I Miss Him So...

[jenmulloy]

The bed Brady uses was my nieces and she called me yesterday to tell me she wanted it and if I could bring it to her. Okay, what am I supposed to do for a bed if I just bring her mine. She wanted the crib and the mattress and I payed for a brand new mattress. Well, she called her cousin for a mattress and asked if I could pick up an extra crib that Leigh had. Well, Leigh ends up calling and lecturing me about how the crib isn't mine and I need to realize that whether or not she wants it back, it's her crib and she's had another baby so I need to give it back to her. I told her I understand it's her crib but I'm not going to just jump because someone calls me out of the blue, without talking about it first at any time to me, and tells me to bring her the only bed Brady has. Brady is also an escape artist, so it scares me to let him sleep in a regular bed yet anyway. I told Leigh that and she said well, he's going to have to learn somehow anyway. Brady gets up when he wakes up. You know what I'd do to myself if he fell down the stairs like his father? Sorry, not going to happen. I hate his family.

[lauraa]

JEN,

I think you don't need these people...you are dealing quite enough without all this small petty stuff that uses up energy which you don't have.....Don't feed into it and they will get the message.....Once the ged thing is worked out go on your merry way and forget about them....You don't need any of that...that is the stuff I can't and won't deal with....I am not kidding when I say my energy is a 1 on a scale from 1-10.

Chris...Your weekend sounds like it was lovely and quite an honor Rikki...I happy to gave a talk and that you were able to cry.......I'm sure everyone respected you even more than they already do....You are a good...no a great daddy! I just feel that! I'm glad you had Rikki for the time you did because she let you know what true love is and so many never find that in this life time.....That is why I am grieving so deeply myself...we had a love that was rare and I know everyone here feels the same about their loved ones that "passed".....They are with us now and always.........

[pamnbill]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first time posting, I have been coming to this site for the past 2 months and have found much comfort in all that is said here. On Jan. 14 my husband Bill died .... that's still so hard to say. He was diagnosed in April 2004 with small cell lung cancer, the doctor's told us that this is one cancer that will never go away, only put into remission ... and we knew he probably only had a year left. I can remember that day like it was yesterday, my whole world changed, it was like being in a dream. Bill and I were married for 24 years, he was my life ... until now I never realized how much we did together, and how lonely it is without him.

Bill was an extrodinary man, always happy and full of life, his main worry after being diagnosed was to take care of me. He continued working, even during chemo so he could build up his pension. And he finished all those "projects" that needed to be done.... from finishing the retaining wall he was building in our back yard to fixing the mailbox (even though he had to drive to the end of the driveway... it's a long one ... because he didn't have the energy to walk down there with tools). He wouldn't let cancer change his life ... he said if he changed the way he lived his life then the cancer won. Bill was always optimistic.... he made it so easy for the rest of us. I often wonder why God would do this.... why would he take someone so loved?

I miss him so, I miss the love he gave me, I miss his smile.... I could go on and on, but you all know exactly how I feel. Thanks for being there for me even though you didn't know it, the postings have helped these last few months knowing other people feel the same way ... and I wish the best to everyone as we go through this.

[lauraa]

Pamnbill,

I am so so sorry for your loss...as I was reading your post it all felt so familiar. The doctors appt. with the news...I collapsed in the office and melted in the ladies room. Sitting in the car with my husband afterwards just holding each other and crying our hearts out....I know and your not alone...Even though we are without our husbands please know that you will have a bond here and this site will be what helps get you thru really bad days. I have found that I go thru so many stages and sometimes many different emotions all at once....it has sucked the energy right out of me.....I too, have asked god why and in fits of anger....and now I'm left wondering what the hell I'm going to do to get thru the rest of my life. We all have a different story here but in the end they are all the same. Keep writing and we will help lift you. In the beginninng I read alot of books about the "after life" and that really got me thru the first several months....it helped me realize that they do live on and are watching over us until the day we meet again. There are to many people out there with stories that it has to be true...and there are mediums out there who wouldn't be doing what they do if they didn't know it to be true....They are closer to us than our own hearts. My one year anniversary is coming up on May 16th. I never thought I could get thru one week without him let alone 1 year. I miss him with every fiber in my body and I cry to the debths of my soul each and everyday, still! I lost my zip and zest for all the things I once loved, ie. gardening I use to love now I see it as a chore. Everything feels like that to me.....except my kids as difficult as it is sometimes (teenagers)...they are the 3 reasons I have been able to go on....Please keep writing to us here and I promise you will not feel so alone....I will hold you close to my heart and in my prayers. I am so glad we were able to give you comfort and you could finally post.

[computermemaw2]

I went to the mountains this weekend for the 20th anniversary celebration of their chapter and they did a whole memory type thing a did a whole memorial plaque that is going in their new house and everything. They asked me to speak and I broke down while talking about her... In front of 100 college age and grown women! What a manly man I am! I didn't want to leave there yesterday. It feels like home. I don't know if it is because that is where Rikki and I spent 5 of our 8 years together and there are SO many good memories that I just want to be there or that I'm running from here or what... I think that is the only place I could move away from this area and be happy!

Chris, what a wonderful tribute to Rikki! I am so happy for you and SO PROUD that you were't afraid to show your emotions for the occasion. It only showed how much Rikki meant to you and how proud you are of her. I completely understand about the running away feeling. There are days when I leave work that I absolutely do not want to come home--that I'd just like to drive off into the sunset. You sound like you've got your act together completely. How wonderful that you are so blessed with friends who cared so much for Rikki. I've decided after reading several of your postings that I'm going to try and be thankful for at least one thing each day and try not to stay focused so much on the unhappiness I'm feeling. It's hard and I'm not always going to succeed, but there are times I can look at pictures now and smile remembering some of the antics of my husband. He was such an idiot at times and had the wierdest sense of humor--he always though it was the funniest thing when we first got married to go to the swimming pool and do a resounding belly flop from the diving board and watch everyone else just cringe in pain. And he would cross one eye at the stupidest times when we were out which would always send me into hysterics laughing. I woulnd't have missed experiencing any of that for the world! You're going to do just fine and I think you're proving to be a wonderful dad! Gayle

[computermemaw2]

Jen, you definitely DON'T need those people. Don't you waste any more time letting them upset you! And who needs their ole beds anyways! You just bundle up that little ragmuffin/curtain-climbing, escape artist (grin) and let him help you pick out his own special bed and say phooey to those trying to get a rise out of you. As one of my friends always says to me "God doesn't love ugly people and what goes around comes around." But I think you're finding the strength to stand up for yourself and really concentrate on making some firm decisions of your own for you and Brady. You go girl! (grin). And P.S. Sweetie, I have an embroidery machine. You let me know your size and baby I'll send you a shirt with ALL KINDS of sayings on it (LOL)! Gayle (computermemaw2@aol.com)

[computermemaw2]

