Adults Who Have Lost Their Parents

[karen40]

hi mofirefly, thanks for your lovely message, i am sorry that you and everyone else here have had to lose there amazing parents too, life is so cruel isnt it? fathers day was terrible yesterday wasnt it? i know what you mean about feeling so empty and alone, people i know say to me its been 1 yr and 8 months since you lost your dad and 9 months since your mum you must be feeling better now, but i'm not if anything i feel worse, do you feel the same? i feel like i'm going mad, why cant i carry on with life? other people i know who have lost loved ones seem to be managing ok why cant i? is it because we had such special relationships and were so close to our parents? i really cant understand it.

i hope everyone here is having a bit of a better day, and my heart goes out to you all as we find ourselves in these terrible situations. i wish you all some peace, love karen x

[bkerber]

I just wanted to add my thoughts here if I could. I lost my mom and dad last May 5 days apart, both with lung cancer. I was devistated as were my sister and 3 brothers. It has been a really long road with a lot of sadness. On the outside I seemed ok, but internally I missed them so badly. I think the anniversaries were the hardest. 1 year since Mom went to hospice house, 1 year since Dad went into the hospital for the last time..so on and so on. Once I got through those I think I started allowing myself to heal. We just got back from a weeks vacation in the mountains. We rented a 5 bedroom cabin on a river and 4 of the 5 of us kids went with our children and grandchildren. My parents loved the mountains and would have been so proud that we all went together. We had a little ceremony at a falls at a campground they used to take us to as kids. We all took some of their ashes, which we each kept a portion of in tiny urns, and released them in the falls so they would be forever part of it. I did ok, couldnt talk about it though without tearing up, but we all kind of did the silent thing, knowing what each other was thinking. I finally feel ready to move on to the next phase and let this saddness go. I still miss them every single day and sometimes I still cry, but I now feel the need to heal and I think Im going to be ok. I do know what all of you are going through or have gone through and Im so sorry that you are in that place. Take care.

[cookies]

My Mom passed away less than 2 months ago and I am so lost and full of pain. I wonder how I'll get through this pain. I know I'm in the very early stages and some people tell me that it will get more bearable in time. I can't imagine that it will ever get more bearable.

My Mom was my best friend, I could go to her with anything and she listened to me and offered me comfort, support and encouragement. She loved me unconditionally, the only person who ever has. Whenever I had hard times, I knew I had her to go to, to talk to, to cry to, to comfort me. And she always did. Now, I'm going through the hardest, most painful thing in my life and I can't go to the person who always comforted me - because she is the one I am grieving.

I am either feeling numb or overcome with sadness. I'm managing to go to work and do the minimal daily things, forcing myself to do other things now and then, but really, I look forward to nothing. I don't really wonder about how long it will take before this is a little less painful, what I wonder about is how I'll live with this completely lost feeling I have. How will I adjust to this feeling? My greatest emotional security is gone and I feel like I'm lost at sea trying not to drown.

I tell myself I should not feel so lost, I'm not a child, but rather a middle aged woman, but I was emotionally very close to my Mom. I felt great security knowing that she was there for me and that no matter what life brought me, I was loved unconditionally and accepted just for who I was by one person - my Mom. And now she is gone.

Yes, I am very fortunate to have family and friends who love me and care for me, and I know my family members are going through the same painful grief and I try to be supportive of them but it almost seems to me anyway (and I'm not thinking very clearly yet) that they are managing much better than I am. They probably aren't. I don't want to come off as disrespectful to those who care about me, but of course, all I want is comfort from my Mom.

I used to work as a counsellor in my past career and a small part of that was grief work with my clients. I'm reading books on grief and mourning, and I am "embracing" my grief - as in, I'm not running from it or trying to self-medicate with substances or other negative behaviours. I know it's a matter of adjusting to the loss and learning to have a "new" life without her physically here. I know we all grieve in our own way and in our own time. But, nothing prepares you for such loss and your own grief!! The process is so very hard, I know you all know this. I know we're all here because of our loss and I pray that we all find a way to go through this and come to a more comfortable place at some time.

[Guest Guest]

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[Guest Guest]

I'm sitting here at work at my desk , staring out the window across the top of the phone, the very phone that rang 6 months ago. When I answered it, it felt like the blood ran out of my body immediately. My mother told me that my father had a terminal brain tumour. Seven weeks later he was gone. He'd been suffering from vagueness, confusion, so had gone off for some tests. We just assumed it was some minor stroke or similar, so the shock of that phone call still lingers, especially when I sit in this same spot.

The whole process of death from diagnosis to the end was so quick and I don't feel like I had the time, still don't, to get used to it all. My mother is now alone after 52 years of marriage to this man, so she's the one I'm looking out for here. But to be selfish for a moment, there are times I just wish I could have him back, regrets that I let slip so many opportunities to just go and visit and shoot the breeze etc. I don't have that option anymore. Death sucks, big time.

[Guest Guest]

My Mom passed away less than 2 months ago and I am so lost and full of pain. I wonder how I'll get through this pain. I know I'm in the very early stages and some people tell me that it will get more bearable in time. I can't imagine that it will ever get more bearable.

My Mom was my best friend, I could go to her with anything and she listened to me and offered me comfort, support and encouragement. She loved me unconditionally, the only person who ever has. Whenever I had hard times, I knew I had her to go to, to talk to, to cry to, to comfort me. And she always did. Now, I'm going through the hardest, most painful thing in my life and I can't go to the person who always comforted me - because she is the one I am grieving.

I am either feeling numb or overcome with sadness. I'm managing to go to work and do the minimal daily things, forcing myself to do other things now and then, but really, I look forward to nothing. I don't really wonder about how long it will take before this is a little less painful, what I wonder about is how I'll live with this completely lost feeling I have. How will I adjust to this feeling? My greatest emotional security is gone and I feel like I'm lost at sea trying not to drown.

I tell myself I should not feel so lost, I'm not a child, but rather a middle aged woman, but I was emotionally very close to my Mom. I felt great security knowing that she was there for me and that no matter what life brought me, I was loved unconditionally and accepted just for who I was by one person - my Mom. And now she is gone.

Yes, I am very fortunate to have family and friends who love me and care for me, and I know my family members are going through the same painful grief and I try to be supportive of them but it almost seems to me anyway (and I'm not thinking very clearly yet) that they are managing much better than I am. They probably aren't. I don't want to come off as disrespectful to those who care about me, but of course, all I want is comfort from my Mom.

I used to work as a counsellor in my past career and a small part of that was grief work with my clients. I'm reading books on grief and mourning, and I am "embracing" my grief - as in, I'm not running from it or trying to self-medicate with substances or other negative behaviours. I know it's a matter of adjusting to the loss and learning to have a "new" life without her physically here. I know we all grieve in our own way and in our own time. But, nothing prepares you for such loss and your own grief!! The process is so very hard, I know you all know this. I know we're all here because of our loss and I pray that we all find a way to go through this and come to a more comfortable place at some time.

