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agnieszkax0

My mom, my everything .. is gone.

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Hello!

My mom passed away on October 13th 2013. It has been really tough but I have great support, from family to friends. I think and talk about my mom every second of the day, she was the greatest person on earth. I miss her so much .. She had metastasis breast cancer. I am only 20 years old and for the passed 6 months I have been with her 24/7, from chemo to the last breath. I was taking care of her until the very end, her doctor told me its best I put her on hospice but I didn't have the heart to put her away and I chose to be her caregiver. Now that she has passed, I feel relieved that she's not suffering anymore but I do miss her. Is it weird that I feel like she isn't gone? I might not see her which makes me upset, but I feel like she's still here. I don't think I'm fully accepting her death .. I don't think she's dead. I can't explain the feeling.

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:( .. On 9-27-10 my mother had a massive stroke that took away her ability to speak and walk this stroke paralyzed my mother on the right side.

From that day forward my life was at a change for the worst! I watched my mother suffer and my sisters blamed me for the stroke :( they said if I wouldn't have had my disagreements with my mother that this wouldn't have happened... Whats makes matters worse is that my mother and I weren't talking she was upset with me for staying out late.

I am 24 years old now at the time I was 21 and just moved back home to help with the bills. I woke up to my sister yelling saying that somethings wrong with mom. My mother was in the bathroom when the stroke happened, It was like 2:00am. I looked at my mother and for the first time she didn't recognize me.

She regained her memory back slowly. But she was left paralyzed and couldn't speak or talk her words would become confused with numbers.

The guilt I have is not treating her better before her stroke and not knowing that she was ill....

I watched my mother suffer for 3 years before she passed at hospice

I was her care taker for most of the time.

The most hurtful thing in the world is to see your loved one in pain and to have to change their soiled diapers =(

My mother passed away at 3:15am at the hospice in san antonio tx.

I wasn't even the 1st or second to find out

My older sister who was power of attorney hid it from me until about 10am

I dont think I can forgive my sister for being the only one there by mom's side before she passed especially since I lived 10 minutes away from the hospice NO ONE LET ME KNOW...

When I visited my mother she was stiff and the blood was no longer in her body but it was all pulled to the bottom of her body. I held her for over an hour crying until my spouse pulled me out of the room..

I suffer from anxiety, panic attacks and deep depression that makes me exhausted..

I guess I am on here today hoping to find someone to talk to

Rebecca

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I still feel my mother around as well :( watching her in hospice was the hardest thing I have ever seen... It was not my choice to have her in there my oldest sister was power of attorney she made all the decisions in the end... pretty sad but i blame myself most of the time

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Rwilliams1346, I am so sorry to hear what distress you're feeling and for the period of time your mother was affected by her stroke. Do not blame yourself. I am guessing the stress on your sister has caused her to be as insensitive. She is as confused and hurt by what happened as you are. I lost my mom October 28. I have been feeling like grief is a room I am alone in, for the most part. Except for the occasions that I can look into my father's eyes and share our despair, lean on my younger sister's shoulder, or talk to my husband some, I otherwise mainly feel isolated and, frankly, very surprisingly abandoned by friends since this happened. I am searching to try to understand peoples' reactions, myself. But I do know that siblings can be terrible to one an other, as, someone pointed out once to me, it's "safe" to mistreat a sibling, siblings think. They wouldn't treat anyone outside their family that way. Your mother's stroke had nothing to do with you. Remember the love you gave your mother during the time you were caring for her. That's what she left feeling - and certainly no argument that you may have had before her health failed. Life is full of arguments and imperfections. Part of being a mother is having shouting arguments once in a while with your teen or twenty-one year old daughter. :) Your mother knew you loved her even during your argument three years earlier - trust me, as I have three children and from the 18 year old to the 25 year old, we have off and on days where an small argument requires some shouting, because that's just who we are. We all feel nagging as to what we could have done to keep what happened to our mothers from happening. I can't escape a single day without re-living the days before my mother had her heart attack and regret that I didn't help her more with daily tasks or didn't see the signs or be smart enough or educate myself enough about what signs to look for so I could have dragged my reluctant mom to a doctor for a check-up. But because I am also a mother and have children close to your age (18.22,25) I want you to listen to what your mother who loved you so much would say to you and know that this was not because of you. And also, to hold close that you had your own special relationship with your mom and she knew you were present with her even if you didn't technically learn she had passed as soon as the rest of your family. I hope you find some comfort in this.

