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Losing my dad to cancer--already grieving


janeemily

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Hi,

Since January 24th, my dad has been fighting a losing battle with head and neck cancer. He has received bad news after bad news, lost about 70 pounds, and he's gone from being an extremely active, hardworking person to sitting in a recliner all day. We have known for a few months now that his cancer has spread, and he is trying a last-resort immunotherapy treatment (after unsuccessful radiation and chemo), but his passing from this cancer is definitely a "when" question now, rather than an "if." This is my first time reaching out to anyone completely outside of my situation, as insurance complications from my dad's forced early retirement have taken counseling off the table as an option. I thought for a long time that I could deal with everything myself and stay strong, but it's not working. I need to get all of this off my chest.

I am 25 and I have three younger sisters. My family has always been close--it is terrible watching my father's terminal illness tear everyone apart. I think that's part of the reason I feel I can't express my emotions. I think my two college-age sisters and I feel like we can't fall apart because we have to be the ones to keep my mom, youngest sister, and dad afloat. We don't even really talk about it to each other. In August, I quit my job in the city (about three hours away from my parents' home in a small town) to move home and be with my parents. My sisters in college are having a hard time being away from home, and I was fortunate to have the option of moving home to spend whatever time my dad has left with him and to help my parents as much as possible. It is still really hard, though. I don't have any friends left in the area (I haven't lived her since high school), and there's not much to do for a 25-year-old here, socially. I'm working a minimum-wage job at a cafe because I've had difficulty finding a good full-time job. So part of my problem is that I don't have a lot of healthy outlets to take my mind off of things. I have friends who live close enough to hang out with on weekends, and some of them have really been there for me during this struggle. Maybe two weekends a month, I spend away from home, so that helps. I have a lot of resentment, though, towards several people who I considered very close friends, who have pretty much deserted me. I have given up on relationships with these people, but it still really hurts and I know I am carrying a lot of negativity around because of this. The one friend I had who went through losing his father, and who really ought to understand what I am going through, has distanced himself from me (I think because it's too painful for him to relive), but I find myself being angry at him for his selfishness, justifiably or not. I just feel that my support network is very small and there are very few people I can vent to at a given time. I also don't want to burden those people too much. So sometimes I just don't let any of it out. And I know that can't be good and it's leading to a dark path of isolation.

In short, I am really struggling with avoidance and with staying as healthy as possible, emotionally. I think I may be depressed and full of anxiety because former outlets that I would use to cope with difficulties seem like too much work for too little relief, so I don't even bother. Art, running, and singing are all things that used to be important outlets for me, but I just don't feel like it. I guess the pain is just so great that I know I can't make it any better through any of these things, so I don't even try. I try not to think about what the future holds, but it weighs on me constantly. And I'm so tired of seeing my dad hurting.

A lot of people around me, including my mom, are really using faith as a coping mechanism. This has become a touchy subject for me. I used to be a very dedicated Catholic, like much of my family, but needless to say, nothing as tragic as this ever tested my faith. For the past couple years, my views on God and spirituality have been evolving and changing (call it a quarter-life crisis). I still considered myself a Christian and spirituality was important and comforting to me. But as my dad's illness has progressed, I have lost a lot of the confidence I had in a loving God. So many people are praying for my dad, but he's still suffering. He's still dying. Every important test we've waited for has been accompanied by so many prayers, but they always brought bad news anyway. I go back and forth between doubting God's existence and being incredibly angry at him.

My father is (and always will be) my hero. I am the oldest child, his little girl, and he is still larger than life to me, even at 25. He's the person I look up to the most and the person who I would miss most on this earth. I guess I'm just really struggling with the fact that out of everything in life, he's being taken away from me. I feel like I am losing a part of myself. I usually don't talk this much about it...but I just have to say it or it will all keep eating me from the inside out.