[Guest Guest]

just a poem~

God looked around His garden

And found and empty space.

He then looked upon this earth

And saw your tired face.

He put his arms around you

And lifted you to rest.

God's garden must be beautiful-

He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering,

He knew you were in pain.

He knew that you would never

Get well on Earth again.

He saw the road was getting rough

And the hills were hard to climb.

So he closed your weary eyelids

And whispered "Peace be thine".

It broke our hearts to lose you

But you didn't go alone.

For part of us went with you

The day God called you home.

[Guest Guest]

My father passed away this evening; He lost his battle with cancer tonight.

Since I was unable to sleep, I looked for solice and was lead to your poem, it was the perfect answer. My dad and I lived in different states, and conversed regularly via e-mail - I sent him my last e-mail tonight - it was your poem.

He won't open it up and read it - but I think he was the one that lead to me it! Thank you !!

[nickche]

Guest,

My heart goes out to you as you begin this journey of grief. My father passed away 5 months ago. The pain has lessened but I miss him terribly. Please be gently with yourself and reach out to others for comfort. Coming to this site is helpful.

Take care

[jpellet903]

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[Guest Guest]

It is going to be 5 months on the 12 of July since my Dad passed. It hurts just the same. I get through the day with smiles, but I am just so hurt inside. I try to talk about my Dad with friends, and no one wants to hear it. They change the subject so quickly its offending. Then the rare occassion I can mention my Dad, all I do is cry. So, no wonder no one wants me to talk. But I MISS him horribly. I can't pick up the phone and call. He lived in another state and didn't see him regulary. But I loved him all the same. My Mom died 20 years ago, when I was 27 years old. My Dad was the one steady rock in my life. Now that is gone. I am close to 50 yet, I feel like a lonely small child.

My Dad was diagnosed with Melanoma and lived about 7 months. I got to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with him. Then my brother, his family, myself, and my Dad's brother all got together in January and spent a couple of weeks with him. He was the center of attention. He was so happy then. I got the call and got on a plane and was by his side, holding his hand while he took his final breath. He was suffering at the end. Sure he was on a lot of morphine, but 24 hours before his death he whispered to me that he will be glad when its over.

I wish I could see and talk with him, just one more time.

[mofirefly]

To all of you who are signed on as guests, I hope you will come back and register - I have been off the boards awhile and then they went down and now as I read your posts I long to respond but am not sure how to let each of you know which guest I am refering too. My heart goes out to all who are now traveling this lonely road without a parent/parents to guide them....but truly they are still leading us on, just further away from us than we would want them to be. When others around you don't seem to want to talk, I do guess it's because they just don't want to upset you, but I too want to talk about my parents all the time and even tho I'm crying - I still want to talk - how I wish I could get others to understand that....and that is one reason I come to these boards because here we can talk, even while crying, and others are always there to listen. I hope each person who is here is able to find their way along this bumpy potfilled road of grieving and missing our loved ones. Take care!

[bugaboo]

My heart goes out to all of you that have lost a parent(s. It will be one year July 11 that my father passed away at 81 years old. My mom died 20 years ago and god blessed us with a wonderful step-mother. What I find as most difficult is not having any parents left. Not that I depended on them for advice or whatever(though my dad always had an opinion) but the loss of your "family" Nothing is same. My dad was compass in life. he always kept me honest even when I was certain my way was better. My dad found out fathers day last year that he had colon cancer and the doctors gave him a year to live. Within one week he was given three weeks. We were able to celebrate his life with him at the Hospice Home. He died exactly how wanted to: Peacefully

[chelle01]

I don't even know where to begin. I have been to this website many times. I posted once, but I don't think I did it right because I've never been able to find it again. I'm having a lot of difficulty and it only seems to be getting worse. I guess I just need to let everything out. I need help or support or I don't know what. I am 21 years old, and both of my parents and only grandparents died in 10 months. First my grand parents in may 06' which was no surprise, but very hard on my mother. Then in aug 06'my dad died unexpectedly in his sleep. Which was a shock to the whole family. Aug 8th 2006 was the day my whole life went to hell. I had moved out of my parents house and gotten an apartment with my fiance. The third night we spent there I got the phone call. My mom and dad had been married since they were 18, for 32 years. My dad died at 51. Me and my fiance moved back in with my mom and 16 year old sister to help them pay the bills. Because my dad had just gone on disability for COPD (which did not cause his death), and left teamsters union, he had yet to sign the life insurance papers. This left us with nothing. My dad supported us. My mom hadn't had a job in 20 years. We had no house and no reliable cars. My mom struggled with my dads death hard. She laid in bed all day crying. she had no money and supported herself off of my sisters social secuurity check which would only help her for another 2 years. She had no friends, no church, and never left the house. She drank and cried all day, feeling there was no future. She didn't take care of herself and got very sick. She was my best friend. I loved her more than anything. I know everything about her, and she knew everything about me. I tried to take care of her the best I could, but it was so hard when I had to work and was a sophomore in college. She always complained she was by herself all the time and we couldn't be there for her because there was so much for us to do. It was true, but she was the only thing that mattered to me. She said she didn't have a future, and I knew she would never be okay financially and always be alone, but I wanted it to work out. She would have never been happy but I would have my mother. I didn't have the money or time to fix her situation, and just as I thought she would overcome and live, she died. I was with her all day, just me and her. She was feeling better, we were goofing off and having fun. She even got hungry like she rarely did and made me call my fiance and request a pizza be brought home after work. I don't know what happened. That's what hurts the most. It all happened so quickly and I didn't take it seriously. She had an asthma attack like she always did, like my dad did. We were watching our favorite show. She took two nebulizer treatments and I asked if she wanted me to call 911. she said no, it was getting better. The 2 minutes later, she told me to call. I hesitated, but did. Still not taking it seriously. I thought she was fine. She started convulsing, the paramedics came, and I thought it would be okay. She passed out and they told me her heart stopped, they couldn't get it going again. How could this happen to me. She died 7 months after my dad on March 9th, 2007. Now I have taken legal guardianship of my little sister, and I feel so lost and so screwed. I just don't know what to do. Some days I'l be okay and others I just freak out. Like, this is my life now and there is no escape, no parents to help me or my sister. We havent had any therapy or anything. My sister refuses and I have no insurance. it seems I just go about my normal life, working, starting school in the fall, but with nothing really to look forward to but the future getting harder. And the future is getting harder all the time. How do I deal with this? What do I need to do to be okay again. I know there aren't real answers. I just would like to talk to someone.

