I Miss Him So...

January 1, 2005

I guess I feel bad asking this, but why do we have to "get through it"? I mean everyone talks about how awful it is, but everyone says they just suffer through the grief and then get through it. I lost the love of my life 13 days ago. If I had kids, I would understand why you have no choice but to survive just to take care of them. But I don't. I'm not talking about doing anything to myself, but why do I have to survive this? Why can't I just curl up in the corner and go be with him?

I'm really sorry, I don't want to be negative, but everything I read talks about how you will eventually get through it. But why do you have to?

January 1, 2005

winnie08...I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. You have to go on and get through it in order to heal and to survive. You have to look to the future and know that at some point you will deal with the loss, learn from it, become stronger and also eventually heal. Not everyone heals at the same pace or in the same way. When I lost my husband last Feb 04, for me it was as much a loss as it was a relief as he had been sick for 5 years. So for 5 years I grieved for him along with him. I am not fully healed from the loss, I dont think that you are ever fully healed but you heal and grow to be able to move on in life. Let me ask you a question, What would your loved one want you to do? Dont rush anything, just keep talking. Go with how you feel, cry, laugh or even get angry if you have to, but keep talking. No one will understand how you are feeling or why you acting the way that you are if they havent experienced what we all have here. We are all here to help you and we will. Please trust in God that he will get you through and give you the comfort, strength and peace to go on. He has sustained me this far, he has given me the comfort, strength and also the peace to be able to accept all of this. Yes I have 2 daughters so I must move on for them, but you also must move on for you. Take care. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Sue

January 1, 2005

Dear Winnie08, Sillygirl, Joyce and Everyone here,

I am so glad the holidays are behind us! It took alot of work and planning to survive them. I held my loved ones close and dear to my heart the entire time. Not to say, there weren't tears along the way!

WINNIE08...MY DEAR,I completely understand how you feel. I didn't think I could survive this and sometimes I still don't think I can go on without my husband...he was my life! It hurts so bad! You need to do this your way and only your way. There is no right or wrong way to do it...it's very intense and complicated business....your walking a fine line here as we all know here. Please keep talking about how you feel no-matter what it is and we will help raise you up. It is o.k. It has been 7 months for me and I still struggle...my hearts skips and sleeping is difficult. I am trying to find my way back to god and I think that's is the hardest thing right now as when you loose someone so precious to you your faith gets shattered. It's a struggle but god will not abandon us and with each and every passing day you will get a gift somehow or from someone that will help you....try and find the positive in all you experience somehow.

JOYCE, Keep going girl...I know it's tough for you but you are doing a great job and you inspire me...Your Bob is watching and he is with you always.

SILLYGIRL, As always your words encourage me and are helping everyday to find the Lord again.

I am so glad we all got thru the holidays in one piece. I love you all and will pray for all of us to gain more strength with each passing day..And, remember, "Til We Meet Again"................Laura

January 1, 2005

Winnie08, and all . Better New Year for us all is what I will be praying for. Winnie, I have felt the same way you have at least a portion of everyday since tom passed. I do have a teenage son I need to be here for. Sometimes I thought that was the only reason I should go on. I have to believe though that God still has me here while Tom is with him for a reason. I may never know that reason but have to accept my fate. I am still grieving deeply for my husband and cry daily. I do not believe in the books that inform you that you will go through a certain process in your grief. Anyway what I am trying to say is that as much as we hate losing the person that is our heart there is a purpose for us remaining here for now. We just have to wait and be open to it. Maybe we will never actually know how we have made an impact on anothers life in our lifetime.

January 2, 2005

Good morning, Everybody. I survived the first Christmas without my Tom and without my Daddy. It was an unusual Christmas. Our son and I drove to my Mother\'s house, about 4 hours away on Christmas morning. We arrived about lunch time, when we have always had lunch, the same time every year for as long as I can remember. My sister decided that we needed to have dinner instead, although it was at our Mother\'s house. She wanted to open presents first and keep her children, that are 9 and almost 3, on a schedule. Well, none of us has ever known her children to actually sit down for any meal longer than about 5 minutes, but I guess because my Mother was feeling rather low too, my Daddy passed away in July, that she didn\'t say anything and we went along with my sister\'s new plan. It was a disaster! I really don\'t believe that any of us really felt like celebrating much, dinner was overdone and cold, and her children didn\'t eat but a few bites...Well, you get the drift, my Mother and my son and I were just shell-shocked I suppose. My son was upset because what was a constant in his life was now different (he\'s 17 yrs old) and since his Dad passed back in February, it has been some comfort to keep as many things the same as possible. It\'s really tough when you lose your Dad and your PaPa within such a short time. To make a long story short, my sister wasn\'t speaking to anyone when she left. I feel so bad for her,and have talked with her since, but she just seems to want to be in control, but that\'s not her place. On a good note, I met my little granddaughter for the first time at Christmas, she just turned 4 weeks old. I rocked and spoiled her for almost three days. She was born just nine months after my Tom passed, needless to say, she is my special angel. She looks like Tom with her beautiful bright eyes. I can\'t help but think that he\'s looking down from heaven and smiling. Holding her brought me so much peace. I have enjoyed that nice feeling every since Christmas. God must be telling me that I am needed here on earth to help her grow. My son was really taken with his new niece. We drove back home night before last. We made it through Christmas and actually felt at peace. I pray for the peace of the Lord to be with all of us as we embark on this new and better year.

Peace,

Susan

January 2, 2005

Laura, Sillygirl and everyon,

I brought in New Years with our two sons, their wives and

7 of my grandchildren. At the stroke of midnight, I wasj

holding my youngest grandaughter, jay,who is going to be 3

in April. We all spent New Years Day together and it was

so great for me.

My youngest son is from NJ and when they left to go home

last night, the drove about a block from the house and

had to come back. My youngest grandaughter was crying for

me. When my son handed her to me, she hugged my neck and

asked me not to leave her. She wouldnt let go for about

1 hour. I talked to her, gave her a picture of Bob and I,

and promised her I would come to visit as soon as my van

was fixed and I told her I would call her this morning.

She still left crying.I called after they pulled away

to try to comfort her on her way home: but it didnt work,

she kept saying that I was leaving her and she would

miss me.

This is the first time that she got upset when they

left our house or when I left hers. It broke my heart

to let her go, but I couldnt keep her with me right

now. She is having problems with her asthma and she

needs to be with her Mom.

I will mention this to my hospice grief worker on

Monday. I didnt know what to say or do because she

wasnt listening to me.

I have to call her so I have to go. Grandma always

keeps her promises.

We will get stronger every day and we will be able

to go back to God and he understands.

God Bless

Joyce

Dear Winnie08, Sillygirl, Joyce and Everyone here,
I am so glad the holidays are behind us! It took alot of work and planning to survive them. I held my loved ones close and dear to my heart the entire time. Not to say, there weren't tears along the way!
WINNIE08...MY DEAR,I completely understand how you feel. I didn't think I could survive this and sometimes I still don't think I can go on without my husband...he was my life! It hurts so bad! You need to do this your way and only your way. There is no right or wrong way to do it...it's very intense and complicated business....your walking a fine line here as we all know here. Please keep talking about how you feel no-matter what it is and we will help raise you up. It is o.k. It has been 7 months for me and I still struggle...my hearts skips and sleeping is difficult. I am trying to find my way back to god and I think that's is the hardest thing right now as when you loose someone so precious to you your faith gets shattered. It's a struggle but god will not abandon us and with each and every passing day you will get a gift somehow or from someone that will help you....try and find the positive in all you experience somehow.
JOYCE, Keep going girl...I know it's tough for you but you are doing a great job and you inspire me...Your Bob is watching and he is with you always.
SILLYGIRL, As always your words encourage me and are helping everyday to find the Lord again.
I am so glad we all got thru the holidays in one piece. I love you all and will pray for all of us to gain more strength with each passing day..And, remember, "Til We Meet Again"................Laura

January 2, 2005

I have made it through the first anniversary of my husband's death. This was such a strange holiday season. No one felt like celebrating anything but we went through the motions. It just wasn't the same. My heart still breaks daily. I feel like I'm still looking for answers that I'll never get. I talk to my husband daily. Strange that I've had no dreams of him this year. I haven't had any dreams this year. My daughter thinks it's because I still hurt so badly; a friend thinks it's because I want it so badly. She says when I don't need the dreams, that's when they'll come. I miss Eddy. I've made it on my own for a year now; I'll continue to go on. But it still seems like a bad dream at times. A neighbor once told me he doesn't think about his son anymore who passed away right after he'd finished college because it hurt too much when he did. I don't want to NOT think about my husband. It seems like I've had to almost totally erase his existence since he died--name off of checking account, charge cards, change the utility bills to my name, etc. I don't ever want to forget one moment we shared together--the good AND the bad. My husband died 1 Jan 2004, New Year's Day. No one wanted to celebrate New Year's day this year. One of my daughter's friends told her to now not think that we were celebrating New Year's, but that now we would be celebrating the new beginning Eddy was having in heaven. She told me that seemed to help a bit. My family and friends each called me New Year's Day to check on me and see how I was. No one would leave me alone. While that may have been good for some, I just wanted to be able to be by myself, to review the year I'd just come through, and to think about my husband. I just miss him so. I had a funeral to go to and several of the people there commented on "how proud of me they were to see how far I'd come" since Eddy died, and "how well they thought I was handling things now." I just nodded this time. I've quit saying "but you don't see me when I quit work, you don't see that I cry all the way home; you don't see the effort I have to make not to go to bed at 5 pm and just wish the world away. One lady talked with me for a few minutes. She'd had a near death experience. She told me to just try to remember that Eddy was now with God. She'd seen the golden gates, but hadn't been allowed to go through them. But she told me she'd never seen such brilliant lights or heard more beautiful music. I'm trying to keep that vision in my mind. But I can't help being selfish wanting my husband back with me. I read in one of our newsletters that it takes a year of grief for every 10 years we'd been together. If that's true, I don't know if I can make the next 2 years. I've never been more unhappy or alone in my life. I've prayed to God to help me through this because I don't think I can make it on my own, but I'm not sure my faith is strong enough to keep believing. But if I don't continue believing, then I have to face the fact that my husband is truly gone. And, I don't believe that. I sincerely believe there's more to us than just this, our physical life. I attended Sunday School when I was growing up, but rarely went to church as an adult. That didn't mean I didn't believe. I said my personal thanks when my children were born and were healthy. I've always felt that God knew what was real in our hearts and wouldn't hold it against me because I didn't go to church every Sunday. If I thought I'd never see or be with my husband again I don't think I could go on. It's still so hard. My daughter said 2005 has to get better. I hope so. Gayle

January 3, 2005

Hello to computermemaw2 and to everyone who read these lines!

You are a few months ahead of me in this grief period. I lost my husband, Haldun, on April 9, 2004. I thought that the more time passed the better I would feel, however, it is not happening that way. I feel more anger towards life and towards God. I'm even angry at my husband for dying so young and so unexpectedly. Everyday, I find myself saying "What was the rush?". He just had a heart attack and collapsed at the airport before we left for a vacation to San Diago. He died in front of our kids (4,5 and almost 2 at that time). I keep reading everybody else's feelings. We all feel the same: Anger, longing, sorrow. It seems like these feelings will never end. Our lives will never be the same again. When our loved ones died, a part of us died with them. I'm not the same person I was. My husband died, and he took a part of me with him. He only left me with the beautiful memories, but I cannot hug the memories; I cannot talk to the memories. Whenever I hear a beautiful piece of music, or a beautiful sunset I want to share it with him, but I can't. Not being able to share is so painful. I hear a joke, I find a new shortcut to a certain location, and in the past I just could not wait for my husband to come home so that I could share it with him. Now, I can't. Why did he have to die? Why do my children have to grow up without knowing their father and without feeling his love? I don't understand. The things that can happen in life is so random and meaningless. You can be the most honest, loving and caring person in the world but you are still not spared. Boom, you get cancer, or have a heart attack, or your loved one dies, or some other horrible thing happens. Then, on the other hand, all these horrible people out there just keep on living. I try to pray to God for some comfort, for reconciliation. I don't believe in life after death, or heaven or hell. If you die, you just turn into dust and disappear. That's it. But, love goes on. I still love him and miss him. I love you, Haldun. I just wish that you know it.

