New here and so lost!

[sweetbabegirl]

I have been visiting the cancer message boards for the last 5 1/2 months, and now that he is gone I need help with the grieving I feel.

My husband was diagnosed with cancer the week after Thanksgiving. He started Chemo and Radiation the following week. The doctors told us that he was *fixable*, my husband kept such a positive attitude. The day before he was scheduled for surgery, they did another PET Scan and his Liver lit up like a Christmas tree. The surgery was off! They said there was nothing more they could do. They gave him the option of more chemo, but said it would give him alittle more time. My husband chose to not have the chemo, cause it made him so sick.

The next month, my husband was able to get around, but had days of nothing but sleep and throwing up. I can remember those nights of sitting next to him, helping him. Then he decided he needed to go to San Diego, to say his good byes to family and friends. As sick as he was I would have never denied him of that. He left for San Diego in April, stayed 1 week. The first couple of days he seemed fine, but then down hill from there. When he came back home, he didn't do anything anymore. It was hard enough to get him to eat. We enjoyed our talks, and thought we had everything taken care of for after he passes.  I spent each night holding him, rubbing his back and side until he would fall asleep, only to be awakened to the throwing up.

As the days went on, he knew it was getting closer. I am not sure how they know, but they do!!! He told our family and friends it was no longer weeks, it was days. Everytime I would hear him say this, I would get this huge lump in my throat.

Thursday as I was leaving for work, I tried to wake him and he seemed so out of it, it scared me so I went to work, grabbed what I could and went back home. The rest of that day he seemed to sleep alot. Friday I stayed home and he was able to get up and sit in his chair, but was distant. He had me run to the bank, *which I didnt really need to do* and when I came back he was on the phone calling people, telling them he only had a few days, and wanted to make sure he had good phone numbers for them...again this was out of the normal for me, and I went into the bathroom and cried.....Sat...wow....family and friends showed up, he actually sat outside all day, ate some dinner....and asked me to give him a bath. He started dosing in his chair so I put him to bed.

Sunday *Mother's Day* I woke up to him throwing up, this time it was alittle different. He also told me he had to use the bathroom, so I helped him in there. When I got him back to bed, I noticed it was blood. Every 20 minutes he was having me take him back to the bathroom. This went on all day. He was never totally alert, but knew what and who was around him.

On the third trip to the bathroom, he said to me, Diana your *dad* is here....OMGGGGGG (my father passed away 4 years ago)....I turned my head and cried. I knew then that this was going to be the day. My heart instantly fell to the floor.

After that I could not get him to lay down, he would sit on the edge of the bed and dose off, then it happened....He kinda started swinging his arms in the air, said he had to GO....let him GO.....His breathing changed.....his mother left the room to get a pill, and he rolled over, grabbed my hand....I laid my head on his shoulder and he was gone!!!  Then I heard this ungodly sound, like a child with a snotty nose, and a gurgle, I placed my hand by his mouth and it was full of blood. I yelled for my mom to get towels and quick....within minutes he was laying in a pool of blood.

I keep re-living that moment in my head. I can't sleep, I am distracted......I MISS him more then anyone will know....he was my ROCK!!!

Anyways, now ya'll know my story.....can anyone advise me on how to accept the fact that he is gone??

 

 

[doug42]

hi, im sorry for your heart ache..i know how you feel..all i can say is try to surround yourself with people..find some support groups and try not to hold anything in..let the tears flow..it does get better, but it takes time..its been 4 years for me and somedays are still hard..im glad that you are on this site,,alot of good people here to help you..i still go to grief groups, they have been very helpful to me and i have met alot of wonderful people there..im here if you need to talk...doug

[laquinn]