_Chelle_

[jackiewitter]

gracerose, I used to hang on to every word that someone gave me to try and get over my grief. The past year has taught me that each and everyone of us grieves in different ways, different time tables and different intensity. I have struggled to understand why I grieve more for my brother than for my Mom and my Dad, one would think that I would miss my parents more, but that is not the case. It's much like how you love your children equally, but differently. That is one thing that I have found at this site, most people here offer their own experience, most just want to ease their own pain by helping someone else. At least that has been the case with me. Peace comes and goes, I have been lulled into thinking that I was "recovering" and moving on, only to be set back further than I was before. Nothing will ever fill the place in your heart that is empty now. But often reaching out to others takes your mind off the emptiness. I come here sometimes hoping to help only to find that reading someone elses post has opened my eyes to something new. I encourage you to continue to come here, I hope that you, like I have, find that you are not alone in your grief. If I can help you, please contact me, my email address is in my profile. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[alex329]

to gracerose and chelle 01.............i am also overwhelmed by grief and sadness from losing my dad suddenly to a brain anurism on 12/26/06...............i cant get over it...........i am in counseling and take zoloft but im still having a hard time............friends do not call alot....a few do.........but i just think if this happened to them i would be checking on them..........but they also have their parents and do not realize what it feels like to never see your father again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and they are all daddy little girl as i was.........but they just dont know................so im a little upset they have moved on and dont give me a second thought in their busy lives.................im having a really bad time with this................i do have a big family and a husband and son so i am ok....... im going to a new place this thurs for bereavement counseling............it cant hurt..................almost 7 months for me..............i just want to get on with this grieving process...........buuuuuuuuut there is no time in grief and we are all different..................my siblings go on with life and i do to but not as good as they do...............it bothers me..............im all messed up ad they seem ok to me..........but i also have really bad anxiety my whole life.................so that makes it harder for me....................we are all in terrible pain and the people around us think we should be "ok" by now.............yeah right...........not happening for me and i tell them to..........................im a mess, i dont want to go shpping or to a movie..................i feel so yucky right now.................anways i get out as much as i can so not to dwell on death and my dad allllllllllll day long...........................i can consume a whole day doing that and its not good for me so i really try not to do it....................my son is 10 and he wants to play and do things.................i have to be here for him..................................sorry for rambling.................hope your all well tonight............its a long road but we all have to get there in our own time......take care and keep writing......nite tara

[chelle01]

I know what you all are saying. I get so angry and frustrated when people don't understand. It's only been four months since my mom passed, which was the icing on the cake since I was/am still living with my dads death. Everyone at the place I work act like it was ages ago and I should be over it. My boss even said 2 months after my dad passed away that I'm going to have to "get over it." And then went on to tell me about her father passing away when he was 46. then she has the nerve to say "your father was pretty old, wasn't he." He was 50! Also sometimes I feel like I am pushing my fiance and others away. if I have a bad day, my fiance will ask me what's wrong, and I'l say "what do you think" and he'll think it's over something stupid that happened that day. I just want to scream, are you an idiot, My whole family is dead! I even did do that once and he got mad at me for calling him an idiot. Even after that he still doesn't understand that im upset about them. I just feel so alone sometimes and the way I react to others will probably ensure that one day I truly will be alone. I need to stop that.

_Chelle_

[Guest Guest]

Chelle01----I understand the feeling of pushing people away, I did the same thing to my now fiancee, then boyfriend, after my mother died. Unfortunately, they do not know how to handle situations like ours, they don't know what to say and all they want to do is to fix our broken hearts, but they can't. Unfortunately, they are the ones that are there with us, and we take out our anger and pain on them. My relationship had become so rocky that the ultimatum was given: either get professional help or the relationship was over, I called the college mental health office the next day, I relized that I could not get through my grief on my own and my fiancee, bless his heart finally did not know whatelse to do. He is trying to understand, but also knows he will never understand. I remember telling my boyfriend, " one day you will understand how I feel." knowing I would not wish the way that I feel upon anyone.

And for your boss, that is horrible for her to say, no one can just get over it, a death of a parent will take time especially when you are young and your parent was young as well (I don't care what anyone says 50 is a young age to die at.)

The only advise I can give you is that you are not alone, your fiance cares, he just cannot fix you like he would like and that is very frustrating to him I am sure, but continue to communicate with him, even him just listening to you will help you in the long run.

[Guest Guest]

I posted below on June 29th about my Mom's passing. I guess there was something wrong with the Boards at that time and it shows me as a guest even though I'm registered. Anyway, it's still very hard and painful for me. I miss my Mom all the time. I think about the things we used to do together and while I feel comfort from those happy memories, mostly I just feel overwhelming loneliness for her.

I had someone today tell me that she hoped I would have peace soon because she's very fortunate to have peace in the recent losses of 2 of her close family members. That made me realize once again, that no one really knows what another feels or goes through in their own grief, and one should not assume they know what another is going through. How does she know whether I have peace or not? As we all know, grief brings many feelings and emotions.

Sometimes people think they know what you're feeling, or they compare their situation to yours and make assumptions. I see no value in that. What I know is that I'm owning my grief, with all its loneliness, overwhelming sadness, and brokenheartedness - and not because I have no peace but because I simply miss my Mom who was my best friend and was always there for me.

[cookies]

Thank you to all for your words of understanding, support and compassion, it means so much to me. My Mom hasn't even been gone 3 months and sometimes it seems like yesterday when she passed and other times it feels like a million years because I miss her so much. The pain is so unbearable still and I can completely relate to feeling all alone in the universe. That is how I feel most of the time even when I'm not alone and am with my immediate family who are feeling the same way I am. Most of my "friends" seem to have disappeared, I feel like I am an outcast or have some awful disease because they stopped calling or checking on me about a week after the funeral. That doesn't feel good at all. This is a time when I need them most, I told a couple of them that, and still...the silence from their end is deafening it is so loud!

Grief is so very lonely. But, what can I do? Just find a way to keep going. I cry when I need to, which is every day, some days seem like total crying days and others are a little less teary. Tears or no tears though, the emptiness never goes. It is my constant companion. I had a wonderful relationship with my Mom while she was here and I am so very thankful for her and her love. It's the loneliness and realization that I will not see her again in this world or hear her voice again, that kills me inside. I pray every day, I talk to her every day, I write in my grief journal and I try to keep going but it's not easy at all.

Some do expect you to be "over it" within a few days or weeks, and it's not that way at all! We have suffered major life losses and next to death itself, we are going through the most major of life transitions. Our loved ones were with us for whatever time they were with us and no, we're not going to get over their passing in a couple of weeks or months even.

When many in my own little world of people don't seem to understand, and don't seem to care anymore, it's comforting to know that you here understand and care because we're all on the same journey abeit in our individual ways.

Thank you for listening to me and for your caring replies. I'll keep coming back here as I need to and maybe at some point, something I say might even help another too.

I pray that you find comfort in your grief and that your tears help you on your journey.

[Guest Guest]

I am 51, I am registered but showing up as a guest. My father is dying slowly and I am already grieving. He is 86, all his organs are shutting down and he is so sad about dying. Everyone thinks I should get over it, it's his time. But my heart is breaking.