I have made it through the first anniversary of my husband\\\'s death. This was such a strange holiday season. No one felt like celebrating anything but we went through the motions. It just wasn\\\'t the same. My heart still breaks daily. I feel like I\\\'m still looking for answers that I\\\'ll never get. I talk to my husband daily. Strange that I\\\'ve had no dreams of him this year. I haven\\\'t had any dreams this year. My daughter thinks it\\\'s because I still hurt so badly; a friend thinks it\\\'s because I want it so badly. She says when I don\\\'t need the dreams, that\\\'s when they\\\'ll come. I miss Eddy. I\\\'ve made it on my own for a year now; I\\\'ll continue to go on. But it still seems like a bad dream at times. A neighbor once told me he doesn\\\'t think about his son anymore who passed away right after he\\\'d finished college because it hurt too much when he did. I don\\\'t want to NOT think about my husband. It seems like I\\\'ve had to almost totally erase his existence since he died--name off of checking account, charge cards, change the utility bills to my name, etc. I don\\\'t ever want to forget one moment we shared together--the good AND the bad. My husband died 1 Jan 2004, New Year\\\'s Day. No one wanted to celebrate New Year\\\'s day this year. One of my daughter\\\'s friends told her to now not think that we were celebrating New Year\\\'s, but that now we would be celebrating the new beginning Eddy was having in heaven. She told me that seemed to help a bit. My family and friends each called me New Year\\\'s Day to check on me and see how I was. No one would leave me alone. While that may have been good for some, I just wanted to be able to be by myself, to review the year I\\\'d just come through, and to think about my husband. I just miss him so. I had a funeral to go to and several of the people there commented on \\\"how proud of me they were to see how far I\\\'d come\\\" since Eddy died, and \\\"how well they thought I was handling things now.\\\" I just nodded this time. I\\\'ve quit saying \\\"but you don\\\'t see me when I quit work, you don\\\'t see that I cry all the way home; you don\\\'t see the effort I have to make not to go to bed at 5 pm and just wish the world away. One lady talked with me for a few minutes. She\\\'d had a near death experience. She told me to just try to remember that Eddy was now with God. She\\\'d seen the golden gates, but hadn\\\'t been allowed to go through them. But she told me she\\\'d never seen such brilliant lights or heard more beautiful music. I\\\'m trying to keep that vision in my mind. But I can\\\'t help being selfish wanting my husband back with me. I read in one of our newsletters that it takes a year of grief for every 10 years we\\\'d been together. If that\\\'s true, I don\\\'t know if I can make the next 2 years. I\\\'ve never been more unhappy or alone in my life. I\\\'ve prayed to God to help me through this because I don\\\'t think I can make it on my own, but I\\\'m not sure my faith is strong enough to keep believing. But if I don\\\'t continue believing, then I have to face the fact that my husband is truly gone. And, I don\\\'t believe that. I sincerely believe there\\\'s more to us than just this, our physical life. I attended Sunday School when I was growing up, but rarely went to church as an adult. That didn\\\'t mean I didn\\\'t believe. I said my personal thanks when my children were born and were healthy. I\\\'ve always felt that God knew what was real in our hearts and wouldn\\\'t hold it against me because I didn\\\'t go to church every Sunday. If I thought I\\\'d never see or be with my husband again I don\\\'t think I could go on. It\\\'s still so hard. My daughter said 2005 has to get better. I hope so. Gayle

January 3, 2005

moongirl...I understand how you feel. I lost my husband almost a year ago. He was only 38 and died of cancer. He also left behind 2 daughters, one was 15 and the other 10 at the time. I never quite understood why he had to die until I talked to our pastor at church and he told me that God puts all of us here for a purpose. Well, when I started to think about that I realized just what Jerrys

purpose was. He was here to give others hope, be an inspiration, lead others to the Lord and also be a blessing to those who were in his same situation and could see no light at the end. I am still finding out that there are people out there that he touched as I over heard 2 people talking about him, not by name but that they had came to our church and had heard him stand and thank God for his cancer as it brought his family back to church and also the strength and faith that he had. Only then moongirl did I realize his purpose. I still miss him, still talk to him, hear him, smell his cologne, my youngest daughter has seen him, my older daughter smells his cologne too. He is not gone, he has just taken a vacation from this life and he is here to watch over us. Please ask God for guidence, peace, comfort, and strength. He will give it to you. He did me. Dont stop talking, we are all here for the same reason. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Take care Sue

January 3, 2005

To Everyone and Especially MOONGIRL,

MY HUSBAND DIED MAY 16TH SO THIS YEAR HAS HAD ALOT OF FIRST FOR ME....I HATED EVERYONE OF THEM. BOTH MY PARENTS DIED WITHIN 6 MONTHS OF MY HUSBAND....NEEDLESS TO SAY, LIFE REALLY WAS A CHALLENGE AND STILL IS. I CAN TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL BECAUSE ALL OF US HERE ON THIS SITE FEEL THE SAME WAY AT TIMES...SOMETIME I'M NOT SURE HOW I GOT THRU THESE LAST 7 MONTHS...I TRUELY THINK I WAS NUMB MOST OF THE TIME AND THE OTHER TIMES I WOULD CRY HYSTERICLY....I HAD TO PICK UP THE PIECES FOR MY KIDS. I WONDERED AND STILL DO....ABOUT ALL THE WHY'S THAT WE ASK...I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWERS. ALL I KNEW IS I HAD TO INVESTIGATE THE 'AFTER-LIFE', BECAUSE I HAD TO KNOW THAT THEY LIVE ON IN SPIRIT AND WE WILL MEET AGAIN. AND, I AM FINDING THAT OUT BY BOOKS I'M READING AND THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME. I SAW MY HUSBANDS FACE IN MY BEDROOM WINDOW AND HE WAS WITH ME IN A DREAM...HE WAS STANDING WITH ME IN MY DREAM AND WE WERE AT HIS CALLING HOURS LOOKING AT HIS CASKET AND HE TOLD ME "I'M NOT THERE'.....I KNOW HE ISN'T AND THAT HE IS WITH ME AND THE KIDS WATCHING OVER US. PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME THAT THRU MEDIUMSHIP AND THEY KNEW NOTHING ABOUT HIM OR US AND THEY VALIDATED THINGS. MAYBE A GOOD BOOK FOR YOU TO READ WOULD BE ....HELLO FROM HEAVEN BY BILL AND JUDY GUGGENHEIM....IT IS BASED A STUDIES AND MAYBE IT WILL HELP. WE ALL UNDERSTAND SO KEEP TELLING US HOW YOU FEEL AND GOD WILL OPEN UP NEW DOORS FOR YOU SO THAT YOU CAN GO ON...I WILL NEVER LET MY HUSBAND GO/HE WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME AND I KNOW HE IS NOT SUFFERING ANYMORE AND HE IS WITH HIS LOVED ONES THAT PASSED BEFORE HIM AND HAS PAVED A WAY FOR THE REST OF HIS FAMILY THAT HE LOVED SO DEARLY. KEEP YOUR HUSBAND'S MEMORY ALIVE FOR YOUR KIDS AND ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HIM SO THEY DON'T FORGET. ASK HIM AND GOD FOR HELP...AND OF COURSE, ALL OF US...

JOYCE, THAT LITTLE GRANDBABY LOVES YOU, WHAT A GIFT...HOLD ONTO THAT, IT'S BOB.

EVERYONE HERE, I PRAY DAILY FOR ALL OF YOU AND PLEASE KNOW YOUR ALL IN MY HEART AND IN MY PRAYERS. LOVE,

LAURA

January 4, 2005

to everyone

i didn't know this iste was here when jerry died. and i had to do it alone i found this site and found that everyone else has gone through this too it is a process and i hope for all you that you do it the right way because there is a way and it does take time and people do stir away after awhile but you make it.

the loss, shock& denial,anger,bargaining,depression,acception.they say the 3rd year is better i hope the 2nd yr is the lonelinest and i made through it god bless you all.

January 4, 2005

I guess this is to everyone. I lost my husband on the 22nd of November and don't know where to go from here. I'm 24 and have an 18 month old son and just really don't have the strength to go on. I've gone back to work and put him in daycare and I just can't seem to do enough to help with the pain. I found my husband that morning and now that's all I see and I just wish this was all a bad dream. I know he's in a better place because he had coronary artery disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, high colesterol and he hated his job, but I want him with me. The coroners said it was from falling down the stairs, but I think it was his heart, but I haven't gotten anything back yet stating what was the actual cause of death. The worst part was I didn't hear anything that morning and my bedroom is right by the stairs to the basement. I know that if it's someone's time to go, it's time, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I try to believe things will get easier, but how am I supposed to do all this alone when he's the only person I've been with for the past seven years?

January 5, 2005

Jenmulloy, I haven't posted here since October and a friend that I met here emailed me and said that I should contact you because our situation were similar. I'm 26 and lost my wife on August 6th, 15 days after our daughter was born on July 22nd. My daughter is 5 months old now. My wife died of complications stemming from the pregnancy. I woke up to the baby crying and found her lying next to me. No pulse, no breathing. I called 911 and performed CPR on her but they "officially" pronounced her dead at the hospital. I can tell you it IS tough. I have worked very hard to keep from seeing her laying in the bed next to me, not breathing. I tried very hard the first few months to see good memories, but everytime I closed my eyes the only thing I could remember was finding her and giving her CPR. It was hard on me and hard on my family. We were both teachers and I went back to work as well. Last semester was terrible, I didn't want to be at work and didn't want to leave my bedroom. Rikki and I were together for 8 years. We started dating when she was a senior in HS at 17, I was a year out and 18. We got married in 2002 and three days after our 2 year anniversary, passed away. It is going to be hard, because if you are like me, you believe in a person's one "true" love and trying to figure out how you are going to make it without that person. My little girls name is Madison. SHE is how I go on. Doesn't mean I like it, doesn't mean I don't have anger and hurt. But for her sake I HAVE to go on and so will you. Your son is your connection to him, as Madison is my connection to my wife. I posted here many times after it all happened. Please feel free to go look at those posts in "I miss her so," I'm sure we have and will feel many of the same things. Hopefully, I can be as much support for you as others on this site have been for me. It always seems that there aren't others who have gone through this, but there are. I found it helpful to me to keep a journal. I write my feelings, thoughts, or events in the journal knowing that one day my daughter will read the journal and get a perspective on how much her mother meant to me and what she and I both felt about Madison. I go out to the cemetary to write, so many times I am crying... I just let the tears hit the pages so Madison will know just how much her mother meant to me. Please know that there are others here that have been through similar situations and that we are here. Don't hesitate to email me if you ever need someone just to vent too. There are many here who did that for me when I got here in September and I probably wouldn't have made it without them. I will be thinking about you and your son.

Chris

January 5, 2005

Laura and Everyone,

I am reading the posts tonight and I am crying for all of us.

As you all know, Bob passed june 27th. I have done the grief

thing and I have a hospice grief couselor.

I envy those here who have younger children to take care of

and those who have jobs to go to, because it gives you

something to do. I am disabled, my children are grown with

families of their own and I am waiting for SSD.

My children are very supportive, but it isnt the same as

when they were young.

I have my days when I am so depressed that I feel as

though my life is over; then I have days when I feel as

though I am okay.Then I have days when I have to help one

of my grandchildren through this.

