Lost my mom two days ago

[JustinZ]

Two days ago my mother died at the young age of 68 -- and I really don't know how to deal with it. I'm only 29 years old, and am an only child. My mom was like my best friend growing up. We did everything together. Whatever interests I had, she had too. Before I graduated High School, she went legally blind from Macular Degeneration. She also had Diabetes and a bad back. She retired from the government after my senior year in high school. Because she couldn't see, I needed to take care of her. I took her grocery shopping, to doctor's appointments, and all that kind of stuff. My dad hadn't retired yet. When my dad retired, I did less but still did the majority of taking care of her. We stopped going to get groceries because walking had become hard on her so my dad did it instead. And he started taking her to doctor's appointments. But when she was home, I'd check her sugar for her, get her something to drink whenever she needed it. Unable to find work, I stayed with my parents and took care of my mother. She always thought I was special. And I always thought she was too.

As she lost more and more of her eyesight, we took up new hobbies. We'd watch television shows together. I'd read books to her. Eventually I bought her a CD player for Christmas and got her some audio books, but still read to her as well. Because I really enjoyed talking to her about them, and about the shows we watched.

She really enjoyed sitting out on the porch and listening to birds. And sometimes just talking. I could talk to her about anything -- and I'm definitely one to always ramble on. And she'd take interest in anything I said.

Growing up, she was always kind of my best friend. I was never one to have many friends, because I'd rather hang out with her. I always thought she was 'way cooler' than any kids in school.

She had a lot of health problems in her last years. Most recently appendicitis and neuropathy of the legs, which made it hard for her to walk. Even though she was sick, she would always take time to talk to me. In the hospital, she'd call me any time day or night just to talk. And I'd visit her whenever I could.

Then she went into the hospital for this last time. She was scheduled for a doctor's appointment, but had trouble breathing so they sent her to the hospital. Her arteries were clogged, so they had to do a procedure to unclog them. They got some of them unclogged, but had to transfer her to another hospital to do the rest. But she had a good chance of surviving the procedure. Nobody ever thought she was dying.

Unfortunately, they weren't able to do it. Not long after she arrived at the other hosptial, she passed away. I got the call at about 3:00 AM saying that they had to resuscitate her. And about 20 minutes later... they called to say there was nothing more they could do.

I still live with my dad -- though the two of us had never really been so close. But right now this house feels so empty, and I don't know how to handle it. Sometimes my cousins will stop by for a little while. But aside from that it feels so lonely. It's hard for me to talk to my dad because he often has a hard time understanding things. Without any friends, I really don't have anyone to talk to on a regular basis. Nobody to listen to my stupid ranting. Nobody to hear my jokes or witty comments.

I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to handle the holiday's this year. Every year my mom and I would always make candy together. We'd do all the cooking. And for Christmas, I always loved shopping for her. She'd get way into Christmas -- shaking her presents, asking for clues, and when she opened them she'd always be super excited. Sometimes I'd tell her what dad got her for Christmas just to whet her appetite (and because he didn't pick out as good of gifts). For me, that was the excitement of Christmas. Seeing her open her gifts, and reacting to them. My dad on the other hand... his reactions were always underwhelming. "Oh wow." he'd say. "Where'd you get this?" We had a ritual of opening gifts... we'd wake up at 5:00 AM (8:00 AM last year, because my mom stayed up all night with high blood pressure, which we finally managed to get down around 2:00 AM) and we'd each open one gift at a time. The look of joy on her face was the greatest moment of Christmas for me. Asking her if she liked it, and what she thought of it...

And now that's gone. Gone is the making pumpkin pies a day early, and then being tempted to have a piece each but never giving in. Gone is the look of joy on my mom's face when she opens her Christmas gifts. Gone is having someone to share my life with.

It's just so hard to take. I loved her SO much. A lot of people loved her. How couldn't they? She had a great sense of humor, a great outlook on life, and was nice to everyone. Especially me. I know she loved me very much. I know she didn't suffer. I know she's not suffering anymore. I know we ended things on a great note (I told her I loved her before leaving the hospital the last time I saw her, and gave her a kiss on the forehead). But it doesn't make it easier. I don't really feel like doing much anymore. I don't want to have to say goodbye. I have so many wonderful memories of her, and they all hurt. They hurt so much. Not being able to talk to her about them anymore. Not being able to talk to her about anything.

Sorry this is so long. But not having many people to talk to right now, and having her on my mind constantly I needed to say something about her to someone. I miss her, and I don't think I'll ever stop. People say 'things will get better'. But I don't really see how. I don't think this pain can ever go away.

[dsmurph]

Thank you for sharing your mother. hugs

[widower2]

I'm sorry for your loss. No, this pain likely will never "go away," but over time, it should become much more manageable and not such anguish.

[LeanneC]

Hey Justin, I'm assuming that's your name because of your username. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I too lost my mother last August after numerous years of high blood pressure, clots (one was in her leg that stopped her walking far distances), fluid on the lungs and then one morning I too woke up and my mothers arteries blocked and it was too late. I am sharing this with you so that you know you are not alone. My mum was young too, 58 and I am in my 20's also. Do not ever feel like you are the only one, I know how lonely that thought can be.

I'm going to be honest with you, share with you what I have learnt over the year. Your first birthday, Christmas, new year, her birthday etc will all be very hard. You have to prepare yourself because you will break down but I want you to know it's 100% okay to break down, that shows you have true feelings and you mustn't mask them or hold them in, just let them all out. It's very hard, so very hard life without mum. But you will learn so much about yourself throughout this process and you will see how strong you are. You must at all times try to stay positive about life. When my mum first past I had feelings of wanting to end it all, thinking the pain will never end or go away, I felt trapped and that I couldn't live without her. You might too feel this way. This is you grieving, this is normal. You must go through all the stages and feelings of grief.

A year or so on, the pain will still be there, it is still there for me but I have learnt to deal with every day life and juggling these emotions but I still have break down, I'm human and so are you. For as long as I live I will mourn for my mum until I meet her again. Do not expect yourself to "get over it" or put a time on it. You might find people will push you to "get over it". No. You feel what you want and need to feel. You will become stronger by being your own friend.

You are already on a good road being able to talk about your mother, that is very good. Always talk about her, share memories, I would love to hear them. One thing that helped me was printing or finding photos of her from all ages and I have one in a picture frame on my bed side cabinet and some on my wall. If I ever want to talk to her, she is there. I also started a journal which really helped at times when I was breaking down and felt the world was against me. I bought a note pad and wrote letters to her, expressing my feelings and not stopping to think what I was writing, just letting myself write to her. That really helped so much and I'm still writing in that journal hoping she can read it.

You must stay strong Justin. I am living proof that you can live through it. Never be ashamed if you feel down. I'm here to listen and to help that's where my head is at now. I feel I've went through the hardest mile, I can help others walk through theirs and give them hope.

Remember your mum will be very proud of you and now you must make her prouder.

Much love

Leanne x

[DPOP1942]

I just wanted to say i am so sorry for all of your losses, i lost my dad 10 years ago and i just lost my mom about 2 weeks ago, so i know your pain, and i just wanted to let you all know if you need to talk about something that i would be there to listen, and if need be, to talk back to you, so feel free do drop me a line or 2, and may God bless you all.

[k.damir]

Justin, beautiful and warm story. I lost my mom a year and a half ago, I am an only child/son and I understand very well your feelings. :hug: