Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

I Miss Him So...


OldGeek

Recommended Posts

  • Members
Chris,

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I hope we will all be rewarded for our suffering like this. Our loved ones suffered and that was their cross and now we are suffering and this is ours. They say eeverything happens for a reason but I'm not sure what that reason is. It's is so hard when life throws us a curve ball and changes in a heartbeat. Our security net disappears and we are left to pick up the pieces. Our constant security vanishes and suddenly we are not secure anymore in any way. It is a long hard road. A rollercoster..I always hated rollercoasters! I lost everything the day my husband "passed". I have to pull myself up by the boat straps everyday....I think my one year anniversay is playing havic on me..just like Easter did. I thought if I could get thru Christmas and New Years the others dates would be easier...I was wrong....it seems to be getting harder for me...maybe that is what the one year marker is all about???? My therapist said all the feelings surrounding that time of his passing will come right back to the surface..I guess she is right...only this time it feels more intense as I am not fighting to keep him alive like I was last year. It is so uncomfortable for me to feel anger and to have a hard time praying...I guess I just didn't feel like god listened to my prayers for healing that he wouldn't listen now???? I'm just so hurt and wounded by the loss of my husband....I loved him with everything I had....now I don't love anything (except my kids). Thank you all for listening and supporting me....I'm sorry I haven't been as supportive as I once felt I was.....I just feel physically/mentally/spiritually....drained. I am fighting hard every minute to head back up the mountain.

Dear Laura i feel exactly as you do with your prayers He didn't listened to me when i needed him why now? But maybe God has to do with souls after they pass away and maybe not for as long as our life in earth goes ..! ? Maybe. As for love i also have love only for my kids 5,4 mounths and 2,4 mounths for all the rest people i am sorry to say that but i am jelous for the most of them couse they have what i 've lost. I hope that better moments will come for us somehow...i feel as you do....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 7.9k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • aprilmoonflower

    817

  • armaiti

    623

  • mishknit

    505

  • rodless

    504

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Members

To Everyone,

Thank you all for your support. This time is so difficult for me. From Dec. 04 thru June 05 I lost my dad, then my husband and my mother. I think I worked so hard at that time to care for everyone and three years up to that point that I didn't have time to breathe. Now, 11 months after loosing my husband and approaching my first year anniversary of his loss I think it's all hitting me hard. I really haven't had a chance to grieve for my parents as I have been grieving so deeply for my husband and holding my family together. When I lost my dad and my husband I lost my two best friends. I am struggling so hard without them and now they are both gone. Last night I found out my best friend's cancer possibly has come back as she had a MRI and there are lesions. I hope I can be a support for her. I am usually the one to hold everybody and everything together andI am the one that everyone comes to for supporot and right now I stay alone alot just to get thru this difficult time. I am just so depressed that I don't have my husband (my best friend) anymore. Realizing and accepting that fact is the hardest thing I have ever ever had to do. We met when we were 14 and from that time on we were soulmates....No-one could ever understand that unless they have experienced it. We worked so so hard to get to where we are today and he was taken from me and our family....It is just so hard to get thru. I feel awful right now that I am not a support to everyone here as it feels unnatural to me but hopefully just if all you here know that I am struggling just like all of you it will help you not to feel so alone. I think we all have to be totally honest here or else we won't heal. I have to be honest and say that I am totally pissed at god. Why do the bad guys get to stay here and the good get taken? When my young brother died in our house fire I turned to god and all the other bad things that have happen I turned to god but now I am struggling to do that....why oh why did my husband have to get sick and suffer like he did and be taken from us....he was the kindest and best guy I have ever know.....I miss him with every fiber in my body. We loved each other so deeply and it is so hard to get use to the fact that he is gone. I know many would say we were lucky to have had that and we were but somethings I will never understand. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement...I really appreciate it. Do you all think it is normal to feel this way? I feel all my barriers have been taken away and now I am grieving at a very deep level. I feel because I am mad at god that he won't forgive me...that's alot of the catholic guilt I was raised with. I still cry everyday and I can't sleep at night unless I take something.....when will this end????? I hope you all have a good day and stay in the moment the best you can .....sometimes that is the only way. Thanks

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
patriotsmom

lauraa, chris, jenmulloy and everyone,

i have not been able to return to church since i have lost david, the anger i have towards GOD had made it hard for me to return back to a place that once brought me so much peace. i'm struggling with what i have learned as a christian, that our GOD is a non hurting God. if this is to be true, then why im i going thru so much hurt and pain right now..why a wonderful man came into my life, only to be taken away in such a short time. we had so many more years to spend together..so much more life to live..we would always talk about how we would grow old together and when the kids were grown, all the plans we would make. but now, i have no plans, no future, no joy, just overwhelming sadness,loneliness and pain. my mom has told me over and over to give all this to GOD and i have prayed and prayed and still have no relieve from this anguish i feel in my heart.

chris, i believe in the afterlife and that i know that our loved ones are still with us, watching over and taken care of us as much as they can. i know there has to be a reason or purpose to why this had to happen, and maybe it is like you said for them to prepare a place for us until we join them someday..i'am not able to get out of the house much right now..with the weather getting warmer, it is hard for me to get out and enjoy it. springtime was one of daves favorite time of year and it feels like my worst..i know i need to try and go and do things but everything reminds me of him..we liked all of the samethings, so i guess now i will have to start doing stuff that i never wanted to before?? i don't know, life just doesn't please me..i have been in that place where if it wasn't for my kids, i too would be with dave now..they are my strength and they keep me going...

lauraa, my heart goes out to you..to lose so much in so little of time..i just cannot imagine..i do believe you are greiving the loss of your parents and that you are not realizing the depth of it because of the deep pain you are going thru with the loss of your husband. i will keep praying for you, for GOD to bring you some kind of comfort in your life. i know i feel like he is not listening to me right now for the anger i have for him but maybe he will listen as i pray for you and everyone else here..

i don't know what you all would think about this, but i feel GOD has sent us to each other by this site ( i want to believe this )so that we can help each other thru this time of pain and sorrow..to be able to talk to those who understand..to vent, cry or just talk about the ones we lost.. im very thankful to have everyone here..it has help me to know that i'm not alone...

always in my thoughts and prayers KIM

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
To Everyone,

I feel awful right now that I am not a support to everyone here as it feels unnatural to me but hopefully just if all you here know that I am struggling just like all of you it will help you not to feel so alone. I think we all have to be totally honest here or else we won't heal. I have to be honest and say that I am totally pissed at god. Why do the bad guys get to stay here and the good get taken? When my young brother died in our house fire I turned to god and all the other bad things that have happen I turned to god but now I am struggling to do that....

Please don't feel awful. We all know this is a rollercoaster. Ironically, I used to love roller coasters. But not this one. You are not alone in feeling pissed at God. I really doubt I will ever pray again. I mean, how can I ask for help from God? He didn't help before. I feel its pointless to ask for anything now. Apparently anything can happen no matter what we ask for or if we try to be honest. I know this is silly, but I got an extra item in the Office supply order I ordered the other day. Normally I would call and give it back. Nope. I won't bother. All the efforts I made to be honest or fair, or kind, no more. Whats the point?

I know the lonliness. I never knew how lonely I could be. I never imagined.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
computermemaw2

How glad I am to hear others say they are also mad at God and are having a difficult time praying. I've started going back to church in an effort to try and get closer to God, faith, etc, and find myself clenching my teeth at times. When the minister starts a prayer I find myself fighting to keep from bursting into tears because I'm wondering what's the use of it all? I'm trying hard to keep to my beliefs, but it gets difficult. I've prayed to God for strength, sobbed that I just can't do this alone, that I'm missing my husband so terribly, and I still feel miserable. I bought a book recently about how to recognize signs from God in the hope that I'd learn what to look for. But I have to admit that there are many times I think to myself what's the use? Who am I fooling? But if I thought I wouldn't one day be reunited with my husband I don't think I could go on. I HAVE to believe we'll be together again. I've started getting concerned because things seem to be just as hard, if not harder as I've passed the year mark. So much so that I find I'm almost breaking into tears at the least thing at work. I've even renewed my subscription for my anxiety pills. I didn't want to take them since I'm also taking an antidepressant, but I'm to the point I want to take anything that'll help me get through this. There are times I feel as if I'm just barely hanging on, yet there are other times that I feel I'm still on automatic. I'll be watching TV and all of a sudden realize I've got tears running down my cheeks. When I'm at work I try to stay focused on work just to keep my emotions in check. And when work ends, I'm just about a basket case as I start driving for home. I keep wondering when I'll stop listening for the garage door to open expecting my husband home. I haven't made spaghetti or potato salad in 14 months. Those were the 2 dishes my husband loved to make, and nothing could beat his potato salad I'll tell you. Isn't that stupid? In fact, I've only cooked twice in 14 months. I either don't eat, or have a bowl of cereal or a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, soup, or salad. Something that doesn't take effort. Who wants to cook for 1 anyways? I think I need to do some volunteer work to be able to concentrate on something else besides me, but after working all day, I'm usually beat by the time I get home, and I babysit my granddaughter 3 times a week. My weekends are pretty much tied up with trying to do the yard. I know what we're all going through is normal for the grieving process, but it sure makes me feel better when I read that all of you are pretty much feeling the same emotions that I am. I've had a couple of occasions where I had to say my husband died and that about killed me. I heard myself saying those words but was thinking how unreal the words sounded to me, my husband couldn't be dead, we were supposed to have at least 20 more years together. You know, it probably sounds stupid, but I never ever thought about either one of us dying. I guess I figured we'd both just go at the same time. I don't know if it'd been easier to have had him sick for a bit so I could be grateful he didn't have to suffer any more. I just miss him. One day he could make me mad as hell, then turn around and do something so sweet it'd melt your heart. And I know there were times I probably drove him crazy. But we fit, you know what I mean? I say good morning sweetheart to him every morning and talk to him as I drive to work. And he's the last thing on my mind at night. It's a challenge to keep going forward. I keep telling myself I'll survive this, everyone else does, life just keeps on going. But it's still hard. I just get up in the morning and think "another day, just let me get the strength to get through it" and I go on. I think everyone at this site is doing wonderful! And I'm drawing strength from each of you. I want everyone to know I value your comments and thank you for being there for me. Gayle