My youngest grandaughter, Jay, who had a hard time leaving

me New Years night is so extremely close to me as she was

to my husband. Well, I told my hospice counselor about what

happened and he told me something that I hadnt thought of:

He thinks that because Jay was used to seeing me and Bob

at our house in NJ; then we moved to PA (because of his

cancer) and he left. She maybe in her mind, blaming me for

his leaving and now she is afraid that I will leave her too.

I guess for a 2 1.2 year old that would be logical thinking.

For the past few days, I have been trying to make sense

of everything and I cant. I am now wondering if I am really

coping okay or if I am avoiding facing the fact that Bob

is no longer here with me. I dont know, but what I do know

is that when I woke up on the second of January, I woke up

gasping for air. I couldnt remember any dream; but I felt

as though I was dying and couldnt breathe.

I dont know, maybe Jay just set me off again. But I am

again feeling that lonely, sadness that wont go away.

and I dont know what to do. My sons cant afford to get

my van fixed right now, so I dont have transportation

and therefore, I sit in my room all day and night and this

isnt good. I guess that tomorrow, I will start putting

Bobs things on ebay and try to sell enough to get my van

fixed.

But to those of you who feel the loss, and we all do,

I talk to Bob every day, I tell him what is happening

and what I have done and what I plan on doing.

I have two more granchildren to help with their grief

when it hits them. I just never expected Jay to be hit

as hard as she has been.

This really sucks, but it is part of life and we all

are going through the same feelings. Someone said to

me that it is harder to lose a loved one quickly because

they dont get to say good bye. I watched my husband in

his pain and I have to tell you that I felt every bit of

his pain for those 11 months and I watched him deteriorate

in front of my eyes (not leaving him to go anywhere) and

it hurt so much. No matter how a person goes, it is just

as hard on those left behind. That is why I am so grateful

for this site; because everyone here understands what I am

going through. My friends dont understand because they havent

lost a spouse.

Thank you, everyone for all your support

God Bless

Joyce

To Everyone and Especially MOONGIRL,
MY HUSBAND DIED MAY 16TH SO THIS YEAR HAS HAD ALOT OF FIRST FOR ME....I HATED EVERYONE OF THEM. BOTH MY PARENTS DIED WITHIN 6 MONTHS OF MY HUSBAND....NEEDLESS TO SAY, LIFE REALLY WAS A CHALLENGE AND STILL IS. I CAN TOTALLY UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL BECAUSE ALL OF US HERE ON THIS SITE FEEL THE SAME WAY AT TIMES...SOMETIME I'M NOT SURE HOW I GOT THRU THESE LAST 7 MONTHS...I TRUELY THINK I WAS NUMB MOST OF THE TIME AND THE OTHER TIMES I WOULD CRY HYSTERICLY....I HAD TO PICK UP THE PIECES FOR MY KIDS. I WONDERED AND STILL DO....ABOUT ALL THE WHY'S THAT WE ASK...I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWERS. ALL I KNEW IS I HAD TO INVESTIGATE THE 'AFTER-LIFE', BECAUSE I HAD TO KNOW THAT THEY LIVE ON IN SPIRIT AND WE WILL MEET AGAIN. AND, I AM FINDING THAT OUT BY BOOKS I'M READING AND THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME. I SAW MY HUSBANDS FACE IN MY BEDROOM WINDOW AND HE WAS WITH ME IN A DREAM...HE WAS STANDING WITH ME IN MY DREAM AND WE WERE AT HIS CALLING HOURS LOOKING AT HIS CASKET AND HE TOLD ME "I'M NOT THERE'.....I KNOW HE ISN'T AND THAT HE IS WITH ME AND THE KIDS WATCHING OVER US. PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME THAT THRU MEDIUMSHIP AND THEY KNEW NOTHING ABOUT HIM OR US AND THEY VALIDATED THINGS. MAYBE A GOOD BOOK FOR YOU TO READ WOULD BE ....HELLO FROM HEAVEN BY BILL AND JUDY GUGGENHEIM....IT IS BASED A STUDIES AND MAYBE IT WILL HELP. WE ALL UNDERSTAND SO KEEP TELLING US HOW YOU FEEL AND GOD WILL OPEN UP NEW DOORS FOR YOU SO THAT YOU CAN GO ON...I WILL NEVER LET MY HUSBAND GO/HE WILL ALWAYS BE WITH ME AND I KNOW HE IS NOT SUFFERING ANYMORE AND HE IS WITH HIS LOVED ONES THAT PASSED BEFORE HIM AND HAS PAVED A WAY FOR THE REST OF HIS FAMILY THAT HE LOVED SO DEARLY. KEEP YOUR HUSBAND'S MEMORY ALIVE FOR YOUR KIDS AND ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HIM SO THEY DON'T FORGET. ASK HIM AND GOD FOR HELP...AND OF COURSE, ALL OF US...
JOYCE, THAT LITTLE GRANDBABY LOVES YOU, WHAT A GIFT...HOLD ONTO THAT, IT'S BOB.
EVERYONE HERE, I PRAY DAILY FOR ALL OF YOU AND PLEASE KNOW YOUR ALL IN MY HEART AND IN MY PRAYERS. LOVE,
LAURA

January 6, 2005

Hi to everyone...Joyce, I too can understand how you feel. It will be a year that Jerry has been gone in Feb. It doesnt seem like it has already been that long. It just seems like yesterday. I can still remember the day that he died and the visitation as well as the funeral. My youngest daughter has been dealing with separation anxiety, if I go away and she stays with a relative, she is calling me freq. to make sure that I am alright or if she just goes to spend the night, usually she is unable to stay and has to come home. She is very afraid that something will happen to me, like it did her dad and then she will have no one. Maybe, even at 2 1/2, that is what your grandaughter is feeling? This is a hard road to travel, no one knows unless they have lived it and walked in our shoes. I am fortunate to have good friends that are very supportative and also family. I have had to quit my job due to health reasons that I had ignored and thought that they were just related to stress. Well the stress wasnt helping any so I am just relaxing and unwinding. Taking care of me because I am all that my girls have. We have all come a long way here. We have supported each other and lifted each other up when we needed it. I am very thankful for this site and for all of you here that have uplifted my spirit when I needed it. Thanks to all of you. Everyone take care. Gods peace, comfort and also strength to all. Sue

January 6, 2005

Cvaughan598, I read some of your other messages and a lot of the same things go through my head. My family is everywhere, I have no family locally, so Im surrounded by his family. I've had people tell me, you're so young, you'll move on and find someone who'll love you and treat Brady as his own. I want to hit them and scream at them and just tell them how much they aren't helping. His family tried to get me to sign over responsibility to them so they could make arrangements. Part of his family was angry cause I didn't do a viewing and an ex girlfriend of his tried to convince my step daughter that he was in love with her and not me. All within days of his death. So not only do I hurt, but I can't understand why all these people would do this, especially right now when the pain is still strong it feels like it will never go away. For seven years we were always together and I kept thinking if only I had woken up in time to do something. I can say at this point I know God has a plan for all of us and it was his time to go, but I also want to be selfish and say I need him more. I guess you take forgranted something that's been there for as long as you remember when you just assume you'll grow old and gray with them. I also found it ironic that you said your little girls name was Madison. I told Brad that if we had a girl I wanted her name to be Madison Elizabeth. Brad and I didn't agree with any baby names and I, of course, won out in the end with Brady. Brad told me just a few weeks prior to his death how spoiled I was cause I finally convinced him we needed to get a bigger car, that of course we couldn't afford, which now I'm stuck making the payments. I've had a lot of weird things happen the past few weeks, sometimes I think I'm going crazy and I really haven't felt like I had anyone to talk to cause I don't know anyone who understands just how empty I feel right now. You know, it's the absolute worst feeling in the world to be surrounded by a huge group of people and feel so alone. I think widow and I can't register it. Mail still comes and I have our wedding video and a video camera tape that has clips from over a year ago. We got married on my 18th birthday, July 4, 1998. He was ten years older than me and he's the only love I've ever known. I feel like it wouldn't be fair to date anyone else ever for the pure fact that they aren't him and will never measure up in my mind to the love Brad and I share.

January 6, 2005

jenmulloy, I got hit with the your so young before I had the memorial service! She died on Friday and I got hit with it on Sunday... Didn't have the memorial service until Monday! Rikki always wanted to be cremated so that is what I did. I caught hell from my family because of it. She didn't have much family but she was very close to her mother and I still am. She even keeps Madison for me during the day while I'm teaching and coaching. My grandparents came down and stayed at my house for Thanksgiving because I told them I wasn't doing anything that Rikki and I did together. I couldn't handle it. I got home from work one night and my grandfather asks me if there are any good looking single teachers at my school? Then my great grandmother who was also down... Asks if I'm going to have any more kids! This was in my house! I couldn't leave, so I just went to my room and shut the door. When I talked with my grandmother about it, she said that they could see past all the hurt and that God provides. I had to bite my tongue on that one, because he wouldn't have to if he didn't take away. Family is very hard, I also had one of my family members ask if I meet someone and get married again if I wanted Madison to call that person Mom. I almost stroked out! I've said from the jump that Madison will know who her mother is as best as I can let her know. I let her hold a frame with a 5x7 picture of her mother and say mama with her. Because most people in our families have not been through this, they don't know what to say and when they open their mouths, something stupid always manages to come out. I relied on everyone that posts here to vent and talk about what people said and issues that I was having.

I guess I was fortunate, I didn't have anyone suggest me giving up Madison. I have heard of similar issues though. My aunt's first husband died in a car wreck when she was 2 months pregnant. His and her parents suggested she have a abortion or give the baby up for adoption. She didn't thankfully and her daughter is now my cousin since she married into my family. Between her and this website, I'm not sure if I could have made it this far.

I still think about what could have happened if I had woke up sooner. Or did she try to get my attention and I didn't wake up and could have saved her. Those thoughts will be in my head forever I think. I have been fortunate that she has come to me in dreams. I also wasn't a believer in ghosts and contacts, but that has changed too. I will tell you about those some other time.

As for names, Rikki and I argued about names too... For a boy it was going to be named after me since I have a family name... Girls where easier, she liked Madison, I liked Mackenzie... Guess what her name is? Madison Mackenzie!

As for spoiled, I did the same to Rikki. Whatever she wanted she got. If it meant I had to work 10 jobs I would have done it... Only got to two, but that isn't the point. If she needed or wanted something, I made sure she had it. Now Madison will get that treatment, because I can't give it to Rikki.

I do know the widow(er) feeling. I hate it! I spent a month not answering the phone, door, anything. Just because I didn't want to talk to anyone! I only posted here and talked with new found friends here that knew what I was feeling.

The empty feeling is normal and part of the process. It is less for me now than before, because as Madison gets older she looks more and more like her mother. Absolutely beautiful. Today is 5 months to the day of Rikki's passing and I don't feel as empty as I have. Doesn't mean I don't, but you take the tears and pain and you deal with it. Knowing there ARE others that are going through it with you. I watch our wedding tape quite often... Anything that has her voice really. I kept her cell phone active because our service is cheaper with two phones than one, figure eventually I can use it for Madison's babysitters or for Madison when she is old enough to have one. I call it weekly just to hear her voice if only for a few seconds. Just to feel more like she is with me. I know she is because of some of the strange occurances that I have had as well. The only tapes I have of her are our wedding tapes, and the tape of us leaving the hospital that her parents took. Fortunately, I had several pictures of Rikki and Madison together so that will help me down the road. I did family portraits and pictures not long ago and it didn't seem right taking pictures with Madison and not having her mother there. It downright hurt. I still get mail too, I'm just starting to get all of her debts paid and the bills entirely in my name. That has been difficult. Telling the person on the other end of the phone that Rikki is deceased and they are looking at the screen seeing that she was only 25.

