Adults Who Have Lost Their Parents

[bucsgal47]

I am sorry for those who have lost their loved ones throughout the last few days...

I am actually seeking information for my future in-laws.

They buried their two children at the masoleum long ago when they were residences of Metairie and are agonizing with the thoughts of conditions in the area due to the destruction. Neither can get through on the phones and have been helping family members who are coming to FL from the New Orleans area. It has been very difficult for them to even bring the subject to light.

If someone could reply, I would just like to know if the masoleum and cemetary are sound, or if the area is also under water, how conditions really are. Please--- even if the conditions are bad, it would help just to know so that they can emotionally cope before they drive there when the time comes...

Thank you to all, and God Bless everyone on this board. My heart goes to all of you and you will be in my prayers.

[swede1]

If anyone here deals with being a distance from where your parents are resting. I am over 300 miles away and have a very difficult time with not being able to go to the grave of mom and dad. If anyone has any ideas or can tell me how they have handled this I would appreciate it.

Chrisncamsmom,

Since my Mother's ( and a favourite aunt's ) ashes are, last I heard over a year ago, still just sitting in my brother's closet, with NO final resting place, and without even the urn I had asked him to allow me to pick out for our Mother (he never responded to my plea), I have to deal with this, on top of being over 800 miles away from the city she died in. So all I CAN do is immerse myself in knowing that her physicality is not the most important issue, and that she HAS been here, with me, through her visitations (ADC's). If they've 'gone on', then it shouldn't matter WHERE their bodies are, or in what form they're in now. I just look at her pictures every day, talk to her when the mood strikes, try to keep our relationship alive through this talking and sharing of feelings about her/us. Whenever I think of her as I go about my days, I ask her if she's heard my thoughts as they come up. What has been harder for me is that, even if I wanted to or COULD go visit her cremains, I've been denied that privelege....which I'd never thought of as a privelege, but a right......my controlling and greedy brother has changed THAT misconception for good!

[swede1]

Madammystic,

Although I understand what you're trying to say about our loved ones leaving misery behind and carrying on to freedom from the body, I still think the actual process of dying can be very ugly. My furchild had a traumatic death ( maybe your parents didn't?) and his tortured-looking face almost killed me, having to watch him trying to breath when he no longer could. I also had to witness and deal with his tongue hanging far out of his mouth ( something you don't normally see all their lives )after he was gone, NOT leaving him looking peaceful whatsoever!!!! It was like the most horrifying nightmare I'd ever had, and I've had plenty through my life! I had to get my husband to push it back into his mouth so that I could look at him without shaking to bits. I also have a pediatrician friend who, in her medical training days, had to watch people die and she has told me herself that most commonly it isn't a pretty or peaceful thing, UNTIL they've gone, when many then assume a peaceful look. In her words, "...most people, to MY mind, look VERY ugly when they are in the last stages and the involuntary body reflexes have taken over." To know that they've already left, in spirit, before alot of that horror is seen by us, is my only comfort....otherwise I simply could not deal with those final images that will only leave my inner-eye if I develop dementia!

[mag525]

I am new to this discussion board. My Dad died of a horrible bout of year long struggle with cancer on June 11 and my mother in law dies on April 30 of the same thing. it's been a hard year for my husband and I. I'm sure you all can relate. THe void is huge bigger than the ocean. I still feel like I can pick up the phone and call Dad in hospital and yell at him to eat. I still feel like we can hop in the car and see Mama (mother in law) anytime and she'd give us the best and tightest hugs ever. I miss them so much. I cry and cry this sucks.

[clittlelady]

To Lemonhead.... How I understand what you have lived through, having other siblings who took a back seat to your parent's needs. I was my mother's only daughter and unfortunately, the youngest of the family. I cared for her because I loved her and because she relied heavily upon me as "her only daughter". I lost her August 30th, 2005. She was 86. I Was with her not only for the last ten years of diminishing health due to almost crippling osteoporosis, but the last year, she was totally unable to feed herself due to familial tremors. Her mind was sharp until she began to have "mini strokes". However, she remained in her own home, thankfully, due to the assistance of a government funded program "Elderly waiver Program", which provided 98 hours a week of sitters for her. I work full time and have had my own family and home, as well as making sure that her needs were being met, if not by myself, to make sure she was treated properly by her caregivers. I would prepare home cooked meals and keep her freezer stocked with nutritious food for her. I worried every day about her. Called her four times and day and saw her three to four times a week, sometimes more and spent nights with her and the last three months, spent nights with her because I knew her condition was worsening and was so worried for her to be alone at night. Two brothers lived within minutes of her home, yet their trips were very infrequent and their phone calls even less. One brother resides in Colorado and only the last few months of her life did he choose to call her weekly. I live twenty minutes from her home. I took off from work for her doctor's appointments and to attend some of her other business affairs. Still, with all my presence, I couldn't be "them", my brothers. She still yearned for their company and all I could do was hurt for her. They would tell me, every now and then, "Sis, I don't see how you do all that you do." When the last few critical weeks presented themselves, I took off work for three weeks and didn't leave her side until after she had taken her last breath of life. Both brothers who live locally were there with her. Both were in and out of her hospital room sporadically,

"It was getting to the them to see her like that". We did take her home after she regained consciousness from a two day coma. She wanted to die at home and her wishes were honored. I cared for her at home for six days following her last stroke, bathing her, pureed her food and fed her, made all attempts to provide comfort and love until the end. She had several wonderful sitters, one of whom I truly to believe an angel for my mother and myself, a 72 year old black lady who had the sweetest spirit. She didn't look 72 though, she looked only a few years older than myself and I'm 44. I would tell them that I wasn't trying to take over their "job", but these were the last labors of love I could do for my mother. No, my brothers were there nearly as much as I believe they should have been or as much as our Mother desired. When I lay down at night and close my eyes, I still cry and believe I will for some time to come, however, I have a peace and comfort in knowing that I did all that I could do to ease her departure from this life. I've read many different stories of those who have experienced the death of their parent and it was not so peaceful. To each one of you, my heart truly breaks for you. Mother was unconscious for 18 hours before she took her last breath and as she did, there was no struggle, there was no bodily reflexes. There was sleep. She was in congestive heart failure and her lungs were full of fluid. She was oxygen dependent and here kidneys were failing. Everything was shutting down. I had several close friends who are nurses, as well as a wonderful home health nurse who had all tried to prepare me "for the worse". I was comitted that if she could bear the pain of birth for me, I could bear the sorrow of her death, however it must be. To top off this story, my mother left her home and all meeger furnishings to my eldest brother, who did the least for her and wouldn't answer her phone calls. Go figure. To put one child ahead of another I'll never understand. However, I believe she did the best she could in many ways with her limited education. My mother was of a strong Christian Faith and always said "In Everything Give Thanks". I so I do. God Bless you all.

[lemonhead]

To clittlelady,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It hasn't been very long for you and yet you are able to comfort others already. I thank you very much for sharing your story with me. It helps to know that others go through so many of the same things during difficult times. As my mom's youngest daughter, I know I took on a lot of the responsibilities myself. Also due to the fact that I have a nursing background...I was in RN school when my mom had her first stroke and even then at 19, my older siblings relied on me to attend to all the medical questions, appointments, etc. I did that willingly until I started my own family, and they relied on me for all other types of care for my mom. I was 8 months pregnant when, after a few years, we were forced to get my mom on medicaid. It was me standing in the line rather than my older sisters who were not even working at the time. This is just one example of how every need of my mother's for 19 years got ran past me. I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that this was my place in our family, and my mother was pretty well taken care of because of it, and like you I love my mom sooo much. I always felt that I would be at peace when my mom's end came, but because of some of my siblings, I am not. It is getting better since I first started writing on this site, but many of my feelings of guilt remain. My mom loved all us kids, and they all love her...this I am certain. The ones that could be, were there at her end, and I am glad for her sake. My mom also suffered from CHF, and those last 4 days were extremely difficult to witness. I too had a wonderful nurse, that managed to ease some of the discomfort for the family, as my mom was not suffering at all. I truly appreciate your words of comparison to the pain of birth to bearing the sorrow of death. I believe I had always kept everything my mom ever did for me in the front of my mind and in my heart and it is why I was so capable of doing so much for her. By all rights, I should be guilt free about her death, but I still wish there was something else I could have done, I really miss her a lot. I am thankful for the time we did have and thankful she could count on me. May God Bless you too.

