I Miss Him So...

[hmtod73]

missing curtis, i am responding to the christmas card question. for years and years my mom sent out about 200 card with long letters in them. some people thought her letters were silly. most people looked forward to the card and letter. my mom died in feb 2004. so it was close to a year that she was gone when christmas came around. i asked my dad what he wanted to do about sending cards (he is not that ambisious) i told him i would help to address them. so, it was a joint effort and he decided to send cards to the people that sent us cards the year before. and he sent cards to people that were involved with the care of my mom. i asked if i could write a SHORT letter just to tell people how things were going and dad agreed. the following year, 2005, dad did the cards on his own with NO letter. (not surprised) not sure how he will do things this year. i guess the point of my long crazy story is that i think you should send cards to people with a brief note or letter. i think it is ok to do that. let people know that you moved.....sometimes christmas cards are the only time/way that people communicate with those far, far away. plus, it may be nice for you to get some extra cards sent to you this year. hope this helped you out. heather

[mishknit]

Darlene..good to see you here....

i know exactly how you feel..and we are so close in time..tom died on jan 21, that i think perhaps it's normal for now? I hope?

It's harder with the holidays anyways, and then we have the year to look forward to....ugh!

I'm thinking we're doing ok...going back to bed..I've done it a few times. After i drive barney to school i TRY MY BEST to go to the gym, then going back to bed isn't an option,since I'm up and energized. But working? I am so far behind, and have so little interest....i have a huge wedding this weekend, and then I'm through until January..i'm grateful for that. I need the space the rest of the holiday time;.

I'm going to address the Christams letter too...

I have never sent one, but am thinking about it this year. to let those who love us know what's going on, and, a little bit, to let those who haven't called us know what's going on...is that bad? LOL I'm not sure about that. Every year we made our own Christams CD....a bunch of songs, my son did the art work on the cover, and sent it to friends and family. We were trying to decide if we are up for it this year....i think we are, but had better get a move on. Tom collected christmas music..any kind..loved the really bad stuff too. We have BOXES of CD's to go thru and pick some good ones out. We also have talented friends..and every year we'd put a song on by a friend..a little surprise. Tom was an incredibly talented singer too...and this year I'm going to put 3 songs on by him...2 he did with other people, one he wrote and did alone. It will be hard, but it will be right. And, since i'm not sure the tradition will last past this year...it needs to be done.

Huge sighs....

this is a hard season forus all to get thru, and i wish us all peace. I'm thinking of using hope and peace as the theme of the cd..we always theme it. we have used peace before, but surely can use it again as war rages on, and as peace is so needed in our lives too.

Meanwhile...a political, non=partisan comment...we are grieving, but we are still citizens...REMEMBER to VOTe tomorrow!

Michele

[mishknit]

oh..and i have a playlist too...

one night i sat at the computer and between songs i found hre and songs i had i made rthe 2 saddest damn cds in the world!!! I love them.....they're actually very helpful. Some are just sad songs, some that have special meaning to me and tom (our first dance at our wedding, first song he ever sang to me, etc).

I think it's healthy to have them. There are times i am so depressed and know i just needa cry, and the music will kickstart me into a good jag. And other times, they're just comforting.

Anyway, I'm gonna write them out and i'll post them too....not a lot of country on them, but i do have that "One more day" diamond rio song..a goodone!

peace, michele

[airymoon]

missingcurtis-- I think if you want to send the cards then send them. I'm sure his friends would like to know how your doing. By the way I also have thae pennies poem. It gave my daughter alot of comfort. After we read it we started finding pennies everywhere. Another good poem is called "God I Hurt". I'll post it so you all can read it. I had it read at my hubby's funeral and it made the minister, who was also a childhood friend of his, cry.

angel---How lucky you are to have a husband who will listen about your late husband and your feelings. He must truly be sent from Heaven. It sounds like he knows he has also married your past including Mark when he married you. I don't want to overstep, but do you believe Mark could have guided this man to you or you to him? I think our loved ones have a guiding force in our lives. They know us better than any other person.

Lauraa---I am so sorry that you had such a terrible 6 months! They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle but he sure does push the limits sometimes.

Darleneandhunter------Maybe you should have a small cake for your husband's birthday. Your son is obviously thinking about it and sometimes the simplest ideas are the best ones. Out of the mouths and minds of babes and all that. My daughter wanted to do a pumpkin for her dad. I wasn't sure but it actually made us feel closer to him, it was like acknowledging that he did exist and even though he is not here physically he is in our hearts and thoughts. I know the going back to bed thing too. I don't work on fridays so after my kids get off to school I go back up to my bed and curl up in the covers. I had always done this on the rare days I had to myself before my husband died. The difference is, now my little nap lasts all day and I find myself getting up and dressing just before my kids come home. I was really stressing over it until my son reminded me that i get up and function during the rest of the week and maybe my mind and body just need catch up time. How did he get so smart?!? I guess sometimes they can look at things from an outside view. I am going to talk to my doctor about switching my anti depression meds. Some work better than others and I may not be taking the best one for me.

As I've said before we are NOT doing a thanksgiving dinner. We are going to go to an indoor water park and just try to have fun and some downtime. I know it will be hard and strange but I think the thing that helps us the most is that we always talk to each other about Kurt. How we miss him what he would think of certain things etc. It really takes the pressure off of trying to be strong for everybody.

This was a rough weekend for me. My aunt passed away on Friday. She happened to be the aunt my husband always teased. If I saw her and he wasn't wiht me she would always ask about him. If he was with me she would give it to him as good as he gave it to her. The funeral was today and I thought I would be a basket case but I made it through the whole thing. After the funeral I had to get out of there though and just drove. I was ok until I read the poem inside her death notice. It was the exact same one my husband had in his. I drove to an empty country road by a big woods and cried and screamed until my voice was hoarse. Hearing the echoes made it feel like someone was sharing my pain even though I knew they were echoes. The poem is called I'm Free. My husband and I had a winter tradition the first big snow of the year we would build a fire in the fireplace and he would take the kids out sledding while I set up hot chocolate and cookies. Then I would meet them for about 20 minutes and we would all go in for treats. After the kids went to bed we would just snuggle by the fire until he fell asleep. The thing is our fireplace smokes into the house if the wind is coming from the North and is very strong. I haven't even been able to light the fire yet even though my kids have asked me too. I guess my point is Our husbands are gone and we can't deny that. The lives we had with them are over but not forgotten.They are different now but still our lives. I don't want to stop doing the things we did before because those things are a way of making sure my kids know what kind of aperson their dad was. I just have to remind myself that these things will be different now and maybe not good. We will have to adjust and move on slowly and heavily. BTW, my 18 yr old told me he didn't know if he really missed his dad. When I tried to get him to explain he couldn't. I told him if he really meant he might not miss his dad than that was the meanest thing he could ever say. After much crying and yelling he finally explained that he feels like he misses his dad but when he sees me crying and the other kids crying and he isn't crying, than he thinks that he is not missing him and something is wrong with him because he isn't crying and he should be. He has felt like this and struggled with it for 4 months. I guess I just want to say talk to your kids but make sure they understand that everyone reacts to grief and missing someone differently. My son really thought he was unfeeling because he rarely cries for his dad. He never cried even as a small child. It also was a shock to me that he couldn't pinpointhis feelings. We are definately getting help in this area.

sorry for the book just extra needy today i guess

becky

[airymoon]

I'm baaaaack!lol I found these poems helpful They help me understand that God knows the pain we have and If your loved one was suffering he is free now. The letter from heaven is just like something my husband would write to me if he could.

LETTER FROM HEAVEN

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say.

But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.

I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God

above. Here, there's no more tears of sadness; Here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.

Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was

through. God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you.

It's good to have you back again, you were missed while

you were gone. As for your dearest family, They'll be here later on.

There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man."

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to

do. And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.

And when you lie in bed at night the day's chores put to

flight. God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving

years. Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry: it does relieve the pain. Remember

there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.

If I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.

But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is

o'er. I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to

climb; But together we can do it by taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too;

That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain;

Then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."

And now I am contented....that my life was worthwhile.

Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low;

Just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.

When you're walking down the street and you've got Me on

your mind; I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go....from that body to be

free. Remember you're not going.....you're coming here to Me.

Richard

I'M FREE

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free

I'm following the path God laid for me.

I took His hand when I heard him call;

I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way;

I found that place at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared a laugh, a kiss;

Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I savored much;

Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.

Perhaps my time seems all to brief;

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me,

God wanted me now, He set me free.

Author: Linda Jo JacksonAnd God Said....

I said, "God, I hurt."

And God said, I know."

I said, "God, I cry a lot."

And God said, "That is why I gave you tears."

I said, "God, I am so depressed."

And God said, "That is why I gave you Sunshine."

I said, "God, life is so hard."

And God said, "That is why I gave you loved ones."

I said, "God, my loved one died."

And God said, "So did mine."

I said, "God, it is such a loss."