I am so sorry you had to find this place but it is a very good place to talk vent yell or what ever you have to do.  My husband passed on October 12, 2007. He was diagnossed on Feb 1 of 07 with renall cell carcoma of the right kidney. We went to see a surgen and he said they could take it out and he would be fine. Had the surgey on April 12 everything went good. He went back to work full time at the end of May was doing ok but I had to take him to the emergency room at least once a month in June July and August. Finally in August I made them do a bone scan(after I was told by someone else to have it done.) We found out the day after labor day it was in his bones I also found out later they should have done this before he had the surgery. He started radiation had 6 treatments and had to be admitted to the hospital. At that time I was told they would give him 2 weeks. While he was in the hospital he fell and broke his arm so they did surgery it was bad.  All he kept telling me was he wanted to go home that was all he wanted was to come home. The night before he came home I thought that was gonna be the night he didn't eat anymore and he just slept. He woke up the next morning and said good morning as if nothing was wrong. So I brought him with hospic (they were a life saver without them I would not been able to do it). I had him home one week and on that Friday night I knew that was gonna be the day I am not sure why but I knew. The ealry mornign hours on Thursday he had a really bad spell he thought I was trying to kill him and was trying to get out of bed and he could not walk or sit up anymore.

That week he was home we would sit and talk and listen to the music we loved and I stayed by his side in the bed in the living room. I would not have changed anything about that week other than that is when he left me. It has been a very hard time for me just because we were together for 27 years and we had so many plans that we wanted to do.

I won't say that I am over  any of this yet just that somedays are alot better than others. You will never forget him you will always have him in your heart I do know that it is so hard to go on but come here as often as you need to find friends that will be there for you and let you talk when you need to.

Please come back and let us know how you are doing!

You are in my prayers Lela

[rodless]

Diana, I am so sorry you had to join us. My husband died 7/7/06 after a 5 yr. battle with non-hodgkins so I can sympathize with some of what you've been through. I was lucky to have hospice support and he was able to come home as he wanted to. It's been almost 2 years and I am doing a lot better than I was then, but it still helps to come here and talk. As you go through this you will have others here walking the same timetable you are and they will be lots of help. And those of us who have made it further can hopefully encourage you along. Mary Jo

[grannyc]

Dear ((Sweetbabegirl))  I, too, am so sorry you needed this place.  But, it will help!

Don't just stay on this thread, visit around.  There are so many good spots to share and find like minded mourners.    My husband passed away 7/10/06  after a short battle with a lung disease he carried for all these years (since Viet Nam) but it stayed dormant until late 2004, I noticed he was not as healthy or something.  I'd even mentioned to our children something made me think something was going on with him.  2/2005 we almost lost him.....it was not until april of 2005 he finally got a diagnosis of this terminal rare lung disease(agent orange type)  They told him he probably had at least 3 years if not 5....14 months later, one Monday afternoon, he laid down for a simple nap, and that was it.   Wow!  the pain, shock, denial, disbelief, It is something that hits us physically it is so traumatic. Mentally and Spiritually, also.

You are still in shock.  Don't expect much out of yourself.  Take care of yourself and be good to yourself.....It is alot of work-to grieve that is.....Just getting out of bed at times was all I would accomplish for one day......Some people will be with you through this continually and some fall by the way side becuz they don't know any longer what to do with us.  We are living everyone's worst nightmare.....And until we were thrown into this valley....We neither knew what it was all going to entail.

I have found some wonderful friends through this sight that I e-mail daily, privately and have gotten so much help and encouragement from them.  My last months I've noticed more growth through this valley and once and awhile I even find a grassy spot or two.  But, bumps keep coming up in my path...My faith has played an enormous part of my making it through this.  I hope you, too, will stay with us and let us help each other.....We need you, as much as you need us.

Sincerely, Cheryl 

[qubert]

Sweetbabegirl,

Cheryl is so right. I am at the 5 month mark and sites like these are what helped me get through the day. I found one site were I can have a journal, I can keep it private or allow my friends to look at it and comment on what was going on in my life that day. It is my way of talking to my husband, I write him every evening before I go to bed and say a prayer for him to come to my in my dreams. After about 3 months he came. I also journal my dreams other wise this old woman forgets. This is a long and lonely road. Blessings coming your way.

Susan not to get confused 2 susan's here both our husbands were named Bruce