Am I taking this wrong???Opinions please

[txlouise]

Hi guys,

I want to share something with you and get your opinion on it.

I came across this article and really feel like this women is mocking people that are grieving hard for their loss love ones.Now I know that I can be a little sensitive since i lost my daughter,but this is really bad.I am going to give you the link to her article,then i will post what i e-mailed her.I want to know what you guys think? Love,Louise

http://www.torontosun.com/News/Columnists/...5646761-sun.php

Here is my e-mail to her and if you feel like I do write her and tell her this is unacceptable

[align=center]Well now I have heard everything.Mocking people that are grieving?You obviously have never grieved hard for someone close and you know what?

I hope you never do because it is so hard and life changing .Here is something another grieving mom and I wrote about 6 months after our beloved children died.The reason it sounds angry is because we had just lost our children 6 months ago and some well meaning people told us to get over it.My daughter was 23 my friends son was 22

and we were told to get over it in 6 months!!!!!

I hope you read this with an open mind and really try to put yourself in the position of a grieving parent

It might gain you some much needed insight.

Thank you

Louise [/align]

I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world, that your beloved child died.. let me explain to you the reality...try to imagine, if you can, never seeing your child again, never hearing her laugh, never hearing the sound of their voice, never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child.. never hearing them say "I love you"...nothing - just silence, emptiness.. now imagine never seeing your child's smile, never seeing her upset or happy, never watching her sleep...missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7, you smell their pillow, their clothes, you look at her pictures and can only cry - what happened, why!?.. you have never felt longing like this in your life! longing to hear her voice, to see her face again,...and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix it. now imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. every thing you loved now hurts like heck...

For example: music, i used to love music, it gave me pleasure, i didn't realize how much music was a part of my life and how it is everywhere, now I cannot listen to it, it sears me like a red hot knife with the pain of losing my child, it cuts me wide open.. like the old song, the day the music died, that's me, and believe it or not, almost every song reminds me of the void in my life without my child, i am not unique in that pain - if you lost a child you would know. .that is just one little example of how your life is affected by the loss of your child. Just ONE example! you feel the loss with every thought, every emotion, The loss bleeds into every aspect of your life. even with your other children, you still love your other children just as much as always, but as hard as it is, even they hurt you now, because when you see them you feel the LOSS, the loss of the child that died not being with their siblings. it doesn't fit, there is a piece missing, your whole life doesn't fit anymore. everything that felt right, now feels wrong. and of course there is always the missing, the horrible gut wrenching, out of your control missing...

as good parents we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children.. this we cannot fix, cannot make it better. so on top of everything else you are feeling, you also feel helpless..out of control and hopeless...and this is universal, every parent that truly their child will feel this. are you starting to imagine now how it feels? and you are doing this exercise for 10 minutes, imagine, really imagine, feeling this way 24/7 - day after day, month after month, and no matter what you are doing or who you are talking to, a tape of your child plays over and over in your mind. your child when she was a baby, a laughing happy little girl, a cute young teen, a wonderful young man or women and it always plays in your head and you do not want to forget even a single second of your beautiful child's life...but that is a fear you have, that as time passes you will start to forget...so now, add FEAR to the list of emotions. this is what it really feels like. a part of you has died, don't just read the words, FEEL them - died, gone forever... a real, beautiful, living part of you has died... and you are still living, left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin. No wonder a high percentage of marriages break up, parents have breakdowns, turn to alcohol, drugs or a destructive way of life. NO WONDER!!!!!

A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as heck.. that is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss.. you cannot compare it to another loss, with other losses you grieve and you are of course sad, but when your child dies, a part of you ceases to exist, gone just like that, gone no warning, just gone. And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that makes up who you are - are Gone!!!That is why when parents who have lost children hear "I want the old you back", "it's been a year (a month, 6 month-whatever), don't you feel better yet?" "You are doing this to yourself, you're making it harder on yourself", "grief can become a selfish thing you know", we can only shake our heads and feel sadness and hopelessness, because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive. No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves, we are just trying to hold on. So were you able to imagine for 10 minutes what it must feel like? even 2 minutes is too long to imagine the unimaginable, to feel the pain, i would not wish it any anyone, but did you get a sense of how life-changing it is?

imagine you feel this 24/7, not even getting a moments relief from it! now go on and put on your favorite CD to listen to, enjoy the music..go home and hug your child, listen to them laugh, watch her smile, smell the scent that you know is them and do not tell me how I should feel or that i am holding onto this, or that my friends/family must be tired of watching me go through this, because if you haven't lost a beloved child of yours, you haven't got a clue. Now when you hear these words "the presence of his absence is everywhere", will you finally understand?