And God said, I saw mine nailed to a cross."

I said, "God, but your loved one lives."

And God said, "So does yours."

I said, "God, where are they now?"

And God said, "Mine is on My right and yours is in the Light."

I said, "God, it hurts."

And God said, I know."

~ Posted on the wall at the Oklahoma City bombing site.

by K. C. and Myke Kuzmic

maybe we could all give the stat we live in ? I would love to know how close you are to me

[mishknit]

hey becky..

thanks for the poems..they were great..i have a couple i'll go look up and post soon.

nice post too...we all grieve in different ways..glad you got your son to see that.

If we're posting states...I live in california, southern, LA area.

tonight my son was so loaded with homework that i did some for him. Do I feel bad? NO. It was a ridiculous amount, and i only did net research for him. What are these people thinking? some nights he has nothing...then it's overload, all due the next day. ridiculous! Next Monday night he starts therapy..if he has this kind of homework, screw it...it won't get done, and hang them all. His favorite restaurant is across the street from his new, and hopefully good, therapist..i plan on taking him for a treat, because I'm sure it will be hard on him. There will be very little time for homework that night!

goodnight all,

michele

[justamom]

Hi everybody, I have been rading all of the posts and I just thought that I would weigh in on a few. I too am approaching the 1 year mark and the sameday will be my sons 10th birthday (Jan 15th). we have been talking about what to do and how to handle all of it. No definite plans yet. Halloween was hard - I cried all the way home from trick or treating and the majority of the next day. My youngest sons birthday was this weekend. we had 2 huge parties. My kids were a little over indulged before, and then their dad died!HAHA It was harder on me than on him. We all missed his dad but it was very obvious to me that he wasn't here helping me get ready, buying presents, making goody bags or cleaning up afterward. My son had a great time though and that was all that mattered to me. As far as the next few holidays go we are going to Thanksgiving at my sisters. I have alot to be thankful for this year and I keep that in the front of my mind. My husband is gone and that is horrible but the fact that I get to sit at the table with my boys and my family is amazing to me. I am Thankful. I am planning on doing Christmas cards I am going to have our pictures taken for gifts for the grannys as well so i thought that I would put a photo in the cards as well. I have never done a letter before but I may this year just so people know that we are okay. My dad bought my boys this giant rock for the back yard that has a verse from "Here comes the son" (we had this played at the funeral)on it and I may have our pictures done there. Not sure about that yet. As sad as I am _I love the holidays. I love everything about them and I am going to try to hold on to that for me and my kids. I have to figure out how to get Christmas lights on my house though! My anniversary is New Years Eve. We would have been married 13 years. I am taking my whole family to Disney, California. Where better to be when your sad than the "Happiest place on earth?!" We'll see if it helps. My boys and my neice and nephew are really excited!. I have boys to get to school. Hope you all have a great day. I will definitly be voting in Colorado. Take care, Lisa

[lindat]

Good morning from sunny San Diego - I arrived last night. I left Dallas two days ago and stayed in Las Cruces NM on Sunday night. Aside from the lonely endless hours with nothing to do but think, dealing with motels alone is also depressing. I take tons of pictures so that I can feel like I am sharing with someone and also because it gives me something to think about besides the fact that he isn't here where he should be - and it does work for awhile. While I am driving, my mind goes over and over the last week that we had together and tries to figure out if there would have been a different outcome if we had only done this or said that, and then I just have to stop and realize again that it doesn't matter, nothing can be done. I cried less often on the trip this time around, the sadness seems to manifest with a knot in my stomach instead. It was particularly hard coming back here - this is where we met and fell in love more than 20 years ago. Perhaps it was because I was tired from driving, but I was sobbing all the way into town. That took me completely by surprise, because I was just here last spring and I thought I had dealt with all the memories and would be okay this time. Now I am not even unpacked and I want to leave. I know that I will settle in and things will become somewhat normal, but today I will go face all the places that will be painful for me and try to get a handle on it again. I know I should be thankful to be here with my mom - who is 80 and step dad who is 89 - and 3 of my children, but it is going to be a very rough holiday season. They all watch me out of the corner of their eyes, worried that I am going to be sad and not sure what to do when I am. Sooo, I will put on the smile and try to make great memories for the grandkids - but my heart is broken and it can't be fixed. No matter where I go, or what I do, I can't get away from that fact and sometimes it is just overwhelming. We are two and now I am one, how can that be???

By the way, when I left here for MI it was to pet-sit for my sister, unfortunately the dog died before I could get there. I was coming back to San Diego early for the holidays to pet-sit for a friend that helped fix my car when I was here last, and his dog died Sunday. I should count my blessings that they didn't die in my care, but it just seems weird.

I voted absentee in MS as I passed through.

[aprilmoonflower]

I took my kids to Disneyland last year for Thanksgiving. (our first without DH) I was highly dissapointed (don't know what I was thinking with a 20mo and 3mo!) I'm sure it will be great for your son though Lisa as he is much older! I had never been and was dissapointed MYSELF as it wasn't like I thought it would be AT ALL! the lines were long, everything was rediculously expensive and we only went on like 10 rides in the 3 days we were there! (I also drove over 18 hours alone with the kids) and very upset DH wasn't there with us. everything is hard. just take it a day at a time an hour at a time I guess!

linda- glad you are back (for now).. that is really weird about those dogs dying! weird coincidence or what???? I know what you mean about thinking too much while driving. I drive the car everyday that DH died in. it's really hard. not to mention the fact that I am just dumbfounded he died in my car! there was so little damage it is unreal to me!

[missinmyhubby]

Laura - You wrote in response to a post I put out back on October 23rd. I am sorry it took me two weeks to get around to writing back. Please don’t stop posting. Our newcomers need all the support they can get. I have two goals for coming on here. One, to help myself…to read the posts that help me feel like I was not crazy then, or now, for any of my feelings or thoughts. Two, to answer to those posts with some of my own experience…hoping that it helps others that, unfortunately, find their selves here. We will not ever get over our losses, but maybe we can be an inspiration to others on here. Have you and your children sought therapy? We did not receive any, as there was not any available to us where we lived. Please write anytime you need to talk…I will listen, cry for you, with you, and anything else you need.

Lisa - How is your story going? I like your idea. People have also told me that writing a “goodbye” letter to our loved ones might help. One from you and one that you think he would have written to you. Guess what.. I AM NOT WRITING A GOODBYE LETTER…as I am not willing to say goodbye…ever!!! But, your idea seems much nicer! J

Linda - It was nice to read your post regarding my feminine products…lol!! It was just another one of the awful experiences. Now, it seems kinda funny, but then it was just horrible. Thank you for congratulating me on my new marriage!!! How sweet of you!!! J Funny how your sister remarried a man with the same name. You are not going to believe this…My new hubby’s name is also Mark. How weird!!! I would not even talk to him at first due to his name being the same. Then when I did speak to him, I never said his name. It took almost nine months for me to say his name and not think of my husband when doing so. My new hubby knows the “name experience” I had, and thankfully we are able to smile about it now. It’s also funny how you wrote that she laughs over the times she has called the new hubby by the wrong name. We laugh about the same thing. One time we had just been talking about his ex-wife and two minutes later he called me by her name. He was so mortified, thinking I would be upset with him. I just smiled and said, “Honey, I just got lucky, I don’t get caught!!!” He smiled in return, probably mostly from relief that I didn’t bite his head off for it. I too feel fortunate for finding another love…we are very lucky people. What is the luckiest of all, is that they can handle the widow part! God bless you! Thank you for sharing. I just read a later post again from you on the 24th of last month…about the dream your sister had regarding her husband wanting to come back home. I have already spoken of the few dreams I have had on here. I never saw him, but my new hubby says that he saw him one day at our house. Not in a dream, but in spirit form. Now, I am not too sure I believe in this, but I don’t disbelieve either I guess. He told me that he had asked him to please take care of me and he was happy knowing I was going to be okay. He never got a chance to say anything, just a nod of his head and then he was gone. This happened pretty soon after I had moved in with him, maybe a month or so. He had not seen a picture of Mark as of yet, but described him to a tee…right down to his walk, which he never had heard about before. How do you not believe???? He said he has seen him one other time, but no words were exchanged.