Pambill, my heart goes out to you right now. You're walking in steps we all wish you didn't have to go through. But--although it doesn't seem like it will ever get easier--it will. You'll gradually start to make yourself make it start to get better, because after awhile, you'll get so tired of feeling down and miserable, that the only thing that's left for you to do is to start trying to look up. I'm not going to tell you the crying will stop, or the hurt will go away, because it won't. I'm at the 15, almost 16 month mark and I still carry the memories of my husband dying in front of my eyes from his heart attack too close to the surface. I've poured myself into reading books on the afterlife, have had 3 medium readings (2 by the same person 8 months apart), have started reading the Bible, and picked up a couple of books to tell me how to know when God is trying to talk to me and how to know when my husband is trying to communicate with me. I also have meditation tapes. I believe in God and firmly believe there's more to life than this, and pretty much feel since my husband's death that life here on earth is our hell we experience before going onward. There are still days I say to myself that I can't believe Eddy's gone, that it wasn't supposed to be like this. And, I've tried really hard not to blame God. God didn't make my husband die, his heart attack made him die. But I have to admit when I read that our souls plan our life path I end up with a hundred questions of what my purpose was/is supposed to be and what other lessons could I possibly have to learn now? I've drawn so much strength from this forum. Here, you can let your emotions go. No one sits in judgement of you, everyone understands where you're coming from, and although we don't see at times how we're going to continue on through today, much less get through another week/month/or year without our loved one, someone usually replies with more time under their belt to let us know a future will come for us. Our lives have forever been changed. I'm certainly not the same person I was 15 months ago. That person died with my husband. Now we have to try to figure out who the new person is who's evolving from the grief we're going through. The grieving we're going through now is just a testament to our love for the one we lost. Welcome to the group. We're here for you. We understand. Gayle

[lauraa]

Gayle,Jen, Pamnbill,Chris,

You guys are so great to talk with and I am so thankful we have each other....Gayle....everything you said I could have said exactly.....it's been 11 months for me and I still cry and still can't believe my husband is gone...it's a slow torture....when I get really down I know he would not want me to be sad. I was thinking this morning that my dad (who Passed last year) would be so sad to know I'm so sad....so would my husband....I think your right our grieving is a testament of our love for them...I say we grieve as deep as we loved. I just miss him so bad it hurts! I didn't know a body could shed so many tears and my heart could actually feel broken. My nights aren't to bad as my 12 year old daughter sleeps with me (her security)and it turns out it has helped me not feel so alone.....If you guys make T-shirts...I WANT ONE!

Hang in there guys and take real good care of yourselves....so we can survive this hell. I have changed my views drasticly since I lost my husband. I use to think there was heaven and hell and this was where we were tested to see where we were going...Now, I think this is hell and there is no where to go but up. I also, went to a medium and had a wonderful reading and she told me thing there is no way she would ever know so that validated to me that my husband is still living on....and healthy.....I know we will meet again but this is the hell we have to go thru. I often think my husband had to carry his cross when he left us and now I think this pain is my cross to carry...I don't know....maybe we have to feel this horrible in order to have the heavenly bliss that is promised to us????????? Peace to all of you and do anything you can to get a good night sleep.

[jenmulloy]

Gayle,

Thank you for the post, it made me smile. I think I've actually started doing it lately without feeling guilty for a change. I guess I always felt like smiling and basically doing anything was wrong for a long time. I know Brad is in a much better place with no pain and no suffering for a change. When you have health problems like Brad did, I don't think you can always be too terribly optomistic. I just wish I had a chance to tell him goodbye. I may have to take you up on the shirt offer. I'm always looking for my next shirt. My newest one that I want is "I'll be nicer if you act smarter". I thought that was great. I have quite a few. I think I'm going to try and make the top 10 in all seriousness and wear it on a regular basis.

Gayle and Laura,

I just want to let you know that your support on his family issue makes me feel a little less crazy. I get mad at them for being nasty, then feel guilty, but why should I? I bend over backwards for Trista. Today I took her fiance to get work shoes because he lost his license because he didnt pay a fine, I am watching her 4 month old son until 11 at night and I let her borrow my other car. I know she's in a bind because of money, but I don't think I deserved to be walked all over. Leigh, his other niece, calls me to be nasty and tell me what I need to do, then when she sees me tells me that its rude that I don't call her. I told her last time I checked the phone worked both ways, then took her hand and told her your fingers don't look broken either. Maybe that was mean, but why should I let them talk down to me? I really don't call a lot of poeple anyway. My mom and stepdad and my two friends from high school, that's pretty much it. Occasionally I talk to my dad and brothers. And of course I talk here. I talk to the few people I do because they talk to me and help me deal with things. I have a real estate agent looking sending me house pictures out by mom. I really think I'm ready to go. Laura, the one thing that was holding me back was Brad's grave. But you told me something that helped me not feel guilty, you said it was the shell he occupied during life and he's in a different place now and I really believe that now. For that, you have no idea just how much you helped ease my mind and guilt for wanting to be with MY family.

Pamnbill

I'm so sorry for your loss. I only hope these postings can help you with your grieving. It is nice to know that there are people who can relate, despite the circumstances, and be genuinly sorry because they've been there and are making the baby steps down the road to some sort of healing and acceptance of our changed lives. I lost Brad in November 2004, and even though I didn't get to say goodbye, we had a great vacation that we had just come back from two days before he died. I'll never understand and I struggle to accept what has been given to me, but I have to believe God didn't give me more than he thought I could handle and my husband needed to be relieved of all the things he was battling. Heart disease, type 2 diabetes, cirrhoisis, which I didn't know he had til autopsy, high blood pressure and cholestoral and norapathy just off the top of my head. I have to believe it was God's way of helping Brad, even though that doesn't make it hurt any less. I get so mad wondering why there are so many bad people left here and all the good ones are taken so early, but then again, why would anybody want to take the bad versus the good anywhere. I don't know, I guess I'm still trying to figure things out myself also. I hope you find the support you need right now. I'm still dealing with the worst feelings of lonliness and being scared to death of living alone, which I will have to face one day.

My heart and prayers are with you all. You guys are my strength and I look forward to talking to you every night.

All my love, Jen

[lauraa]

Jen....I'm glad that anything I could say helps you and anyone else here. If you think moving home with your family then I think you should....maybe a new beginning, too. Brad's family has not right to speak to you or trear the way you do. If you are anything like me your easy going and nice and if your not careful people do try to take advantage of your good nature....be assertive and tell them it is not o.k. for them to talk to you like that...you don't have to give them any explanations as to why you want or are going to leave. You are strong and you can do anything you put your mind to,,,we all can! s far as the grave site.....his body is there but he is not....I had my husband buried 800 miles away in a cemetary with family and that is where I will be buried as well....I already have the double grave marker there with both our names on it...I never asked anyone's opinion about it because it's what I wanted.....but a few people said don't put your marker up there you have alot of livin' to do...ya, but....that is where I wanted to be buried as it is next to my husband and in between him and my dad...my two best friends in the whole world.....IT'S WHAT I WANTED...And, everything is done so my kids won't have to do a thing when my times comes....I will admit sometimes when I think about him in a grave I get upset but then I do know that it is only his body that he shed and that he lives on....so many books that I've read have helped me to realize and truely believe that.....You have helped me in this grieving process as well and we are all in this together. My reading with a medium helped me tremendously....my grieving continues unfortunately.....my husband was the best man I have ever know and I am so proud to be able to say I was married to him......He is always with me....And, Brad is always with you no matter where you are. Hope you have a great day and only put yourself with those who will support you,,,That's what I do so I don't have put up with any grief....they all just don't have a clue unless they have experienced a loss like ours.....Unfortunately, someday, they all will.

[jenmulloy]

Laura...I do feel taken advantage of, a lot, but I'm one who never says no when poeople ask for help. Unfortunately in my nieces instance it is constant and Im really started to get irritated and she figured that out tonight. I watch her boys because her boyfriend gets frustrated, which I think is awful. Then she asked me if I would drop the older one off at home because he didn't have enough gas to pick him up and keep the other until 11 b/c he's four months and dad has a hard time dealing with him. I told her I still needed to put Brady to bed and I that I still had to get up early to go to work and didn't want to be up all night. Trista only wants what benefits her and that makes me really mad sometimes.

I've been thinking about a psychic medium, but don't know where to begin or look. I've watched sylvia brown and she just amazes me, I know she's not fake, not with how accurate and fast she is. I'd give anything for that little proof he's out there, which I know he is, I just want to confirm it. I hope all is well as can be with everyone, I'm moving slowly here.