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janeemily, I completely understand where you are coming from. I lost my dad 2 years ago to Lung Cancer. It's hard to watch the strongest men we have ever known fade away slowly. I know the toll it can put on a family. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to experience. You have to do what you think is right and try to spend as much time with him as you can no matter how bad it hurts you to see him like that. I was in the same situation and I did everything I could to keep my mom going and to be there for her and my father. I'm sorry your losing your faith. My mom was the exact same way and I was the one who tried to keep the faith. Don't be angry with God. He knows your dad's struggles and your families. He's holding y'all in his hands right now. It might not seem that way but he is. Talk to him, tell him mad but don't lose faith in him. Terminal illness is a hard struggle and it's tests you. But you've got to be strong no matter how bad it hurts. I'm sorry you've got to go through this. I'm sending my prayers and positive thoughts your way. Please don't give up.

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Hi Janeemily,

Your post really struck a chord with me because so much of it sounded directly taken from my own life and my own experiences. I lost my dad after a short, but awful battle to pancreatic cancer. My father was my world, my super hero, my best friend. I was 25, and am 26 now. Where you are now, I was last year.. just kind of waiting for the awful inevitable. What helped me the most during that time, at least when I look back on it now, was the amount of time I was able to spend with my dad. I also moved home from NYC shortly before my dad got sick and was able to spend a lot of time with him. When I look back on the end, the one thing that I can say without a doubt I know is that my dad knew how much I loved him and knew what an amazing father he was to me. I am not sure if you guys are big on verbal communication in your family. With my dad, we always told each other we loved each other but never really went in depth. Well, one day when my dad was in Hospice, it was probably one of his last lucid days, I sat with him and spilled my guts. I left no word unsaid. I told him everything that I knew I'd regret if I didn't have the chance to. So, my suggestion is to keep spending the time with him that you can. Let him know how much you love him. Say everything now. My dad had accepted that he was passing, as did all of we, so we were able to talk about life after his death with him. I reassured him we would miss him but would all be okay and that he had given us the skills and the strength to carry on. I think it was important for my dad to hear that because his biggest concern the whole time was whether or not his family would be okay so hearing it from us, I think, really helped him find peace in the end.

When my Dad was dying, everyone suddenly became really religious too. Everyone started praying, talking about the power of prayer, all sorts of stuff that I was just like.."really..?" It never resonated with me. I always was so angry with God or people trying to make sense of the situation through God but then I realized that what you said is true. It is their coping mechanism. My real anger with God came after his death. I guess I am the eternal optimist and still held on hope until the very end.

I wish I could tell you that this is going to get easier but the truth is, at least for me, every day is a battle to keep my chin up and press on. The world will seem to stand still for a while and you might even be angry once the world starts to spin again. I felt like if I let myself move on with my life, it was like I was leaving my Dad behind me. There's going to be so much stuff left in life, especially since we're both so young, that we are going to want to share with our dads. I am getting married in 7 months and while I am so excited, I am also filled with so much sadness that he is not here. I guess the important thing to remember is to keep going because he would want you to. I have to tell myself that every day. It's a new normal. A normal that I don't really like, but am told it will eventually become feeling less alien and more acceptable. It still doesn't make the fact that I lost my dad so early in my life, so early in his life, any better. It will be one year for me on December 1st and I think I am finally starting to really grieve. My dad was a huge part of my daily life so learning how live again is really what I have been dealing with for the last 11 months. Now, I am finally starting to realize the gravity of the loss.

I encourage you to take care of yourself. Give yourself time with your dad, but also give yourself some time to escape it all. Especially in the end, the days can be so daunting and intimidating and full of uncertainty. It is important that you listen to your soul, and to your heart, and you go with it. If it's saying "Take a nap. Take a break. Go for a walk," Listen to that little voice because while your father is the one leaving, you're still suffering and hurting and you need to also be taking care of yourself. I was told these same words when my father was in the end stages too and I didn't really listen to them and now I wish I did because I became this robot who really forgot that outside of all of this cancer crap, I still had life, and school, and work. Even if it's just reading a book or doing an activity you love, you should try to find those outlets. It might help with your own mental state.

Your dad sounds like an amazing man and I am sure he knows how deeply you love him and he will always know that. As cliche as this sounds, it really is true and I can tell you from experience, he is always with you. You will feel him in the strangest of ways in the coming months and years. The littlest things will be full of him and his spirit. If you need anything, even someone to talk to, please know you're not alone. I have been where you are, and I am on the other side of it now and I can tell you with certainty, you will be okay. Life is not ending. This is just a very hard, and sad chapter that is closing but your dad will always, always be with you.

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