[Guest Guest]

I am a 58 yr old widow and for a lack of a better term...orphan. I lost my husband in 1985. I lost my dad in 2000..I lost my mom in 2004..I lost my best friend/companion in 2003..I lost my sister in 2006...I lost my brother in 2007 and yesterday I lost my brotherinlaw..I dont know how much more loss I can stand. I believe that God has a Plan for us and also that all things happen for a reason and yet my loss's just keep building as the months pass. in jsut seven years I have lost 6 people that I loved dearly not to mention my lifes partner in 1985. I would appreciate some feedback from others who are suffering and in pain and trying to understand WHY ? Thankyou all and GOD BLESS.

[Guest Guest]

first time ive ever been on this site. and its makes me cry to hear such sad stories. i thought id gone through hell and yet not as half as much as you lot. im 24, lost my mum to ms, anorexia and neumonia 2 years ago. all my life i knew the day was coming because she always has been in and out of hospital with slim chances of survival. but that last time, the doctors were right. it was perfect as perfect as can be, all the family were there for 22 hours while we watched her go. then grandad died a year later, again us al there with him. 3 months after mum died dad announced he was gay after 25 years of marriage and full time care for paralysed mum. but you know took me a while but realised that lifes to sort and thank god i had 22 wonderful years with a fantastic inspirational mother. and i have my dad no matter how much hes hurt me i love him, he was mums hero. cause mum was totally disabled he did everything, made sure her hair and make up was perfect, she was beautiful. they called her smiler, and with all her problems she never moaned once. i live in mom and cant be sad no more. i coulnt ever of wanted a better mom. and dad ive stood by even with feeling guilty because of mum only being gone 3 months but thats life you have to carry on. i have to carry mums strenght and carry on. so guys hold your heads high and be proud of what you had not what youve lost

[Guest Guest]

Chelle, I was astounded by your story, since it's so similar to my own. I'm now a 33 yr. old woman (my parents gave me a boy's name, but that's ok ;-) - mom mom died totally unexpectedly when I was 2 months old, she having been only 20 at the time, and now my dad, who was only 56, passed away from a completely unexpected heart attack four months ago. he had just been to his doctor, was in seemingly perfect health. anyways, i read that neither you nor your little sister has yet received any therapy and that you don't have insurance, either. well, you may want to check into hospice centers around your area. although hospice centers deal primarily in helping those who are dying through the transition, as well as in helping their loved ones through the grieving process, they are also a resource for ANYONE in the community who is grieving - and the best part is that most to all programs they offer are free. google "hospice" for your area and they can enroll you in group or individual therapy. it's never too late to start the process - i was never put in therapy, as a child, after my mom died, and i have to go back and do all that grief work now, on top of the loss of my father. but i'm doing it so that i'll be as healthy as i can be. you can have that opportunity too! best of luck - shane

[preciouspup3766]

My Mom passed away less than 2 months ago and I am so lost and full of pain. I wonder how I'll get through this pain. I know I'm in the very early stages and some people tell me that it will get more bearable in time. I can't imagine that it will ever get more bearable.

My Mom was my best friend, I could go to her with anything and she listened to me and offered me comfort, support and encouragement. She loved me unconditionally, the only person who ever has. Whenever I had hard times, I knew I had her to go to, to talk to, to cry to, to comfort me. And she always did. Now, I'm going through the hardest, most painful thing in my life and I can't go to the person who always comforted me - because she is the one I am grieving.

I am either feeling numb or overcome with sadness. I'm managing to go to work and do the minimal daily things, forcing myself to do other things now and then, but really, I look forward to nothing. I don't really wonder about how long it will take before this is a little less painful, what I wonder about is how I'll live with this completely lost feeling I have. How will I adjust to this feeling? My greatest emotional security is gone and I feel like I'm lost at sea trying not to drown.

I tell myself I should not feel so lost, I'm not a child, but rather a middle aged woman, but I was emotionally very close to my Mom. I felt great security knowing that she was there for me and that no matter what life brought me, I was loved unconditionally and accepted just for who I was by one person - my Mom. And now she is gone.

Yes, I am very fortunate to have family and friends who love me and care for me, and I know my family members are going through the same painful grief and I try to be supportive of them but it almost seems to me anyway (and I'm not thinking very clearly yet) that they are managing much better than I am. They probably aren't. I don't want to come off as disrespectful to those who care about me, but of course, all I want is comfort from my Mom.

I used to work as a counsellor in my past career and a small part of that was grief work with my clients. I'm reading books on grief and mourning, and I am "embracing" my grief - as in, I'm not running from it or trying to self-medicate with substances or other negative behaviours. I know it's a matter of adjusting to the loss and learning to have a "new" life without her physically here. I know we all grieve in our own way and in our own time. But, nothing prepares you for such loss and your own grief!! The process is so very hard, I know you all know this. I know we're all here because of our loss and I pray that we all find a way to go through this and come to a more comfortable place at some time.

[Guest Guest]

I am soo sorry to hear of you're mom passing...I too am having a lot of trouble dealing with my mom's death which occured July 14th after a brief battle with cancer. She went into the hospital thinking she had only pneumonia and after several weeks in 2 different hospitals they finally did a CT scan on her and found that she had stage 4 cancer which had spread into her lymph nodes and liver and had begun to shut down her kidneys. My family went from thinking she only had pneumonia and then them telling us she was dying was like a bomb falling down on the family. She nor anyone knew she even had it which is unbelievable. My mom was 74 when she died last weekend and she had 7 children...married 50 years...broke her hip last year and healed right up from that and then going through several stages of cancer in pain without even knowing she had cancer...WOW she is the strongest person I have ever known and her strength will help this family get through this. She died 5 days ago and was buried 2 days ago...This ALL happend soo fast and I have already went through some emotions prior to her death but i'm sure when this all sinks in..it will all hit me like a ton of bricks. I am just hoping that the grief comes soon so I can get this out..I feel mad..confused..angry and sad and I really feel bitter that none of her doctors knew of this illness so that maybe we could have helped her in the early stages of the cancer...hell she might have lived. My family just feels like she was ripped from our lives for no reason but I can take some comfort in knowing she was a good christian woman and I now know she is in heaven looking down on me and continuing to guide me through this everchanging world we live in. She was soo special to me but unfortunately you never realize it until they're gone. If anyone has any ideas on how to cope with all these different emotions please let me know...I am going crazy in my mind and I really dont know what to feel except that I feel the pain of losing my mom.

[jdenise4]

Hi Guest, I have only put out 2 messages on this board because, everyone said it all. We are all in the same boat. My mother was also diagnosed wrong!! same as your mom. It ended up she had stage 4 Lung cancer and lived 2 months after.

No one would have guessed she had lung Cancer that spread everywhere. She was out shopping 2 months before her death, which was April of 2006. I'm still angry!!