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lonliness doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now. I have a flight back to denver thursday morning and I don't want to go. All the drama and hurt is flooding back more than ever. I was at a little peace here with my mom, stepdad and friends from high school, now I get to go back to the reality of everything. I don't feel so alone when Im staying here with my friend and her kids, but I know I can't rely on other people all the time, but right now I really feel like I need it more than ever. I know I'm not the same person I used to be. I used to be pretty happy all the time, now I don't feel like I have much to be happy for a lot. My son of course and sometimes that feels just about it. I don't want to go back to a place that depresses more with each passing day. Brad was my strength with his family and now that he's gone I feel like I'm being bombarded and guilty for the thought of leaving. I can't help but think they are only wanting me there for Brady because he's Brad's last child, last everything before he died. I miss him so much it hurts and I just want to feel secure again, not afraid and alone. I know I'm going to have to do it eventually, be alone, but Im not ready, not now. The sooner the better to get it over with??? I don't know, I feel so totally helpless I can't think straight.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
How glad I am to hear others say they are also mad at God and are having a difficult time praying. I've started going back to church in an effort to try and get closer to God, faith, etc, and find myself clenching my teeth at times. When the minister starts a prayer I find myself fighting to keep from bursting into tears because I'm wondering what's the use of it all? I'm trying hard to keep to my beliefs, but it gets difficult. I've prayed to God for strength, sobbed that I just can't do this alone, that I'm missing my husband so terribly, and I still feel miserable. I bought a book recently about how to recognize signs from God in the hope that I'd learn what to look for. But I have to admit that there are many times I think to myself what's the use? Who am I fooling? But if I thought I wouldn't one day be reunited with my husband I don't think I could go on. I HAVE to believe we'll be together again. I've started getting concerned because things seem to be just as hard, if not harder as I've passed the year mark. So much so that I find I'm almost breaking into tears at the least thing at work. I've even renewed my subscription for my anxiety pills. I didn't want to take them since I'm also taking an antidepressant, but I'm to the point I want to take anything that'll help me get through this. There are times I feel as if I'm just barely hanging on, yet there are other times that I feel I'm still on automatic. I'll be watching TV and all of a sudden realize I've got tears running down my cheeks. When I'm at work I try to stay focused on work just to keep my emotions in check. And when work ends, I'm just about a basket case as I start driving for home. I keep wondering when I'll stop listening for the garage door to open expecting my husband home. I haven't made spaghetti or potato salad in 14 months. Those were the 2 dishes my husband loved to make, and nothing could beat his potato salad I'll tell you. Isn't that stupid? In fact, I've only cooked twice in 14 months. I either don't eat, or have a bowl of cereal or a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, soup, or salad. Something that doesn't take effort. Who wants to cook for 1 anyways? I think I need to do some volunteer work to be able to concentrate on something else besides me, but after working all day, I'm usually beat by the time I get home, and I babysit my granddaughter 3 times a week. My weekends are pretty much tied up with trying to do the yard. I know what we're all going through is normal for the grieving process, but it sure makes me feel better when I read that all of you are pretty much feeling the same emotions that I am. I've had a couple of occasions where I had to say my husband died and that about killed me. I heard myself saying those words but was thinking how unreal the words sounded to me, my husband couldn't be dead, we were supposed to have at least 20 more years together. You know, it probably sounds stupid, but I never ever thought about either one of us dying. I guess I figured we'd both just go at the same time. I don't know if it'd been easier to have had him sick for a bit so I could be grateful he didn't have to suffer any more. I just miss him. One day he could make me mad as hell, then turn around and do something so sweet it'd melt your heart. And I know there were times I probably drove him crazy. But we fit, you know what I mean? I say good morning sweetheart to him every morning and talk to him as I drive to work. And he's the last thing on my mind at night. It's a challenge to keep going forward. I keep telling myself I'll survive this, everyone else does, life just keeps on going. But it's still hard. I just get up in the morning and think "another day, just let me get the strength to get through it" and I go on. I think everyone at this site is doing wonderful! And I'm drawing strength from each of you. I want everyone to know I value your comments and thank you for being there for me. Gayle
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Gayle,

I totally understand everything you wrote. I could have written that myself.I think there are alot of reasons we are struggling here. We found our soulmates for starters. I thought and totally believed that with the help of god we would be safe and live that long life that we had planned together. I thought if we had goals, worked hard and did all the right things we would be o.k.I thought we would live that long beautiful life until old age together. We never took anything for granted and always tried to do the right things...always.I think that is why we are angry with god. And, I think it is something we need to work thru here. God can handle our anger. Anger for me is very difficult and it has taken me many years to get a handle on that emotion. I was so angry as a child and kept it all inside (after my brother was killed in our house fire). It seem so powerful to me and scared me. I was afraid to let that anger out because it was so strong....so I held it in but with the help of therapy I learned that it was o.k. and ligitimate...I have to believe that god understands the debths of our anger, saddness, lonliness, disappointments, etc. It is by far the worst time of my life and the lonliest. I am approaching my one year anniversary...for one year now everyone has disappeared which has been totally surprising and disappointing to me. If people try on the anniversary to call me I will be totally infuriated. I needed people all year, not just on the anniversay. It dawned on me this morning that I am really sad recently because of the anniversary and because my dad would always drive here and visit me every April and stay for 2-3 weeks and now he is gone. It's funny how your emotions creep up on you without knowing and then then you realize why. I hate this grieving and I wonder when will I feel whole again...what will it take. I can see a correlation here with how everyone feels and we are all feeling the same. It scarey to have to feel emotions that are foreign to us. I read people saying they are angry at god, they feel like dying only to be with their loved ones, anger, saddness, sleeplessness, anxiety, lonliness, etc...We all feel these emotions and I think they are all normal for what we are going thru we just have to all keep talking about them and working them out. The anger works in many different facets....angry at god, angry at them for leaviing us, angry at friends for leaving us, angry at everything. ..that's why it seems to us that nothing matters. I feel all these things, too. It is so hard. I am just flat out angry that life can change so fast and with warning....what's up with that? The only thing I can say is god comforts those who mourn and he will not abandon us. We all have to believe our love ones are with god in the most glorious place imaginable waiting for us again. We have to believe that....They are the happiest they have ever been and watching over us waiting for us but it's not hard for them because time means nothing to them and even though we are suffering they can handle watching it because they know the suffering will end and if we didn't go thru this we would never know the intensity of the wonderment and blissfullness of the after

life. That's what I think....we just have to find a way to stay focused and move forward even though we don't want to.....my energy is so very low and I work everyday to get the strength to go on...minute by minute sometimes....it's just numbness we feel, shock...it takes time and support......we all have each other!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I find myself looking back at my life wondering if there was something I did so horribly wrong to have him taken from me. I lost one of my grandmothers when I was eight, the other two days after my son was born and I have lived through cancer. I think I've fought very hard in my life to get through a lot of things and I just don't have the strength to try this time. I don't want to try, I just want to be where we were. Financially we were struggling, but I was okay with that as long as I had him here to face the world with. Now that financial matters are manageable I keep thinking we were supposed to be in a house we loved and living the life we dreamed of with more children. When something good happens the first thing I do is pick up the phone and dial his work number and a lady answers, if I dial his cell, it's no longer in service. Any small sign of bad news I break down and just when I think I'm doing okay I'm taken back to an overwhelming feeling of just wanting to never do anything again. Mom keeps telling me time heals, but time means that many more days without him and too many sleepless nights. Someone gave me sleeping pills and I don't want to become dependant on them, but I feel like I'm dragging around all day, every day. I had a good friend tell me the other day that when she met my husband she thought he was adorable and extremely attractive, but was afraid to say anything because she thought I'd get mad at the time. I take that as a huge compliment because my husband was mr popularity in high school and I was a huge nerd who got good grades and was in honor society. He made the grades and was gorgeous. I always wondered why someone so good looking ever fell for me. His ex was beautiful, til you got to know her and the way she treated her kids. I don't know, I just miss being the center of someone's world. He'd always ask if I knew how much he loved me, in fact he asked that the night before he died, almost like he knew something was terribly wrong. I don't know, I won't know til it's time for me to see him again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
I bought a book recently about how to recognize signs from God in the hope that I'd learn what to look for. But I have to admit that there are many times I think to myself what's the use? Who am I fooling? But if I thought I wouldn't one day be reunited with my husband I don't think I could go on. I HAVE to believe we'll be together again. I've started getting concerned because things seem to be just as hard, if not harder as I've passed the year mark. ... I haven't made spaghetti or potato salad in 14 months. Those were the 2 dishes my husband loved to make, and nothing could beat his potato salad I'll tell you. Isn't that stupid?

I definitely have re-thought my ideas on God. I do still believe there is an afterlife, but maybe there is no God as I used know it or think it. Maybe its a big energy or intelligence, but it doesn't make things happen or not happen. I don't know. But I just don't think my praying is of any use anymore. No one really gets what they want or don't want no matter how good they are. Things just happened randomly it seems. So I won't waste my breath. But I do believe we move on to another dimension and see loved ones again. Too much evidence (IMO) to think otherwise.