[clittlelady]

TO CHRISCAMSMOM: Regarding the distance you are from where your Mother is resting. My mother just passed away August 30th, 2005. In all honesty, she is only 65 miles from where I live. Those 65 miles seem billions of miles to me, at this point of my grief. However, I have a brother who is buried 1200 miles from where I reside now. I live in northern Louisiana, this is where we were born and reared. For a while, I lived in Southwestern Colorado and my brother, Glynn, had come for a visit. He bought a motorcycle while he was there and had a horrible accident. He died as a result of that accident at the age of 37. We buried him there in the mountains. I have since moved back to Louisiana and have been here now for twenty years. I have felt very guilty at times for leaving him there with strangers, even though I'm really the one who is aware of that fact, instead of him. I have been back to visit the area, to visit my husband's family. I have taken pictures of Glynn's grave and closeups of his toombstone. No matter how many years come and go, he's still my brother. I still miss him off and on through the years, on special occasions, his birthday or on no specific occasion at all. It does help when I think of him as being away on a long vacation or working off on an extended work project. Taking out the pictures of his grave does refresh the reality of it all and makes me feel like I'm there and that I haven't left him. He is still in my heart. There are florists who will deliver flowers directly to grave sites, if you have specific instructions to the grave location. That might help your feelings some. I don't know if anything I've said has helped, but I hope so. I'm finding grief to be a daily companion. Reading many of these postings helps me, gives me strength, shows me new perspectives. I hope I can help someone else in some small way. Take Care.

[clittlelady]

To Madamystic: I've just read what you've shared regarding letting your father go and the way you and your mother comforted him and let him know it was okay to go. I don't know what it is about the human spirit, but it seems even though I know I've done, what I felt was un an unselfish, loving act, to encourage and almost celebrate my little 86 year old Mother's departure from this life and to a better one, I too have felt a little twinge of guilt recently. I've thought should I or shouldn't I have told her to go on and rejoice in her knew life when she heard the Lord call her name and the angel's take her hand. Don't misunderstand, I fought back tears and choking up, with every ounce of my being, as I softly sang to her the old gospel hymns she first taught me. As I kissed and stroked her forehead and told her "Thank You for Everything You've ever done for your children, for every sacrifice you've made, for teaching me faith and how to pray." For telling her " We all love you and will see you again." For telling her, "I'll miss you everyday of my life, but always keep you and your teachings in my heart." Guilt? Then I catch myself and remind myself of what I do believe and what she has taught me. That God has an intricate plan for everyone and that everything has a purpose. It's not all for our understanding. But it was indeed a bittersweet and privileged moment to witness her weary body draw it's last breath in this life and in my belief, her next breath was as a refreshed, new spirit in a kingdom she was striving in this life to enter. I don't have to wonder what happened to her or how it was for her. God honored a prayer I had asked him as a five year old child. I was my mother's "late in life child". I was born when she was almost forty two. She had a major heart attack when I was five. I remember being told she was seriously ill. I remember her being gone for a long time. I remember praying, "Jesus, please let me be with my Mamma when she dies whenever that is, I don't want her to die alone." I was five. I'm forty four now. He didn't forget my prayer. As Mamma said, "In all things give Thanks." You and your Mother are blessed and did a wonderful thing and if you feel like me, after that experience, I'll never be the same. Take Care.

[hgd024]

I'm sorry...this is really long, but I have a lot to get off my chest....

I lost my mother on June 9th...it was her 68th birthday and 3 days after my parents' 48th anniversary. She died of a heart attack which caused an aortic aneurism that we never knew she had, to burst. She died within 30 seconds. That's the one thing that is helping me to get over the pain of knowing that she died alone in the middle of the night. The thought of her feeling any pain at all is what I can't get over and keep thinking about. I keep asking why she couldn't just go in her sleep, peacefully. My Dad was asleep in another room of the house and before knowing what really happened to my mother, was just overcome with guilt in thinking that she might have layed there calling for him all night long and he just didn't hear her.

She had been getting more and more tired over the past couple of years and stopped doing the things she'd enjoyed most, and she was getting noticably thinner too. She hadn't seen a doctor in 25 years and there was no convincing her to see one. About a month before dying, she showed my sister where all of her important papers were, "just in case" she said. I know she knew her time was coming, but wouldn't let anyone in the family know. She complained of a lot of stomach aches and shortness of breath...we now know that the stomach aches were a result of the anuerism and the shortness of breath was from her artery slowly clogging. I know that she went in her own way...no doctors, no hospitals, no one fussing over her, but still I wish we knew so that we could have said our goodbyes.

It's especially tough on my because I'm the only child who did not live in the same town as my parents...I live 5 hours away...and did not get to see her much. I had major back surgery in February and the last time she saw me, I was lying in bed for 21 hours a day and not looking too good. The worst part of all is that I didn't get to call her on her birthday. It was my first full day back work to work and I was exhausted when I got home, fell asleep until about 10pm, got something to eat and then called her house at 11:50pm. There was no answer, which was really strange becuase she was alway awake at that hour, but I figured maybe she was sound asleep in the bedroom with the ac on and there are no phones in the bedroom. I did have a weird feeling though when I hung up and thought of calling my sister, but didn't. My dad said that last he saw her was when my sister called at 10:30pm and she was in the bed. He found her the next morning at 5am kneeling in front of the couch. He figures she got up between the time he saw her in bed and the time I called to lay on the couch and that's when the heart attach happened.

It's still all so hard to comprehend and I still can't believe she's gone. I think about her at the most random times and sometimes I'm angry and other times I'm just soooo sad. I guess I'm here to see how others are coping with similar losses and feelings. Thanks for listening!

[clittlelady]

To HGD024:

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mother. I too am mourning the loss of my mother who passed away August 30th, 2005. She was 86. She and my father divorced when I was a baby and she is the only parent I ever knew. She was the Rock. Last night was a bad night for me, so I thought I would share with someone else who is hurting. I miss her so terribly much. Of one thing I am sure, I will never be the same. I guess the only way to get through it all, is to look for the good. And there is good. Your Mother sounds a lot like mine, about being quiet about things regarding her health and not going to the doctor. Head-strong is what her children called it and it's a trait she passed along to the rest of us. From what you've shared, it sounds like your Mother had it her way. She was in her home and she was not alone. She knew your father was in the next room and if she was as sweet as she sounds, she probably didn't want to disturb him. To the end she was probably thinking of someone else. Hopefully, it was instantaneous. As you said, her last moments were not spent in a hospital, with tubes and machines, but the comfort in the surroundings of her own home. I'm sorry you didn't get to tell her good bye as you would have like to. I was with my Mother from before the hospital trip, through a two day coma and back home to die in her own home, as per her wishes, which occurred six days after we brought her back home. I was holding her precious little hand as she took her last breath in this life. Listening to what you wrote though, your mother knew she wasn't feeling well and she could have done things differently if she so chose. But apparently it was her way and didn't want that burden put upon her loved ones, of saying good bye. Yes, a burden. I think saying good bye and knowing it's really good bye is hard. Bittersweet as it was and I do feel privileged having said good bye to my mother, good bye didn't ease my heart break or the way I'm missing her at all. And for your mother, maybe she didn't want to say good byes. I guess there are many ways you could look at it. I don't know what your faith is, but I do know my Mother taught me how to have faith and how to pray. She always told me, "In everything give thanks." Sometimes, especially now, I find that harder to do that since she has left me. Your Mother was blessed to have spent 68 years here and doubly blessed to spend 48 years with the man she loved. So many can never say that. I hope your Father doesn't blame himself for not being in the room with her, for some things are not for us to know or be a part of. If he was there for her in her life, I believe this was truly the most important presence of which he should treasure. I lost a brother when he was 37, following a horrible motorcycle accident. He was in a coma for two weeks and then awoke, however he was severely brain damaged. The family had spent so many nights and days at the hospital with him. It seemed he had stabilized at one point and one night everybody left to try and get some rest. My Mother and I went home. She was on her way to the hospital the next morning with one of my other brothers when I received a phone call that Glynn had passed away. My Mother, like your father just felt she should have been there. But you can't know everything. I live believing that there is a reason for everything, even though some of it is beyond our understanding. I hope and pray you, your family and your Father will heal in time, however I know that nothing will fill that void. My mother was 86 years old and about 86 pounds, but she's left a huge hole in my heart. I believe we're suppose to grieve, for if we didn't, it wouldn't say much about the person we've lost. So when I say this, know that you're not alone, God bless you as you grieve.

[hgd024]

Thank you Clittle....what you've said is all so true and although I know Mom lived and died in her own way, it's still the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I've lost a lot of loved ones over the years, including my brother when I was 7...he was 23. I was mom's mid-life baby, born when she was 37, 12 years after her last baby was born, so my grandparents and many aunts and uncles have already passed, but this is by far, the worst ever.