Jen

[pamnbill]

Thanks so much for all the kind words and advice. I did just order a couple of books on afterlife, couldn't decide which one so I got one written by John Edward, Sylvia Browne and James Van Praagh. (Now when I can't sleep I'll have something to read!) I keep wishing that Bill would somehow let me know he's ok ... I really want to believe that we'll be together again someday.

I went to my first grief support meeting tonight. Not sure what I thought about it, guess maybe I'll have to give it more time. Still very hard to talk about it to strangers, even though I was hoping going there would give me an opportunity to meet people who really understood. Just made me sad, watching a video with the birds flying over the ocean, and a man talking in the background in that oh so sorrowful voice about grief. That was suppose to help? I guess once I get to know the other people it will get better.

Even though it's been over 3 months I'm still in denial. I keep waiting for him to come home, this can't possibly be true. I have his picture all over the house, and talk to him, looking at him still makes me smile. He had a way of making me laugh no matter what. He was my joy.

Hope you all have a good night and thanks.

Pam

[sillygirl]

Good Morning to Everyone...I haven't posted in a while but I have been busy with work at the daycare and also just trying to keep daily life moving forward. I would like to welcome the new people to our family here. I can tell you first hand, as we all can here that the grief journey is not an easy one and one that is filled with many emotions. There were times after my husband passed that I just wanted to run away to try and escape it all but I knew that he would not have wanted me to do that so with the help of some close friends and also God I have managed to get through it. It is hard to believe that it was 14 months ago yesterday. It just seems like yesterday. Laura, keep strong. You are a very wonderful person and one that gives so many people here inspiration. Jen..I know how you feel with the family thing and trying to decide about moving. I had that same thing facing me and I have finally decided that next year after my oldest daughter graduates from highschool, I am selling my house and moving to back to my home which is Michigan. I have my family there and they care and understand so...his family, some are still not coping with the death and others just dont care. It is hard to be a single mom and try to work, find time for the kids, fix things around the house that you have never had to do before and find time for you. Pray about it Jen, God will give you the right answer. pamnbill..I just want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I know right now that you feel alone, but you are not, you have all of us here. Just keep writing. Well, now that I have rambled on, I hope that all of you here have a super day and just remember that we are all in this together. Stay strong and take care. Gods blessings and mine, you are all in my prayers. Sue

[lauraa]

Hi Sillygirl,

I was so happy to hear from you and I think of you and Joyce everyday....Sometimes I know it is just hard to just write but together we are bit alone. JEN...I am 800 miles away from my original home...my kids grew up here so it's home to them....I can't leave now cause I have a HS and middle school age kids and my son is going to college 1 hour awaw...so I sorta have my hands tied because of their ages....If you go you need to do it while Brady is young and go to where your support us.....Brads family will just have to get over it cause you are his sole provider and it has to work for you first....Blessings to everyone.

[grammy2]

Pamnbill, I am so sorry for your loss. Your pain is still very raw and it is going to take a while for you to feel alive again. I am sitting here reading everyone's post and it is the only place I can go to that people understand me. My sweet love will be gone two years on Sunday and I am at the computer bawling my eyes out. I went out this afternoon to buy flowers for his grave and, through tears, decided to go home and get "shnookered". I know that is not the answer to anything but I just want to feel numb. I actually had a friend say to me last week that everybody grieves the same and didn't care what I read in books. I am still seeing a therapist and wonder why am I doing this? My pain is still real (not as excrutiating as it was) but is a very deep hurt. I feel for all of us on this site and don't know how to help anyone. Chris, you are doing a marvelous job with your little one. I can't imagine doing what you are doing. Tom and I had 41 years of marriage and were together 46 years. I started dating him when I was 15. He was my breath and I find it difficult to breathe. I thank God for the years we had together and I should be happy with that (but I am not). I look at old couples walking in the mall, in the grocery stores, and walking along the street and think that should be Tom and me. It is a very difficult decision for those of you who are contemplating moving. I, myself, decided to move next year. I think it will be for the best as everywhere I look I see memories, but it will be a new beginning for me. Having school-age children would be a different story. I agree with Lauraa when she says her hands are tied. Jen, please, if you feel you need to move then do it. Never mind your in-laws.....they are not in your shoes. I'm sorry for carrying on but I am such a mess tonight. I remember each minute of Tom's last three days. We were down Cape Cod from 4/28 throu 4/30 and I can remember what we did every minute of those three days. I am still having trouble believing he is gone. I am a person of great faith because I know we are not going through this alone. It should make it a little easier knowing this but it is still difficult. Hang in there everyone and know you all are in my thoughts and prayers. Pat

[forblueskies]

Hi everyone. I have been down way down for awhile. My babies have been sick and i have been sick. I miss this site. I have been on for almost two years. I am 28 lost my David in a terrible accident. He was hit by a semi while sitting in his car. I have two babies the don't remember much just a very distruaght mommy.

Chris I think it is wonderful to do all those great things for your baby. I have a few suggesttions I made quilts of of Davids shirts, I have had a family portrait painted to include us all, I have a scholarship fund set up in Davids Name for other kids that come from his High School. You daughter will just fine she has a daddy that will do as much as you dod for her. Your wife would be so proud. Don't forgrt to video her as often as you can the first year is gone so quickly. You could get the mommy journal and have all your wifes family and friends to fill it up for the baby. I know where you are act with this I have been doing these projects for awhile. I went to UK and Morehead to get his transcpits just to put those in scrapbooks and countless other things Make quilts out of your wifes clothing

Everyone I am sorry for your loses but I am thanful we have all found each other in this darkness

love and peace to everyone

stacy

[deadsoulwalking]

Hello Everyone, I need some help,words of comfort from you if possible. As I mentioned before I lost my husband the love of my lost after 20yrs of marriage, happily or so I thought. My husband died in my arms at the age of 40 from a sudden heart attack on 3/21/04, now I found out after his death 13 months later that he was having an affair. Our local paper had a guestbook and she posted how they used to talk everyday and begging with his co-workers I was told they did talk almost everyday but they didn't think anything else happened.I'm not stupid,I'm sure they did. Now,how do I go on and forgive? Hate in my heart is going to comsume me. I'm still in shock over his death but now to find out this. We had the "perfect" life, never did I know something was missing, when it was, we talked about it. I'm pissed that he betrayed me, kept a secret and told her imtimate details of our sex life (she emailed me) Everyone says move on, HOW? Has anyone had this happen and if so any advice? Please help, I'm devistated and in shock.

[cvaughan598]

Hello all, haven't posted in a while and for good reason... I've been traveling on the downslope of this damned rollercoaster they call grief! Today is my 27th birthday. Not a very Happy Birthday to me... In all honesty, I'm miserable. I've had friends take me out to dinner, my mom is taking me out tonight, and my dad tomorrow. And I just want to sit at home. I woke up this morning and rolled over and snuggled up to her pillows when the alarm went off... It reminded me of last year... the scent of her pillows and her not being there. I rolled over and cuddled up to her every morning before we got up... She wasn't there last year either, but she was in the kitchen fixing me breakfast. We didn't normally eat breakfast but she cooked for me on my 26th birthday. She is the only person who EVER made a big deal of my birthday despite my lack of interest in getting older. My parents would do dinner or something but nothing big. She always did a card, a present, and she ALWAYS planned quality time for the two of us on my birthday. This morning I woke up and she wasn't there and there was no smell of food... There was nothing. She is gone and I can't ever have her back! Her smell, the touch of her skin. I took Madison to her Rikki's Mom this morning (She keeps her for me while I'm working) and was turning to walk out of the door... I told her that my mom was taking me to dinner tonight for my birthday and she asked when my birthday was I was like today... I didn't expect her to remember it because I didn't want it to be a big deal... But when I turned to walk away, one of Rikki's most beautiful bridal pictures was staring back and me and I lost it. I couldn't even say bye to her or Madison this morning. I went out on the porch and just started balling. I regained my composer and went back in and gave Madison a kiss and told my mother-in-law bye. Rikki was my connection to these people and she would have been the reason they even remembered my birthday. I am just trying to get through mothers day. Any ideas for the cemetary? I think I'm going to take a picture of her and Madison and a big balloon that says happy mother's day. Hope everyone is doing well...

