Loss of my mum

[catherine197]

My mum died suddenly seven weeks ago and I haven't reacted how I expected to.

My sister and I were talking and we both said it's almost like we're playing along with some joke - they've told us she's died but actually she's going to spring out from behind the door any minute - does that seem wierd? 

When I was younger I worked abroad and I sent a postcard to mum everyday, returning home I rang her everyday from work even when I lived with her.  Now i write in a journal but I can't bear to think of her never getting to read it.

I have not taken any time from work except for the funeral and I continue to visit the house just as I did when she was there.

I spend a lot of time at the cemetery leaving flowers and notes for her - but it's just a mound of earth and there is nothing there I can relate to

I must appear  heartless to everyone who knows me, almost acting as if nothing is different but I so much need to cry and I want to hurt - Did anyone else feel like this

[gracerose]

catherine, i'm sorry for your loss. i lost my mom just over a year ago and it's been a long year of grieving and loneliness. we all deal with our loss and pain in our own way - there is no right way, no wrong way - it is what it is. trust that when you need to cry, you will. there are times when i "remember" my mom is gone...like waking up in the morning and feeling happy, then it hits me, i remember she is gone...and i feel like i am in shock all over again and can't believe she is gone, even though i've had over a year of her being gone. grief is so very hard, don't worry about what others think, deal with it the way you have to. you and your sister are in my thoughts and prayers, take care.

[vyenna]

Dear Catherine,

Im sorry to hear abt ur mum. My mum passed away on the 3rd of Jan this year. I felt numb in the 1st few weeks, feeling like its not real. Now, reality's slowly sinking in and I feel the pain more, especially at night where I would cry myself to sleep.

Today marks 4 months and 25 days from her departure; my grief for her is still going strong. There have been good and bad days. Today is one of my "downs"; everything in the house and my room reminds me of my mum. The pain of missing her and wanting to hug her is so unbearable that I dont know what else to do except to pray to God to alleviate the pain and loss in my heart.

Catherine, I wish nobody else goes through the pain I felt, but everyone else will go through it at some point in their lives. It's not weird that you anticipate to see your mum popping up somewhere. I get that too when I went into her room or the kitchen. Right now, my eyes are watery thinking of my mum popping by my room to see what I'm doing...

Life will never be the same again; that's the hardest part to swallow. As for now, you have me and the others who've been through the same to share our grief.

What's important- you are not alone. You have us with you.

[peacegirl]

Catherine, it has been nine months for me, and I still don't feel the real impact of my loss.  I was very close to my mother, loved her dearly, and spent a lot of time with her.  Even though I have my own family, I took my girls with me and went to see her many times during the week after work.  Toward the end, I was there to help care for her, bring or prepare meals, etc.  It was heartbreaking to watch her die, and watching her suffer up until the end was just terrible.  The thing is, once she passed away, I have had sad moments, and times when I cry, but it's like the biggest, darkest days are ahead.  (And sometimes I catch a glimpse of the pain and its intensity, but it never breaks through all the way.)  My father passed away when I was still in my teens, so I know how terrible the loss is, yet I feel I'm being protected somehow from how bad it will be this time.  She was my best friend, the one I went to more than any other when I had a problem or needed advice, and now it's like her absence isn't real.  I, too, would go to her house after she was gone, even when the furniture was gone and there was nothing left but a couple of chairs, and just sit there and think about her.  That's when I would cry the most, just wishing she was there to talk to, but I still have so much grieving ahead of me.  I always read what everyone else has to say about what they are going through, and it is so comforting the way everyone is there for the others.  At the same time, I am able to get up out of bed every morning and get through my days okay, and I sometimes feel guilty that I haven't been hit with the most devastating pain yet.  I feel down and depressed, and I tend to self-medicate through some of the underlying anxiety (I was on medication early on for the anxiety, heart palpitations, chest pains, etc, that so many of us who grieve experience, but that has lessened substantially.)  I guess it's true what everyone says--grief is very personal, and can be very different, for everyone.  Some are able to actively grieve throughout the months and years, and others may be in a kind of suspended state that allows them to go on somewhat normally for periods of time.  Don't worry about how your loss is affecting you compared to anyone else.  I have learned that I just have to continue on and work through it when it hits.  (Her grave marker will be up soon, so I have a feeling that will be the catalyst for everything that's been building in me.  It's certainly making me feel anxious already.)  But I hope that everyone out there is getting through their personal journey the best they can, and that hopefully you have people that can help you in doing that.      

 

[Kat_Clayton]

I know exactly how you feel. My dad was away a lot and it feels like he just hasn't come home yet. When I was first told I smiled, like it was a joke. I figurede it must be. My dad dying was the last thing I thought was possible. Even as I type this now I feel far too normal. It's just ridiculous. I'm waiting for it to really hit me. I'm kind of scared about that.