As for the never seeing yourself with anyone else... I'm am dealing with that too. I told you about my family, and the whole you are so young... Absolutely irritating. See here is my thought on why I will never be married again. Whoever puts up with my crap, has to take on Madison as well. Besides that, Madison will know as much of her mother as I can share. I have her wedding dress boxed in my closet, pictures all over the house, on my computers, her pillows in my bed, I will NOT separate myself from that for Madison.

As you will probably find, many of your other "couple" friends with disapear because they don't know what to say. All of ours did. I have had to make new friends to talk to, of course, none of them understand what I am going through which is why the people you meet here are so important. Please continue to share as it WILL make you feel better knowing there are others. I will continue to post and write as long as I'm needed here. Heck, it helps me through the process as well. My thoughts are with you all.

Chris

January 6, 2005

To Everyone and Jenmulloy, Sillygirl and Joyce,

I know exactly how everyone here feels! And, where did all our friends go? We have to forgive them as I think this all hit very close to home for them and they don't know how to deal with it all...they do not want to look at their own mortality so they stay away/or they say really dumb things because they don't know what we are all going thru. One thing for sure is I know we don't have control of these bad things that happen because we all know here we would never choose for such a thing to happen. The hard part is that we couldn't save our loved ones no matter what we did to try! I guess god has a plan for all of us and god will not abandon us and he comforts those who mourn, remember that. And, try and remember that all of our loved ones who have "passed on" are in a peaceful place without pain or sickness and await the day that we will all meet again...There is nothing to fear because they did the work for us to ready a place for us to meet again. They are in the white light!

CHRIS, you are doing a great job and I know you are a terrific dad and Rikki would be so proud to say you are Madison's dad.

JENMULLOY, I am glad Chris found you and you found this site. You two have so very much in common and the fact that you are both very young and having to go thru this will help you both support one another.Keep writing us and you will never be judged negatively and nothing you will feel is wrong!

Joyce, You are doing great and when you S/S goes thru it will help you with your independance again. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger! And, I can see you are getting stronger. That is o.k. it doesn't mean will ever forget our lovers!

SILLYGIRL, My daughter is 12 and she is still sleeping with me in my bed and when I'm away and never far she always calls me and will just ask "Where Are You". And, my 15 yr. old son always stays home because I think he doesn't want me to be alone...I know they worry.....You have the right idea by staying home and taking care of yourself thru this transition. I know we all put our own health on the back burner when we took care of our husband and now we are playing "catch up".

A site I just found I think maybe some of you will be interested in...www.dianeross.com

God bless you all and just today let's think about where our loved ones are...a bright light of a place, with god, with family, pain and sickness free abd watching and longing to be with us and hoping our suffering will ease....I love you all and thank you all for supporting me thru the worst time of my life.........Laura

January 7, 2005

Cvaughan598

I have had a lot of people say stupid things. At the time I blew them off, but then an hours or so later, I began to just get so angry and hurt that people had the guts to ask the stupid things they did. I know that perspectively all the people I know well don't have any comprehension of what Im going through at all and I do understand that. Brad and I were the first couple to be married out of one side of our friends, the first to have a baby, we were always the couple that everyone said was perfect. We gave each other crap all the time and people who didn't know us probably thought we were fighting, but it was just us,picking and calling each other names, that's how it always was. I remember one of his best friends telling us before he got married that he hoped his marriage turned out to be as good as ours. We were both in his wedding cause his wife is a great friend of mine, so we got to walk down the aisle again in September of 2002, the same month we found out about Brady.

You are right about your friends trailing away though, cause I haven't heard from them in weeks. Brad was such the center of attention. People just flocked around him. I don't think there was a person in Denver who didn't know him, or at least of him. I've made new friends at work and there is one ladey there who lost her husband when he was 30 and she had two young boys. Her perspective is like a future perspective, although I hope in thirty years I'm not isolated from the world. I know I have to be strong for Brady and I'm really afraid if I didn't have him I just wouldn't bother. That sounds awful, but that's how I've felt since all this happens.

My friend Kim lost two husbands, one from an OD and the other from an accident. She was telling me how sorry she was and how it gets easier and about her husbands and all. Then right after her telling me this she asks me if im going to have more kids. I think my jaw dropped to the floor and she immediately said after seeing my reaction that life throws curves or something to that effect and you get up and move on. I don't know if she's ever grieved. She proceeded to tell me she wasn't going to go to her first husbands funeral until his dad called and yelled at her. I guess Im confused about that one.

The second person was a lady I work with. She came up and asked me if Brad got up and walked around after he fell. I don't know if I told you, but they ruled cause of death as a skull fracture with an underlying puncture wound to the brain due to falling down the stairs. I always thought when you fell going up the stairs you fall forward, but he was on his back. Brad had a lot of medical conditions, so I'm not completely convinced and I haven't gotten a full autopsy yet. Then a short time later she asked if they did an autopsy and I said yes, but I wouldn't get a full report for a few weeks still. Then she sais, Oh my god, is he still in the morgue? I don't know, I know Im sensitive to some things more than others, but that just absolutely floored me.

I also had another friend who tried to convince me he killed himself. I know Brad and he loved his kids and I know he loved me and when someone says something anymore, even if I know better, I can't help but stop and question it.

I call brads work all the time at night. We went on vacation the week before he died and I thank god for that time we had together. He left a work message that they never changed so I call just to hear him. I feel like Im forgetting his voice and I long to hear I love you. Everytime we got on the phone before we hung up during the day we always made it a point to say it and now I can't hear it and just to hear his voice brings some sort of sanity back to me when I feel like Im losing it.

Only you know exactly what she wanted and you should never let anyone feel like you made a wrong decision. Brad knew I wanted to be cremated, but now since he wasn't, cause I know he didn't want to be, I've changed my tune. So many of his family members have said they know I am sitting on a lot of money and I could have afforded to do more. I'd like to see all this money. A lot of his family and friends told me they knew him longer than me. So??? There are so many things about a lot of people that he told me intimate things about that I'd never repeat because of a little thing called respect. And I've been so tempted to tell some of these people what Brad really thought about them, but I haven't because they deserve to cherish the good memories. They didn't have kids with him and he didn't confide in them for anything, so what if they've know him longer, they obviously didn't know him, know him if they are being crappy to me. I did tell a few people that if they didn't think he couldn't see them being nasty to me know, they are sadly mistaken. You'd think, of all times, they'd have some kind of respect for your feelings and try and be supportive.

Both my grandfathers have lost their wives, my moms dad has lost two, so they have been really understanding. They haven't bombarded me with calls, but they've taken the time to make sure I'm ok. They understand that sometimes you just want to be alone and crying goes with the territory. I'm so grateful that there are people that relate, even though the circumstances are so awful and numbing. There is nothing worse than feeling alone and helpless.

I find solice in the fact that Brad is in a better place. I really believe he hurt more than he'd admit to me because he hated me worrying about him. He had coronary artery disease and had heart surgery in March of 2002. They then found type 2 diabetes while he was in the hospital, on top of high blood pressure, high cholesteral and a few other things. He said his feet hurt all the time, like they went numb and that he got shooting pains all over just out of the blue and they became more and more frequent. He rarely ever complained, but I really think it was worse than he'd ever let me know. He hated his job and now Im doing what he used to do and I really understand the stress and demand and hatred for the position sometimes.

My big dilemma right now is going home. I moved here to be with him and my mom and friends are 1000 miles away. I don't want to do anything drastic too soon, but the more his family is nasty, the more it pushes me away and toward my mom and friends. I feel like the only reason they want me here is because of my little man. They don't want to lose the last piece of him that will ever be and I never felt like they cared a whole lot for me from the beginning because I was so young when we met.

I don't know, all I know is that I have to do what is best for me and my son. I've worried about everyone else but me for so long, now I need my focus to be on the welfare of me and my son. For the short time I've been on this site, I really feel a little comfort and look forward to the site at the end of my endless days.

January 7, 2005

jenmulloy,

GIVE YOURSELF AT LEAST ONE YEAR BEFORE YOU MAKE ANY MAJOR DECISIONS....AND, ONLY YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART WHAT THE TRUTH ABOUT EVERYTHING IS. YOUR HUSBAND WAS WITH YOU BECAUSE HE LOVED YOU NOT THE ONES HE KNEW LONGER. TAKE CARE AND KEEP WRITING......LAURA

January 7, 2005

jenmulloy, our situations are eerily similar! I guess because we are both so young and society and our families/friends have certain expectations of how our life was supposed to go. I can attest to "sitting" on money that doesn't exist too. I will agree with Laura on the moving. But only you can decide what is best for you and Brady. I thought about selling the house Rikki and I had JUST bought and moving somewhere else. The more I thought about it, the more I couldn't help but here Rikki's voice when we decided to move there because of the neighborhood and deciding that is where we wanted to raise our family. Moving Madison now just wasn't the right decision for me. Believe me; I've had those thoughts too. I've always wanted to live in Charlottesville, Virginia and I almost sold my house and moved there in the fall, right after she passed. It was irrational and it wouldn't have been a good idea... Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to influence you either way because you need to be around people who are going to be supportive, not destructive in your life right now.

I work with two other teachers, one man and one woman that lost there spouses. One was killed in a wreck and one lost a long fight with cancer. They try to help as much as possible and they do sometimes, just by stopping by to say hello. But they are much older and had different situations than I did. By all means they still know the loss as do all of the other posters here, but to be so young and to lose someone that unexpectedly. Our lives had just begun together and were going so well with no problems except during the pregnancy. By all means that doesn’t mean that those who had to watch their loved ones deteriorate in front of their eyes haven’t felt the same emptiness and loss. Honestly, if I had to lose her I would have wanted her to go this way because she went peacefully in her sleep. We think. The autopsy didn’t show anything significant that would have killed her.

As for the people making comments about knowing him longer… Exactly how does that matter? It doesn’t and like Laura told me when people make stupid comments to me, come up with a good one line comeback and just make them eat their foot… As for your lady that apparently hadn’t grieved, maybe she never truly loved either. There are people on this site that have been dealing with their grief for a long time… Many that struggle to go on day to day, yet alone look into the future. Then again, maybe her situation was terribly different from ours in some way. Who knows?

I lost an aunt to a long battle with cancer and Rikki’s grandmother all within two months of losing Rikki. Her grandmother had a long hospital stay that they just couldn’t figure out exactly what happened. My mother in law lost her oldest daughter and her mother within two months of each other. So it was a rough time for the family. I’m very fortunate; they still consider me family and expect me to be at all the family functions.

Please know that I am thinking about you because of the very similar situations we are, have, and will experience together apparently. Yesterday was 5 months to the day and it wasn’t a good day. I expect there will be many more of those, but what can I do? I go on for my Madison and that is it. Like you jenmulloy, if not for my little one, I probably wouldn’t be able to go on or probably wouldn’t be here to go on. For her sake, I will and thanks to those here I can.

January 8, 2005

Cvaughan598

Today was different. I woke up a little more at peace today than I think I have since I lost Brad. I saw him vividly in my dreams last night on a few seperate occassions. I don't sleep well, as I'm sure everyone here on the site goes through or has gone through, but each time I went back to sleep I saw him in different instances, plain as day. Almost like I was really with him, but then you wake up and you start your whole routine again. I had to make finalized plans on his headstone. I had the plan in writing and just couldn't believe I was actually making that decision.

Have you ever had anyone tell you that your grieving is wrong? I had a friend tell me that I seemed to be doing pretty good for someone who just lost their husband. I guess I don't know what the correct way to grieve is, but maybe I'm not crying enough, although I know I've done enough of that to fill oceans to come. Or maybe I smiled once or twice. I don't know, maybe I'm just getting used to stupid comments from people cause I didn't even honor that one with a response, I just turned away and ignored them.

