Adults Who Have Lost Their Parents

[songbird]

Yarsa, our stories are so similar. My mother was also with my father when he collapsed. I was not there and I know there was a reason for that. My mother also felt that although this was a very devestating way for him to die, it might have saved him from something worse. He could have suffered more. I find it hard to see it that way, but these men were our fathers. To our mothers, they are their soulmates, it is a different kind of loss. Your foundation is rocked and your life will never be what it was. They say it will get easier, but not for a long time. I do find this site very helpful. I hope you will too. I'm here if you want to talk.

[yarsa0513]

Songbird,

You have been immensly helpful to me... you're right.. i think this site will help. Thank you again.

[DianeS]

My mother died 15 years ago, five weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. Just this past week we were told by my father's doctor that he is in the final stages of Pulmonary Fibrosis, and to begin talking about "end care." Losing my mom was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, but now with the reality of my father's impending death, I find myself on the verge of panic sometimes. Most of the time I will not allow myself to think about it, but it creeps in because I know there is nothing I can do to stop it. Although I have a great, loving relationship with my dad, I was closer to my mom. However, the thought of my dad's death is overwhelming, and I think it is because he is my last parent. Although I am 51, there is such a feeling of not being able to deal with having no parents. I am curious to know if others have felt this. I have two brothers and we are very close, so I don't have to worry about being the last survivor of the family, but the thought of not having a parent in this world anymore is awful. I'd be interested to hear if others have been through this.

DianeS

[nygirl]

I lost my father 2 weeks and 6 days ago, I am shocked at how I am feeling. I am not shocked at the sorrow, but at the degree of exhaustiion it has taken out of me. I am surprised that I will be doing ok and then I will just cry and not know what set it off. I miss my Dad and miss calling him on the phone, seeing him and I so badly want to see him again. I am the only daughter with 5 brothers and I spent alot of time with my Father the last few years, when he was in the hospital I stayed by his side for 5 days, slept by his bed and held his hand, I watched him breath his last breath and told him it was ok to go, he had worked so hard to stay. He had a major stroke, and died 5 days after his stroke. They said he went into a comma right away, and he couldn't see, but he could hear. When I held his face in my hands and looked at him telling him it was ok to go, we would be fine, he looked at me, I know he saw me, I saw him his eyes looked at my eyes and he looked so sad. I don't think he was scared to leave, but sad to leave me, I think it was him saying good by. I just want one more time to hug him, ...........

I know it will get better with time, gosh I miss him

Oh my goodness, I have a very similar story. I stayed by my mom's side in the hospital for four days, not showering or leaving the floor, i just couldn't leave her. I kept talking to her and telling her stories, then my brother finally got into town and she died that day. I am exhausted too and cry and the strangest times. I will be fine and even upbeat (almost) in a way and then i'll just start sinking. I too, feel as if my mom was more sad about having to leave me. People keep telling me it will get better, so i'm holding on to that. You are not alone!

[klowieboyz]

I lost my Dad on June 29th of this year. He died after being diagnosed with Cancer in April. I don't know how I feel. I'm irritable and pissed off most of the time. I think about him constantly. Then I break down and cry at times too.....a lot of the time I just feel numb and wonder why I'm not feeling more.

Kat

[tinasdad]

klowieboyz, I'm so sorry you have lost you dad. I'm sorry we didn't see your message sooner. The feelings you describe are what most people describe soon after losing someone so close. Grief is a process that comes in five stages. You will find them happening to you repeatedly, in groups, however they can hit you. The stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Please write as you wish, and feel free to release your suffering. In here, we share the bond of loss and grief.

[mariam]

Soulnik,

I read your post today and I felt I had to respond. I haven't been looking at this website all that much the past few months, but it seemed like it was fate to find your post. I also lost both my parents very close together (2 weeks actually). I'm only 26 and feel so lost and orphaned. It's so hard because no one understands what pain I'm feeling, they just ask 'are you cheering up yet??' There are days that I feel so alone...

Here's my email address if you would like to email: mariamargolis@yahoo.com.

[pakigrl]

hi...hope everyone is doing good...my mom died on july 3, 2005...its almost a month...she was diagnosed w/ stage 4 breast cancer in oct and after 9 months of suffering she died...i didnt expect it..the night b4 she died..she was so alert and we were talking...then the next morning..she completely lost it...i miss her alot..i was her caregiver and she meant the world to me...i feel so lonely now...even though i have my 3 ohter siblings...i wish my mom was here..but i know she is in a better place...im only 21 and its so hard to not to have a mom to go to for advice...

[endofnumbers]

To: Pakigrl

21 is very young to lose a mother, or anyone! Losing my mother at 45 was hard, I can't imagine your loss/feeling lost...it's kind of the same thing. I lost mom to cancer too, 5 weeks after diagnosis to death. Crazy! We didn't even have time to get use to the idea.

I just wanted you to know that you are understood by someone who also feels lost not going to mom for advice! She had her faults, but she was my mom. A parent is like a buffer, a soft place to land when things get rough! I wish there was something that I could say that would make it easier, but I know that I can't. If you want to talk, just keep posting your thoughts on this site!

[ibeblu2]

HI there I am new to the losing a parent game. My Dad passed away December22 04 of a staph infection in his shoulder. And I know its be 7 months I can't get over the fact that he is gone and not coming home. HELP

[tinasdad]

Ibeblu2, I'm very sorry you lost your Dad. I hope that you will find our community of friends a welcome place to share your sorrow. We are all here to help each other through the pain and sadness. We'll listen, no matter what. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[jillybean]

hi first time on this site looking for some releif to my loss of my mother she died 4 months ago she was 47 i am 26 and really feeling cheated my mother was so young and i am just entering my adult life with out her my best friend i think what hurts so bad is that every day i wake to my lovley 1 year old daughter and my supportive husband but i still feel alone like something is gone and i will never get it back does any one feel the same

[jillybean]

PAKIGRL hi you and i are close in age and i also lost my mother to breast cancer she had stage three b my mother was ill for 3 years and i was also her sole care giver and i dont think i would of wanted it to be different i needed to be there i feel the loss trimendously every day i also have two siblings and i understand the lonleyness my advice cling to your siblings they are a close connection to your mother hang in there jilly

[tinasdad]

Jillybean, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I hope you can feel welcome here, and able to freely write about your loss and sorrow. We all share the bond of grief, so we listen to each other, and help each other. In regard to your question, I lost my 21 year old daughter, who was killed during a rape. I feel a hole in my heart where she belongs, yet I also know that, while she rests in Heaven, I frequently "feel" her near me. Grieving is a process, and you'll find it takes time to get through each step of its unpleasant twists and turns. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[neesie]

Hi everyone. I lost my beautiful mom on July 1. We just had a memorial service for her this last monday and I thought that might bring some peace but it did not. She was diagnosed one year ago today with a gbm brain tumor. They gave her a year to 18 months and she only made it 10 months. I live in California and she had retired to Tennesee so I was not able to be with her as much as I wanted. I went back 6 times in 10 months and everytime I came home I felt like a part of me was dying. I feel so lost. She was my very best friend and I miss her so much.