The book I am reading right now "I wasn't ready to Say Goodbye" says they think that 3 years is an average time for healing. So the one year mark may be much too soon for many of you. I would think especially if you had been together for many many years. I am hoping that my short time with my love will mean a shorter greiving time. But the anger I feel at being cheated out of my time is all consuming.

I don't think its stupid that you won't make certain dishes. I won't watch certain shows on television anymore. His favorites taht we would watch together. I still have not been to Trader Joes. We would go together. It was our time to find fun new gourmet or healthy things and plan meals. The Renassaince Pleasure faire is in town and I don't want to to cuz we were supposed to go. I hate that my whole life is turned upside down. Sometimes I still can't believe it. It doesn't really register that he is gone. I still feel like I'm gonna get a call or email and it will just be a bad dream or something.

I feel like I am slowly rebuilding myself. Piece by piece. And its not the same me as before. Sometimes I don't like what is being built and I rip it all down and have to start over. OR sometimes the smallest little thing will give me a shake, and I fall apart and I have to start rebuilding again. Like a mosaic. I have no idea what the final product will be. I already keep my hair short now. I always had long hair. HE loved long hair. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror thinking he will never look at me again and tell me how beautiful I am. So its like I am trying to change myself so I don't see "his girl" anymore in the mirror.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Lonliness doesn't even begin to describe how I feel right now. I have a flight back to denver thursday morning and I don't want to go. All the drama and hurt is flooding back more than ever. I was at a little peace here with my mom, stepdad and friends from high school, now I get to go back to the reality of everything. I don't feel so alone when Im staying here with my friend and her kids, but I know I can't rely on other people all the time, but right now I really feel like I need it more than ever. ... I can't help but think they are only wanting me there for Brady because he's Brad's last child, last everything before he died. I miss him so much it hurts and I just want to feel secure again, not afraid and alone. I know I'm going to have to do it eventually, be alone, but Im not ready, not now. The sooner the better to get it over with??? I don't know, I feel so totally helpless I can't think straight.

I think we all need to do what is best for US at this time. If you really feel better being somewhere else, maybe you need to really think about changing your location. I think this is the time for us to be selfish. We need to heal and only WE know what we need to help that. We are also not very strong at this point and anything that makes us feel worse we need to remove from our lives right now. Just a thought.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
I bought a book recently about how to recognize signs from God in the hope that I'd learn what to look for. But I have to admit that there are many times I think to myself what's the use? Who am I fooling? But if I thought I wouldn't one day be reunited with my husband I don't think I could go on. I HAVE to believe we'll be together again. I've started getting concerned because things seem to be just as hard, if not harder as I've passed the year mark. ... I haven't made spaghetti or potato salad in 14 months. Those were the 2 dishes my husband loved to make, and nothing could beat his potato salad I'll tell you. Isn't that stupid? [/Q

I definitely have re-thought my ideas on God. I do still believe there is an afterlife, but maybe there is no God as I used know it or think it. Maybe its a big energy or intelligence, but it doesn't make things happen or not happen. I don't know. But I just don't think my praying is of any use anymore. No one really gets what they want or don't want no matter how good they are. Things just happened randomly it seems. So I won't waste my breath. But I do believe we move on to another dimension and see loved ones again. Too much evidence (IMO) to think otherwise.

The book I am reading right now "I wasn't ready to Say Goodbye" says they think that 3 years is an average time for healing. So the one year mark may be much too soon for many of you. I would think especially if you had been together for many many years. I am hoping that my short time with my love will mean a shorter greiving time. But the anger I feel at being cheated out of my time is all consuming.

I don't think its stupid that you won't make certain dishes. I won't watch certain shows on television anymore. His favorites taht we would watch together. I still have not been to Trader Joes. We would go together. It was our time to find fun new gourmet or healthy things and plan meals. The Renassaince Pleasure faire is in town and I don't want to to cuz we were supposed to go. I hate that my whole life is turned upside down. Sometimes I still can't believe it. It doesn't really register that he is gone. I still feel like I'm gonna get a call or email and it will just be a bad dream or something.

I feel like I am slowly rebuilding myself. Piece by piece. And its not the same me as before. Sometimes I don't like what is being built and I rip it all down and have to start over. OR sometimes the smallest little thing will give me a shake, and I fall apart and I have to start rebuilding again. Like a mosaic. I have no idea what the final product will be. I already keep my hair short now. I always had long hair. HE loved long hair. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror thinking he will never look at me again and tell me how beautiful I am. So its like I am trying to change myself so I don't see "his girl" anymore in the mirror.

Pandora dear,

i feel exactly as you do....with God ...prayers...and as for reboulding myself...i am not the same person and i know i ll never be, but i still exist although its only almost two mounths that i ve lost my man, so i ll try to go on with the best way i can...and i realy want me to be happy again and i ll fight for it...:) i am telling this to all of you...noone comes back from where our beloved has gone...we are still here.... try try try somehow to find joy and hapiness ....there must be something left for us....and if not...we will make it...life goes on...i love you all...:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
I bought a book recently about how to recognize signs from God in the hope that I'd learn what to look for. But I have to admit that there are many times I think to myself what's the use? Who am I fooling? But if I thought I wouldn't one day be reunited with my husband I don't think I could go on. I HAVE to believe we'll be together again. I've started getting concerned because things seem to be just as hard, if not harder as I've passed the year mark. ... I haven't made spaghetti or potato salad in 14 months. Those were the 2 dishes my husband loved to make, and nothing could beat his potato salad I'll tell you. Isn't that stupid? [/Q

I definitely have re-thought my ideas on God. I do still believe there is an afterlife, but maybe there is no God as I used know it or think it. Maybe its a big energy or intelligence, but it doesn't make things happen or not happen. I don't know. But I just don't think my praying is of any use anymore. No one really gets what they want or don't want no matter how good they are. Things just happened randomly it seems. So I won't waste my breath. But I do believe we move on to another dimension and see loved ones again. Too much evidence (IMO) to think otherwise.

I feel like I am slowly rebuilding myself. Piece by piece. And its not the same me as before. Sometimes I don't like what is being built and I rip it all down and have to start over. OR sometimes the smallest little thing will give me a shake, and I fall apart and I have to start rebuilding again. Like a mosaic. I have no idea what the final product will be. I already keep my hair short now. I always had long hair. HE loved long hair. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror thinking he will never look at me again and tell me how beautiful I am. So its like I am trying to change myself so I don't see "his girl" anymore in the mirror.

Pandora dear,

i feel exactly as you do....with God ...prayers...and as for reboulding myself...i am not the same person and i know i ll never be, but i still exist although its only almost two mounths that i ve lost my man, so i ll try to go on with the best way i can...and i realy want me to be happy again and i ll fight for it...:) i am telling this to all of you...noone comes back from where our beloved has gone...we are still here.... try try try somehow to find joy and hapiness ....there must be something left for us....and if not...we will make it...life goes on...i love you all...:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
cvaughan598

Lot of anger and resentment here today. Pandorra, I know how you feel about the looking in the mirror thing. Rikki used to do that to me, just to make me feel better... She would walk up behind me and put her arms around me and hug me and say your so handsome, I'd always answer, yeah, but I don't hold a candle to you... I miss that all the time. The cuddling on the couch, the dinners, late night runs to Wendy's because we were too busy doing other things to eat at a decent hour. Her voice asking me to do something for her. I kept her mobile phone on with her voice mail on it just so I can hear her voice if only briefly. I will disagree with you on the "is no God" comment. Rikki and I found each other working together after I decided on a whim to move to Greensboro to work... We ended up going to school together, moving to Va Beach and back to school together, graduated together, got married... Neither of us had good jobs, but we were blessed to both get teaching jobs at the same time, we bought a house, had our animals, went on Chlomid to get pregnant and succeeded on the first round of the fertility drug. Rikki gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. Rikki passed away two weeks after that... and yes that still hurts and yes I am still angry at God for that, but I'm sure he understands that. Rikki was saved and baptized a little over a year before she passed. She talked her sister and mother into coming to church and her sister was saved a couple of months after Rikki. My brother and I have re-established our relationship and are as close if not closer than we have ever been. Does that mean I wouldn't like to have Rikki back? Hello? I'd give everything including my soul to have her back... But I know she is sitting at His feet, and preparing my place for when I can join her.

All of our anger is NOT unfounded, here is how I am dealing with it. I forced myself to pray. I told Him I was angry with Him and that I was hurt by him taking her away from me. I asked that he watch over her, me, and Madison and allow her to watch over us to. I asked that she be allowed to come back to see us in our dreams... I shared my story about my conference last week... Let me share this, Rikki passed two weeks after Madison was born... Madison has and never will get to know her mother. Yesterday, I walked up to one of Rikki's pictures in my bedroom and she got this huge grin on her face... I said Momma, and she started kackling like she knew exactly who it was. It is my belief that Rikki has been coming to Madison and helping her as well as helping me even though I haven't sensed her that much. Madison hasn't been sick (knock on wood), sleeps through the night, and has generally been a model child for a single father with very little experience and knowledge of raising kids! With all of that happening, you CANNOT convince me that there is not a God. Do I understand why things happen? No, and again, I have the same anger and confusion that the rest of you do. Been on the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings. As Madison gets older the more and more she reminds me of her mother. Do I wish I still had her, yes... But I was left with the most beautiful gift she could have left me.