But what can you do? I feel very bad for you!!! These were tough ladies! The doctors should have caught this, with all the up to date equipment. You have my very deepest sympathy. (my spelling is terrible) I can't help you but I sure know your pain. They have some some very nice people on these boards that understand. Your road will be long but, after time you will realize, your mom wouldn't want you to suffer like this. Take it a day at a time.

Denise

[minnababy]

my mum died on 3rd july && i just feel so empty. i know it sounds stupid, but even though almost 3 weeks have passed, i'm still finding it really hard to believe that she's gone. although she had been really ill, no-one expected her to die so suddenly - she had seemed okay the day before, i was looking after her at home, && she was talking about things that i needed to do the next day etc, then the next morning when i went into her room, she was breathing terribly, her lips were blue && she was kicking her arms around && stuff, me && my brother were so scared (i'm 19, he's 17) we called a friend && they called an ambulance, the ambulance men wouldn't let us go in the ambulance with our mum, so her friend took us to the hospital && when we got there they told us she had died in the ambulance, i never even got to say goodbye, i honestly thought i'd see her again at the hospital. the only thing i can keep remembering is that while i was trying to keep the oxygen mask on ehr face at home because she was moving around so much, she squeezed my hand, she knew i was there but that's the only comfort i have, i didn't even get to tell her how much i loved her. i can't get the images out of myhead of how she looked that morning. it wasn't meant to happen like that, she wanted to be in hospice when she died so that our hosue wouldn't have bad memories, now whenver i go into her room i get goosebumps and a weird cold tingling in my neck. at first i cried loads, but after that i've found it hard to even cry, i feel so guilty. deep down i know she's gone, but it's like my head won't let me believe it or think about it, i thought it'd hit me at the funeral && at the time it did, i cried so much, but i couldn't believe it was my mummy inside that box, but now i feel like she's gone away for a bit && is going to come back && it makes me feel so guilty, i just miss her so much, even though i've got my brother & friends & boyfriend & all his family to support me, i have never felt so alone, there are so many things i want to talk to her about, and it feels like most people think i should be feeling a bit better by now, but to be honest, i don't think it's even hit me properly yet, i just can't believe my mum is gone, i miss her so much, and don't know how i'm going to live the rest of my life without her, my 20th birthday was 2 days ago && it just felt so weird her not being her, not getting a card from her, i hated it. the house feels so empty. sometimes i feel so angry that i've lost out on the rest of my life with my mum, i just don't see any point in anything any more, i jsut feel like i'm doing things-sortting things out etc without even thinking and just because i have to. my mum was so brave, she had been so independant before her illness and i hate to see how IPF stole that from her, and so at least she isn't suffering anymore, but what hurts so much is that she died so unexpectedly all alone in an ambulance, i wish i could have been there i feel so guilty and i just miss her so much. i'd do anything to talk to her again. and why do i feel like this isn't real - i want it to feel real so i can be upset etc but i just feel stuck.

[nurse08]

I dont know if I am feeling that what I am feeling is normal. I have gone through so many emotions,sadness, anger, disbelief in what happened and then a disbelief in God, and denial.Today I am really angry and I am angry at my mom. Yes, you probaly think I am an evil person, but I am really pissed off at her. You want to know what I am mad about. I am mad that she didn't feel the need to leave me a damn thing. I have some worthless pieces of furniture that I now plan to sell because I need money for school. She left my grandmother the beneficiary on her life insurance and 401 K so she is getting 100,000. How nice for her. I am sitting here without hot water- my water heater broke. I have shingles missing from my roof and my dryer broke so I have been hanging my clothes to dry. I need $240.00 by August 17th to pay for my classes so I can continue with nursing school. My kids need shoes and clothes for school. My mom left me nothing and the witch that got all the money is not going to give me a dime, not even a penny. She is moving next week and she needs help putting things away and she can't even drive and she needs help going to the doctor and she expects me to do it for her. If her oxygen runs out and she is dying on the floor, I am not going to help her. She should call 911 because I don't flipping care. I know my mom would expect her to help me. I found some papers saying that I was the beneficiary on the policies but for some reason my mom changed it and I don't know why. My parents never really helped me so I don't know why I expect her to help me now that she is dead. My sister is the administrator of the estate and I think that is pretty funny considering she and my mom had not spoken in 5 years. She is closer to the asshole that screwed my mother in the divorce. I guess I am mad at her too. There is some money that is being left to the estate but my sister has control over it and I don't know why I feel I should not be able to ask her if we can split the money. I think she wants to use it to pay the house note until it sells. That is fine if she wants to use her half of the money to pay the house, but I should have some say in what happens with my half. My mom wanted me to have the house, but I can't afford the house note and I didn't even get an option in what I wanted to do with the house. If I lived there, I would be able to get my oldest son away from some bad influences, but I guess that won't happen now. And I would just like to say here because I have the chance, that my LOUSY FATHER is a son-of-a-bitch. He could care less that I have no hot water. He has not even called me to see if we are ok so he can kiss my ass. I am not even sure that I want to have a relationship with my sister anymore because I think my family are pretty pathetic. While I am over here with no dryer and no money to pay for school, she is installing tile outside around her barbecue area and she has a nice, large pool, a boat, four-wheelers, etc... I guess I made some bad decisions in my life and that is why I have struggled but when I finish school things will be easier. I am really pissed off at my mom and the world and I think my family sucks. I want to cut everyone out of my life.

[Guest Guest]

Well, folks, I am here in Kiev, and just sent away my boyfriend of nearly 2 years. How is this related? I was lying in bed thinking, "I wish I had my Mom!" Of course, I might have been too embarrassed to reveal the details or even the major facts to my Mom, as we were close about everything but sex and relationship discussions, but just to call her and say hi would be nice. So anyway, it's about 3 am here, and I Googled "when to lose the boyfriend" and this site came up.

For me, it has been an extraordinary 5 years. In 2002 my stepdad, who was more of a father than I will ever know, died. Shortly after, right after I joined the Peace Corps and went overseas, my Mom died. Boy, how traumatic that was. I should mention my beloved cat of 14 years died just before my stepdad. Then, last summer, my new beloved cat of 3 years died of some kind of poisoning while in someone else's care when I went to visit my Dad, who was terminally ill with cancer. Then last fall he died. He left his wife everything ($2.5 mil+FL beach home), but did leave all the kids a little something ($10K). I'm not angry because we weren't that close and she has health problems, plus I was shocked to receive anything. Then in May, my cat of 10 years had to be euthanized because she had a rapidly growing tumor that was like the size of a football (from avocado-sized in February). Yes, I waited too long to do it, but I really hoped she would go naturally. PS I now have one cat who has been with me 4 years.

So, I don't really have any advice, and to be honest, I haven't read all the posts on this page, but I just thought I'd share my story and say I know how you all must feel. BTW, both my parents and my last cat died of cancer, although in the end it was emphysema that got my mom.