[dolphins]

hi there i recently had my dad passed away on august 11, 2005 at the age 66 complications of head injury to much brain damage. I had to make the decision to the doctor about letting him peacefully and make him comfortable no machines. now my family hasn't contacted me in anyway to see i am doing and so going my separate ways from my family because my dad was the holding thing to keep me to stay in touch with my family and make peace with them. I miss him so much and we visit him 2 weeks before he died i did tell him that i love him and gave him a kiss with a hug for the last time. I remember he had a big smile and wanted to go off the hospital bed. he was trying to tell me something and he has tears in his eyes. I haven't really cryed that much and it hasn't really hit me all at once yet. need help

[shannimarie]

I just loss my Mom on 8/1/05. I am devastated to say the least. We found out prior to her death just 2 weeks before that she had Ovarian/stomach/adrenal gland cancer. It started in her ovaries. Then just 4 days before she dies we hear it's only days at that if she makes it that far. How do you even get that absorbed fast enough to make it to the part where you have to bury her? She was my best friend. My Dad died in 2000, and I held him to his last breath. My Mom and I went everywhere together after that. I made sure she did not have to be alone. Now she is gone. It\'s wrong, really wrong. I recall being here posting about my friends death TeddyK and thinking oh I would not want to feel like some of these people feel about their Mom's dying. I felt so badly for all of you. Now I am one of you, and it is so hard...

Shannon (Redshanni67@aol.com)

[shannimarie]

Neesie,

I can relate. I relocated after living in the same state for my whole life. I was relocated a year and saw my Mom in June, then she died. I went back up and made it there to spend her last 12 hours with her. She died August 1. My Dad died in 2000. My Mom was my best friend I too feel lost without her. If you ever want to talk just email me.

Redshanni67@Aol.com

[catexas]

I have read a lot of your messages, and I feel you are all very wonderful. I lost my father 5 years ago, and my mother 15 years ago to heart attacks. My mom was 70 and my dad was 83. I know they lived a full life but I still miss them. I feel very foolish writing this, I am 46 years old and single and I cannot seem to get my life together. All of my friends are married and have children. Even my single friends have manage to buy homes. I cannot seem to move out of my single apartment. I feel really alone and a failure to my parnets. I have a college degree and a good job, but I do not know how to move forward without them. I had just gotten over my mothers lost, when I had to begin grieving my fathers lost. I was so close to them. All of my friends still have their parnets and it is so diffcult for me to have friends. I prayed that God would help me with my lost and tonight I found you.

[tinasdad]

Catexas, I'm sorry you have lost both your parents. Dealing with sorrow effects how we walk through our daily lives. From the way you write, you have always been close to your parents, and they were always loving and nurturing. Please don't be critical of yourself about issues, because in time, you'll find all you seek. Be patient in your faith. I hope you feel welcome and comfortable here. We're here to listen and help you.

[scubidi]

I lost my dear mother on April 4, 2005, to lung cancer. I have read so many of these heartfelt messages, here on this website, and I can relate to the pain and deep grief you have all expressed from losing a loved one. I miss my mother so very much, as all of you has said here. She was my best friend, and more of a sister to me than the two biological sisters I have from my family of origin. I moved her into my home on October 12, last year and took care of her in her final days. (We received the terminal diagnosis on August 28, 2004). Mom became as a little child in the end, because of her illness, dementia eventually robbed her of her full mental capacity. I shall always miss her, and from her death I have learned and know for certain that love never dies!

[willow34]

Hi, I have just registered and am desperate need of some advice. I recently lost my best friend and father at the young age of 65. Even worse, he committed suicide. Even worse yet, out of frustration the night before, I told him to end it all. Of course I didn't mean it, I loved him do much, but I said it anyway. Five years ago, my mother went to bed one night and she never woke up. She was 57. I am internally dead at this point, I really am lost. I lost my job, my friends, everything that I care about. I feel so alone. I am only 35. I just want my old life back.

[lmbham]

On June 22nd my mother died after a long illness. She had lived a long life and was finally free from pain. Only 19 days later my dad was found dead from carbon monoxide poisoning from a generator he bought after a hurricane hit the Gulf coast. To have both parents die less than three weeks apart has been such a shock. It's was six weeks ago tonight that my dad died and although I know he's with my mom, I'm just devastated. It seems like years since I heard the sound of his voice. As an adult, I knew I would someday lose my parents, but as an only child, I now feel so alone. I miss them every day. Does anyone have any suggestions of things that have helped to cope with their loss?

[willow34]

Hi, I am right below you on the message board. I am willow34. I am sorry for your losses. I posted for the first time yesterday but have not received any messages yet. I am also looking for answers. If you read my post, you will see why.

[madamystic]

I DON\'T BELIEVE I CAN BE OF MUCH HELP TO ANYONE ....LEAST OF ALL MYSELF,,,,MY DAD DIED IN MY ARMS SUNDAY THE 7TH.....AND GAVE HIS LAST BREATH TO MY MOM, HIS BEAUTIFUL WIFE OF 60 YRS.......HE WAS VERY SICK WITH ALZHEIMERS,PARKINSONS, AND PROSTATE AND BLADDER CANCER,,,,,,WE FOUGHT THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY FOR AT HOME HOSPICE SO THAT WE COULD BRING HIM HOME AND CARE FOR HIM OURSELVES....I HAVE BEEN RUNNING BETWEEN FL AND NY FOR THE LAST YR TO HELP CARE FOR HIM,,,,,,,,,AND NOW I FEEL AS IF I\'VE LOST THE ONE THING I WAS LIVING FOR ......I KNEW WE COULD NOT SAVE HIM LOGICALLY,,,,,,,BUT EMOTIONALLY IT WAS GETTING THROUGH THAT ONE MORE DAY AND THAT ONE MORE NIGHT........I LEARNED SO MUCH,,,,,,I KNOW THAT LOVE IS ETERNAL,,,,,,THEY LOVED EACH OTHER AS MUCH AS THE DAY THEY MET IN AUSTRIA 1945,,,,,,IT WAS HEARTBREAKING TO SEE THEM SAY GOODBYE DURING THE LAST DAYS AND WEEKS,,,MOM SANG TO HIM FOR HOURS...COOKED HIS FAV MEALS THOUGH HE COULD NOT EAT SHE IS 81 AND HE WAS 84,,,,,,DAD FOUGHT HARD ......HE DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE HIS WIFE........AS FOR ME,,,,,,I TOLD HIM EVERY GOOD THING AND EVERY WONDERFUL MEMORY I CHERISH FOREVER AS I LAY MY HEAD ON HIS CHEST HOURS BEFORE HE PASSED,,,I TOLD HIM THANK YOU,,,,,I THOUGHT I COULD NEVER LIVE THROUGH THIS,,,BUT HERE I AM,,,,,DEVASTATED AND LONELY AND FEELING AS IF I AM NOT IN THE RIGHT WORLD ANY LONGER,,,,,,,,,,,I WISH I COULD TAKE JUST ONE LITTLE DROP OF HURT FROM MOM,,,,,,,BUT THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE,,,,,,,,,,,,I STILL FEEL THAT HE IS COMING BACK SOMEHOW,,,,,,,,I WAS ABLE TO ARRANGE THINGS AND BE STRONG FOR MY DAUGHTERS ETC SINCE THEN,,,,,,,,BUT I NEVER, EVER, WANTED TO GROW UP,,,,,I HAVE BEEN DADDYS LIL GIRL ALL MY LIFE.......THREE BAD MARRIAGES AND A SINGLE PARENT MOST OF MY LIFE,,,,YET DAD WAS THE ONE THAT BROUGHT UP MY 3 CHILDREN,,,,,,,HE TAUGHT US HUMILITY AND HARD WORK AND KINDNESS AND COMPASSION. HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND,,,,I STILL SEE HIM BLINKING HIS EYES WHILE THEY WERE CLOSED MOMENTS BEFORE HE PASSED IN RESPONSE TO MY QUESTIONING HIM ,,IF HE COULD HEAR ME,,,,,,,,I KNOW THAT I AM LUCKY TO HAVE BEEN THERE,,,TO HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SAY ALL OF THOSE THINGS I\'VE WANTED TO SAY,,,,,,,,BUT THIS RIPPED MIND AND HEART IS ALL I HAVE LEFT NOW.......I LIVE ALONE AND HAD TO COME BACK TO FL TO TAKE CARE OF THINGS IVE NEGLECTED FOR THE PAST YEAR,,,,,,,,,,,SO IM GOING CRAZY,,,,,EITHER IM CLEANING OR RIDING IN MY CAR FOR HOURS AIMLESSLY,,,,,,,,,I CANNOT SLEEP,,,,,,,,,,,I FEEL STRANGE,,,,,,I THOUGHT THAT THIS WOULD JUST CONSIST OF THE HYSTERIA AND TEARS,,,,,,,THAT I COULD RELEASE IT.......BUT MY MIND IS A NIGHTMARE OF EVENTS AND HAS NOW GONE NUMB,,,,,,,,IM SCARED, SO SCARED,,,,,,,BUT MOST OF ALL,,,,,,,,I JUST WANT TO LET HIM KNOW THAT HE IS THE BEST MAN I\'VE EVER KNOWN,,,AND THE LOVE HE AND MY MOM SHARED IS ALL THE LESSON IN LIFE I NEED TO LEARN,,,,,I KNOW THAT I AM NOT RATIONAL.....I ALSO KNOW THAT I AM SO SCARED OF WHAT SHAPE MY GRIEF WILL TAKE NEXT.......THIS IS SO DIFFERENT..........I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME,,,,,,BUT I THINK THAT THE LONELINESS SINCE I CAME BACK IS EATING AT ME.......I SPEAK TO MOM 2 OR 3 TIMES A DAY,,AND PLAN ON MOVING TO NY AS SOON AS IT IS FINANCIALLY POSSIBLE,,,,,,BUT I HOPE THAT I CAN HOLD OUT MENTALLY THAT LONG......I KNOW I MAKE NO SENSE,,BUT I AM JUST SCARED OF THESE FEELINGS. THANKS FOR LISTENING.............LIN