written by Louise and Diana

[4everjoeysmom]

By the looks of the photo next to her article, she looks to be about 60-ish.  Perhaps she is lost in the generation of "supressed grief" as a norm, and we all know the outcomes for those that stuff away their grief--years later many of them have serious complicated and delayed grief issues.  Obviously there is an ignorance to this woman... and just like most of the media motives these days, controversy sells!  What a joke!  And the bad part of it is we get sucked into it.  I am so sad for those that will read this and obviously be genuinely hurt and disturned by this woman's ridiculous insensitivity.  She is just one more example of how depraved human beings can be.  I'll pray for her.  I hope she never has to truly wake up to the real pain of loss in her all-about-herself world....  more than I am sad for me, I am sad for people like her....  pitiful and clueless!!

[txlouise]

Thanks for replying 4everjoeysmom's.

you are so right about this women.She is pitiful and clueless

But I have to say I was deeply hurt when i read her article  and have posted it on a few sites I go to in hopes that people will let her know what she wrote is unacceptable.

Thank you for your support and your son is beautiful.

Love,Louise[keren's mom]

[4everjoeysmom]

Louise, Thank you.  Keren also is absolutely beautiful!  I am sorry for your loss.

I wrote a letter to the paper's editor.  They truly should be ashamed to allow something that is not for the good of building up the community--and grieving people ARE A COMMUNITY.  The bottom line, I suppose, unfortunately, is the quality of the paper and Ms. Woodcock leave a lot to be desired.  If I lived there and subscribed to that paper, I would have cancelled immediately...  I'm sorry you were hurt by this woman's insensitivity, and I am sad for the many more who will be as well.  That was my point in writing to the editor.  It's a real shame...

Blessings,  Claudia

[txlouise]

[align=center]Thank you for your kind words Claudia.[/align]

[align=center]Well the writer is getting a lot of e-mails.[/align]

[align=center]My hope is that she will issue an apology.[/align]

[align=center]Love,Louise[keren's mom][/align]

[wyomingsal]

Here is a copy of the letter I sent to the editor. 

Dear Editor,

Connie Woodrock recently wrote an artical berating public grieving.  She said it was creepy.  She had no idea why people would waste their time standing out in the rain at the accident site where 3 beautiful young girls were killed. I was astounded at her callous disregard for the level of pain and hurt associated with losing a child not just for the family but for the entire community.  Public grieving after a tragic loss is a beautiful way of remembering and honoring the people who have died.  The death of three precious girls is an event that effects all the people who have know them or know of them.  Their school-mates have been thrust into the reality that death is real and can happen...even possibly to them.  The friends and family must struggle with the sudden absence of someone who was an integral part of their daily life.  The community struggles with the reality that bad things happen and could happen again to anyone.  Every one must come to terms with this tragic loss.  To stand at the memorial and show  honor and respect allows people to do something.  To work out their feelings.  It shows the family love and support.  The actions of grieving help to work out all the swirling thoughts and emotions.  Are we to hide the tragedy from our children in hopes that they will never know the pain of loss?   Or are we to lovingly guide them through the loss and pain and help them see how to reach out and help others in times of need.  I lost my oldest son in a swimming accident and to see the support and love of the community was a blessing.  To know people cared...how wonderful.  For my living children to see that people care about us and our family and will support us in this difficult time was amazing.  Bravo for each person who took the time to stand out in the rain at the memorial for those three beautiful young ladys gone to soon from this earth

 

Sally Heyer. 

[txlouise]

[align=center]{{{{{SALLY}}}}}}[/align]

[align=center]You wrote a very beautiful letter.[/align]

[align=center]Thank you [/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Love you[/align]

[align=center]Louise[keren's mom][/align]

[ericasmom]

Dear Louise,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Girl. What a terrible heartache, I know, my Girl left here in July of 2003. She was hit by an Amtrak at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan at the age of 19. We are headed for the 5th anniversary adn really, time has not made sense since that night. Abstract.

Anyhow, I was moved by your interaction with the newspaper and I wrote the editors as well. I think that this woman who is hired to communicate with people should find other work...obviously not able to communicate well with a huge community of folks, as Claudia has stated, we are a community.  Thanks for sharing your concerns here, and my heart to you as you travel this road filled with unexpected bumps, but also with fabulous people with golden hearts.

Your girl is gorgeous, smiling on you I am sure.