I know many of you are struggling and I wish I could help more... Just remember to keep your head up because that is what your soulmates would want from you. Especially those with kids. JEN, you do what you feel you need to do... I am starting to apply for new jobs and am looking at a career change to get out of teaching. Guess we will see where that goes from here. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Time doesn't heal, nothing heals the wounds we have been inflicted... Just remember, memories and love are there forever, regardless of the time we spend without them. I send hugs to you all (((((:)))))

Chris

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Lot of anger and resentment here today. Pandorra, I know how you feel about the looking in the mirror thing. Rikki used to do that to me, just to make me feel better... She would walk up behind me and put her arms around me and hug me and say your so handsome, I\'d always answer, yeah, but I don\'t hold a candle to you... I miss that all the time. The cuddling on the couch, the dinners, late night runs to Wendy\'s because we were too busy doing other things to eat at a decent hour. Her voice asking me to do something for her. I kept her mobile phone on with her voice mail on it just so I can hear her voice if only briefly. I will disagree with you on the \"is no God\" comment. Rikki and I found each other working together after I decided on a whim to move to Greensboro to work... We ended up going to school together, moving to Va Beach and back to school together, graduated together, got married... Neither of us had good jobs, but we were blessed to both get teaching jobs at the same time, we bought a house, had our animals, went on Chlomid to get pregnant and succeeded on the first round of the fertility drug. Rikki gave birth to my beautiful baby girl. Rikki passed away two weeks after that... and yes that still hurts and yes I am still angry at God for that, but I\'m sure he understands that. Rikki was saved and baptized a little over a year before she passed. She talked her sister and mother into coming to church and her sister was saved a couple of months after Rikki. My brother and I have re-established our relationship and are as close if not closer than we have ever been. Does that mean I wouldn\'t like to have Rikki back? Hello? I\'d give everything including my soul to have her back... But I know she is sitting at His feet, and preparing my place for when I can join her.

All of our anger is NOT unfounded, here is how I am dealing with it. I forced myself to pray. I told Him I was angry with Him and that I was hurt by him taking her away from me. I asked that he watch over her, me, and Madison and allow her to watch over us to. I asked that she be allowed to come back to see us in our dreams... I shared my story about my conference last week... Let me share this, Rikki passed two weeks after Madison was born... Madison has and never will get to know her mother. Yesterday, I walked up to one of Rikki\'s pictures in my bedroom and she got this huge grin on her face... I said Momma, and she started kackling like she knew exactly who it was. It is my belief that Rikki has been coming to Madison and helping her as well as helping me even though I haven\'t sensed her that much. Madison hasn\'t been sick (knock on wood), sleeps through the night, and has generally been a model child for a single father with very little experience and knowledge of raising kids! With all of that happening, you CANNOT convince me that there is not a God. Do I understand why things happen? No, and again, I have the same anger and confusion that the rest of you do. Been on the rollercoaster of emotions and feelings. As Madison gets older the more and more she reminds me of her mother. Do I wish I still had her, yes... But I was left with the most beautiful gift she could have left me.

I know many of you are struggling and I wish I could help more... Just remember to keep your head up because that is what your soulmates would want from you. Especially those with kids. JEN, you do what you feel you need to do... I am starting to apply for new jobs and am looking at a career change to get out of teaching. Guess we will see where that goes from here. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Time doesn\'t heal, nothing heals the wounds we have been inflicted... Just remember, memories and love are there forever, regardless of the time we spend without them. I send hugs to you all (((((:)))))

Chris

I have to agree with Chis about God. It has been almost 7 months since I my fiancee was killed in a car accident along with his brother and two friends. I thought I would have died with out him. That it would be impossible for me to live with out him.

I have questioned God many times. Why did he choose this for us? Maybe he made a mistake? I do believe God answers our prayers just not always in the way that we think they should be answered. The guys were out and Matt called me to tell me he was going to turn off his phone because it was going to die. I asked him to come home...he responded in a very confident and caring voice, \"we\'ll be home soon.\" I prayed that Matt, Jon, Vinnie, and Eric would get home safely, and they did. They did not come home to the home I was thinking of or the home Matt was thinking of, but they went home to the ultimate home.

We will never fully understand what God has planned for us until we are with him, but he does have an ultimate plan. We may get mad, we may not agree with it, we may question what life is all about, and that is all fine we just have to trust he knows best and believe which is the hardest thing to do right now. I have never thought of myself as a very religous person, but I do know that when I made a decision and told God, "You want my pain! FINE! TAKE IT!" Some how it became a little more bearable. It is not easy, I still hurt very, very much, but I am sharing the pain now... Don't shut out God, don't do it alone.

I am thinking and praying for all of you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Meg195 and Chris,

Thank you both for your post. It really helps me to hear your opinions especially when I am feeling low. I am approaching my one year anniversary and it feels like all the emotions surrounding events at this time last year are right on the surface again. Boy, did we love deeply! I loved him with every cell of my being and I just am having a very difficult time adjusting to not having him anymore..nothing feels right anymore! We had what a marriage was suppose to be and like all of you have experienced, it was taken away. This is the greatest suffering I have ever had to endure. Sometimes I wonder who suffered the most...my husband or me, now....? He gave me so many beautiful gifts that I am thankful for, ages 20, 15 & 13. I see him in all they do...they are my reason for living and everything I do in my life is for him to look down and say that is the girl I love so much and married..and that I will be with again... This is a long hard road. Thank you guys for your encouragement and I will and do keep you all close to my heart and in my prayers daily.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

There is so much that you all have said that I want also to say. I also wish I could send us all a big big hug!!!!! Ron has been dead 10months and like some of you I seem to be going backward instead of forward. I am so lonely. I also am angry but I don't know who to be angry at. God did not Do this to me. He has given me the strength to go on but he did not cause Ron to die. I can't be mad at Ron because he did not die on purpose. So who does that leave? If I am angry at myself what am I angry about??? I am now dealing with some of the consequences of ron's illness and death. I have been having extensive dentalwork done because I neglected myself while ron was sick. My weight is really out of control because I just don't seem to care about anything. I mean so what if I am fat? who really cares???? I know this is just one more thing to wrestle with but I get so tired of going thru the muck in hopes of feeling like I am part of things again. I just miss Ron so much and what we had together.

Oh well thanks for letting me vent and I wish all of you a peaceful week.

Becky

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Becky,

It has been 11 months for me now since I lost my love and I feel exactly like you do....sometimes I feel like what's the use???? I think those of the slumps we fall into thru this horrible process. We have got to be strong people to survive this. To love so deeply and to have it all taken away. We have to be careful that we don't end up bitter olde ladies...our husbands would not want that for us. I do understand how you feel....and remember the anger normal but we need to channel it in the right way. We all need each other. And, even though I am having a tough time praying it is only when I lean on god that I feel my strength coming back. I believe our loved ones are with god in the most peaceful/blissful place imaginable and waiting......for us.....and we can't be a mess when we get there........Keep writing......I had a bad day, week, month....but I'm risin'.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Chris,

Thank god he left you with little Madison. I think of you alot! I try and picture Madison...I think she has dark hair that surrounds her face and she has the softest eyes, and I can picture the little fat rolls on her arms and legs....boy, those were the days. Please know you and everyone else here are in my heart always. It has been rough sailing for me lately. And, I'm at the 11 month marker and it doesn't seem any easier for me. Sometimes I think that will teach me to love so deeply. But, I really wouldn't have done it any differently. My dad use to say "life isn't fair"....boy, was he right. Sometimes I think about all the hurdles we all need to cross thru this life here on earth and wonder why it is so hard? I don't think we will know the answer to all of our questions until it's our turn to "pass"....then we will understand completely. I am completely sad and extremely lonely....and working hard to get thru each day and trying to adjust to the biggest loss of my life. Please know you and everyone here who has lost their spouse that you are all in my heart and prayers......

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Sillygirl,

Thank you for your last post....I always think of you knowing you got thru the one year anniversay. Thank you! You always manage to inspire and encourage me thru all this. I know even though you sound strong that it is not easy for you...I hope your girls are doing well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I sit here reading all of your postings and all I can think is how lucky you are. So many of you talk about your husbands, wives, children...Matt and I never had the chance to have our wedding, our children, live out half of our plans and dreams.

As hard as I know this is for all of us, it might be helpful to just take a minute look at your children, look at the wedding photos and breath. Remember that you have more to thank God for than some, and know that your loved ones live in your children.

Keep your heads up, I am thinking and praying for you all.

Marie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

In the Jewish religion when we say the Mourner's Kaddish (Prayer) the prayer is for those of us who are alive, that we may find something that our loved ones had inside of them and we should carry that flame on to honor their life. I like to think of it that way.

I lost my husband 5 years ago and yes, while it has gotten softer, I still miss him and sometimes more than others.