Take care, everyone. You are most certainly not alone. Later I'll do a post about the "dream communication agreement" I made with my mom and how it really happened.

My sincere condolences.

In sympathy,

Patty in Kiev

[minnababy]

i just want to die, there is no point anymore. i miss my mum so much, i don't want to live without her. i just want to talk to her again, i can't remember anything, and i feel so guilty and alone and scared and i just want my mummy back, it's so unfiar why did she have to die, i love her SO MUCH i just want her to come back, no-one understands, everyone thinks i should be okay now, it's been 3 weeks but to me no time has passed, the pain inside is worse than it was at the start, why did i have to lose my mum, she wasn't old enough to die, i wasn't old enough to lose her, it's not fair. it's like my life stopped 3 weeks ago, since then i've just been living because i have to, i miss her so much

[kievpatty]

Dear minnababy...it's gonna be ok. Even the strongest feelings of misery will slowly ease over time. I know, because I wrote the post below yours. I want my mom back too. But think of this: would Mom want you to be miserable or happy right now? Mom always wants her kids to be happy, and when she sees them sad, she is sad too. It is respectful and good to cry because you loved her so much. She did everything for you. Now gather your strength and conquer the world, because that's what she raised you to do. I am crying now as I write this, because even after 4 years, hearing a story like yours makes me miss my mom more. But you've gotta do it...you've gotta live. That's what mom would want. Maybe if you're lucky, she will come to you in dreams, as my mom sometimes does. She did it a lot just after she died, but not so much now. Even if it was just my imagination, it brought me comfort, although sometimes I woke up confused because I had just talked with her, and woke up to realize she was no longer alive. This is something I cannot explain.

[jasmin]

This is my second letter here. I am a widow in my 50's and have been a widow since I was 35. In the past 7 years I have lost my dad..my mom..my best friend..my sister..my brother and my brotherinlaw. Im not asking for pity..I know none of us are that write letters here but I pray for understanding to aid me in my grief. It seems that I didnt even have time to grieve for my dad when my mom died..then one after the other I lost those that I love. I havent been able to grieve because I am all consumed in my grief and I dont even know where to start. I am an educated woman and I feel so stupid that I cant deal with all of this on my own. I ask that anyone reading this who has begun to come to grips with their loss please email me and give me some feedback. Thank you all and God Bless.

[jjcyjc]

Hi Everybody,

I am a graduate student at City University of New York conducting an independent research study to explore how parental death is experienced by children.

The reason why I conduct this reserch study is to help my little niece who is now only 6 years old. She lost her mother last year due to an accident. And now I am her only family.

Your honest and sincere participation will be a great help for me to better understand my niece.

ANY person who lost his or her parent before the age of 18 is invited to participate.

ALL participants must be 18 or over.

If you are interested, please copy and paste the following address.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=Wd28uFqgZceDPXR9kk6r5Q_3d_3d\

[jackiewitter]

jasmin, Hey there. My deepest sympathies that you have found your way to this site. This is not exactly a site that somone just stumbles upon right... I too have lost three family members in 5 years and it has been the most gut wrenching experience of my life. First my mother, then my father and Aug 3rd of last year, my little brother. You are very right, it's so hard to catch your breath when they keep stacking on top of each other. The loss of my brother brought on new feelings of my parents, anger at my Mom for not taking better care of herself, joy that my father was with my momand devastating pain that my little brother, the one who helped my grieve my parents, was yanked from me so quickly and without warning. There's no real advise to give on how to grieve, where to start. If I were to try and give anyone advise beside the most obvious (cling to your faith) it would be to expect the unexpected and to allow yourself to feel those emotions. Don't try to bottle them and don't let anyone tell you that you should be past this, or that you are not grieving appropriately. There's no time line, there's no order to the way your emotions swing. It's so odd because I always thought there was an order...like sorrow, anger, acceptance. That's so not true! While deliriously happy has not been in my vocabulary in long time, I think I have covered just about all the emotions. I encourage you to communicate with other's that have experienced recent loss. Knowing that there is someone who understands and is also experiencing the many facets of grieving helps keep your sanity. This website too is very powerful. There are are wonderful people here of different faiths and backgrounds, but we all share one thing, tremendous loss and sorrow. Please feel free to contact me if you would like. I will keep you in my prayers. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[umbra4]

Jasmin, I read your post and I so hope you can find peace. Having lost my my mother almost a year ago, I have experienced pain that I couldn\'t have imagined before she died. I\'m an unlikely one to be giving advice, so I\'ll just share one thing that has saved me from going all the way over the edge: I\'ve tried to allow my mother\'s strength, humor and love to live through me. My Mom lived through many losses in her life, and weathered some rough times. I regret that I didn\'t talk to her more about how she coped, but she surely charged on. She thrived when she had friends around, encouraged me to not be \"in a rut\", and to go meet new people, do new things. I have come out of my shell a little, but have a lot of work to do. I\'m encouraged, if only to get out of bed some days, by the way she lead her life. I hope you can find bits and bursts of strength from the lives of your loved ones who have passed on.

[jasmin]

I want to thank all who have written here and/or emailed me to help me thru my time of loss and sorrow. Truly this website gives each of us the strength that we search for to cushion us at a time when we need it the most. It is sad that we all have to go thru what we do in this life..The old saying goes that what doesnt kill us makes us stronger. I'm certain that thats true and yet sometimes I find myself wondering how much are we to bear before we finally find that one thing that kills us because we can no longer cope..scarey thought indeed. Again thank you all and May God give each of us the strength we need to go on...one day at a time. Please feel free to email me.

[belindacharlette]

Jasmin,

My mom has been gone for ten years now, and I didn't see her in five years until her death bed. I was only seventeen, since then I have lost my other mother, otherwise known as my grandmother, that was three years ago. I am still struggling to look at photos and smell certain things, and often being in some places will bring on a flood. The good thing in all this is, with my mother's there were issues that I didn't and couldn't fully understand till now, and even move on from. Time does not ease pain however sometimes it makes the memories sweeter. You are an encouragement and if you allow Him God will bring clarity, and most of all love to you. I apologize if my writing this has offended you as that is not my intention at all.

[jasmin]

Jasmin,

My mom has been gone for ten years now, and I didn't see her in five years until her death bed. I was only seventeen, since then I have lost my other mother, otherwise known as my grandmother, that was three years ago. I am still struggling to look at photos and smell certain things, and often being in some places will bring on a flood. The good thing in all this is, with my mother's there were issues that I didn't and couldn't fully understand till now, and even move on from. Time does not ease pain however sometimes it makes the memories sweeter. You are an encouragement and if you allow Him God will bring clarity, and most of all love to you. I apologize if my writing this has offended you as that is not my intention at all.

