Guilt- "die, for all i care" - he died this morning.

[Kalraii]

At 7.59am I rang 999 for an ambulance. My uncle had stopped breathing.

My uncle, only 43 years of age, grew up struggling with a life of drugs. I am his niece @ 24. He has (HAD) paranoid schizophrenia, heard voices in his head and even thought his own mother was on the side of the enemies in his head. He wasn't one for cleaning up and being the giant man he was, tall as well as overweight, he gradually wore on my nerves. I lost all respect for him. I was ANGRY that he didn't take care of himself and that he wouldn't accept help. The fact he was generally a gross man with his habits just topped it off. I didn't see him the way his friends saw him. At home he was an annoyance, a pest and only served to get in the way. I hated him. A hate born out of regret and love and ANGER that he let it come to this. It's no excuse. I was a HORRIBLE MEAN BITCH TO HIM and I deserve everything my conscience and family are and will throw at me. I wanted him out of the house, but I didn't want it to be like this.

He has bad asthma, is overweight and smokes like a chimney. But had a chest infection. He could barely walk. Last night he asked for an ambulance. Because of his schizophrenia we were never sure about taking him seriously. My mother even said "you don't need an ambulance. We'll get you a cab or will drive you there. On a friday night you'll have to wait 4 hours though". He didn't want to wait for 4 hours so because of us he never went. We got into an argument. I was fed up of his bullshit, he was screaming at me to "shut up" and I ended up saying "well I won't take you to hospital, you can die for all I care" and I stormed upstairs. It isn't the first time I've been so horrible and said this either. I remember feeling bad and thinking I should try better with him - he is mad after all. He loved and cared for me. He was an idiot and annoyed the **** out of us - but his heart was in the right place. We had wanted space from him, respite, asked for him to be admitted to get him back on the meds that made him normal again. I wanted the uncle he used to be...back. Last thing I ask is for him to turn his radio down before going sleep and his answer of "ok". That was the last I heard his voice.

This morning I get woken up by my mother screaming. I was in my underwear and not even fully with it as I run downstairs. My uncle is collapsed on the floor. At first I didn't think anything serious of it - my mother was in hysterics. She HAD emptying her car to take him to hospital before work but had run inside when she heard the bang of him hitting the floor. He had dressed and come down ready to go work himself - he had a glass of water and on his way to the loo when passed out. FIVE MINUTES BEFORE SHE WAS GOING TO TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL. IF ONLY HE'D WAITED 5 MINUTES! I call an ambulance and am on the phone to the operator who is talking me through it. My mother started to do cpr - and she screamed that she'd broken his rib but kept going as told. The paramedic got here within minutes - the response was astounding. Then the ambulance arrives - because his heart wasn't beating they said there was no point taking him just yet. (They were very sensitive about it). Then MORE paramedics arrived. The meds somehow got his "rhythm" changing. Not sure what this quite means but now it was worth going to the hospital. We follow them asap. We're waiting in the relatives room. fifteen minutes or so later a nurse or doctor came in and said that they were unable to revive him.

Just like that. He was gone. Dead. A close family friend and I said our goodbyes to him - I kissed his forehead, he had the same horrible tobacco smell that I will now miss and took a lock of his hair. I'm trying to keep it together. One moment I'm in hysterics, the next I'm numb. I hated him. Or rather I hated what he was and what he'd done to himself. I said I didn't care if he died on several occasions. Last night I made light of the situation and even said "die, for all I care". He actually died. I always thought he'd go to a mental institution and get better like last time. Now I will never be able to go to the pub and see a live group as he asked. Never get to give his birthday money that I promised and never get to say sorry... sorry for being a c*nt. I'm a naive little bitch and I don't know how I'm going to live with myself. My mother and nan blame themselves for not calling an ambulance. It feels surreal. I'm just... gone. The only respite I have is that maybe I might be lucky enough to die sooner and pay for my sins. Or maybe I'm paying for them now. I'm not really a believer...

He didn't want to die. He died because of me, because of us. It'll haunt me forever.

[Kalraii]

Everyone that knew him - everyone but his family, the people that matter- everyone else called him the big gentle giant. We rarely saw his good points living with him. We took him for granted. Everyone else it seems loved him more than we did. Idk how to cope with this.

[DPOP1942]

Dear Kalraii, all i know to say is sorry for your loss and i still feel guilty about the loss of my mom and the situation we went through. I am sorry that you, like i, now have to live with our guilt, but just know that, all of us who lose somebody at some point if our lives say or do something to our loved ones because we, as humans are not perfect. I know you said you are not religious, but i am, i am a christian, and i know their was only one perfect person and that is Christ Jesus, and if you ask him for forgiveness he will forgive you and so will your uncle, because like you and i, we are all imperfect. If you feel like talking sometimes feel free to drop me a line or 2. May God bless you and give you comfort of mind and peace of heart.