Michele - You wrote about wanting to hear how I reconcile the two relationships. I have not forgotten to answer your questions…I just try to be careful. I am still in the learning process myself. I believe this is a “part” of what we go through, just a different level in the hole spectrum. I will elaborate more as time goes on, but let me start by saying one of the hardest things to overcome for me:

There were plenty of times in the beginning when I moved in with him that I was having my ups and downs quite often still. I figured it was normal and would just be that way forever, and also something that I just had to deal with internally. Some might ask if I thought I got involved to soon. Then, I would have said no, because I thought I would just feel the way I did forever, so when was too soon too soon? (When I say too soon, I don’t mean in time, I mean as in emotional) Now, I can say that I still don’t believe I got involved too soon. I believe my new hubby has been a godsend in helping me, and my children, find happiness again. Not that I don’t still have my moments, because Lord knows I do. Okay, back to one particular hard thing: The ups and downs…it seemed like I had started to find some happiness and the down times didn’t come as often, but…when they did come, it seemed like I was making up for the times I wasn’t down. The depression got bad!!!! I remember several times getting off of work and being very low. The first time I remember very vividly. I pulled up to my new life and sat in my car wondering just how am I suppose to go in and hug this man that I love now, when I can’t think past my grief for the man I will always love. He would want a hug and kiss hello and I just couldn’t muster up “that smile.” The one everyone on here has learned to give, or will learn to give if they haven‘t already. So, I didn’t go in. I sat and cried in my car for hours and wondered how am I suppose to do this? I thought he would ask why I was late, or why I didn’t come in, or why I drove off again. He never ever asked, never tried to make me feel better by saying he loved me (cause right then, I really didn’t want to hear it.) He just hugged me when I finally crawled into bed and pulled me near. He knew, but never said a word. I was so afraid he would think that I didn’t love him enough, couldn’t get past my husband dying enough to be with him yet, etc. The pressure was off a little for me. It was okay to feel my feelings and not be judged or anything else for them. Subsequent times after, I just sat and felt what I needed to feel without any added outside pressures. It would be two, three, maybe even four days until I was up again. Throughout them all, he never wavered in being silently understanding. Without that, I don’t think we would have lasted a day. I am forever thankful for his compassion and always knowing when to be quite and when not to be, then and now. I will write more later on the subject. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. If they make me cry, good, I think I need it. If they make me smile, then thank you ahead of time, I need those too. Take care gal.

Becky - You also wrote and said “thank you” to me for the kind words. You are most welcome!!! Maybe you and I should come up with a calendar without the month of June or August in it!!! And, we will name the days of the week differently as well. Hey, maybe we should all do this together!!! Obviously, our husbands did not die all in the same month or day of the week. Maybe it is silly, but maybe it will make us smile to make a new silly calendar just us on here would have a clue to.

Well, I have written a book now…I will get back on soon and answer the rest of the posts that were directed my way. Thank you all for listening!!! God Bless each and every one of you on here!!!

Angel

[missingcurtis]

Greetings from Northwest Oklahoma.........near the panhandle.

I have felt so much better since I had Curtis moved here. I drive out to the cemetery some mornings on the way to work even though it is out of my way. It is so peaceful out there. Our cemetery is on a sloping hillside and I even found out they have lights out there at night.

I have done genealogy for years but never really visited a cemetery at night. We have a gazebo out there and it is also lit at night. There is a map of where people own plots and benches to sit on. I still miss Curtis like crazy but have so much more peach with him being hear. I do not regret moving him.

I did call one of his nephews on Sunday who recently moved to Wichita, KS. I mentioned moving Curtis and his mother had not told him. I know his family does not care about me and that just reinforces the feeling.

I don't think any of us should feel bad or guilty if we fall in love again. I loved being married and being taken care of and having someone to spend my nights with. Maybe since we didn't have children, I miss him even more. But I would love to fall in love agaain. I may be nearly 57 but I have a lot of love left in me. :-)

One of his childhood friends keeps telling me that when the time is right, if it is meant to be, it will happen. I am still learning who I am. I married at age 19 and we were married 36 years and 3 weeks. I still have a lot of healing to do but I also thank God that I have gotten this far.

Betting get off of here and send off some e-mails. Hope everyone has a great week.

Debbie..................Missing Curtis..............

[mishknit]

First..to Debbie....i am so glad that you are so happy curtis is near you! I know I (and venture to guess that others thought it was the right thing to do, and it was. What a blessing

And April....I know it has to be hard at times..but..what a great guy you have! I love your answer, and hope that perhaps something like that may happen for me someday. Your now Mark sounds like a great man..., and I am so happy for you! keep posting about your relationship...maybe some stuff about the beginning as most of us aren't there yet and could use some insight into how it happaned. you'll know what to post and when... thank you so much.

My calendar would drop january altogether, satudays and the 21st of each month. Unfortunatly, my son's bday is sept 21, tom's was june 21 ,and he died jan 21...weird. And then my calendar would drop anything aftre jan 21 2006...and i would just keep reliving my life..kind of like" groundhog day" (one of my favorite movies ever)..until we got it exactly right.

I had an extremely bad evening tonite..i can't post about it until i digest it, but will soon. I had to send out some emails about it to friends, and want to wait for responses.....becasue that will be part of the whole picture.

goodnita all,

michele

oh, and Lisa..i live in los Angeles, love disneyland..but i have always been able to go on a tuesday in october when it wasn't crowded....that makes it a mich more pleasant ex[erience. In prime time...you just have to ahve a sense of humor and go with the flow..it's a great place..

[mishknit]

once again..

i am the worst typist...

but i bet you all know what i'm saying! LOl

michele

[manda14]

I would love to know how to go about looking for another relationship and the feelings that come with it. I am nowhere near this yet but it is always in my mind that one day it will happen. It kinda makes me sick to my stomach thinking about another man...loving another man...being intimate with another man.....

Anyway, I would love to hear about how you felt and how you put aside your feelings of your past husband...Also, what did you tell this new man???? Were you honest with him from the begining about your situation and your feelings?

Amanda

[kathy51]

My husband Stan died unexpectly June 7th jogging while on vacation.He was a very healthy man....and had no symptons of any disease..The autopsy report came back ..he died of sudden cardiac arrithmia (not spelled right)secondery to ischemic heart disease.Believe me..this is the biggest shock to me and my 2 grown children.He was only 51 years old.I just don't understand how some people have heart attacks and go have surgery and live a long time...my husband never got that chance.He never knew he was sick..He did everything right..never missed a yearly exam with the doctor...never had aclue..not even the doctor..whom said there was never any reason to question any health concerns..I just don't understand..I just know that these 5months have been hell on earth..I miss him so much and will love him forever....He was my best friend....

[rodless]

Hi Kathy, I lost my dad (who had just had a physical) and a friend (who ate right, was thin, did regular exercise etc.) to the same kind of heart attack your husband had. Just no reason or explanation except their hearts went out of rhythm. Very hard to understand. I am so sorry about your loss and pain. My husband died July 7 and I know exactly what you mean about missing your best friend.... my heart breaks a little more all the time. Day by day, sometimes minute by minute is the only way I get through and this time of year has to be about the worst. Take care! Mary Jo

[rodless]

Regarding the calendar....I think we better just change the names of the months and number the days backwards. I would drop November and July completely. My dad died the night before Thanksgiving and Rod was in the hospital 2 out of the last 4 Thanksgivings. I dread it worse than Christmas although I think the actual days of holidays aren't as bad as the hoopla leading into them. I am going to Kansas City with my kids and watch the lighting of the Crown Plaza. That will be new and different.

I am glad my kids are grown (no grandkids) this year as will make Christmas easier to deal with. Stepkids & grandkids are not a part of my life anymore but they were more of a pain than a pleasure anyway... always fighting over when to get together and competing for their dad's attention. Never in 13 years was there a holiday they got along. My kids are both involved in church work so they are never free on Christmas. Rod and I loved spending any holiday just by ourselves...oh well. Mary Jo

[airymoon]

my husband died june 19. The doctor said it was myocaridio-infarction. They said his heart went out of rythym and the emt's weren't able to get it back into rythym. He also had no symptoms and no clue.He had just been talking to a co-worker when he collapsed. The whole thing lasted about 30 seconds from the time he collapsed until he was gone. I think it is very unfair that others get a warning and some do not. Then I wonder if he did have awarning and we didn't realize it because we weren't in that frame of thought. He was only 43 and 4 days. I too would like to fall in love again. I miss being part of a couple but, the thought of opening myself up to someone and learning to trust again, not to mention letting them know all the flaws and junk scares the hell out of me. I guess if it is supposed to be it will and Maybe it won't seem so scary with the right person. I just realized that i asked where everyone lived but I didn't say where I lived. I'm in South West Michigan. night all

Becky

[justamom]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to post this poem that my sister wrote for me. I think it is beautiful.

See through drops of wine

Run down my perfect glass

I ask myself quietly

Why don't the good things last?

A perfect love between the two

A girl and boy so young

Of all the lyrics playing

A perfect song they sung.

He always loved the music

Different kinds, a different tune

Their lives the perfect melody

All gone, disappeared too soon.

She lives her life in memories

Her boys they live it too

All shades a constant reminder

The memories seem so few.

Now everything is different

The road that they had taken

So suddenly it ended

In happiness forsaken.

The killer hides in constant shadows

Of how it could have been

How happy the life of four

No truths will ever amend.

The lies are not uncommon

Among the guilty parts

Their truths are deeply hidden

Among there troubled hearts.

And in the end who pays the price

But not for she who cries

Her boys and her will always know

The music never lies.