I'm reading a book that doesn't make me feel so crazy when I think strange things are going on around here. I guess reading, knowing someone else had similar experiences makes me feel better. I want so badly to see him again and everybody knows that, so they tell me I'm crazy, that Im grasping at some kind of hope, but I don't think I am. I mean, I have to stay somewhat sane to make sure Brady is taken care of.

As for moving, I need to be out of this house, not out of state just yet, but not living with my mother-in-law anymore. I need to feel like I have control of the one thing that means the most to me in my life and that's Brady. His family just assumes they can do whatever with him since I'm living here and I hate that. I am his mother and they do have to ask. I don't know, maybe I'm being nasty, but he's mine and I refuse to let someone, especially his family, take him from me.

So I do accounting and deal with dates and loan payoff quotes and find myself scrolling through months of years and thinking he was alive then, and then, and then, then he was gone. I find so many little things that I drive myself crazy with. A pen, the stupidest fight we ever got in was because of a pen. I just can't get my mind to shift and focus on anything else for more than five minutes and if I do, I feel guilty.

Brad's niece was watching Brady until Brad died. Leigh then told me that she couldn't continue watching him unless I paid her and at the time I didn't know where I stood, I still really don't because of paperwork I'm waiting for, but still, she wouldn't help me out unless I could guarantee her being paid. Anyway, so I get him in a daycare center up the street for only 25 more a week than I was paying her and my mother in law told her, so now all the sudden she can watch him, as long as I pay her the same. I told her no thanks and that I don't need her help. I asked her to watch him about a week before I got him in this daycare and she told me she didn't have any food in the house so she didn't know what she'd do for food for him. She has a 7 year old and a one year old and she doesn't have food in the house? Give me a break.

I don't know, I guess I keep thinking it should be getting easier and things just keep piling up. All these people who tell you to call them and let them know if you need help are turning their backs and acting like they can't hear you. Why offer if you don't mean it? I guess I'm leaving tonight with the hopes that a little bit of sun shines tomorrow cause it feels like I'm drowning in this flood right now.

January 8, 2005

Hey Sillygirl and Joyce,

Haven't heard from you guys in a couple days so just letting you know I'm thinking of ya's and hoping everything is o.k. I am doing o.k. but always finding myself never knowing what each new day will bring no matter how hard I try. I hate this grieving business...it hurts so much! I think I will always be in a state to a degree that I will never believe he is gone. Life is so fragile and things happen randomly without our consent. Sometimes, I think how am I going to get thru the rest of my life without him and then I stop myself and think, boy am I taking life for granted that I will live a long life because I only have TODAY! I have no control of things to come only god does and I pray that someday I will come to understand why these things happen. I am trying to regain my faith and I am trying to keep an open heart to all those who can't call me and support me thru what is the toughest time of my life because they can't deal with it or they think I'm inendated with support???? It is definitely the lonliest road I have ever had to travel.....I guess that is why my favorite scripture is, THE NARROW GATE in Matthew. My husband said many times that he feels like he was carrying the cross just like Jesus did which broke my heart, now I feel like it's my cross to bear! Please try and have a good day and god bless everyone!.Laura

January 9, 2005

I read all the entries to these sights and feel a little better knowing I'm not alone when I feel all these different emotions since Brad has been gone. I know that the circumstances on how we all relate would be changed if we could change them, but it's nice to know there are people I can talk to and know they really, really understand and know what I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel like some of my friends think I should be over my emotions right now because they can't comprehend how huge the changes in my life have become. All my friends are in their twenties and early thirties and never felt a significant loss in their lives, so I understand that point of view to an extent. At twenty four it's hard not to feel a sense of hopelessness at this point. Sometimes I really feel that if I didn't have my son, I'd have no use for life anymore. I know God has a plan for everyone, but I can't help but feel like my plan, our plans, in life was more important. I make it through the days and feel like I can do it, but then I wake up every morning with a huge emptiness that just makes me not even want to try. After seven years of having him with me I guess I just assumed I would always have the same face to wake up to and grow old with that I never even thought for a moment I'd have to live with out him so early on in life. I almost lost him in 2002 to heart problems and thought that was the worst thing I'd ever have to go through with him because he bounced back so well, then we found out about Brady in September of 2002 after years of trying for a baby and things just seemed like they couldn't get better. I try to think of how to explain to him why his daddy isn't around and the very thought of it breaks my heart. In a way I'm grateful he's so young that it doesn't affect him the way it does everyone else, but on another note, he'll never know first hand just how wonderful his father was. It's hard not to hate life and get angry with the world above when you feel like you just can't go on. But, I'm taking it minute by minute and hour by hour and there isn't a second anything I do, say or think about doesn't some how tie into my grieving and memories. The love of my life is gone and I have to wait, what seems like an eternity everyday, until I see him again.

January 9, 2005

Laura...Hey, well sorry that I havent posted in a few days but I have been busy. Trying to study for my online course and find a new job has just keep me busy but all is ok with me. I went to the cemetary today and thought to myself that it is so sad, everytime I visit, I am like the only one in the whole cemetary, I thought, doesnt anyone else miss their loved ones? My online courses have really helped me understand why I felt the way that I did or why other people said or did the things they did. It is amazing how ignorant some people are to death and dying as well as grief. Well anyway, now that I have said all that, I hope that you are well and doing ok, I also still keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and God bless you. Sue

January 10, 2005

Jenmulloy,

Let me say this about your friends who think you should be "over" your grief. Until they have lost the love of their lives, they can't say squat... You know what they say about opinions anyway... Everybody has one! I will leave the rest of that phrase out for editing purposes. I have been through and am going through the if not for my kid thing. If not for Madison, I probably would have done something to myself. But Rikki came to me in a dream, laying in bed with me talking the way we always did. She told me that I had to be strong and take care of Madison. That was hard in itself because she always wanted children and when she had one, she was taken away. Makes life and our situations hard to comprehend. Another gentleman I met on this site said take one step at a time and put one foot in front of the other and see where it goes from there. It is never going to be easy for us. I have struggled with doctor's appointments, the first time Madison rolled over, the first time she smiled... All things that Rikki missed seeing on this earth. I stay angry at the world above because he provided so many things for us... Then in one swoop took it all away. I would give up my house, my car, my job, everything just to have my "family" back. That is what I always wanted not to be a single father but to have a family. You will find that you will progressively get better, but you will never be the way you were. Milestones for your little one will hurt, anniversary dates will hurt... But you cry your eyes out, regain your composure and go on with life only for the one that matters... Your little one. I miss my Rikki and one of these days I will see her again. As a believer, I have never been so ready for the revelation to begin... I know then that my family would be together again, for eternity this time. Peace and love is all I can hope for in all of us. You are in my thoughts.

I read all the entries to these sights and feel a little better knowing I'm not alone when I feel all these different emotions since Brad has been gone. I know that the circumstances on how we all relate would be changed if we could change them, but it's nice to know there are people I can talk to and know they really, really understand and know what I'm feeling. Sometimes I feel like some of my friends think I should be over my emotions right now because they can't comprehend how huge the changes in my life have become. All my friends are in their twenties and early thirties and never felt a significant loss in their lives, so I understand that point of view to an extent. At twenty four it's hard not to feel a sense of hopelessness at this point. Sometimes I really feel that if I didn't have my son, I'd have no use for life anymore. I know God has a plan for everyone, but I can't help but feel like my plan, our plans, in life was more important. I make it through the days and feel like I can do it, but then I wake up every morning with a huge emptiness that just makes me not even want to try. After seven years of having him with me I guess I just assumed I would always have the same face to wake up to and grow old with that I never even thought for a moment I'd have to live with out him so early on in life. I almost lost him in 2002 to heart problems and thought that was the worst thing I'd ever have to go through with him because he bounced back so well, then we found out about Brady in September of 2002 after years of trying for a baby and things just seemed like they couldn't get better. I try to think of how to explain to him why his daddy isn't around and the very thought of it breaks my heart. In a way I'm grateful he's so young that it doesn't affect him the way it does everyone else, but on another note, he'll never know first hand just how wonderful his father was. It's hard not to hate life and get angry with the world above when you feel like you just can't go on. But, I'm taking it minute by minute and hour by hour and there isn't a second anything I do, say or think about doesn't some how tie into my grieving and memories. The love of my life is gone and I have to wait, what seems like an eternity everyday, until I see him again.

January 10, 2005

Cvaughan598 and everyone else here,

I feel the same as you...and I get to the point where the pressure mounts and I just have to have a hard belly wrenching cry and then the pressure is released and I walk on. I can only explain it that it starts in my stomach and by the time it hits my throat it has to come out...all the feelings associated with loosing my husband, the kids father and our lives as we once knew it. We all need to pray for each other as I really do think our loved ones are all together rooting for all of us to feel better and survive this awful time. I love you all....god bless......Laura

January 12, 2005

So Im in a major dilemma right now. I have a step daughter who has very rarely seen her mother in the seven years Brad and I were together. She has three children, and only one in her custody and is now pregnant. She called Regi today to let her know she's giving this child up for adoption and without thinking I said I would adopt the baby. Over the years I watched Regi's heart torn out because of her mothers actions and I keep thinking if I can keep the only part of her family since her Dad is gone together, then that's good, right? I don't know. HELP!!!!

It isn't the factor that I couldn't do it, I know I could, I just don't know where I want to be right now. I know if Brad was still here, she'd probably have asked us to take him/her. I don't know how far along she is and I don't know the sex of the baby. I also know she's been known to do drugs. I do know that I want to see Regi happy again and that losing her Dad was hard enough and now a third sibling who she'll never know if someone else takes the baby just breaks her heart. I really wish people like that just used more precaution. The baby's daddy is in jail and for an undetermined amount of time.

I'm not sure how Brad would react. I don't know how he'd feel raising his ex's child. I do know that we did talk about adopting because of the difficulties we had having Brady, so the mom shouldn't make a difference in that case I wouldn't think. I don't know, I really don't. Please, please throw some advice my way.

January 12, 2005

I have been reading posts here. My beloved died Dec. 29. I have been comforted by reading the posts here and realizing that the crazy bursts of anger and restlessness, etc are felt by others. Also, it scared me since so many still greive after a year. Or that you seem to get better but then slip back down again. He was my soulmate. I never believed in love at first sight or "connections" before Jeff. And now he is gone and I can barely make it through the day. He would have homemade croutons baking in the oven when I would get to his house after work. He would get me a pillow to relax and kiss my hand. He would talk me through the stressful days at work and now I am lost. I have no desire to really be alive now. I just cant believe he is gone when he was only 42. I dread this year as we had so many plans. San Diego in Feb. Valentines day. The balloon festival in April. Living together by Christmas. Sometimes I just sit here and shake my head because I can't really believe he is gone. Sometimes it just hits me like a punch in the stomach. I find mornings really hard because I have to remember each mornign that there won't be a good morning message on my computer and I won't be getting any text messages.

I admire each and everyone of you because I never realized how hard and so hellish it is to lose a soulmate. I feel like we need to wear badges of some sort. Today is the first day I have managed to not totally break down and sob and wail. I cried a few times. But I didn't break down and wail.

I will never meet a man so utterly perfect for me ever again. I would melt when he smiled at me and we had a connection the first time we laid eyes on eachother. I feel so lonely and miserable because i know that will never happen again and he was taken from me before we could fullfill all of our plans.

So many have said wonderful things in the posts here. thank you.