Dee

[caitsmom]

Here is my letter to Connie and her editor. No parent should have to read such hurtful comments. In their memory.

caitsmom

Dear Connie,

I'm disappointed in your uninformed op-ed about public grief. I am a bereaved mother and before my child died, I may have understood how some subscribe to the callous Western perception that those who have lost a loved one should do this privately, should keep their "creepy" and "maudlin" expressions of grief to themselves. I can guarantee you that the small amount of discomfort you may feel in witnessing such honest and loving expressions of grief are miniscule in comparison to the sorrow and pain the bereaved feel each day of their lives.

I will make the assumption that you have not experienced the death of a child of your own. You may have lost another loved one, but if you had done your homework you would have understood that the loss of child is automatically considered complicated grief in the profession. It's unfortunate that you did little reading before writing this piece. Any literature review (even a goodle search) of the profession (that you seem to think people don't need or are somehow weak if they reach out for help in surviving the death of those they love) you would have discovered that it has been a very recent phenomenon that death has been forced into the private sphere and become something that people may no longer express in public. We have a culture of expectation that all life must be happy and we should not feel sorrow.

My first suggestion for your education in grief is "Swallowed by a Snake" by Tom Golden. (Read the last chapter about the loss of ritual in this society to help with the release of sorrow.) Also, "The Andrew Poems" by Sharon Wagner, Joanne Caccitore [www.drjoanne.blogspot.com], the late Diane Kubler-Ross, and the music of Cindy Bullens would be of great aid to your understanding. We should help our children feel and express their grief, so they won't become part of this bereft un-feeling society with few skills in connecting in authentic human ways and feeling compassion for those less fortunate than themselves. Your writing suggests that you are perpetuating this sad and shallow society in which we live.

Finally, there is something to see at that sight on the side of the road--the last place where a precious child breathed his or her last--it is hallowed ground for parents. Please, leave them alone and let them grieve. Consider bowing your head briefly and sending them thoughts of comfort, then turn up your radio and get on with your life.

My wish for you is that you are given the time you need as well as love and compassion from all you meet, when in your life, you are overcome with grief for any loss. Were I your neighbor, I would not ask you "get over it," I'd offer instead to sit with you and hold you up as you wail in sorrow.

Peace,

Audrey

[mikesmum]

Louise - Nope, I read it over and over and over.  There really is only one way to take it.  I sent this through to the journalist and the editor.....

Good Mourning Connie

 

My but don’t you have a way with words.  You will have to excuse me if I get it wrong, but your experience, is it from a personal loss or just research as you know it?  I guess you subscribe to the adages, ‘no one is getting out of here alive’, ‘here’s the brick, build the bridge and get over it’. 

 

I have a variety of experience both personal and professional. My tears are easing, my teeth gnashing, well I would have said I was over it, and then I read your article.   Maybe after this you might revisit or rewrite you article.  Either way I needed the therapy!!

 

In October 2007 two young girls lost their lives in a motor accident just out of town.  The out pouring of grief was incredible.  They grew up here, went to school here, worked here and the ‘network’ of people whose lives they had touched was amazing.  That morning, I went to the Bakery Café where one of these girls worked.  My husband and I met with each one of the staff working that morning.  They were shattered; this was the death of a young person, a friend, someone like them. As a community we held a ‘debrief’.  The average age of those involved 16.    It was to help the innocent deal with the raw emotions of losing a friend and the reality of mortality. 

 

On January 18th 2008 a 30yr old man suffered a cardiac arrest and despite the efforts of ambulance crews he died at his home.  I was an ambulance dispatcher, my husband the Intensive Care Paramedic that attended.  He was my son.  The outpouring of grief and support came from many places in that first 6 weeks.  People Mike had known, people whose lives he had impacted on, colleagues, family and people and places I had never met.  All went in some way to allow me to ‘grieve’. 

 

Here we have the history of ANZAC’s.  (Australian & New Zealand Army Corps).   Every April 25th servicemen and community gather to remember those who fought and died.  The first ANZAC Day was conducted in 1916. The troops observed it in various ways, and in London large crowds watched 2,000 Australians and New Zealanders march to Westminster Abbey. In Australia there was strong support for the day, with between 60,000 and 100,000 people packing the Domain in Sydney for a service.  I wasn’t there, but I don’t thing there was this weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth you referred to.  I have attended services as a young girl, a girl guide, the daughter of a service man, a mother of sons and now as a grandmother.  The services are still respectful, serene.  Those who attend at dawn service range from the newborn to the eldest serviceman. 