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Madamystic, I'm so sorry for the loss you suffer now. We welcome you here, even though the reason we come here is so sad. You said at the end of your post, "I know I make no sense, but I am just scared of these feelings." You make perfect sense, because the feelings you wrote of are a part of our grief. Admitting your fear is a positive step toward healing, toward gaining peace in your heart. My sympathies to you and your Mom in this time of sorrow. Again, my sorrow for your loss. May you both receive all you need.

[livingodaat]

I don't really know where to start. All I know is that my partner of 6 years of died 5 years ago I had a hard time dealing with that. My mom/ best friend died last year and this is too big of a pill to swallow. I'm sad every day I can't talk to her. and now this April I lost my job company downsized. So I gues I have more time on my hands than I know what to do with. Some days I'm sad, others I'm confused, then happy. I easily get upset at the littlest thing. can't find a job. I'm so angry I could just scream at the top of my lungs, then I think people would say I'm crazy. My friends can't help me. They say Girl I know how you feel but they don't. THey still have there mom and some of them are not close to theres. they still have their mate too. I teied to put my life together and move one it's been very hard. someone told me to go to this website. I'm looking for some answers and help to my problem. can you here me HELP!!

[willow34]

Hi, I have just registered and am desperate need of some advice. I recently lost my best friend and father at the young age of 65. Even worse, he committed suicide. Even worse yet, out of frustration the night before, I told him to end it all. Of course I didn't mean it, I loved him do much, but I said it anyway. Five years ago, my mother went to bed one night and she never woke up. She was 57. I am internally dead at this point, I really am lost. I lost my job, my friends, everything that I care about. I feel so alone. I am only 35. I just want my old life back.

[swede1]

Willow34,

I'm so sorry you lost your dear father, and everything else! People with stories such as you own make me think I should just quit whining about my OWN troubles, yours sounds so terrible. For advise, I would certainly check the web for sites that deal with suicide as well, as this is a far greater burden than natural or even accidental death for the ones left behind. One I found was www.metanoia.org/suicide/index.html. They had alot of really up-to-date info about the whole picture around suicide. While it's meant more for those thinking about doing it, it also lets you see into the minds of those who comtemplate it and that may help you realize you couldn't have predicted what your father did. There are many who say things in anger just before someone passes and then have to find ways to come to terms with their human nature, so you're not alone there. We ALL want our old lives back and need to rant and rave about not getting what we want. You're in the right place for that. Keep asking for those with similar circumstances to come forth and share with you. My best friend suicided many years ago, but I wasn't in her life at the time, and these boards didn't even exist then, but I realize it's not the same at all as losing one's parent this way, so I can't really relate in the way that you likely need right now. Counseling, of course, if and when you can access it or afford it, is always a good option, too. I can't offer much for your particular situation, but hope this little bit helps, and I hope others come forward with more help for you, too.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Livingodaat, I'm sorry your loss has been so much. To lose the one you planned to spend your life with, then to also lose your dear Mom, of course you are going to feel many difficult emotions. When we love someone deeply, our grief for that person is also deep. To feel happy, sad, confused, and anger like they are our usual feelings is a part of grief. Do you meditate? Some say it helps with the stress and emotions of grief. I didn't before, but now I do. To add to your pain, you have the situation about a job too, and I am sorry this stress is added to your grieving. As you tend to your daily matters and family issues, please give yourself breaks and treats, so you can "pamper" yourself with the things you enjoy. Be gentle with yourself, because the feelings are a part of the grief, and you don't need to follow the thinking of some, who may tell you that you should be "over it" by now. Just let your heart be gentle and kind to yourself as you journey forward through the grief.

[madamystic]

WILLOW34.....I AM VERY SORRY FOR NOT ONLY YOUR LOSSES, BUT FOR THE ADDED BURDENS AND GRIEF THAT YOU CARRY AT THIS TIME AS WELL....I WROTE THAT I RECENTLY LOST MY DEAR DAD........WELL, I AM 48 NOW,,,,,AND YOUR PLEA OF BEING 35 AND WANTING YOUR LIFE BACK HIT HOME WITH ME.....AND HELPED ME SEE PAST MY SHROUD OF MISERY AND HURT....WHEN I WAS 36 YRS OLD,,,,,I LOST EVERYTHING ,,,,I MEAN EVERYTHING JUST AS YOU SAY,,,,,,,,,IT STARTED WITH A FIRE ON XMAS MORN THAT LANDED MYSELF AND THREE CHILDREN WITH THE RED CROSS WHO PUT US IN A HOMELESS SHELTER IN NY,......I, THEN HAD NO MATERIAL POSSESSIONS LEFT,,,JUST THE CLOTHING ON OUR BACK,,,,,,,,THAT IN ITSELF WAS TO HAVE REPURCUSSIONS I COULD NOT FATHOM,,,THE SHELTER WE WERE PLACED IN DID NOT ALLOW MEN, SO MY HUSBAND WAS NOT WITH US,,,,,,,,,,MY SON WAS ONLY 10 AND TRAUMATIZED AND DEVELOPED A SCHOOL PHOBIA WHICH ULTIMATELY COST ME CUSTODY OF HIM,,,,,,MY YOUNGEST WAS 2 AT THE TIME AND I PLACED HER WITH MY PARENTS, AND TO THIS DAY SHE LIVES WITH THEM,,,,,,,,A FEW MONTHS AFTER I LANDED IN THE SHELTER AND WAS FIGHTING MY WAY OUT THROUGH THE NIGHTMARE OF THE SYSTEM.....I RECEIVED A PHONE CALL THAT MY HUSBAND HAD BEEN MURDERED AT THIS PLACE OF BUSINESS...........NOT ONE FRIEND DID I HAVE TO EVEN COME TO ME AND MAKE ME A CUP OF COFFEE OR HELP ME TO FEED THE KIDS OR TO DRIVE ME THE ALMOST 100MILES WHERE THE FUNERAL WAS HELD,,,,,I WILL NEVER FORGET THAT YEAR OF MY LIFE,,,,,,,,,I UNDERSTAND YOU.........AND IT IS LIKE BEING IN A NIGHTMARE THAT YOU CANNOT WAKE UP FROM,,,,,,I DO NOT WANT TO GET INTO DETAILS,,,,,,,BUT WHAT WE ENDURED AS A FAMILY THAT YEAR WOULD DO A PERSON IN..........I WILL NOT LIE AND TELL YOU THAT TOMORROW IT WILL BE BETTER,,,,,,ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT YOU HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS,,,,,,,,,YOU HAVE YOU AND THOSE THAT LOVE YOU NEED YOU........IT MAY SOUND EMPTY,,,,,,BUT YOU WILL BE STRONG AND SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY THIS TOO SHALL PASS.......SO REMEMBER THAT THERE ARE KINDRED SOULS OUT HERE AND I'M SORRY FOR NOT HAVING A QUICK SOLUTION,,,,,,,,I WISH I COULD SAY THE WORDS TO COMFORT YOU,,,BUT MY PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS GO WITH YOU..........SINCERELY, L.