You're right in that she did pass her stubbornness to me and having lived with my parents as they got older, I understood their outlook on life a little better than my older siblings did. My brothers and sister were so angry with her at first becuase she hadn't been to a doctor and her problems could have been easily prevented with x-rays and minor surgeries, but I was never angry with her. Everytime she had seen a doctor in the past, she was put into surgery and spents in recovery and pain. I understood her fears of doctors and hospitals and her need to do things in her own way and tried to explain it to my siblings over the first few weeks. Luckily, my father understood this too, but everytime my mother would get really sick, he would tell us kids that his worst fear was coming home from a day of golf or waking up and finding her dead....and his worst fear did come true. He tried everything he could when she would get sick, to get her to the doctor's office, but there was no way she was going. The closest person to a doctor she would see was my brother who is an EMT. He would check her out and tell her she had to eat and drink lots of fluids, but that was it...she was definitely stubborn

I know of many friends who have lost parents to long-term illnesses and every single of of them have told me that in a sense, we were lucky in that we didn't have to watch our mother die a little bit each day, she lived her live right up until that final moment. We do take comfort in that. Also, we were able to donate her corneas and one of them was used in a successful transplant. Someone is now able to see because of our mother's wish to donate her organs. That thought alone helps to get me through the hard times.

[willow34]

Hello. I feel as though I must be being punished by God. I know I am not perfect, but by no means do I think I deserve what has been handed to me. My father was my best friend, I live in L.A, now and always looked forward to the day I moved back to upstate N.Y. near my father. We did everything together. How would God allow me to say those things to him on the last call? Telling my father to end it all. This was after he told me he was going back into the hospital the next day for his illness. I must have been upset because I had a feeling he was lying to me for the two previous months, I had no idea he needed he was this bad off. I feel like an idiot for not knowing. I knew him better then I knew myself. I don't want to exculde that the conversation did not end with those words. It went on for another 45 minutes, me trying to get the truth from him on his health. And encouraging him that another trip to the hosptial is the right thing to do. I even called back after the conversation ended and ordered him a pizza. I knew he wasn't eating well, he never did when he got depressed. He thanked me for it. And he sounded good. That was the last time I ever talked to him. He killed himself the next day. He was 65. I lost my mother five years ago. She was only 57. Now, I am 35, and have to live in a world where it seems everyone my age has at least one, and mostly both parents. One of my good friends, who is my age, is going to visit her parents this weekend. It makes me so mad that she can do it and I cant. I lost at least twenty years with both my parents. Yoiu would have to go back to 1985 until now to see how long that is. Twenty years of laughs and memories...gone. I accepted my mothers death, but how do I get over my dads. It is just too much. he was a huge part of my life. Heck, he was my life. I just wanted him happy, and I feel I failed as a son because I wasnt there at the end. I had a great life and now I just wish I was never born. To live to see my own dad kill himself. That means he could not find anything to live for. I feel I also think I made him feel even more worthless than he was already feeling. I wish I could take the last conversation back. I wish.

[hgd024]

Willow...

I am in the same age range as you, live away from my parents and have just lost my mother very unexpectedly, although not to suicide. Mom was sick for a very long time and never let any of us convince her to seek medical help. Her last visit to a doctor was 25 years ago. In the past 2 years, we all saw her getting thinner and doing less and less of the things she enjoyed. She would get tired very quickly and out of breath. We now know that this was due to problems with her heart.

I had major back surgery in Feb. of this year and my parents were by my side in the hospital that week and came back 2 weeks later to be with me when my husband went back to work becuase I still wasn't ready to be on my own. Our house is very small and can feel crowded with 4 people in it 24 hours a day for a week...I remember that Thursday night saying to my mother, "so are you guys leaving tomorrow?" I was starting to feel crowded and have never been one to accept a lot of help. I really wanted them there for encouragement and to help me when I couldn't do something, but instead, they were doting on me all day long, like parents would, and I guess it was all getting to me. My mother seemed taken aback by my question and I then added, "or through the weekend? I'm ok if you want to leave tomorrow." They did leave the next day, and I've always felt terrible for sort of wanting them to leave that day. It was the last time I saw my mother. We did talk every week on the phone, but it's amazing how the guilt of a conversation can stay with you. I guess that with time, we have to realize that no matter what, we are their children and they will always love us. I wish you the best Willow.

[clittlelady]

To Willow34: I am so very sorry for all the feelings you are having to process in your heart and mind. What a devastation you've endured. First of all, just to let you know where I'm coming from.... my mother died August 30th, 2005. She was my only parent. I never had a relationship with my father. I'm 44. My mother was my best friend and has left a huge hole in my heart. I have three older brothers, which I am not very close to. I feel pretty alone, family wise sometimes. Suicide... I'm familiar with suicide attempts. I have a brother who attempted suicide at the age of 36. The least likely person I would have ever suspected to do that, a happy go lucky, free spirit. He did live over his attempt, because of a great team of surgeons. He put a gun to his chest and fired, missing his heart by three quarters of an inch. He meant to be successful. He didn't mean for it to be an attempt. Following his recovery, physically and mentally, I learned a lot about people who seriously want to end their life. It's not them at that point, the person who you have previously known and even moments before such an act, you cannot decipher whether they're mentally stable or not, due to depression, health issues, mental trauma, etc. Maybe a combination of those which cause them to resort to drastic actions. There is an unrational person who has crossed a mental line and is no longer in control of his actions. It's not necessarily a premeditated act. It's very possible that none of his thoughts at that moment were focused on you or any of your actions or words or lack of. It didn't and doesn't make you a bad son because HE chose to end his life. Your purpose for living goes beyond being his son. The postiive part of your relationship that you had, however wonderful, however limited, the good times and memories, however limited, those are what you must hang on to. Yes, you were cheated out of many future memories, but more than that, he was. You can still have a good life with love and laughter and make the rest of your life positive for yourself and others around you. Everything you do influences someone else, as you well know by now. I ultimately lost that same brother a year later, due to a horrible motorcycle accident. As I said earlier, my mother is gone and I was with her to the end and the hole is just as deep and just as painful. I will live the rest of my life without a parent. My mother would tell me as a small child that the reason I was born was to take care of her. ?????? No, I don't think so. There are other things to do and accomplish. I don't know if anything I've said has been helpful, but I hope so. I hope nothing has been offensive. You're young and hopefully have much more life left. Make the most of it. For the happiness your Father robbed himself of, find in yourself and your life. It sounds like he was sufferring from something much greater than what you could help. Don't spend the rest of your life in regret, it's a useless and destructive emotion. I don't know how to get through all the grief, other than living it one day at a time and the fact that we HAVE to get through it. Take Care...

[swede1]

My mother would tell me as a small child that the reason I was born was to take care of her. ?????? No, I don't think so.

clittlelady,

I couldn't help but notice this comment in your posting. I lost my Mother, too, 1 1/2 years ago ( already! still seems like only a few months ago ), and I remember being told much the same thing, even somewhat into adulthood. She'd say, laughing ( yet I knew she was serious ), "...so you can look after me when I'm old and gray!" A few years before she passed, she said she wanted me to come home ( I live 2 Provinces away ) to "be my nurse." I was SO hurt by that remark, as she wasn't asking me to come and just be her DAUGHTER, but to play a role that SHE'D designated for me, a role once removed from something that would speak to more of a heart-based connection. I never went, for this reason and a few others. Of course, the next time she asked, a few years later, she DIDN'T put it that way, but I still couldn't go ( had someone else sick I was looking after, and other situations, too ), but DO regret that now, and mainly because she just wanted me THERE, not necessarily to do much for her ( which I WOULD have done anyway ), but just to come. Had I known what was to happen shortly afterward, I would have jumped on a plane in an instant, but that's hindsight and of no use to me now. Anyway, just wanted share that similarity, as I've never met anyone else yet who was told the same thing. The funny thing is, although homesteaders usually had as many kids as possible in order to help farm the land, and my grandparents were no exeption to that common rule, my Mother always said she disagreed with that reasoning...yet still thought that elder-care was an okay reason to have children. And while I don't necessarily think it's a terrible concept (after all, good family members, from a good family, WOULD do that for each other), it was never ALSO added that I had value and purpose for being BEYOND any role I might play, and THAT'S what was so offensive to me. In the end, I was trying and wanting to be able to do more, but my hands were tied by then, so still suffer some regrets.