My heart goes out to those of you who are so new to this grief. It is the worst thing possible that could ever happen to us and it is the darkest hour of our lives. It's as though we were picked up and placed in hell.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I have a really hard time believing any of this is going to get better. I was with a friend and a guy she's been dating when I went to visit Mom. He was getting pretty comfortable with me and kind of hitting on me when he started asking a lot of personal questions then asked where I was from. I told him and he proceeded to make nasty comments, including stuff about my husband and I got upset. Then he asked "He's not dead is he?" I just stared at him for a few minutes and managed to get a yes out and couldn't believe the whole situation. It's stuff like that which makes me never want to go out again. I know I still wear my wedding ring, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. Then another one of her friends, who I met the same night for the first time, was asking me about any insurance that was left and if I get social security for Brady and how much if I do. I mean, come on, I don't even know these people and they felt it was okay to be that intrusive. Maybe I'm overly sensitive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Jenmulloy,

If you want my opinion it's none of anyones business what your money situation is and I don't think you are being over sensitive here...That is one reason I don't put myself out there in the world...yesterday, I was sitting in my back yard all alone relaxing, having a coffee, listening to the birds and my next door neightbor came over as she always does and asked me if I had a boyfriend. She said my kids will grow up and not care about me anymore and I need someone before I get old.....I said what the Hell would I need a boyfriend for...I have enough problems! Some people have a hell of a nerve...this same person told me just a couple months after my husband "passed" that I needed to forget him and find someone else......how did I ever contain myself at that time.....That tells ya what this earthly world is made up of....I hate that. My husband and I always said, "it's you and me against the world"...now I know we were right....I want to shout out to the world, "I really and truely lost my soulmate and that really does happen in this world"....I'm sorry for anyone who has never found that cause then I probally would feel the same way as them....If I die today I can honestly say I found true love and there was meaning and purpose in our lives and that we lived by the golden rule.....Until we meet again......That is why I stay alone so I don't have to deal with the coldness of this world...I would rather be alone but sometimes I can't escape it even in my own back yard.....I miss my husband.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Laura and everyone'

Thanks so much for the words of support and kindness. Ron would not want me to be so miserable and to focus so much on what I don't have. I really try to be positive but some days I just don't see anything positive or anything even to look forward to. But I get by and even though praying right now is so hard i just try to ask for peace and unconditional love from god. He knows how I am hurting and I will heal with His help. So I hope all of you are able to cope with all of these potholes in this journey and I know that posting here helps a lot . Thanks again for caring.

Becky

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Becky,

I have days that no-matter what I do I can't seem to feel better...I just ask god to help me get thru and I pray to my husband to help raise me...it's all I can do right now....I still ask why, I still don't have a zest for the things I once loved and I really don't care about very many things except my children....The absolute worst thing has happened to me and our family and I know nothing will ever be that bad again so now I just coast thru things unphased...does that make sense????

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lauraa,

I'm really sorry about your neighbor and all the nasty things you have had to listen to. I guess it makes it a little easier to know I'm not the only one surrounded by jerks sometimes. I'm tired of the guilt trips and having to explain myself all the time. When Brad was here, he defended me and protected me and now all of that is gone and I have no one. I had someone ask me the other day if I had a boyfriend and I looked at them and was rude and said "He's barely been gone 5 months, a boyfriend, no thanks." Maybe I came across rude, but that made me mad. I know some people have to have someone around, but I don't care if I'm never with anyone again. I know I'm barely 25, and yes, that's young and I don't know what the future might bring, but right now, no, I don't see myself with anyone else. I'm scared of anything and everything the future might bring because it's just me, not us anymore and I hate that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi Jenmulloy,

You what the sad part is about people saying these things...they aren't kidding and are serious.....if the rest of the word is made up of people like this then you can deal me out....I am with you as I can't see myself with anyone else....I think people who have never met or been with their soulmate could not possibly understand the debths of our loss. I just try and hold him as close to my heart as I can even though most people don't ask or just say dumb, insensitive things...I really do feel alone in this world. I know even if people aren't saying it they are thinking it is only a matter of time until I meet someone again. Remember, this is an instant gratification society we live in. I was use to sacrificing in order to get ahead in this world and worked hard with my husband to do it. I can't see any of that in my future. I am just trying to stay focused in order to survive this horrible thing called "grieving". I hate the word "widow". I am tired of working, working, working at raising kids, running a house and all the other stuff that comes along with this territory. Thanks for posting to me and I hope your days get better and better with each one....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
cvaughan598

LAURA, Funny how people that don't love the way we loved and have the same type of loss think its like getting divorced or breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend... they think we can just move on and be "okay" with someone else. As for your comments to feeling low... You know I've been there, we all have and you were there to pick us up and help us feel better... Well guess what? Consider this repayment! Although I HATE the reason we are all here, we all found our way here for a reason... Not by chance. As for Madison, she turns 9 months on Friday... As you know always tough because 9 months without Rikki is right behind it. She has the fat rolls, but chubby cheeks (Like her mommma) brown hair, but not a lot of it, blue/gray eyes (so pretty) and Rikki's dimples. I wish I could post of picture of her to the website... She is my pride and joy. I don't like going anywhere without her and she doesn't like me to leave her sight... which has been interesting! She pulled up and was standing in her crib on Friday morning when I woke up. First time, I cried like a baby until I realized her mother did see it... I just wanted her to be here for me to call her to the door to see it. She had gotten up but couldn't figure out how to get back down! VERY FUNNY!

Jen, I'm sorry you have been dealing with issues with your friends, friends. It really is nobody's business. The only people that know about my financial stuff are the people that needed to know to help me. Of course it helped that we didn't have but the basic insurance so I only had like 5,000 on her. Made life very difficult. Thankfully, my church family, Rikki's sorority sisters, and our families bailed me out getting back on my feet. I just tell everybody that I don't have any money and that I have "just enough to get by." Which isn't totally false! Because SSI is for Madison not for me... Anyway, just wanted to share, don't tell what they don't need to know.

EVERYONE ELSE, Hope everything is going as well as could be. I am just trying to get through the first year and I'll go from there. I'll be thinking and praying for you all! Hugs and thoughts!

Chris

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
There is so much that you all have said that I want also to say. I also wish I could send us all a big big hug!!!!! Ron has been dead 10months and like some of you I seem to be going backward instead of forward. I am so lonely. I also am angry but I don't know who to be angry at. God did not Do this to me. He has given me the strength to go on but he did not cause Ron to die. I can't be mad at Ron because he did not die on purpose. So who does that leave? If I am angry at myself what am I angry about??? I am now dealing with some of the consequences of ron's illness and death. I have been having extensive dentalwork done because I neglected myself while ron was sick. My weight is really out of control because I just don't seem to care about anything. I mean so what if I am fat? who really cares???? I know this is just one more thing to wrestle with but I get so tired of going thru the muck in hopes of feeling like I am part of things again. I just miss Ron so much and what we had together.

Oh well thanks for letting me vent and I wish all of you a peaceful week.

Becky

Technically I know God did not do this. I always used to think that when people would blame God. My neighbor lost his 19 yr.old son about 9 years ago. I remember him saying he had a bone to pick with God. I thought that God does not make these things happen. I hope I did not offend anyone by saying I didn't believe in God. I am just so angry, and like Becky said, I have no where to direct my anger. Usually it is at Jeff himself I am angry at. Who else can I blame? Thanks for words Chris and meg. I appreciate it and it made me feel better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Dear Jenmulloy, ...yesterday, I was sitting in my back yard all alone relaxing, having a coffee, listening to the birds and my next door neightbor came over as she always does and asked me if I had a boyfriend. She said my kids will grow up and not care about me anymore and I need someone before I get old.....I said what the Hell would I need a boyfriend for...I have enough problems! Some people have a hell of a nerve...this same person told me just a couple months after my husband "passed" that I needed to forget him and find someone else......

I agree that Jenmulloys financial situation is nobody's business. Also, Laura, I think your neighbor doesn't mean to be hurtful. They just have no idea what this is like since they are not in the situation. Also, many don't believe in soulmates. I never did until I met Jeff. Her telling you to move on before you get old is probably what SHE thinks SHe would do in the same situation. But until she experiences it first hand, she has no idea what it is like. None of them have any idea. Thnking back, a good friend of mine had a sister who was widowed. I remember saying how we need to find her a boyfriend. I hope she forgave me for saying that. I realize now that she most likely didn't want to hear that from me. But I really only wanted to help because I really liked her and hated to see her lonliness. I had never met her husband. I know she forgave me thank goodness, because she became a good friend after. I have lost touch with her since then, but I have been thinking about her lately because I realize now how strong she must be to have gotten through this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

CHRIS,

Thank you so much for saying that I helped to pick you up in the past when you were down...that means alot to me that you feel that way...I do feel bad that I am down and I try to be cautious most times to not overwhelmed everyone. That is my nature to take care of everyone but for me the hardest time has been when I have been angry at god....those are totally overwhelming for me especially when I wake up in the middle of the night. I think we are all justified to feel that way given what we have gone thru. CHRIS, your little Madison sounds just like I pictured her...I know you are so proud of her and she is the apple of your eye....Remember, your wife is with you guys always...I really do believe that. I am so sorry you have to do this alone. It is so easy to fall into a pit of total grieve but I think we are all doing a really decent job of surviving our losses...I am really proud of you!

To Everyone Else....I know people are just plain ole feeling helpless when it comes to us...we just have to have be prepared at all times to handle people and really it shouldn't be that way. I know people are watching me all the time just wondering what is going on, etc. And, I lay low.....There have been some really kind friends who have reached out to me and that has been nice...I have been encouaged by several people to write a book about grieving....? I guess the title would depend on the stage I am in....I don't think anyone would buy it...lol....there wouldn't be any sex in it! lol...Oh, well...I hope you all have a good sleeping night.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

The thing I fear most now is losing my son. I find myself waking up just to make sure he doesn't have a blanket around his head like when I picked him up from daycare the other day. They told me I was overeacting. Would you just let a 22 month old stay asleep with a blanket wrapped around his entire head, covering his mouth and nose. I'm sorry, just because I work there doesn't make it okay and I think any parent would react the same way. I know now that Brad died I am a little more crazy when it comes to things, but when it comes to Brady, he's my life and the greatest gift Brad ever gave me. If I lost Brady I wouldn't have anything. If I lost Brady, I wouldn't have anything to live for.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
cvaughan598

Jenmulloy, Do I know what you are saying! YEAH! Madison is all I have left of Rikki. We are so young and have SO many years to live without them. When Madison so much as makes a different sound I'm awake. I don't sleep that well so it doesn't help that the monitor is right beside my head and I wake up everytime she breathes funny. I guess that comes from waking up and finding Rikki in our bed... But without Madison, I wouldn't be here. I'd be with Rikki. If something were to happen to her, I probably would go with her too... No need to be here without both of them for sure. NO, I don't think you were overreacting, they need to understand that because of you losing Brad that ANYTHING that could be an issue is going to bother you. Same happens with me. you are not alone!