Thoughts and prayers...

Chris

[patriotsmom]

good morning to everyone,

i haven't posted in awhile either because i have been really down here..all i have been doing here lately is crying..i have not been able to cope here to good..i have caught up on everyones post here to see how you all are doing and i see, we are all on this emotional rollercoster of pain..i'am glad i can come here and see that i'am not alone in this..i understand what you all are saying about the dumb and hurtful things that people can say. it's not so much the people around me but more of my family here lately that have said such horrible things..last week was my cousins wedding. i did not want to go, but my grandmother talked me into going and i wish now i would have just stayed home..i guess everyone thought i was over my griefing and that i have moved on..when i got there, everyone was joking around with roger ( my cousins soon to be husband) telling him that this was his funeral and that this is the death of him and soo on...they all looked at me and all i could do was run in the opposite direction. later on i was sitting with my aunt and she was asking me how i was doing and i told her not to good. how i missed dave so much. his smile, his laugh, his kiss, the times we would sit and talk for hours..how i miss the itimacy between us..and that is when my aunt told me that i'am young enough to move on and meet someone else..i told her that i don't see that ever happening because dave was the love of my life and that noone could fill his shoes..well i got this, "you could just go out on the weekends and find someone to be with but not have a relationship with." i don't remember what i did at this point, but lets just say i didn't talk to her the rest of the night..i think the worse thing that was said to me was my own mother..i talk to her about my anger with God and i was feeling about it all and how i just wanted to know why, what have i done in my life that i have been thru so much pain in the last few years, this being the worse and she told me straight up, it is because i was living in sin.(meaning me and dave were not married but living together) i said to her that dave passed away because we weren't married and i'am being punished..if that is true, and this is Gods reason, they why didn't i die..what is my purpose to still be here?...she told me to go to church and that i would find all the answers..dave and i were married in our hearts. we had everything in our relationship just like we were married. financially, emotionally,respectfully and so on. the only thing we didn't have was the ceramony and the piece of paper that goes with it...this has really brought me down..i feel like i have noone to turn to..my family are not the ones to go to..i'am sorry to be go on and on here but i feel like i'am losing it and i thought maybe you all could help me here..i'am missing my best friend so much..

in my thoughts and prayers always kim

[patriotsmom]

chris,

i know how you feel about your birthday..mine was in march ( two months after dave passed away) dave always made a big deal about it..me being older then him, never wanted to celebrate it at all but he would surprise me each year with something special..made me forget that i was getting a year older..i just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today and as always.. i'am going to wish you a happy birthday, even though i know today is hard on you. please try and make the best of it, as i know rikki would want you too..my thoughts of dave and how he loved doing things for me on my birthday, got me thru that day..keep your thoughts on rikki and how happy it made her to do things for you on this day and i know you will get thru it too...

KIM

[teachnk]

This is the first time that I have come to this site. I find it amazing! I lost my fiance 4 weeks ago. He was 27 years old got sick with the flu that went into pneumonia then a staff infection. He got sick one day and went into the hospital on life support and died 2 weeks later. We had just gotten engaged a week before he got sick. I am having such a hard time accepting what has happened and I am looking for resources to help me cope. Does anyone know of any good books or resources?

[lynnie]

Hi everybody. This is my first posting. My husband, David died on 23rd December 2004. He wasn't ill and there were no warnings. He just dropped dead. It is 4 months on and I still can't believe he is not coming back. I can relate to all of your feelings and emotions. I lived with David for 25 years (we were married for 17). My children are my reason for living (they are 12 and 15). I feel I must be strong for them when really all I want to do is give up. These posts make me feel I am not alone in my grief. Thanks for the support

Lynn

[jenmulloy]

Happy Birthday Chris. I know that's no consolation to what you are going through right now, but I hope it's as good as possible. I dread my birthday this year. It's my birthday, my anniversary, would have been 7 years this year, and Independence Day, so it's getting closer and I'm getting more weary. Doesn't take a lot to cry. My boss was asking me to make a run for him the other day and I asked him where I needed to go. The first thing he said was, well, do you know where that cemetary is behind the college? I started crying and felt like an idiot cause the first thing I thought of was Brad cause that's where he's buried. He apologized and said he was really sorry and didn't mean to be so insensitive. That was a first, usually people just say stupid things and not think twice. I don't know, maybe I'm overly sensitive. Chris, with the picture, I think you looked at it for a reason today. I think they try to show us in there own ways with objects and that picture was just there to say she was there and thinking of you, why else would you just happen to see it at that precise moment on that certain day? I could be wrong, but just a thought. When I have really bad days I can smell his cologne and I try to smell it as long as I can cause when I need to take a breathe and smell again, it's gone. His family thinks I'm crazy, but I never denied that anyway, so why not live up to it now??? So I think I'm leaving here in July. I'm afraid to take such a huge step, but it will have to be done one day. My mom is sick and if anything happened to her and I wasn't there, I don't know what I'd do. I'm not thrilled with the location, but I know I'll be happier with my family and friends support. When I was out there I had no worries, no problems and it was a huge relief. I hope all finds you as well as can be.

Jen

[computermemaw2]

My children are my reason for living (they are 12 and 15). I feel I must be strong for them when really all I want to do is give up.

Lynnie, welcome. You hang in there--we all understand where you're coming from. You post whenever you feel like it--no holds barred. It's just gonna take time, and we're here for you. Gayle

[computermemaw2]

I am having such a hard time accepting what has happened and I am looking for resources to help me cope. Does anyone know of any good books or resources?

Do I know about books! Here's what I've been reading. Healing Grief by James Van Praagh, God's Gift of Love: After-Death Communications by Christine Marie Duminiak, Embraced by the Light by Betty J. Eadie, It must have Been Moonglow by Phyllis Greene, Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies by Marta Felber, Awakening from Grief by John E. Welshons, and I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair. Also, Proof of God: A Near-Death Experience and Spiritual Life) by Elizabeth Daniele, and Touched by the Extraordinary by Susan Barbara Apollon. If you go to Amazon.Com, click on the left on Books, and you can do a search on the title and you'll be taken to a kinda review page that will give excerpts from the book so you can see if it's for you. You can also do comparison shop from there and choose whether you want to get the book new or used. I've purchased both and, quite frankly, have never been disappointed in getting the used books for a reduced price. They've all looked brand new to me. Let me know if you like those, then I'll give you a listing of after-life books that are good if you'd like.