[clittlelady]

To Swede1: Ironic huh? I was my mother's late in life baby.... she was two months away from being 42 when I was born. When I was five, she had a major heart attack and was in the hospital for a while. One of my older brothers actually took me to school to start my very first day. I was told my mother was seriously ill. Naturally, when she came home, I was very clingy and was afraid of losing her. As a child I always worried she would die and leave me, so I tended to take a caretaker role at a young age. She and my father were divorced when I was a baby and he was never in the picture. She was all I had. My four brothers ranged from ages 17 to 8 when I was born. I did hear a lot of "God gave me a little girl finally, to take care of me." She reminded me of this all through my adult life, that I was neglecting her, when I was attending functions with my husband and son. Hindsight shows me what a selfish and controlling little lady she was. She kept journals most all of her adult life. Upon her passing, 8/30/05, I skimmed through a few pages. Funny what you can forget. I had forgotten I would get up and cook (eggs, bacon, toast, coffee) her breakfast many mornings before I went to school and took it to her in bed when "she wasn't feeling well". I was eleven, twelve years old. As much as I loved my mother then and miss her horribly now, she was a hypochondriac. I don't know that she realized the pressure she put on me emotionally. However, I survived. She always prayed at night "God help me live to get my baby grown." I can reflect all day long about things she told me and her ways. I stayed at home until I was twenty two and worked everyday of my life once I graduated high school. I gave her my every paycheck until the day I married and left home. I always remained minutes from her home. There for her any time she needed anything. My brothers always took a very distant back seat and sometimes I found myself really resenting it when one of them would say "Sis, don't know how you do it all". I've always had a career, husband who works shift work and a son whom I've always been involved in his activities, not to leave out an active church member and Sunday school teacher. I allowed her to interfere very unmercifully sometimes in my marriage and the rearing of our son. She was always at our home for all holidays, because my brothers would never invite her to their home. In her later years, the last five, her health steadily declined due to osteoporosis in her spine, fractures, pinched nerves and familial tremors. She couldn't feed herself for the last year and a half. I helped her get involved in a government funded program that she was on a waiting list for two years. Elderly Waiver Program. It provided her 98 hours of care per 7 days for the last year and a half of her life. This consisted of constant meetings, paperwork, doctor's visits of which my brothers had no part of. My mother was becoming increasingly difficult, some days almost impossible to deal with. She was suffering from dementia and mini strokes. She was very mean to her sitters sometimes. I left her home many days in tears. All along, no help from my brothers. One brother is deceased and has been for 23 years. The way I see it, he is the only one with an excuse... One brother passed a mile and a half past her front door everyday for twenty three years and averaged visits maybe once a month, maybe less. My eldest brother "couldn't handle her dementia the last year" and many times would not answer her phone calls. He had "borrowed money from her" and wouldn't answer her calls. She lived on SSI only. Oh, my heart has really taken a beating. Trying to remain nonbitter over their actions. Reminding myself that I did what I did for my Mother because I loved her and would have no regrets. I prepared home cooked meals and kept them in her freezer so her sitters were giving her nutritious meals she liked. I'm not patting me on the back, by no means, but I stayed with my Mother until she took her last breath, made sure her wishes were honored regarding no life supports. One of my nonparticipating brothers wanted her on a ventilator. I said what for? So you can prolong her days to ease your conscious? Hard feelings came and went. The ultimate bomb.... My eldest brother and my Out of state brother didn't pay any portion of her funeral costs. She would never allow us to carry a burial policy on her. One brother paid his "fourth". I paid "three fourths". The funeral home was literally holding her body hostage thirty minutes before viewing time, had not put her in the coffin. My husband, my hero, resecued me and paid the eldest brother's portion so we could bury my mother. What an unbelievable experience. Since I found out my mother left my eldest brother as her executor of her estate (of which her home was her only asset) and left him everything she possessed at the time of her death. The brother who wouldn't answer her calls. I wanted nothing but our family photo albums, which I did get. She had them from the horse and buggy days. My mother had a hospital bed, several other items for handicapped people, scooter, etc., all of which were paid for by Medicare. I wanted to donate them to someone other elderly person who needed them. Guess what? My brother said, no, I'll need to sell them. I wouldn't have done anything differently for my mother's care, but I don't understand how she could choose one child over another. That's hurt me more than anything and has altered my grieving. My son and I have a wonderful relationship and he says "Mom, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger". With this and my faith in God, I will put this behind me eventually. I miss her so much in spite of everything. Just have a big Why? Mother had many wonderful qualities. I'm careful to guard those good memories. She taught me to cook and sew. She taught me some pretty valuable moral values. She taught me to pray. My experience with her as she left this world was so bittersweet. Guess this is just a day to ramble. Thanks for listening. I know we all have grief, that's why we're here, for support. Thanks again. God Bless.

[lemonhead]

to clittlelady:

Go ahead and pat yourself on the back...you deserve it. I can truly understand many of your thoughts and feelings on this matter. I too had the bulk of the responsibility for caring for my mom. I too protected her from everything, including criticisms from her own parents at times. I too have resentments for siblings that didn't help out. I too have the bittersweet emotions of her last breath and being there. This grieving for our mothers is so much more difficult than I ever imagined. They say that a mother/ daughter relationship is very unique, this must be why losing our moms is one of the hardest experiences. Through all my sadness (today has been really rough), I just want to always remember that my mom alone taught me how to love and care. I have wonderful children and a great husband, and feel so proud that I was able to always care for my mom because of how deep our love for one another was. Though there were moments that I could have thrown my hands up, I always stuck by her. You did the same and that is why you deserve a huge pat on the back. The strength of the love we all have for our mothers is something we all share here.

[swede1]

Clittlelady,

WOW. I'm left breathless by your story! I'll be writing more to you later, but for now let me just say that you've done GOOD, putting up with all that yet still managing to do all the proper and fitting things you did. And it does MY heart good, knowing there are other daughters out there who are as ambiguous about their relationships with their mothers as I am....and feel bitterness towards their other family members, too. Your recounting of the turmoil at your mother's funeral was also a help to me, since yours is the first I've heard that's come close to the nonsense I experienced over final arrangements, too. "What an unbelievable experience", indeed! Those are perfect words, ones I've said myself. Thank-you for sharing all that, and I'll be back later to reply with more.

[septemberspain]

Somehow or another I never thought I would be here posting a letter because my best friend, my mom would be gone. My mom who just happened to be the picture of good health was diagniosed with stage 4 colon cancer 6/27/05 and she died 9/5/05.

I am so hurt and so confused about this whole thing that I feel as if my mind is going in circles. My mother had a colonoscopy done 3/11/05 and was told the only thing she had was hemorroids. It wasn't until she had a growth removed from her side that this monster was discovered. I can't believe that she was given a clean bill of health by her doctor (I have a letter from her) even though my mother expressed fear that there was more to it than hemorroids she told my mom to come back in 6 months, that she was fine! The growth turned out to be Cancer, that growth turned out to be a tumor that had metasasized that growth turned out to be the thing that would separate me from my mom. I use to live in another state until June 20th the day I came home to go to the doctor with my mom because she had a fear that something was wrong. I came here to hold her hand to reassure her that Dr's are paid to make sure their patients are healthy boy was I ever wrong what started out as a week's visit has turned into my nightmare. By the time my mom was diagnoised there was NOTHING that could be done for her. No chemo no surgery nothing. No matter what treatments were available they were not available to her because it was too late. So here I am 45yrs old trying to make sense of what happened. I wasn't allowed the time to absorb the fact that my mom was sick, I wasn't even allowed to return home because once the intial shock started to set in my role of caregiver had to kick in. I was in another state fighting a battle against something that I knew I couldn't win against. Here I was trying to gather as much information on what was going on with our mother to break the news to my younger siblings. Here I was trying to make sense out of how this could have happened and then she was gone. There were no signs of sickness there was no signs that there was anything wrong but yet I still had to prepare my younger sisters and brother to let them know that the mother that we have is dying. A mother knows her children and she even put us in position while she was dying, she knew I was that most sensitive so she asked me to be her care giver because she knew if any of us would feel her pain it would be me and she knew I would fight like he## to keep her out of it. She had my younger sister to handle her finances since they already lived together she knew what had to be done and she also knew that once she passed she had to continue to handle the house. My other sister well she's a spit fire just like my mom so she told her she wanted her to protect her and to stand firm on her wishes. And she knew that once our battle was over we would need the support and the strong arms of our brother so yes she put us in position. But even knowing that even knowing there was NOTHING we could have done to change the out come, I still find myself questioning my actions during that time I still ask myself how do I stop this pain I still ask myself how could I have changed the outcome? There is nothing worse than watching someone you love die from something that there is no cure for. I don't wish her back to go through the pain I just want her back. I hate the fact that death is permanent, I even hate the fact I can't cry or grieve because I'm so twisted up emotionally. But I hate even more being out trying to forget and seeing someone who knew my mom ask me "How's your mom"? She was a elementary school teacher just home during the summer and even though I know she was well known in our community the children still ask where she is I know I can't be upset with them or the other people who knew her but if I could crawl into a hole for the next year until everyone finds out so I don't have to explain she's no longer alive I would be able to grieve and not put on this stupid "brave" front so I don't walk around crying at the thought that I'll never see my bestfriend and mother again, I'll be alright.