 

Oh yeah the Jewish way.  Buried within 24hrs? If the death complies with the many legalities that might prevent this.  Coroners inquests, police investigations or other unforseen circumstances.   They may conduct themselves with decorum, but I doubt you would say the “get over it”.  Many return to the Jewish death camps – they become the child who lost everything.  Their lives may continue but they never ‘get over it.  Weeping and wailing – many traditional cultures dating back many years embrace this as part of the process it is nothing new.

 

I personally would prefer the old way of respecting and acknowledging death.  The body of your loved one is bought to your home (if not already there).  The family are allowed to wash and dress them.  They are place in the front room in their Sunday best for the wake.  Family, friends and community come to your house. (where the black wreath is on the door).  Stories are told, laughter is heard, and tears are shed. The body is taken and laid to rest surrounded by a small gathering.  A collective sigh is heard, “there but for the grace of god”.

 

Each culture, era religion and community mourns in a unique way.  I attended a funeral in Indonesia many years ago. I didn’t know the deceased or the family.  They dressed in white, had bright flowers covering the elderly ladies body and made music as they walked her through the streets to the funeral pyre.  They encouraged us to join them.  It was a send off.  She was going somewhere better than where she had come from….No gnashing of teeth here.

 

Fortunately, fashions in death change.  I found this rather amusing.  Death Connie is not a fashion, nor is it a lifestyle choice!  It’s a certainty!  You me we are all going to die.  How we are remembered by those left behind should be something they chose, not something dictated to by the Funeral Industry, the ideals of others or an article written by a journalist in Canada.  

 

But take heart.  Apart from those who have lived the experience it doesn’t take long for ‘people to allow you space to grieve as deeply as you want.  For them life goes on, most of them have gotten over your loss, but those living – well were not so blessed. 

 

The lesson – we are teaching our children, our families, friends and communities that life is precious.  It is to be respected; it is not a forever thing.  To see such outpouring in death should be a prompt to live better, be kinder and to the best of our ability - ensure not one day is wasted.

 

Have a nice day, and may the ‘experience’ of grief especially that of losing a child be something you don't need to have before you truly get it!!!

 

Have a nice day - Trudi           

 

This is sent to you in the colour Purple, The Tudor colour of mourning. 

[ericasmom]

Fabulous reply Audrey, and I agree with each and every point made.

And here we all are, fighting the good fight...to live the best life we can in the light of our loved children.

Peace,

Dee

[caitsmom]

(Thanks Dee)

Trudi,

Nice letter. What a wonderful survey of the power and necessity of careful and loving expressions of grief.

Peace,

Caitsmom

[lovekristy4ever]

I also found the article very insulting, expecially the "get over it" part.  Here is a copy of my letter to Connie:

Dear Ms. Woodcock,

You have obviously never lost a child and suffered the extreme pain associated with it.   It is the WORST pain anyone can go through.  I think grief is something that is and should be individual.  We do live in America do we not?   Freedom of public expression is only a small part of what is so wrong with your article. 

I feel that you are ignorant about bereavement and grief.  Either that or you have ice running through your veins.  People that experience loss need support, even from strangers.  Even it is just to know that other people care that their precious loved one is gone and that people are thinking and praying for them to get through the extreme pain.

When you love someone with your whole heart and lose them you don’t “get over it”.  I find your article very insulting.

 

Terry Edwards

 

[txlouise]

[align=center]Thank you all so much for your responses.And your insiteful expressions of grief.I feel that connie should issue an apology to all of us.I am so sorry for all of your losses, your children are beautiful and I am holding you all close to my heart.

Love louise [kerens mom]

[/align]

[daniellemom]

Louise,

I will send a letter to the editor.  I can not belive what people will print and the uncaring of people's hearts.  I loved your letter that you wrote about your beautiful daughter.

 

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

 

[DianeS]

Thank you for letting us know about this column in the newspaper.  I have not lost a child, but have lost a younger brother and both parents and occasionally spend time on other forums on this site.  I found her column to be very disrespectful to those grieving and suspect she has never experienced the loss of someone close to her.  How very sad that she would even feel the need to address the topic in the way she did.  It says a lot about the person.  I have emailed her and hope others will do the same.

DianeS

[DianeS]

Sorry... I meant to include my letter to Ms. Woodcock.