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Hello!

My mom passed away on October 13th 2013. It has been really tough but I have great support, from family to friends. I think and talk about my mom every second of the day, she was the greatest person on earth. I miss her so much .. She had metastasis breast cancer. I am only 20 years old and for the passed 6 months I have been with her 24/7, from chemo to the last breath. I was taking care of her until the very end, her doctor told me its best I put her on hospice but I didn't have the heart to put her away and I chose to be her caregiver. Now that she has passed, I feel relieved that she's not suffering anymore but I do miss her. Is it weird that I feel like she isn't gone? I might not see her which makes me upset, but I feel like she's still here. I don't think I'm fully accepting her death .. I don't think she's dead. I can't explain the feeling.

I am so sorry to hear you lost your mom so recently. I also lost my mother a day less than two weeks ago. She hadn't appeared to have anything wrong with her, and suddenly I learned that police and medics had come to her house and had tried to re-start her heart. By the time I got to the hospital, in rush hour traffic, she had not survived what turned out to be a major heart attack. I think we will always feel our mothers are alive. I can't even grocery shop without seeing the things I want to pick up for her that I know she loves to eat and I am stunned by the difference in a matter of days from her being on the other end of the phone with me or meeting me for breakfast to her physical presence and voice being irreversibly gone. If you can feel your mom with you, embrace that as a gift. She means that for you at this time. I actually have realized, if it makes any sense, that it feels better to have her identity of having passed away something I carry around - this new strange identity for her. But it slips off. And it feels unjust to her that she would have that identity. And when it slipped off, like last night, suddenly it makes no sense all over again. And it's as raw and sharp and ridiculously unbelievable that she's not going to be with us today or any more as ever. So it's very confusing. Very very confusing, I know.

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mia56   

MY MOM ALSO PASSED AWAY OCTOBER 22,2013 IT SEEMS LIKE JUST YESTERDAY. I DON'T THINK I'M ACCEPTING HER DEATH EITHER. I KNOW IT HAPPENED. BUT I DON'T THINK IT DID. I SPENT TWO WEEKS IN HOSPICE WITH HER. FEEDING HER WATCHING SLOWLY FADE AWAY. I KNOW WHY SHE WAS THERE. MY BROTHER BROKE HER RIBS AND LEFT HER IN HER BED WITH NO FOOD AND WATER, SHE GOT SERVERE DEHYDRATION AND MALNUTRITION AND PNEUMONIA AND ENDED UP WITH MERSA FROM A NURSEING HOME SHE DIDN'T BELONG IN. BEFORE BEING TRANSFERED TO THE HOSPITAL WHERE SHE DIED.ANOTHER BROTHER FOUND HER ON THE FLOOR IN THE NURSING HOME. I LIVED IN ANOTHER STATE MAYBE THATS WHY THE GUILT EATS AT ME EVERY DAY. BUT I FED MY MOTHER AND PROTECTED HER UNTIL SHE DIED. THE LAST DAY I LEFT HER ROOM AT NOON TO MAKE MY BROTHER STOP BEING MAD AT ME FOR STAYING WITH HER 24/7 HE DIDN'TLIKE THAT. SO I LEFT HER AND WHEN I CAME BACK I FOUND HER DEAD. HOW CAN I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THIS. WHEN I PROMISED MY MOM I WOULDN'T LEAVE HER SIDE AND I DID. JUST TO MAKE MY BROTHER HAPPY. SOME ONE TELL ME!!!!! JUST THOSE LAST FEW HOURS OF HER LIFE. HOW DO I TELL HER I'M SORRY. I CAN'T. AND I DON'T HAVE ANY ONE TO HELP ME GET OVER THIS GUILT THAT WILL LIVE INSIDE OF ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.THIS PERSON WHO TRUSTED ME WHO CALLED ME HER ANGEL. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MY TWO BROTHERS ... THE THAT HURT MY MOM AND THE ONE THAT WANTED TO BE A CONTROL FREAK. I ASK GOD TO KEEP MY MOM SAVE AND WARM AND FREE FROM PAIN AND TELL HER I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART.