[swede1]

Dear Septemberspain,

How sorry I am for your loss of your mother. It's a very difficult thing for a daughter to lose a mom, and I feel your pain, too. I lost mine as well, and my brother 2 months later, and my furchild 4 yrs before that. I'm also in my 40's. I also understand these sudden losses, as my brother had one sudden, massive stroke, and my Mom passed after 6 months in hospital and rehab., also from stroke, though she had survived breast cancer years before.

Don't fret about your inability to cry yet, as you're probably still in shock. Mine didn't really wear off completely for an entire year, although I had many, many post-death traumatic events that didn't allow me to grieve thoroughly during that first year...but it's caught up now, so after 1.5 yrs. I'm still grieving, though not in as extreme agony as earlier. I am curious though as to why you feel you mustn't cry in front of others. I remember 2 different neighbours catching me at the mailbox, wondering if I was ill ( I'd lost weight after my furchild's passing and after my Mom and brother, I just didn't look well ) and I broke down, telling them about my losses. One was very sympathetic ( she'd lost both parents plus a sister over about 8 years ), the other was no great shakes in that department. If nothing else, it let me know quickly which one I could be me in front of and which one I no longer wanted to associate with. This becomes important during your healing, as you don't want to subject yourself to the unsympathetic, non-understanding types. You've got enough pain to deal with, without that kind of nonsense.

You ARE fortunate that you have siblings to lean on, and visa versa, as that goes a long way towards healing. I had the opposite in one sibling left who has caused nothing but more grief and rage, and a father who was even worse.

As for doctors, many of us have suffered from their lack of either expertise, plain ignorance or downright egotism, or from tests falling short of the mark. With my furchild's case, it was cancer that had metastisized as well, into his lungs ( and likely already in much of his body ) by the time it even showed up on X-rays. Just 2 weeks before they showed spots throughout his lungs, there had been only one, tiny spot showing which the Emerg. Dr. put off to a bad X-ray. Blood tests a couple of months previous showed everything looking GOOD, not just fine. There was very little we had time to try for him and so he passed after only about a month.

So sometimes it's a mix of bad medicine &/or poor test methods. With my Mom, the Dr.'s just wouldn't listen to me, despite me quoting respected medical studies that in no uncertain terms suggested they be more cautious, or change her meds to safer alternatives or doses. There were also a number of incidents of poor to abusive treatment, lack of standard and accepted treatment methods when necessary and other such problems. If not for a hospital Dr.'s overdose of blood-thinner earlier on, my Mom might well still be alive yet, as she steadily declined overall after that mistake. They almost killed her outright once, and ultimately lost the battle later on. So you're not alone in your frustration &/or anger at the medical establishment, believe me!

Guilt over not being able to save our loved ones is as common as air. About the only 'answer' some of us fall back on is that somehow, some way, it was just meant to be this way, OR that there were several possible times where someone might have returned to spirit, but chose one over another. Who really knows? It is simply the perceived task of the grieving to ask in frustration, and eventually find our own personal ways to live with what happened, accept it in some way if we can, and cope with our grief as much as possible. You can't really 'forget' that your mom left, although your mind may need to play that game for awhile, until you can handle little snippets of reality a tiny bit at a time. Many people suggest that the fastest way through the grieving process is to dive right in and go as deeply as possible into the worst parts of our pain....it's not for the faint-of-heart to try such task, but much can be learned, and healed, by this method. However, most of us don't feel at all strong enough to attempt this, at least not until we've done some initial grief work, and that just takes us some time. HOW long is personal to each of us. There sometimes comes a point when you may feel so sick and tired of grieving that that becomes the impetus to really heal and although the path is still hard, you've somehow got more momentum and more will to make peace with each area that hurts. But again, this doesn't happen overnight. The best advise I could offer in the big picture, is to EXPECT in your head, to have to grieve for at least a couple of years ( but WITH changing grief 'symptoms' all the while ). If you feel better by then, good, and if not, at least you haven't had unrealistic expectations for the length of the process that caused you to beat yourself up for the 2 years. For me, I just KNOW I'm slow to process and get used to major changes, so I set my time-lines even longer. It's no fun to think of grieving for THAT long, but it's more realistic for ME and helps me give myself permission to feel like crap for a long time. Then if I have a better day, or eventually week, I can feel good about it. If you feel you want to hide from the world, do so as much as you can. It took me months to be able to go out for breakfast, say, and not bust into tears when I saw elderly women out with their families. But I just figured, if anyone noticed and asked, I'd just tell them, "I recently lost my Mom and those ladies remind me of her." If they didn't understand that, then their opinions wouldn't be welcome anyway. Sure, it was somewhat embarrassing, but it wasn't the end of the world, not like my loss felt like, so by comparison, no big deal, just uncomfortable. I also figured I would be helping to spread the word in this repressed society of ours that grieving was NATURAL, NORMAL, TO BE EXPECTED AND VALIDATED and so would be indirectly helping ALL grieving people in the western world eventually. That was how MY bravery expressed itself.

You will hear many different opinions and experiences on these boards. Take what helps you and leave the rest. My sympathies are with you and your sisters ( but mainly you, since you're the one here! ) and I encourage you to keep visiting here, whether to write or read or any combination that helps. YOU are who must come first for now and you're in the driver's seat with that, even if it's a really bumpy road.

[jaymiku]

Dear SeptemberSpain,

When I read your entry, I became enraged and felt immensely for you. I am 19 years old and recently lost my mother to colon cancer, 2 years after losing my father. I was the primary caregiver for both parents. What struck me was that when my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer, she was originally told it was hemrroids. I can't believe doctors won't exhaust all options before diagnosing a person with an ailment. Had my mom been diagnosed earlier, I could still have her with me. I have lost both of my parents within 3 years, as a teenager, and now I am in college and I have no one but my sister who lives 1000 miles from me. No one understands the depth of pain I am going through. My mother was also my best friend. I told her everything and now as I have moved into my first Apartment and am starting a new life, I feel isolated and alone. I will have no one at my wedding and I am so scared. I miss them so much and now they left me with the task of taking care of my 16 yr old sibling. How is this possible!? I feel deserted. And there are no places I can go where people have gone through this pain. I am too young for this.

[clittlelady]

To Septemberspain: I wanted to offer my heartfelt condolences for all that you have suffered in losing your mother. I can't say that I can understand completely, because I've never been in the situation of losing someone close to a terminal illness and the mistakes of misdiagnoses of a medical community. I can tell you with the utmost sincereity that I know the pain of watching someone deteriorate. My mother was elderly, 86 to be exact. I watched her lose the sharpness of her mind due to mini strokes over the last year and a half of her life and eventually, her dignity, not being able to go to the bathroom by herself or feed herself, using language she had never used in her life, looking so lost, angry and helpless through her eyes. She was such an independent woman and the pain of seeing that evolve, has penetrated the innermost core of my being. She's been gone a month now and I just don't know how to grieve some days. I have anger towards some family members for reasons I won't go into now. But all those emotions just race inside some days I think I'm dry and lost and some days I'm driving in traffic and tears flow. I hold the things she taught me dear to my heart and some of her favorite phrases gets stuck in my head. She'd tell me, "I don't understand evertyhing, but there is a reason for everything." This is a good place to pour out your feelings and like Swede1 said, take what helps you and leave the rest. I think we all mean well and are sharing in something bigger than all of us. We're all hurting and healing, some in different phases than others. And apparently, from what I've been reading here, there are many different phases of grief. I had an appointment to get into grief counseling, never been in counseling before, but just am not understanding all my heart is working with right now. The irony is, they had to cancel me for several weeks down the road. Fortunately, I found this location to share and it has really been a blessing to me. I hope each day leads us to a new level of healing. There is no bond as that between a Mother and her child. I'm 44 and have a 25 year old son. He's by no means a mamma's boy, but we have a strong inner connection and I feel a mother and daughter is normally even closer. My Mother was my best friend, nothing can fill her void and I will never be the same after experiencing that last year and a half of her deterioration, not to mention the last few days of her life. Again, I'm so sorry that your heart is breaking. Don't feel alone, because you're not. I pray for strength and guidance for us all. Take care.