[jasmin]

Belindacharlette....I was not offended at all by your wonderful reply. I truly understand your pain. I realize that its a hard journey that we all must walk losing our parents and grandparents and siblings though Im sure now that the Lord walks this path with us if we reach out and ask HIM. Nothing eases the pain yet time can make us more aware of how much we loved and were loved in our lifetime by each one who touched our hearts so deeply. I will forever mourn my loss's..each one of them in different ways but nonetheless painfully I will go on thru the rest of my days with the sweet memories of each smile..each laugh..each hug and kiss and thank God that I had the opportunity to be loved by that special person and pray that I will gain strength to go on and oneday be that special memory for others in my life as I cross over to join those who went before me. Thankyou for your sweet letter. GOD BLESS

[eulaha]

I have found that remembering the good times helps me to deal with my mother's death. I remember her love for motown oldies, her love of candy (especially jelly beans!), her love of family and friends, and her beautiful smile. I miss that woman so much! But, when I think of her, it makes me smile, because I know that somewhere, she is smiling back at me.

[belindacharlette]

I have had a very strained relationship with my father as I did not understand him at all until now. You see my father and mother met in a psych. patient drop in center and around the time of my grandmother's death I discovered from a physician that my father has organic brain-damage, which has since opened a lot of doors for me in understanding how to respond to him with things like boundaries.... The reason I mention this is since I have persued getting to know my mom for who she was and our similarities i have found my father to be an excellent resource as he knew her best. This helps me to know her more and in turn it helps me to know myself m=better by talking to those who best knew her. I miss her but am grateful and strive to try and be like her. For me as morbid as it sounds her death was also a beautiful thing for many reasons. Does anyone else feel that as sad it is and as much as you miss your parent their death has come to be a beautiful thing?

[jasmin]

A Beautiful thing....I guess it was in a way. My mother suffered a stroke in 1999 which caused her to be thrown instantly into Dementia. Her short term memory loss was major and I had moved in with my parents to help my mom take care of my aging Dad who at that time was 92...my mom was 81. Now I found I had to care for both of them 24/7. Thank God I had nursing exp. to guide me. In 2000 when my Dad died just before his 93rd birthday my mom sat in a chair by his grave at the funeral and had no idea that it was her Beloved of 65 years of marriage that was in that urn. As time passed the Dementia turned into Altzheimers which meant she now was losing her Long term memory as well as the short term memory. She forgot who I was. I was her baby..her last born of five and she didnt have a clue who I was. A few months later she suffered a major stroke. As she lay in the hospital..partially paralyzed by the stroke and hardly able to speak my sister and brother..who are both now in Heaven with mama and daddy..sat looking into her beautiful green eyes. The next day was the day before Easter and that day she seemed better. Calm before the storm. That night the phone rang at midnight and my sister was crying and said "Mama's gone"..she and I went to the hospital to say our final goodbyes and as I gazed at my 84 yr old mothers sweet face I was amazed that she had no wrinkles any longer. Her little face that had been etched by time was smoothe and she was smiling. She looked like an Angel lying there..now so silent. I prefer to believe that Daddy came for her that night and took her home with him and thats why she was smiling..she had found her Beloved once again. So..yes I guess her death was beautiful. thanks for the memories.

[jasmin]

I forgot to mention......the day she died and we were at the hospital with her..I knelt down and kissed her sweet wrinkled little face and I said "Mama..I Love You"..and as I hugged her she said in an almost normal voice" I Love You too Sandy"....OMG..she had remembered me and I cried. God had brought her back to me for a brief moment before He took her home to be with HIM...I was and I remain totally thankful for that sweet moment.

[belindacharlette]

Jasmin,

Three and a half years ago my grandmother passed away. however God gave me a gift as I was in the middle of a college semester and was prompted to fly down and see her. She raised me. God is good because that was the last time i saw her alive. When I arrived that day my aunt and uncle were suprised to see me and had just been called in by the hospital staff. I flew from alberta to BC that morning after arranging the soonest flight out being sponsored by someone. my uncle told me not to go near her as he wanted her dead (there were a lot of crazy things going on between him and other family members, SEVERE manipulation and control issues.) When I walked into her room I defied his wishes, I sat next to her bed, held her hand and said "Nanny it's me, belinda".

She was in a very comatouse state at this time. As soon as she heard my name and voice she woke up, and with the nurse, my aunt and uncle present and a dear friend, she got excited and started trying to speak right away, saying it was her girl, her Belinda. I am POSITIVE my uncle was furious with me. I was with her for two weeks, and my uncle made sure hospital staff enforced visiting hours with me even though she was dying. Two weeks after I left she was transfered to the pallative unit against my wishes, and I was not able to see her alive again. my intention had been to go back to Alberta to put school in order then head back to Vancouver for the neccessary time until her passing. However this was all taken away from me, and i was not allowed to see her body either, because of the tumour which ended up consuming her face. I am amazed that all these memories were brought back. I am grateful that even though things weren't done right I got the chance to say good-bye and tell her it was okay to go home and see my mom and grandpa. As hard as it is the opportunity to say 'good bye' is a very precious gift from God. I can't imagine what it would have been like to not have those two weeks with her.

[jasmin]

Belindacharlette...

Thanks again for sharing your memories with me. I am so glad that you got to see her and spend treausred moments with her before she passed and I know she treasured those moments also. GOD BLESS YOU.

[wishing]

i just want to die, there is no point anymore. i miss my mum so much, i don't want to live without her. i just want to talk to her again, i can't remember anything, and i feel so guilty and alone and scared and i just want my mummy back, it's so unfiar why did she have to die, i love her SO MUCH i just want her to come back, no-one understands, everyone thinks i should be okay now, it's been 3 weeks but to me no time has passed, the pain inside is worse than it was at the start, why did i have to lose my mum, she wasn't old enough to die, i wasn't old enough to lose her, it's not fair. it's like my life stopped 3 weeks ago, since then i've just been living because i have to, i miss her so much

Dear Minnababy,

My heart truly goes out to you and your brother, I am very sorry for the loss of your dear mother.

Whoever told you that they thought you would be OK by now, has obviously never suffered a loss. I do understand how you are feeling, I lost my dear mum in June, 2006, and I still at times can't believe my mum isn't here

You are in the raw stages of grief, you are still in shock. I do feel for you, you are right though, your mum was too young to die, unfortunately we don't have any control over this. I too felt the same as you when my mum first passed on, it felt like the end of the world for me and didn't know how I could live without her. I believe God has given us all the strength and courage we need to go through the very difficult times.

Your emotions will be all over the place in no set order. I'm glad you have found support here, I hope it helps you. Your mum is still loving you now, and I am sure she is right there beside you, I know this isn't the same as having her in the physical sense.

I have started journalling, and sometimes I write to mum. I found this good for getting out my emotions and believe me, mum also hears me.

You too, can talk to your mum, you can even tell her how much you are hurting and you need her help, she will help you.