Here is what I wrote:

Dear Ms. Woodcock,

How terribly insensitive your column on grief was.  Get over it and get on with life?  People do get on with life, but when you lose someone so dear to you, you never really “get over it.”  You adjust to life without them.  We all grieve differently.  Some grieve outwardly, some inwardly.  All ways are appropriate and should be respected.  When a tragedy such as the sudden death of the three girls you mention in your article happens, young people need to know that it is alright to grieve and that their tears are okay.  They also need an outlet for that grief and if that means to go to the crash site, then so be it.  So much better to let that grief out than to hold it in.  How many times have we heard of someone taking their own life after a tragic loss because they could not open up and talk about it or show their grief.  I question whether you have ever lost anyone so close to you.  If you haven’t, possibly you do not understand the depths of grief, especially when it is a young person.  Having lost my youngest brother in an air force plane crash a number of years ago, I know that it changes life and family dynamics forever.  You do move on, but you are never the same person.    

I found your column very sad, but for a different reason.  I find it very sad that you would so publicly belittle those who are grieving.  I found one part of your article particularly interesting.  You wrote, “People are buried within 24 hours of death and for the next few days mourners sit shiva at home. People allow you space to grieve as deeply as you want -- and then it's over.”  Do you honestly think that those mourners were finished mourning once they’d buried their loved one within 24 hours and sat shiva?  Truth be told, that is just the beginning of the true mourning.  From that point you must learn to live life without that loved one. 

 

[txlouise]

Thanks guys

You are all so awesome and I am so sorry for your losses as well.

This lady is really something ,to mock people for grieving is just unacceptable.Everyone has lost some one that they love and have grieved

Everyone.

Thanks you for your beautiful kind words and I hope our letter's will soften this women's heart.

Love you guys

Louise

[ericasmom]

Dear Louise,

hope that our combined emotion will at least make the editors sit up and take notice. Thanks for giving us that chance to voice ourselves on a matter we so dearly feel. It seems we are all very passionate on this topic.

Peace as we move ever-forward

dee

[mikesmum]

Louise - Love the flashing star and smiley sun!!!!

Did a quick search on Ms Woodcock and her style of journalism.  Seems grieving people are not her only target.  She plays for want of better wording the 'devils advocate' on many subjects including religion, death, etc.....not that I believe she is an expert on any!!!

Take Care - Trudi

[ericasmom]

Trudi,

you are quite the investigator, keep it going Girlfriend. I am impressed with your words first of all in the letter you wrote, and in your tenacity here.

Mike is smiling on his Momma.

Dee

[mikesmum]

Dee - I had a job once that required research skills accompanied by wordskilling. My boss at the time taught me how to tell someone they were the lowest form of bottom dweller in such a way that they thanked you for your input.  I have to say that is something I hold onto. 

Here the words flow easily, honest, open from whats left of my heart - we are all one - we are now so changed by our losses we are barely recognisable to those around us in the other world.  Here most know us without a word being said.

Mike is definitely watching over me.......trying to make something for his birthday June 4th. Simple task - yet my mouse wouldn't stop flitting around the screen and then someone sent me a tube clip on facebook - more music, nothing I knew but so much something Mike would want me to hear......Gotta love that boy!!

[4everjoeysmom]

"My boss at the time taught me how to tell someone they were the lowest form of bottom dweller in such a way that they thanked you for your input."

Trudi, I love it!!    I don't think my skills are as yours in this area, but there have been a few times where I indeed could have used them.  Funny!  Thanks for the belly-roll laugh.  It felt really good...

[caitsmom]

Louise,

THANK you for bringing this to our attention. The letters everyone wrote brought together so many perspectives and all with the same message---"This is unacceptable." Trudi, I took a brief look as well at her rep, as you said it's not good. She seems to look for a perspective that will upset and shake people up; my guess is to improve readership. I sent my letter to her editor as well, as many of you did. Has anyone heard from either party? An acknowledgment? An apology? Anything?

In their memory,

Peace,

Caitsmom

[mikesmum]

Nah - No response.   Ms Woodcock loves to create havoc by 'attacking', no strength of  conviction in her words so proudly touted in the article.  She has no doubt moved on to those suffering in Burma and China......"a little wind a little shake, what is their problem"......written no doubt from a very high ivory tower surrounded by a moat of comfort zone!  My aren't I cynical!

[txlouise]

[align=center]So far no responses or apologies from Miss woodcock:X[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Love,Louise[keren's mom][/align]

[karolynca]

I cannot talk right now...this stupid article made me mad, angry, sad, insulted....too many emotions at the same time.  Here is the email I wrote..of course it was full of resentment and anger...

