Guilt, sadness, coping

[JRiff]

My story is a little complicated and I'm having a difficult time sorting out my emotions. I am 25 and work in law enforcement. My mom (62) was diagnosed with lymphoma 3 years ago and has been in and out of the hospital. All times she was showing improvement, however the cancer continued to spread. Recently she had a bone marrow test done and it was ruled that nothing more can be done. We started hospice care and are just focusing on keeping her comfortable. I'm thinking she has 1-3 weeks. My dad has done a great job taking care of her and he has been through most appointments and tests with her. I understand that she is only comfortable with him doing the primary care giving, but I help out when I can.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this because I never had an open relationship with my mom. We loved each other deeply and got along well, but communication was a bit tough. She suffered from depression and anxiety and I hated making her worry all the time. My life hasn't been the smoothest as far as my career and getting by. I live a good life, but found it difficult to be fake around her and pretend to be happy when in reality, I wasn't. I knew she of all people could understand the bad aspects of life. All she wanted sometimes was to be more involved with my life, but I did resist a bit and I regret it. She loved me, but I wish I could have given her more. My whole family has a closed off relationship, but are still close in a way. She's very proud of me and got to see a lot of my good accomplishments. She got to see me graduate as summa kum laude in college and finish first in my police academy class and win awards. I'm glad I could give that to her.

Its very difficult to see my mom like this. The drugs seems to make her feel good, but she still has pain. I do my crying sporadically throughout the day and do my best to stay happy and focus on the good things with her. Since she always recovered from these bad spells, in the back of my mind I figured she'd still pull through somehow. It became much more real for me ever since I found a pamphlet given by a social worker titled "Preparing for Death". Ever since then I haven't felt the same. I realized that I've been trying to avoid this because the less I knew about her condition, the less scared I would be. Because she always stood with me and because of all the memories I have with her, she is the only person in this world that I feel this torn up about. Grandparents have died in their 80's and I just saw it as an aspect of life because it was their time. This is entirely different. I cherish my childhood more than most people and I know its all because of her.

I tell her I love her, but I cannot bring myself to thank her for everything because that is like acknowledging that she is dying. My girlfriend is helping me, but I cannot go to her all the time. She doesn't fully understand because she hasn't dealt with anything like this. I know there are no magic answers, I am struggling heavily with all of this.

Jared

[ModKonnie]

Jared, I answered your post in the Loss of a Parent forum. We will be here for you. We know you are dealing with a horrific experience. Perhaps a relative or close friend can also be supportive. People want to help. Reach out and ask for it, and you will find people you can talk to. I realize it's easier said than done--but thanking your mom will be just wonderful medicine for her. It may open the door for the two of you to have a wonderful talk. --ModKonnie

[Dosh Garnett]

Hi Jared,

A lot of your post rang bells for me. I think that emotions are always very difficult things to process but in these kinds of cases, they are especially hard to process. I agree entirely with what you say about it not seeming real and how when grandparents die, it's sad but seems natural. I also know what you mean about feeling like you are overburdening someone else with your grief, in this case your g/f. I feel the same about my b/f and he also doesn't fully understand. His parents are younger and healthy. Not to stereotype but I feel like it's made a bit harder for males to properly grieve because from very young you are taught to be the man of the house, to buck up and be strong and so on. Females tend to network with each other more and emotionally rely on each other. It's harder for guys in my experience. Reading your post felt a bit like seeing something that my brother might write (although he just turned 40).

Yes, all you can do is keep venting to us, say all the things now that you might regret not saying later, read as much as you can about anticipatory grief/coping mechanisms to understand your emotions better, have random crying jags, try to stay positive but don't put pressure on yourself to do so all the time, do good things for yourself and your mom, focus on your job and relationship as much as you can because they still need a little attention to keep them running when you will really be putting pressure on later, and just be kind to yourself. All advice that I should take myself, lol. This is an amazingly messed up period in our lives full of EVERY FREAKING EMOTION possible. I think that we have both found a place where others will fully understand this and be able to give us support as well. Much strength and hope go out to you and I will be checking in to see how things are going for you. Be well.

Dawn

[sogovia]

Hi Jarded, i agree with ModKonnie, you will be giving your mom the greatest gift of a thank you and it could open up something wonderful for you both to share.

Sogovia