[willow34]

Thanks Swede1 and Madamystic,

I feel for both of you and your losses. I feel as though I must be being punished by God. I know I am not perfect, but by no means do I think I deserve what has been handed to me. My father was my best friend, I live in L.A, now and always looked forward to the day I moved back to upstate N.Y. near my father. We did everything together. How would God allow me to say those things to him on the last call? Telling my father to end it all. This was after he told me he was going back into the hospital the next day for his illness. I must have been upset because I had a feeling he was lying to me for the two previous months, I had no idea he needed he was this bad off. I feel like an idiot for not knowing. I knew him better then I knew myself. I don't want to exculde that the conversation did not end with those words. It went on for another 45 minutes, me trying to get the truth from him on his health. And encouraging him that another trip to the hosptial is the right thing to do. I even called back after the conversation ended and ordered him a pizza. I knew he wasn't eating well, he never did when he got depressed. He thanked me for it. And he sounded good. That was the last time I ever talked to him. Now, I am 35, and have to live in a world where it seems everyone my age has at least one, and mostly both parents. One of my good friends, who is my age, is going to visit her parents this weekend. It makes me so mad that she can do it and I cant. I lost at least twenty years with both my parents. Yoiu would have to go back to 1985 until now to see how long that is. Twenty years of laughs and memories...gone. I accepted my mothers death, but how do I get over my dads. It is just too much. he was a huge part of my life. Heck, he was my life. I just wanted him happy, and I feel I failed as a son because I wasnt there at the end. I had a great life and now I just wish I was never born. To live to see my own dad kill himself. That means he could not find anything to live for. I feel I also think I made him feel even more worthless than he was already feeling. I wish I could take the last conversation back. I wish.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

madamystic, so many losses fr you to bear. I'm so sorry you suffer so many things. Your journey through the grief will be long, and you have overcome so many obstacles so far with the losses beyond death. I understand the loss of a living child to the "system." I was told I had a daughter when her mother was dying of an overdose. Take it easy on yourself, gentle and kind. Healing is slow in arriving. You will always feel the loss, but the pain will ease with time.

[lemonhead]

To all of you who have suffered a loss, I offer my condolences. My mother died on Aug. 5, 2005 after many years of suffering from a very debilitating stroke. Doctors ordered hospice care in March and mom seemed to struggle along as she always had. When she took a turn for the worse just 5 days before her death, my siblings and I knew this was the end we had sometimes prayed for during her long years of pain and suffering. I accepted what was to occur. I told myself that I had been with her through all the years of midnight ER visits, falls, CHF, and all that comes with her illness (Dad passed away over 30 years ago when mom was 42, I was 8)and that I would remain through her death. As days went on, and I was not leaving her side, the hospice nurses reminded us to let mom know it was OK to let go. We all thanked mom, told her of our love, let her know she would see her beloved husband, and parents....this went on for 5 days. I felt at ease with my relationship with my mother, and knew over the years I would have no guilt at the end. This changed when one of my siblings announced very dramatically that \"we were begging our mother to die\". I can\'t get those words from my head. I would give anything for my 73 year old mother to be here today, and live a happy, healthy life. I know much of my guilt is normal, and probably the source of my siblings display, but it hurts so much to suffer this loss and then to feel so guilty because I am being judged on the way I shared my mother\'s last days and minutes. I would seriously like some feedback from some totally unbiased, grieving friends. I miss my mom like crazy, and pray to her everyday. I know she is at peace, and that is most important, but my own pain is consuming my thoughts. Please respond.

[livingodaat]

Lemonhead my heart goes out to you and your family. I\'m so sorry that your mom passed. To spend the last days with your mom must have been hard; also to see her suffer through the last years of her life. At least she knows that everyone loves her very much. I\'m sure she knows now that you guys would be ok without her. Sometimes I feel when a sibling is angry and upset they will lash out at the people close to them. Maybe that\'s how they felt as though they were begging mom to die. I relized one thing in life. There is a time for life and death. We know that it will happen but not when. The impact is I think overwhelming. Society has an answer for everything except how to grieve. There is no right or wrong way. Belive me when I say it\'s a very stressful time. To loss your best friend/mom is a horrible feeling. You guys got to spend the last days with your mom. My mom died suddenly of a massive stroke. There are many days that I wish I had a few days or even a day to tell my mom I love her and it\'s ok. But I don\'t.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: A baby is born. On the average people feel happy, joyful, overwhelmed, exhausted, sad, anxious, frustrated, irritated, and the list can go on and on.

On the other hand someone dies. People feel sad, angry, overwhelmed, frustraded, glad, isolated, withdrawn, confused, disappointed, enraged, defensive, depressed, hostile, guilty and the list can go on and on.

What they have in common is; some of the same feelings are for different reasons. you don\'t know how someone accepts the birth of a baby and the death of someone. But you do know either way sometimes is a hard thing to accept. For example take the same exact feeling (Glad) glad to see she finally had the baby, glad she won\'t eat pickles and peanut butter anymore, glad to see she can get off bed rest. The list goes on and on. For death glad she doesn\'t have to suffer anymore, glad she doesn\'t have to stay in the bed and look at the ceiling anymore, glad she had us here with her these last days, and the list goes on also.

So what I\'m tring to tell you is this it\'s ok to know you did the best you could in the situation at hand and if you had a chance to do it over again I don\'t believe you would do it any differently. Don\'t beat yourself up so bad.

Love you for being the loving person that you are.

[swede1]

Lemonhead,

That makes 3 of us who lost our mothers because of strokes. Livingodaat made some very good points, and I'd like to add that, while we all hope for it, it seems hardly anyone gets to experience the "perfect" death, in terms of the one who's dying or the survivors. All the good, or better parts of what you had, WERE good, and that's no small thing. It's natural to feel guilt over SOMETHING, and this is possibly the ONLY thing you can find in your experience to feel any guilt over. Livingodaat is talking about acceptance of your feelings, I think, as part of the normal grieving process. When my Mother had her last, massive stroke, I knew her death was imminent, but I couldn't be there ( 2 blizzards in both cities, so couldn't get a quick flight out ), so I had about 5 hours to sit and sweat about it. My Mom died all alone, as no one from the rest of the family (who all lived there) were with her, either. Count it as a great blessing that you were able to be there for her, especially for days before, to just BE with her.