Talk to you all soon, Lisa

[missinmyhubby]

Debbie - How is your new job going??? I envy you getting to be closer to Curtis…I think it is great you moved him!!

Michele - from your post back on October 25th….goodness I feel behind…lol. You were talking of your sister never getting remarried, being scared to get hurt again. That’s so sad. You are also correct about how great love can be. I too did not want to close myself off out of fear. Getting involved again was scary too. I dated a couple of guys before I started dating my new hubby…what jerks!!! One was pushy and wanted everything now…the hole ball of wax…move in, get married, help raise my kids….NO WAY!!! I was not ready to start dating at the time, but thought it would be nice to have a friend…WRONG!!! Then a couple of guys couldn’t handle friendships, they just wanted sex. HELLO..WHATEVER!!! The one I did get a little serious with was the biggest jerk of all. I had left from Nevada to return to flying, as I know my husband would not have wanted me to give that up. He was a super supporter in all aspects of my career and would brag about me to whomever would listen…lol. I had taken some time off and it was time for me to get back in the plane. So, here I was a year later trying to take the first of many baby steps along this journey back to the living (that’s what I call it, as I felt like I had died with my husband). Anyway, I moved to Mississippi for a job. I left my two older children with my mother in Nevada, since it was summertime and they wanted to say goodbye to everyone there. I thought it a good idea since I was not sure how this would all pan out. First time out on my own again after a year and my husband would not be there. What if I got there and just couldn’t handle it yet? Then the kids and I would have no way to return back to Nevada to my mother. I said I would take that time to see if I could handle it, make sure I liked the company and they liked me, find us a house and get the children enrolled in school. I did take my baby with me, as she could not handle the separation yet. It was probably the best way, it seemed to be what everyone wanted, and having the baby with me still gave me something to do with myself when I wasn’t at work. I know that might sound awful, but if I had left her in Nevada with my mother, I would have had too much time on my hands…hopefully, you understand what I am trying to say. If truth be told, I don’t think I could have handled the loneliness. She is my cuddle bug. Okay, so with my kids in Nevada I was constantly worried about how they were fairing. About two months after starting my job, I drove in one day, with the jerk, and there was a Sheriff’s car at our front door. When I saw this, my heart sunk and I got very panicky. The first thing I thought was that something had happened to one of my kids!!! I did not want to drive any closer…I did not want the bad news…I couldn’t cope as it was. The jerk asked me if I was okay and I shared my feelings. This is when he became the jerk, as he just looked at me and said, “You have to get over it.” Well, I am sure each and everyone of you on here can imagine what I told him. Whatever was going on between us, it was over, plain and simple…done….buhbye!!! As it turned out, the Sheriff was there to simply inquire about starting flight lessons at our facility…whewwwwwwwwwww. At least I could breathe a little easier. So, the point is…I did not have an easy time with the male gender. They couldn’t compare or measure up…and probably never would. Then, it just happened….with a friend of mine…my new hubby.

Okay…enough hogging the page for the second night in a row. God Bless!

Angel

P.S. - As for the calendars...I agree with you Mary Jo, let's change the name of the months we hate!!! For August, I will think of a new name. Today has been three years and three months exactly since I have seen my Mark. The last time I felt his touch..... :('''''' I still miss him like it was yesterday...

[aprilmoonflower]

Kathy- I know what you mean that it's just so odd how someone can just be gone in an instant. With my DH he probably lived 5-10 min max. (he was knocked unconsious though from what I understand, though wasn't discovered for 5+ hours) I think we really just have to comfort ourselves that they did not suffer..I think that is the best way to go..however sad it may be for everyone left behind. sometimes it's just better that way and I have to beleive everything happens for a reason..whatever that may be. everything seems so senseless at times though..especially in the beginning.

Lisa- awesome poem! Your sister is so talented with words..

as for relationships. I definitly will remain celebate and single for a LONG time. I've had it with men for now. (DH was my 2nd husband) with one divorce and one death (and raising the kids alone now) I just don't think I could possibly have the energy for another man anytime soon. And marriage is definitly out of the question for a LONG LONG time! I also really have no desire to be with anyone. I love my solitude. I like my life as weird as that sounds (I obviously wish DH was here) but otherwise I am pretty comfortable with things how they are for the time being. Odd, but true!

[darleneandhunter]

So.....

I was supposed to go to the doctor's today, but on my way there I called to confirm the time, and it turns out it's TOMORROW.

I decided to do a little holiday shopping. At least, that was my intention. I turned into Walmart, since it was nearest to where I was at that point. I pulled into a parking spot. It was raining. The song, "You Save Me" by Kenney Chesney came on. I sat and listened to it. The rain got harder. I started to shake and cry. Knowing that I pulled in expressly to get some holiday shopping done, I said out loud, "I can't do this, I just can't do this...."

I cleaned up my face and went in anyway. I was determined to get something done. I bought a few small things. None of them for Hunter, just some things that I knew if I bought with him around, he couldn't keep a secret...lol. A watch for my friend Janet, and a couple of small pre packaged gifty things for her niece. I think I spent 20 bucks. It's not much, but it's a start.

I just hate doing all this stuff by myself. I mean, when Mark was alive, the holidays were fun. It was such a challenge buying for him that it was frustrating at times, but still fun. If I managed to surprize him, the expressions from him were priceless.

Mark and I always enjoyed shopping for people. He always said the holidays weren't about buying practical gifts, and he would often find some kind of funky gag gift for someone. He really enjoyed buying toys though.

This keeps getting harder and harder.....

[Guest Guest]

Hello all. I'm new to this group. I joined after reading some of the posts from others who lost their husbands suddenly. Mine died on August 6, just a little over three months ago from a massive heart attack. We knew each other for two years before we were married 32 years ago. He was my best friend. My grief now seems worse than when it initially happened. I think the shock keeps you going at first. That and all the friends and family around. Now that it's had time to settle in, the realization that he's really gone is hitting me. In reading dareleneandhunter's post about getting through a shopping trip or a song, I can truly empathize with her. Some days I can't get through either and I haven't thought about the holidays too much. Some times I feel like he's still here, you know. And other times it's like he never was. It's so surreal. I'll be doing something or talking to someone and I'll think to myself, 'I have to remember to tell Bernie about this.' And then I realize he's not here to tell anymore. I cry every day. It doesn't matter when or where, I can't help the tears.

But I know I'll get through this. I have my kids and my beautiful grandson to see me through. On a lighter note, my grandson, Gabriel, who is five years old, knows how sad I've been and he asked me one time, "MeeMaw are you sad cause of Pap?" And I told him that I was. He just patted me on the back and told me that, "Me and Mama are going to California, Meems, and we're going to get you a new boyfriend so you won't be so bad." I laughed. He said he was going to go to New York but mama told him New York was too far, so he decided they'd go to California. (We live in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania) How simple it all is for a child -- just go get a new one!!!

Bye to all for now. Thanks for the shoulder.

Mrs. Bern

[aprilmoonflower]

today I had the weirdest experience. I met with a new freind and her 2 kids (same age as mine) we met through the idea of creating a homeschool playgroup for our preschoolers, and made arrangements online before meeting. anyhow it was soooo dificult! I cried all the way there and all the way home (thankfully could act seemingly normal through the playdate though)..I was really confused by this at first, thinking "great, I'm going nuts now." but then I realized this is the first "new" friend I've had since DH died. moving on and all. it really hurts so bad! =( Anyway it really took me off guard! wow was I NOT expecting that!

Mrs. Bern- I'm so sorry about your DH. It is so hard. I hope you can find a little peace and commiseration here on this board. I know I sure do! lol about what your grandson said! kids are too funny!

Darelenandhunter- I so know how that feels! Music was sooo important to my DH. I cry often when I listen to music. alot of times I just listen to the news and avoid it all together. (or listen to music DH didn't). DH and I were never big on xmas, so this feels like mine and my kids special time of the year now.. DS only had 1 Halloween/THanksgiving/xmas w/ DH (and we didn't do much) and DH died 2 weeks after DD was born so we obviously had no holidays with her. (not even 1 photo of the 4 of us either..sigh) so it just feels like the holidays are something new for me and my kids to discover together. $ is pretty tight here so I am making most of our gifts. It's been kind of fun figuring out what to get/make everyone. I will just do one of thos elittle potted trees as my kids are just 1 & 2 yo! (I am not brave enough or motivated enough to do a big tree! am I horrible?) We won't do much for Thanksgiving as we are vegetarian and also have no family nearby (we may see freinds though) but usually Thanksgiving is pretty laid back. Maybe you and your son can start some new traditions? I know that may not feel right to you, but it's funny how some things just happen to evolve. Anyway surround yourself with those you love and support you. I know it will be hard but you WILL get through it. Then you will be glad it's over.