[clittlelady]

To JAYMIKU: How very sad and tragic that you've had to deal with such an enormous loss at such a young age. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for the loss. As I shared with Septemberspain, I haven't shared the same type of loss, being that of a terminal illness, but I have lost my Mother, a month ago. You've shared that you're now responsible for your younger sibling and are in college. I'm overwhelmed at hearing that, can't imagine being where you are. I can tell you this, Admiration and Respect are the first words that come to my mind for you. I don't really know how to deal with this new companion named "Grief" myself. I'm learning, one day at a time. Sharing does help some. Crying does help some, but it chooses its own timing. Friends say well meaning things, but the bottom line is, if you haven't lost your Mother, you don't really "understand" this kind of heartache, this kind of void and loss. You're right, your mother won't physically be with you for many of your life achievements, but it sounds like she's in your heart. Her teachings and values in your heart can be your driving force for what you have ahead of you. You do have a future still. You and your sibling as well. God Bless...

[septemberspain]

First thank you for the responses, I'm dealing one day at a time the best I can do right now. Yesterday was my mom's birthday. I took flowers to her grave the ironic thing is even though I have been to her grave a few times since she's passed my mind still hasn't made the connection. My mind hasn't even connected my mom to the body in the casket, I have tried so many times to connect those 2. The weird thing is my mother & her oldest sister looked so much alike that when I viewed her before the funeral I stated that "oooo this lady looks like my Aunt". I have tried so hard just to relate the 2 (the body & my mom) together that it's just not doing any thing. I tell myself over & over that mom's gone but still nothing. Has anyone ever gone thru this before is there something wrong with me that I can not connect and relate these things together?

JAYMIKU, I understand your pain and your new role that you are begining. I am thankful that your sister has you. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

I know we are all here trying to make sense of this path that we are on and even though it may not be much but I want all that read these message boards to know that I'm sending out hugs and thoughts to you, and I'm keeping you in my prayers

[lemonhead]

For septemberspain:

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 2 months ago tomorrow. It has been the hardest thing ever. In response to your question about not being able to accept that "mom is gone", I feel the same way. I used to go feed my mom lunch 4 times a week. On the days I would have gone to her I still get up and get ready and plan my day as if that activity is still necessary. When I realize I don't do that anymore it just makes me so sad. I don't know how long it takes to get used to the fact that the person is not here anymore physically. I feel my mom's presence all the time, but it is not the same as seeing them...even when that was a difficult thing. I have yet to get the connection at the gravesite as well. I just want my mom here. Please know that your feelings are something many of us understand. I will pray for you to have strength during this hard time.

[porchnut]

Hi to all here grieving. I am new and thought I would just get my first post in. I hope I "qualify" as I will mostly be sharing on the feelings of losing my mother-in-law. She died in the middle of August from a heart-breaking journey with a brain tumor and now my husband's half-sister, who suffered this loss at the ripe age of 16, is living with us now. We still have mourning to do and the house to deal with, among many other things. We've just been thrown back into school and work and sometimes I think I will really crack bad. To boot, my dad died several years ago (alchohol took its toll on his liver) and my mom lives far away and in an Alzheimer's care center. My older sister lives far away and starting over after a divorce. It is hard for me to make friends I would talk regularly to due to time constraints, though the church always lets us know they are here for us. I'm glad I have the people I have, but it's nice when you have those people to just talk news of the day and other light-hearted topics. I like writing and don't necessarily want to bring other people down with my problems. Thanks for letting me join in - I find this board a beneficial commonality which will help me heal and perhaps help others. What a blessing!

[drc1219]

Hello all,kinda found this site by accident, but then again...maybe it was meant to be. It may sound kind of funny, but although I miss both my parents I do not hold any regrets. I lost my Mom in January 1995. She was my rock, my heart and soul. I was completely devistated, but I am very fortunate, that I talked to her in the morning she passed before I went to work, and the last thing we said to each other was I love you. Yeah I still miss her every day, but it makes me smile to think I got a chance to say it and unfortunatley sometimes a lot of people do not get or take advantage of.My Dad passed in December 2004. Well..The last time I spoke to him was Thanksgiving 2004. And again, we said I love you to each other, but what is even more amazing is the fact that on the last day I saw my Dad, I met my now fiance for the very first time. Crazy huh? but wait, my fiance's Mom passed on the same date as my

Mom, and my fiance;s birthday is the same as my Mom's. So when ever somebody asks how I deal with the loss, and believe me I deal with it almost every day, I just think about these moments, and know that it all happened for a reason.

[twinnie]

Hi,

I lost my Mom in 11/03 and my husband in 7/99. The loss of my mother was much more complicated in the way that my father was having several affairs prior to her death, one of which, led to my father getting remarried less than a year after my Mom died. The story ends with me nor any of my sisters speaking with my Father and having to pick thru garbage at my Father's house to collect my Mom's things.

My Father was not a good husband to my Mom during their marriage (violent,and extremely controlling),and at the end of my Mother's life, she was not in good physical or mental shape. Why is it that even though it was nearly impossible for me and my sisters to intervene (forget about my Five extremely wealthy bother who could care less about my Mom when she was alive), I feel very guilty for not being able to have my Mom spend the last part of her life away from this horrible man, who confirmed his true colors after my mom's death?

Any comments or similar situations out there?

Thank you.

[swede1]

Hi Twinnie,

My sincere condolences on the loss of both your mom and husband. Have you checked out some postings in BI's Difficult Backgrounds forum? You might find some company in there for your concerns. But let me say upfront, yes, I had a similar lifetime situation with my own parents ( and so have a few others here ), in that my parents stayed together for all of 60 years, my father was abusive, too, especially to my Mom and I found out after her passing that he was most likely still hitting her even though she could barely walk anymore by herself when still at home. She also had some dementia for quite a few years before she passed. MY father sold their home without anyone knowing til the last 2 wks. before possession date, and either burned up or sold virtually everything belonging to my Mom, and him, including most family photos. My oldest brother died suddenly 2 months after our Mom did, and my remaining brother wouldn't send me any copies of the few pic's that he found were still there, nor anything else for that matter. He has our Mother's and an aunt's ashes as far as I last heard, sitting in a closet and wouldn't allow me to pick an urn then reimburse me from our Mother's account. I haven't spoken to him again for over a year; he is now my enemy.

As for the guilt, it's pretty common, I think, because SOMEONE in dysfunctional families often chooses to carry it for the entire family, because other members behave in shameful ways, but don't OWN their proper guilty feelings for themselves. It is also the perceived function of the most sensitive and caring child to BE the one who cares the most about the others, or some others in the family. I took on these roles in my family, and you may have, too. Believe me, I spent much of my life trying to help my Mom see that she should leave the b****** she married, but ultimately, it's a parent's own decision to make. So while I gave her back her own responsibility to herself and her own life, I still have maybe not GUILT so much as regret now, for not having done more...even though there was most likely NOTHING more I could have already done. It's not the child's job, but many parents from homes like this ( who have their own emotional problems to begin with ) manipulate others into THINKING it's their job...which puts unnecessary and unfair pressure on whichever child or children decide to take up the cause FOR their parent. It's just sad but true. So I think I understand generally how you feel, as I've been there, done that, thousands of times, if not in action, then in thought at least. When you lose a parent you were close to you eventually have to take a realistic look at who they were, what they did and didn't do as a parent, and figure out where you fell in the family mix. I hope this helps some, but even if not, know that you're not alone in these feelings.

[jaymiku]

I am having a really hard time today.

I am starting to realize the full extent of my pain.

Six months after my father died, my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. I was never given time to grieve, instead, I was made to do iv's and take care EVERYTHING during my senior year in high school. While my friends were out partying, I was home making meals and taking care of my sister. What makes it so painful is that I don't remember the last time someone took care of me. I am nineteen now, too old to have a legal guardian. My sister has one though and so she is being taken care of. I do not try to lesen my sister's pain. She is sixteen years old and I can't believe pain she has gone through. I guess I just know she is being taken care of. I am tired, physically and mentally of taking care of everything by myself. I feel so independant, while I am lonelier than I have ever been. I used to be the one to drive my mom to the ER for her problems, and when I am sick, I make myself soup and drag myself to class. No one cares about me, it is always about my sister. She calls and is angry, and I have to comfort her, but I have no one to listen to my screams. Everyone is so self-involved, and keeps telling me that things will get better, but they told me that after my dad died, and six month later my mom was given her death sentance. I never wanted to have to be the adult, but I have lost my childhood, and with all my emotional baggage, I feel as though I am too much for people to deal with. They can't understand the depth of my situation, and because of that, I am completely alone. Being 19 and seeing both of my parents die before my eyes is too much. Just too much. I have no idea what the point is. Some people try to tell me everything happens for a reason. It doesn't. How could it!? Nothing about this happened for a reason. It was a big mistake and I am left with the remains of my life to figure out. I get to go on for the rest of my life without having my parents at my wedding, if there will ever be one. If I have kids, they won't know their grandparents. I have been deserted and left to live my life taking care of everyone without anyone taking care of me.