There is no shame in wishing, or simply accepting release for her from a life that held little or no quality anymore. While I have much anger for the circumstances that led to my Mother's death, and am pretty certain she'd still be around if not for medical mistakes and my father's dementia (which exacerbated her problems), I also realize her quality of life likely wouldn't have been great. My Mother just wanted to go home - she wasn't at all happy with being institutionalized, and with enough strokes, returning home usually isn't possible anymore. As with your mother, even had she hung on longer, would it have contributed to a better quality of life for her to do so? I see it as the same thing animal lovers go through when trying to decide whether to euthanize or not, except since we have that power of choice with them, the guilt is greatly magnified, usually no matter WHICH decision is made. Ultimately, each of us decides when we are going, despite anything else going on. Your mother left her body behind not BECAUSE of your blessing to let her leave, but WITH your blessing. The fact that she waited a few days after you accepted her imminent departure was probably just a gift from her to you, to give you time to adjust somewhat in your head to what was coming anyway. She still had her free will and she used it to leave when she was ready. ( at least that's how I look at it ) I don't mean to be insensitive by this comment, but you have much to be grateful for with her dying process, compared to many others.....I'd hate to see you spoil that with unwarranted guilt. This may not help you just yet, as guilt WILL have its way if you allow it to ( and there's usually some kind of pay-off to carrying guilt for too long, believe it or not! ), but it may make some sense later, when you're ready to really hear it. Guilt is probably the hardest emotion to deal with and come to terms with and often takes a lot of hard work to squeeze out of your head and heart, one drip at a time sometimes, so if you can't get rid of it quickly, again, no shame.....just keep chipping away at it by realizing all the good works you DID do for your mother. She wouldn't want you to suffer with it, either, I'm sure, so ponder that as well. Maybe you also need to sit down with your sibling and hash out THEIR guilt with them, the guilt they tried to transfer to YOU. When you know what's behind their's, it may help you to see things differently. Me, I think you handled yourself and your mother's dying wonderfully. I see you as a very good daughter, who should be proud and grateful she did the right things as best she could.

[lemonhead]

I would like to thank swede1 and livingodaat for their very wise insight into the situation I am faced with. I truly believe things happen for a reason, although at times it is so cliche, finding this web site and this message board at the time I did is something I am so grateful for. Your words of care and support are more than I could have ever expected at a time I needed them the most. I must say that after reading the responses I did feel better, and more importantly normal. Swede1 commented on the blessing not being the cause but something my mom left with. I can't tell you how that simple phrase had a huge impact on my feelings of guilt. As a mother myself, I agree, emotions are so similar with death as in new life. I appreciate both of you sharing your thoughts and feelings. To you swede1, I have many siblings, and I would like to let you know that over the years of my mom's life, I spent many hours being mad at them. If you would like to vent...I would be here for you, and possibly provide you with some comfort and you for me. I also would like to share that just 6 weeks before my mom passed, my father-in-law died of cancer. Although, we all spent many hours with him to avoid him being alone, he passed with no one at his side. Where this is a huge source of pain for my husband, after witnessing the end with my mom, I can't say which is more difficult. I am happy I could be there for my mom, but I also saw her in a state that is something that doesn't leave your memory for some time. Again, thank you both for all the things that you said to help ease my pain. I can honestly say, your words have helped a lot.

[livingodaat]

I am a God fearing woman. If it were not for my belief who knows where I would be right now. I could say I really had a wonderful life with my mom. We lived together She was about to retire and didn't want to live alone anymore so she asked me to move in with her. Before that she lived in one city and I another. It was 10 of us siblings; still living is 7. When my to younger brothers died I guess I got through it ok. My Fiance of 6 years died suddenly of a heart attack at a party in 2000. That was hard for me to get over I still haven't he was my soulmate.I struggle with that too.But not as bad now. So when my mom asked me to move in with her I was happy no more lonely nights. Just knowing I home with her made my day. All of us kids talked to my mom about 5-7 times a day. We all got along ok. I was used to taking my mom to work every morning before I went to work; that was our personal time we would joke and laugh. And through out the day we still talked to each other many times. we were used to watch all the sports together it no one else cared for sports except my brother, but he really never came to watch. The day my mom had the stroke was her day off Tuesday. I told her I will see her when I get home.She said ok as usual. Throughout the day I didn't here from her at all. So I started calling my siblings and asked them had they talked to her. They all said no. I told them I was leaving work this don't sound right for no one to her from her. I got home and found her in her bathroom on the floor. I immediately called 911 and my two older daughters and they came right away. I was in shock to see my mom lying on the floor, I couldn't help. I called my daughter because she works as a nurse assistant going to school for nursing. I thought she would have helped. They rushed her to the hospital. The doctor said there was nothing that they could do. she had passed away. Today I had a rough, rough, rough, day. all of my so called friends live 1 hour away from me. whenever i need to talk they really don't pay attention to me. That makes me even more angry. It got to the point I couldn't get up and go to work on time. Being used to taking my mom then going, Some days I just could not do it. I tried to take time off but I gues they weren't listening either. so they let me go. I have a lot of bad days. But learning to live on day at a time. Right to this day I haven't watched any sports; that is hard for me right now. I felt like getting in my car and driving til i couldn't drive anymore and never come back.

I prayed to GOD every day I know God only gives you as much as you can handle; But I couldn't handle anymore. How much must a person go through I don't want to feel the pain anymore I want it to go away and never come back. if it were not for this site that i can vent i still wouldn't know what to do. I would have to say THANK YOU LORD FOR THIS SITE AND THE SUPPORT I LONG FOR,......

[lemonhead]

To livingodaat,

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult weekend. It must be just horrible to walk in your home to find your mother there like you did. It sounds as though you have endured many losses over the years. It is so hard to go about the day to day activities when you miss someone so much, when they were such an important part of every day. I feel somewhat isolated from my group of friends since my mom\'s passing. I always felt a little out of place because she had her first stroke 19 years ago, and could not really be the kind of mom and grandma that my friends have. I dealt with that because we had a different relationship altogether. Now that she is gone, hearing about other people and their moms is almost intolerable. People can\'t understand this kind of loss unless they\'ve experienced it. I think your grieving may be deeper in many ways because you didn\'t lose just your mom, but your roomate, and someone you probably helped care for. It is so hard to believe that your job wasn\'t more understanding. For that I feel so sad for you. You really had been through enough. Do you talk with your siblings now? I totally agree that this site is an amazing avenue to voice feelings and to be heard by people who really listen and understand a bit. We all come to this place because we want to, not out of obligation or responsibility. I hope you begin to feel better soon. Today was a day full of thoughts of my mom running through my head all day. Sometimes I\'d find myself smiling, other times it would cause me to tear up in missing her so much. This process takes a lot of time! Take care.

[livingodaat]

Thanks to all of you that support me. I really appreciate it. For the record I'm having an ok day today.

[cliffordthebigredog]

It was July 22 1998,My best friend and mentor Jerome Died..He has a nickname Jerry Roth..He wasnt a rocket scientist or a college professor.He sold auto parts to gas stations and garages and car dealers..He wasnt a giant,he stood 5foot 9 inches before he shrunk to 5 foot7..He was my best friend,he past away after 3 weeks of fighting after a massive heart attack.He said that ge felt a elephant on his chest..It all seems like yesterday,I dont sleep right,Im all messed up with work and social situations..I started having outbursts,im getting counseling and i take meds..today i was looking at old fotfotos i cried for 3 hrs.My mom says and sister its been 7 yrs..It doesnt matter when he died my spirit died,i try to make it but its hell.I look at father and sons,and I say why jerry Roth?Wednesday i will returnin to my low paying teachers asst job,I dont think i will return.ive had the summer off..i had to take 9 weeks off in Feb 2005 do to my girlfriend wanted to break up after 2 and half years..she has so many problems..she came fr dysfunction plus a host of personal demons..we r 46 yeras old,somedays i feel i should just retire fr this all..But then i think i have 2 more heros Mike and EEEEEEEEEEEEEj my 14 and 11 yrs old buddies.they r my nephes,my only sisters boys..her and I were so close growing up,since she married 16 yrs ago we r still close..My bro inlaw has 4 brothers,he has lost his dad..he is a very private and quiet..sis has a great personality like mom but keeps everything private.i would say i wear my heart on my sleeve..It feels great to post this i look forward to reading enc.comments..i did print some poems maybe someoneelse has a poem or a story..signed Clifford The Big Red Dog p.s. my girlfriend r trying to fix things,but wh o know i have to get better to make it..i told her I need a break too,we have started talking and seeing either after many months..its tough..