If my kids were older I'd be working in a soup kitchen or something for all the holidays! DH was always so empathetic to homeless people. It took him to teach/show me that empathy as it wasn't ever something I thought to much about before meeting him. (he had some kind of vibe about him and no matter where we would go homeless people would ALWAYS approach him) he would always give them whatever he had wether it be $5 or $20, his last cigerrette,etc.. Anyway now everytime I see a homeless person since DH died I think "wow, it COULD be worse" but then again maybe I wouldn't care if I was homeless if DH was still here?

ok sorry for the ramble ladies. thanks for reading!

[manda14]

I was reading about how such a quick loss can be so devastating, and it's not fair that some people get warnings and some do not. Honestly though, I don't know which is worse. I was warned almost 10 months prior....that's too much to think about everyday. My guy had a seizure in the middle of the night and was unconcious. He couldn't speek and looked like he was really scared. Once at the hospital the nurses told us that "This is it" and we had about 2 hours with him. We all were just waiting for it to happen and watching his breathing get slower and slower until it just stopped. He was unconcious the whole time so he never spoke again. We were told that he could hear us so we all said our goodbyes, but it was awful. Sometimes I wish it was faster...but that would have been painfull too......It's all just the way it was suppost to happen I guess.

Amanda

[airymoon]

Darleneandhunter--You are stronger than you think. I have not been able to think about holiday shopping yet,sooo....YOU GO GIRL... baby steps are sometimes the only steps you can take. It doesn't matter what you bought just that you bought.

Mrs Burn- We've all been there. The shock of realizing my husband is gone is starting to happen again. It was easing up but I guess it's an uphill climb with a lot of slipping. As for wanting to tell him about things that have happened I also had that. The way I deal with it is to write him letters. The first letter I explained (to him) why I was writing them, now any time I want to tell him something I write him a letter in a big note book I keep by my bed. It is not as good as talking to him but it helps.

Aprilmoon---I know how hard the idea of not having a picture of the four of you together must be. After my husband died I panicked because we had wanted to get a family picture done and hadn't gotten a chance. Then I remembered that a snapshot had been taken of us in May on my son's prom day. Whew! At Christmas last year I left my inlaws with the flu. I was not there for the family photo but she had an old picture of me photoshopped into the picture. You could do something like that with the four of you. Then you would have something for your daughter to look at when she is older that shows all of you together.

Lisa-- Your sister is talented. The poem was beautiful. I hope it brought you some peace.

The thing happening for me now is the mood swings. Today after work I was doing good. I actually felt happy. I didn't want to just sit home so I called my kids and told them we would go shopping for a new couch and get something to eat. I was excited about buying something new. I hung up and before I put the phone away I was wanting to cry and just stay home in bed. In less than 2 seconds I changed moods!! The sudden bouts of tears are not so surprising to me any more. They happen everyday at any time so I've come to expect that I will cry and be ready to find a quiet place. Ususally I feel a little down before it escalates into tears. Today my mood flipped so fast it scared me. I'm trying to see the good in life so I think maybe the holidays will be a good time to start new traditions. We were always big on holidays so I can't ignore them, but I can make a few adjustments. Thanksgiving will be out of town at a hotel with an indoor waterpark. Maybe that will be something we will do everyyear as long as we can afford it. Don't know about Christmas yet. I am rearranging my bedroom. I keep waking up thinking I hear my husband coming to bed. I miss him snoring. Never thought I would say that!! lol. Luckily my St Bernard snores so sometimes I hear her in the middle af the night and for just a minute I feel like everything is normal and I fall back to sleep. I know in the morning of course that it is not but those few nights that I'm too tired to know it's not Kurt snoring are a blessing.

Tomorrow is Friday, so I hope you all have a good weekend and do something for yourselves to bring yourself some happiness. I will be drinking hot chocolate and reading a book. That is my only goal for this weekend. That and getting a new couch.

Bye all ,

Becky

[darleneandhunter]

Mrs. Burns -

That was so sweet and funny of your grandson. My seven year old has done such sweet things for me when he sees me crying. He brings me one of his favorite stuffed animals. He says Cute(his bunny) helps me when I feel sad, I know he will help you. Sometimes, it makes me cry harder, sometimes not. Either way, its so sweet that he doesn't want to see me cry.

Shock is a big thing in the first few months. It does help you get through, but when it wears off, the pain intensifies. At least this has been my experience.

April -

I am going to my father's for Thanksgiving. That sounds nice, but until Mark died, I hadn't seen my father for 15 years. It's a long story, but I don't know my father's family very well, even though they were all around me. I am helping my aunt(his sister) with getting craft supplies, and I am selling her pink angel ribbon pins for 2 bucks each and donating 90% of the proceeeds to breast cancer. The other 10% buys her more supplies...lol. I know alot about the family, but I don't KNOW them. I am making an effort to GET to know them, though, and I think Mark would have been happy about that. He would occasionally mention my family to me, and how I should try to get to know them. Most often, I would brush it off. I was never comfortable with them, and I never felt right about seeing them. I always felt like I was intruding. Little did I know, I should have listened to him. Hindsight being what it is, I am making the effort now.

Before my father's invitation, i had no plans. i wasn't even gonna cook. I guess I'll bring my camera and make the best of it.

Manda -

I lost mine in the blink of an eye with no consious warning, and believe me, i can't tell you which would be worse myself. I don't think either way is any worse than the other. It's PAINFUL AS HELL, PERIOD.

Airy -

No matter how strong people tell me I am, I certainly don't FEEL strong. I feel like I am skating through the motions of living every day, if for nothing more than to raise my son. The rest feels like a bottomless pit of despair. I spend all my down time in bed. If I have no place to go, I hop back into bed after Hunter gets on the bus for school. I might get up and do something later, but mostly I just sleep. I do some of my work, I don't have a choice, but there really is no joy in it. For over 25 years, I had a passion for the things I make, and for over 20 of those years I had a passion for selling them. Right now, I make them because I have to, not because I enjoy it. When I have to be up, I make things to pass the time, thata about it.

It's just another one of those days for me, I guess....

[missinmyhubby]

Kind of a random posting...

I remember our first Thanksgiving without Mark was just horrible...as you all know by now he was the best cook ever. All I had to cook was the homemade gravy. We spent it at my mothers. She can at least cook better than I.

Christmas was a whole different occasion. I tried very hard to make it a Christmas for my kids...it was awful. I was trying to put up the lights on our fake tree by myself...another chore the hubby always did!!! (We were suppose to have a real tree that year. He had promised to take us up to the mountains in Michigan and pick a REAL tree.) I was so beside myself...I couldn't get a single one of the strings to light up. There were burnt bulbs on everything. No matter how I reconfigured them, they would not work. My kids were sitting there watching me and trying to help. It took all I had to suck back all my tears. I don't get angry easily but I was pissed...so frustrated!!!! I tried so hard to hold back the tears and they came in full force. My poor kids had no idea what to do. They had not seen me cry, and here we were four months later and I was blubbering like a fool. The more they asked me what they could do to help, so I wouldn't cry, the worse it got. Finally, I gave up and went to bed. My poor, poor, babies suffered so much. The next day I went to Walmart and just bought new ones. Later that night we finished the tree and all the house decorations. We felt pretty good about it. Then our dog knocked the tree over not half an hour after we finished and busted almost every bulb we had on there. Again, the tears started and wouldn't stop. In less then a week our dog managed to knock the tree over three more times. There was no saving the thing. Again, we wound up at my mothers house. I hated the holidays for the next two years. This year is no different, but I am going to try very hard. Even though I have a new hubby, I want the other one back something fierce right now.

[airymoon]

Manda- I would like to resond to your post but i have to take some time to put it straight in my head. I don't want to ramble or hog the board. i will soon though.

Darleneandhunter--Please don't sell yourself short. People keep telling me how strong I am and I feel like jello inside and sometimes not even that strong. I spend a lot of time in bed too. I feel guilty because I don't so the house work and I let the kids do most of it. but then I think it's not hurting them and if I can't deal right then, then I can't. I just explain to them that I am having a hard time and I can't handle things. I don't ask them to do anything they just do sometimes. Today I came home from work and the living room, their bedroom and the BATHROOM were cleaned. I immediately felt this weight lift off of me. just mainly because i wasn't alone and i finally realized I don't have to take on everything by myself. Sleeping is OK as long as you can get out of bed when you need to. I counted the time I was up the other day and I think it added up to three hours total. If anybody knew how much I sleep nowdays they would be frantic. I just do enough to get buy and on the good days I do more. no where near what I used to. If you can't find enjoyment in your work try something else for a while. maybe your work is too much of a reminder of what used to be right now. I'm lucky 'cause I work in a pre-school and those kids keep me going. 4 year olds are so full of everythin that I get a lot from them. it was hard for me to go back. I don't have the same energy for it but I think that will come back in time. I had the summer off so I had some time to recoup but it was still strange. You know I never felt my age. Always felt about 10 years younger but now I feel old. I'm only 39 and I feel like I'm in my retirement years. I don't like it at all. I never realized how much there was to being a single parent. The pressure is huge and it's scary to think that all the big decisions and responsibilty is up to me alone now. That's why I think you / we all are stronger than we feel. We are still here. We are on this board talking and helping each other and ourselves when it would be so much easier to just give up and never get out of bed again and let whatever happens happen. but we don't do that and whatever the reason is doesn't matter. It takes a personal strength to take those baby steps when you really don't want to.