Thoughts and prayers with you all...

Chris

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

CHRIS and JENMULLOY,

Ditto! It comes with the territory! I don't sleep anyway...now, I am even waking up after taking 2 benadryls every night to sleep. We will worry for the rest of our lives, unfortunately, but the truth is just being a parent without this happening to us we would worry anyway...this just compounds things....You two are doing a really great job and your little ones are so lucky to have you both...I'm not kidding or handing you a line of bull! Your loved one are watching....I'm telling you both that when I close my eyes I can see my husbands face! It's is torturous because I'm torn...I know he is there but I can't have him......I cry! ....I love you guys...stay strong......I feel like we all here are family.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Laura

Thank you for the compliment, sometimes I wonder just how good of a parent I am considering this is my first shot from day one. Yes, I've had my step daughter for eight years, but I didn't have her from birth and I won't get to take her with me if I move. You know, you and Chris have been my saving grace when it came to being totally rock bottom, and for that, I sincerely thank you. I know I'm not that great of a support right now. I don't think I'm done being angry yet, even though I try not to look as bad as I feel sometimes. You are a very strong person to be able to balance your life and still help all of us. Lord knows nobody can see through us, if they could, they'd see just how broken we all are and maybe we'd get less of the insensitive words some people seem to spit out without a second thought.

Chris

You know I really don't think anything surprises me anymore. I had a girl at work put a dead butterfly in my face yesterday morning and said "I bet you've never seen anything this dead" or something to that effect and I just looked at her and made a comment about my husband and she got really quiet. I don't guess I'm very subtle anymore, but having had all kinds of crappy things shoved in my face, I can't help but get a little frustrated sometimes.

I hope all is as well as can be with everyone. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
cvaughan598

Jen, as messed up as it sounds... She deserved what you said to her! I don't think people understand just how difficult it is when you find your loved one the way we did! Everyone else, don't get me wrong... I'm not saying the way you lost your loved ones is better or worse... Its an image that will stay in my head forever, and I doubt I will ever be able to get it out... Seeing her, trying to wake her up, picking her up out of our bed in my arms and carrying her to the open area in our bedroom floor to perform CPR... Never getting a pulse or breathing back... I don't think many people will ever understand what that is like. Having that mental image in your head... Wanting to be with her and the paramedics to watch over her like I had done for 8 years before... But not being able to, because of a crying 2 week old. I can only picture that girl's face when you responded... Honestly, when I read your post it made me chuckle a little. People accidently make themselves look like such morons sometimes. What can you do? I know her saying that to you hurt your feelings... But I bet NOBODY else will make a comment like that there! I can see it now, "Oh my God, did you know Jen found her husband?" and "all I did was..." Fair warning be expecting eyes to be following you for the next week or so! Brings up the question that always comes up here... Why did God take our good ones and leave them here with us!?

Thoughts and Prayers!

Chris

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Chris, you know I felt bad for a little while afterward because Abby is a sweetheart. She is actually one of the few that never came out and asked what happened as bluntly as everyone else did. I work with another lady who's daughter is friends with my niece and as soon as she put two and two together, she was saying how much she disliked Brandy. Oh well, what do you do?? The image of finding Brad will never go away. I'm almost afraid to get up sometimes fearing I'll see him again. The only saving grace was that his eyes were closed and he was smiling, like he knew he was free from all his pains that he had. I try to comfort myself knowing he's better off, but it doesn't always work. I hide a lot of my pain being a smart alleck and when people are stupid anymore, I'm pretty blunt. Probably not the best way to deal with things,and this may sound selfish, but I think I've dealt with plenty the past few months alone. I bought a shirt the other day that says "How's my attitude 1-800-WHO-CARES" and another that says "I HAVE ISSUES". If those alone don't say it before someone talks to me, hey, they've had fair warning. Oh, I wanted to tell you too, walmart has these heart necklaces that engrave pictures on the front of them and you can put messages on the back. You just take a picture that you want in and they do it for you. It's 50 bucks and an extra 20 for words, but I wanted it, so I ordered it. Just a thought I had to ALWAYS have a part of him with me, even though, yes, Brady is a part of both of us. It was a picture of both of us shortly after we met. OH!!! I'm happy you got a laugh out of another one of my lovely encounters. I think I'm kind of getting over being angry everyone says something stupid. If they just wore a sign.......

Jen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
cvaughan598

Jen, Let me just say... I come here in the mornings hoping you have posted! Your sarcasm towards those that have not experienced the deep loss and grieving that we have is so funny. I don't have the guts to say those things to people... Probably because people would perceive me as an a-hole because I'm a man and should be able to get over it... Your shirts say it all about MY life right now too... I wish I could say Rikki was smiling. I'm sure she is now though. Some people don't mean to be as blunt and say the stupid things they say... But others deserve what they get from us. People have said things to me... thought about it and just shrunk up and said Oh my God, I'm so sorry... I just shrug and leave them standing there. Others get a typical smart remark or sarcastic tone and remark... Its fun to watch their reaction sometimes. I'm still waiting for the typical mad high schooler remark about wanting to meet my wife because her pictures are good looking. Had one of those the week I came back to work. He didn't say a word to me for two weeks he was so embarrassed.

I started lighting candles (Rikki was a big Yankee Candle fan) at night before I go to bed to put her scent and how she had our house smelling in the air. Lame attempt to dream about her I guess. Anyhow, I sleep with her pillows still in my bed. Gives me the feeling like I'm not alone... Apparently last night I wasn't. I rolled over and went to pull her favorite pillow with me. Understand, this is the pillow she had when she was like 5! So it had been stitched and falling apart... But smells so much like her still 9 months since she laid her head on it. THE PILLOW DIDN'T COME WITH ME! It was jerked right out of my hand... The way she used to when I tried to steel it because it is so soft... Like someone was laying on it... I woke up immediately and no one was there... I figured maybe I was laid on it... Looked down... NOPE! I think Rikki was there with me last night. First time I had that feeling at home in a LONG time. I slept like a baby curled up to that pillow the rest of the night. Not sure what I'm going to do when Madison is old enough and her mothers pillows go to her. It’s going to be awfully lonely... Oh wait... when did that change?

Thanks for the info on the charm! I'll go check that out this afternoon. I'm working on getting pictures together to put in my collage frames to hang on the wall, I'm so glad I had the chance to have so many pictures of Rikki from HS up through when we were married. It was a double edged sword. Having relapses of the memories and funny pictures that we took helped in making me smile but I miss those times and the fact that I will never have them again. I'm also started putting together Madison's "scrapbook." Technically she will have two of them... or more... as she gets older... But I'm doing one with just things about her mother... Pictures, things with her handwriting, just anything that I have that Madison might like to have. Just a thought, but those of you with older kids, may want to think about that for them... Wal-Mart has all the supplies and they aren't THAT expensive. I know you can get decorative scissors and edging scissors at the dollar store... One of Rikki's favorite places to show by the way... Probably Markers too. Jen, this is something that you may definitely want to consider as you can use it like I am to help Brady get to know Brad without getting to spend much time with him. Showing him what kind of person he was using whatever is laying around the house... I found a key chain that Rikki had bought as a joke towards me... "Men are Idiots and I married their KING." I laughed and then cried when I found it. Because I was an idiot not to take EVERY opportunity to spend with her and to take care of her... And laughed because it was so her. The sarcasm and hilarity that was the Vaughan household was something to behold. We had been dating and lived together for so long, we knew each other inside and out and what the other was thinking before they said it. I think I'm going to put that in Madison's Scrapbook about her mother and explain it. There are so many things I want Madison to know about her mother... It will take me 18 years to get them all out... So I guess its good she is only 9 months huh? Oh, the roller coaster of grief! I'm going up this weekend to Western Carolina University where we both graduated. Her sorority chapter is having their 20th anniversary and wanted me to bring Madison so they could see her. I started going through pictures of us in college to send up to them to use in a slide presentation... Rikki was so beautiful! Fortunately, I talked with them yesterday... They are dedicated a memorial to Rikki and one other sister who passed away with breast cancer last year as well... Had they done that without me knowing it... I'm not sure I would have been able to make it through the evening!

It’s funny how people talk about fraternities and sororities and how they are buying their friends and all they do is party and everything else... Without my brothers and her sisters... I'm not sure I'd have made it through the first month without Rikki. I wish people could see that the REAL advantage of fraternities and sororities are not until you leave school and you have those brothers and sisters for life. Not saying there aren't advantages in school... but I've NOTICED it more once I was out of school.

Alpha Chi Omega – Together Let Us Seek the Heights

Pi Kappa Phi – Nothing Shall Ever Tear Us Asunder

Funny how we learned them in school and while we were active and we live them now that we are in the real world. I always wanted Rikki to be able to “pin” Madison… That can’t happen now, but one day I will get the “Mother’s Pin” and put it in either Madison’s scrap book or in Rikki’s AXO shadowbox… Who knows?

I know that was a tangent… but I have these thoughts sometimes and it helps to get them out… I’m thinking and praying for you all.

Chris

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I was watching Sex and The City the other day. Carie said, "I am so lonely. I am. The loneliness is palpable." That made me cry. I found this poem. It made me sad.