January 12, 2005

I have been reading the messages for about a month and this place is so comforting in that you have put into words everything that I have been feeling. My special man died in May, so it nearly 8 months. So much heartache, I still cry every day, mostly when I am driving my van for some reason. I still have memories of the last days and hours that haunt me almost daily. What I would give to see him one more time. I have been going to a bereavement group again the past couple of weeks but I don't know if that is the answer? Also, I have a friend who lost her mate a few months ago and we talk, but it is all so strange. I don't know what I am looking for, or what I am expecting. I do know that I feel like my right arm has been cut off and I wonder if it will be possible for me to ever feel whole again. Will I get back the enthusiasm, curiosity and that fire in the belly that I used to have? For sure, nobody would ever even come close to him so another relationship is not what I want. Maybe all this hurts so much because I was a nobody before I met him and now I feel like a nobody again. My mother died the year before and this hurts so much more, probably because he was the one that I made the memories with? I am sorry to ramble.

January 12, 2005

Dear Pandora and Haystack,

Welcome Aboard! We all need each other here and this site has helped me more than I can say. It also has been 8 months for me as my husband "passed" in May. Notice I always say "passed" because he did not die and I believe his spirit lives on and he is always with me. I know the heartache both of you are feeling. In the beginning I think I was just numb and sometimes I still am. My goal was to just get sleeping thru the night so I could increase my energy. Even with that I am still very tired but I have three teenagers that keep me going and focused as best I can. I am trying herbs to help with anxiety. This grieving is very difficult especially when you have lost your "soulmate" like all of us here have. No-one could ever know unless they have experienced it first hand. It will take a long time and I don't think we will ever fully recover from such a loss. But, we all need to put one foot in front of the other and find the support we need to go on. In the beginning it was hard because the kids required so much of me but now I can look back and see what a blessing they all are for me...I see their dad in each of them! When I close my eyes I can see my husband and I cry but I also know he is right here with me. We were soulmates, best friends and I still can't believe I have to go on without him...I cry each and everyday and now that the numbness is wearing off and reality has hit I think depression is setting in but who wouldn't be? We all need each other here so both of you guys keep writing your feeling and know you will be supported. There is no right or wrong way of grieving....and many stages to get thru...don't think of the time it will take as that frustrated me to...we live in an instant gratification society but with this there is no easy way.I think we grieve like we loved...very deeply! So we have to be thorough, I will "NEVER" let my sweet husband go and he will always be a part of me. We will all do what is right for us and that is what's right for me. You are all in my thoughts and prayers....and yes, I am just beginning to be able to pray again as my faith has been tested here. I am growing in my faith and beliefs and they are definitely different than before. I don't believe in religion but in faith and spirituality and only god knows what is in your heart! He will not abandon us and he will comfort us who mourn. And, remember our "soulmates" are in the most beautiful light and are pain free and disease free and they live on! Keep writing and know nothing you feel will be judged here.

JOYCE....I am thinking of you always and know you are in my thoughts daily...your Bob is right there and I know you will be o.k.

SILLYGIRL.....I know your anniversay of loosing your dear husband is coming soon. Keep thinking all your positive thoughts that you do and it will be o.k. You have given me so much positive energy here.

God bless you all.

Laura

January 12, 2005

Thank you Lauraa and my thoughts are with you also Haystack. I cry now when I hear about someone else losing their partner. I think last night was the first time I was able to sleep the whole night through. My mum has been giving me valerian pills and herbal teas that relax. She wants me to see a counselor because it breaks her heart to see me sob after work every day and walk around so empty and listless. I have not prayed since this happened and I don't know if I can ever pray again. I am angry.

I want to believe he came to me. After his memorial which went so badly, that night I felt something on my ear. Pressure and then warmth. I figured it must be a clump of hair or something. I left it there and tried to pretend it was him kissing my ear the way he always used to. When the feeling of pressure and warmth faded, I reached up to brush away all the hair that must have fallen there but there was nothing at all on my ear. I then fell asleep and he was in my dream and I was hugging him and telling him i loved him, in love with him and I can't live wwithout him. He said he would see me again and he will count to 47 then he will see me. He started counting and I woke up. I also dreamt about him the second night after he died and i was hugging him desperately and he was telling me he thought he would grow old and break down a bit by bit each year. I want to think he came to me and they weren't just dreams. I despearately want him to be here with me somehow.

I don't know about seeing the counselor. She won't be able to bring him back so how can she help me?

January 12, 2005

Pandorra and Haystack, I know exactally how each of you are feeling, well we all do that are here. I lost my husband last February so I am coming up on the 1 year anniversary. I can tell you both that this last year has not been an easy one by any means. There have been so many things that I have had had to deal with and also learn how to do. I have 2 daughters that I needed to be strong for and to help deal with the death of their dad also. I think that society forgets that the children grieve also just like adults do, unfortunatelty they (children) get left out. I had 5 long years prior to his death to grieve with him, knowing that the day would finally come when cancer would take him home to be with the Lord. I have found renewed strength, peace and also comfort from God. He as sustained me this last year and still is here today. I know that this time in your lives feels so empty, lonely and hard to face but in time, your own time, you will learn to deal with the grief, work through all of the stages of grief and eventually find the resolution to this. No one can tell you when that will happen, we are all different so just take is slow, its ok to express how you feel, I found that writing my feelings, either sad, angry, happy because I remembered something that we did or my dreams about him was a big help. I now every once in a while will read it and see that I have come a long way in 11 months from when I started. So please keep sharing your feelings with us here, we all know how you feel as we have been where you are now. Gods peace, comfort and strength to both of you. Sue

January 12, 2005

DEAR PANDORRA,

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND I THINK YOUR DREAMS ARE REAL...SOMEDAY YOU WILL REALIZE THAT AND KNOW YOUR HUSBAND IS ALWAYS WITH YOU. I HAD A DREAM THAT MY HUSBAND WAS STANDING WITH ME AT HIS CALLING HOURS LOOKING INTO HIS CASKET AND HE SAID,'I'M NOT THERE'. THAT WAS HIM TRYING TO TELL ME THAT HE LIVES ON...I ALSO GO TO A COUNSELOR...AT FIRST I DIDN'T FEEL I REALLY NEEDED IT OR THAT IT WOULD BE HELPFUL BUT NOW I WOULD BE LOST WITHOUT IT....GRIEVING COMES TO ALL US DIFFERENTLY AND IN DIFFERENT STAGES. I THINK OUR PSYCHIC PROTECTS US BY LETTING OUR FEELINGS OUT AS WE ARE READY TO HANDLE THEM. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN CERTAIN THINGS WILL SURFACE...SO IT'S NOT A BAD IDEA TO ESTABLISH A SUPPORT LINE...AS LONG AS YOU GET A GOOD COUNSELOR..MINE WAS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED BY A FRIEND OF MINE WHO IS A THERAPIST HERSELF. SO TRY AND NETWORK IF YOU CAN. ALSO, THERE IS A BOOK....HELLO FROM HEAVEN BY JUDY AND BILL GUGGENHEIM, THAT MIGHT HELP YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU AREN'T ALONE AND LIFE DOES GO ON....KEEP WRITING................LAURA

January 12, 2005

Sillygirl, that’s what feels so good is that I know everyone here knows exactly what I am feeling. I am amazed when I would read something here and it would be exactly how I am feeling. Like remembering little things. Everyday I will remember something that we were supposed to do and its like a punch in the stomach. Or I will remember something else of mine that I had there that is now gone. This morning I actually didn’t cry. I feel, less miserable at this moment, but I know anything can set me off. Friday it was the sound of a casino on a radio commercial. I remembered how we were supposed to go Vegas this year. I was a mess the rest of the night. I did start a journal with my dreams and some feelings for each day. I started it after reading the posts here. I went back about a year or two to become familiar with the names since not everyone has a profile filled out. I want you to know I cried everytime I read a story of how your beloved was lost. I cried for each and every one of you.

Lauraa, I already bought the book Hello From Heaven. It was mentioned on this thread somewhere, maybe by you, and I put in my order for it Monday from Amazon. My mum’s friend has a daughter who is a marriage counselor and she brought over some books for me. I have not read them yet, but they are “how to recover from the loss of a love.” It appears to be more for a break up, but most of the advice can be used for loss from a death. “The Grief Recovery Handbook” and “The courage to Grieve.” I have started ordering books since I guess that is all I have to do with my life now is read. I can’t imagine being with another man. I keep going back and forth with putting pictures of him out and having his mementos out and then I put them away thinking its easier. I think I have put them away and back out several times now.

He was not my husband yet. But we thought we would be married. We had hoped to live together in the by next Christmas. He told me he had never felt love like this before, or had a connection at first sight like he did with me. He said the time he had with me was the happiest he had been in his whole life.

I am glad I finally posted. Thank you so much for your words. You do give me courage to go on as I am dreading 2005.

My mum has made an appointment for me with a counselor and I guess I will give it a try. I feel oddly strong and less miserable at this moment. Like maybe its finally sinking in that he is really gone. I think I have been fighting it or wanting to deny it for the past 3 weeks.

January 13, 2005

Pandorra, Haystack, Laura and All,

I have been reading your posts. Bob passed away June 27,2004

6 1/2 months ago. I have to tell you that I have faced a lot

in the past months, just like everyone else. The night after

he passed, I was sitting on the bed and a black figure rushed

from one side of the room to the door. Bob always wore black,

but I couldnt make out a face or anything; then the Tuesday

after he passed (the second day) his holistic healer came

over-nobody told her he was gone; she saw his face above

my shoulder and he was laughing; the following week, I went

on the patio and I smelled his cologne and now in the past

couple of months, the dreams have started.

I tried the bereavement group sessions, they didnt work;

now I go to a hospice grief counselor and he helps me

because he gives me an outlet to express all of my

feelings.

The biggest thing I have had to deal with is the fact

that I kept Bob at home, he died of cancer, I took care

of him without help until the last month. I kept doing

what I had to do to try to keep him alive, but when I

saw it all failing, I turned off my emotions- I didnt hold

him enough or hug him enough or kiss him enough; although

I assured him every day that I loved him and was doing all

I could. But towards the end, when I would go near him

he would go crazy on me and we would have to medicate him.

that was when I realized that he didnt want to leave and

he knew he was going to. I talked to my counselor about this

and he says it is normal, after I talked about it with him,

I had a dream. In that dream I saw myself hugging,kissing,

holding Bob and letting him know just how much I loved him;

In the dream, when he passed, he was screaming and his

face was of fear and despair- not wanting to go. I talked

to someone about this dream and they said it was Bobs

way of letting me know it was okay, I did what I had to

do and he knows how much I love him still.

So, write down what you dream. And remember that your loved

one is still with you, even though you may not be able to

see them.

As far as plans; Bob and I planned to retire, walk the

beach holding hands like a couple of love struck teens;

buy a camper and travel the country and just enjoy

being together. To realize that this is not to be was

and is very hard for me yet.

although I have come to the realization that many things

will not happen; I have also come to realize that I must

go on till my time comes to join Bob. I now have to take

care of myself and I am doing that.

This grief is very hard for all of us who are going

through it; but God only gives us what we can handle.

So, as much as I hate it and dont want to do it; I know

that I have to.

You do whatever makes you feel better, I had part of

Bobs ashes put in a locket that I wear around my neck

all the time.

I was very angry with God for a couple of months; but

I didnt stop praying that God bless Bob and take care

of him until I join him.I still cant make myself go

into church, but I guess that will come back in time.

Jenmulloy,

If it were me, and I am going to be 59 yrs old in March,

I would take the baby in a heart beat. But you have to

decide what is not only best for you, but what is best

for the baby. I have a really close, strong family and

I believe in family. Talk it out and I know that you

will make the right decision. My son from my first

marriage has a 16 yr old son, whom I havent seen but

once in the past 9 years and when I did see him, he

didnt recognize me or remember me at all. This broke

my heart because I went for grandparents rights and my

son didnt show in court and they were going to put a

warrant out for him and put him in jail, so I stopped

fighting to see my grandson. My heart will always

be hurt over this even though I cant change it until

he reaches 18 yrs old.

but this is me; you have your own circumstances and you

have to talk tis out and make a decision. I know that

whatever you decide will be in the best interest of all.