Becky

[mishknit]

i haven't posted in a day or so, and there are so many posts! thank god..i just need to read and know i'm not alone.

There is one thing I want to comment on, and that's the going back to bed thing. It's weird, there has not been a day that has gone by htat i have not WANTED to go bn\ack to bed..but only a very few that i have. it's almosy like I'm driven to fill every second, and can't stop. i stayu late, get up early and then go..errands, work, dealing with my son..cleaning the house, paying bills and figuring out money things..whatever..never enough time to do all i have to do. I am driven to keep moving....and I'm not staying ahad of the pain..it's all still there. It's interesting, becasue with tom here i was much lazier. laid around a lot, took care of things very lacksadaisiacally..now he's gone and i'm like the energizer bunny. Very weird.

My son and I spent the evening cleaning his room..omg..it is amazing, and will probably last about a minute, but it does feel good!

take care you all.....I'm not addressing anyone personally, but think of you all each and every day.

michele

[missingcurtis]

Up late here. Actually have been fighting a cold and went to bed early then work up and could not get back to sleep.

Angel, you asked about how my job was going the other day. It really keeps me busy, keeps my mind busy 8 hours a day. It has been good for me. I wasn't sure I wanted to work but I have decided this is what I need.

We have been having very warm weather here and I hope to get the new double stone I bought set at the cemetery pretty soon. Not sure how hard it will be to see a stone with my name on it but I did want the double stone so I am sure it will be fine.

Someone mentioned listening to different music. My husband liked Jazz and New Age music. I never liked to listen with him. I usually listened to Christian music but since moving I have been listening to Country. A lot of the songs make me cry but actually I think I have more tender feelings since Curtis died. I think I used to try and be so strong for him and now I do not mind letting go.

I have been in touch with a couple of his friends and they have been very encouraging to me. They know the "one Year" date is coming up. They keep telling me I will get through it just fine. I want to but I know it will be hard.

Each month has been a stepping stone and I am sure each year will be too.

Debbie............Missing Curtis...............my love

[computermemaw2]

I'm reading all of the posts and had to take a few minutes to collect my thoughts because I was experiencing so many emotions I'm trying hard not to feel. 2 years, 11 months and 10 days. And it's still hard, and I still cry every day. I've felt and still feel each of the feelings you've all felt, and we still go on. I can certainly empathize with the staying in bed part and want to let the folks know this is normal. The first year I came home from work, closed up the house, changed into pajamas, then laid down on the couch with a blanket, turned on the TV for sound, and willed myself to sleep. I got up only to go to the bathroom or when filled with moments of frenzy to keep busy began a cleaning process around my house. I must have cleaned out the kitchen cabinets and pantry a dozen times, each time getting rid of items I felt I no longer needed "as a party of one." Yet, though even constantly cleaning, my house seemed in a constant state of turmoil--the more I cleaned, the worse it looked. But who cared--there was just me. One day I had it spotless, and the next it seemed I was climbing over mounds of things--things I'd taken out of the closets, trying to rearrange rooms, moving things from one spot to another. None of it making even the slightest bit of sense. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't make a decision, and the idea of a future without my husband almost drove me insane. I will tell you to keep an eye on how you're doing because it's so very easy to cross the line into depression. The second year my daughter separated from her husband and she and my granddaughter came to live with me. That meant I no longer could hide in my sleeping slumber, although when they are not here, even today, there are times I just want to shut out the world by pulling the covers over my head, just trying to will myself away to sleep, so I could be anywhere but here. Then when I awake, I'm sad because I did. I'm still here and my husband isn't. Holidays have become a thing in the past. What used to bring so much excitement with the fun of preparing those special dishes that only were done during the holiday season--trying to find that something extra special for my husband to delight in has died in me. Going past the men's department in stores or by the tool aisle is still almost more than I can bear. I want to be anywhere but here, but have nowhere else to go. So I get up in the mornings, get ready for work, and try to keep focused on the day at hand. I still cry at the drop of a hat, but learned early on how to keep my feeling inside because, quite frankly, no one cares. If you start opening up, all of a sudden the subject is changed or the people run like scared rabbits. I'm a reminder "it can happen to you." My best friend was talking to me the other day at work, I don't even remember what about, but do remember how out of the blue she sayd "now men are widowers, right, that makes you a widow?" I just nodded, but felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. My daughter still lives with me, but she and my granddaughter are out more than they are in now, so I'm pretty much back by myself--listeningt to silence, trying to keep my life going. My husband died New Year's day. I was taking down the Christmas tree when he had his heart attack upstairs in our bed. When my boys came home on leave, I had them throw out the Christmas tree and all the decorations. We got married the day after Thanksgiving in 1970. Our anniversary is coming up. One of my sons who is in the Army just returned from a year in Irac and called last night to say he and his wife were coming to visit for Thanksgiving. I'm happy about that. I was trying to decide whethere to go to Florida to visit with my folks but hadn't made up my mind. Now he's coming. What to do about Thanksgiving? I don't know if I can keep up the act, if I can cook the Thanksgiving dinner, if I can keep the "I'm fine" image in place. I really wanted to just be by myself, to just get in the car and drive until I couldn't drive any more. But I'll try. I just miss my husband. Gayle

[missingcurtis]

Gayle,

We were married "on" Thanksgiving Day in 1969 and always seemed to manage to have a 4 day weekend close to our anniversay every year. Last year even with Curtis taking chemo treatments we our weekend together and of course our last anniversay. This year will be very hard on me but totally different.

I have to work on Friday so I won't have the 4 full days to spend alone. I will go to one of my sisters house on Thanksgiving Day. Then I will be working on Monday, which is the anniversay date. So I will hopefully get through this "first".

He passed away 3 weeks later on December 14. So I did not do Christmas. Not sure how I will feel this year. Really no reason to decorate my house. We don't have kids so I will probably go somewhere else for Christmas.

My mother was really big on Christmas. So many decorations and gifts and after my father died, she seemed to want more of the stuff out longer. Maybe it gave her a sense of comfort. I never thought to ask her, never thought I would be the first widow of her 6 kids. And I am not the oldest. We all figured it would be one of my 3 old sisters. You just never know.

You all will have to forgive me if I post a lot this weekend. Pouring out my feelings seems to help.

Have a great day.

Debbie...........Missing Curtis.......................

[lauraa]

Debbie,

You can pour out your feelings as much as you need to here....we all understand! I know the holidays are hard especially if our lose was around that time. My dad passed on Dec. 7th which was also my husbands birthday/then my husband passed 5 months later....I feel really down now. Seems it always hits harder this time of year....then there is the dreaded holidays. I think we could all get an academy award, huh? Keep writing and we will raise each other up.

Gasyle, I have missed seeing you posting here. I said it before and I need to again. When you write it is as if your words are my own....It has been 2 1/2 years since my husband passed. I am more lonely now than ever....everyone is gone, even family....no one will ask me anymore and no-one wants to see my pain. Yes, it is lonely and I am alone. My heart feels like a hole is in it. I am going thru menopause and that sucks so there is a fine line to know if my symptoms are all that or anxiety due to depression with all this grieving. I sort of feel like an empty nester as my 3 kids are so busy and out alot, so I find myself alone alot.....I am at a turning point in my life to try and figure what I can so in my life to have more meaning since everything else I worked my entire life for went down the toilet......I know what you mean about working and putting that face on and how others have no clue as to what we are feeling.....It scares them "shitless" to even think "this" could happen to them....that is what I really think and they can not deal even if it means deserting a friend.....that is how lame people are....which only compounds things for us...as if it isn't lonley enough........today, I wish I could get in the car and just leave and drive no-where....anywhere...but far? I'll bet you get this.....Your in my thoughts and Prayers...And, you are not alone!

[aprilmoonflower]

Good morning ladies! does anyone get bouts of anxiety? I am having issues with this latley. I am just so stressed at times! Not sure what my pont in posting that is. lol. I know anyone would be in my position, so I try to remember that! Hopefully things can only get better though~ (wishful thinking) I would love to stay in bed one morning but I have not been able to sleep in since DH died (gotta get up with the babies!)

laurra- I am starting to experience the everyone going away thing. nobody really cares too much or wants to talk about DH anymore. I think it's either acceptance or just sick to death of me talking about him 24/7. not sure whcih! (I seriously don't talk about him ALL the time. really. but I won't go out of my way NOT to talk about him). it makes me more sad because I feel like everyone has moved on but me. I won't forget him EVER. and I won't let anyone else either! (ha!) I agree some people are just lame though! (some family included!)