[madamystic]

(LEMONHEAD:)

I HAVE BEEN W/O ELEC FOR 5 DAYS AND 4 NIGHTS, NOTHING TO DO BUT STARE INTO THE CANDLELIGHT EACH NIGHT AND THINK........HURRICAINE IS A NATURAL DISASTER AND I GUESS I HAD TO CONTINUE GRIEVING NATURALLY W/O ANYTHING TO DISTRACT ME......ANYWAY, I JUST READ WHAT LEMONHEAD WROTE A FEW DAYS AGO ABOUT LETTING HER MOM GO AT THE END........I HAVE HAD ALOT OF TIME TO THINK AND SORT THINGS OUT....WHAT IF AND WHAT IF AND WHAT IF,,,,,,,,MY DAD WAS ON AT HOME HOSPICE,,,,,,AND HE WAS SUFFERING UNBEARABLY AT THE END,,,,,,BUT I WAS LIVING FOR TAKING CARE OF HIM IF THAT MAKES SENSE,,,AND I COULD NOT SEE HOW SICK HE WAS EVEN THE HOUR BEFORE HIS DEATH,,,,,,HOSPICE KNEW THAT HE WAS HOLDING ON BECAUSE HE DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE HIS WIFE,,,MY BEAUTIFUL MOM WHOM HE WAS MARRIED TO FOR 60 YEARS,,,AND HOSPICE TOLD US TO HELP HIM GO,,,,,,,,SO,,FINALLY 48 HRS BEFORE HIS PASSING MOM TOLD HIM IT WAS OK IF HE WANTED TO GO ON AHEAD OF HER IF THERE WERE PEOPLE WAITING FOR HIM,,,,,THAT SHE WOULD BE RIGHT BEHIND HIM,,,,,,THAT SHE WOULD TAKE THEIR CAR AND FOLLOW HIM......HE KNEW,,,,,BELIEVE ME HE KNEW,,,,,I, FINALLY, THE HOUR BEFORE HE PASSED LAYED MY HEAD ON HIS CHEST AND TOLD HIM IF HE COULD FIND A PLACE TO GO AND REST, THAT IT WOULD BE OKAY IF HE WENT,,,,THAT I WOULD STAY WITH MOMMY,,,,,,,,I KNOW THAT HE HEARD ME,,,,,,,,,I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT IT IS COINCIDENTAL THAT HE PASSED SO SOON AFTERWARD AFTER PUTTING UP SUCH A STRUGGLE AND HE WAITED UNTIL EVERYONE LEFT THE HOUSE BUT MOM AND MYSELF AND DIED IN OUR ARMS,,,,,,,,,,WEBOTH FEEL SO GUILTY,,,,,WE FEEL AS IF WE PUSHED HIM TO GO,,AND AS IRRATIONAL AS IT MAY SOUND,,,,,,,,IT IS HORRIBLE TO FEEL THAT MAYBE WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TOLD HIM TO GO,,,,,,,MY MOM CRIES OVER IT AND IT PAINS HER,,,,SHE IS SECOND GUESSING EVERYTHING SHE SAID AND DID FOR HIM,,,,YET SHE KEPT HIM ALIVE,,,,KEPT HIS SPIRIT ALIVE,,,,,,,,,,,,HE WAS SUFFERING FROM ALZHEIMERS, PARKINSONS AND BLADDER CANCER,,,,,,,YOUKNOW, ON ONE HAND WE ARE LUCKY CUZ WE GOT TO BE THERE,,,,,,,,,BUT ON THE OTHER,,,,,,IT IS AN EXPERIENCE THAT I CLOSE MY EYES AND RELIVE OVER AND OVER AGAIN,,,,,,,,,,I DID NOT EXPECT HIM TO GO WHEN HE DID,,I THOUGHT THERE WAS STILL TIME.....ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT OUR GRIEF,,ALL OF OURS IS PAINFUL AND LONELY AND MIND SPLITTING,,,,DID ANY OF US SAY THE RIGHT THINGS,,,,,,,I PRAY THAT WE ALL DID AND I KNOW THAT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US DID THE BEST THAT WE COULD HAVE UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES WE WERE EACH GIVEN OR WE WOULD NOT BE TAKING THE TIME OUT TO HEAL EACH OTHER AND OURSELVES SOME HOW OR SOME WAY THROUGH THIS UNITY OF SHARING WITH STRANGERS......I WOULD LIKE TO HEAL, BUT I FEEL AS IF I WAKE UP TO THE WRONG WORLD EACH RISING........I CAN ONLY KNOW THAT WHAT YOU FEEL, AND WHAT YOU KNOW TO BE TRUE IS THE REALITY,,,,NOT WHAT OTHER\'S MAY THINK OR WANT TO ADD TO YOUR BURDEN FOR THE SAKE OF THEMSELVES...JUST BE TRUE TO WHAT YOU BELIEVE YOU HOPED TO ACCOMPLISH DURING YOUR MOM\'S LAST DAYS AND YOU CAN REST EASY SINCE YOU DID YOUR SINCERE BEST........AND THAT CAN NEVER BE WRONG......PEACE...

[butterfly10954]

hi there i recently had my dad passed away on august 11, 2005 at the age 66 complications of head injury to much brain damage. I had to make the decision to the doctor about letting him peacefully and make him comfortable no machines. now my family hasn't contacted me in anyway to see i am doing and so going my separate ways from my family because my dad was the holding thing to keep me to stay in touch with my family and make peace with them. I miss him so much and we visit him 2 weeks before he died i did tell him that i love him and gave him a kiss with a hug for the last time. I remember he had a big smile and wanted to go off the hospital bed. he was trying to tell me something and he has tears in his eyes. I haven't really cryed that much and it hasn't really hit me all at once yet. need help

Iam so sorry for your loss...Don't feel bad or strange about not crying,I lost my dad July 4th and the tears do come, but at the strangest time.I thought it was so weird, I mean I cried at the funeral, but then was done for a while, and couldn't cry. Then at my kids camp show, I lost it, cried my eyes out cause he wasn'tthere to see it. Again today,heard a song that reminded me of him, and I lost it.

So again, sorry for your loss and feel what you feel...Cindy butterfly10954@yahoo.com

[lemonhead]

madamystic,

I hope this finds you safe and sound. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It sounds as though we share many of the same emotions. Because my mom suffered for so long, I always thought that I would feel a sense of relief for her when she passed. Sometimes I do, but mostly I second guess myself as you said. Is this normal, or the result of what my sibling said? After reading your post, I think it is probably a normal reaction for those put in the hospice care situation. I feel so sad for your mom who, after 60 years of marriage, believes she could have done more. She is lucky to have you to help her to get through this, and that you shared much of her same experience in the end. Thanks again for your support. I would like to add that this site has helped me so much. Since I started reading and writing, my life feels more of something I can live.