Summer Wind

The summer wind, came blowin' in - from across the sea

It lingered there, so warm and fair - to walk with me

All summer long, we sang a song - and strolled on golden sand

Two sweethearts, and the summer wind

Like painted kites, those days and nights - went flyin' by

The world was new, beneath a blue - umbrella sky

Then softer than, a piper man - one day it called to you

And I lost you, to the summer wind

The autumn wind, and the winter wind - have come and gone

And still the days, those lonely days - go on and on

And guess who sighs his lullabies - through nights that never end

My fickle friend, the summer wind

mb

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Chris,

Well, I'm glad I can put a smile on your face, I know it's hard sometimes. I let a lot of stuff roll off my back when Brad died, then it got to the point where so many people knew what was better for me and what I needed to be doing that I think I snapped. I have always been good at being a smart alleck, it just seems to come out way more bluntly now. I felt bad about some of the remarks I made at first, but I don't think some of these people realize what diarrhea comes out of their mouths half the time.

I wanted to ask you too, you said you worked with special education kids. I have a little boy, Zack, who I think is autistic, but I'm not sure and his parents don't understand why he only responds to me. He repeats everything I say, but otherwise doesn't talk much. He's adorable and I feel so bad for him because the other daycare teachers just get irritated at him.

Regi pierced her own lip, again. The first time Brad told her to take it out and that she was stupid. I'm just done beating my head against the wall. She'll find out the hard way when she gets and infection.

I found my next shirt today "Cute, but psycho." That about sums it up I guess. I never really thought I was cute, but hey, it'll keep stupid people away. I did however get a shirt a few weeks ago that said "If I throw a stick will you leave?" I really can't help it, it's the type of mood I've been in lately. My other favorite two are "your mom pays me to be nice to you" and "people like you are the reason people like me need medication." I'm quite fond of them because I don't have to speak when it comes to stupid questions and comments.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I bought journals the other day from walmart for 75 cents a piece and decided to write down every detail I can remember of Brad. We wrote letters to each other while we were dating and I kept all of them. I was blessed to have at least 17 months with him and Brady, so I have lots of pictures of Brad and Brady together. I have thought about scrapbooking too, so it's funny you said that Chris. I forgot to type that in the last post, so I thought I'd stop being so blonde for a moment and finish what I started.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
cvaughan598

Jen,

I like the shirts! I should make a shirt… Top Ten things not to say to someone grieving or something! I wish I had longer with Rikki and Madison, I only had two weeks, but they were two of the best weeks of my life… Sitting on the couch holding Madison and Rikki cuddled up under my other arm with “my girls”... So I will have to deal with that. Unfortunately because we did so much just the two of us, there aren’t many pictures OF the two of us. I think I’ve come up with about 8. The rest are of things we have done or of one or the other of us… Rarely both of us. But I’ll deal. Cracking blonde jokes on yourself Jen? Nice! I wouldn’t worry about it, I think it is something with what we are going through. I can’t remember what day it is half the time. Lord knows I can’t keep a steady train of thought anymore… I mean EVER. If I’m doing one thing, then I am thinking about something else.

As for little Zack… He needs to be tested before anything can determined for certain. His parents may be able to get him tested privately or with local organizations that work with special education students. May even try a local university’s Special Education program. I’m not sure how things work where you are. I’d have to know more about how he acts in and around the home and with any and everyone else before I could say I think he was autistic… You could, but you see him everyday.

WHERE IS EVERYONE? Just wanted to let everyone know that I was thinking of them and praying for you all. Maybe it’s a generation or age thing or something… Jen and I deal with things with lots and lots of sarcasm… I’m tired of crying. With my allergies and that, I can barely see sometimes. Just wanted to see how everyone is doing. I know Rikki has been with me. My radio went on the blink last night and started making all kinds of weird sounds and noises… So I know she is there. I guess that has me feeling a little better. Madison turns nine months tomorrow so I know it will be difficult. She is starting to stand, balance, pull up, crawl, and even feed herself… So it is a fun time for me as a father, but a miserable one as a husband. I’m just trying to make it one day at a time. That is the best that I can do. I’m seriously considering selling my house, but I don’t think I could get financing for another by myself… My credit alone isn’t good enough. My in-laws won’t even COME IN the house because it was Rikki’s house. I don’t want to leave it, but I’m struggling to keep it clean and take care of it because it is so big. Especially since it is just Madison and me. I’m trying not to make too many decisions without thinking them all the way through, but this one is kind of eating at me… Because if I can get financing for a smaller house, then I can lower my mortgage payments… But Rikki and I wanted to raise Madison in this house and in the location that it is in! I’m just struggling with what to do on this one!

Thoughts and prayers,

Chris

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
computermemaw2

Chris and Jen, you two have really made an impression on me. You don't have to be in your 50's to have become as mature and present minded as you each are. I check in daily just to see how you both are doing, and I check in on Laura, too. I don't always post because it seems I'm always having a bad time and sometimes I just get so tired of feeling so bad I don't want to bring the other folks down further. I can usually get through the day, but can begin to feel the dread of going home just as soon as I leave work. I am so tired of crying, but a lot of the times I don't even realize I'm crying until I realize my cheeks are wet. I think it's just really been hitting home that Eddy isn't coming back, and try as I might, I still can't shake listening for the garage door to open so I'd know he was coming home from work. It almost doesn't seem real, but at the same time, I know it is. It's just going to take time. Anyways, when I read your posts, I think to myself "you guys are going to do okay. You've got good heads on your shoulders and you fight like momma tigers when it comes to protecting your babies." I wish I could put my arms around you and give you each hugs to let you know others are praying for you too. When I read how each of you are bucking up, it makes me straighten my back a little too. The shirt sayings I absolutely love! Hang in there. Gayle

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello Everyone,Jen and Chris,

This is an absolutely crazy week for me as my kids are on spring break, My oldest son runs tract....sprained his ankle last week and had him in the sports clinic and my 15 year old son plays on two baseball teams and today I got an emergency call that he hurt his shoulder so I had him in the sports clinic (clavicle muscle strain)... so it has been crazy . Plus, my computers is messed up. My kids are all hormonal right now.......and as much of a blessing to me, sometimes I just need to get away! Chris, I know what you mean about not being able to focus...I think that comes with grieving but also parenting as we have so much to worry about with so many responsibilities....You sound good and I think Madison is putting a sparkle back in your eyes...although, I know the pain of loosing Rikki with always be with you. I know what you mean about the pillow...I sleep on my husbands side of the bed and I wear his clothes sometimes...my daughter sleeps with me as that is where she feels more secure and that is o.k. She will be 13. She is her father thru and thru...she has he looks, personality and name....WOW! My gift from him! My husband was so proud to have his children and loved them all equally...he was extremely athletic and was thrilled to coach them and watch them grow....he often kidded me and said he married me so we could have athletes...I am 5'10"....he wanted big boys...Our oldest is 6'3" and still growing and off to play football in the fall and our 15 y.o. is about 6'1" and is going to be bigger...both are handsome as all get out so I am told. Jen, you sound like you are doing better, not to say you aren't struggling day by day. I am glad you and Chris are posting as you both have alot in common.

As for me, it is still very hard. I think of my husband just about every moment of everyday...I am busy but he is always in my thoughts. My therapist had been gone for 5 weeks so that was hard and then when we had our first appt. she had to end it half way thru as she was sick and then today I had to leave as my son needed my to get him with the shoulder....I am very low on energy and just can't get thru things like I did before...I tire so easy but that isn't to say I sit around all day cause I don't...I had to leave the mall a couple days ago cause I started to cry, today in the dr.'s office I started to cry, I cry alot when I am driving. I wake thru the night alot so I wake up tired and tired thru the day......I have a physical next week so we will see? I'm sure they will want to load me up with drugs...No can do!

Sillygirl and Joyce, I think of you guys all the time and I hope you both doing well. I know it isn't easy for any one of us. I am approaching my husbands one year anniversary so I think that is weighing heavy on my heart.....I NEVER thought I could live without him for one week let alone one year....I can't believe it! I don't know how or where my life will unfold and play out but I guess I never did......it really isn't in our hands....never was! I am just so tired.

Please know you are all in my heart and I think of you all.......we are a family!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Chris,

The making the own shirt idea, yeah, that'd probably get me in trouble cause I don't think I'd hold back. Regi got mad today because my sister-in-law yelled at her for piercing her own lip. Well, Regi's comment was it was her body and she thought it was f'd up, she has an awful mouth on her, that people have such a problem with it. I just looked at her and told her "actually, technically, it's not YOUR body til your 18." She got pissed and stormed off. My latest thing has been asking people "are you smoking crack?" when they do something stupid. I think I offended Aimee the other day, because she kind of got rude and said "And what if I am?". I said "Really? Can I borrow some?" I really don't know what's wrong with me, but not many people say yes, they just look at me like I'm crazy. Probably not too far off.

Regi tried to pick up a 50+ pound safe and about dropped it on her foot after I told her it was too heavy cause she wanted to be superwoman or something. Then she turned to me and said, yeah, it was too heavy. HERE'S YOUR SIGN. I'm telling you, if people would just wear "I'M STUPID" I'd have an easier time. Do you suppose I could just assume I'd be with someone stupid all the time and make it easier on them and wear "I'm with stupid"?