Debbie- anniversary's can be so hard. yet once they are passed maybe you will think, that wasn't so bad..I hope so. ((hugs)) I think that's great you are working and will be with your family. try to keep busy! it does help!

Gayle-thanks for your post. sometimes I feel like I am falling in a pit of depression. I do need a reminder to keep an eye on myself (especially to remember to eat & sleep enough, that is my biggest thing). I have to laugh about the cleaning thing. that is so exactly me! one day the house looks great the next I am digging out stuff.lol.

[justamom]

Hi girls, I do struggle with anxiety. I started having really sever anxiety attacks right after the accident and they proceeded to get worse and more frequent. So I had several doctors medicate me which didn't work too well for me as I have also developed a stomach ulcer that didn't do well with the meds. I finally found kind of a Wholistic thearapist who has been hypnotising me to avoid the anxiety attacks. It has really worked well for me. She has given me alot of natural alternatives to my meds as well so as of now I am not taking anthing but natural and organic stuff. I still really struggle to sleep right now I am going on my 4th day with 2-4 hours of sleep per night. iam not sure what to do about this. I am trying difernet things before bed , aromatherapy, warm baths, different teas, but so far no sleep. I am envious of those of you who go back to bed - My bed is not a friendly place right now. Do any of you dream of your husbands? I am not really dreaming at all and I haven't since the accident and it makes me crazy, I used to be such a great dreamer and now nothing. I miss my dreams and I really want to dream about Steve and I can't seem to. I am frustrated and over tired. Also I had a "friend" come and tell me that she and her husband are getting divorced and in a very Passive aggressive sort of way she basically told me to stay away from him. It was a serious blow to my ego. I thought she was my friend and for her to even think that hurt my feelings.I am in a foul mood and I have to pay bills. YUCKBALAGH! Hope you are all having a better day. Lisa

[mishknit]

anxiety was/is an issue for me too. i used to have severe anxiety atacks a few years ago when i had some weird health problem (all cleared up), but since tom's death there have been a few times i've popped a xanax to "take the edge of". I do not use anything daily, but always have it with me, just in case.

So many talking about getting in the car and just driving....i think of that too, and my 14 year old son keeps saying 'lets do it". I always would drive to think, or be mad or whatever, just clear my head after an argument with tom or trying to work thru some dilemma...so i , too, am very drawn to the idea of just driving and never stopping. Sometimes the urge is so overwhelming i have to hold my self back from doing it! I have taken some time away for myself tho....i went away alone for my anniversary....did a lot of driving, and went away alone while my son was away at a school trip..again. lots of drivng in beautiful areas of the california coast. This helped quite a bit, and i felt tom close to me as i drove and cried and felt what i needed to. sometimes a long drive is good....even if you go nowhere. one day i drove to santa barbara and back...just to drive. didn't even stop! I guess i'm not only emphasizing with the thought, but maybe encouraging you a little to do it....obviously not forever, but go with the instinct to escape a bit.

there is so much pain and fear here thse days.....fear of the holidays, and it makes so much sense. i can't imagine NOT decorating or having the holidays, and yet i can't imagine DOING it either! as they near i get more and more depressed. io drove by a lit up house the other night and just started screaming...i was insane! this was tom's favorite time of year, all of ours, actually, and we did it big. a big party..lots of stuff. I don't know how i'll get thru it, but i seem to have gotten thru so much already, i guess i'll make this too.

I'm glad we all can vent here....i think we need it, and at least noone shuts their ears to us here.

peace, michele

[lauraa]

Hey girls....I think we should have a meeting place somewhere so we can all get together...wouldn't that be great for us all? It would be someething to plan and look forward to....and, soooooo much support! Talk about going on a drive, huh. Have a good day. Do one good thing for "YOU" today!

[aprilmoonflower]

I would love to meet all of you ladies. really! a gathering of sorts would be very cool! (Vegas anyone?) of course I would have to bring my kids!

Michele- you WILL Make it through..all of us have/are, however painful it is. life does go on..I really think that's the hardest thing to accept.

Lisa- you don't happen to hang out at MDC do you? (Mothering.com discussion board) also I understand compleltey about the alternative methods. I really need to find something that will work for me and help me along.. I think I am going to get some skullcap tincture.. I would love to get body work (I am a massage therapist and shiatsu therapist for crying out loud!) I have had not one massage since DH died nor anyone really touch me other than a quick hug. I am almost afraid of bodywork..(lot's of emotional stuff always comes up for me normally) every muscle in your body stores memories. when you get massage regularly they will start to release them (it's very normal for alot of people to have all sorts of issues to come up from things you hadn't though about in years!)

[airymoon]

hi ladies... it's funny you mention getting together. I was going to post that tonight (really!) I have been having anxiety too I want to switch my meds but haven't had time to contact the doc yet.

Gayle-- I f you don't feel like cooking for thanklsgiving then take your son and his wife out to a restaurant. Lots of them serve meals on that day.

I have a solution to the no sleeping thing. It worked for me. I was diagnosed with insomnia befor my husband died so you can imagine what it is like now. I do take a sleep aid nut I don't like to because I'm still sleepy the next day. ANYWAY, Last year for christmas my hubby and kids boughtme a heated mattress pad. It has dual controls and tmperature settings. I think it cost around 60- 90 dollars but It helps. I bought a couch today. It was so hard to make the decision without Kurt. I couldn't decide which one or what fabric and what price. We always banted it back ond forth until we conveinced each other or ourselves wich one we wanted. He always ignored prices and I always watched them. I had to do it alone today and it was scary. I did have my daughter with me but she is only 8. All her decisions were based an the jumping value of the couch and if she could sleep on it. LOL. On the way to the store she turned on the radio and listened to the country station her and Daddy always listened too. They were playing Christmas music! I didn't cry but hearing the songs made me feel scared, Not sure why. Then I told her athey made me sad and she made a deal to listen to one song then switch it to one i liked. we switched back and forth the whole way there.

On the way home she told me her idea of where her dad is. First she asked if your soul gets to look like it does now when its in heaven and if you get your sight. I told her I thought so but I wasn't sure. She said "Daddy's soul is in heaven but his spirit is here with us and his friends. His soul is the one that lives with God and tells his spirit where to go and when we need him. It connects him to us." We talk about her dad and heaven but not in that depth. I am amazed at her strength. We decided that souls may not have a shape but spirits do and souls are all beautiful colors and light.

I've been lucky so far my friends still ask about Kurt and talk to me about him. MY work is trying to find a way to honor him They are thinking about buying a piece of playground equipment in his name.OK lets make a deal on here. No more apologizing for long posts or alot of posts or bad moods or anything else! This is one of the few places we can go and be open and honest without fear of "offending" others.'

hugs to all , Becky

[manda14]

HI everyone,

Lisa, About the sleeping thing, you should try Valerian. It is natural and comes in pill form and tincture and tea too I think. It really helps calm you and help you fall asleep. I was a bad sleeper before, but after staying up very late at night I fell into a good routine and have been sleeping really well for the last couple of months.

I think about my guy every night before I go to sleep, I talk to him and sometimes write to him about how I'm feeling, so I kind of enjoy going to bed now. I have been having great dreams about him in the last week...maybe because I have been thinking so much about him. Once I even asked him to come and visit me in my dreams so I could see how he was ..and he did. They say that you often dream about what you are last thinking about...I believe it a little.

Oh the holidays!.....I don't really even want to think about xmas yet. THinking of going away on a trip and just skipping xmas all together. Thinking of going to Vegas actually....Sounds like a great place for a bunch of sad, crazy women to meet and soul search.......Anyone intersted in making a new holiday just for us?

I live in Canada so Thanksgiving has already come and gone for me...and it was tough. Good luck to you all for all the holidays to come....be strong.

On a happier note I had a bench put up with a plaque for Mark at the park where he used to play basket ball...so I have somewhere to go and think.....as if I don't do that enough already. It's nice to know it's there.

It's so sad that there are more and more of us joining here, but I'm greatful to have found all of you.

Manda

[mishknit]

omg...

a vegas trip! could you imagine? pull a slot machine, cry, throw a dice at craps, cry, bet on red or black, cry, eat at a buffet, cry!!! LOL I LOVE the idea.....even if we just play with it, it will be fun!

and I love the idea of no more apologizing....we have nothing to apologize for!

The body work thing really struck home with me..i have enough gift certificates sitting here for 3 massageas, one of which i gave tom for christmas last year right before he died. I have been afraid, because i know how it brings things up. I went to a friends home in lake arrowhead..resort area an hour and a half from here, for my birthday. A couple other friends came up for a nice weekend. Anyway..they planned massages, but i refused until the last minute, and then decided to go for it. the masseuse knew my story and said to not worry, that whatever i did would be fine. Well..i cried, and cried, and it was a good release, and she was great. but the thing that came up for me after the massage was that...would i have to pay someone to touch me for the rest of my life? i know, it's a dramatic statement, and hopefully not true, but it is what came up for me, and made me very sad. Now, thinking about it..it actually would fit in with the vegas trip, because i hear there are men "for sale" there too! LOLOOL..I hope I'm not shocking anyone....just making myself laugh, and need it tonite.