[swede1]

To you swede1, I have many siblings, and I would like to let you know that over the years of my mom's life, I spent many hours being mad at them. If you would like to vent...I would be here for you, and possibly provide you with some comfort and you for me. I also would like to share that just 6 weeks before my mom passed, my father-in-law died of cancer. Although, we all spent many hours with him to avoid him being alone, he passed with no one at his side. Where this is a huge source of pain for my husband, after witnessing the end with my mom, I can't say which is more difficult. I am happy I could be there for my mom, but I also saw her in a state that is something that doesn't leave your memory for some time.

Lemonhead,

Thanks for sharing these parts, and you're more than welcome for any help I can provide to you, too!

As always, I'm glad to find out I'm not the only one on these boards who's had trouble with family members, in this case, siblings. I'd had to cut off communication with everyone in my family a number of years ago, because of all the craziness going on. My husband and I moved to another Province for his work and I only reconnected with my Mom after a short while. It was difficult to say the least, but my Mom and I reestablished a somewhat new relationship, so it was worth all the preceding trouble because we got along better. I had only spoken to my remaining brother once in all those 10 years and I thought things might be better with him after that....turned out I couldn't have been more wrong! When our mother took ill, it was my eldest brother I reconnected with and worked somewhat with for our Mother's sake. I still had some trouble with him ( he procrastinated so badly about getting things done for her ) but still spent many hours on the phone with him (he lived there and I didn't). He was the one who tried to help me get our Mom's clothing and together we retrieved a few childhood things for the 3 of us siblings, as we were worried our father would get rid of precious things (which he did). While both brothers had emotional problems, I was just discovering some common depths to my oldest brother, who I'd always been closer to anyway as we shared quite a few talents and interests. Our other brother didn't care to involve himself in any family matters, even our Mother's sickness and dying, and never went to see her even once. My eldest brother tried to talk to him, but he was arrogant and haughty to him and told him he didn't care as he knew he was going to get everything in the end for himself. Even my eldest brother's wife didn't believe my brother about this and felt he was just being "overly sensitive" about the issue. She was WRONG...but then, she's greedy, too, so no big surprise. I was just about to reply to my brother's last email to me when I got the call from his wife that he'd had a bad stroke and was in hospital. She delayed in getting him to Emerg. when he told her she'd better take him....and I think it was deliberate, as she'd wanted to leave him for years. I never got to see him, either, as we had no income for me to fly out again (since I'd just been there wks. before). The only nice thing his wife did for me after was send some pictures of his funeral that their son had taken. Other than that, she was terrible when talking to me, to say the least. My remaining brother has cerebral palsy (affecting only one leg) and has had a huge chip on his shoulder ever since I was born and took attention away from him, as I was then the youngest, and only girl, who my Mother had been waiting for. After both deaths, he lied to me and only told me what he wanted me to know and nothing else. I've found out how much like our father he's become - greedy, self-centered and resentful of everybody and everything. I've refused to put myself in the 'enemy's camp' anymore since he's treated me like I'm not even a part of the family, as if he's the only one who ever was! He even felt that our parents' home was half HIS, just because he lived there into his 40's, with free room and board and using the entire basement as his own. Most likely, if I ever see him again, it will be in court, to contest the illegal Will he had our father draw up about a week before our father was picked up lost, and assessed with severe dementia. It's all been such a royal mess, and a tragic and horrible ending to my poor Mother's life, and one that I can never change now, ever. THIS is now the legacy of my family that I have to live with, and that's killing me.

I'm glad you shared how it was awful to watch your mother die, though, because I've debated about that in my head, and had wondered if I could have stood those final images, on top of everything else. I know of one woman who deliberately timed her last visit to her own mother so that she wouldn't have to remember her at her worst. So you may indeed be right about that. While my last trip to see my Mom wasn't pretty, either, at least we shared some pretty poignant moments, despite her impaired thinking. I know, from having to watch my furbaby die, that death usually looks really ugly, even if it IS only the body's reflexes when shutting down....it's incredibly difficult to see. My real regret only has to do with wanting to tough out her death and be there for HER sake, especially since I never thought NO ONE would be there with her. I don't even know, or expect, that a nurse was by her side, as she was in a rehab. place, not a hospital or with hospice care ( no one even suggested that for her there ). While she was probably spared my father's hysterics and non-peaceful, non-respectful attitudes during her final hours, I had hoped at least our oldest brother would have made it to her bedside. There was a blizzard and he almost got hit by a snow-plow when he attempted to drive there, so ended up not chancing it. I know I would have tried harder to get there, though, regardless. But this is too long already, so I'll sign off for now. Thanks for listening.

[lemonhead]

swede1:

When it became evident that the responsibility for seeing to my mother's needs (physical, spiritual, and financial) was mine I began resenting my many siblings. They allowed me to handle affairs for my mom for many, many years. Occassionally, when I would ask for help, I was either told "can't do it" or the request was simply ignored and I ended up doing things myself anyway. Somebody once told me that "one mother can take care of 10 kids, but 10 kids can't take care of 1 mother." I so agree. At the last few weeks of my mom's life, some of my siblings did step up... surprisingly. I am glad they did, and know it was to ease their guilt for the last several years. The ones that didn't, they have to live with that. I find myself thinking of not staying in touch with my brothers and sisters at all anymore. My mom was the bond that kept us together and without her here, they can all go to hell for how they took atvantage of me and my care for their mother. Then I think of what my mom would say to that....

I am so sorry for your feelings that you weren't there physically for your mom when she passed. I don't even know what to say that can ease the hurt for you other than it was an act of nature that prevented you from being there in person and maybe that is exactly how it was supposed to be. The end is very "ugly" and even though I saw my mom at her absolute worst over many years, the images of her dying is something I picture all the time. Are these pictures supposed to remind me of her struggles, and that she was trying to hang on for all of us because she loved us so much, or are they the "guilt pay off" I won't release. Why so much guilt with death??? We all know it is going to happen....why is this emotion the one that prevails?

I really get a lot from your posts....not just those in response to mine, but what you give to others on this site. Thank you.

[swede1]

Lemonhead,

My brothers, too, failed to do anything of much use for my Mom, though they were the ones who lived in the same city. In fact, my Mom was still cleaning my remaining bro's house for him, (and my dad would do his yard)up until about the last 2-3 years of her life....so til she was in her 80's, and ill to boot! Not that he wanted or expected her to, and maybe it gave purpose to her life, but still, it wasn't right. My older bro kept his distance completely, and not that I blame him (alot of family history behind all that), but at least he stepped up some when he ought to have, just not enough. I think he only visited her all of 5 x's in the rehab. over the 6 months, and then only for maybe 1/2hr. at a time. I had MANY complete frustrations about the whole lot of them. They just weren't able to put aside their historical feelings for long enough to DO something new in her time of great need. What's worse, is that I know she had to count on her only daughter, me, to step up to the plate, and yet I wasn't able to, either, because of distance and lack of funds at the time. However, I do have guilt about the years prior, when she asked me the last time to come and "be my nurse"...I took great affront because she didn't ask me to come and just be her DAUGHTER. And yet, I would have gone anyway but for two other things: my furbaby needed my care at the time ( it was soon after her brother had died and she became anorexic and developed kidney disease and my husband wouldn't offer his help at that point should I be away ), and I didn't think my father would even let me IN their house ( he had been mad at me ever since I left the family business years ago, then moved away ), much less stay there, and people were also worried he might actually try to harm me should I stay there. So I admit I was afraid to face him....but had I known she'd be gone in a few short years, I would have tried it anyway. At the time, all we could think of was that I'd fly in, possibly for nothing if he wouldn't allow me in..and then what? But the end result was that I let my fears get the best of me, and for that I'll always be more than sorry because it meant that I also let my Mother down terribly. Then it was just too ironic that once she was institutionalized, and I didn't have to worry about staying in their house while I was there, we had NO income for me to keep flying out - I only got to go twice in that 6 months, then once after she'd gone. My husband, again ironically, finally got work AFTER my brother's funeral, which I also couldn't attend because of the lack of funds. And not one relative offered to pay my fare and let me pay them back later, in order for me to be there, not even my last brother. They're ALL nuts!