Tiffany at work was talking to me today. We were on the playground and she said her mom married this guy who had been widowed after 20 years of marriage and she'd been gone for 2 years and proceeded to tell me that she thought that after a certain amount of time everyone should just move on. I'm pretty sure I gave her a dirty look cause she immediately asked how long Brad had been gone and I told her 5 months tomorrow. She said oh and that must be hard and I probably couldn't deal with it. I told her I probably wouldn't be dealing with it if it wasn't for Brady and she just looked at me and dropped the subject. I'm betting that there will be a rumor at work tomorrow that I'm suicidal. Better find a shirt....

Laura, yes I've had a much better week. I went to the cemetary earlier this week and sat and talked to him. I think I have finally made up my mind to move back with Mom, it's just a matter of when and how to tell everyone. I guess I just kept worrying what Brad would think because he hated Louisiana. I just feel like I'm a little more sane, not that I have much sanity right now, when I'm with Mom and my friends. I didn't feel so overwhelmed that I couldn't breathe when I was with them. Mom and my step dad even watched Brady for a few hours so I could actually have some me time with old friends. I think bottom line is I feel loved there and they were so much more supportive. I'll never feel the love Brad and I shared ever again, but I still need to know that I'm loved because Brad told me every day, every phone call, every night before bed, that he loved me.

Chris, the house thing, I'm struggling with the same thing, just with my car. We bought a Durango a month before he died because he had actually told me he wanted another baby, so I told him we had to have a bigger car. Well, now I have a 500 dollar car payment and I keep saying I dont need a car so big, but it was also the last thing Brad and I bought together. Lose, lose situation for me cause I beat myself up about everything. Just so you know, I always crack blonde jokes on myself. If you can't make fun of yourself, there isn't anyone you can make fun of. Lately, as much as I can't remember one day to the next sometimes, it comes pretty easily. I lose my keys every morning. The other day I put them in my purse so I'd remember them and I spent almost an hour the next morning trying to find them. I just don't know anymore. The only thing I know is if I'm not busy, I'm spending every second thinking about not having him around and that hurts something awful. I have quite a few pictures of me and Brad, my favorite is the one my friend took of the three of us in the hospital. I remember his birth just like it was yesterday, then I remember how worried Brad was when I started crying when they told me the problems I was having during labor. I started crying, then he started crying and when brady was finally here, I'd never seen him more proud. I was looking at photos of brady from day one and I can't believe the little man he's turned into. He looks more like daddy everday. The picture I used for the necklace, he looked at it and said dad, and that's all it took for the tears. He remembers, I just worry he'll forget too soon.

I hope everyone is dealing the best they can. I know when it rains it pours and we all pray for that ray of sunshine. You guys are all stronger than you'll ever know because it takes a whole lot of something to get through each and every passing day. Like I tell Brad at night: "Forever in my heart, always on my mind."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
cvaughan598

Okay, Where do I begin today… First, Madison is 9 months old today. She is getting so big. I’m sure in two weeks I’ll be miserable but maybe not so much as I’ve had signs of Rikki being around the last few days. Besides that, when Madison sees Rikki’s pictures she gets a huge grin on her face and tries to get to them. So Rikki has apparently made her presence known to Madison as well. I’m waiting for the picture of Madison to come back with a bright spot or a cloud behind her!

LAURA, I don’t think ME wearing Rikki’s clothes would be such a good idea… Heres a visual for a good laugh… I played Offensive Line in HS! I’m 6’2” and weigh over 250… Rikki was a petite 5’2” and smaller… I might be able to get away with maternity clothes, but I don’t think I’d get one of her shirts over ONE of my arms! Picture the typical race redneck with the tight cutoff shorts, and tight shirt that doesn’t cover his beergut! I can make those cracks because I’m a race fan… Still a funny thought! As for the not being able to focus, I think parenting, TEACHING, then throw in the fact I’m really random anyway… I think they missed diagnosing me with ADD!

JEN, I think we should get together and make the shirt… Between the two of us, we should be able to come up with a few good ones and edit the REALLY GOOD ones! Is that mean? I can’t say I care! As for the car thing… Been there too… We leased TWO new vehicles so we both had a safe vehicle for toting Madison around in. A Pacifica for her and a PT Cruiser for me. I always got her exactly what she wanted… Both had payments over 500 a month. When she passed and the mortgage took up most of my paycheck, I had to turn them back in… I now have two voluntary repos on my credit… Exactly why I can’t leave my house and will NOT be able to get financing for another one… Not that I want to leave my house because I like it there. Sounds like Regi is being the typical rebellious teenager. If it helps I told my grandfather that I could lift a 3000lbs. boat by the trailer tongue when I was 14! At least your friend on the playground got the point and dropped it.

Gayle… We are here and able to be strong because of people here like you and Laura and others who are showing us how to live through this. I know I had lost grandparents and others that I loved very much but never anything so close to home… MY HOME.

I still hurt but I’ve made a decision in my life. If I live my life miserable knowing how much I miss Rikki then I will miss what is important in my life. I’m all Madison has, she will never get to know her mother and as sad as it makes me, there is nothing I can do about that. I’m sure I’ll still have my down times, but it was always me being a knucklehead that made Rikki laugh when she was here, I’m sure she can laugh at me there too! Madison had her 9 month checkup on Wednesday… She had a shot and got her poor little toe pricked. My brother was there with me and she really likes him. But after the shot I was talking with the doctor and he said he would have to suffice for right now and picked her up. She was balling her eyes out… Real alligator tears and all! When I finished I walked back over and she all but dove into my arms and put her head on my shoulder and grabbed the back of my shirt and was quiet. Nah, she isn’t just a little spoiled and just a LITTLE bit of a daddies girl! My family laughs at me and says it isn’t any different whether Rikki was with us or not… They said Rikki would be telling me to let her alone. I laugh and them and tell them to call me Mr. Mom… Because she reacts to me the way most babies do to their mothers.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all… I hope this post has at least brought a grin to your face… Lord knows writing it did. Memories and things that I thought about saying but was afraid they would delete my post!

Chris

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

CHRIS,

Thanks for the laugh....no, no, no, please don't put Rikki's clothes on...lol. Madison sounds so cute and I know she is the love of your life...What a gift! I know you are doing a good job Mr. MOM...now, remember your suppose to have that big ole housed cleaned, the laundry done, groceries, dinner on the table...and oh ya, now that the weather how broken...cut the grass....lol! Give Madison a big hug for me on her birthday.

Jen, I think it souds like a great idea for you to go back with your family if that is where you get the most support....Also, I try not to put myself in any situation where people are rude to me...I don't give them the chance but then again there was that neighbor who came into my backyard...all you can do sometimes is be honest...Hang in there and everything will work out.

To everyone else here take one day at a time, one thing at a time, one breathe at a time. Today I worked my fingers to the bone in my yard and it kept my mind busy but I did have my moments. Like my son driving his dads car after I just got it out of the garage and fixed and my other son had a picture of him and his dad on his cell phone....I can cry at every little thing that happens....I worry about the house and bills too you guys....isn't there something in the bible that says, worry about today because tomorrow has enough worries of it's own. God comforts those who mourn and he will not abandon us. When I close my eyes I always see my husbands face...I cry cause I just want him back but I know I can't have him...it's a slow torture....you all hang in there and we'll talk tomorrow. Peace.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Chris, I don't think it's mean at all about the shirt thing. I think it's a great idea. In fact, maybe the top 10 will answer all the stupid questions all these idiots ask. I'm sorry about the car repos, that's one of the only options they gave me with the durango, they said if I just traded it in I'd end up paying the same amount a month because of the negative equity from our truck we traded in. I don't know, lose, lose situation. I don't own anything but the car, so I need my credit if I want to qualify for a house anytime in the near future. That's why I think I need to go back home too. Out here you can't touch a house for less than 250K. In Louisiana, there are beautiful houses for more than half that. Plus mom and friends. It's looking better to me everyday.

Laura, I am completely there with you and trying to avoid uncomfortable situations. For me, though, the only way to do that is hide in my house all day and I can't do that. If I'm not busy or working, all I do is think about him being gone. Brad knew so many people around here and I can't go anywhere without someone asking. It's funny how people seem to think it's okay to ask such personal questions.

To Everyone, I hope everyone is as okay as can be. This road seems so long and lonely and without everyone's support here, it would be so much more lonely and that much harder. I'm grateful for finding this website. The past five months have been a huge struggle, to say the least.

Jen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
cvaughan598

LAURA, Yeah, the clothes are clean and I manage to get one floor done a week. And that is with help from my babysitter who happens to be one of my wife's sorority sisters and helps me more than I could ever imagine! Speaking of sorority sisters... I went to the mountains this weekend for the 20th anniversary celebration of their chapter and they did a whole memory type thing a did a whole memorial plaque that is going in their new house and everything. They asked me to speak and I broke down while talking about her... In front of 100 college age and grown women! What a manly man I am! I'm kidding, because they have helped me more in the last 9 months than I ever could have asked for. It was a beautiful ceremony and everything. I love being up there and would go back there in a heartbeat if I wouldn't be away from my family. But then again, with Alpha Chi and Pi Kapp up there I guess I would have family there wouldn't I? I would move away from blood relatives to do that. I didn't want to leave there yesterday. It feels like home. I don't know if it is because that is where Rikki and I spent 5 of our 8 years together and there are SO many good memories that I just want to be there or that I'm running from here or what... I think that is the only place I could move away from this area and be happy! Anyway, hope you all had as good of weekends as you could. I'm going to be getting ready for the whole 9 months without Rikki here in a few days so I probably won't be posting as much... Doing more reflection and writing in my journal... And scrapbooking! I found a full Poker Table and chairs for $100 and I'm using that as my crafts center for my scrapbooking and for Madison when she gets older... And poker when I have poker nights... But that is a different story!

My thoughts and prayers are with you all!

Chris

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.