[momsanangel]

Hi everyone. First off i would like to say that my prayers go out to your families. I lost my mom on may4th cuz of cancer. it was a shock. we didnt know sh had cancer. I am 33 and taking this hard. I cry everyday hoping to have her back. I will even take her place in heaven. She will be never gone in my heart. she is here with me today im sure. watching over me. I lived with her for 17 years. when she died i moved on my own and it is hard to make ends meet. Today it seems the days get harder for me to take. friends say seek help but they havent gone through this...so they have no idea. my mom was 53. so young and too early to go. Mom if god could grant me one wish it would be for yesterday and you...

[dreamspinner3]

I am a married 38 year old female with no children & I lost my mother to lung cancer on 5/11/05. Mom was only 63 years old--she had just turned 63 on 5/3/05 in fact. I miss her so much.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Momsanangel, I'm sorry you lost your mom. The first while is often numbing, letting you settle into the grieving. Then the numb wears off, like an aspirin, and you feel the pain more and more. Talking about the pain and your loss will help you heal. This is your loss and your sorrow. Take this journey in your own way. We'll be here to listen. Feel free to write about your mom, the good times and the sad, which also will help you heal. My thougths and prayers are with you for peace.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Dreamspinner3, I am sorry for your loss as well. By talking about your pain and your loss, you take positive steps in the journey of healing. We are all here for each other, and welcome you to write of your Mom, and we'll listen and offer heartfelt advice when you ask. Thoughts and prayers are yours for peace and comfort.

[willow34]

JAYMIKU,

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I lost my mom when I was 29 and my dad when I was 34. I am totally paralyzed. I can barely wake up and function. I haven't worked for seven months. I am lost. You should be proud of all the stuff that you are doing. I too will never have grandparents for my kids. I miss my parents so much, I miss talking to them, and laughing with them. I am just a shell of my former self. People also tell me that it is all meant to be. Those are the same people that have families to go home to on the holidays. I am just so angry. I want my old life back.

Take care and stay in touch.

[swede1]

For Everyone:

Found a few (more) cliches we all seem to suffer from receiving from those who don't understand, and thought I should start posting these when I find them...for your comfort, from others who understand.

http://www.griefworksbc.com/Cliches.asp

[septemberspain]

swede1, Thanks for the link, How are you today? I was just sitting here thinking about this past month, and I had to keep asking myself why can't I just get it togethter, and then I realized that not only did my Mom pass but I also lost my aunt 9/1/05 she was my other mother and she lived on the west coast my cousin who's an only child was there going through his grief and I couldn't get to him because my mom was in the hospital in critical condition,then on 9/2/05 my god brother passed and my mom passed 9/5/05 so I'm just beginning to see the total overall picture and boy does this hurt. The funny thing about my mom & my aunt passing is my aunt was the only one of my dad's family that continued to have a relationship with my mom after my parents split up and divorced, my cousin and I had to go make funeral arrangements he on the west coast & I'm on the east coast so we were discussing the arrangements he made for his mom and I made for our mom and we started talking about colors and caskets and we both realized that we had planned the identical funeral for both of them including the same caskets and then he said to me "Do you get the feeling that they are both up there laughing at us "? I told him yes and somehow or another "Heaven has just been changed cause we know they are up there running things"

[swede1]

Septemberspain,

Hi! I'm not really sure how I am today, or yesterday, but thanks for asking! Even after all this time with my grief, I often can't "get it together", either! I feel so pathetic, way too often, not getting my chores done, and they're piling up worse than ever before. My memory still stinks, too, and I used to have such a GOOD memory...it's just another loss in this chain of events and I've become very frustrated with everything flying out the window. I still walk around with this dark cloud over me, thinking "What's the POINT in living a life? You live, you do things, you feel things, then your body dies, you leave others, others leave you, and I don't know for a total FACT what lies ahead after that! Such a STUPID-sounding plan, if you ask ME!"

And yet, there ARE those little hints of things to come, a future as spirit, as your story suggests. I'm just getting impatient and annoyed at not being PRIVY to that bigger picture, and in some DETAIL, please! If this is what it's going to take for me to carry on in any meaningful, productive and joyful way....then I think I'm sunk!

Multiple losses are so darn hard to work with, to survive. They just blast the footing out from under you! I think we forget to even breath when there's too much trauma happening around us in too short a time, and YOUR time-span was incredibly short!! However, I certainly hope this IS how things are with, as you said, our loved ones running things now. They've got their work cut out for them, that's for sure, cuz here, we don't seem to be doing such a good job!

[septemberspain]

I have memory loss I use to remember everything and it seems like the only thing I can remember is the pain, anger, and hurt..... I'm handling all my mom's affairs and if I don't make a list I don't get ANYTHING done. I'm suppose to be rearranging my mom's house because I still havn't been back to South Carolina to get my furniture I haven't been back since I left 6/20/05 I was fortunate enough to have my only child (daughter 26) to handle all our affairs so I can devote all my time and energy to my mom after her diagnosis (6/27/05). Somehow or another I can't bring myself to leave my younger sister(s). It feels so difficult because our family too was in a very dysfunctional state and we were going through some crazy stuff parents divorced after 43 years and it seemed as if everybody had their own opinion and it was almost as if we all went to separate corners to lick our wounds & then she died so I've been here because I know that my immediate family 2 sisters and a brother need me. I hope that in time all will get better but until then I'm just taking life 5 minutes at a time.

[clittlelady]

TO SEPTEMBERSPAIN:

Okay, I have to say thanks. In your conversation to Swede1 about your conversation with your cousin about your Mom and your Aunt up there running things..... I really haven't been able to laugh in a while, but it reminded me of my Aunt (my Mother's younger sister) who died in March, 05. She and my Mother were on the phone every day, one day mad at each other, the next day, buddies. They would each call ME and tell me what the other had said or done. They were both honory and smooth as sandpaper. My Aunt watched the wrestling programs and Cops (she was in her late 70's). My mom read her bible, prayed and preached to my Aunt. They were a pair. When my Aunt passed away, I knew my mother wasn't in good health that she most likely wouldn't be too far behind my Aunt. I told my cousin, her Mother was up there giving God a few "helpful hints". She said, no, she's up there telling God, just wait until my older sister gets here, you haven't seen anything yet. And ironically, Mother died in August, just five months after my Aunt, and their brother, in another state, died and was buried the day before my Mother. My cousins and I feel that although we know God wouldn't, if he weren't God, he would be a smoker by now for sure with the three of them up there.

Thanks again, it felt good to laugh.

SWEDE1: I like your grit and your words of wisdom. You have a good spirit. You are very valuable. Just wanted you know that. P.S. Aren't you a Pet Lover too???

[swede1]

clittlelady,

Now YOU'RE making ME laugh!! LOL! Your mom and her sister sound SO much like my Mom and her sisters, especially 3 of them. And the same thing would happen to ME! I'd get stuck in the middle of their continuous battles and the next time I'd talk to any one of them, they were praising ONE sister and black-balling the OTHER! HA!HA! It wasn't actually funny for me at the time, but I CAN see the dark humour in it....it's GOOD to share these kinds of things, and since my extended family won't call me, people like you are the next best thing...or maybe better, cuz you understand it from MY point of view! "Smoking", indeed! Ha! Yes, it IS good to laugh whenever you can, cuz life basically sucks otherwise!

And thank-you so MUCH for liking my "grit"! No one's ever used that word to describe me, but I LOVE it!! It sounds so much more complimentary than being called either a rhino, or a fighter. I think that's a KEEPER! I intend to use that one the next time someone is bugging me unmercifully about my views on things I'm sensitive, but adamant about. "No," I'll say..."I just have GRIT!" It's perfect! And yes, I'm a full-fledged animal lover - don't normally eat them, buy anything that's tested on them or uses their parts or byproducts from them, wear them, or do anything else that causes or once caused them pain. I just LOVE them to pieces!!! This is how I've decided to repay them for all the HUGE love they've given freely to ME, unlike too many of the humans in my life...plus I just never forgot, or let be drummed out of me, that natural inner voice from childhood that draws us to our furred and feathered ( and other types ) fellow travellers. THAT was a keeper for me, too! I've come to respect them far more than most humans in my life and it is only through THEM that I've seen how valuable and worthy of love I can be...bless their fuzzy, little hearts.