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Rwilliams1346, I am so sorry to hear what distress you're feeling and for the period of time your mother was affected by her stroke. Do not blame yourself. I am guessing the stress on your sister has caused her to be as insensitive. She is as confused and hurt by what happened as you are. I lost my mom October 28. I have been feeling like grief is a room I am alone in, for the most part. Except for the occasions that I can look into my father's eyes and share our despair, lean on my younger sister's shoulder, or talk to my husband some, I otherwise mainly feel isolated and, frankly, very surprisingly abandoned by friends since this happened. I am searching to try to understand peoples' reactions, myself. But I do know that siblings can be terrible to one an other, as, someone pointed out once to me, it's "safe" to mistreat a sibling, siblings think. They wouldn't treat anyone outside their family that way. Your mother's stroke had nothing to do with you. Remember the love you gave your mother during the time you were caring for her. That's what she left feeling - and certainly no argument that you may have had before her health failed. Life is full of arguments and imperfections. Part of being a mother is having shouting arguments once in a while with your teen or twenty-one year old daughter. :) Your mother knew you loved her even during your argument three years earlier - trust me, as I have three children and from the 18 year old to the 25 year old, we have off and on days where an small argument requires some shouting, because that's just who we are. We all feel nagging as to what we could have done to keep what happened to our mothers from happening. I can't escape a single day without re-living the days before my mother had her heart attack and regret that I didn't help her more with daily tasks or didn't see the signs or be smart enough or educate myself enough about what signs to look for so I could have dragged my reluctant mom to a doctor for a check-up. But because I am also a mother and have children close to your age (18.22,25) I want you to listen to what your mother who loved you so much would say to you and know that this was not because of you. And also, to hold close that you had your own special relationship with your mom and she knew you were present with her even if you didn't technically learn she had passed as soon as the rest of your family. I hope you find some comfort in this.

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In the loss of my mother, I too, feel strangely abandoned by friends, as one friend said. It is an odd feeling, and I can't seem to wrap my mind around the whole thing. I become weepy often, which is an unfamiliar feeling to me, but one which I absolutely must feel. Most days I just feel so very sad.

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Hello!

My mom passed away on October 13th 2013. It has been really tough but I have great support, from family to friends. I think and talk about my mom every second of the day, she was the greatest person on earth. I miss her so much .. She had metastasis breast cancer. I am only 20 years old and for the passed 6 months I have been with her 24/7, from chemo to the last breath. I was taking care of her until the very end, her doctor told me its best I put her on hospice but I didn't have the heart to put her away and I chose to be her caregiver. Now that she has passed, I feel relieved that she's not suffering anymore but I do miss her. Is it weird that I feel like she isn't gone? I might not see her which makes me upset, but I feel like she's still here. I don't think I'm fully accepting her death .. I don't think she's dead. I can't explain the feeling.

My mother passed from metastatic breast cancer as well. I had the same feeling of relief after her passing because she was suffering so long. My dad, however, past quickly and unexpectedly. For the longest time I thought "Oh, he just went on vacation" or "He'll be home soon." Then all of a sudden-"Oh my God, he's gone!!!" Reality set in. These things have triggers sadly enough. They may not come sooner but later. Just think this way, she's not in pain anymore. But it will lessen after time.

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In the loss of my mother, I too, feel strangely abandoned by friends, as one friend said. It is an odd feeling, and I can't seem to wrap my mind around the whole thing. I become weepy often, which is an unfamiliar feeling to me, but one which I absolutely must feel. Most days I just feel so very sad.

Some people are just plain insensitive. But I know how you feel, I cry every night.

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