Anyway....

i'm sure i'll be back soon,

Michele

[lindat]

Michele, My sister and her first husband had a restaurant in Running Springs in the 80's and for awhile he was a chef at a hotel on Lake Arrowhead. It was really beautiful up there, but I haven't been in many years.

It would probably be hard for all of us to find a good time to get together, but I too think Vegas would be fun. At least it would give us something else to think about for awhile.

The thought of paid men has also crossed my mind - I think I was just trying to find a way to have a connection with someone and not have to deal with having a relationship. Since I don't think I could even deal with the massage idea, it was definitely just a fantasy.

I am having a really hard time today. My mom and step dad smoke in the trailer where I am staying with them. The thought that I put my kids through this when they were growing up, just makes me sick. I guess since they survived I will also, but I am really missing my home. There is no space to unpack so everything I need is in my car. My daughter in MS had a lawyer contact the builder last month, but apparently it hasn't done any good. We were supposed to have a house built by Christmas and it hasn't even been started. I am really sick of missing Terry and really sick of living out of my car. I went out for a drive today to get away from the smoke and came really close to driving away, but I don't have anywhere else to go right now and I need to find a job because my savings is gone. My life sucks right now.

[rodless]

It's winter in northwest Iowa - 5 in of heavy wet snow. It covered everything -the trees were beautiful but all I could think of was how long winter will be. I can't believe the Vegas thing came up. A friend (lost her husband last November) and I were just talking about doing that sometime after the first of the new year. I've never been there so sounds good to me. Mary Jo

[rodless]

Linda, I am so sorry you're having such a hard time right now. Know there's nothing anyone can say that would really help but just remember we're all in your corner and thinking about you. Better day tomorrow!! Mary Jo

[mishknit]

Linda..

I can't even imagine what you're going thru...it breaks my heart. We are all pulling for you...you know that.

are you still in san diego being choked by smoke? I'm in los angeles area....if you need to drive somewhere.....

meanwhile....i jus played afew hours of cards with my son...after coming home from a wedding rehearsal where i had to be very confrontational with the people at the Church..so unprepared! I was appalled by them, and it doesn't bode well for the wedding tomorrow. and then, as usual, there is the fact that it's a wedding. i love my job, but.......

big sigh

good night all,

michele

[darleneandhunter]

omg...

a vegas trip! could you imagine? pull a slot machine, cry, throw a dice at craps, cry, bet on red or black, cry, eat at a buffet, cry!!! LOL I LOVE the idea.....even if we just play with it, it will be fun!

It's a great idea, and I as well had the same thoughts.....

A huge group of grieving women, meeting in the lounge of a hotel, crying, sobbing, hugging, crying, sobbing, and hugging some more.....

However, it only works in theory. You all know some of us could never afford that kind of trip, even if we did share expenses and/or room. It's ok, it's a nice thought, anyway.

GAYLE -

Yet, though even constantly cleaning, my house seemed in a constant state of turmoil--the more I cleaned, the worse it looked. But who cared--there was just me. One day I had it spotless, and the next it seemed I was climbing over mounds of things--things I'd taken out of the closets, trying to rearrange rooms, moving things from one spot to another. None of it making even the slightest bit of sense.

OMG! The house! I am having the same exact issues! No matter how hard I try, I can't get it clean. I am so at the point of not caring anymore. it's only me and my son, and he could care less, he's only 7...lol. There are other days I look at the mess and just feel too overwhelemed to deal with it, so I put it off again. Then I go through days of flipping out and tearing things apart. Just when I feel like I have accomplished something, it turns right back into a mess again......

I know I am already depressed. I was on antidepressants, but I think at this point it doesn't matter, they aren't very effective at all. I stopped taking them, and I feel no different. I could try something else, but what's the point? I have to go through this, no matter how much I want to block it all out and make it go away.

I am set for surgery for my kidney stones on Dec. 12th. I hoping not to have to do it before the holidays. They won't let me just pass them, it might cause more infection. With the constant threat of renal failure it isn't a good idea. If they pass on their own between now and then, that's one thing, but he thinks they won't only because they aren't just tiny stones. I have abnormally large stones, and my body probably can't pass them anyway. Why is it I *always* have the "abnormal" stuff?

Better yet, why am *I* still alive, with all this crap, and Mark is gone? It is a question that has plagued me right from the beginning.......

But, I am here, I might as well make the best of it.

[airymoon]

ok I am the worst person in the world and it is along story but i'll try to condense it. I talk online to a friend of mine and my husband's. tonight he told me that he has always had feelings for me. We have always joked about this so I didn't take him to seriously. I had been enjoying some beer tonight also so my thinking was clouded.

any way he asked if I wanted to meet him for breakfast. I have not had an adult conversation in I don't know how long so I went, The place we went to was closed so we sat in his car and talked. Thats when i found out he was serious about his feelings. I didn't know what to say and he just gave me a hug and said no matter what we were still friends. It felt so good to be held again. I didn't realize how much i missed it. I've been so busy being strong for my kids I forgot about me. I let myself pretend it was my husband holding me. so when he kissed me i didn't resist. I even kissed back. and when he started touching me i didn't resist. I stopped him and left before it went further and the whole time I'm thinking of my husband and how i will never be held by him again and how this man's touches were so much like my husbands. I would like to lay the blame on him for taking advantage of me but I know he is lonely too and Kurt's death hit him hard and the truth is even though i was vulnerable so was he and I took advantage of that to get a little physical contact. When he left I just drove around. Went out to the river to try to find some peace. I had to leave because all i really wanted to do was walk into the water and stop the pain. Oh for the blessed numbness of hypothermia. I know in my head this is probably normal and that I let him kiss me because he was safe. But my heart is breaking because I cant have my husband and I feel like I've betrayed him. How can i grieve for him and say how much I miss him and then let another man touch me?! What kind of person does that. I want to just be with my husband and if it weren't for my kids I think I would be already. Definately don't want to live now that ive done this.

[lauraa]

Airymoon.....Oh my.....be careful! I have often thought what it would be like I were to meet someone other than my husband.....you are very vulnerable! You need to follow your heart and keep talking to people who can help guide you. You are not bad at all.....how do you feel about this man? It could be a really good thing or a really bad thing......so, be true to your heart and take it very slow. All you can do is be honest. With yourself and this person....Maybe you should really just keep it in the talking stage for now and take it really slow so that you are not hurt any further, emotionally. Only you know how much more hurt you can take.......I am thinking of you.

Everyone......we are the cleaning queens! I feel like I am just spinning sometimes and not getting anything done but then when I look back the last 2 1/2 years I have accomplished alot. We are all dealing with shock, exhaustion, Post Traumatic Stress, saddness, depression, grief, insomnia, anxiety, etc. and all the while taking care of our families, etc. that is a part of our husbands legacy.....Now, let's all look at ourselves alittle closer and realize how strong we are and why they fell in love with us. We are the ones who could handle this and they could see thru us and see our strength.....Even if we can't go to Vegas we can have our own party right here...You all stay strong thru this process. We will never totally get over this, never, and I think that is the truth! And, it is going to take a long, long time...we all have to do it our own way and take as long as it takes......Our husbands are in our hearts forever. Remember, we were kindred spirits and now soul mates forever and ever......we will meet them again....and, they are still with us....I feel my husband's presence and I just know he is still with me......I hope you all have a good day and I hope to have helped you all even if it is in a small way.

[aprilmoonflower]

I am always asking myself "Why am I here and not DH?". I have no answers at all but I am starting to beleive life is just a random kind of thing. Also how lucky I was to have the years with DH (however short they were). I don't know really. it's hard to make sense of much of anything AND deal with the big void in your life AND try be be a functioning normal person.

airymoon- be gentle with yourself! there's no reason to beat yourself up over this! and sometimes, there's is just no sense to some of what we are going through and feeling!

yeah I doubt I could afford Vegas anytime soon at least, but it would be cool to do one day! (or San Diego) or you guys could all just come to AZ and camp out

btw I won't gamble much anymore..funny story..DH and I got picked up by the secret service once in vegas btw! (We were in town for a string of Phish shows) anyway what happened was awful! we were staying at the aladdin and someone had passed DH a fake bill (The changer lady we finally figured out!) to whom he unknowingly passed it to a table the next day in the casino!! it looked and felt like real $ at a glance but, it had a dog head in place of the president and said "In dogs we trust". whcih DH failed to notice as he slapped down what he thought was a $100 bill onto the blackjack table. anyway the card guy laughed and we were a bit confused by that, then we were surrounded by like 10 cops in an instant then taken into a interogation room, searched and grilled by secret service (they didn't beleive any of it! and thought we were some kind of big time conterfeiters!) anyway who looks at their money in Vegas? especially when you've had some drinks? DH & I used to laugh about this after the fact..