Dear Toronto Sun Editor

 

It was with great horror that I discovered the article published by Mrs. Connie Woodcock named "The evolution of public grief and mourning".  I think an apology should be issue as I find it to be insulting and discriminating.  It was difficult to just choose pieces to comment as the entire article is just the most horrible thing someone who has lost a dear one could read.  She not only insults and mock about those who are grieving, she also insults third world countries by saying "Ontario roadsides are now littered with cheesy plastic wreaths and little white crosses as if we were a Third World country".  Who told Mrs. Woodcock that she has the right to openly discriminate people, traditions and worst others countries just because she personally does not agree with their way of mourning.  Why does she uses that despicable discriminating language against other people and other countries?????

 

"how sudden violent death now prompts the most bizarre exhibitions of public grief. As well as flowers and crosses, there was another recent innovation observed: Facebook pages devoted to the dead girls were put up within hours of their deaths. It's de rigeur these days, much like black plumes on funeral coach horses in Victorian tim"

I would like to know how Mrs. Connie Woodcock considers the display of public grief, in any given way a "bizarre exhibition".  The entire world grief and mourn the loss during September 11th., even non-Americans place flags and candles in their streets joining in support with a nation that was undergoing a tragic event, is that also considered "bizarre exhibition of public grief"?????  If any given community wants to join a family in grief, to offer their condolences, their support, public or not I consider it to be the most "humane exhibition of compassion and respect"

 

"THE LESSON?

What are we teaching our kids here? That the proper way to handle sorrow is to fall apart? That you can't get through it without a professional to hold your hand? That wallowing in pain and suffering is the appropriate thing to do?

Fortunately, fashions in death change. Someday all this weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth will seem as peculiar as the once-essential black wreath on one's front door seems today. Let's hope, anyway.

Meanwhile, I admire the Jewish way. People are buried within 24 hours of death and for the next few days mourners sit shiva at home. People allow you space to grieve as deeply as you want -- and then it's over. Life goes on. Get over it. "

 

And this of course has to be the most insulting piece of reading my eyes have seen in my entire life.  I think Mrs. Connie has not lost a dear member and if she has probably she needs serious counseling for closure.  To answer her questions I think we are teaching our kids to be compassionate, to know they are not alone but that they belong to a community, they belong to a world.  I think we are teaching them to be strong by showing them that despite the sorrow and pain and suffering around in the world you will have a community, a family standing by next to you.  Get Over it!!! what a pitiful way to show your children Mrs. Connie that a life that passes this physical world should not leave any impact, what a way to show them that we are not allowed to miss and to remember those that have gone before us.  Yes....Life goes on...however you never get over it because when  you have lost someone dear to you a little piece of your heart goes with them and you cannot ever get over that.  But of course I am not expecting you to understand compassion, to understand support, to understand the meaning of loss yet to respect the way that any given community wants to grief. 

Now attacking the way each one wants to grief as "cheesy, or bizarre...or better yet weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth" and then saying that we all should be the Jewish you admire who "sit shiva at home. People allow you space to grieve as deeply as you want -- and then it's over. Life goes on. Get over it." I think it's only a plain act of discrimination against those who wants to grief in the way they feel is the best for them.  Discrimination against communities and families who are lucky enough to live in the country of the Freedom.

 

What a sad piece of writing and how shameful way to mock and disrespect the grieving process of others.  What a sad way to talk about other countries and their traditions!

[caitsmom]

Here are a couple of letter responses to Ms. Connie's article. The part that gets me is the the parenthetical response of (It was a tough, controversial opinion, but a valid, thoughtful one Connie didn't take lightly). RIGHT! I'm trying to let this go, but well, it's tough. So tough.

http://www.torontosun.com/Comment/Letters/2008/05/27/5676241.html

Peace,

Caitsmom

[caitsmom]

Yup, I couldn't let it go: Here's my reply to their parenthetical slap in "my" face. Perhaps this will let me work past it. Perhaps. . . .

RE: (It was a tough, controversial opinion, but a valid, thoughtful one Connie

didn't take lightly)

No, Woodcock's opinion was not controversial, but it was tough--written with malice for those who mourn. Those who grieve the death of their children desire peace, kindness, and understanding. From

Connie we did not receive a thoughtful opinion in the least. She demonstrated cursory knowledge of the rituals of grief, the necessary and natural emotions of the bereaved, the lack of healthy ways to express sorrow in this Western society, and used inflammatory labels such as creepy, maudlin, bizarre, and cheesy. Then with her callous comment of "Get over it," she sealed her reputation as an insensitive and

uninformed "news"paper columnist. I suggest she learn to type the words, "I'm sorry for your loss," and send it directly to the parents of Erin Reed and Robyn Taylor.