For support from your community, you might call around to the local churches and see if they have any grief support groups or your local hospital or funeral home. It took me a year to find a group that was going to meet in my area, and I had to pay $75 to attend once a week for 8 weeks. It was held at a church and was sponsored by a local funeral home. Since I was having a hard time finding anything in my area, I searched the internet and ended up here. This site has kept me sane. Gayle

[computermemaw2]

we are all on this emotional rollercoster of pain..she told me straight up, it is because i was living in sin.(meaning me and dave were not married but living together) i said to her that dave passed away because we weren't married and i'am being punished..if that is true, and this is Gods reason, they why didn't i die..what is my purpose to still be here?...she told me to go to church and that i would find all the answers..dave and i were married in our hearts.i feel like i have noone to turn to..my family are not the ones to go to..i'am sorry to be go on and on here but i feel like i'am losing it and i thought maybe you all could help me here..i'am missing my best friend so much..

kim

Kim, my heart goes out to you. Your loved one didn't die as punishment because you didn't have the piece of paper to say you were married. You loved and that's what's important. And your pain is just as great, no matter if you'd just met, just gotten engaged, been married for a year, 8 years, 20 or 30+. Husband, wife, brother, sister, lover, friend.....you've lost someone you cared about and it hurts like hell and makes no sense whatsoever. I have a CD called When Good Things Happen to Bad People that was given to me shortly after my husband died that I listen to a lot in my car driving to work. Everything's just going to take time. You're going to go through so many different grief stages it isn't funny. And, just when you think you're past a particular stage and almost through another, you find yourself starting back over. There will be times when you'll sink so low you'll think you couldn't feel any worse--only to later find out you can. You'll start to think you're getting better, and the dumbest things will bring you to your knees. You'll go through days when you can't watch TV, listen to the radio, drive down your favorite streets, or go shopping because of the memories that are awaken in you. That's normal. It's just a hard process we're all going through. And grieving sucks! It makes you question every belief you've ever had, wonder what's your purpose now, make you ask what did you do that your loved one had to be the one punished, etc. And you're going to get so angry--at yourself for things you did or didn't do or wish you'd done, at your loved one for not going to the doctor or getting sick or just plain dying, and nothing, absolutely nothing is going to make any sense. You're going to feel you're going crazy as you suddenly find yourself not able to concentrate, can't complete the simpliest of tasks, have lost all sense of organization, or get zoned in on having to complete a project in memory of your loved one. Hang in there, we're here for you. Keep coming back, even if you don't feel like posting. There's many times I'm so down I can't post, but I read what everyone's saying or doing and am able to get through the hard moment. Gayle

[computermemaw2]

I am just trying to get through mothers day. Any ideas for the cemetary? I think I'm going to take a picture of her and Madison and a big balloon that says happy mother's day.

Chris, I think that's beautiful! You're doing such a wonderful job with Madison. I know Rikki's smiling at you. Gayle

[computermemaw2]

Hello Everyone, I need some help,words of comfort from you if possible. As I mentioned before I lost my husband the love of my lost after 20yrs of marriage, happily or so I thought. My husband died in my arms at the age of 40 from a sudden heart attack on 3/21/04, now I found out after his death 13 months later that he was having an affair. Now,how do I go on and forgive? Hate in my heart is going to comsume me. Please help, I'm devistated and in shock.

Sweetheart, pretend your pillow is your husband and beat the hell out of it. Holler at him, let him know your feelings of betrayal, let him know how much you love him (notice I said love and not loved--you still love him), let him know how much you miss him, and remember you held him in your arms when he died. He was with you. You're in such a whirl of emotions right now that everything becomes blown out of proportion. You've got a thousand questions that you'll never get answers to right now. Then, you've got to work on forgiving or it'll eat you up alive. And when I say beat the hell out of that pillow--I MEAN it!!!!! Smack it, stomp it, pound it into smitherines and remind him you were the BEST thing that ever happened to him and don't you forget it!!!!!!!! We're here for you. Gayle

[deadsoulwalking]

Thank you Gayle,

The last three days have been pure hell. So many thoughts are going through my head. I've had a great support group who have almost convinced me that they believe my husband and this old flame just talked, my husband loved to talk about his life and plans. Everyone says if he was having an affair we would have known or put some pieces in place now and the truth is we can't.He was with us all the time except for work hours which is when I think "it"happened.I went to the gravesite with two of my friends and I cried for hours. I feel as though I can't get any lower.You are right, the truth is I still love him, I keep saying to myself, he loved me and maybe he made a mistake and was going to tell me and never had the chance.I know that hate in my heart will consume me and I have two children to take care of. You are right, I want to beat the crap out of him so bad yet then I want to hold him tight. He worked had and provided very well with us, we were finacially stable that he could have ended it but instead choose to build a beautiful home for us. It just doesn't make sense. I'm going to see a medium today and I'm sure I'm wasting my money but I feel I need some closure.I'm putting back on my rings and hoping for the best.The question of why will never be answered I've dealt with it for 13 months asking God, now I'm asking him, I'm going to drive myself to a nervous breakdown. I appreciate your post and you are right,I was the best thing that ever happened to him, that's why he stayed, he must have known it too. Thank you for your comforting works and God bless. PS.I'll write later to let you know if this medium tells me anything,I'm going alone and no one knows of my past. Thanks again, Terry

[punkinswife]

to deadsoulwalking, I know what you are going through. I lost the love of my life seven months ago. Three years ago I found out he was seeing someone out of state when he was supposed to be at business meetings. He told me they were not sleeping together and I believed him. Although he talked to her on the phone, he never saw her after I found out, but after he died I had to clean out his office and found motel bills with charges for movies and wood for the fireplace, receipts for things he had bought for her, and a journal of how many times each weekend for three years they slept together. I felt like a knife was plunged into my chest. I cried for days. He had been ill with cancer for seven years during which time I did everything for him. He then died in an automobile accident. I think it was God\'s way of sparing him any more pain, but I don\'t understand why I have to suffer so much pain every day thinking about the two of them together while I was home taking care of his aged father. I keep telling myself that I have to forgive and forget, but it\'s not easy. I loved him so much and still do, but I am angry with him.

[lynnie]

Gayle, Thank you for that. I am holding it together - just. It's not real though because I don't belive he has gone. His funeral was on 10th Jan and I still haven't picked up his ashes. That would make it real and I am not ready. I don't even know what to do with them. I know it will hit me - I just don't know when. On the day of his funeral I had to go to the supermarket and I was angry that people were going about their lives as if nothing had happened. I wanted to scream at them that I was holding my husband's funeral that afternoon. How could they continue their lives when mine had come to a halt. Irrational I know. But then nothing is the same anymore. The only people who can understand are those who have been down this path. I read the posts and we are all feeling the same things. I can only say that I am glad it was him and not me as I loved him so much I would never have wanted him to have this pain.

[hmtod73]

to punkinswife, i want to say to you that i am sorry that you have to deal with something like this in addition to your husband's death. i can not say that i understand what you are going thru. i do not. you have every right to be angry and let those feelings out. tell him how you are feeling and what you are thinking. tell him how much you loved him and how much you still love him. tell him how badly he hurt you. yell if you need to. beat on his pillow. tell him how it made you feel to clean his office and find all that crap. it is ok to feel the way you do. hopefully by working thru these feelings you will be able to get some type of "satisfaction" and by that i mean being able to move thru the grieving process. it is hard for anyone who has lost someone special and we all have to make it thru this process but i do want to say again how sorry i am for you and your situation. please keep coming here to vent and talk. i wish you the best. heather

[deadsoulwalking]

Well, I went to see a "medium" today and it was vague.I know what I'm looking for unfortunately it can only come from my husband. She told me he wasn't coming because I've blocked him out. She confirm there was another female in his life without me telling her anything and no one there knew me, She said they were only friends, he didnt want to hurt me but she read more from it and wanted him. She did tell me that he was angry and upset with her for breaking the friendship trust. After that medium visit I went and had my cards read, that was interesting as well, but agin nothing that I didn't already know, wasted some money but hey, it was something to do. The fact is I do still love him and feel in my heart that he loved me. Now, I have to regain the memory of him back in my childrens image,for it's been distorted. Both readers told me I haven't mourned his death, I haven't faced reality. My first thought was I have a long road to go and I'm not sure if I can make it. They both recommended couseling for me. I just don't know if its going to help. For this past year Ive been talking to him, to God and everyone I know and thought I was doing good but this news took me back a year. God, I wish he was here. I miss him so much, life just isn't fair. I want to blame myself, what did I do that was so wrong? maybe this is where the counceling takes place. Please pray for me,I'm getting weaker and have a long road to go.-Terry