You may be right, though, that it was just supposed to be this way in the end, w/o me being there to see those ugly moments. I've often wondered the same thing, and don't envy you THAT part, as I know my first memory when I think of my beloved furbaby is of his dying moments, not his living ones......and it's truly an awful picture, like you said. I don't know why we do this to ourselves, nor why guilt does seem like the biggest emotion, though we cycle through a million different ones. We humans seem to have a real penchant for hanging onto guilt, perhaps because our religions have drummed it into us for so long. It SHOULD be nothing more than a gentle push to improve our behaviour, but it ends up being far bigger than that. Just as we're supposed to use anger to make changes we need to make, but we hang onto it and let it eat us up instead. And I've also found that even if I DO use anger appropriately, that doesn't necessarily make it go away either....so I remain confused about the whole matter.

And yes, we all know death is going to happen, but again, our Western culture and most religions have tried to bury talk and exploration of ideas around death, instilling such fear in us about it, that we're so damaged by now it's hard to dig our way out of all the bad feelings adn ideas we now associate with it. Had we grown up with some other philosophies as other cultures have, some of whom actually CELEBRATE a death (because it means someone has attained freedom from the physical and is closer then to enlightenment, etc.), we wouldn't be suffering as much now. But fear of death is quite ingrained.....I get pretty mad about THAT, too! Stupid culture, to make us feel SO bad!!!!

I'm glad I'm being of some help on these boards, sometimes w/o even meaning to (!), but like everyone else here, I'm looking for answers, too. Whatever I say is just what I've learned from experience, and being a real ponderer (sometimes it's a real curse!), I think alot about things....and what is more important to consider than what life and death MEAN? I've thought more than I ever cared to, since my 3 losses, on what my OWN death was going to mean, how it would be, etc. and it hasn't been pleasant. But as Buddhists often seem to say, if you don't look at death, you can't really know how to LIVE, either, so it's become an obsession with me to figure out everything I possibly can, before it's MY time to leave. The only thing I've become certain about is this: I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO EVER COME BACK HERE AGAIN, UNLESS EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED DRASTICALLY FOR THE BETTER!!!! ( although I'm not even certain we have a choice in the matter! )

[pakigrl]

Its almost going to be 2 months since mama died. I've been missing her alot lately. My 22 bday is coming up and its hard to know that she wont be here to cut the cake with me. Everynight i feel like crying, i really miss her. she was my best friend. Its really hard for me. i love her so much. i wish i could just hold her one more time. its going to be hard going thru life w/o her. I used to go to her whenever i was confused or hard a problem, now i have no one. Life has changed so drastically. i know that with time life will get easier. I hope that day happnes quickly. everytime i look at old pictures i get so sad, i wish i would have just one more day with her. i love her so much. i will never forget her. i love you mama.

[madamystic]

DEATH IS NOT UGLY:

I AM SORRY FOR ALL OF US WHO HAVE LOST OUR LOVED ONES AND ARE GRIEVING ALONE OR WITH SOMEONE,,,,,I AM VERY SYMPATHETIC FOR THOSE WHO HAVE CONFLICTS WITHIN THEIR OWN FAMILIES, ESPECIALLY NOW WHEN EMOTIONS RUN HIGH AND IF PEOPLE DON\'T CHANGE PRIOR TO THE EVEN ,,,,THEN THEY REMAIN SELFISH AND IRRESPONSIBLE...... I WAS THE LAST ONE MY PARENTS EVER THOUGHT THEY COULD DEPEND ON,,,I LEFT HOME AT 19 STUPIDLY AND BROKE THEIR HEARTS.......I TOOK THE ROAD THEY WARNED ME ABOUT,,,AND I HAVE HAD TO PAY A HIGH PRICE,,,EVERY STEP TURNED OUT TO HAVE DIRE CONSEQUENCES AND THEY STOOD BY ME AND THREE CHILDREN EVERY STEP OF THE WAY,, THOUGH THEY GRIEVED FOR THE WAY MY LIFE TURNED OUT.....ANYWAY, I HAVE BEEN ON THE BEST OF TERMS WITH THEM ONCE I GREW UP,NOT CHRONOLOGICALLY, BUT WITH WORDS, CONVERSATIONS I AM GLAD WE HAD,,,,AND I LET THEM KNOW THEY WERE THE BEST PARENTS AND I AM ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES........MY GUILT FOR WHAT I DID TO THESE TWO WONDERFUL PEOPLE USED TO EAT ME ALIVE,,,,,WHEN DAD BECAME SICK AND THE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM HAD TO BE TAKEN ON,,,I MADE IT MY MISSION TO FIGHT FOR THEM AND DO WHATEVER I COULD,,,I HAVE NO MONEY,,,,,AND I COULD NOT PAY FOR SOME OF THE THINGS THAT MIGHT HAVE MADE THINGS EASIER,,,,,BUT I WENT HOME 3 OUT OF 4 WEEKS A MONTH AND TOOK CARE OF DAD AND HELPED MOM ,,,THE SICKER HE BECAME,,,,THE HARDER HIS CARE WAS AND WE REFUSED TO PUT HIM IN A NURSING HOME,,,,,,MOM NEEDED HELP TO CARE FOR HIM UNTIL THE END AND FROM MY HEART I PROVIDED THAT,,,,I BEGGED AND BORROWED THE AIRFARE TO GET THERE ,,,,,,I HAVE ONE BROTHER,,,,I KEPT HIM NOTIFIED OF THE CIRCUMSTANCES,,,AND I CANNOT HOLD IT AGAINST HIM THAT HE COULD NOT DO WHAT I DID FOR THEM,,,,,NOT EVERY ONE CAN.......IT DID NOT LESSEN HIS LOVE FOR THEM,,,,,,,ONE THING, THOUGH,,,,,DEATH IS NOT UGLY!!!!!! IT IS ONE\'S JOURNEY TO THE OTHER SIDE,,,,,,IT IS A PROCESS AND I WAS BLESSED TO HAVE BEEN THERE FOR THE LAST BREATH.......THE BODY SHUTS DOWN BIT BY BIT,,,,IT IS AWESOME JUST AS BIRTH IS,,,,,,,WE CAN CALL THE BIRTHING PROCESS UGLY TOO, DONT YOU THINK???? PLEASE DO NOT DEMEAN THE LAST MOMENT OF ONE\'S LIFE, WHEN THEY LET GO OF THEIR MORTALITY AND STEP OVER BRAVELY, AS SOMETHING THAT IS \"UGLY\".........PLEASE FORGIVE MY OUTBURST,,,,,BUT I FEEL STRONGLY THAT DEATH IS SHEDDING ONE\'S BODY AND MOVING ON,,,,,,MY FATHER WAS BEAUTIFUL AND AT PEACE MOMENTS LATER......HIS SUFFERING THAT RELEASED HIM,,,CAN NEVER BE UGLY.....LIN

[chrisncamsmom]

I agree death isn't ugly. It takes away all the suffering we endure here during our life. Today would have been my parents 45th wedding anniversary and I know mom and dad had a wonderful exciting 40 years together.

A question, If anyone here deals with being a distance from where your parents are resting. I am over 300 miles away and have a very difficult time with not being able to go to the grave of mom and dad. If anyone has any ideas or can tell me how they have handled this I would appreciate it.