God Bless Everyone

Joyce

Sillygirl, that’s what feels so good is that I know everyone here knows exactly what I am feeling. I am amazed when I would read something here and it would be exactly how I am feeling. Like remembering little things. Everyday I will remember something that we were supposed to do and its like a punch in the stomach. Or I will remember something else of mine that I had there that is now gone. This morning I actually didn’t cry. I feel, less miserable at this moment, but I know anything can set me off. Friday it was the sound of a casino on a radio commercial. I remembered how we were supposed to go Vegas this year. I was a mess the rest of the night. I did start a journal with my dreams and some feelings for each day. I started it after reading the posts here. I went back about a year or two to become familiar with the names since not everyone has a profile filled out. I want you to know I cried everytime I read a story of how your beloved was lost. I cried for each and every one of you.
Lauraa, I already bought the book Hello From Heaven. It was mentioned on this thread somewhere, maybe by you, and I put in my order for it Monday from Amazon. My mum’s friend has a daughter who is a marriage counselor and she brought over some books for me. I have not read them yet, but they are “how to recover from the loss of a love.” It appears to be more for a break up, but most of the advice can be used for loss from a death. “The Grief Recovery Handbook” and “The courage to Grieve.” I have started ordering books since I guess that is all I have to do with my life now is read. I can’t imagine being with another man. I keep going back and forth with putting pictures of him out and having his mementos out and then I put them away thinking its easier. I think I have put them away and back out several times now.
He was not my husband yet. But we thought we would be married. We had hoped to live together in the by next Christmas. He told me he had never felt love like this before, or had a connection at first sight like he did with me. He said the time he had with me was the happiest he had been in his whole life.
I am glad I finally posted. Thank you so much for your words. You do give me courage to go on as I am dreading 2005.
My mum has made an appointment for me with a counselor and I guess I will give it a try. I feel oddly strong and less miserable at this moment. Like maybe its finally sinking in that he is really gone. I think I have been fighting it or wanting to deny it for the past 3 weeks.

January 13, 2005

I went to the bereavement group again today and again I started crying almost as soon as I sat down and almost continuously for over an hour. I did this also 2 weeks ago too. I wonder if going to a bereavement group is right for me. I mean that I am crying usually in the mornings, the afternoons and of course the evenings. So what is the point of going there too when it obviously triggers more tears while I am there and it continues after I leave for an hour also. I know I am more emotional than the others and I feel stupid again as a dozen other people are there but they seem to be under better control. Maybe I should just stay away from there.

It is going to be 8 months on the 20th and I seem to be back to where I was in the first 2 months, crying all the time. I am on antidepressants already and Ativan to help me sleep. In the last year, menopause has hit me like a ton of bricks too. I got progesterone cream for that the last 2 months and it has helped a lot....at least I feel fit to drive now. I am a mess, no doubt about it. My friend who lost her husband in August seems to be doing great, has the whole experience under control and finds some meaning in it and faith for the rest, and has loaned me some books to read.

When I look at myself in the mirror now I get a bit of a shock. I seem to have aged 10 years in my face, body and hair. Even though I try to make myself look better, it doesn't work any more. I thought a perm might help and now I have a blond frizzball for hair and not a dang thing I have tried to relax it or style it works. My friend says that this is also a new beginning. Pretty positive, eh? I see her point and wonder how do I am going to make something out of nothing. Even though I know what I am capable of, it is hard not to feel like a real loser. Obviously I am in a very bad head space lately. I need some advice what to do. Drinking and drugs are not what I would do, tried reading, prayer, friends, keeping busy but all this stuff is still crashing on me. Please tell me if this is something that I will just have to ride out? Have others experienced being cornered in this hole and not having any idea how to cope with it all.

For those who have had dreams, you are so fortunate. I never remember any dreams nor awaken to such precious memories.

January 13, 2005

Dear Haystack,

I understand completely...Our situation sounds very similiar. I feel when I look in the mirror that I look so tired and worn out...that's what's happens when you cry so much and don't get the proper sleep. Some will tell us we have to stop the crying but they don't know! I accept the fact that I have to cry to deal with my emotions...We grieve as deep as we loved. And, don't forget that lots of time we are hit with many different emotions at once and that is very difficult. It will be 8 months for me on Jan. 16th and it is hitting me really hard now as well. Maybe it's the winter. Maybe it's the anniversary of when the doctors told us he was sick. Maybe it's everything! Sometimes, I talk to him and "thank" him for leaving me with 3 teenagers and menapause at the same time....this house is full of hormones! My kids amaze me each and everyday at their strength to go on as their father was bigger than life to them...he was the best and irreplaceable. I have put pictures of him all over our home because I just feel it's important to keep his spirit alive. As far as the bereavement group, I think it is probally fresher with you than the others? If you need to cry then keep crying...that's what they are there for.....if they can't support you then that's their problem. I don't know about you but the summer for me was a fog and I was numb. I remember the day when I was alone and realized I would never see him again....it felt like I was walking a fine line...it was then that I had to know that life absolutely goes on...I'm catholic and always believed in eternal life but after I lost him I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed proof...That is when I started reading books on the "afterlife" and found a spiritual church to attend. I also found and went to a "medium" who did a reading with me that proved to me that he does "LIVE ON" because she told me things she would never have known about him or me...she said he is always with me!She told me that my husband's grandmother was there to meet him when he passed and she described her perfectly and his grandma wanted me to know she knew what I was going thru (she had lost 2 husbands in her lifetime)and there was so much more that the medium could not have known as she did not know me. It has helped me tremendously to move on but that's not to say I don't grieve anymore...it's just a positive feeling and thought that helps me cope....and, I totally believe we will meet again and he has paved the way for us all for that time. Keep wtiting and talk to all of us who know what you are going thru....it is not an easy road but what doesn't kill you "WILL" make you "STRONGER".......I will pray for you and everyone else here. One thing for sure is that I am more spiritual than I am religious..................Laura

January 13, 2005

I'm sorry Haystack for your crying. But maybe crying is good. I thought I was doing good yesterday. Silly me. I think i was in some sort of shock. I was actually thinking it finally sinked in he is gone, I have to move on and that is that. But that ended when I got home. I actually started to think I was done greiving and maybe cuz we weren't married and together for 10 plus years like many here, I wasn't going to go through the whole greiving thing. I see now it was wishful thinking.

My poor parents took me to see The Fockers thinking it would cheer me up. I didn't have the heart to tell them it depressed me cuz Jeff loved comedies and certain parts I knew he would laugh at made me sad. then they showed a massage and I remembered his broad back and the tattos he had on on his shoulders as I would rub coconut oil into his back. It hit me like a brick. How could that strong broad back be gone? His teeth, his eyes. gone. ???????????

I came home and cried the rest of the night. Evenings and mornings are the hardest for me. I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow. I just have no desire to be alive without him and the thought of making it through this year really weighs on me.

I also had this terror after his death about whether there was really an afterlife. Suddenly I was terrified there may be nothing at all. Laura, your story of the medium knowing things she shouldn't have comforts me.

January 13, 2005

All of you seem to be doing so well compared to what I am feeling right now. I think I have hit a rut and have fallen back into that bottomless pit that we are all trying to climb out of. I guess it stems to how I lost my wife. She died in her sleep two weeks after our little girl was born... That would have been in August. So it has been a little over 5 months. I finally got the autopsy report back to find out how she died... I hadn't paid much attention to it because trying to get through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years without her for the first time in 8 years was hard enough... I opened it and started reading and researching... According to my uncle who is a neurosurgeon, there is nothing on the autopsy report that would have killed her. NOTHING! She had no health issues before pregnancy, no heart ailments, cancers, not so much as a urinary tract infection... She was perfectly healthy. So what I have gathered from the doctors and the autopsy report is that my 25 year old wife died in her sleep from nothing at all... Remember that anger and not being able to pray? I can't bring myself to do it. I am a second generation preachers kid... And I can't pray. Yes, I believe he is there and that he took my wife, but that doesn't mean I'm happy with it. I've cried more in the last week than I have since she died. I guess I was being strong for Madison. My dad told me that I couldn't blame God, who else is there? There wasn't anything else wrong with her! My grandmother followed that one with God provides for you... My question to her was why did he provide a house, cars, a new baby girl, and then take away the one thing that really mattered in my life. I'd live in a cardboard box, drive a Gremlin, and eat worms for my family... Couldn't he have just kept all that stuff and left me with my wife and my daughter? Who by the way, will never get to know her mother because He TOOK her! I would love to be able to blame a doctor or some freak illness (Not taking away from the pain that you all have been through), something that would explain why she passed away. I haven't set foot in our church, or prayed since the week she died... That is the last I can remember. I have been miserably sick the last week, not able to sleep, dream, anything... After I did sleep and dreamed of Rikki last week. It drives me up the wall to think that she won't be with me anymore, that I can't be with "my girls." I got that for two weeks and now it is gone... To be able to hold my baby girl and have my wife under my arm would be a dream come true... It was what I dreamed about when we met 8 years ago and we knew we were going to be married. I don't think it will ever seem real. And reading your posts here, it doesn't seem to get any better.

Jenmulloy, do what is best for you and YOUR family... That is you and YOUR family... I won't even burdon you with my thoughts on that. I hope you are doing "better," because we will never be okay.

Everyone else posting here, I think about you and I cry when I read your posts because we are all struggling here and to hear that others have the same anger helps me in some strange, deranged way I guess.

Peace be with you.

Chris

January 13, 2005

Chris,

I love you and I just want you to know that I can totally understand how you feel. I wish I could take it all away for you and I hate to know you are struggling like you are. It just doesn't make any sense and I know that must add to your torment...I am holding you so close to my heart. I will pray for you to gain strength and comfort...please know how much I think of you and your sweet Madison. I think our emotions just ebbs and flows and we never know when our emotions are going to get us....I sorry!

To everyone else,

Some web-sites I have come across to check out.

www.after-death.com

www.dianeross.com

www.spirit-sanctuary.org

Everybody, please try and take extra special care of yourself even if it is just the little things...I soak in the tube and try and destress or just to have a private place when the kids are at school to cry my heart out (everyday day). That is what's required for me right now to do, otherwise I just feel so much pressure. I am trying to get out and walk more when weather permits and my next goal is to get some good tapes to mediatate...which I'm thinking are crucial. I am feeling extremely low on energy right now and it is hitting me hard right now, too. I think it is a let-down from the holidays. My second oldest son turned 15 today and boy was he in a "horrible" mood...he has been the rock since his dad "passed" but I think it hit him hard as it was his first birthday without his dad.....It's a total nightmare! I honestly don't think I will ever believe it....it was a really hard week for me. Tomorrow my friend is taking me out and we both are getting a facial and a massage and lunch so I am looking forward to that. I think it's the first thing I've done for myself in 4 years since my husband got sick. I'll probally have to come home and go right to bed...and that is o.k.,too.

I have you all near and dear to my heart.....Keep writing!