[computermemaw2]

Terry, you hang in there. You've gotta TRY to get through the things. I know it's hard. I'm on anti-depressants myself and take Xanax for those times I feel I'm really going to lose it myself. I talk to my husband in the car pretty much all the time. I tell him about my day at work, especially it it's been a bad one and I need him to talk to so very much. I automatically lay my hand toward the passenger seat because he would hold my hand. My little steps at moving on have been that I've tried to make minor changes in some of my daily routine. For instance, I don't watch the same shows we used to each evening--I've changed to other programs. I've only cooked twice in 14 months. Not much fun to cook for one. I've made myself not immediately go to bed as soon as I get home from work and have started to go out into the yard in the evenings, weather permitting, to do yard work to keep me occupied. I've just started back sewing a little, but still meet many moments when I can't stay in the room because there's just no joy in it any more or I see the little things my husband set up for me in the room and the memories just get too hard. Those still hurt. But I don't want to NOT think about my husband. I don't want to block him the memories just because they hurt. I guess I'm afraid if I do that I'll forget him. It's hard to wipe away being connected with someone 36 years and quite frankly, I don't even know that I want to try. I, too, have had some readings with mediums. My last 2 were 8 months apart with the same reader. And I was quite pleased with the readings. My readings were done by phone so there was no way things could have been brought up by reading body language, facial expressions, etc. I know, though, that for us to make it through this we just have to keep trying. There are certainly a number of days I say what for?...and it scares the hell out of me to think I might be missing my husband like I am now for the next 20 years. I've even said out loud, please God, don't let me live 20 years without my husband. I'm ready now. And trying to figure out now what my life purpose is supposed to be is making me go nuts. I find, though, that I'm perfectly content to just to go work and come back home and close the door. I don't really want to mingle with my neighbors, and I still from time to time go to the movies with my granddaughter or out to eat with some of my girlfriends. I did go to lunch once at my daughter's, but they had another friend over also, and I felt really uncomfortable. They weren't trying to set me up or anything, but I don't think I'm going to be doing that again for awhile. I'm trying now to make myself think of a memory each day about my husband that made me laugh or gave me great joy. Even though I find I will still have tears running down my cheeks, I find that I'm also smiling. Misery loves company and I think we need to also inject some laughter from time to time to remind ourselves we still need to be looking for a way out of our darkness. We don't want to be without our loves ones, and I get really tired of talking to air, but if my husband thinks I'm going to quit talking to him just because he's physically not here--he's got another think coming!!! (grin)I once told my husband I've loved him since I was 15 and would love him until the day I died. AND--since we are eternal--that means forever. We've just GOT to concentrate on getting through just one day at a time. I know it's baby steps, but if that's what it takes, so be it. We CAN'T give in to all of our despair. Please post here as often as you need to. Just knowing that there are others in the group who will listen means so much. Too often people around us seem to get uncomfortable if we start talking about our loves ones, and I, myself, want to talk about my husband. He's still an integral part of my life. But if I see they are uncomfortable or embarrassed, then I just change the subject. In fact, I seldom talk about my husband at work any more. They don't understand. We're here for you 24/7. We care. Gayle

[hmtod73]

deadsoulwalking, hello, i was so anxious to hear how your reading went. i'm sorry that you did not get to hear what you had hoped to hear. actually ,that happens. sometimes we do block out our loved ones, with out even trying of course. sometimes our grief is too much for them to be able to make the connection.....as out of sorts as that sounds. by having both readers tell you that you haven't mourned his death and haven't faced reality, they are just confirming the obvious. we all are having a hard time with the reality of loosing a loved one and we are all having a hard time mourning otherwise we would not be here posting. that is normal and natural. change is hard especially a change like these here. i believe in the gift that (some)mediums have. i go to one faithfully and am very pleased with my results. but that there was said becasue it was obvious. counseling couldn't hurt to try but i would go to a grievence class frist. you may feel more comfortable and that way there are others there that share in your feelings. try your local hospital, churches, or hospice. they all usually offer some type of support classes. your right, this is a long road to travel but we all will make it. just try and take small steps. it will happen, one day you will realize just how far you have come and you will be pleased. keep posting here. i wish you the best. heather

[jenmulloy]

I feel like I'm at a loss for words right now. I havent barely talked to anyone this weekend and I dont want to be around anyone right now. I had a friend invite up to a houe warming party and just couldn't get myself to go and another friend invite me over on Sunday while I was running to the store and just kind of blew her off. I feel bad, but then I don't. I just want to be alone right now and I really don't know why exactly. I'm tired because I can't sleep lately, but everything else seems to be okay I guess. The best it can be anyway. It's weird cause usually I need to be around people to do anything because if I don't I just sit and think about Brad and cry. I guess I'm at a numb stage right now cause nothing seems to be affecting me and I can't get the energy to do anything lately.

[lynnie]

Jen, I have just had a similar weekend. My friend rang up to say she wanted to take me to lunch or dinner and I just blew her off. I just need to be alone. If I want to cry and holler, then I want to do it by myself and talk to David. I know friends want to help but they can only imagine what we are going through. I have just got back from dropping my son off at school (he boards) and am awaiting my daughter to come back from Amsterdam and then I must pick her up at 11pm so I have an hour of solitude to rant on my own. I'll talk to him and to God and be myself without having to put on a brave face for anyone. Then I suppose splash my face with cold water to get the puffy eyes down a bit before picking up Jessica. The bags under the eyes just get bigger. Hang on in there. God bless and I'll include you in my prayers.

Lynn

[deadsoulwalking]

Thanks to everyone who responded, I truly needed your words of comfort this week. I can't even remember what was the last thing I wrote on here,After my two readings Sat.I was happy,yet depressed at the same time. I went to my son's gfriends graduation party, but didnt stay long, again,seeing all the "couples" was depressing. I went to the local bar with my sister in law for a few drinks and to listen to the band, again, nothing seemed right so we left.BUT for the wrong reasons. I drove my sister in law to this other girls house, I feel like I;m 16 again. Why and what brings me to want to sit at the end of her street to get a glimpse. I came home that night to a big empty house, Both kids were spending the night out. I took the advice on this site and beat the crap out of his pillow, had a few true confessions and cried myself to sleep. I woke up Sunday, put his wedding ring back on my necklace, put my rings back on my hand BUT on the right this time(feels strange after 21 years)I went to the store, bought grass seed and flowers and went to his gravesite. I felt much better. I am trying to forgive whatever was done. I keep telling myself, he loved me, I never felt anything different, he was a great father, friend and lover and I can't let her win. Both readers told me that he was very angry with her and I feel as though she spited herself since I turned off the local guestbook. For one year she was unknowingly let into my life and now she'll know nothing. I hope she's feeling like crap for breaking the trust they had in his death, whether it be friends or lovers. I can't say I'm over it, for every other thought it creeps back into my head. My son and I went through the last 6 months of cell phone bills and his easy tag for the tolls to commute last night and found nothing. I'm trying to remind myself that sometimes you don't always need to know. At one of my readings the lady was playing a cd by Enya,called A Day Without Rain.I bought the cd and the songs are calming(warning, some sound like funeral music and will take you back to that last morning) but others are absolutely beautiful. On song sings about the answer is within you. So, my answer is I love my husband and nothing can take that away. Only time will heal. Again,I thank you all for listening, commenting and being here. I'm going to San Antonio Wed for work, actually looking forward to this trip. I need the me time. I was thinking, does this site ever get together? I remember when I was on AOL and my local hometown's chatroom would get together once a month to meet,wouldn't it be neat to have a group hug? I know I could use a "real" one. Take care everyone and I'll write when I get back.- Terry

