I was a shell of the woman I was trying to be before. I guess my true support is here and with my mom because I was so hurt by the hurtful comments some of the people in that chat room made. Losing someone is no joke, much less something to lie about to your advantage, why are people so quick to judge? I was the only one who had lost someone for less than a year, maybe they've had ample time to move on and experience life without their first love? I was shocked to see that one lady was happy her spouse was gone because he was mean and hurtful and she hated him because he cheated all the time. I just find that so sad. I hope you are all doing well.

Jen

[pandorra]

Been a while since I have posted. I have my ups and downs. Jen, I am glad you are still moving forward with moving out. I was hoping I wouldn't come back and you would have changed your mind. Good for you!!!! It is definitely time to be selfish right now. For all of us. I put me first now and I don't feel bad about it. People will just have to understand and if they don't, well, screw them.

I bought myself an iPod and am entertaining myself. I went out and started watering the topiary plant he bought me and the baby rose bush he planted for me in a pretty pot. I was so angry and hurt and couldn't look at them. they were dead. But I watered them anway and the roses are sprouting leaves now. The kitty cat topiary i am not sure yet, but I watering it anyway. We thought by the time the kitty cat had filled out the wire form, we would be living together or married. But I am having more and more stronger moments now. But I still prefery to be alone most of the time and I feel no other man will ever be able to fill his shoes so I will be alone for the rest of my days.

I am going to check out that website that was mentioned below in computermaw's post. Maybe a reading woudl help me. I am not sure what would help me. maybe only time helps.

[jenmulloy]

Kay guys, you have me worried. I haven't heard from some of you in forever and I hope you are all okay and as well as can be. For the first time in a long time I am finally looking forward to something and that's getting out of here!! If it hadn't been for the support from all of you I would have never had the strength to make it through all these months and never would have been able to make the decision I did to move back to mom's. I know summer is hitting right now and I hope you are all able to do things to enjoy yourselves the best you can. My birthday and anniversary are the same day so I'm hoping to be back with mom that day because it'll be the hardest first I've come across yet. I miss you guys, I hope to talk to all of you soon.

Jen

[lauraa]

Hi Jen and Everyone,

I was thinking the same thing but I figured everyone was out and enjoying the weather....I have been busy with my 3 kids...it certainly isn't easy raising hormonal teenagers. I am hanging in there. I find around 5 p.m. everyday I am completely exhausted and need a nap to get thru the evening. I have gone to the doctor and everything checks out o.k. but I think it has just been so much for so long and I need to rest. My oldest is graduating from HS on Saturday and off to college in the fall...can't wait! I think this year I have worked so hard to get them all thru this first year without their dad that I have actually spoiled them and I have some undoing to do...Does that make sense? Hope everyone is checking in and your all doing well...Think about all of you guys everyday and I'm Jen in that I would have lost this year without you guys.

[jamaga]

Hey,

I only found this web site about a month ago. I have already made it a regular one that I visit though. Seems it helps just knowing that there are other people out there that truley understand. I can't really complain though, I have been blessed by the people in my life that have helped me through this past four years! Without my daughter and friends I would not still be here. I would not have stayed.

Yesterday would have been my 23rd anniversary. Four years ago, on my 19th wedding anniversary they told me Joe was dying. By Saturday (June 10th) he was dead. Crazy time in my life, as you all know. When you stand at the edge of the cliff and just hopelessly watch as your entire life just colapeses in front of your eyes!!! And there is not one thing you can do about it.

I cannot believe that it has been four years, so much has changed, I can hardly recognize my life today. I would have NEVER thought, this is where I would be. But I am. The hardest part for me is losing the stablity, that confidence that you have before something like this happens. I can never put all my eggs in the same basket again. The loss is too great when you lose it. And now I KNOW that it can be lost. Anything can just suddenly not be there anymore. There is no security. None. That is the hardest thing for me to deal with. I can never feel safe again.

Joe was my everything. My husband, my lover, my best friend, my business partner, my mentor, my life's partner. I knew then, that what we had, was a once in a lifetime thing. Some people live there entire lives and never even know that such a relastionship can exist. We had it. We were so very blessed. It hurts so much to only have it now as a memory! Pain is a way of life these days!

[computermemaw2]

Jamaga, I read your post and almost started crying for you. Then I almost started crying for myself! If you asked me to tell you how I've managed to get through each day this past year and a half I wouldn't know what to tell you except that I just take each day at a time. If you asked me to tell you what all I've done this past year and a half, I'd probably look at you blankly because, quite honestly, I couldn't tell you. I'm still operating on automatic. The only thing I can definitely tell you that stands out in my mind is the day my husband died. It's like I have this video recorder in my brain that can play back that entire day's events, yet I can't tell you honestly how I've managed to get through the days afterwards to today. There have even been moments that I couldn't even tell you how I managed to drive home from work. Reading that it's been 4 years for you about broke my heart. And I completely understand your saying that nothings forever any more and what you have today can be gone in an instant. I get so mad at folks at work who I hear talk badly about their spouse. I know that it's only because for that moment they're upset with him or her, and occasionally I've even said - before I realized I was even going to say something - I wish I had that to complain about for my husband, but I can't--he's dead. Do you know I even miss his snoring? God, the number of times the kids would be over and say "Mom, you need to go wake dad up because we can't get any sleep he snores so loud!" I used to tell him I was going to tape him one night so he could hear how loud he actually snored, but I never did. Now I'm sorry I didn't. Do you still cry? Please tell me you don't. I've cried every day for a year and a half. Not for as long a time as in the beginning, but sometimes I don't even know I'm going to start crying or are crying until I feel the tears going down my face. You'd think tears would dry up after awhile. But it's still so fresh and I am so lonely for my husband. He's still the first thing I think about when I wake up (when I actually sleep), and the last at night when I lay down. I am so tired all the time. Work I get through okay, but it seems as soon as I get home, if I prop myself on a pillow on the couch I'm out. I have to make myself do things around the house, yet I still feel so very disorganized. Are you that way? I read somewhere, probably elsewhere on this site, I'm not sure, that life goes on for us--that we're not in a better place, just a different place. I'd give anything to turn back time, as I'm sure the rest of us would to. Is it still a constant battle for you to get through the days? It seems I have a continual fight within myself to get out of this hole I get into sometimes. I'm trying very hard to look forward to a future, but it's difficult when you feel there isn't a future. Thanks for listening. Guess I just needed to let loose some today. Sorry for being such a downer today. Gayle