Your mum wants you to be happy, but of coarse you need to grieve first, this is a very slow process, so don't allow anyone to tell you that you should be over it. We never get over our losses, we only adjust to a new way of living.

I would really like to try and help you through this rocky time in your life.

I will keep an eye out for your postings.

Take care and I will pray that you find strength, courage and inner peace.

Love Rita

[nurse08]

Because of all the things that have happened after my mother has died such as financial matters, I made some adjustments to my policies at work and made sure that my children are well taken care of and that they will not be burdened with any debt. My mom did not have a will and we had to hire an attorney to open up an estate so we could pay my mom's debts and protect her interests. Of course that pissed my grandmother off. She wanted to be the administrator of the estate, but I told her, once my mom married my dad and had children, her children and her husband became her main family and reponsibility and since her and my father divorced,me and my sister are the only heirs and the only ones who can be administrators of the estate. She doesn't like that. When we filed wrongful death, that made her even more angry. I know she wants all the money that she can get which is why she feels very much entitled to the 100,000 dollars she got, but she wants more and she has mailed me and my sister utility bills that were in my mom's name that she was responsible for because she lived in the house. We are not going to pay them; we sent them back to her telling her she had to pay them. She has alot of money and she is pretending she is destitute and broke. She is always saying she has to spend so much money on medication; it's her fault that she is sick. She was stupid enough to smoke for over 50 years, even after her lung collapsed. Why should we worry about her medical expenses that were brought on by herself. My poor mother would have been the one paying those expenses if she was here and I think that is sooo morally wrong to expect your children to take care of you because you did not take care of yourself. I will never put that burden on my children. I want them to live a full and carefree life and never feel that they are responsible for me. Its my job to care for them, not the other way around. I dont feel sorry for my grandmother that she has trouble breathing; that is what happens when you inhale smoke in your lungs for over 50 years! She probaly thought that my mom was going to be around forever to take care of her-how SELFISH. She is still selfish; she is a diabetic as well, quit taking her insulin w/o telling her doctor, eats badly, and even asked for a cigarette when she was stressed. Grow Up!!! She can't walk to the mailbox to check her mail, she wants me to drive 40 miles to do so, yeah right, with gas nearly $3 a gallon. In a way, I really feel my mom has peace now that she is gone because she doesn't have to wait on her hand and foot. She was killing my mother. My mom was totally exhausted from taking care of her. She would work all day at a hospital in the OR department and then come home and have to cook and clean and help my grandmother take a bath. Guess who is doing all the work now? My grandmother because she has to. She used my mother; she treated her like a maid and I hate her for that. She wouldn't even let my mom have her cats in the house, well I have the cats now and they are inside and they are safe and they are getting love and attention now, so mom don't worry. The underinsured motor vehicle insurance has been paid from my mom's policy and the other driver that caused the wreck and the truck company will be paying as well and guess what GRANDMA-you will not be getting that money. Her kids and her grandkids will, where it should be going.

[missustoad]

Have you made sure to take your mother's name off all the utility bills and told the company that she is deceased? You also need to consult with an attorney at least once to make sure you and your family are safe. Be sure they tell you how to "say" things on paper. I know what you mean. I have been through similar pains.

Melody

Because of all the things that have happened after my mother has died such as financial matters, I made some adjustments to my policies at work and made sure that my children are well taken care of and that they will not be burdened with any debt. My mom did not have a will and we had to hire an attorney to open up an estate so we could pay my mom's debts and protect her interests. Of course that pissed my grandmother off. She wanted to be the administrator of the estate, but I told her, once my mom married my dad and had children, her children and her husband became her main family and reponsibility and since her and my father divorced,me and my sister are the only heirs and the only ones who can be administrators of the estate. She doesn't like that. When we filed wrongful death, that made her even more angry. I know she wants all the money that she can get which is why she feels very much entitled to the 100,000 dollars she got, but she wants more and she has mailed me and my sister utility bills that were in my mom's name that she was responsible for because she lived in the house. We are not going to pay them; we sent them back to her telling her she had to pay them. She has alot of money and she is pretending she is destitute and broke. She is always saying she has to spend so much money on medication; it's her fault that she is sick. She was stupid enough to smoke for over 50 years, even after her lung collapsed. Why should we worry about her medical expenses that were brought on by herself. My poor mother would have been the one paying those expenses if she was here and I think that is sooo morally wrong to expect your children to take care of you because you did not take care of yourself. I will never put that burden on my children. I want them to live a full and carefree life and never feel that they are responsible for me. Its my job to care for them, not the other way around. I dont feel sorry for my grandmother that she has trouble breathing; that is what happens when you inhale smoke in your lungs for over 50 years! She probaly thought that my mom was going to be around forever to take care of her-how SELFISH. She is still selfish; she is a diabetic as well, quit taking her insulin w/o telling her doctor, eats badly, and even asked for a cigarette when she was stressed. Grow Up!!! She can't walk to the mailbox to check her mail, she wants me to drive 40 miles to do so, yeah right, with gas nearly $3 a gallon. In a way, I really feel my mom has peace now that she is gone because she doesn't have to wait on her hand and foot. She was killing my mother. My mom was totally exhausted from taking care of her. She would work all day at a hospital in the OR department and then come home and have to cook and clean and help my grandmother take a bath. Guess who is doing all the work now? My grandmother because she has to. She used my mother; she treated her like a maid and I hate her for that. She wouldn't even let my mom have her cats in the house, well I have the cats now and they are inside and they are safe and they are getting love and attention now, so mom don't worry. The underinsured motor vehicle insurance has been paid from my mom's policy and the other driver that caused the wreck and the truck company will be paying as well and guess what GRANDMA-you will not be getting that money. Her kids and her grandkids will, where it should be going.

[pminsk]

I am in the unhappy position of having three major losses in 4 months and I can hardly believe it.

My father died mid April 2007 suddenly having had heart disease and a number of heart attacks in the last 15 years. It was a shock and I was on a flight home for regular visit but he died suddenly at home while I was mid air. Prior to this my mum found out she had a blocked an artery and she was going to need an urgent heart bypass. We pushed for her to be operated on thinking we didnt want to risk losing her too. The operation has a 95% success rate. I dont live in the same city so I was flying back and forth.It went well but she got an infection, was sedated and fought it for 7 days, recovered, was due to be released from hospital 10 days later but collapsed on the day of release, having had clotting in around the heart, She never recovered from this and was sedated the whole time so we never saw her conscious again. Unbelievably she died in early July. I had found out I was pregnant (had been trying for a year) during all this and last week (10 wks) I miscarried. I am functioning, can shop, cook, drive etc. But I am devastated. I was particularly close to my mum, I miss her badly, cant quite believe it has happened. The miscarriage has brought it all to the surface again, I think pregnancy hormones had been helpful in dealing with my mothers death. Now I am so sad and still in shock from amount of loss. Should I be medicated? Has anyone else lost parents so close togther or miscarried following a bereavement? Help