[jenmulloy]

So I'm just angry today. Not at the typical not having him here but him leaving me here with his daughter. That little girl is so disrespectful I can't see straight. She gets home from school, which she skips anyway, gets on the internet until 9 at night and when she knows I want to get online to get on here, she gets on the phone. So I told her tonight she needed to get off so I could get on the internet and she got all pissed. I told her that it wasn't fair for her to be on the internet, taking up the phone line, then get on the phone right afterward knowing I wanted to get on. She gets home at 3, so from 3-9 she's on the internet, which I pay for and the phone, which I pay for. She started getting nasty and arguing and screaming and I just can't take it anymore. I don't want to just give up, but I can't take it anymore and I won't have my son grow up thinking it's okay to yell at me because it's not. Brady hurt himself earlier when he was playing and he came up to me and put his head on my shoulder. Well, she came up trying to get him from me and he got mad and pulled away from her so she said "fine, i didn't want to hold you anyway you brat". I don't think that was called for and I think I just want to be away from this all, I just can't deal with it anymore and she's not mine, she was my step daughter, and I have no custody and I'm sick of trying. She's been telling a friend of brads that she wished she was her mom and that basically I abuse her and all kinds of crap and I think it's awful. I have never laid a hand on that child and now I'm thinking it should have been done. Regi was basically raised by Grandma because her mother was never around and nothing I've ever done has been good enough and she talks crap about me all the time. I've supported that child for almost 8 years now and she's ALWAYS treated me like this. I've had friends call me and ask me questions about things she's made up about me and I've been like what are you talking about. I don't know. The last thing I told her was she always gets upset about the way people talk to her and treat her and now maybe she should listen to the way she's treating people. She yells and screams til she gets what she wants. The day her dad died she wanted to go to a friends house instead of being with the family and she said that we shouldn't get mad at her because she'd rather be there. I told her I thought her dad was a little more important than running around town and messing around with people. Her dad hadn't been out of this house an hour yet before she started stealing his things and her excuse was, well he's not gonna need it anymore. Maybe I'm wrong for feeling this way toward a 14 year old, but I find it highly offensive and deeply upsetting considering all I've done for her.

[cvaughan598]

Jen,

I know this is going to sound odd... But... Rikki's mom and I have gotten pretty close over the years because of the time we have been able to spend together while we were waiting on Rikki to get home from school. She told me one day that she had taken Rikki to the police station, gone in talked to a female officer... the officer came out took her inside the police station and talked with her... Rikki came out crying and was actually pretty good after that... The other is when she was younger she said you can't do anything to me because it is child abuse... Rikki's mom started packing a suitcase, When Rikki started crying, she said if you want to live under this roof, you live by MY rules. If not, I'll drop you off at social services and THEY can find you a new family. Sounds really mean, I know... But it worked. The other thing that I've noticed, specifically about Rikki's sister (She is 18) is teenagers handle loss totally different from anything we are experiencing. I've read that and seen it, but can't explain it. Maybe getting some counseling or something for her would help? She doesn't sound like a bad kid, just a girl who is VERY lost because she lost her dad. Maybe that is just me. I also don't know the whole situation!

My dog bit a little girl last night... One of the girls in the neighborhood that shuffled her feet and antagonized my dogs when we first moved in... Dog's never forget and he didn't... He bit her twice and tore her jeans up. The police came and were like, yeah... but its the dog's fault and yours... not the fact they antagonized the dog. FYI, all of my animals have their shots, so they let me keep him but he is on house quarantine and they have to be able to look through a window and see him. The police officer was like, I don't want you to get sued and lose your house since you have a new family... blah, blah, blah... I just lost it! I was like, yeah, my wife passed away two weeks after my daughter was born... so I don't have a new family... My daughter is all the family I have. He has a 7 week old, so I think he felt sorry for me. The dog that bit the girl was Rikki's dog... She bottlefed him when he was just two days old. Then the mother was like, you didn't come over and apologize and check on her and I had to go through all that again! Its funny how people who live in your neighborhood can like that. I had already run after the dog, and left Madison alone in my house (9 months old) what was I supposed to do? Leave her there and come check on HER daughter? Before I could get Madison bathed and in bed, the police showed up at my door... So I didn't have a chance to go over on my own! People don't seem to care what it is that we are going through and just want us to go back to the way things were because their lives didn't just get turned upside down... I just wish they could have that feeling for a week and I garauntee their outlook on life would be much different! Same type of thing is happening at school. I'm one of those people, if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours so I have a lot of people that I consider friends... I found out yesterday that some of those people have been talking negatively about me. It came back to me from outside the school! I'll give these other idiots in our world one week to know their soulmates are gone and they will never see, touch, hold, kiss, hug, make love to, anything... with them again... and lets see how THEY hold up! Sorry, I'm venting... as if the weekend wasn't bad enough... I had that happen yesterday, thank you for letting me vent!

I would like to say welcome to all the new posters. Welcome, thats almost funny... Like any of us want to be here... or want the reason we are here rather. We are all here for each other... Never be afraid to vent, post, share, and respond to posts here. I'm coming up on 9 months in two days and without the people I have met on this board, not sure I'd still be sane. So please don't be afraid to post and share... Come to think of it, that 9 months is probably why I'm having such a bad week... Sorry, random thought... I'm glad you found your way here and I hope we can help each other through the coming weeks and months and years and decades... that didn't help me either... Hope to talk with you all again soon.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Chris

[jenmulloy]

Chris,

Regi has been through counseling and told the psychiatrist exactly what she wanted to hear so she could get medication. Regi has a lot of friends who are depressed and she thought it was cool that they got to take pills all the time, so she wanted them too. This counseling started before Brad died. When the counselor said she was basically lazy, she got mad. Brad and I fought with Regi to do everything. She wouldn't clean her room, wouldn't help out with the trash, wouldn't help out with her brother, wouldn't do anything, she expected and still expects to have everything handed to her. A lot of our problems were Grandma always picked up after her, always let her do whatever she wanted and now that she needs her to actually do something, like go to school and be respectful, she won't. The custody situation with her was three way, so brad and his ex and his mom all had custody of her and my mother in law for a long time held that over brads head and always told him she would take regi from him because if she wanted to she could. Regi played brad and his mom against each other for as long as I'd been with them and I hated sitting back and watching it because Regi had nothing good to say about her dad or me to anyone. We were always the bad guys. Regi's mom has never been around, so she was never an issue. I think that she feels guilty about the way she treated her dad, but to be completely honest, shes not acting any different than she did before dad was gone. The only thing is she listened to her dad because his fuse was very short, even though she'd sneak to do what she wanted after that most of the time anyway. I don't know, I asked her the other day why she thought it was okay to do the things she knows her dad told her no to and she wouldn't answer me. I told her if she didn't think he couldn't see her doing all this bad stuff she was sadly mistaken. That finally got to her. I don't know. I'm not a doctor so I don't know exactly what's going on in her head, but, like I said, she's not acting different from before we lost Brad. Now Grandma is upset because she can't control her and I can't stand her yelling at me anymore. At least when Brad was here he stood up for me when regi yelled at me for stupid things. I don't know, all I know is I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown half the time and my son is afraid of his sister and that's not something I'm willing to live with for the rest of my life, nor should I have to.