[septemberspain]

LOL! I get the dark humor in all this. My family had a dysfunctional side to it that was too good to be true lol. My mom and my sister had been at war for what seemed like years and then they would call me to tell me how hurt the other one made them feel. Actually the battle started when my parents separated after years of being married have you ever seen "War Of the Roses" well that is my family without the money of course and the fight didn't even have anything to do with the "kids" it was just a "who's side are you on" battle. My mom said somethings about my father my father denied them you know the bullcrap of married life. So after the 6 years my dad went into "hiding" (I have to laugh because he didn't give us a telephone number or address & we are all over 30 so it wasn't like he would have to pay child support lol) but he came out of hiding to tell us that he had remarried and just walked back into our lives like it was cool. So that was last year and then this year my mom died and now I can't get "rid" of him so to speak. So anyway that's the dark humor I go through everyday and the crazier thing is I deal with 5 different types (my siblings and my daughter) of grief because I know both sides of the story so I understand what they are going through.

I'm sorry didn't mean to ramble just having another wicked day too busy with my tears to get anything done lol.

[kittykat]

The loss of a parent is so difficult. I lost my dad when I was young and my Mom not so long after.My prayers are with all of you.

www.BelovedHearts.com is a virtual interactive home for your departed Loved One.

Meet others who are grieving the loss of a loved one.You are not alone.Please visit. You will find comfort God Bless

[kirkz24]

I hope to GOD that I have not hijacked someones thread, and if I did im so sorry, I could not find the Post a new topic button. Its just that I need help! My wife`s mother passed away less than 2 months ago and she is dealing as well as she can but this weekend she got the news that her father already has a girlfriend. This has totally killed her! She is in worse shape as she was with her Mothers passing. Her parents were married for 30 plus years, She doesnt know what to do, doesnt know how to act, doesnt know what to say, doesnt know what to think.

Does anyone have any words of advice, a website, a specific forum dealing with this. I do not know what to do, she is in so much pain!!!!! I want to help her SO MUCH, I hate to see her with so much pain and knowing that some of that pain could of been avoided. Can someone please help me.

Thank you.

Kirk Henry

Québec, Canada

[swede1]

kirkz24,

While I don't have any advice, I just read about a similar situation on another site - the Crisis, Grief and Healing group on Tom Golden's grief site (Google "Tom Golden" and you'll find it). It was a posting about trying to accept another lady in this woman's dad's life. You might try posting there to both read the responses and to ask for further help. Also, if your wife is really losing it, you could try calling either a Crisis Line in your area ( to get her someone to talk to &/or for further referrals to mental health professionals ), or try your local mental health dept. in your area for advice on how to get your wife some help for her anguish. Good luck and God bless, for caring about your wife enough to seek help FOR her when she's too distraught to seek it for herself. If more people did what you're doing, we'd all be so much better off in our grief.

[hanasmom03]

My dad died on July 30 , 2005 and i find myself getting worse as time goes by. I dont know how to deal with my loss due to such negligence by the VA. My dad was a healthy 59 year old man and because he had an infection that went untreated i have to see my daughter grow up and not know her grandpa. He got to spend 2 years of her life with her and now hes gone and she wont know how great of a person he truly was. He had the biggest heart the best father i could ever ask for. My life will never be the same I have a big empty spot that will never be filled. Im trying to stay busy and keep my mind busy but it eventually catches up with me.

[clittlelady]

As always, My sincere sympathy to all who are grieving today and share this emptiness.

I haven't been here in a little while.... Missing my little Mother so bad. This Sunday will be two months she has been gone. There for a while I seemed so overwhelmed and in a daze. Now I've kind of worried lately about not feeling enough grief for her because of my family situation. Had a very strange experience night before last. Since her death, I haven't been able to sleep, my body shut down, my mind rest, so a few weeks ago my doctor prescribed sleep medication, so I can get the rest my body has been deprived of for months while providing her care. I was reluctant to take anything, as I'm not a pill person, but have to admit, I do sleep. However, I awoke from a very sound sleep night before last with the overwhelming sense of someone watching me from my side of the bed. It wasn't a comforting feeling at all. I snuggled up so close to my husband, not sure where ended and I began. He says it was my grief in my subconscious state. Whatever it was, it was unpleasant. This Saturday is my son's 26th birthday. My mother was in the delivery room with me when he was born and he was always the apple of her eye. Don't want to let those memories, even though they were good ones, be too involved in his day. He misses her so much too. My birthday and hers are right behind his... just don't know how to get through these days that we normally celebrated together. Know it probably sounds silly, but she always baked me a pineapple upside down cake, from scratch, and made such a big deal to still put candles on it, even though I'm of the age of more than two boxes of candles. When she was in too poor health to cook, the last several years, I would take the ingredients to her house and bake it for her, for me. She thought that was special, as so did I. Now, I guess I'll probably bake it just in remembrance of her. Two months,,, seems like just yesterday, then it seems like much longer. I know it was time for her to go, but making these adjustments in my life seem so difficult. I do count my blessings, for knowing her, her knowing me and us loving each other in spite of our faults, for her teaching me to pray and have faith, for having her 86 years, for being with her to the end. I know this is the cycle and circle of life. I know there is a season to all things, but my flesh misses the physical presence of my Mother in a way I didn't know possible. My faith isn't shattered, by my heart and my will are beaten. Hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us.

[eulaha]

My mother died on September 22, 2005. She had a heart attack. She was only 54. This is what happened, according to my brother and sister:

My mom had not been feeling well for a few days. She was leaving work early so she could go home and rest. On the night she died, she was sitting at home with my sister and her two small children. My mother suddenly grabbed her chest and said, "Call 911!". My sister did so, but she was so scared, she couldn't move. "Put your hand on my chest!" my mom called to her, but she was rooted in front of the telephone and couldn't move. The ambulance workers finally made it to the house, and as they carried my mom out of the house, she asked my sister to come with her. My sister couldn't, because the two kids were in the bathtub. The ambulance workers worked on my mom for 30 minutes in the rige-right outside the front door. My sister dried off and dressed the kids, and called a cousin for a ride to the hospital. By the time my sister got to the hospital, she was told my mom had died. My brother was at the hospital when she was pronounced dead.

I live in New York, and so I had no idea all of this was going on. I was sitting on my livingroom sofa, watching "ER", when my brother called. I knew from the tone of his voice that something was very, very wrong. He said, "Mom passed away. She had a heart attack." Just like that. I was in shock, and told him I'd call him back. I hung up the phone, then called my boyfriend. I broke down on the phone. He dressed quickly, then came over to console me in my grief.

I feel a lot of guilt. I should have known she was sick. I should have been there for her. I should have been a better daughter. She was always asking me to move back to California, and I should have listened. Maybe she'd still be alive if I had.

I miss her so much. Some days are better than others.

[unicorndreams]

My mother died on September 22, 2005. She had a heart attack. She was only 54. This is what happened, according to my brother and sister:

My mom had not been feeling well for a few days. She was leaving work early so she could go home and rest. On the night she died, she was sitting at home with my sister and her two small children. My mother suddenly grabbed her chest and said, "Call 911!". My sister did so, but she was so scared, she couldn't move. "Put your hand on my chest!" my mom called to her, but she was rooted in front of the telephone and couldn't move. The ambulance workers finally made it to the house, and as they carried my mom out of the house, she asked my sister to come with her. My sister couldn't, because the two kids were in the bathtub. The ambulance workers worked on my mom for 30 minutes in the rige-right outside the front door. My sister dried off and dressed the kids, and called a cousin for a ride to the hospital. By the time my sister got to the hospital, she was told my mom had died. My brother was at the hospital when she was pronounced dead.

I live in New York, and so I had no idea all of this was going on. I was sitting on my livingroom sofa, watching "ER", when my brother called. I knew from the tone of his voice that something was very, very wrong. He said, "Mom passed away. She had a heart attack." Just like that. I was in shock, and told him I'd call him back. I hung up the phone, then called my boyfriend. I broke down on the phone. He dressed quickly, then came over to console me in my grief.

I feel a lot of guilt. I should have known she was sick. I should have been there for her. I should have been a better daughter. She was always asking me to move back to California, and I should have listened. Maybe she'd still be alive if I had.

I miss her so much. Some days are better than others.

[unicorndreams]

My sympathy goes out to you.

It must be very hard.

I lost my Dad on Dec 20th 2004.

I understand that some days are better than others .

The slightest thing can trigger a memory.And the tears just flow.

Be strong.

Take care

Unicorndreams