Audrey

[txlouise]

Read this

Once you click on the link you have to scroll down a little and there are a couple of responses that were printed.

Connie Woodcock and her editor make me !!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.torontosun.com/Comment/Letters/...27/5676241.html

[katos1]

That is so wrong on so many levels.

I'm so sick of people expecting people to "get over things". The author of that letter is an idiot. The traditional way of grieving being private and with a few close friends? Teaching our kids to fall apart when bad things happen? Thats ridiculous. Does she wonder why so many people have drug addictions, violent behaviour, mental illness, family break-down, etc etc etc.???

I see it ALL the time in my job. I'm a youth worker. Kids being abused and they have behavioural problems as a result (whether it be depression, agression, self-harm, etc) and people go "well it happens all the time, they should just get over it". Well I'm sorry, but i think the problem IS that it happens all the time. You can't expect people to suffer, have no-one to turn to and then just somehow be fine.

Its the same attitude with death and grief. Death is a part of life, and therefore so is grief. People need time to grieve properly (by this, in any way shape or form and length of time that helps people to come to terms with the event). Notice, I don't say "deal" or "mend" - I don't think anyone ever fully deals or recovers from tragic events like death (and abuse), but I think you can come to accept it.

I can relate to the author's attitude though - its a very ignorant, selfish, sad one. When I was a teenager, I'd been through a fair bit of not so nice things in my life, and I guess I turned "hard". Was cynical, uncaring, made fun of people being upset - I mean if I wasn't upset about all the sh*t in my life, then what right did other people have to cry or whinge about theirs? I thought I was so tough. Growing up though, you realise actually having the courage to cry and to express yourself and to say "You know what? I'm sad. I'm devastated. I have a reason to be." is soooo much stronger. Sounds cliche but its true.

The letter about your daughter is beautiful. I hope you all are not too offended by that author's letter - rather pity her. She's kicking people when they're down, there's not much worse really. What goes around, comes around.

[loveyoujustin]

Hi everyone.  It's been a very long time since I've posted.  Just trying really hard to find my way.

Louise~ the words in your letter to Ms. Woodcock really hit home.  I've modified them a bit, and I plan on posting them up on my refrigerator, and also in a "messages for Justin" journal that is placed at the cemetary for people to write in.  I hope that is ok with you. The bond that we share and the pain that we feel can only truly be felt by those of us who travel this journey together.  Others can however, show a little more compassion, and at least "try" to understand.  I am sorry for your loss.

With love, and wishes for Peace,   Trish

PS.  It seems to me that Ms. Woodcock is the one who needs the therapy counseling! :shock:

[txlouise]

Of course you can print what i wrote no problem:)

My friend Diana and I were so angry of people telling us to get over it and it had only been 6 months. I though to myself how the hell would you feel if it was your child you loved for 23 years and that is how what i wrote came about.If you or anyone would like to e-mail me,Here is my main e-mail address I use now.

Love,Louise[keren's mom]

ps. All of your angels are so beautiful

 

Louise@mychildlossgrief.com

[riget91710]

^{It has been over 4 years since I lost my beloved son.  When I get to the place that I feel it has been long enough or I shouldn't be feeling the gut wrenching pain in my stomach any longer, I will go back and read this.  Wanted to pass it along and maybe it should be shared with that reporter.}

 

PLEASE, HIS NAME WAS “MALCOLM”

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t ask me if I’m over it yet[/align]

[align=center]I will never be over it[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t tell me he’s in a better place[/align]

[align=center]He isn’t here with me[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t say “At least he didn’t suffer”[/align]

[align=center]I haven’t come to terms with why he had to die at all[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t tell me you know how we feel[/align]

[align=center]If you have never lost a child[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t ask me if I feel better[/align]

[align=center]Bereavement isn’t a condition that clears up[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t tell me “At least you had him for 31 years”[/align]

[align=center]What year would you choose for your child to die?[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t tell me “God never gives us more than we can bear”[/align]

[align=center]Please just say you are sorry[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please just say you remember Malcolm[/align]

[align=center]He was a person[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please just let me talk about my child[/align]

[align=center]It is all I have left[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please mention my baby boy’s name[/align]

[align=center]He was important[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please just let me cry, he was my baby boy[/align]

[align=center]And I will always love and miss him[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[riget91710]

 

Any name can be inserted but this was sent to me after I lost my son.  It has been over 4 years now and I still hurt sometimes. 