[cvaughan598]

Jen,

Exactly! You shouldn't have to. You and Grandma need to get togetether and put up a united front for her to see that her behavior is unexceptable. I don't know what to tell you about the phone, but you can actually put a password through parental protection where she cannot get online without your permission and you putting the password in for her. I'm thinking about doing this and it isn't THAT much more expensive... but our cable company here has cable Internet and cable phones... I think I can set up the phone where you need a password to dial out. Our phones at work do that. Sounds like a pain, but it gives you something to hold back from her to get her to act the way she is supposed to. I'm going to keep quiet on the custody thing, if my mother-in-law or mom so much as mentioned taking my child, I'd never speak to them again. I'm thinking that with everything going on, maybe you moving isn't such a bad idea?

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Chris

[jenmulloy]

Chris,

I was hoping you had posted. I was trying to take her to school this morning and she was taking as long as possible. I told her she was going to be late and she might not find it wrong, but she didn't need to be late anymore because it was affecting her grades. Well, she went to Grandma and told her that she needed to take her to school because she couldn't stand me anymore. Well, I'm not going to give her the chance to "stand" me anymore because I'm done. I'm done crying and I'm done trying to be here for her and I don't want to be yelled at or screamed at anymore. She screamed at me before she left and Brady started crying because of it and I can't take it anymore. I have so many things that I'm trying to do for her and her Grandma and I have the child making me cry on a daily basis. I told her that this morning and she told me I'm done caring about you, I don't feel sorry for you because you deserve it. Yeah, well when I'm gone and she doesn't get to see her brother on a daily basis maybe she'll realize what she doesn't have because I can't deal with this anymore. Brad would have never let her treat me this way and maybe it's wrong to just walk away, but I'm not going to fight for a child who just simply doesn't care how she treats anybody anymore. I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

[hmtod73]

jenmulloy, i'm sorry that you are in this situation. i would do WHATEVER it takes to settle her down. go to the extreme. if you have no legal authority over her then have her and her grandma move out. or you and your son move out. i like the parental lock password with the computer and phone lines. or send her to a type of boarding school or "military" school. maybe even a private school. i don't know what is available in your area. maybe you legally cannot do those extreme things, but someone needs to do something now before that child makes more of a mess for herself. i would say foster care but i don't think that is the right answer. kids get away with too much in that too. i am familiar with that a little. talk with her teachers. how does she act when she is in school. what is her attitude. i do understand when you said she told the therapist what he wanted to hear. kids are not dumb. they know how to work "the system". it's called selective intelligence. i don't know what to offer to you. but you need to do something to correct this for yourself and your boy. i wish you the best. heather

[lauraa]

Hi guys,

Haven't been here in awhile...I accepted an award in my husbands honor on Sunday so that took alot of "emotional" prep and alot of tears to prepare for..I cry before and after but I got thru it with a standing "O". Everyone loved my husband. Chris...I know you went back to Rikki's sorority and just did the same thing...so I know you know the emotions. My kids are keeping me busy...in the sports clinic x2 with my boys with sports injuries. I don't know but I just seem to be busy and sill not getting much done...do any of you feel that way. My house is a mess...but I get the priorities done....I'm a good mom...I know one day my kids will be able to say I did a good job being the mom and dad after he "passed". I cry still everyday...my 1 year anniversary is coming up on May 16th....so I feel the emotions building....any suggestions out there??????? Jen, is this your house these nuckle heads are living in????? If so I think it's your way or the highway....you do not need any of this with the emotions that go along with loosing the love of your life......You are using way to much energy with all this. If it is their house I would get the hell out of dodge. Screw it all...I would say I've had enough...I'm done....on a scale from 1-10 I am a 1. No can do! I'm tired just reading about it and you are the one living it. They are inconsiderate and it has to stop or else.....Chris...give Madison a big fat kiss from all your supporters here...To all the Newcomers...I am so sorry for your losses and you are at the right place to get support and comfort that you are not alone.

[cvaughan598]

Jen, I don't know what to say. She has a lot of anger that needs to get out apparently... Maybe directed toward Brad for leaving her? Just a thought. If I were you, I'd leave. Or if it is your place, they can leave. If grandma is taking her side on everything, that isn't something you need. I know I sound like a broken record, but do what you need to do for you and Brad. If that means moving back to Loiusiana or Timbucktoo... do it!

I almost kicked my brother in laws butt when he suggested that if I did something he would have called social services. NOBODY threaten me or my daughter. Yeah, he is a sheriff's deputy on that. He told me that if I made of move on him he would pull his gun... Ha ha! I was like, would you do me that favor? Maybe I'm losing my mind or maybe it was already gone, but who dares a guy to shoot him? I know my things and Madison will be taken care of because I have all that written in my will... I guess my thought process at the time was you are threatening what is left of my family, and that isn't going to happen... and if something happens to me while defending that, then I will be with Rikki again. Its a win win situation... Except for Madison, which is what eventually took over. I don't think he will make anymore comments to me because he thinks I should be committed. But oh well!

Laura, I do know how you felt. Its like it brings it all back for that period of time. I finally got my grass cut yesterday, so I know how the whole do what I can around the house thing goes.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Chris

[sillygirl]

Laura, I know just how you are feeling about the 1 year Anniversary. Been there and done that. But I may be able to give you a couple of suggestions. On the day of the Anniversary, I went to the store and bought a mylar balloon and took it to the cemetary, talked with him for a bit and then said a prayer and let the balloon go. It was very calming and peaceful. I also have a memory candle that I lit also that day. To me, that day was a day to reflect back on what I had done with life so far and how far I had come. Yeah, there were tears but I think that the tears were more of relief, knowing that he was with God now and not suffering anymore. I hope that these help. I will think of you on that day and keep you in my prayers as always. Keep strong and take care. Sue

[biadmin]

Your grief is your story. Talking and sharing your grief can be healing. Reading about other people's journey through the grief process can help you realize you are not alone. People want to read other people's stories. Do you want to share yours? Share yours at Beyond Story.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/stories/index.php

[jenmulloy]

So I've made the decision to leave in July. This is a huge decision and a huge step, but I'm losing what's left of my sanity being here. I told my mother-in-law the morning after my last post that I couldn't take it anymore and I refused to let a 14 year old get away with all the stuff she's doing. Nobody in his family is willing to help with her and for the past week all Regi has been doing is demanding that she be put on depression medication because it helps all her friends and she's tried her friends medication and it made her feel better. She's mad at her brother now, a child who isn't even two now, because he hasn't come near her since she yelled at me that morning. Brady is permanently attached to me everytime she comes in the room. Anybody who thinks kids don't know what's going on around them, regardless of age, are crazy. He watched me cry everytime she said something to me, so I know he's putting 2 and 2 together.

I don't exactly prefer the weather or atmosphere of Louisiana to Colorado, but I prefer my family and friends support. I can afford a nice house in a nice neighborhood, too so I guess that's a plus. I just want to feel somewhat alive again and when I saw mom and could talk to her face to face and hug her, I felt like I was safe again, like I was a child again with no worries. This week I feel like I've been on a downward spiral and all I've been able to think about was everything I'm doing from here on is without him. I'm 24, what the hell did I do so wrong in my life to deserve all of this. Mom keeps telling me how strong I am and I really wish I believed that right now. These past few months have been the lonliest I've ever felt in my life and when things seem to get better, they go right down hill again.

[iocasti]

Hello everyone here, it has been 2,5 mounths since i ve lost my love and probably i am bit lucky since i have to raise the two young children we have together. I just wanted to say that i am tyried of talking to the air, and to his grave, and i want a responce from him, from God, and i want if any of you knows to tell how am i supposed to live now..? I must consentrate in souls? and just thing of myself as soul that has to go too and just be prepared? live as nothing has happened? couse life goes on? am i supposed to learn something from this? Does any of you understand more than i do?