Laura

January 15, 2005

Haystack, you ARE NOT going crazy--you are feeling every emotion we have all felt and continue to feel. I think some folks are just stronger than others at things. For me, I'm still a mess, even after a year. I get up in the mornings and feel like I'm on automatic. I shower, dress, let the dog out, then leave for work. I try not to think about my husband going to work because if I do I start crying. Once at work, I seem to switch to "work" mode. I can't let my mind wonder--I have to work--I can't let anything get in the way--I need the job. That makes me terrified at times. Even though we both always worked, we tried not to obligate but one income toward bills in case one of us didn't have a job. Now there's no fallback. I'm it. I've spent my fair share of time in the bathroom at work, but then you have to take a deep breath and come out and face the world again. I still have my family pictures in my office--I don't intend to take them down. I seem to be okay if I bring up my husband, but still have to bite my tongue to keep from crying if someone else brings him up. Doesn't make sense does it? Then I walk out the door after work, get in my car, head for home, and the emotions seem to take over again. Crying is a stress relief for us right now. If you keep it all bottled up inside you'll explode. Although there have been a couple of times it's gotten so bad, I've just put my head in a pillow and screamed from the horror and disbelief of it all--for as long and as loudly as I could. I was left drained, but felt back in control a bit. Do you know whenever I think of my husband and start crying I start to feel a chill from the back of my shoulders up to the top of my head? My girlfriend told me that maybe it's Eddy hugging me and letting me know he's still here. I try to take comfort in that. Please remember to not let anyone put a time limit on how long you grieve. We each do it differently and in our own way. You just have to keep going on. I sleep in spurts, and don't have dreams. I pray for them. I'm into reading just about every afterlife book on the market. I've always believed in God, a higher power, etc. But I still get mad asking all the whys and what lessons am I to learn now, and why was my husband taken? A man who still had so much to live for. I sometimes feel if one more person tells me "everything happens for a reason" or "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" I think I'll scream. None of it makes any sense. My doctor put me on an antidepressant at the 6 month mark. At my last visit he suggested that I get out more and get involved in things that would fill the void I'm currently experienccing--community items such as meals on wheels, hospital volunteer, calling United Way and seeing about helping at soup kitches, etc. He said you can either give into this and continue with no enjoyment in life if that's what you want, but if you don't like feeling the way you do, you have to try and do something about it. Hell, it's been a year, and I still haven't slept in our bedroom, I still have half a sewing room cleaned out, and I've cleaned the same kitchen cabinets a half a dozen times. What I'm trying to say is grief hits us and hits us hard. We're going through so many emotions right now it all seems unreal. But people dying has been around forever and the ones remaining seem to be going on somehow. We will get through this. I don't know how and I certainly can't tell you when, but like it or not, life does go on. I try to focus on positive things when I can. Remember all the good times you were blessed to be with your loved one. Try and concentrate on what that person's love gave you and left you with. That's what I'm trying to do. You were blessed with having met someone who thought you were the most important being in all the world--who made you feel loved and treasured. What a gift we were each given. Just try and concentrate on that. Maybe it'll help get through some of those tough moments. If not - scream about the injustice of it all into that stupid pillow. Gayle

January 15, 2005

Gayle,

Did you tell your doctor to jump off a bridge? Has he lost someone near and dear to him and can he honestly say he knows what you are going thru? He had no right to say that to you. This is a total nightmare for all of us and we are all grieving the best we can. Is he suggesting that if you volunteer all these feelings will go away? That really pisses me off! Oh ya, and let's just load em' all up with drugs to take their pain away....THEIR FEELINGS PEOPLE! And we grieve as deep as we love. Think of it this way....Some people (probally most) wouldn't feel like we do because they didn't love their spouces like we did and would be glad to get rid of them....I know that sounds awful but the TRUTH hurts! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers..............Laura

January 15, 2005

Gayle,

Did you tell your doctor to jump off a bridge? Has he lost someone near and dear to him and can he honestly say he knows what you are going thru? He had no right to say that to you. This is a total nightmare for all of us and we are all grieving the best we can. Is he suggesting that if you volunteer all these feelings will go away? That really pisses me off! Oh ya, and let's just load em' all up with drugs to take their pain away....THEIR FEELINGS PEOPLE! And we grieve as deep as we love. Think of it this way....Some people (probally most) wouldn't feel like we do because they didn't love their spouces like we did and would be glad to get rid of them....I know that sounds awful but the TRUTH hurts! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers..............Laura

January 15, 2005

I read up on the readings today and I feel for you all I went through that and even today I can cry because of the loneliness and the emptness that is here,

I do believe that until those people go through it they don't know what it is all about. medication doesn't take away the pain of loss,learning to live one day at a time is a trick for me jerry was all my family,I wake up and nobody to say god morning to or go to bed and say good night to, go to work and come home to silence nobody to tell my day to boy that within itself was the hardest thing to do playing songs on my stereo and crying until i could listen to them without crying because that helped heal.Today is ok somedays aren't but each day seems to get better,a year ago i couldn't say even that.this year I went to my 1st new years eve party and it hit and i had to grab on and sit it outand I made it through it,it was lonely yes but I am trying to get back into living again and that has been 2 yrs now so everyone heals in their own time that is what i believe,people told me we are tired of hearing it and that was at 6mo, of his death so i quiet talking and ended up sucidal because they didn't understand so keep talking and writing these two things do work I beieve.

January 15, 2005

Hello All: I am coming up on my 2nd year of my husband's death (May 1st) and I am still hurting so deeply. I could never have imagined the pain and heartache a person could suffer and live through it...if this is called living.

I still cry at the drop of a hat and I have done all the things I am supposed to do......I volunteered, joined a gym, went out most days, got a part-time job and guess what, the pain is still here and it is still excrutiating.. I have prayed to God just to help me to feel alive again. I am so tired of pre-tending to be happy and telling everyone I feel great when on the inside I don't feeling anything but pain. I think maybe the second year is just as hard as the first because I am coming out of a fog. I did a lot of traveling only to come home and feel the hurt more. I haven't dreamt of Tom nor do I feel his presence and I pray for that to happen also. I know God has a plan for all of us and we are where He wants us to be and He will walk us through this but it doesn't ease the emotional pain of what we are going through. I don't know what to do anymore. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and hope and pray that the third year is a lot better. I pray for all of us.

January 15, 2005

I haven't wanted to write lately. I read the site all the time, I just can't write. I hate trying to make it through the day and I hate waiting for the autopsy report to show up and I just hate lately. I made my mom cry today cause I told her I gave up on praying. She said that it wasn't God's fault that Brad died and that you have to learn to accept that things happen for a reason. I don't want to and until Im done being angry and lonely and just plain unhappy, I won't pray. I do give my mom credit though, she's been dealing with MS for the past 3 years and slowly deteriorating. As for it not being God's fault, then who took my husband from me, cause I sure as heck didn'ta ask anyone to. I thought he had the final say so, he knows all, so if he knew and he knew it was going to kill me, why'd he do it. I can tell you right now if it wasn't for Brady I wouldn't be here anymore. I don't want to try to live the rest of my life without the man I said forever to. I will love him forever, but the wait to see him again is going to kill me. Trying to explain to Brady what happened and why his daddy isn't here with us, it'll be a matter of time now before he asks. There are people at work who tell me that I'm wrong for decisions and the way Im feeling about things. The problem is right now, I really don't care. I don't care about anything except for the little guy who is sleeping in his crib right now and the man I layed in the ground less than two months ago. All I can see half the time is how I found him and the other half him in a coffin. I hate this, I hate all of this and nothing is ever going to make it better. The bigger Brady gets, the more he looks like his father, his eyes, his hair, the way he does everything. I do have the last part of him he'll ever leave on this earth and for that, Im thankful. I can't, however, be thankful for how my life has been turned upside down and the pain is so strong I can't breathe.

January 16, 2005

Jenmulloy, I am so sorry that you are angry and also hurting. I was once where you are today as we all were here. I am coming up on a year since Jerry left this earth and went home to be with the Lord. None of us here asked for our loved one to be taken away from us but, God has a plan for all of us even before we were born he knew how our lives would be. He has put each of us on the earth to serve a purpose, one that he gave us. We may never know just what our purpose was or the purpose of our loved one that has left us. In my case, Jerrys' purpose I found out after his death was to give others with cancer hope, inspiration, the will to go on when life seemed so dark and meaningless and also to leave behind a blessing to his family and friends. I found that God gave me the strength, peace and also the comfort to be able to have Jerry at home, take care of him, enjoy the time that we had left and to sit and hold his hand the day that he died. I have 2 girls that I realized that I had to take care of. I had to go on, even when I didnt want to, only for my girls. No one can tell you what decisions you are making are wrong or right for that matter until they have walked in your shoes or lived what we have all had to live. I hope that in time your anger at God will leave. As for the hurt, I cant tell you just how long you will hurt, no one can, we all grieve differently. I still miss Jerry. I still cant go to the cemetary and talk to him without crying. We all grieve as deeply as we love. I will remember you and your son and your mom in my prayers and will ask God to give you the strength, peace and comfort that he has blessed me with. Dont stop writing or talking. Take care. Sue

January 16, 2005

Thank you Gayle for what you wrote and to everybody else for your tender insight. What you write resonates more with me than with the bereavement group or my friend who has turned to shopping and gambling to "mask the pain" as she says it. I appreciate it that you write that we grieve as deeply as we loved. That is what makes this heartache make sense. One idea that tortures us is Why?Why?Why? It has been running around in my head and yours also. Then I read what happened to Chris and come to think that for some of us there isn't going to be an answer to Why? There isn't going to be some idea or reason that is going to fit. This has been a horrible loss, and I am sad and I am damn mad at times. It sucks bigtime. Even watching those poor Indians and Indonesians and what they lost has imprinted on me that there are billions of people suffering like us at this very moment and that is an ongoing fact of life. I think that I am going to make an attempt to stop obsessing on Why it happened because it could eat up the rest of my life. What I want to "get" is how come some people rebound enough to go on and have a fulfilling life and others become the "walking wounded" for the rest of their life. I don't want that to happen to me, for sure. I know that Bob would say, "You go enjoy yourself and your life. There's no point in hurtin' forever, is there?". That would be an idea for me think about as a long-term goal. Like years maybe, and while I have had several weeks of the same sorrow like when Bob first died nearly 8 months ago and at that time I am too beaten up to even function hardly, that I want to have that idea for me there.

I have also been thinking about how we cope. I tend to hide in isolation but there is no limit of other hiding places and I want to be aware of the others cause they can do a lot of damage in a hurry. I am glad that I don't drink or drug, gamble or shop. At this time I don't want to go to church but I may at a later time. There is a big void in my life that needs filling so I need to explore things carefully.

Again, I would like to thank you for being here and say that I appreciate your support so very much. It was since I first posted that I have had a couple of good days again and my chest doesn't hurt so much.

January 16, 2005

Haystack and everyone, a friend I used to work with stopped by today just to say Hi. Her husband died 20 years ago. God I hate to think of being without my husband for that long of a time. She talked to me for a few minutes and I found myself telling her, "I don't think we ever get over this--I think we just end up learning how to cope with the pain." I think that after awhile we come to some sort of acceptance that our loved ones aren't coming back to us. I'm trying really hard to keep believing that they don't ever really leave us, but I do so miss my husband's arms around me, his company--we didn't even have to be talking to each other, just being in the same room was enough. I'm sure people driving beside me must think I'm nuts talking to myself in my car, but I'm talking to my husband, trying to share my day or feelings. I'm still so angry at times at him leaving me, at God for taking him now at a time in our lives when we should have been enjoying each other as we were heading toward retirement. I got a CD I listen to sometimes "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" from the book store. It helps to put things in perspective. I'm trying not to become a recluse in my house, but for now, going to work, trying to take care of the yard, sometimes taking my granddaughter to the movies, is just my speed for right now. I tried going to the mall by myself, something which never bothered me before--I almost had to hog tie my husband to go to the mall with me, but seeing couples is really painful for me. I find I almost start crying just walking past the men's department - seeing items I'd have picked up for Eddy to surprise him with. Even going grocery shopping almost does me in. I've lost count the number of times I'd run into my husband in the grocery store by our house coming home from work. It'd always amaze me that we'd both seemed to remember something we needed at home and have almost the same things in the shopping carts. See--that's a good memory and one that makes me smile. I've just gotta concentrate on good memories. In the end, though, I just look to just getting through today, because that's all I can do right now. We just need to hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other. We've experienced the worst of it--surely it has to get better at some point. Gayle

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