Maybe this should be sent to that reporter.

 

 

 

PLEASE, HIS NAME WAS “MALCOLM”

 

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t ask me if I’m over it yet[/align]

[align=center]I will never be over it[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t tell me he’s in a better place[/align]

[align=center]He isn’t here with me[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t say “At least he didn’t suffer”[/align]

[align=center]I haven’t come to terms with why he had to die at all[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t tell me you know how we feel[/align]

[align=center]If you have never lost a child[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t ask me if I feel better[/align]

[align=center]Bereavement isn’t a condition that clears up[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t tell me “At least you had him for 31 years”[/align]

[align=center]What year would you choose for your child to die?[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please don’t tell me “God never gives us more than we can bear”[/align]

[align=center]Please just say you are sorry[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please just say you remember Malcolm[/align]

[align=center]He was a person[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please just let me talk about my child[/align]

[align=center]It is all I have left[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please mention my baby boy’s name[/align]

[align=center]He was important[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Please just let me cry, he was my baby boy[/align]

[align=center]And I will always love and miss him[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[txlouise]

[align=center]A BEAUTIFUL Poem and so true[/align]

[align=center] 

[/align]

[missngkate]

This is a wonderful poem.  It's been 21 months since my daughter, Kate, was murdered and I still ache for her.   My greatest fear is that she'll disappear from everyone's memories.   Is it okay if I take your poem and change it to add Kate's name?

 

Helen

[caitsmom]

Louise,

Your friend's article was excellent. The message was clear and helped me continue to move past the injury she inflicted upon me with her words. It also prompted me to write this, though, I'm will likely not send it to her, but thought this would be an appropriate place to share with other bereaved parents.

Peace, Caitsmom

Get Well

Just checking in on you Connie.

Hoping that your heart has opened a bit

That the love of dead children for their

Mommies and daddies has gently tapped

Your soul and softened your calluses.

That you have discovered your own pain

And that those who love you

Will hold you providing a model for empathy

Imagining that with your next story

You will hear and respond to a voice

That prods, “Will this hurt or hinder?”

For words matter, Connie

Honor those that love

Send words that heal, inspire, and educate

Just checking in on you Connie

Hoping that you are doing better

Wishing that each day brings you

Strength to find ways to weave

Compassion into your writing

And with that gift you will find a

Happier, healthier, you

[txlouise]

[align=center]Thanks again for all your support and replies:)[/align]

[align=center]Feel free to use my poem,if you publish it anywhere Just make sure you add my name[/align]

[align=center]Louise Lagerman[/align]

[align=center]Thanks guys you are the best:)[/align]

[heartbeataway]

I've never written a letter to a newspaper before ...... I could not, not respond to this one.

This was my response to Ms. Woodcock and I copied the editor:

Ms. Woodcock,

I just read your article, "The evolution of public grief and mourning".......... and then I read it again. I couldn't believe what I was reading.

Are you really that insensitive?  "bizarre exhibitions" .......... "de rigeur these days"....

"roses and maudling poems".........." fashions in death",  "get over it".............

I understand that you were talking about the evolution of grief as seen through Connie Woodcock's eyes but your words make you seem so heartless.

Have you ever lost someone you love to death?  Was it as easy as taking a few days to mourn and then, "it's over" for you?

When you lose someone suddenly or not so suddenly to death, it's not something you can prepare for. 

You don't care about what others think, you just try to survive.  You try to get up in the morning. You try to eat. You dread going to bed. You try to sleep.  You try to do whatever it is that you need to do to get through the most gut wrenching pain there is. And sometimes you don't want to try anymore. The pain is too great.

Is there really a proper way to teach children how to deal with sorrow associated with death? You don't think about right ways or wrong ways when you're grieving.

If  white crosses, teddy bears, wallowing, suffering, weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth makes the acceptance easier, then it's the proper way to grieve for that person.

 I personally think it would be worst to have love so shallow that it's easy to "get over" it's permanent loss. I would rather love deeply and not grieve properly per your definition. 

It may be possible to get through the loss but you never just "get over it". When grief comes, it doesn't go away.

Why don't you start a fund to replace those "cheesy plastic wreaths and little white crosses" with a permanent marker that's acceptable to your eyes but offers the grieving comfort when visited. They'll never know that it was done out of your distaste for the way they chose to show their grief and not a heartfelt gesture for their loss. 

You think that grief should be more private, I think your thoughts on grief and mourning should have been kept private.

Sadly,